"What the hell John!"

My elder brother ranted at me, his voice was distinctive. It maintained the same disregard and shame that our fathers did whenever he spoke of me and to me. I was the son he /didn't/ respect. The son /he/ regretted. Well it wasn't all peachy being /his/ son either. How could I possibly live up to the example set by Grayson?

Grayson was perfect, the first born. He dated the sweetest girl in town, a girl anyone would be proud to bring to family dinners. He made the honor roll in school every year as well as demonstrating his eagerness to be respectable. Again, Grayson was the perfect son whereas I was hardly worthy of the Gilbert name. What a farce! Dad was a tyrant in all honesty, striving for perfection in his children while still demoralizing them for not doing more. I wasn't going to stick around forever like Grayson had planned. His future was set in stone. He graduated from High School as Valedictorian, attended a prestigious university and returned ready to begin his residency. All that was left was procuring a medical degree and a wife. That would really made papa Gilbert proud. He couldn't help but tell everyone the good news while shining a disappointed torch on me for not excelling at the same speed as Grayson.

"JOHN! WAKE UP!"

My brothers loud bellowing woke me from my collapsed state in the living room. I hadn't made it to the bedroom. Scratching at my forehead while my eyes struggled to stay open and focus, I cursed at Grayson for his annoying voice.

"Bro, get out of my face. I'm sleeping."

I grumbled through the pain surging through my head. Why couldn't he just shut up and leave me be. I wasn't causing any harm by sleeping on the floor. Hell it was 5am. I remembered because I rolled in around 3 and it wasn't daylight yet.

"Why do you have to be such a loser? Pull yourself together. You have school in an hour. I'm not being late for work waiting for your ass to sober up."

One hour? Impossible, the sun wasn't up. What was Grayson talking about? "It's not even morning. Go away."

I spurted the grumbled words lowering my face into the pillow when it was unkindly yanked out from under me. Only then did the sunlight catch my face, burning my eyes with its brightness. "Get in the shower before Dad sees you."

I expelled a vicious burp that retained the stench of state beer and cigarettes into Grayson's face. The vile smell lingered for a while. I could hurl on the priceless rug I passed out on. I deliberated for a few seconds. It certainly would piss off my dad.

Rebelling against all authority had its perks but truthfully I wanted acceptance. I know it's pathetic but it's the truth. I bellowed at the top of my lungs once in the confines of the shower, the hot water created a mist of steam to fill the room and as I scrubbed the dingy dirt from my body and cleansed the product from my hair I felt new, revitalized and pure. I was ready for the day ahead. The only thing a shower couldn't rid was the monstrous hangover that would stay all morning. I hand-fisted a few aspirin and washed them down with a pint of juice. I needed to power through the first day of school which meant getting back into the swing of things. Slipping the mask on as it were; reaching into the far end of my closet for clothes I had purposely avoided during the entire summer. I looked like a bible salesman in the khakis and a church going shirt. Sunday bests, I was now in disguise; hiding in plain sight from the neighbors that would gossip over afternoon tea in town. I had to rebel with attire too otherwise I feared I would blend with the mask and unwittingly begin to act like my brother. Donning a black Sonic Youth concert Tee under my costume was enough to keep the reprobate in me subdued.

"John! I'm leaving. Better hurry up." I grabbed my backpack from the edge of my desk and meandered through the hall and the kitchen out to the driveway to hop into the back of Grayson's car, prepared for the day ahead.