Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of the other character's! I just like to play with them!

Chapter 94

Severus was a nervous wreck, not that anyone looking at him would know that. An hour after Harry had stormed out of the Great Hall, a note had been delivered saying that he had been found.

Which was all it had said.

Which led to Severus being frustrated - mainly because he could not help his son.

The Headmaster had not appeared all throughout lunch and rumor's ran rampant about where Harry had gone. A glance at the Gryffindor table told him that his best friends were in tatters'. Weasley wasn't even eating.

As he stood up, he hissed silently. He was being summoned.

"Minerva, I'll be out of the castle for a while. Can you post for my afternoon 2nd years to read chapter 24 and write a 2-foot essay on what they learned and for my 5th years to read chapters' 84 and 85 and write a 4-foot essay on the properties of snake venom in healing potions?"

She glanced down at his left arm and nodded. "Of course, Severus. Stay safe," she added in a whisper to him.

He nodded and strode off to his quarter's so that he could retrieve his Death Eater mask and robe.

Once he apparated to where the summons had taken him, he headed in the direction of the throne room.

"I'm bored, my Lord. That was the most fun I'd had in ages. Can we play with some muggles tonight?"

"Not yet, Bella. Soon we will make our presence known. Be patient a little while longer. I promise it will be worth it."

Severus shuddered at the Dark Lord's tone then knocked on the door.

"Enter."

He entered and knelt at the Dark Lord's feet.

"Rise, Severus. Tell me, did anything of interest happen at Hogwarts today?"

"Potter received Sirius Black's head in a box."

"And how did Itty Bitty Potter like my present to him?"

Severus sneered at Bellatrix. "Not very well. He ran out of the Great Hall screaming."

"Let me see it Severus," demanded Voldemort.

Severus allowed the Dark Lord into his mind to see the memory of Potter running out of the Great Hall.

"Excellent. The old fool?"

"He was contacted and went to look for his precious golden boy," spat Snape.

"What's wrong Severus?" The Dark Lord got up from his throne and circled him.

"I am disappointed that I didn't get to take part in his torture, my Lord. Black tormented me almost every single day during out school years together. Now I will never be able to take my own revenge out on him."

"You will have to take that up with Bella. She insisted she get to play after he was captured. Once I realized he didn't have anything useful to tell me, I let her have him."

"My Lord knows best." Severus bowed again. "Since I had no warning that this was going to happen, I'm afraid the Headmaster is not going to be pleased with me. He'll think I'm losing your favor, my Lord. If that is so, tell me how I can earn your trust again."

"Severus, you have never lost my trust. In some ways, I trust you more than Lucius. You have never failed me."

"He's not on our side, my Lord," hissed Bellatrix from the corner she had placed herself in. "That's why I told you not to tell him before hand. He would have found some way to rescue the mutt for his precious Order."

"CRUCIO!" After a minute the Dark Lord let the curse up. "Leave Bella. I'll deal with you later - and trust me when I say you won't like it."

After she slunk out of the room, Voldemort offered Severus a chair. "I need to run something by you. I would not normally keep you on a week day because of your position in the school, but it's important."

"Yes, my Lord." Severus sat down in the pro-offered chair. 'Of all the days for him to want to talk to me,' he thought in the deep recesses of his mind.

It was around 8pm before Severus could return to the castle. He headed straight to the Headmaster's office.

"He's fine. Remus is with him," Albus said as soon as the door had been shut.

"Bella's handiwork. The Dark Lord said that they captured him for information as well as the fact that his death would destroy Harry. The woman Black had been seeing is dead as well. From my understanding, she was innocent - just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Where did you find him?"

Albus handed Severus a note telling him of Grimmauld Place. "He had arrived there after I had replaced the charm."

"Black left him the house then."

"It seems that way. Severus ... you should know that Harry is blaming you for Sirius' death."

"Me?"

"He thinks you should have known about Sirius being captured and tried to rescue him."

"Albus, I didn't know."

"I'm aware of that Severus. He's just hurting and is looking for someone to blame."

Severus simply turned away. This was going to seriously complicate things.

"You need to go talk to him."

"I'm not telling him the truth hours after he lost his godfather!"

"No. Not that. You need to go explain to him that you didn't know Sirius had been captured. This hate he feels cannot be allowed to fester."

"I'm not sure I know how to console anyone."

"The words will come. You may use my floo."

He merely sighed. "I'll leave a copy of the memory of the meeting I just came from for you to look through while I go talk to him."

"That will be fine."

Harry was sitting in front of the fireplace staring at the flames when they flared higher for a brief second indicating that someone was about to step through. He glanced at Remus who shrugged.

Dumbledore had explained that as soon as Sirius had died that morning, all of the people that had been let in on the secret, had in turn became Secret Keepers. To keep the address from inadvertently being given out, he had replaced the charm. That meant that everyone had to be retold the address of Grimmauld Place. So at the moment, very few people had access to the house.

Harry's eyes narrowed as he watched Snape step out of the fireplace.

"I don't want to talk to you," said Harry in a darkened voice.

"I'll leave you two alone. I'll be in the next room, Harry," said Remus quietly.

"Potter ... Harry ..."

"Why do you do that? Why do you call me Harry sometimes? It's not like you actually care."

"I do care, a great deal for you."

"You sure didn't show it when I first got to Hogwarts and you didn't show it when you allowed Sirius to die."

"I didn't know he was captured. I had not been summoned in almost two weeks."

"Isn't it your job to know?" sneered Harry.

For a fleeting moment, Severus saw himself in his son and it pained him that it was under the act of anger.

"I ..." Albus was a fool to think he could have done this. "Yes. It is my job to know but I don't know everything. If I would have realized your godfather had been captured by the Dark Lord, I would have given up my own life to free him."

He looked at Snape incredulously. "You hated Sirius!"

The items in the room started vibrating which made Harry take a deep breath to calm himself.

"I loved your mother, very deeply, while we were in school. I had thought he was the reason that she was dead because I was unaware of the secret keeper switch. Add that on top of how he and Potter treated me in school, then yes, I did hate him."

"And you let him die because of it!"

"No. I did not. When I saw how happy he made you, some of my hate abated. I can assure you I've not wanted him dead since I learned of the secret keeper switch."

Harry looked down at the floor. "I still don't know why you care but whatever the reason is, you need to stop. Those that care about me only end up getting hurt."

Before Severus could reply, Harry headed up the stairs. When he looked up, Remus was watching him from the doorway.

"At least he's no longer blaming you," said Remus quietly.

"Now he's blaming himself," said Severus. "How do I fix this Lupin?"

"You be there for him."

"And why would he come to me and not you?"

Remus shrugged. "He's full of surprises."

"He won't want to see me again tonight. When you talk to him later, make sure he does not bottle his emotions up. Tell him he'll turn into me if he does."

Severus then floo'd back to Hogwarts.

Harry returned to the school late Sunday night to his three best friends.

"We're so sorry, Harry," said Hermione quietly.

"Professor McGonagall said that you get two weeks off to uh ... mourn," said Ron.

Harry shrugged. "I have no where to do that at. I have no one now."

"You have us," said Neville. All three hugged him.

"Are you going to have to go back to the Dursley's?"

"I told Dumbledore that I'd run away before I went back. He said that we need to see what Sirius' will said before he could decide anything."

"When is the will reading?" asked Ron.

"The 23rd, after his memorial service. I'm going to be staying here over break by the way." He took a deep breath. "I just need to forget and move on. I need to go back to normal."

"Harry this isn't something you can just forget. You need to mourn him," said Hermione.

"But it hurts."

Hermione pulled Harry into another hug. "It's supposed to but over time, it will get better. I promise."

Harry forced himself not to cry. "Does everyone know?"

Neville hesitantly nodded.

"I need to go up to my room. I'm sure I have homework to catch up on." Hermione, Ron, and Neville all exchanged worried looks as Harry walked away.

Three days after returning to the castle, his friends found Harry in the library surrounded by 10 books.

"Mate, come outside with us for a little while. Some fresh air will do you some good."

"I'm busy, Ron," said Harry as he wrote some notes down on a piece of parchment.

"I saw Malfoy out there with his goons. We can charm some snow balls to fly around them all day."

"No time," said Harry as he flipped through a book.

"Come on, Harry. You need to take a break. You're going to work yourself to death," said Hermione.

"I'm fine, guys, honestly. I just don't want to fall behind."

Neither of his best friends could get a word in otherwise.

"If it wasn't for you, Harry, I'd still be alive."

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't want you to die."

"This is my punishment for getting close to you. It will keep happening over and over again because you're poison to everyone around you."

"No, Sirius. I'm sorry. I love you. I didn't want you to leave me."

"If I'd have known that escaping Azkaban would only lead to my death, I'd have stayed put."

"No. Don't say things like that. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I'm dead because of you. What a way to show it."

Harry sat straight up in bed. His heart was racing as if he had just run a marathon. A glance at the clock showed him that, yet again, he had only gotten an hour of sleep. He rubbed his eyes, refusing to cry. After he got his bearings, he grabbed some books and headed down to the common room. He was already caught up in his studies for the week so it was time to start learning some curses and hexes. If he was going to get revenge for Sirius, he doubted that he had the knowledge at the moment to carry it out. Now it was time to learn everything he could get his hands on.

"Harry, would you like to have tea with me after dinner?" asked Remus.

"No, sir. I can't. I've got some stuff to do."

"Harry, you need to talk about Sirius."

"I'm fine, sir," said Harry - his voice emotionless.

"You're not fine. Are you hiding your emotion's behind your occlumency shields?"

"No, sir," said Harry. "I need to go. I have a test in the next class." He then fled before Lupin could stop him.

Severus eyed the Gryffindor table in frustration. Again, Harry was not present at a meal. In fact, the only places that he had seen the boy was in class and in the library. The next day was a Hogsmeade visit. He hoped that he would go.

"He's not going to," said Lupin.

"What?"

"He's not going tomorrow. I heard Ron and Hermione begging him to go with them tomorrow but he told them no."

"He's hiding behind his shields. It's killing him, Lupin."

"I see it too, but he's not listening to me, nor Albus. The Headmaster tried to talk to him yesterday. He's like a zombie." Seeing Severus' confusion, he explained. "Just a body moving around on automation, but there's no one in there to react to external stimuli."

"Try again, Lupin. You've got to get through to him. Also, I've not seen him eat the first thing all week. Can you ask the elves if they've taken anything to him in the dorms?"

Lupin nodded.

"Come on, Harry. You have to get out of the castle. All of your homework is done, so you can't use that as an excuse."

"I'm not in the mood," he said as he put his shoes on. He had intentions on going to the Founder's Library today while everyone was in the village. There were a lot of books in there that he could use to help him get revenge for Sirius.

"Harry James Potter, you are going with us to Hogsmeade," said Hermione as she stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. "You need some air. You've been cooped up way too long. You're not talking about Sirius, you're not eating, and you're not sleeping. You're basically not living. Sirius wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

"You can't tell me what to do," said Harry as he strode past her.

Ron looked at Hermione and grimaced. "He didn't even put any emotion in it as he pushed you out of the way."

"He's hiding all of his emotions. It's like he's completely shut down. I don't know how to get through to him, Ron."

"Come on. We'll go tell Professor Lupin. Maybe he can talk to Harry while we're in Hogsmeade."

She nodded and headed down the steps.

Harry was furious.

He had entered the Room of Requirement like normal, passed all of the puzzle doors, but for some unholy reason he could not enter the actual library. It was like an invisible barrier had been erected that prevented him from entering.

As a result, the room had suddenly provided him with about 50 things to blow up - which he did in a vent of anger.

After an hour, he had no energy left so he fell on his butt in the middle of the room.

He felt ill. It could be because he'd not eaten anything more than a slice of toast every day, but he doubted it. He just had no appetite. He laid back and stared up at the ceiling - where he dozed off for about 40 minutes.

Again, he dreamed of Sirius blaming him for his death and again he woke up screaming.

With a sigh of frustration, Harry headed up to the library. There were plenty of books there to read from.

December 20, 1995

Ron, Hermione, Neville, Lupin, and Dumbledore won't leave me alone. They don't seem to realize that it's my fault Sirius is dead. If he wouldn't have cared for me, then he would still be alive.

Nick told me that Sirius hadn't come back as a ghost, that I would have known it if he had.

I'm still not sleeping for any more than an hour at a time. The nightmares have returned with a vengeance.

I don't think it's normal that I don't have an appetite either. Every time I try to eat something, it comes back up.

It just hurts so bad to know that I'll never have a family again - that I'll always be alone.

Maybe it's better that way.

-Harry

After stowing his journal in his trunk, he buried, deep underneath his occlumency shields, what little bit of emotion he had let bubble up. 'It's better this way', he thought as he headed up to the library to study some more curses.

Severus had watched Harry's increasing anger and emotionless mood swings get worse every day and realized that he needed to do something about it himself, even if it did cause Harry to hate him forever. The boy needed to mourn, not hide.

Friday the 22nd, the last day of classes before Christmas break, was when Severus had enough. He braced himself for what he was about to do.

"Pathetic Potter. Even your dog father could do better than that and he's dead."

The first sign of Potter's temper was the jars vibrating around the room. It was really the first sign that the boy was even in there anymore and not just an empty shell walking around.

Snape circled Potter's desk. "Of course, no one misses the mangy mutt. I know that I certainly don't."

The entire class grew silent as the jars around the room that had been vibrating suddenly exploded.

"You leave him alone," said Neville, surprising everyone in the room.

Snape eyed the broken jars on the floor. "Everyone leave but Potter. He's going to clean up this mess."

However before anyone could respond, Potter drew his wand and pointed it at Snape. "Don't. You. Dare. Talk. About. My. Godfather!"

Snape sneered. "I can talk about anyone I want to. Being the Headmaster's little Golden Boy does not save you in my classroom."

To everyone's shock, Harry flung himself at Snape and started hitting him for all he was worth - evidently forgetting that he was a wizard. A wave of some type of magic had picked everyone else up and threw them out in the hallway and slammed the door shut.

"What in the bloody hell was that?" demanded Malfoy as he untangled his legs from Hermione's.

"Oh, this isn't good," she said a split second before accidently falling back down on Malfoy as she tried to stand up.

Neville ran to the door to try to open it. It didn't budge. All the students tried to open the door and it simply wouldn't open.

"We need to get someone," said Hermione.

The Slytherin's parked themselves in front of the classroom door. This, to them, was going to be good when that door opened and they saw Potter turned into a toad.

The Gryffindor's first ran across Trelawney. They didn't even stop. She couldn't have been any help. They ended up choosing McGonagall and barged in on a 7th year class.

"Snape and Harry are killing each other," said Ron as he gasped for air.

"Excuse me?" asked McGonagall.

Hermione quickly explained what happened.

"Go tell the Headmaster," McGonagall said as she rushed to the dungeons.

"Everyone go on your way," she said as she approached the potions' classroom. After much grumbling, especially from Harry's friends, the hallway cleared out. McGonagall then tried the door. She couldn't get it to open either. Just as she was about to transfigure the door into a broom, the Headmaster rounded the corner.

"I got it Minerva."

"Are you sure?"

"I am."

After the deputy Headmistress left, Albus tried the door knob and to his surprise, it worked.

However, the scene he walked in on he would never have expected to see in a million years.

Severus was holding onto a crying Harry. The older man was gently rubbing circles in Harry's back, telling him to let it out.

The Headmaster silently closed the door and raised an eyebrow at Severus.

The potions master looked slightly uncomfortable - no doubt at being caught more so than holding onto Harry.

Albus quietly took a seat. About 30 seconds later the door opened again. It was Lupin.

"Oh, thank Merlin. A group of Slytherin's said you were down here killing each other."

Remus quickly shut the door and went to stand by Albus.

It was then Harry looked up. He wiped his eyes.

"Feeling better now Harry?" asked Snape quietly.

"No, but I will be," he replied just as quietly.

"Harry?" Remus said.

Harry looked up and startled slightly at seeing Remus and the Headmaster. He hadn't heard them come in.

"Oh Remus, I'm sorry." Harry then launched himself at Lupin.

"Why are you sorry, cub?"

"Even though you told me not to put my feelings behind my occlumency shields, I did. It just hurt so much to know that I'll never have a family and that I'll never see Sirius again. It hurt because I thought it was my fault."

Severus turned away guiltily and conjured a mirror under the pretenses of checking to see how badly the boy had hit him.

"What happened Harry?" asked Dumbledore.

"I ... uh ... kinda attacked Professor Snape."

"With your wand?"

"My fists," muttered Harry.

"Tomorrow, after the memorial service and the will reading, I'm taking you to Grimmauld Place for the Christmas holidays so that you can begin to mourn properly," said Remus.

"No, I'm not ready to go back there yet. I'll be fine here at school."

"I don't want you shutting yourself up in your dorm the entire break."

"I won't. I promise. I'll come down to visit you every day if you want me to."

Remus frowned but nodded. "And don't throw yourself back into your work to forget, Harry. You need to mourn."

Harry glanced between his swollen knuckles and Professor Snape and flushed. "Yeah. I know." He then looked at Professor Snape. "I'm sorry I hit and kicked you sir."

"It's alright Potter. I provoked you on purpose because I could see what was happening. It was the only way that I knew to reach you. After the holiday's, I'll set up a detention with you because if I don't, the entire school will think they can get away with what just happened."

Harry nodded. "Yes sir."

"Why don't you spend the night in my quarter's Harry? We'll stay up and talk some," said Remus.

"Would that be okay Professor Dumbledore? My friends are leaving on the train to go home in the morning."

"It's fine, my dear boy. You better run along and assure them that Professor Snape has not maimed you."

Harry nodded and left the classroom. He found his friends waiting for him at the end of the hallway.

"Let's go for a walk near the lake," he suggested as he neared them. "I need to talk to you all and apologize for how I've been acting."

"What happened Severus?"

"I provoked Potter and he reacted, both with his fists and a huge bout of accidental magic."

"Why did you provoke him?" demanded Remus.

"Because he was not mourning. He had locked all of his emotions away and it was slowly killing him."

"So your answer was to have him punch you?"

"It wasn't my first choice but it worked. The same time he launched himself at me, he sent a wave of some kind of magic through the room that made all of his classmates fly out into the hallway. It evidently locked the door too because I heard people trying to get in."

"I didn't have any trouble though Minerva was about to transfigure the door to get in."

"It opened fine for me too," said Remus.

"So how did it go from him punching you to him crying in your arms?"

Severus shook his head. "Eventually he ran out of steam because he's clearly not been sleeping and then he suddenly started crying. I'm not sure how that happened actually, but I couldn't turn him away."

He then cast a glamour over his now swelling eye. "Try to keep him talking Lupin. He can't bottle himself up like this again."

Lupin nodded.

Harry sat down in a chair next to Dumbledore and Remus. There were about 15 various order members standing guard in case something happened.

The goblin then started reading the will. Sirius had left his cousin (Tonks) and Remus quite a bit of money. Harry had been left Grimmauld Place and all of his belongings plus the contents of his vaults, including the money that had not been given to the other two.

"In the event of my death, if Harry James Potter is still under the age of 17, I name his guardians to be Remus John Lupin and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Harry James Potter is not, under any circumstances, to be returned to Petunia Dursley and her family. Furthermore, they are to be prosecuted for their mistreatment of Harry James Potter, despite the protests he will have against this."

Harry's eyes widened. Sirius had saved him from the Dursley's but he was going to have to do something about punishing them. They hadn't asked for him after all.

The goblin eventually finished reading the will.

"Here is the Black vault key, Mr. Potter. You won't be able to visit it today because we have a loose dragon on that level of the vaults."

"Er ... okay," he said. "Thank you." Harry bowed to the goblin (he had learned that in History of Magic) much to everyone's surprise.

At the door, Harry looked at the goblin holding it open and said quietly, "Thank you, Griphook."

"We are sorry for your loss, Mr. Potter."

"Thank you."

Once they exited the bank, Harry held onto Remus' arm to apparate back to the castle.

"The memorial service was nice," Harry said to Remus as they walked to the castle's entrance.

"Sirius would have wanted pranks though," commented Lupin.

For the first time in two weeks, Harry laughed. "He would, wouldn't he?"

Later that evening, over a light supper in Remus' quarter's Harry looked at the man and said, "I know Sirius named you my guardian but since all I can do right is attract danger, I understand if you don't want to be."

Remus turned his head and scowled. "Nonsense Harry. I want to be here for you. And the Headmaster, well he's tickled pink at helping to raise you."

"I'm 15. There isn't much raising left to do."

Remus smiled. "Oh, I think you'd be surprised."

A/N: Okay ... okay. So it's later than I originally intended, but there was a lot of stuff to cover in this chapter, mainly Harry's grief. The next chapter deals with him beginning to heal some and of course, there is the small matter of Harry *finally* being informed of the truth. *waves hands around non-chalantly*

Who wants to takes bets on how many things Harry blows up when he's told the truth? ;-)

I want to say that I'll have the next chapter posted in around a week's time. I've mostly finished with the editing, but I do still have one section that needs work.

And I know that in the story, Lupin can't gain control of Harry d/t to his "furry little problem", but I've actually explained that in a later chapter.

*set's out a box of Berties Every Flavor Bean's for everyone to eat*