Journal,
Tonight I experienced the best night of my life. Spending time with Spencer was amazing. We get along so well and our talks flow so naturally. And the kiss was just, wow. No words for it. Indescribable. I loved every minute of it. But Spencer got scared. She jumped up and asked to be taken home. The car ride was quiet; no words were spoken besides goodbye. I drove around for a bit before coming home. I haven't heard from Spencer since I dropped her off and I haven't tried talking to her yet. In all honesty, I expected this to happen. I shouldn't be happy about it but I know that Spencer is going through a life changing experience, realizing she really does like girls. Flirting with them is a lot different than actually kissing one and it makes you have to deal with your feelings head on. That's the main reason I'm giving her space. She needs to work through this on her own time and not feel pressured by me or anyone else. I know she will talk to me when she's ready, or at least I hope she will.
End Journal
I spent the rest of the weekend at home. Kyla and Aiden came over and hung out and I told them about what happened with Spencer. They both agreed that the best thing I can do is give her space. I thought it would be easier than this.
My confidence that Spencer will talk to me soon has all but vanished and I'm just sad now. I keep replaying that night in my head over and over, trying to figure out if I could have done something different that would have helped her.
Over the next week, I buried myself in school and picked up some extra shifts for work. When I stay busy, the less upset I get. But every night I lay in bed missing her. I stare at my phone willing it to ring. I just want to know that she is ok.
It has been a week and I'm feeling very desperate. There's only one person that I know I can talk to about this that might have some answers. So I text Kayla.
Hey Kayla how have you been? –ash
It takes about ten minute before she responds. I haven't really talked to her as much as I should and I feel bad. Just a hey or wave at school is all. I have to start talking to her more.
Long time no hear Ashley! I've been good and how are you? –Kayla
I've been better but I'm glad you're doing well. How are your parents? –ash
My mom says she misses you and wants you to come over for dinner sometime and catch up –Kayla
I'd love to do that and I miss Melissa too. –ash
So spill, whats wrong Ash? –Kayla
Um, Kayla, have you talked to Spencer any like this past week? –ash
Grr please say yes please say yes.
Actually no, I've texted her a few times but no response. Why what happened? –Kayla
We went out last Friday and kinda um kissed and I haven't talked to her since then. I just wanted to see if she was ok. –ash
I hope she isn't upset that Spencer and I kissed. She knows that I like her but it might be too soon for her to hear this stuff.
WOW I can't believe you guys actually kissed. That's great for you two, but let me tell you something about Spencer first ok? –Kayla
…ok I guess? –ash
Spencer goes on these weird MIA sprees. She's done it for as long as I can remember. Sometimes she does it when something big has happened to her and sometimes she does it randomly. She will legit disappear from earth for any amount of time ranging from 1 week to a month. So I'd say that is what happened here. –Kayla
Where does she go? I mean is she at her house or does she leave or what? –ash
She usually just stays in her house and won't talk to anyone. –Kayla
Well this is fantastic. My crush is a flight risk. And she may or may not talk to be for a month. That is depressing.
What if I went to her house? Would she talk to me then? I'm desperate here Kay –ash
I dunno if she would or not I've never tried it but give her some more time and see if she comes out of it –Kayla
Thank you Kayla for your help. Let's do lunch this weekend? Sunday? –ash
Np and that sounds good just text me Sunday, ttyl Ash –Kayla
It's going to be really hard but I'm going to take Kayla's advice and give Spencer some more time. I think if she doesn't talk to me by next Friday I'm just going to go to her house and try to talk to her. This is sad because I feel like Spencer is going through this all alone and I want to be there for her and help her.
I really hope she doesn't regret kissing me. I already know how I feel about her and I know that I want to be with her.
"Alright, Ashley, tell me all about this big kiss with Spencer! Did you start it or did she? Did you guys like make out or was it a peck? How long did it last? Did she scream and run after, I wanna know everything!"
It's Sunday and I'm at lunch with Kayla. As soon as we sat down she started this. She's not upset which I'm happy about. Maybe she found herself a girl. I only want the best for Kayla and I know that it wasn't me.
"Slow down Kayla! I can only answer one question at a time," I tell her and take a deep breath, trying to remember everything she asked me.
"We were lying on our backs and I turned toward her then she turned toward me. We were just staring at each other. Then she licked her lips and leaned in and who am I to turn her down? I guess we both started it? I don't know. We didn't use tongue but it was more than just a peck. It was deep and intense and I would say it lasted for 10 seconds but don't quote me on that. She pulled away first then stood up and told me she should probably go home now," I tell her and gauge her reaction.
She just stares at me for a minute, probably trying to process what I said.
"I see, I see."
"I see? That's all you've got?" Come on, Kayla; help me out a bit here!
"Well she didn't completely freak out and scream so that's good. I guess she could just be scared of her feelings. I know I would be if I were her," she says.
"What do you mean, if you were her?"
"Did she tell you about her family at all?" she questions.
"Well, no. We didn't talk about them. Why?" I don't like where this is heading.
"Ashley, her mom is a religious nut. She pulled Spencer out of school when she found out I was gay. She made her do homeschooling just to get away from me. I can't even go to her house because her mom thinks I bring some wacky 'gay devil spirits' into their home," she tells me seriously.
"Well she told me that her parents were divorced. What about her dad?"
"Her dad is a psychiatrist and he left her mom because he doesn't believe in religion. He spends most of his time trying to shrink her. He would probably blame her mom for Spencer being gay."
This is a lot to take in. I had no idea about her home life. I should have asked her when I had the chance. No wonder she hasn't talked to me. My heart sinks when I think about what she must have went through growing up. All I really want to do right now is hold her and make her feel special and cherished.