Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize from the Stephanie Plum books belong to Janet Evanovich. The Inferna Angelus' on the other hand are solely mine as is the tiny terror tiger that rules them.

Special disclaimer: The song Bobby's singing for Rubén at the end of the chapter is I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

A/N: Here is 53 for you - wrapped up with a pretty sunny bow. For those of you with sensitive feelings or traumata on their own I want to warn you that Esme experiences another rape in her mind somewhere in the middle of this chapter. If you want to skip that part scroll forward to Bobby's next POV.

Special thanks to my beta and those who reviewed - you rock, girls!

Chapter 52 – I Won't Give Up

Cedar Creek, Bobby's POV

Slowly awareness crept into my mind as I inhaled deeply giving my system a jump-start. Something was different… felt off; but smelled familiar. I wasn't in my bed or even my bedroom for that matter. My limbs seemed heavier, weighted down, like they'd won the gravity lottery and a warm body laid comfortably pressed to my front. Hearing a soft snore, a smile tug at my lips. My eyes remained shut and I reveled in the feeling of Rubén against me. Even in his weakened state he was still massive, his shoulders and chest broad, thinning to his narrow hips. He'd always been such an intimidating, strong and dominant character; but holding and caring for him gave me pleasure and satisfaction beyond words.

Last night we spent hours caressing, kissing and just enjoying each other. The sweet and unhurried tone cemented the reassurance we both needed from the other. This was real and neither of us was about to bail. I remember looking into his warm brown eyes and getting lost in their depths. They were awake, no longer dim or harboring fear. They shone with love and curiosity and sparkled with Rubén's playful mischief and a zest for life.

When it was time for me to leave, I couldn't bring myself to climb out of the bed. Everything in me screamed to stay and envelop Mi Amigo in my arms. The thought of being alone after such a long and stressful day almost brought on a panic attack. So, when Rubén searched for my hand and squeezed it, I stripped down to my boxer briefs and hopped back into his bed pulling him into me. When I entangled his naked legs with mine and splayed my hand over the warm skin of his stomach, I became lightheaded. For a few sweet moments before I drifted off to sleep, I felt peaceful and the fear for Esme and our future was somewhat soothed.

Now in the morning, even with Rubén in my arms, the tranquility from last night was gone. My mind was racing a hundred miles a minute as thoughts of my Baby penetrated my awareness. How is Esme doing, is she fine, have they already found Escobar, is the mission accomplished, are they perhaps on their way back? This ignorance was eating me alive. Never before have I been so scared for somebody and the feeling was suffocating. Rolling on my back, I rubbed my sternum trying to get in some good deep breaths. I needed to get away from here, out into the fresh air, alone with myself. Cautiously peeling away from Rubén, I put on my clothes, wrote him a note saying I'd be back later and silently found my way out of the still sleeping institute to the Panamera waiting for me in the parking lot. The early morning air was untainted and wonderful and for a moment I just stood there, my face soaking up the first warm rays of sun. I did some deep breathing against the lingering tightness in my chest and thought how much I disliked this new fearful aspect of me.

Fifteen minutes later with warm water pattering down on my head from the hotel shower, Esme saturated my thoughts. She was my strong, brave, irrepressible tigress. We have known each other so many years; but it took my break down for us to fall in love. I felt ashamed for abandoning her just as I had Rubén. She needed me at her side and I ran; but nonetheless she saw beauty and perfection in me.

Dear god, please let her come back to me; please give me the chance to be a faithful, devoted, caring mate to her. Take from me whatever necessary; but please let her return healthy and alive.

Colombia, Esme's POV

It was three o'clock in the morning. Lying flat on our bellies on the wet, dense jungle ground, Rev, Agony and I slowed down our heartbeats and steeled our breathing. Darkness clung to the sky as the damp air smothering us crept through our already drenched clothes and into our bones. The branches and foliage sufficiently hid us; but did nothing to shield our bodies from the tooth-chattering cold. Ten yards away the enemy lurked and crawled with rifles leveled and searching the undergrowth for us. Earlier this night they'd picked up a goddamned foot print from Vince's team in the muddy ground and have been searching relentlessly ever since.

Within minutes of their discovery, more teams began popping up everywhere crawling out of the rat holes where they'd been hiding essentially trapping the Rangemen and IAs. Only Ram, Rage and V were able to pull back and retreat. I could feel them on the other side of the valley pacing and anxious to help; but I put them at ease. Should shit hit the fan, we'd need them to ambush these fuckers from behind. A fiery stab shot through my head right into my brow and I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain. Through Agony and Rev's ears I could hear the sluck-slurp from the Guerillas' rubber boots with every miserable step they took. They weren't exactly stealthy; but we were fucked just from the sheer number of their manpower.

Cal, I pushed to him and his team. Keep your current position. The men in front of you are leaving; but a group of four is coming up behind you from southeast. Estimated distance: forty yards.

Vince, retreat eastward about fifty yards, then wait for further directions.

Furor, you are now cornered on three sides and they are closing in fast. Get up into the trees. Now.

The whole recon mission had gone totally FUBAR because of one stupid, flipping footprint someone forgot to brush away.

A shadow of a nudge to my arm brought me back to our current predicament of the Guerrillas swiftly advancing toward us. One of them had zeroed in on the brush we were hiding behind and was just a mere two yards away. He reeked with the stench of impending death and destruction. Channeling one hell of a sting into his left leg, we watched as he faltered, bent and started to scratch the skin. Distracted by the sudden zap, his focus slipped from his quest. The sudden call from one of his cronies saved our lives as he turned and hurried after the others. Turning over onto my back I let go of the breath I was holding. Agony and Rev followed, their hands meeting on my stomach. Gripping them, the three of us squeezed. That was a close call. Once more my mind had dealt fate a hand; but how often before I'd fail and someone would have to pay with their life? The moon and the stars were still bright above us; but sunrise would come soon. We needed to get outta here. Fast. Or we'd end up in a lead-filled tango with the Grim Reaper.

Let's move. We have a clear line for about hundred yards.

Agony and Rev immediately got up and leveled their assault rifles. Keeping an eye on the situation for Furor, Vince and Cal, I blindly followed Rev while Agony brought up the rear. My head was pounding like a jackhammer from the constant scanning. This shit was nothing like our usual missions. Normally, we were all close by, my radar just needed to scan our immediate surroundings. Now, I continuously had to cover maximum range with my men scattered in small groups over the valley. In addition, the enemy was in superior number all over the place like ants. The strain was sucking the energy right out of me and I needed a serious break or I would no longer be able to protect them all.

Physically and emotional spent from the exertion of earlier, I was suddenly overcome by the memory of Bobby and our last goodbye. He'd been so down, so full of fear and self-doubt; but at the same time he looked at me with so much love and adoration. The sentiment almost left me feeling suffocated. He called me his queen, claimed I possessed the wisdom of the ages and was an angel sent from the gods. He was so wrong. Nothing wise here. An angel? Yeah, sure; but hell-sent, maybe, certainly not heaven-sent. I may rescue people for a living; but in the process I killed others and all without a second thought. I seldom let my mangled soul escape the confines of my body's scarred shell. Very few people got to see the real me. Constantly hearing their thoughts, I have come to deeply dislike most of manhood. I tried to make the best of my life and I knew I'd achieved a lot over the years; but it was a hard fight not to become a hateful cynic.

Cedar Creek, Bobby's POV

As soon as I climbed out of the Porsche, a sensation of dread overtook my consciousness. Once again I found myself rubbing my sternum and sucking in air as a new bout of tightness constricted my chest. Instantly, I took off running toward the institute's main building. Rubén. Something was wrong! With each stride closer to the ICU and his room, my inner alarm system buzzed relentless warnings; while the vise around my ribcage further stifled my breathing.

The sight accosting me as I rushed into the room made my blood freeze. Rubèn's eyes were torn wide open in fear, the pupils dilated and the white visible all around. Stress oozed from his every pore; while his arms flailed uncoordinated. His voice was agitated; but the words an incomprehensible mess. One of his female nurses stood away from the scene with worry written over her face. Two unknown males were pressing down on his shoulders, forcing him into the mattress while a young doctor tried to talk against the commotion.

"ENOUGH," I thundered, instantaneously making everybody in the room jump.

I wasn't sure what was happening with me; but the second I saw Rubén scared and on the verge of going 'bye-bye', something in me snapped causing the beast I buried so many years ago to rear its ugly head, straighten up to its full height and let loose a tremendous roar.

"Immediately let go of him and step away," I snarled at the two male nurses and the doctor as my body trembled, "or you'll wish you'd never set foot into this room."

I was juiced, wired for aggression and ready to attack. The rush was exhilarating and I imagined this must be how an overprotective mama grizzly watching after her young cubs would react. Blood surged through my body energizing every cell. I stalked over to Rubén's bed glowering at the three men who fearfully scrambled away from me. They'd meet a world of hurt should they have brought on a setback in Rubén's recovery.

The moment I sat down on the edge of his bed, I felt the hard plains of my face softening and tenderness filling my eyes. God, Rubén looked so scared, so disturbed and lost, I wanted to pull him into my arms and never let go.

"Hey Amigo," I leaned over him, caressed his face and brushed his hair behind his ears.

Rubén's cheeks remained flushed while the whites of his eyes cast an eerie backdrop for his glazed-over pupils. He continued to mumble incoherent things through shallow, ragged breaths.

"Hush, Baby. It's okay. I'm right at your side. Nothing can happen to you."

Leaning down so our foreheads touched, I closed my eyes and started to breathe slowly encouraging him to fall in step with me while I gently stroked his cheeks and jaw with my thumbs. He struggled to concentrate; but after several minutes his short, erratic gasps became more and more controlled.

"That's right, Honey. Breathe with me. Whatever they said or did, you are in control. I will make sure they understand that your wishes are to be honored and anything you don't want will not happen."

Feeling his chest relax under me, I knew I had finally gotten through to him. They had tried to force him to something he didn't want. Suppressing a growl that wanted to leave my throat, I lifted my head and started to press soft butterfly kisses around his face.

"Better now?" I asked after a last kiss to his soft lips.

I'd heard Dr. Garvey enter the room a few minutes ago while I was calming down Rubén and realized with satisfaction that he was reprimanding the young doctor who'd obviously ordered to restrain my man. When he was finished and everybody beside the three of us left the room, he turned toward the bed, his eyes showing nothing but gentleness and concern.

"Hey Rubén, I apologize for what just happened. You want to tell us what got you so agitated?" he asked in his sincere, soft-spoken way while pulling over one of the guest chairs.

I held Rubén's hand, my thumb drawing soothing circles on its back. He was trying to collect his bearings; but his face remained intense. His mind seemed to be all over the place and not able to process a coherent thought. His mouth opened and closed, several times, until his eyes started to get a faraway look as though he was slipping into a daze or worse back into an unresponsive state.

"Stay with me, my man," I squeezed his hand and could see Doc Garvey's alarmed look in my peripheral vision.

Quickly conjuring up a spiky massage ball, the doc moved to the other side of the bed and started to roll the ball along Rubén's arms and legs. He placed it into Ruben's hands and squeezed them until his eyes became more and more focused. It was a known way to keep people who tended to dissociate from slipping into an abyss and thankfully it worked its magic.

"Rubén," Doc Garvey started anew after a few minutes of thoughtful silence while I kept stroking and squeezing my Amigo's hand. "Provided that you agree, I'd like to give you a dose of a moderate potency anti-psychotic. I don't think you want to drop back into your catatonic state. Right now your mind is overrun with stress and anxiety. Basically, the command center in your brain is firing volleys of neurons in all directions. The anti-psychotic will calm you down and help your mind to sort through your thoughts. Would that be acceptable for you?"

Forty minutes later…

The medication had taken effect and Rubén was laying calm and relaxed in my arms, his back to my front. The protective roar that had ignited my body earlier had died down; but simmered at a constant current through my veins. I was tired; but at the same time strangely alive.

When Rubén and I met for the first time, I wasn't your ordinary, run of the mill gentle medic. I was aggressive and combative with the bitterness of my past fueling every actions. He understood me, didn't take my attacks personally and would reign me in when necessary. In return, I could appease him, level him and bring out his gentle, playful side. The start of our relationship was rough; but we quickly realized how much we complemented each other. Together, we felt whole; complete in a strange cosmic way. The years of pain and despair that followed eradicated any fire in me. Well, until today when it came back with a vengeance.

I worried about my two lovers. Nobody could say how far Rubén would recover from this last breakdown. There was the possibility he'd need special care for the rest of his life. And Esme? She was facing her own hells. One, an internal battle within her subconscious, that terrorized her with unrelenting images of her tortured and raped past. The other, a physically grueling challenge in some wet, bug infested Colombian jungle. Esme always seemed remarkably prepared and always geared for a fight; but still she was only human regardless of the tough, tigress persona she displayed. There was no saying that after this mission when she pursued her own therapy that she'd pull through and turn up at the end smelling like roses. Most probably it would be a long, rough and bumpy road.

They both struggled to trust, to let loose and to wholeheartedly relay on others. I had no doubt supporting and helping them would be a challenge from time to time. Nonetheless, I felt elated; a long lost fire flowing through my body. Perhaps it was because I knew mom and pop had my back and supported me. Perhaps it was that finally I started to find myself and drew strength out of this new self-perception and my love for these two amazing warriors. Whatever the reason, I was ready for this new part of my life.

Colombia, Esme's POV

I really needed to stop this shit. I was tired of breathing moisture, crawling through jungles, scrubs or mud holes, wearing the same clothes soaked with sweat for days or weeks on end, being eaten up by mosquitoes and bitten or stung by critters with no or more legs than me.

It was only noon with the humidity above ninety percent and rising. To make matters worse, the sun rested at its zenith and was scorching our already sweat soaked bodies. The salty juice poured in rivulets down our skin, stinging in our eyes and then finally either falling off the edge of our jaws or absorbing into our already drenched clothes. You'd have to be here to really appreciate the physical, emotional and psychological pain. Our burning, aching joints and muscles were nothing compared to the flaming agony radiating from our boot imprisoned feet or our raw, blistered and excoriated skin; but after unending hours of being trapped and threatened by exposure we were finally free to move.

Thank God, fate or whoever else hears me. Thank you.

The rest of the men were safely on their way up to the cave to regroup. On our retreat back, Agony and Rev sandwiched me between them allowing my mind to zone out and doodle. Thoughts of Bobby and Rubén invaded my mind. To be all tender and loving with both of them felt so natural and kissing them both just seemed so right. No matter how close I'd been with Rubén, whether I'd lain spooned up in his arms, had caressed, kissed or otherwise loved him, Bobby had shown no sign of jealousy. On contrary, he'd seemed to like seeing the two of us so intimate with each other.

The only relationships I'd ever known close up and personal were homosexual; namely Agony and Rev's, Bobby and Rubén's and those of our employees at Great Falls. The rest of the guys weren't interested in something steady and had studiously kept their sex life away from me. I never thought that it would be possible for three people to love each other to even amounts without resentfulness; but it felt good and without strain. With Bobby and Rubén at my side, I was complete, alive and lighthearted.

Happiness flared in my chest as I remembered the three of us huddled on Rubén's bed, teasing and bantering. It was the first time they both kissed me at the same moment. Rubén and I were lost in the slow, sweet dance of our tongues as I suddenly felt Bobby brushing the hair away from my neck and starting to suckle at the nape. Their simultaneous attention made every cell in my body light up like a Christmas tree; but the killer was when Rubén detached from my mouth and he and Bobby locked eyes. Never before had anything touched me as so erotic as the kiss they then shared with me safely tugged between them. Their bodies surged toward each other and into me and I couldn't help the noiseless moan that escaped me and purred through their minds.

Letting my mind unconsciously reach out, I froze mid-step when I felt several people not twenty yards away from us. Agony, Rev and I flattened ourselves onto the soil and anxiously slowed our pulse and breathing down. Where the fuck did they come from? Had I allowed myself to daydream for too long?

They were three people, two men and a female hostage directly ahead of us and visible through the brush. The girl was blind and paralyzed with fear. I could hear her whimpering in my mind while the men became increasingly aroused by pulling her back and forth between them and kicking her whenever she fell to the ground. One of the men then pulled the girl back against his front and started to grind his body into her.

I was trapped in her mind, unable to disconnect as the bastard ripped off the tattered clothes hanging around her beaten body. Without warning, he rammed his member into her and my hand flew to my crotch as her pain shot through me. I felt his arms firmly tighten around my body like a vice and I fought them like there was no tomorrow. New arms and legs appeared further trapping me. I turned my head and bit the wrist near my face as hard as I could until I tasted blood; but the man never loosened his hold on me. I felt his face in my neck, his warm breath against my skin and I went ballistic. Before I could gain momentum, I was hauled over and buried under an immense weight. The constant pounding into my core tore me open and I felt warm blood running down the inside of my legs.

God. No. Please, no, I cried in my mind.

Big, fat tears were running down my face as I was painfully pounded deeper into the ground with each thrust. There was nothing I could do against the filth violating me so bestially. My mind drifted off and I started to float above the scene. As though a bystander looking down on the gruesome spectacle, I watched as the man finished with an animalistic roar. His hot seed shot into my body, contaminating it and taking away my dignity as it mingled with my blood and slowly flowed out of my body. I wanted to whimper, pull up my knees and crawl back into myself until nothing was left on the surface; but without warning, I was roughly pulled up and brutally slammed face first into a tree. The second man shoved my legs apart and pushed his hard swollen sex into my now sleek core. He seemed to be bigger than his predecessor and tore my small hole open even wider. I bore his attack digging deep to dissociate from my body; but the constant pain never let me truly detach from myself. Then his thing slipped out of me and without warning rammed into my ass. My head filled with a scream that I knew would never be heard. My breathing became frantic gasps and I was choking on my own tears. A hand clapped over my mouth as I was pushed even deeper into the tree, suffocating under the weight pressing into me.

Please, mother of God. Make them stop. I have a home I need to return to; Bobby and Rubén waiting for me. Please, don't let this happen to me, I begged in a constant iterative loop.

Just as I was about to slip into unconsciousness I wondered what had happened to the girl. Then everything went black.

Twenty minutes later…

I woke up to my head rhythmically bobbing to and fro. The earth must be moving. Fast. No, wait, I was moving. Someone was carrying me at a brisk pace. My inner alarm went off like a banshee. In a tidal rush, memories of the rape slammed back into my mind causing me to freeze and start sweating instantly. With a soundless yelp, I jerked out of the hold and fell to the ground. Before I could open my eyes, my arms and legs were tackled and driven into the soil.

Angel, Sweetie, it's me. Agony. Look at me, Angel. You've got nothing to fear, Agony's face swam into view; but the plea to stop fighting never reached my brain. Esme, Sweetie, stop. It's Rev and me. Nothing can happen to you. We'd never let anything happen to you, Agony assured me in his mind. As his words finally rushed past the barricade, my limbs slacked and I lay on the damp earth trying to catch my erratic breath. The burning sun stung my eyes until Agony's face appeared above me. He cast an appreciated shadow as I tried to work on a coherent thought. In my peripheral vision I saw Rev on full alert, covering us.

"What happ… Oh My God! I was raped. How could I have been raped!?" I finally signed as soon as I felt capable of thinking. "Why… Why didn't you prevent it?" Agony's face was pained. "Angel, you weren't raped. It was the hostage girl. You were linked to her mind and couldn't disconnect." I blinked several times while I tried to process the information.

"No, no… I felt it! I fought them," I looked at him while my clouded mind feverishly sped trying to catch up with the happenings. Agony shook his head. "You fought me and Rev. First, I tried to hold you down on my own; but Rev had to come and help. You went berserk on us; kicking, thrashing and biting."

I looked at his wrists and sure enough the left one was chewed raw with a blood soaked bandaged covering the wound. I knew I had felt the penetration and the unmistakable sensation of blood running down my legs. Looking at my cargoes they sure enough were drenched. Confused, my eyes found Agony's.

"You wet yourself," he signed and lovingly caressed my face. "No worries, It was your body's reaction to the stress." I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut. God, it had been so real. My crotch and ass were burning with pain. Angrily wiping away the tears that sprung free from the corners of my eyes, I took some deep cleansing breaths. I wanted to be home with Bobby holding me gently in his arms as the breath from his whispered words of love caressed my skin.

What happened to the girl? I looked back at him. Agony took a shuddering breath. "She screamed cushioning our noises. Otherwise, we would have been discovered. After they'd finished brutalizing her, the girl's half unconscious body was dragged upward, probably towards the scarp face they pushed the other hostages over. We didn't linger. As soon as Rev had tended to my wrist, I picked you up and we hurried off."

I nodded and closed my eyes to send a prayer skyward for the girl hoping her death would come fast and without further pain and anguish. The air around me was saturated with Agony and Rev's suffering. It was against their nature not to help the weaker and helpless. Turning away and going off without taking care of those two bastards agonized them.

You couldn't do anything for her, I sent to them both and found Agony's hand, intertwining our fingers. Any interaction with Escobar's men would have endangered our mission, most probably killed us. Remember what is waiting for us home – the safety, the friendship and love, a place where we belong and are missed – and then let's ensure Escobar and his men rot in hell for what they did to this girl and all those other innocents.

Cedar Creek, Bobby's POV

The blinds were down, shutting out the hot afternoon sun, dipping the room into cheerful yellow and cream hues. Rubén was sitting on a stool in the small en-suite bathroom while I toweled his hair dry. Around lunch time they came to remove the catheter and feeding tube. He was mobile and yearned for a shower; but couldn't manage on his own. With a smile, I removed our clothes and gently guided him under the warm spray. There had been nothing sexual about the act of us naked together in the shower. Just a deep, devoted love as I carefully washed his hair, soaped his body up with rich foamy suds and rinsed the grim of the last three months away.

"You look like one of those California surfer boyz," I smiling bent over and pressed a kiss on his damp outgrown, unruly hair. "You think you can stand up at the sink while I shave you all baby-smooth and kissable?"

Throwing the towels into the hamper and quickly pulling on some boxer briefs, I gave Rubén room and time to preserve his pride and weave his way over to the sink on unsteady legs. When I saw him gripping the sink's edge for balance, I walked over and pressed myself gently into his back, pulling his naked body to my front and steadying him while I placed a row of nibbles and kisses from his neck along his shoulder. A sappy sigh escaped as I leaned my chin on his collar-bone and watched us in the mirror over the sink; his honey-colored skin in front of my chocolate one, my arms holding him tight and steady. The sight filled me with warmth and a feeling of happiness.

"I love you. Don't worry about Mom and Pop; I'll be at your side the whole time," I murmured, our eyes locked in the mirror.

After Rubén's earlier panic attack, his parents had spent time talking to Dr. Garvey about the episode before they'd explored the center and surrounding grounds. Now they were patiently waiting for word that they could come up to finally see their son.

"When things are all said and done," I started as I cautiously moved my old-fashioned straight razor over his skin, "and Esme, you and I are capable of some serious traveling, we'll take our love to all the places we've been in our life and never could hang around. Just the three of us."

A smile appeared on Rubén's lips.

"Yeah," I flashed my pearly whites back at him. "I like the idea, too. Just the three of us; no prying eyes, no stress, no responsibilities."

Twenty minutes later, I had Rubén shaved and helped him into some soft cotton shorts and a muscle shirt. He was lying on top of the covers on his bed with the head raised and pillows stuffed into his back. The change had come slowly, barely even noticeable; but sometime between our intimate togetherness in the bathroom and now, Rubén had withdrawn and become nervous to the point where he was fidgeting with the rippled hem of his shirt. As there was a soft knock at the door, a cold and sweaty hand grabbed for mine while he kept his eyes studiously down at his shirt's hem.

"It's gonna be okay, honey. I'm right by your side," I squeezed his clammy hand before calling for Mom and Pop to enter.

In the past few days, I often wondered how it would be for Lucia and Diego to see their son for the first time after believing for years that he was dead. Even wondering how I could possibly make this easier for them; but you can't plan human emotions and reactions. Sure as shit didn't foresee Rubén's response. The moment the door opened, his big body turned into stone. The grip he had on my hand became almost painful. His parents stopped just inside the door when they became aware of their son's coiled body and the hostile vibes he threw off.

"Mi hijo," Pop's voice sounded softly through the room. "Estamos aquí - mamá y papá." (My son. It's us – Mom and Pop.)

Rubén jerked, pulled over onto his side and curled up around our entwined hands, deliberately turning his back toward his parents. "Baby," my free hand stroked his face as I pushed my chair out of the way to crouch down next to his bed so our faces were level. "What's wrong?"

His breathing was deep and fierce. Faintly reminiscent of Muerte, his eyes had an emotional detachment and hard edge to them. He slowly rasped out, "They… should… go," his voice threatening and deeper than usual. "Why?" I asked him softly. "I thought you were ready and wanted to see them." The whole time my cool fingers stroked a soothing pattern on his heated skin.

Rubén locked his eyes with mine and stared at me unblinking. His hand kept up its pressure and his nostrils flared with each forceful breath. Unexpectedly, I saw an emotion flicker in his eyes. Hatred. Cold, calculating hatred. I'd almost forgotten its existence these last few weeks; but as quickly as the emotion flashed, it vanished and his eyes were back to their warm shaken brown.

"What do you fear will happen?" I tried again, ignoring what I'd just witnessed, quickly looking over to Lucia and Diego to check on them; but they stood solid at the door and waited.

"They… I…," Rubén struggled, his voice back to its male Jazz and Bourbon smoothness.

I opened the top drawer of the mobile cabinet next to the bed and pulled out the spikey massage ball. "Here, take this in your hands. Kneading it will help you to collect your thoughts."

Reluctantly, Rubén let go of my hand and started to give the ball a workout.

"They…," he started again after some five minutes. "They will leave and not come back."

"Why would they do that?" I asked him, capturing the tear in the corner of his eyes before it could spring free.

"I'm damaged," my man whispered through a clogged up throat.

"They won't," I kissed him softly. "Nobody will leave you alone. We love you, Mi Amigo. Your condition does not matter to us."

"You left."

Talk about taking a dagger to the heart. I flinched and grabbed my chest. He was right. I had left him. I was guilty of turning my back on him and now the fucking unforgivable moment of weakness finally caught up with me.

"True. I abandoned you and there's no reparation for the hurt I caused you or Esme; but now I am back and I'm getting stronger with every passing day. Think of Esme. This is her wish for you. She loves you and wants you to once again know complete happiness in your life. She believes reconnecting with your parents will help you heal and achieve what she hopes for you. Imagine a whole family to support you, to lean on when I struggle or you are pissed off with me. I know it's hard for you to trust; but please try this once. 'When you allow yourself to be loved, you're never alone again.' You'll be stuck with all of us for the rest of your life."

Rubén stayed silent as I saw his mind working. When I thought he reached a decision, the right decision, I lifted our once more entwined hands and nodded for Mom to come over. Tentatively, she walked around the bed until she stood right next to where I still crouched.

"I love you, Baby. Today and forever. I vow that I'll try to never disappoint much less hurt you again," I whispered before I kissed him tenderly, stood up and gave his hand over to his mother.

The next 90 minutes were an up and down of emotions. After a few minutes, Rubén finally looked up at his mother and the tears started to roll down Mom's face. She couldn't stop whispering words of love as she caressed his face, arms and hands; but Rubén remained tensed. His dad finally lured him out of his shell. When Pop sat down on the opposite side of the bed and the mattress dipped, my man instantly froze. Pop just waited him out until Rubén finally turned onto his back. For long minutes the two of them just gazed at each other, taking in everything. Then Pop reached over and pulled our Amigo up into his arms holding him tight for a perceived eternity. They'd always had this special bond; their relationship fortified by mastering the many obstacles and challenges life threw at them. Pop whispered into Rubén's ear and after a few minutes of this intimate exchange, I saw Rubén's body relax and he started to cry. Whatever Pop said broke the damn and I was glad. Mom went around the bed and for the longest time they both just held their son sandwiched between them, pouring all the love, support and security into him that words could never express. There wasn't much spoken on this afternoon. For the most part, caresses, touches and the occasional kiss were the base of communication and soon enough Rubén fell into an exhausted sleep.

Lucia and Diego had a hard time leaving; but they knew this was just the beginning and they'd be back the next day. We said our goodbyes, both of them hugging me tight.

I was lost in thought, softly playing on the guitar I'd brought a week ago, when there was a knock at the door.

"Hello Bobby," one of Rubén's nurses quietly came in, carrying a tray with a glass bowl of – bluck – Jell-O. "It's time for Rubén to start eating real food. Do you want me to wake and help him or do you want to take matters in your own hands?" She smiled at me.

"I'll do it, Sarah. Thank you." The nurse placed the tray on the table in the corner and flitted silently out of the room.

No way would I let anybody else disturb him let alone feed him. Feeding someone was one of the most intimate and rewarding things you could do for a person. This was our special day and I'd take care of him all by myself. I felt the familiar rush of possession and protection simmering under the surface; but this time the beast wasn't out to attack. It prowled on the inside, vigilant, in full safeguarding mode; shifting around to keep an eye on every possible threat to the man I loved.

Sitting on the foot of the bed, I gazed at Rubén's scarred face and felt a flutter deep within me. In my eyes, sleep's peacefulness amid all those horrid witnesses of the past accentuated his beauty. He was mine, as was Esme, and right now I felt more protective of my two lovers than ever before. Eying the Jell-O, I smiled, positioned the guitar back on my lap and started to softly pluck the strings. I knew exactly how I would wake my man. There was this song that perfectly captured my feelings for Esme and Rubén and as I started to sing the first verse, the corners of Rubén's mouth twitched and sleepy eyes opened, adoring me.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up