MEMOS
Minerva McGonagall! Have I got a treat for you?
I hope not. Your treats usually entail sock shopping or a large amount of animal-related peril.
This contains none of those things.
…
Yet.
Sigh. Again.
Your vocal chords must be hurting from all of that emphatic sighing.
And it's all your fault.
All of it?
All of it.
Not even a tiny bit of Horace?
Not even a tiny bit.
Damn.
Tell me about the treat, already!
Patience, my dear.
NO! I will not be patient. You told me that you have a non-boring, non-dangerous treat for me; you cannot withhold further information from me! It's like keeping a teddy from a child!
Or from you.
I do not sleep with a teddy bear!
Not every night.
Hush. I think Horace is around and he will read this wrong and try to use it as blackmail material.
But you still have the goods on him, don't you?
The goods?
You know, the information about his *Ahem* pineapple shorts incident.
What? OH! Oh, sweet Merlin, I will NEVER forget that… unfortunately.
Good. We can bleed him for a few Galleons.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore! That is most unethical! You would make me go through that torture for just a few Galleons? Do you not care about my mental welfare?
So… the amount bothers you, but you don't find the actual blackmail unethical?
Not at all.
Remind me why I hired you again.
I do not need to. You can feel my superiority shining through this memo.
Alright, before this conversation gets any odder, I will revert the topic back to your treat!
Ooh, what is it?
Well, since you are my new Deputy, I have arranged for you to learn a spell that has been top secret in Hogwarts history since the time of the founders.
A spell? Is that all?
Well, I would have thought that the simple title of Deputy Headmistress of Europe's most prestigious school for budding witches and wizards would have been enough for you.
You still do not know me yet.
I arranged for this greatly coveted spell to be taught to you out of the goodness of my heart, and you treat it as if I have just given you a boatload of work to do! You were always looking for a challenge as a student, but the moment you come back as a teacher, you become a possession-obsessed maniac.
It's compulsory to learn this spell, isn't it?
Yes.
What a treat.
Yes, indeed.
*THREE HOURS LATER*
Piertotum locomotor!
Stop saying it! Do you know what kind of trouble that can cause?
It will bring to life all the statues!
Yes. And do you know how long it will take to get them all back to where they should be?
Can I use it? Please? Just once?
If I agreed, everybody would be using the statues for menial chores like washing up and making beds. House Elves would become obsolete and would have nothing to do with themselves. Plus, Hogwarts would have no pretty statues to line its halls.
Please?
In time, my girl. In time.
A/N: Because the use of this spell was arguably the best part of the film. Next memo: What actually is the pineapple shorts incident? Stay tuned to find out!