A/N: Alright, I am *slightly* worried about this chapter because too many people have told me they are looking forward to hearing about this incident and I am certain this is not what you were expecting, unless – like me – you have a mind that is warped beyond any kind of repair. Plus, I was very, very tired (and waiting for midnight to come along so that I could raid Pottermore to try to get in early) when I wrote this. Anyway, I hope you like it!
MEMOS
My eyes! My perfectly beautiful eyes!
I am afraid to ask.
They're burning!
Literally?
It burns!
Alright, get it all out of your system.
I think I might die.
Stop being over-dramatic.
I am telling the truth! I will either die of shame or of being burnt to death from a fire started in my eye sockets.
So your eyes really are on fire?
*Death*
Oh, come on! You cannot die on me, Minerva McGonagall! I need you to do my paperwork!
My death is your fault. I hope you have that on your conscience for the rest of your tawdry existence.
It shall forever haunt me.
I think you will find that sarcasm is my thing.
I am perfectly serious: Your death will plague my dreams for eternity.
…
Mainly because it is a recurring and very happy dream that I have.
You evil man.
Aren't I just? Anyway, if I am to be blamed for your death, I would like to know exactly how I brought it about.
Oh, Merlin, where do I start?
From the beginning, like any sensible person would do.
Well, when you say it like that, I am tempted not to tell you!
How can you tell how I am saying it? I'm writing words on a piece of paper!
There is no need for rudeness.
Just tell your story and leave me in peace.
Fine. I found a book on rare potions in my library at home.
Not uncommon in an old family house.
That isn't the end of the story, Albus.
Oh… of course not.
Anyway, I thought it might interest Horace and it's not like I was going to read it; I am diabolical with anything other than simple Potions.
You got an O at O.W.L.
Like I said, I can only do simple potions and the potions in this book were anything but simple. Therefore, being the lovely, kind-hearted woman I am, I asked him to come with me to my rooms while I went to get it for him.
Does this story have a double speed button or something?
You wanted to hear the whole story, Albus!
I never actually said that.
If you insist on talking, it will take much longer to tell!
…
So, there we were in my living room; I was searching the place because I had forgotten where I had put the book and he asked to use my bathroom.
And you said 'yes'?
Well, I didn't want the contents of his bladder spilled over my lovely wooden floors!
Fair enough.
So, I found the book just as he was coming out of the bathroom and –
He had turned into a vampire?
No. Worse.
How can it possibly be worse than that?
He came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but a rather gaudy pair of boxer shorts. They had PINEAPPLES on them for Merlin's sake! PINEAPPLE SHORTS!
Oh. My. Goodness.
DO NOT LAUGH, Albus Dumbledore. The man honestly thought that I wanted to… you know… with HIM! He was my Potions Professor for crying out loud!
Did you let him?
Did I let him what?
You know…
No, I did not sleep with him! My eyes are still burning from the sight of it.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
It's not funny! I almost died of embarrassment.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
And the fact that I was choking on laughter didn't help.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
STOP IT, YOU HEARTLESS BUFFOON!
Please tell me that you took a picture or something.
No, I couldn't stand to.
…
It was awkward enough having to tell him that I am not interested and to get out of my rooms.
I bet you were mortified.
I was.
I think that constitutes a little blackmail.
Blackmail?
Just a little emotional compensation; he scarred you for life. Do you not want vengeance?
You are trying to convince me to blackmail a colleague and former teacher?
Yes.
Well, there's a new one.
Before I die of a ruptured lungs due to excessive laughter, I have one more question for you.
Sigh. Continue.
Did he take the book?