MEMOS
Dolores Bloody Umbridge!
No, my name is Albus Bloody Dumbledore. A-L-B-U-S. Are you finally losing your marbles, woman?
You had better be wishing that you hadn't written that.
I am.
Good. Now, what I meant was why, oh why, did you allow the Ministry to push that vile, foot-scented toad upon us?
Cornelius was pretty steadfast in his decision.
That has never stopped you before!
Do we have to have this conversation again? Can't you just tell me what she said to you in that meeting to renew your detestation of her?
It is not so much renewing as increasing to the point where my blood pressure is perilously high.
If I anger you enough, will your limbs explode?
No, Albus.
It won't work.
Albus, stop it.
You look terrible in tartan.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE SHUT YOUR MOUTH! NONE OF MY LIMBS ARE EXPLODING, OKAY?
O-kay…
I could report you for trying to kill your employees.
You could. But you wouldn't.
But why not? I could be my own boss, fob all of my paperwork off onto Filius and spend my days plotting world domination from the comfort of my tartan-covered, knick-knack free office!
YOU WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE LEADER!
Albus! None of my limbs will be exploding today, thank you very much!
…
Toad Face's however…
So I will get to see some explosion of human tissue and innards?
Almost definitely, you scarily revolting human being.
Good enough for me.
…
What did she do then?
She found the board.
She didn't?
She did.
She didn't?
Yes, she did.
She didn't?
SHE DID!
She didn't?
I think we have safely established that she did and that none of my limbs will be exploding due to excessive anger!
…
...
She didn't?
Thank you for causing the head-shaped dent in my desk.
I didn't force you to bang your head against the desk.
Well, that's not all I've banged against my desk.
SWEET MOTHER OF MERLIN! I am shocked! Where did that come from?
Well, now that I have your attention… Umbridge found the dartboard.
…
The one with her picture on it.
…
And several darts in the nose.
Did she find the other one? The one with the tally?
Yes.
Well, this is what happens when you keep an Umbridge dartboard and a tally of all the disasters she's inadvertently caused in your office.
Thank you for the moral support.