Chapter 22:
The drums seemed to thrum throughout the very walls of Erebor, giving the congregation the impression that the mountain itself was alive and watching the proceedings with a thundering heart.
Kili stood before the tombs of the fallen and felt the sharp pain in his side match the pace of its piercing grip to the beat of the drums echoing around him. He stared without any sound of movement at the final resting place of his older brother and his uncle as if waiting for someone to tell him what he had to do next.
He was clueless. Growing up as a warrior Kili had of course had people close to him die before but he had never felt an agony like this. He was alone. Before he had always had Fili and Thorin to guide him, to show him just how much of his emotions it was appropriate to show and how he should behave. But now, as he stood before the tombs of the King under the Mountain and his would be heir, Kili could only try to cope with the sight of his loved ones names carved upon the now familiar stone.
The noise of the drums died down and soon a silence enveloped Kili. He barely noticed as he stood alone in that crowded hall and stared at the gaping hole that the tombs had created in his life.
A single tear slid down Kili's face but he made no movement to wipe it away. He felt as if he were a small child again, sitting on his mother's lap as Thorin attempted to explain to him why he didn't have a daddy like all his friends. He needed them right now. His uncle and brother. And his mother. Her absence was like a claw around his heart, gripping tighter with every weak and feeble attempt at a beat.
The weight of the mountain seemed to press down on him in that moment and Kili struggled for breath with the effort, feeling as if he was trying to hold up the sky itself from tumbling and crushing him under its agonising might.
Behind him in the all-encompassing silence Kili heard the low tones of someone talking. He didn't even attempt to listen hard enough to decipher who said what as his grief consumed his attention completely. He knew Tauriel had considered joining him at the head of the funeral but had felt that not only would Thorin have abhorred it, that this was something he had to do on his own.
He understood that it was not appropriate for her to take her place beside him, not now, not here, but still he could not help but wish achingly for someone, anyone, to come and be with him. To share his loss and take some of the weight from his shoulders.
They were all here, elves, dwarves, wizards and men of the Lake alike, all present in the halls of Erebor to say one final farewell to Thorin Oakenshield and Fili, son of Vili. As well as to all those other souls who died on the battlefield; countless friends who had made the ultimate sacrifice in an attempt to rid Middle Earth of evil.
They had not succeeded. Kili had heard Gandalf himself say to elves and dwarves alike that Sauron had been behind the organisation of Azog's legions and they had not beaten him yet. Thorin may have outlived his greatest foe but real evil was still present in the world and it hung over Kili like a thick fog, penetrating his lungs with icy tendrils that seemed to spread through his blood and freeze his body, leaving him conscious in an unwilling host.
Kili took deep breaths and tried to ignore the panic threatening to take hold of him. He refused to think of the future, his future without his big brother. He couldn't bear to imagine leaving Fili here in the dark, alone and unprotected, and of returning back home and watching his mother's heart shatter as he told her of Fili's fate… no, he dared not imagine anything beyond this moment.
Kili was so completely alone in his thoughts that he didn't notice at first that Balin had joined him by the tombs and was stood beside him with his hand gripping the young Prince's shoulder. Glancing sideways at the old dwarf Kili could not help but feel comfort and home settle over him and his heart warmed to know that he was not alone in his grief, as long as there were dwarves Fili would be remembered and loved. He would never be alone, even if Kili himself was not there to protect him.
"I can't leave yet Balin. He still needs me."
"He's safe now lad, he doesn't need your protection. He'll be there to keep an eye on you all right though, bet on it." Balin was crying himself, his grip tightening around Kili's shoulder in an attempt to offer what little comfort he could.
"But I can't just leave him. Not alone. He always made sure I was ok, how can I just leave him?"
"Kili…" Tauriel said in a low, husky voice. She was crying too, staring at her lover with her breaking heart etched on her face in clear strokes.
"He needs me." Kili whispered, needing her to understand, her above all others.
"Your rune stone…" She said quietly, taking the stone out of her tunic and returning it to him.
Staring down at the stone that his mother had given him, Kili thought about all the love that had gone into the gift, the protection it had offered him. Smiling, Kili wiped his eyes and approached his brother's tomb, laying the stone beneath his name and resting his hand on top of it.
"It kept me safe, and now it'll do the same to you. Mother would want you to have it; she'd want to know that you're going to be looked after. I know you'll still be around, looking out for me like you always did. We'll go to the halls of our fathers together, like we always planned ok? And don't worry, I'll keep you waiting for a long time yet, good thing you've had so much practice at waiting around for me huh?" Tears were flowing freely now but Kili didn't care, this could be his last chance to talk to his brother like this and he wanted him to know how much he loved him. How much he missed him. But in his heart Kili knew Fili knew all these things; that he was stood behind him smiling proudly at his baby brother like he'd always been.
"Bye Fi…" He whispered, taking a step back and letting his hand fall away from the rune stone and back to his side. His shoulders were shaking violently now and within seconds Bofur was there, his arms wrapped around Kili as they wept together for their fallen kin.
Looking up Kili saw Legolas step forward, bow respectfully and place Orcrist on Thorin's tomb. His face was under an iron mask but Kili thought he saw a glimmer of grief there, as if he regretted the Mountain Kings fate.
Kili walked slowly over to where the rest of the company was gathered and joined them in their remembrance.
"Kili, I don't mean to be inappropriate but at some stage we need to think about when your coronation will be."
"What?" Kili said, looking at Dain with horror. "No, no, I can't be King. I won't be."
"Lad, I know it's hard but…" Dain started, his kind face filled with understanding as he looked at his young cousin.
"No Dain, I don't want the crown. What it's done to this family… this mountain, this gold… it was never my home. Not really. I want to go back to the Iron Hills, to my mother. And then maybe find my own place in the world. But if there's one thing I know it's that I can't stay here. Not now. Not without… without Thorin and Fi."
"Then what is your will laddie? Because we're with you, no matter what." Dwalin said fiercely, looking at his reluctant King with pride.
"I'll abdicate in favour of Dain." Kili said uncertainly, unsure of how those around him would react.
But aside from Dain's shock everyone was nodding, agreeing that they did not want to stay in this place and they did not blame Kili for not wanting to be the King of the tomb of his brother.
"You would of course be welcome in my home, for however long you might wish. For a small price…" Came a smooth, deep voice from behind him.
Kili turned and raised an eyebrow at King Thranduil, who was attempting to smile kindly at the young dwarf but instead looked like a warg attempting to talk its prey lying down and putting itself at his mercy.
"The stones of starlight you seek are no longer mine to bestow upon you King Thranduil, they, like the crown, now belong to Dain. So I will have to thank you for your gracious offer but sadly decline." Kili nodded at Thranduil and walked past him, ignoring the look of barely concealed contempt left of the Elven Kings face.
"Oi, lassie, is that MY AXE?" Gloin yelled, stomping towards some startled male elf with long golden hair that looked to his Prince with a scared expression.
"Give the dwarf back his axe." Legolas said warily, looking more concerned with Kili approaching Tauriel than Gloin's threatening behaviour towards his kinsman.
"Shall we go?" Kili asked Tauriel, offering her his hand without a second thought. They belonged together and it never occurred to Kili, even for a second that Tauriel's feelings in any way differed from his own. And they didn't.
"Are you ready?" Tauriel asked, taking his hand in her own and squeezing it.
"To leave them?" Kili asked, looking back to the large tombs which were now the centre of attention and the room. "No… but to go with you? Yes." He attempted a smile, which he suspected looked more like a grimace, before turning and beginning to lead the others out of Erebor, leaving the tombs in peace.
Just as he reached the grand gates of Erebor Kili heard Bilbo, who until now he had barely noticed as he had stood quietly by Gandalf's side, quietly weeping into the makeshift handkerchief Bofur had given him what seemed so long ago, call out: "Farewell Thorin Oakenshield and brave Prince Fili! May your memory never fade!"
Turning for one last look, Kili whispered, "Farewell brother, uncle, I will see you again."
His heart hammering in time with his every step, Kili turned his back on his homeland, Erebor, for the last time and acknowledged that although his heart may be fractured with the loss of his kin, it was not yet broken. Tauriel had done that. He knew without her he would be dead, with Thorin and Fili. She had given him a chance for life, for a happy life and he dared not waste it.
But more than that, this adventure had taught him the most important lesson of all:
When a wizard comes knocking, pretend you're not in, you never know where he may take you and if you will even come back.