Still off the Key of Reason
Chapter 5: You Laugh and Listen to My Mind
While Trivial Pursuit did not induce as much rage as Monopoly, it had its own share of problems. Like logic-defying, nearly-impossible questions that served to perplex every player. Stump them for minutes on end while they cycled through their archive of useless knowledge.
There was a lot of yelling of "Who the fuck could possibly know that?"
And God help you if you landed on the Literature category.
Rachel's version of the game was ten years old, and a lot of the stuff in it was obsolete. Which just made everything so much more fun. Somebody would land on Geography and get the question wrong because wars had passed since the game cards had been printed.
"How many rings make up the arm on the Michelin man?"
Fucking seriously?
Rachel skipped that question and moved down to the category Santana had landed on. She rolled her eyes at how easy it was.
"What do you fear will stick to the roof of your mouth if you have arachibutyrophobia?" she read aloud. Then she looked expectantly up at Santana and Brittany on the couch.
Rachel would say spiders because of the "arach," but that would just be ridiculous. Or incredibly terrifying and revolting. The only thing she could think of that would stick to the roof of somebody's mouth was peanut butter.
Quinn got on her knees and draped her arms over Rachel's shoulders. They were on the living room floor, lounging around with the animals on Santana and Brittany's last night in Davis. Jelly sat in Rachel's lap pawing at the card in her hand.
Quinn put her chin on Rachel's shoulder and started humming the Jeopardy tune.
Brittany swayed along, smiling and waiting for Santana to answer. "I think it's spiders or butter." She suggested helpfully.
Santana nodded sagely. "I think we're gonna go with peanut butter."
Quinn's humming got more dramatic as the song ended and she swayed Rachel violently from side to side. Rachel locked her body in place like a statue until Quinn gave up and moved to sit by her side instead.
"Peanut butter is correct." Rachel said unenthusiastically, handing over a plastic pie slice.
They only had a few left. Cornelius had eaten half of the mini plastic bag about an hour ago. He was now locked outside because Rachel did not want to see that colored plastic when it came out of him. In whatever form.
"So, Sunny Side," Santana started, throwing the dice in Quinn's direction, "how's married life? Berry's kept us so busy we haven't had time to speak."
Yes, Rachel had made a detailed schedule for Santana and Brittany's three days in California. It was jam packed with glorious fun, and Santana should be thankful. Otherwise, they'd have ended up trapped in the apartment or traipsing through the forest, lost and complaining about the lack of organization.
They'd ended up lost in the forest anyway during a bike ride, but that was because Santana couldn't read a map.
Rachel rolled her eyes and gently pried the die out of Quinn's hands. Quinn couldn't be trusted with them. If she didn't roll immediately, she'd toss them around, or juggle them or flick them with her thumbs. She'd already lost one. Somewhere in the couch cushions. Or in an animal.
Quinn didn't mind. She went right back to her whispered conversation with Charizard. Rachel tapped her cheek and pointed to Santana.
"Oh, um…" Quinn straightened up and looked at Rachel. Rachel raised her eyebrows. Quinn smiled sweetly. Adoringly. "It's like…we're…I don't-I think…"
Quinn stopped herself and scrunched up her face.
Rachel fought the urge to laugh. Hopefully Quinn wasn't trying to say that she despised marriage.
"It's like, you know how-how Pooh Bear said his favorite feeling is-is the one right before he eats a pot of honey?" Quinn asked, gazing earnestly at Santana. Santana met Rachel's eyes, sort of bewildered. Rachel grinned and nodded.
"Yes, we know." Brittany stated seriously.
"Well, I feel-I feel like that." Quinn stated, turning red and dropping her eyes. "Like, I think this day is the best one ever, but then-then I remember that I get to keep her for tomorrow as well. And every day after. Like a pot of honey that's always full."
Oh, man. Rachel never got tired of this. She smiled like a fool. Quinn stared down at her necklace, not meeting Rachel's eyes. She was flushed red. Rachel's face was splitting in half.
Santana was silent for a minute. "Shit, sunshine. That's…" she just shook her head and pulled Brittany into her side.
Rachel scooted herself around until she was cross-legged facing Quinn. She stared at her wife with a more controlled smile, waiting to see if she'd look up. She didn't. Rachel bent forward so that she was squished into herself, making her head low enough to catch Quinn's eyes.
Quinn smiled, darkening even further. "It's your turn to roll, Rachel." She murmured.
Rachel put her hands on Quinn's knees. "What was that?" she asked playfully. "What did you say?"
Quinn rocked forward on her butt, eyes on Rachel's mouth now. "It's our turn to roll the dice."
"No, before that." Rachel stated.
Quinn blinked. "What?"
"What did you say before that?" Rachel iterated with a smile. "About honey."
Quinn rocked back in realization, trying to control her own smile by keeping it close-mouthed. She shrugged and picked some fluff off her socks. "If I was Pooh Bear, you'd be my honey." She responded quietly.
It was statements like that that filled Rachel's heart to the brim. Till it was overflowing and making such a fucking mess that it had to externalize itself through happy tears and foolish smiles and impulsive actions.
Rachel leaned forward on her knees and planted a sloppy kiss on Quinn's mouth. Quinn hummed and grinned and squeezed Rachel's cheeks. It was like she knew exactly what to do to get the best kisses.
"Roll the fucking dice." Santana called out with a smile.
Rachel tried to pull away from Quinn, but Quinn caught her around the waist and plopped her in her lap. Rachel held up the dice in her closed fist for Quinn to kiss for luck.
Rachel rolled a two.
Santana stopped laughing long enough to read the question. "Which plane did Shirley Temple sing about in the 1934 film, Bright Eyes?"
Rachel grinned and bounced on Quinn's lap. Quinn grunted. "The Good Ship Lollipop!" she exclaimed. And then proceeded to sing. Because she was Rachel Berry.
"On the good ship lollipop, it's a sweet trip to a candy shop, where bon-bons play on the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay."
"Alright 50 cent." Santana held her hand up.
"Wait, what?" Quinn interjected loudly, turning Rachel in her lap to see her face. "What is that? A plane? It's not real, right?"
Because Quinn would be its captain.
Rachel laughed and grabbed Quinn's ears, pulling her closer to kiss her forehead. "No, baby. She was on a plane and singing about her pillowcase."
Quinn frowned. She was probably wondering why somebody would sing about their pillowcase. She looked a little disappointed.
Rachel tapped her nose. "Lemonade stands everywhere, crackerjack bands fill the air. And there you are, happy landing on a chocolate bar."
"Oh my God, when you two have a spawn, it will be Shirley Temple." Santana stated, sounding slightly horrified.
Rachel narrowed her eyes in thought. Curly blonde hair. Sweets. Adorable. Singing, dancing, and acting as a child. It could work. She could see her tap-dancing through the room right now.
"Who's that?" Quinn whispered into Rachel's ear. "I've heard of her."
Oh God. Again. Rachel made a mental list of all the Shirley Temple movies she owned.
"I'll show you later, bear." She assured, kissing her cheek.
"Does she look like you?" Quinn asked. "Because I want a baby who looks like you."
Rachel hummed. Who wouldn't? Except Rachel wanted one that looked like Quinn. "Do they do cloning yet? Maybe we could do that?" she joked.
"Oh Jesus Christ." Santana muttered, grabbing Brittany's hand and walking into the kitchen. All of the animals except Charizard followed. He stretched out on his back with his legs in the air and breathed like a lawnmower.
"I don't think I want a clone." Quinn said with a smile.
Rachel narrowed her eyes. "Why not?"
"You're very high maintenance. And weird." Quinn responded seriously, shaking her head. "We'd have eccentric little duplicates of you running around and singing show tunes all day."
Rachel scoffed and slapped the thigh she was sitting on.
"And mean." Quinn added. "You're a mean weirdo."
She squeezed Rachel tighter as she said this. It was hard to take Quinn seriously when she had her nose pressed into Rachel's cheek and a hand stroking Rachel's hair.
"You said I was honey ten minutes ago." Rachel remarked, trying to hide her smile.
Quinn's lips quirked up. "Of course you are."
Rachel poked her in the ribs and chuckled. "I can't be all of those things."
"You can be anything you want." Quinn returned. "And I want our future baby to be everything you are."
And Rachel melted right into a puddle in Quinn's hand. She was like Silly Putty. She was the Play-Doh that Quinn could put through one of those plastic spaghetti-maker machines. Maybe a sloppy cake in an Easy-Bake Oven.
Quinn knew exactly what buttons to press. But she wasn't just playing. Rachel was aware of all the well-intentioned manipulation. The games Quinn played. They'd always end in laughter because Quinn was genuine. All the time.
All she was doing was finding sneaky ways to get Rachel to love on her without Rachel realizing what was happening.
And Rachel had absolutely no problem with that. If she was Play-Doh, Quinn was a teddy bear.
~oooooooooo~
There was something on Rachel's face. She was sure of it. She could feel it. But she was half-asleep, so her first thought was that it was a tarantula. Scorpion. Something evil slithering into her nose. Her eyes flew open and she exhaled sharply when she came face to face with a smiling, unblinking Quinn.
Quinn was just watching her. It was honey blonde hair that was tickling Rachel's face. Rachel sighed in relief and tried to blink the blurriness out of her eyes.
"Finally." Quinn murmured quietly, leaning down and kissing the corner of Rachel's mouth.
Rachel smiled blearily up at her. She reached an arm around Quinn's sleep-warm back and pulled her to lie down. Quinn groaned exaggeratedly and collapsed off of her elbows onto Rachel. She put her head on Rachel's chest to listen to her heart.
"You have to take San and Britt to the airport, little bear." Quinn said quietly, tracing the creases on Rachel's shirt.
Rachel put a hand on the blonde head. "What happened to your pajamas?" she asked sleepily, amused by Quinn's obvious nakedness and ignoring the statement that would force her out of bed. She was sure her wife had been clothed when they'd gone to bed last night.
Quinn hummed and pressed her lips to Rachel's chest. "I got hot."
Rachel patted her head. "So you got naked."
Made perfect sense. Rachel lolled her head to the side to see Quinn's pajamas balled up on the floor. She threw an arm over her eyes to block out the light and kept petting on Quinn's head.
"You have to get up." Quinn whispered, almost apologetically. But her eyes were closed and it didn't seem like she felt like moving off of Rachel any time soon.
Rachel sighed, but stayed put. She could cut out her morning shower and still get her friends to the airport on time.
"Do you want me to go?" Quinn asked, sliding a warm hand under Rachel's shirt and rubbing her belly.
"Mm. I got it bear." Rachel replied thickly. She might have to cut out a stop at the coffee shop, where she was now allowed decaf, and just skip breakfast all together, but she would be punctual. She was Rachel fucking Berry.
And Quinn had work with a vet. Rachel vowed to make it out of bed soon.
Quinn's warm hand was sending shivers up her sides. She removed her arm from over her eyes and tickled the back of Quinn's neck.
"You know…you're perfect-sized." Quinn said, smiling into Rachel's chest.
Rachel chuckled lightly. "Yeah? Not too small?"
Quinn shook her head. "Perfect. I could-I could carry you around with me all day if I wanted. Stick you in my pocket and pull you out to show off."
"Well, you're perfect-sized too, bear." Rachel returned, running her fingers through Quinn's hair.
Quinn was quiet for a moment. Rachel moved her hand from Quinn's neck down to lightly tickle her back instead. "You don't think my head's too big?" Quinn asked quietly.
Rachel laughed abruptly, holding Quinn's head with one hand so that she didn't shake her off. Quinn huffed and lightly slapped Rachel's breast. Because it was the only thing in her line of sight.
"I'm serious." Quinn stated, watching the breast bounce around and struggling to keep a straight face.
Rachel grinned and tugged on her hair. "If your head looks big, it's because your hair is a mess."
"My hair isn't a mess during the day." Quinn said immediately, smiling brightly now because of her wonderful toy.
Rachel could argue that Quinn's hair was always a mess, but she chose not to. She smiled fondly at her wife's antics. "Your head is perfect-sized." She said definitively.
"Not like a watermelon?" Quinn checked, reaching her hand under Rachel's shirt and snaking it up until she could play with the breast directly.
Rachel shook her head. "Perfect. And gorgeous and fluffy and clever."
"Your head's better." Quinn chuckled.
A bizarre image came to Rachel's mind of Quinn's body with Rachel's head affixed to it. She obviously needed to purge that from her memory immediately. And then Quinn's body morphed to Rachel's body and Rachel was horrified by images of having a relationship with herself.
And then she was intrigued. If Rachel Berry and Rachel Berry had a baby, their baby would be perfect.
But not as perfect as Quinn Fabray and Rachel Berry's together.
Jesus Christ. She needed to get out of bed.
"I think I like…your heart too." Quinn murmured, ear pressed to Rachel's chest.
Rachel smiled fondly at her. "Seriously? Just like?"
Quinn laughed and it rumbled in Rachel's chest. "Yes."
Rachel hummed. Whatever you say.
"You have-you have a very nice heartbeat." Quinn continued. "It sounds normal. Maybe a little fast right now."
Quinn twisted her neck and winked at Rachel.
Rachel nodded agreeably. "And you're not just comparing it to the animals you listen to at school?"
Sure, Quinn could say her heart rate was normal, but when normal was forty beats per minute for a horse, Rachel would probably be dying.
Quinn propped her chin on Rachel's chest and grinned toothily. "Nope. Sixty to eighty beats per minutes. No arrhythmia. Tachycardia. My perfect heart."
Rachel eyed Quinn's hair before she was transformed into Play-Doh again. "God. Your head is huge." She commented with a straight face. The hair doubled its size. Maybe tripled.
Quinn's smile dropped. "Stop it." She said, draping the rest of her body over Rachel and grabbing Rachel's cheeks. "Don't be mean."
Rachel feigned ignorance. "What? No, seriously Quinn, how did I never notice how massive your head is? It's like-it's like a planet." Rachel widened her eyes like she was in awe of this Jovian wonder.
Quinn puffed her cheeks out frowned even further, pinching Rachel's cheeks. "Stop it, little bear."
Rachel raised an eyebrow and reached up to pat some of Quinn's hair down. She really wasn't one to talk. Her own hair usually looked like a tumbleweed in the morning. A dark tumbleweed holding a nest of birds.
"Does it have its own gravitational field? Is that where you keep all your cookies?" Rachel asked, unable to hide her smile any longer.
She really needed to get out of the fucking bed.
Quinn growled and dove in to kiss Rachel's neck. She ran her hands up and tickled Rachel's sides until Rachel was laughing so hard that no sound was coming out. Or maybe she was crying. Quinn wasn't tickling lightly, as she usually did. She was in for the kill.
Spit was coming out of somebody's mouth, but Rachel chose to ignore that for the time being.
Quinn had Rachel's shirt halfway over her head when she finally stopped tickling. She tugged it the rest of the way off and looked down at Rachel with a flushed face and shiny eyes. "Yes, lovely little bear. I keep all my cookies in my hair."
Rachel was still shaking with laughter. Quinn snorted and Rachel flicked her in the nose. Then Quinn tore the blankets off of them and watched them flutter to the floor.
She traced her fingers along the hem of Rachel's sleep shorts as she caught her breath. "I love your heart. I don't just like it. It's mine, so I love it."
Rachel nodded breathlessly. She knew that, of course.
Quinn did not look big-headed when she slipped her hand into Rachel's shorts. She looked sweet and flushed and happy as she watched Rachel's eyes flutter closed.
Rachel knew she would be breaking a few laws to get to the airport on time.
~oooooooooo~
Santana caught Rachel's arm right after they'd said their goodbyes, when she was turning away from the security line. Rachel spun around in surprise.
Forgotten boarding pass? Carry-on? Realization that the most important possession in her life had been left on the kitchen table at Rachel and Quinn's apartment?
Rachel raised her eyebrows expectantly.
"We won't see you for…who knows how long." Santana started, holding her gaze. "Which is kind of a blessing, but it'll be months at best."
Rachel just stared at her.
"So I told your little miss Sunny Delight to take care of you." Santana continued, rolling her eyes. "But Quinn's like a duckling getting blown over in the wind, so I'm telling you as well. Take care of each other. We're three thousand miles away, but Britt and I will still come over here and slap the snot out of you if either of you pull any shit while you're stranded out here."
Rachel's mouth dropped open.
"And I will force feed you raw coffee grinds if Quinn tells me you've been drinking it." Santana threatened, poking a finger into Rachel's chest.
Rachel grimaced at the idea.
Santana blinked and coughed like she hadn't meant to say any of that. It was just a tickle in her throat. Maybe some spit went down the wrong way.
Autocorrect.
Brittany came up and gave her a hug from behind, trying to tug her into the line.
"Did you wear your nice underwear for the x-ray machines, San?" she asked brightly.
Santana shut her eyes. Rachel smiled at her when they finally opened, and nodded her head slightly.
"I will." She said quietly. "And don't call my wife a duckling."
Even though the description was accurate. Rachel just didn't want any mental associations with Flappy, who was, unfortunately, still alive and kicking. And attacking and biting and terrorizing Santana and Lord Tubbington the Second.
Rachel returned home to find Quinn sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop and a bowl of untouched Froot Loops and marshmallows in front of her.
"Bear, what are you doing here?" Rachel asked, brushing off the dogs and shoving her way through them until she got to the table. She kissed Quinn's head and then sat next to her.
Quinn was supposed to be out with the vet she'd been shadowing for the summer. Rachel wasn't too worried, but Quinn did look a little unsettled.
"He, um, he called and said he was only doing a dental today so it wouldn't be worth driving all the way out there." Quinn explained.
She wrinkled her nose and scrunched up her face at something on the computer screen, making Rachel laugh. She stood up and moved behind her, draping her arms over her wife's shoulders. She rested her chin on Quinn's head.
Oh, dear God. Quinn was looking up sex toys.
Rachel laughed louder and squeezed her wife's shoulders. "Babe, what are you doing?"
It was very clear what she was doing.
Quinn tilted her head back to look up at her with confused, sweet hazel eyes. "I don't know." She whined pitifully.
"You don't know?" Rachel asked, amused. She looked back at the screen. "So that's not a purple strap-on that you're viewing?"
Quinn's eyes widened. She looked scandalized. She looked back to the screen, and then up at Rachel again. "I don't-I don't…" she shook her head wildly. "I don't know what-what any of it is."
Rachel smiled at her.
"It's very odd." Quinn continued, whispering now like she was conveying a secret. "I feel depraved. Like I've been corrupted."
Rachel snorted. "You haven't been corrupted, babe. By anyone but me. And I think of it as having enlightened you, so…"
Rachel moved around the chair and plopped herself on Quinn's lap. She twisted and handed her wife her cereal to eat, and then took control of the computer. Quinn was munching away while Rachel checked the recently viewed items.
She nodded her head at most of it. Run-of-the-mill stuff. But Quinn was right; some of it was just weird. How did she even find these online? They seemed like they should be illegal. Quinn had probably stumbled her way into a damn black market sex shop.
Her little duckling.
"Were you…looking for anything specific?" Rachel asked with a smile, scrolling through the categories.
"Arghgs." Quinn said around a mouthful of Froot Loops.
Rachel twisted around and raised an eyebrow.
Quinn swallowed. "Toys." She repeated quietly.
"Well…" Rachel said slowly. "I could take you to Toys 'R' Us, but-"
Quinn shook her head, tilting her bowl so the milk was dangerously close to spilling out. "Bedroom toys." She elaborated. Barely. "And I'll dump this down your back if you make me explain further, little bear."
Rachel nodded knowingly. Quinn couldn't narrow it down much further. She was probably looking for something colorful and fun. Hence the purple strap-on. Quinn finished her cereal and started slurping the milk out of the bowl.
She coughed a little and tugged on Rachel's hair. Rachel twisted to find that it had been dipped in milk.
"Ewwwghgh, Quinn…" she complained, even while Quinn dried it with her pajama top.
"Milk hardens when it gets in your hair." Rachel scolded. "Remember when you dumped a bowl on Butter? She had an exoskeleton for a week."
Because she'd rip the eyes out of anybody who tried to bathe her.
Quinn pouted and put her bowl on the table. "I'll help you wash your hair." She muttered.
Rachel's frown vanished and she snorted. "Seriously? You're just trying to get me naked."
Quinn's lips quirked up. Rachel already felt like a rotting mess since she'd skipped her shower that morning. And brushing her teeth, and doing her hair, and putting on matching clothes. The only reason she hadn't been recognized at the airport was because she looked like a hobo.
"Pick one." Rachel said suddenly, gesturing to the items on screen.
Quinn's eyes flickered over and scanned them. She wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist and bounced her up and down like a horse. "I don't-I literally have nothing to go off of for this…decision." She admitted.
Rachel patted the hands on her stomach. "If we don't like it, we'll…"
She was going to say "send it back," but that was a little horrifying.
"Get something else." She said instead.
Quinn nodded slowly. "I liked…"
Rachel turned around when she trailed off. She was flushed red, cheeks puffed out.
"What did you like?" Rachel coaxed.
Quinn pointed at one of the categories on the screen. Rachel clicked on it, and then turned back to Quinn, who pointed at a sub-category.
Rachel grinned. "Do we not speak anymore?" she asked.
Quinn hummed. She pointed to the item she picked.
"No one else is here, bear." Rachel stated, smiling at the purple item that had been on the screen when she'd walked in. "You can say it."
Quinn tickled the small of Rachel's back lightly with her fingers.
"Are you sure?" Rachel twisted around and kissed Quinn's nose. "This is the one?"
Quinn nodded. "It's a nice color." She said sweetly, and then kissed Rachel's mouth. Rachel swiveled back to place the order.
Quinn started picking the dried milk out of her hair. "We should take you through the car wash." She said absently.
Rachel hummed and nodded. "The one with the green foam you like."
"It's on my bucket list." Quinn stated. She patted her hands up along Rachel's back like a drum.
Going through a car wash without a car would be terrifying for Rachel. Or anybody. She'd get sucked into the mechanism or something. Scrubbed and rolled to death. Just to get a little milk out of her hair. But she'd never rule anything out.
"And I can stick my head out the window?" Rachel suggested easily.
Quinn chuckled and nodded.
"And get decapitated?" Rachel continued. She'd seen the Final Destination where the girl almost lost her head to the sunroof while trying to climb out of a car that was rapidly filling with water. That girl had died at the end up the movie.
It was probably not how real life went, though.
"No. Not decapitated." Quinn said, shaking her head. Rachel could feel blonde hair flicking the back of her neck. "You'll smell wonderful. Like green soap."
Rachel filled in her credit card details and tried to concentrate on what Quinn was saying. Quinn was still tugging on her hair, so obviously the milk wasn't coming out.
Quinn dropped her voice. "Did you get it?" she leaned forward, head only high enough so that her eyes could peer over Rachel's shoulder.
"Almost." Rachel answered, filling in the shipping address.
"This will be brilliant." Quinn commented.
Quinn could be talking about sticking Rachel's head out of a vehicle in the car wash or buying a sexual toy online. Or absolutely anything else. Buying some more fish for their tank. Teaching Barnaby how to dance backwards. Making waffles for dinner.
Rachel waited.
"A month of summer left with nothing to do but you." Quinn explained.
Rachel nodded distractedly. And then she realized what Quinn said and laughed loudly. She elbowed Quinn in the stomach without removing her eyes from the screen. Quinn whined. She twisted her arm around Rachel's and pressed the space bar on the laptop like a cat. An annoying cat.
Rachel brushed her away and fixed her zip code. "I agree with you, bear." She said slowly, picking up Quinn's hand to kiss her wrist.
Quinn pressed her lips to the back of Rachel's neck and held them there.
Rachel could already feel herself being turned into spaghetti. She pressed "complete order" just as Quinn ran a hand up the back of her shirt, scratching with her nails. Rachel tilted back into her. She could see Quinn's smile.
"Let me wash the milk out of your hair." Quinn whispered, eyes sparkling.
The hair on Rachel's neck stood up and goosebumps ran down her arms. She turned her head and pushed her nose into Quinn's cheek. She was Play-Doh, and she was proud.