Still off the Key of Reason
Chapter 9: If You Want, I Want Too
Quinn ate her lunch at a sunny picnic table in the courtyard outside the lecture hall, stacking her chocolate Teddy Grahams and wondering how acrobatic real bears could be. She knew they could do somersaults, but swinging from the trapeze seemed a little extreme. But it was something Quinn would like to see.
She and Rachel put holes through the wall whenever they tried gymnastics. It was usually an impulsive expression of joy that resulted in some sort of ill-timed cartwheel into a solid mass, like the television.
Thinking about it made Quinn smile. Her wife was not an acrobat.
Quinn checked her phone and found that she still had twenty minutes before class resumed. She balled up her Fruit-by-the-Foot and stuck it in her mouth, scrunching up her face when the Teddy Graham tower collapsed into her textbook on the page about large animal anesthesia.
She couldn't wait to anesthetize a bear.
And give it a hug when no one was looking.
Quinn jumped slightly when someone slid into the bench on the other side of the picnic table. She'd thought she was alone. Everybody else usually got lunch from campus dining or various fast food establishments. Quinn liked to enjoy her peanut butter sandwich in peace.
Kelly stared at her, one eyebrow hitched, looking entirely unimpressed with Quinn's lunch. Quinn raised her own eyebrow challengingly. She knew she did it better than Kelly. Better than most people, actually. Except not this time because she had her cheeks full of Fruit-by-the-Foot.
Kelly just smirked and leaned forward over the table, putting a hand on Quinn's wrist. Quinn sighed internally. She'd just wanted another twenty minutes of quiet.
"So, my brother invited me to his wedding," Kelly started, plucking a Teddy Graham out of Quinn's book. Quinn narrowed her eyes. "But, like, I dunno if he actually wants me there, or if it's just for show, you know? Do you think he's forgiven me for the whole 'I hate your weirdo fiancé' thing?"
Quinn managed to swallow her Fruit-by-the-Foot ball. She blinked at Kelly. Even if Quinn cared, she wouldn't know what Kelly's brother was thinking.
"Why don't-why don't you ask him?" she suggested quietly, scooping her Teddy Grahams back into the bag before Kelly could get any more.
Kelly rolled her eyes. Quinn noticed they were too small for her face. She liked big eyes. Big, brown, lovely eyes.
"I can't ask him." Kelly stated like it was a ridiculous idea, tapping a finger against Quinn's wrist. "He'll think I don't trust him. Maybe I could get his friends to ask him for me. Do you think they'd do that? I don't want them to think they're betraying his trust. I mean, like, I like them all, and everything, you know?"
Quinn could not find the words to describe how little she cared for this conversation, not that she would have voiced them anyway. She'd care if it was about something that mattered, or if Kelly would be straightforward for once.
Quinn did not like deciphering this kind of talk. It was annoying. If you were unsure what somebody was thinking, ask them. Why did people have to complicate things? Speculation was a waste of her damn time. She ran her fingers around the knots in the picnic table and bounced her toes against the grass.
"I have Asperger's." she blurted when she saw Kelly gearing up to talk some more. Then she shook her head around because she hadn't meant to say it like that. So suddenly. Kelly was staring at her with raised eyebrows. She'd finally let go of Quinn's wrist.
"I…thought you should know." Quinn continued quietly, eyeing the crumbs in the crease of her book. She wasn't ashamed, but she'd never told anybody except Rachel and Sam, and her other friends had just sort of figured it out. She didn't know what to expect. Quinn needed to know how to prepare for things.
"Well, that's…" Kelly trailed off and hummed.
Quinn watched her lips warily.
"I mean, it explains a lot." Kelly finally said with a short laugh. Quinn frowned. "Kind of. I mean, I thought people with that acted like…robots, you know? Like, really unemotional. But I guess…you're really quiet."
Quinn tapped her hands against the edge of the table, brow furrowed in concentration. Or confusion. She didn't know what to say.
"But, I've never seen you, like, throw a tantrum." Kelly continued, eyeing Quinn curiously.
Quinn's mouth dropped open to answer, but nothing came out. Where was this girl getting her information? She rocked uncomfortably sideways on the beach.
"I don't…" Quinn blinked a few times to focus her thoughts. "Where-where did you hear that? That's not…"
Kelly shrugged and smiled brightly. She lifted a hand like she was going to grab Quinn's, but noticed they were both under the table. She set her own back down awkwardly.
"Well, whatever." Kelly proclaimed, checking the time on her phone. I guess I'll learn from you. Now, about the wedding, if I do go I'll need a date. Will you come as my friend?"
Quinn blinked, completely lost. This whole conversation had thrown her sideways. She'd be off for the rest of the day, or until she saw an animal or Rachel to set her right. She smoothed her hands over her dress repeatedly and shook her head.
"No, thank you." Quinn said quietly. "Could-could you please leave me alone during lunch? And…maybe class too?" she asked uncertainly. It seemed like the only option left. A direct approach. "I just need more-more quiet than other people, or my mind gets really…wound up."
Kelly stared at Quinn for a moment. Quinn hoped she was relating this back to Asperger's. This conversation had been wholly useless so far. Then Kelly raised her eyebrows and nodded slowly, smiling slightly. Quinn got that look a lot. It was a sort of "back away from the crazy person" look. She waited until Kelly had said goodbye and walked away to finish off her Teddy Grahams.
~oooooooooo~
After class, Quinn drove over to the drama buildings to settle her head and say hello to her wife. Rachel had a late class that day, and Quinn walked quietly through the open doors of one of the studios to see her standing in front of about twenty kids in varying states of exhaustion.
Rachel did not look exhausted. She had her wild eyes, and Quinn sat cross-legged on the floor against one of the walls to watch.
Rachel removed one of her hands from her hip and flung it around in the air, obviously huffing and puffing about something the students were doing wrong. Or something they were doing right. Or what she'd had for breakfast.
Quinn's wife was a very intense person.
"So when you fall off the stage and land in the orchestra, don't come crying to me when they give your lead away!" Rachel proclaimed in a raised voice.
Quinn smiled at the hand gestures she incorporated. She loved watching Rachel in her element. Her little bear was totally in charge. The professor was nowhere in sight.
Quinn wondered what she'd done with him.
She watched the students hurry back to their spots, either starstruck or minutes from collapsing. Or both. Rachel turned the music back on. It was "Greased Lightning," and Quinn's toes started tapping immediately.
"Okay, Jack, more intense hip movement." Rachel called out. Quinn smiled to herself.
Rachel crossed her arms and focused completely on everybody's steps. She must have noticed something, because she huffed and stepped forward, shaking her head exasperatedly.
"Guys, GUYS!" she called, stopping the music again. "Smile! Loosen up! Think…Disco Elvis, okay? And stop looking at the damn floor! I am telling you, you will end up in the pit with a saxophone up your ass if you don't listen to me!"
Quinn scrunched up her nose and laughed. Rachel's lips quirked up at the chuckles she received from her students. She twirled on her heel to go back to the front of the studio and did a double-take when she caught Quinn out of the corner of her eye. She stumbled, wide-eyed. Quinn flushed when all faces turned to her.
"Hey! Everybody," Rachel said loudly, commanding their attention again and winking at Quinn, "this is my lovely wife, Quinn." Rachel flashed Quinn one of her little foolish smiles and then turned back and glared good-naturedly at her students. "Now run through the number one more time, and then you're free. And if I see any of you watching the floor, I will duct tape your face to it so that you can't even see Broadway."
Quinn could see that happening. She nodded slightly at the half-terrified, half-amused looks she got. Yeah. You better listen to little bear. Then Rachel skipped over and Quinn stood up to greet her. She grunted at the ache in her knees.
"Getting old, baby?" Rachel joked, leaning up into Quinn to give her a kiss.
Quinn hummed. Rachel was covered in a light sheen of sweat, and Quinn smoothed back some flyaway dark hair before wiping her hand on her dress.
"You're gross." She complained lightly, lips quirked up.
Rachel pouted and rubbed her face into Quinn's shoulder. Quinn groaned exaggeratedly and shoved her away. Rachel kept coming back. She wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist and refused to let go.
"How was class?" she asked with an innocent smile.
"You're a koala." Quinn returned, trying to pry Rachel off of her just to see if it was possible.
Rachel sighed and shook her head. "Bear. The word is bear."
Quinn was laughing on the inside. She loved when Rachel played with her. She needed games on a daily basis.
"Maybe a leech." Quinn pondered out loud. Rachel gasped, but didn't let go. Quinn brushed more dark hair off her face. "Symbiotic, though. You can be the bird that picks bugs off of cows."
Rachel scrunched up her nose. She tapped her finger against Quinn's chest. "That makes you the cow."
Quinn shrugged. She loved cows. She could be a cow. She could be a big, black and white cow, and Rachel would be the tiny bird sitting on her back in the field. She smiled just picturing it. Quinn would make that happen someday.
"Really, though, class was good?" Rachel asked, playing with the light straps of Quinn's dress.
Quinn was thinking about whether she'd rather be a red cow or a black and white one. She'd look like Charizard if she went with red. The dog and the Pokémon. And she was pretty sure red heifers were used as ritual sacrifices in the Hebrew Bible. But that probably shouldn't affect her decision.
Maybe a white cow, like the English kind. She could go live in the hills and be herded by Seal. And Rachel could be the little brown bird on her shoulder.
Quinn blinked when Rachel tweaked her nose.
Rachel looked amused. "Class?" she asked simply.
Quinn hummed. The music stopped and people started gathering themselves together to leave the studio. "I told her." Quinn stated.
Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Kelly? So she's going to leave you in peace?"
Quinn frowned. She didn't know what was going to happen. Quinn had enough trouble keeping track of her own words without Kelly's roundabout, useless nonsense in her mind as well. She didn't need vague tilts of the head or odd expressions. What the hell did that accomplish? She needed a damn statement. With no words lost along the way.
Rachel tapped the lip Quinn was chewing. "She didn't say anything?" she guessed.
Quinn sighed. "She said…it explained a lot. And she expected tantrums and robots. She took some-some of my Teddy Grahams, told me about her brother, and then asked me to a wedding."
Rachel narrowed her eyes up at Quinn's face. "Excuse me?"
Quinn puffed out her cheeks. Rachel pressed her lips together to fight a smile.
"She asked you to a wedding?"
"I think so. As a friend." Quinn mused. "And I said no. And then I told her."
Rachel watched her for a second. She put a hand behind Quinn's head and tickled the back of her neck. "So, she really doesn't understand Asperger's."
Quinn shook her head slowly. Either that, or Kelly just didn't care. Quinn wouldn't be surprised either way. But as long as Quinn was left alone, for the most part, she'd be happy. Even if it was for the wrong reasons. Quinn caught Rachel's look and knew exactly what she was thinking.
Rachel liked to make people understand things. She'd work everything out in her head, and then put it on charts and graphs and lists to present it clearly to other people. Quinn narrowed her eyes at her wife. She didn't need Rachel making a PowerPoint presentation to her vet school class.
"She…nodded when I asked her to leave me alone." Quinn added.
State the facts. That's all Quinn could do.
She wondered what would happen if she crossed a red cow with a black and white one. It would be like a Dalmatian with a golden retriever. Her eyes widened. Rachel poked her in the ribs.
"Bear." She chided laughingly.
Quinn bounced on her toes. Rachel grabbed her elbows to steady her.
"Did you have a good day, baby?" Quinn asked, changing the subject. Rachel eyed her, letting her know they'd be coming back to it later.
Rachel nodded. "It was a good day."
"Lots of disco Elvis." Quinn stated sagely.
Rachel laughed. "Exactly."
Quinn kissed the corner of her mouth while it was still open. She grabbed Rachel's stuff and put an arm around her to escort her to the car. Rachel was sitting in the passenger seat when she turned to Quinn with a knowing smile.
"So, have you decided what breed of cow you'd be?"
Quinn smiled as brightly as ever. She would be delighted to have this discussion out loud.
~oooooooooo~
"Red or blue?" Rachel asked, stepping out of the closet wearing only her underwear and holding up two dresses.
Quinn perked up from her place on the bed between Char and Cloud. She shamelessly eyed her wife's body, one arm around each of her dogs. They looked on as well because they knew the closet was where socks were born.
"And if I wear red, you can't wear green." Rachel added. "We'll look like Christmas."
She clanged the hangers together, smirking when Quinn finally looked at her face. Quinn just smiled and let her eyes drop again. Lovely, lovely legs. Lovely tummy. Lovely woman.
"I like what you're wearing now." She remarked. "But I love the blue dress on you. You look like Neptune."
Rachel's mouth dropped open and her eyes widened. "The planet?" she asked incredulously.
Quinn's arms circled the dogs tighter, pressing their faces against her cheeks. She went slightly wide-eyed as she realized what came out of her mouth. "It's the most beautiful planet." She hurriedly defended. "And, I mean, the color matches the dress. That's what I meant."
Rachel stared at her.
"It's blue because of methane." Quinn felt the need to add, rubbing both dogs' backs so that their feet thumped against the bed. "And stormy too, which makes it even more beautiful. It has Great Dark Spots, like the Great Red one on Jupiter. So…I like the blue."
Rachel's lips quirked up. "On the planet?"
Quinn nodded silently. Rachel plucked the dress off the hanger and shimmied it over her head, getting it stuck at her shoulders. Quinn bounced off the bed to help, giving the "stay" sign to the dogs. She expected absolutely nothing from them.
"Hold still." She instructed, gently pulling on the hem of the dress. Rachel whined from inside and Quinn tickled her belly to get her to stop squirming. She smiled at Rachel's muffled laughter. Rachel was panting when Quinn finally pulled the dress down and zipped up the back.
Quinn patted her dark hair down and palmed her flushed cheeks, kissing her forehead. "You look beautiful, baby."
Rachel flushed further. It was only dinner and a movie, a weekly date that they always tried to work in, but Rachel would take any excuse to dress up. Quinn was not complaining. She bounded back onto the bed between the dogs, surprised that they'd stayed put. She congratulated them by rubbing Char's nose and Cloud's tummy.
Rachel came out of the closet to find Quinn talking to the dogs, and she leaned against the wall for a minute to watch them.
Quinn looked up when Rachel hummed slightly.
"Bear…Have you heard of Autism Speaks?" Rachel asked carefully.
Quinn should've known it would only take a day for Rachel to come up with some kind of plan. Put her mind to work. Take action. She was Rachel Berry. Quinn smiled and nodded. She wasn't completely informed about the organization, but she'd heard of them.
Char made a garbled noise because he'd rolled over and was having trouble breathing, and Quinn set him right before looking back at Rachel.
"I talked to Tina about it." Rachel continued, picking up speed. "She thinks getting involved with them would provide the perfect opportunity to get my name out there during my little…break, while working with a cause that I'm passionate about."
Quinn nodded slowly. She rocked sideways a couple times so her shoulders knocked into the dogs.
"And you're…passionate about Autism Speaks?" Quinn checked. This was the first she'd heard of it. Rachel had done a select few things for the ASPCA and PETA and St. Jude's, but that was the extent of her "charity work."
Quinn knew Rachel would save the world if she could. But she was only a little bear.
"I know they're not…the perfect organization. And many people don't approve. But spreading awareness about these disorders is my goal, and I can do that with them, if only temporarily." Rachel said clearly. She grew more determined as she presented her idea to Quinn, now standing in front of her with a hand on Char's head. Quinn looked up at her, listening intently.
"They do these walks all over the country to raise awareness. I'm not saying I'd jump right in, but we could…research it some more." Rachel waved an arm through the air while her other hand rubbed Char's head absently. "Celine Dion is an advocate! Also, Tina Fey, Zach Quinto, Conan O'Brien..."
Rachel trailed off and looked down at Quinn with bright, expectant eyes.
Quinn hugged her dogs closer. "You-you found all this out in a day?"
Rachel nodded vigorously. Quinn smiled.
"I think…I mean, I don't have a lot of experience with other autism spectrum disorders, but I want to learn." Rachel said quietly, now with a hand on Cloud's head as well. She leaned over a little so that she was eye level with Quinn. "And I'll make sure everybody who looks up to me or follows me learns as well."
Quinn just kept nodding. She wouldn't say anything yet because Rachel was on a roll. And Rachel had her trapped. Triangulated between her and the dogs.
"There's a whole community of people out there with so much to offer." Rachel enthused. "Full of love and joy and sweet hearts like you, and…I don't know. They're misunderstood by people like Kelly. So I want to change that."
Rachel grinned and moved her hands from the dogs' heads to Quinn's ears. "You're a little crazy Quinn, but the world would be a better place if everybody knew somebody like you."
Quinn flushed and looked down at her lap. Rachel always knew exactly what to say to make her heart jump around and her face turn pink.
"Don't make me famous." She murmured.
Rachel chuckled. She tried to kneel down to catch Quinn's eye but failed in her Neptune dress. She tugged on Quinn's ears instead.
"Nobody has to know you have Asperger's if you don't want them to. Autism Speaks is a respectable organization, and nobody would question my involvement." Rachel assured.
Quinn looked up and into warm, brown eyes. "It is a good way to get your name out there."
Rachel nodded, waiting patiently.
"And…" Quinn rocked into the dogs' shoulders again. "And-and it would just make you even more perfect. Even though you called me crazy. I love that you chose them."
Rachel pressed her lips together in a smile and shrugged. "I love you."
"You're crazier than me." Quinn said, eyeing Rachel like she was a stranger leaning into her space. "But I love you so much. And we're taking Barnesy and Seal and Cloud and Char on all the charity walks. And you can be their ringleader."
Rachel was obviously balancing her joy over Quinn approving her plan with her horror at the prospect of leading their dogs through more 5Ks. Quinn could tell by her facial expression. She finally let go of Cloud and Char to kiss Rachel lightly on the lips. She nibbled on her lower lip as she pulled away, tapped Rachel's cheek, and went to change into her own dress.
Rachel took her spot on the bed, bouncing her knees in excitement over the new project she had acquired.
~oooooooooo~
Quinn sat in the comfy movie theater seat holding Rachel's drink, popcorn, candy, pretzel, and napkins. Rachel struggled to pull the arm rest down, and when it finally moved, Rachel jolted herself forward with a small yelp. Quinn waited patiently, eyes fixed longingly on her own box of Junior Mints.
"Got it?" Quinn asked a little sarcastically, eyes smiling.
Rachel coughed and straightened back up and settled in her seat. "Yes, thank you."
She took the mountain of food from Quinn's arms and glanced around the mostly empty theater. Quinn could only see one other couple, and they were sitting in the second row. Rachel spotted them and then turned back to look at Quinn, eyeing her mischievously.
Quinn hummed, using her tongue to scrape Junior Mint off her teeth.
Rachel's eyes dropped to her mouth. "We're the only ones in here, bear." She whispered.
Quinn nodded slowly. She could see where Rachel was going with this, but she wanted to try something first. She took two Junior Mints and held them up in front of her eyes, staring at Rachel seriously.
"So we can play games, right?" she asked, face blank. "Because there's nobody to disturb."
Rachel laughed and sighed sort of hopelessly and shoved her shoulder, leaning back in her own seat. Quinn twisted around so that her face was right in front of Rachel's. She wiggled the Junior Mints between her fingers. "Because look, now my eyes match yours."
Rachel snorted and Quinn smiled and pitched forward to capture her lips.
"I'm kidding." Quinn said when she pulled back, putting the chocolate in her mouth. "Your eyes are one of a kind."
They could never be re-created in a million years. Or until a beautiful baby girl came along. And especially not by Junior Mints.
Quinn would like to build a person out of movie theater candy one day. She could use Red Vines for their limbs and Milk Duds for anything that had to be absolutely indestructible or unbelievably sticky. Add in some Buncha Crunch and Sour Patch Kids for a variety of textures, and then glue it all together with the cream inside Junior Mints. It would fabulous. She probably couldn't make it life-size, just because who the hell had that much candy?
Quinn whipped her head around when Rachel tapped her cheek. Rachel was staring at her, smiling slightly. "What are you thinking?" she whispered.
Quinn shook her head. She'd pinned her hair back, so she was unnerved when it didn't flop around her face like usual. "I want to construct something out of movie theater candy."
Rachel's smile grew bigger. "A person?"
Exactly. Quinn didn't even need to explain herself.
"With Red Vines for arms?" Rachel continued.
Quinn just grinned at her. Rachel tilted sideways and leaned her head on Quinn's shoulder. Quinn wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. She sighed contentedly and reveled in the silence for a few minutes.
"I can't wait to watch you save the world." She whispered after a while.
Rachel rested a hand on Quinn's thigh and squeezed it through the dress. "I won't be saving the world." She scoffed lightly.
Quinn shook her head. Even if somebody helped one person at a time, or only one person their whole life, it was still saving the world. Everybody mattered. You didn't have to stop an asteroid from colliding with the earth to be a superhero.
Rachel was watching her intently.
"What is it? Do you have questions?" Rachel asked abruptly, tapping her fingers on Quinn's leg. Quinn blinked. "About earlier, I mean. What are you thinking?"
Quinn nodded immediately. She had lots of questions. Lots of things to say. She occasionally wondered why orange Tic-Tacs were still called mints. They were essentially candy. And what had they put in the mouth of the horse who played Mr. Ed to make it look like he was talking? Peanut butter?
Quinn would try that with the dogs when she got home.
"I'm just really proud of you." She said simply. "For your-your dance class and your students and how much you want to help people. You could be on Broadway right now, but you're…here. Doing all this."
Rachel just pushed her nose into Quinn's neck and squeezed her thigh again, humming lightly. "Because I know when I'm back on Broadway, you'll be sitting in the front row and sending me flowers every night."
Well that was the truth.
Quinn groaned jokingly. "Every night?"
Rachel chuckled. "Yes. It's your job."
Quinn smiled. She knew what she'd signed up for. The previews finished and the theater went dark, and Quinn put her own hand on Rachel's thigh and twisted around to kiss her. Rachel laughed. She obliged the kiss, but then squirmed away with a hand on Quinn's cheek.
"Bear. We have to watch the movie." She whispered.
Quinn shook her head and puffed out her cheeks and tilted forward to nuzzle Rachel's neck. She always smelled like flowers. Quinn pictured Bambi and berries and small woodland creatures. "No we don't." she murmured.
Rachel's breath hitched. "Yes. Yes we do."
Quinn's hand traced the hem of Rachel's dress, watching her wife challengingly. Rachel raised an eyebrow. Quinn's hand moved up her leg, tickling the soft skin. But she stopped about mid-thigh, tracing circles with her finger. Rachel's eyebrow dropped and she smiled softly.
"This is my job too." Quinn whispered. "But…later."
Rachel kissed Quinn's shoulder.
Quinn pulled her back into her side, dumped the box of Junior Mints in the popcorn, and settled down to enjoy the movie. She briefly wondered where popcorn could fit on her child made of candy.