"You asked how I find
the instinct to fly.
I had a dog
a girl named Tamara
who lived with me
after the captain had died
she was a stray
who followed me home from
the ship repair yards
at Riverside.
She wasn't a beauty
she wasn't that agile
she didn't do tricks
she didn't really like
anyone else
to come near and touch her
she'd bristle her hackles
then suddenly bite.
Everyone told me
a dog that unfriendly
is dangerous, hazardous
should be euthanized
I have no idea
why I decided to keep her
but she chose me
I couldn't leave her if I'd tried.
Every day
I'd wake up, go running
she kept pace with me
then we'd go for a ride
speeding across
flat country highways
to the site
of the Enterprise
I'd check in with the captain
get warp notes from Scotty
inspect shuttles with Carol
check up on supplies
collab on navs with Pavel
figure panels with Keenser
conference with 0718
work auxiliary with Madeleine
and in all this
she stayed by my side.
Everyone learned
to give her wide berth
get used to her presence
respect her fierce pride
she was cool and aloof
distant to friends and strangers
except Nyota, Bones, Christine
Darwin, and Madeleine.
After work I'd go back
with her to the apartment
we'd go walk to the river
and then she and I
would swim
chase the squirrels
dig up moles
watch the beetles
do anything
everything
except
to go fly.
Since the events of the Vengeance
I didn't touch flightcraft
since our falling through atmo
I never once tried
to keep current on training
clock hours for simming
practice anti-G straining
or work out- I lied
I just couldn't do it
I'd get claustrophobic
throw up and panic
didn't matter what exercise
I think if I didn't
have Tamara beside me
it'd be so much worse
like losing my life.
But she was there
I'd wake up to her licking
my face when my nightmares
blew up in my mind
she was there, sitting calm
when I sweated while driving
she'd look at me, trusting
when I'd pull off to the side.
The pieces came back
they came back really slowly
no one mentioned it, worried
they said I'm such a zen guy
keeping my cool
in all of our crises
keeping my calm
in the aftermath's tide
I'm Sulu
I'm steady
that's true of all pilots
you can't fly a ship
without discipline designed
to immediate response
to all captain's orders
and immediate reaction
to the situation's timeline.
Tamara, she knew me
she kept my convictions
she slept right beside me
a brief year
until the day that she died
she left me as suddenly
as when she had found me
and that night I broke down
and that night I cried.
That morning I woke up
went to our shared river
buried her under
our beloved willow hide
That day I went
straight to the shuttles
launched into air
through atmo to fly
back up to space
and when I descended
I stared at our planet
Pale Blue Dotted fly.
She lived there, Tamara
she lived without telling
me her whole story
though I told her mine
She lived there and I will
always be humbled
grateful and wonder
why she chose to spend time
with a human so wingtorn
tired but functional
drained of the smaller
pleasures of life
She lived, and gave me
my life by being
all that she was
without compromise.
She lived.
That is how I fly."