AN: Beginning of this is a bit awkward.
Still off the Key of Reason
Chapter 19: And Our World Turned
As it turned out, turkey basters weren't the recommended hardware for at-home insemination.
Rachel was mildly disappointed when the doctor informed her of this fact. Sure, she was glad she wouldn't have to buy a new one for Thanksgiving, but using the clinical, numbered needle-less syringe seemed far more awkward and a lot less fun.
But then Rachel realized she and Quinn would be in the middle of a "sexual activity" when they "did the deed," as Quinn liked to say, and it was almost guaranteed to be pleasurable. And they weren't just gallivanting around with basters and syringes; they were making a baby.
Hopefully.
Which is why Quinn was lying on the bed with a pillow under her hips and Rachel hovering over her body, rocking slowly and surely and watching Quinn's flushed face to make sure her wife wasn't there yet.
That wasn't supposed to happen until after Rachel "did the deed."
"Are you sure it's properly thawed?" Rachel murmured, glancing at the syringe on the side table and then back at Quinn's dark eyes.
Quinn groaned lowly and arched up into Rachel's front, whining for more contact.
"I mean, how are we supposed to tell?" Rachel muttered. "What if it's not ready, or frozen in the middle like-"
Quinn laughed shortly. "Babe, it's not a steak." She stated breathlessly. "We-we followed the instructions perfectly."
Rachel nodded, still skeptical that she she'd be shooting a vial of ice up into her wife's privates.
She looked down to where her fingers were working on Quinn, trying to gauge how much time she had left, and then she dropped her head to kiss along Quinn's neck and shoulders, delighting in the little sounds she was receiving.
"Rachel." Quinn moaned, taking Rachel's free hand in one of her own and placing it firmly over her boob.
Rachel chuckled lowly and squeezed, and then replaced her hand with her mouth. Quinn reacted like she'd been shocked.
"You should-you should do it now." Quinn stuttered a minute later, palming Rachel's cheek to get her attention.
Rachel stopped all movement and hovered over Quinn on her elbows, trying to catch her breath. "Yeah? You're close?"
Quinn just hummed.
Rachel crawled carefully over Quinn and rolled off the bed on shaky legs. Quinn reached out and lightly slapped her butt, and Rachel whirled around and glared playfully at her wife's bright eyes and heaving chest.
"It feels like we should be recording this for posterity." Quinn remarked breathlessly, watching Rachel prepare the syringe.
Rachel grimaced. That's exactly what she needed. A video floating around on the internet of her impregnating her wife.
"We'll have it in our heads." She assured, smiling at Quinn's chuckle.
"And, if it works, in our hearts and arms and nursery as well." Quinn added.
Rachel climbed back onto the bed and adjusted the pillow under Quinn's hips before kneeling between her legs. She kissed both of Quinn's knees, and then sprawled over her body to kiss her lips and forehead and cheeks.
She finished with Quinn's nose, and Quinn scrunched it up and eyed her adoringly. "I love you, Rachel."
Rachel grinned. "Love you too, baby."
Quinn bucked her hips when Rachel didn't move. "Now please, let's get on with this."
"You just want to get off." Rachel laughed softly.
Quinn half-smiled, but shook her head seriously. "I want to make a baby."
Rachel studied her fondly and brushed the blonde hair off her forehead, and then kissed her once more and moved back between her legs. Quinn reached out and Rachel held her hand and kissed her thighs and her stomach and her abdomen while she worked with the syringe.
It went in easily, and Rachel kept eye contact with Quinn, making sure everything felt okay and not like a rush of ice being pushed into her, and Quinn just kept nodding, until the syringe was empty and Rachel withdrew it and set it on the bed by her feet.
Quinn tugged on her hand until Rachel crawled up her body and lay lightly on top of her, and Quinn wrapped her up in a hug and kissed her hair.
Rachel chuckled into her chest. Her heart was warm and hammering and excited, and she kind of felt like they'd just jumped out of a plane, but they weren't finished yet.
"Bear, you need to have-"
"I know." Quinn interrupted quietly, shifting Rachel so that her thigh landed lightly between Quinn's legs. "Just…like this."
Rachel nodded. She moved slowly, and then quickly, keeping eye contact the whole time, and Quinn was smiling when they both started crying and fell together into a warm, exhausted pile. Quinn pressed her lips to Rachel's, too tired to actually do anything, so they lay there, stuck together like those toy bears with magnetic noses.
"What if it doesn't work?" Rachel whispered once her temperature had dropped and her breathing was back to normal.
Quinn shifted a bit and tapped her nose. "Then we'll try again, babe."
Rachel worried her lip between her teeth.
"Like lions, Rachel, as many times as we need." Quinn continued. "Not, you know, fifty times a day like lions, but-"
Rachel snorted a laugh and flicked Quinn's chest.
Quinn grinned. "But, maybe we'll try it at the doctor's next time, if this doesn't work, and we'll keep trying until we have a little baby, okay?"
Rachel watched her honest hazel eyes and then nodded and sighed contentedly. They lay quietly for a minute, and Rachel pressed her ear against Quinn's chest and listened to her heartbeat.
"How long did they say you have to stay in this position?" she asked softly.
"Half an hour."
Rachel hummed. "And it wouldn't be beneficial to stay like this for longer than that?"
Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Rachel, I'm not lying like this for the rest of the day."
Rachel tugged on her hair. "Not the whole day, just-"
"I'll cuddle with you all day, little bear, but not elevated, naked, and spread like I'm in a clinic." Quinn pressed her nose into Rachel's cheek and rubbed.
Rachel had to smile. "You'll cuddle with me all day?"
"Of course."
Rachel nodded to herself. "Okay. That's okay, then."
"Don't fret your pretty little head." Quinn murmured, playfully prodding one of Rachel's boobs.
Forty minutes later, Quinn sat up, and then stood up, and Rachel pushed her ridiculous thoughts, like "What if it all comes rushing back out?" to the back of her mind, because she was not an imbecile. She was just worried.
But Quinn was well, and it was Sunday afternoon, so they baked peanut butter cookies and danced to the Grease soundtrack and walked the dogs in the park, and Rachel hoped that maybe, possibly, they had made a baby today.
~oooooooooooo~
A week later, George stopped eating his food.
Quinn sat on the floor with him for two hours, sticking her fingers into the can of meat and whispering to him and trying to get him to eat, but he refused everything after one lick. He eyed Quinn disdainfully, and Rachel would've laughed if it wasn't so sad.
He wouldn't get up and he wouldn't eat, and his green eyes had turned yellow, so Quinn came home from work the next day with a high dose of Pentobarbital and directions to Blaine's parents' house in New Jersey.
Rachel held the fluffy gray cat, snuggled up close to her chest, and Quinn gave the injection, steady and stoic because it was the only thing that could be done. Rachel hummed under her breath and dragged her fingers through George's fur.
"I guess…he'll meet Pongo, right?" Quinn murmured, a little desperately, resting a hand over Rachel's on George's head.
Rachel half-smiled. Her own eyes were watery, but Quinn's were completely dry. "Definitely." She nodded. "Wherever he goes, he'll climb all the curtains and knock over all the lamps, and it'll be just like home, baby."
Quinn sighed and bit her cheek, and she hummed with Rachel and played with George's paws for several minutes. Rachel squeezed her hand when George's chest stopped rising and falling, and Butter sat several feet away on the coffee table, watching them intently with her odd-colored eyes.
"She'll miss him." Quinn whispered, and Rachel nodded, because she never wanted to find out what it was like to lose a best friend.
The drive to Blaine's parents' house in New Jersey was peaceful, and Quinn tapped her feet to the radio, and Rachel watched the clouds, remembering the last time they'd made this journey.
They were met by Brittany, Puck, and Santana, and found that Mr. Anderson and Blaine and Kurt had already dug a hole, under the trees and next to the rock marked "Po."
"Would you like to say something, Brittany?" Rachel asked, leaning into Quinn and realizing that her wife was going to stay quiet.
Brittany straightened up immediately and cleared her throat. She handed her sunglasses to Santana and looked around at their friends.
"The first time I saw Georgie, he was in a cage at the open house of an animal rescue where Quinn used to work, and I thought he was a koala."
Quinn's lips quirked up.
"He was a fatty, like Lord Tubbington, but George shrunk the more I got to know him. It was like magic, and he turned normal size, and then spent all his time hanging upside down from the curtain rods like a circus performer."
Rachel chuckled at that, and turned her head up to see that Quinn was smiling fully, eyes a little misty.
Brittany winked at them. "I think if Rachel and Quinn had taken him to the circus, they would've let him join." She mused. "I know Quinn says the circus is awful, but maybe George can be the acrobat he's always dreamed of being in Heaven."
Santana laughed and nudged her girlfriend in the ribs, and Puck stepped forward, smiling slightly, and settled George and his fleecy green blanket in the neat little hole.
"So, I'm sure George will be hanging out with big, fluffy Po and all the other animals up in the sky, and I know he knows we'll miss him," Brittany continued enthusiastically, "and we'll totally see you again, George, but for now, rest peacefully you chubby little kitty."
Rachel made a mental note to let Brittany speak at all of their animals' interments. She turned the whole thing into a sweet, optimistic occasion that had Quinn laughing against Rachel's shoulder.
"I think George would make a good acrobat." Quinn remarked, pawing at her eyes.
Rachel smiled up at her and swept her thumbs along Quinn's cheeks. "Like bears, right? You always say how they'd make wonderful acrobats as well."
It was a discussion had far too frequently in their house.
Quinn nodded absently. "You know, we gave him six years in a loving home, after he was abandoned by the Hudson and starving to death." She said quietly. She squeezed Rachel closer to her side. "I'm proud of us."
Rachel kissed her shoulder and watched Mr. Anderson settle a stone engraved with "George" on top of the fresh dirt. She sighed and leaned back in Quinn's arms, and Puck did a double-take in their direction.
"Dude, your nose is bleeding." He informed, brow furrowed.
And Rachel lifted her hand up and groaned, because he was right, and of course this would happen right now.
Quinn whipped around in front of her and gripped her shoulders, and Blaine ran back to the house for paper towels.
"Just-tilt your head back, babe." Quinn instructed, covering Rachel's hand over her nose.
Rachel nodded. This was old hat.
"That's disgusting, Berry." Santana muttered, standing on her tip toes for a good view.
Brittany knocked her in the side. "It's turning your teeth pink."
"I'b find." Rachel said loudly, grimacing at the coppery taste in her mouth.
Quinn tapped her cheek, eyes flashing with concern. "Don't talk, Rachel, you'll choke on your own blood."
And if that wasn't an incentive to keep quiet, Rachel didn't know what was.
She let Quinn and Blaine clean her up, and explained to her friends that she was just too intense for her body sometimes and that she was fine, and then she sat in the sun with a wet cloth and her wife, and probably the spirit of an overweight, gray cat.
Quinn rubbed at her nose with the cloth, holding her jaw to keep her still.
"It's like a siren that goes off when you feel too much." Quinn observed, pinching Rachel's cheeks together.
Rachel laughed and squirmed away.
"Have you been sneaking coffee?" Quinn questioned, eyebrow raised.
Rachel shook her head.
Quinn pushed her shoulders until she fell back into the grass and then hovered over her, carefully studying her face. "I believe you."
"I'd never lie to you."
Quinn wiped at her nose again, and then tilted forward and kissed it. "More yoga, then."
Rachel laughed, because she knew what "yoga" meant, and because she obviously needed some other external outlet for her emotions than her nose.
"We'll figure it out." She said, and then laughed loudly while Quinn tickled her in the grass, because this was a good place to start.
~ooooooooooooo~
A meeting with Tom seemed like a good idea, because they'd only seen him once since they'd been back from California, and they were trying for a baby and Rachel's nose was bleeding and they both had new jobs, and really, there was just a whole pot full of things that could possibly go wrong.
Rachel reached for the door of Tom's building, but Quinn made a noise of protest and seized her arm before she could open it.
"I haven't finished my ice cream." Quinn stated, holding up her chocolate cone.
"Well, hurry up, then." Rachel requested. She took a few steps away from the door and crossed her arms to watch Quinn.
Quinn licked leisurely at the ice cream, savoring it and licking her lips and then smiling nicely as a stranger with a dog walked by.
Rachel watched her tongue dip into the cone, and she blushed, aware that she shouldn't be so flustered by a woman with ice cream on her face.
"Quinn, hurry up." She repeated, glancing at the time on her phone to see that they were already late.
Quinn stared at her for a second. And then she pushed the rest of the ice cream into her mouth, puffing out her cheeks and covering her lips so that it didn't drip.
Rachel scrunched up her face. "You're getting it everywhere, hon."
Quinn coughed, or choked, and Rachel pulled a napkin out of her bag and handed it to her wife.
"Agghh ghu." Quinn managed.
Rachel linked arms with her and walked into the building, eager to move this out of the public eye. Quinn was finished swallowing by the time they reached the fifth floor, and she stopped outside Dr. Madison's office and smiled at Rachel, showing all her teeth.
"Do I have chocolate on my face?" she checked, moving her head around at different angles.
Rachel smiled. "No. You're fine."
And Quinn took the opportunity to kiss her, before sweeping into the lobby and greeting the fish and leading Rachel to Tom's office.
It was as blue as ever, and his hair was sprinkled with gray, but his eyes still sparkled. He dove straight into business, as usual, tipping backwards in his chair and juggling a stress ball in his hands.
"So, how much longer will it be before you know if you're pregnant or not?" he questioned curiously, about ten minutes into the session, eyes flitting between Rachel and Quinn.
"A week." Quinn answered, reaching for Rachel's hand.
Rachel's knees bounced in excitement.
Tom grinned. "You two will make fantastic parents."
Rachel remembered the Beanie Baby sitting at home, named by Tom's son, and she smiled because this guy probably knew what he was talking about.
"How much have you thought about this?" he continued, clasping his hands together. "I know you have loads of time to really work things out, but-just in general-what's your plan?"
Quinn glanced at Rachel, and then straightened in her seat. "Well, I'll have maternity leave when the baby comes-a few months, I'm assuming- and then when I go back to work, Rachel will look after the baby during the day and I'll take over during her shows."
"We haven't purchased anything or painted any walls yet." Rachel added.
Her dads had bought enough baby merchandise to last a lifetime.
"I'd like a green hippopotamus on the nursery wall." Quinn stated sagely, looking at Rachel.
Rachel imagined waking up to find a large, violent river mammal looming over her bed. She was skeptical. "That sounds…terrifying."
"Wait, not-not an anatomically or aesthetically accurate one," Quinn rushed, smile dropping, "one that's-we can make it smiling! Like a cartoon."
Rachel's lips twitched.
"Or-or a less malevolent animal, like an elephant. A green elephant."
"Your feelings about what you'd like on the wall are rather strong, Quinn." Tom observed, amused.
Quinn clamped her mouth shut and flushed, right up to her ears, and Rachel remembered the elephant in the closet at the children's home and the animals on the wall in Lisa's house.
"I think we can paint a big green hippo on the nursery wall." Rachel remarked lightly, squeezing Quinn's hand.
Quinn looked grateful. "Or an elephant. You'd have to be exceedingly antagonistic to get an elephant to attack you."
Rachel didn't know why that was important, but she nodded.
"How is your anxiety, Quinn?" Tom asked. "New job, possible pregnancy…Are you doing well?"
Quinn shook her head around and bounced her knees, and Rachel smiled because that was exactly what she expected.
"I-yes, I am. We are." Quinn answered. "I have-I think being able to focus on the zoo and the possible baby actually helps alleviate anxiety. Or…block it out. I'm not sure. It might not be entirely healthy."
Quinn frowned as she thought about it, and Tom laughed and waved her off.
"You work with bears now, Quinn. Of course your anxiety is going to drop." Tom proclaimed. "You are absolutely comfortable where you are, and you just need to be prepared for when things start changing. Your routine will be turned upside-down and you won't have time to process or the opportunity to take a day away from people, so the sooner you start preparing yourself, the better."
Quinn bit her lip, twirling the rubber band around her wrist nervously.
"We have started preparing." Rachel assured. "Every day, Quinn, you get better with people. And you settle and open up and let go of your routine, and we will be able to handle a baby when it comes."
By painting large, violent mammals on nursery room walls.
Quinn considered that. She studied Rachel, and then smiled slightly and reached out to place a hand on top of Rachel's head.
"You're right, baby." she agreed quietly. Her eyes sparkled. "Now tell Tom about your nose bleed and the fact that your tiny body can't handle big emotions."
Rachel huffed and ducked out from Quinn's hand, and Tom laughed jovially.
"Nosebleeds again?" he questioned.
"Just one." Rachel argued.
And she'd already told herself to get back to the big bouncy yoga balls this weekend.
"As long as you know how to deal with it…" Tom drawled vaguely, eyebrow raised.
Rachel sighed in exasperation. "I am married to the greatest woman, who just got a fantastic new job, and we may be having a baby very soon. I'm starring in Hello, Dolly! this fall, and I have a gorgeous home and supportive friends, and it's all just happy stress. Very, very happy."
Quinn hummed. "Like, she bursts at the seams, and then her happiness comes streaming down her nose."
Rachel was still annoyed, but she snorted a laugh at that description and the wise way in which it was delivered.
Tom chuckled. "You two seem to know exactly how to handle yourselves." He stated proudly. "Six years ago it was a much different story."
Rachel remembered exploring Quinn's bedroom six years ago, and then hearing Quinn's voice for the first time, having vegan macaroni and watching Funny Girl and Paranormal Activity, and then sharing the same bed and ignoring how ridiculous that was for two people who were essentially strangers.
Quinn shrugged easily and smiled at Tom. "I met a girl six years ago. She makes it better."
Rachel pressed her lips together. She could feel Quinn's eyes on her, but she refused to look because she'd just overflow again.
"She's not looking at me right now, but she's normally very loud." Quinn continued conversationally, smile in her voice.
Tom just sat back in his chair, grinning indulgently. Rachel figured she and Quinn had to be his favorite clients. Friends, by now. They were probably the couple he bragged about to his other patients.
"Look, her ears are turning red. That means she loves me." Quinn stated proudly.
And Rachel finally twisted in her seat and met her wife's smiling gaze, and Quinn leaned all the way over both armrests to kiss her.
She tasted like chocolate ice cream and smelled like gummy bears.
~ooooooooooooo~
Rachel draped herself over Quinn's body and pressed sloppy kisses to her cheeks until her eyes fluttered open.
"Mmm." Quinn chuckled thickly. "You're crushing me, little bear." She wrapped her arms around Rachel and held her in place.
Rachel tapped her cheeks impatiently. "It's three weeks, baby." she whispered loudly.
Quinn stared up at her, and Rachel watched a slow smile play across her face. "It has been three weeks."
"How do you feel?" Rachel questioned, rolling to the side so that Quinn could sit up. "Do you feel pregnant? When's your period due?"
Quinn scrunched up her nose and gave Rachel a look.
Rachel raised her eyebrows. This was important information.
"A few days ago." Quinn conceded, trying to push her hair out of her face.
Rachel tilted forward and ran her hands through it a few times until it fell where it was supposed to. Quinn smiled and leaned in, laughing when Rachel patted her head like a puppy.
"Do you-are you ready to take a test now?" Rachel asked, bouncing her knees nervously.
Quinn stretched and watched her for a second, eyes shiny and cheeks warm from sleep. "Sure, if you relax, sweetheart."
Rachel tried to hold still.
Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Are you okay?"
She probably looked apoplectic. Crazy eyes. Rachel tried to soften her features to come off as less insane, and Jelly landed on her pillow, plodding across it so that Rachel could pet her.
"I didn't sleep much last night." Rachel admitted, in her nervous, I've-just-eaten-a-cup-of-sugar-and-may-burst-into-song-at-any-moment voice.
Quinn untangled her legs from the duvet and scooted forward to wrap an arm around Rachel's waist. "Why not?" she asked, squeezing tightly.
Rachel frowned. Her toes were wiggling and she couldn't seem to stop them. "I have a lot of-I just-we're in this together, but there are so many things to think about, that-"
"Like what?" Quinn interrupted, tugging Rachel's ear to cut her off.
"It doesn't-"
Quinn shook her head, and Rachel sighed. "Okay, like-I don't know-would we raise the baby to be Jewish or Christian, or-"
"Rachel." Quinn said calmly, tapping Rachel's lips. Rachel's heart was pounding away, and her face was flushed, and Quinn waited until she had her attention. "We'll educate them about both, and we'll celebrate both." She offered slowly, reasonably. "It's the same God, and it's all love, so…"
Rachel focused on those hazel eyes. She processed Quinn's words, and then nodded, and her toes slowed down. "Okay, well, what about their diet? You eat such awful-"
Quinn snorted. She unwrapped her arm from Rachel's waist and grabbed her ears instead. "We really shouldn't pass on your vegan diet to our children, but we won't be feeding them crap either."
Rachel kept nodding. "As much-as much natural stuff as possible?"
"Yes, baby. Plus occasional cookies and pizza." Quinn agreed, smiling. "This is fun. Give me another one."
Rachel dropped her gaze to her lap. "What about-I know I won't be technically blood-related to our baby, but do you-"
Quinn's grin vanished. "No. Stop." she interrupted sharply. She pulled on Rachel's ears until she had her attention again. "Rachel, you are my wife." She stated quietly, but firmly. "You were the one in bed with me three weeks ago, and as soon as we know this baby exists, you are one of two people who will love it more than anything else in the world. You'll see it take its first breath, and you'll be there for every step of its life."
Rachel stopped fidgeting. Quinn's voice was soothing and her eyes were calm, and Rachel liked the things she was saying.
"This is your baby, Rachel. Our baby." Quinn said softly, lips quirking up. "And this baby will fall in love with you before it's even born, because it's impossible not to."
Rachel pressed her lips together. Quinn finally let go of her ears and held Rachel's hands instead.
"We don't-we don't even know if there is a baby yet." Rachel said with a small smile.
Quinn kissed both of her hands and started to slide off the bed. "Let's find out."
They had two pregnancy tests, and Rachel pulled them out of the boxes in the bathroom while Quinn sat on the edge of the tub in sleep shorts and wooly socks and a long-sleeve NYU t-shirt, watching her carefully.
"Do you-should I…" Rachel gestured towards the bathroom door and Quinn shook her head immediately.
"You're not going anywhere, Rachel bear." She said with a smile, reaching for the tests.
Rachel took a deep breath and handed them over, and then sat up on the sink counter while Quinn did her business. Anticipation had hit last night, and it had worked her up until she couldn't take much more.
"Three minutes." Quinn remarked, striding over to the sink and setting down the tests to wash her hands.
Rachel tugged on her shirt when she was finished and Quinn moved to stand between her legs.
"I love you." Rachel murmured, wrapping her arms around her wife, and then locking her in place with her legs.
Quinn smiled and rested her chin on Rachel's head and held her tightly. "Love you too, baby. So much."
Rachel didn't let Quinn move-not that Quinn seemed like she wanted to move-for three minutes. And then she released her hold, and Quinn kissed her head and held her hand and gestured at the tests.
"You can look." Rachel whispered. Her heart could not take that right now.
Quinn nodded.
She took both tests, took a deep breath, and flipped them over, and Rachel watched her face, figuring this is what it felt like to be on the precipice of cardiac arrest.
A smile split Quinn's face, and it turned small and genuine as she looked at Rachel, and Rachel frantically searched her bright eyes.
"Rachel, we're having a baby." Quinn whispered.
And Rachel was crying before she knew what was happening, and laughing because Quinn wrapped her in her arms and spun her around the bathroom, until someone's shin knocked into the cabinet and Quinn's arms gave out and a dog came bounding inside.
Rachel thought of the polar bear proposal and butterfly wedding, and it was truly the greatest day.