Still off the Key of Reason
Chapter 26: Then Came a Baby Boy with Blonde Eyelashes
"Can't you do anything?!" Rachel screeched, sweaty and light-headed and seconds from keeling over.
Sixteen hours into labor and her vision was finally starting to gray.
"She can't have any more drugs yet." A harried nurse called, catching Rachel's frantic eyes over the commotion. "She's doing great. Quinn, you're doing great. Just keep it up."
Quinn groaned. Rachel's hand had gone numb about an hour ago, so she didn't feel it when Quinn dug her nails in. Deeply, leaving red welts and purple blotches on her palm. They matched the large, red bruise swelling around her ankle.
"You're doing so well, baby." Rachel encouraged breathlessly, brushing the damp hair back from Quinn's forehead. "Just a couple more pushes. You're doing amazing."
Rachel had never witnessed a human birth before, but it seemed like Quinn had been exceedingly quiet during the whole thing. She let out deep, soundless groans and crushed Rachel's hand and flung multiple cups full of ice against the wall, but she didn't scream or yell or swear.
Rachel would be bringing the house down if she was having the baby. Swearing to Jesus and back again. Kicking people in the face.
"We can see the head, Quinn. Just give a big push when I say so, okay?"
Quinn shook her head rapidly and opened her eyes. "I don't…like you." She choked out, strained and flushed and speaking to nobody in particular.
"I know, bear, I know."
"Why did you-why are we-this isn't-I hate-"
Tears leaked out of Quinn's eyes and rolled down her cheeks and mixed with sweat, and Rachel wiped them all away with the tiny towel they'd given her.
"Okay, Quinn, push!" the doctor urged.
Quinn pitched forward, and then backwards, because she couldn't push sitting forward, but she couldn't seem to do it sitting back either, and Rachel held her shoulder and her hand and wondered if it was possible to spontaneously rupture her insides with how hard she was pushing along with her wife.
She had nothing to push. She'd probably herniate herself.
"It's not-" Quinn choked on her breath and cried out.
"You're okay, bear. You're okay." Rachel kept her mouth close to Quinn's ear, trying to be the only thing she could hear.
"She's tearing, she's tearing." One of the doctors announced loudly, and that incited an even greater commotion than before.
Rachel winced painfully. Her face was hot and she was getting tunnel vision and her stomach felt hollow. Tearing. She tilted unsteadily against the hospital bed.
"No-Ra-Rach, don't you dare-"
"Quinn, push, now!" a doctor yelled, and Quinn pressed her face against Rachel's shoulder and complied, crying out gutturally.
"That's it. Good job. Good job, baby." Rachel repeated shakily, eyes closed, half on the bed at this point, if only to keep herself upright.
When Quinn's body relaxed, Rachel panicked. She opened her eyes and blinked the blurriness away, and then the crying met her ears, a little baby boy, and Rachel's chest heaved in relief and concern because Quinn really didn't look well.
She couldn't even see the baby. The doctor still sat at the end of the bed, leaning forward to deal with something new.
"This is-yeah, this is second degree." He spun on little stool to quickly inform a nurse. "We need-Quinn, you hang in there, okay-we need local anesthetic. Have to stitch it."
Rachel tipped forward and hugged Quinn's neck and pressed her lips to her temple. She was alarmingly pale, having been crimson only a few minutes ago. She blinked dazedly at Rachel's hair in her eyes.
"I love you, I love you, baby." Rachel mumbled, and then she was crying because she couldn't see her baby boy yet, and she didn't know where he'd gone, and Quinn seemed to be falling asleep at the most inopportune time.
"Bear, baby, you're okay, please." She said softly, dragging her hand through Quinn's hair.
The other was slowly regaining feeling, horrible feeling, like it had been run over with a car, but Rachel ignored it easily.
"Rachel?" A nurse called from a doorway across the room. "Would you like to come and see him?"
Rachel hesitated. She didn't move away from Quinn, but she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "I need-I need to stay with-"
"You should meet your boy, Rachel." The doctor remarked without shifting his eyes from his work. "Quinn will be-I'm just stitching her up. This isn't so uncommon. She'll be fine."
Rachel gazed uneasily at Quinn's face. It did seem like the color was returning to her cheeks.
"Baby? Can you hear me?" she whispered, tucking the blonde hair out of Quinn's eyes. Her voice was thick and anxious.
Quinn hummed uncomfortably.
"Bear, we have a baby now."
Quinn's eyes fluttered open, hazel and red and glassy and confused.
"I'm going to go meet him, okay?" Rachel said softly.
Quinn hummed again, and then lolled her head slightly towards Rachel's. Rachel kissed her lips, and then her cheeks, and ran her hand through damp blonde a hair a few more times before pushing slowly away from the bed to follow the nurse.
Her legs were unsteady, and she limped and stuck her hand into her sweatpants pocket and was met with a glob of melted chocolate Easter eggs.
And then the nurse spun around, and there was a small blue bundle in her arms, and Rachel was overwhelmed because his face was tiny and red and he was so gentle and quiet, and his blonde eyelashes were perfect.
He was perfect. Rachel was standing there in stage make-up and a backwards t-shirt, with an injured hand and a swollen ankle and pockets full of her wife's melted chocolate, and he was perfect.
"Is he-can I hold him?" she whispered, already stepping forward.
His cheeks were scrunched up and chubby, and his fists were pressed against his mouth like a rabbit. Rachel almost burst into tears when she saw his wide blue eyes.
"They usually change color." The nurse said softly, carefully handing over.
"Hi, baby boy." Rachel choked, lifting him up, careful to support his head so that she could kiss his forehead. He was lighter than anything. Lighter than the dogs when they'd been puppies. Lighter than their cats and rabbit.
"You just couldn't wait, could you?"
She could see Quinn in him already.
He scrunched up his face further, and Rachel sniffled and chuckled and was absolutely captivated. "It's because it's Easter, right? You knew mommy would have chocolate."
"Eighteen inches, five pounds, seven ounces." The nurse informed with a kind smile. "Do you have a name?"
Rachel traced a finger around his tiny fist. "King James." She whispered. "James Christopher Robin. I know it's a…mouthful."
Rachel was actually adding the "Christopher" spontaneously. Right there in the hospital room. She imagined the delight she'd find on Quinn's face and knew it was the right decision.
She actually missed the nurse's reaction because she could not take her eyes off of her baby. She needed Quinn to meet him, to fawn over him, because she was the only person who would understand what Rachel was feeling.
James shut his eyes, and puffed out his chubby cheeks, and Rachel was a mother.
~oooooooooo~
Rachel called her dads, and then Santana and Puck and Kurt, and fell asleep with her arms folded on Quinn's bed. One hand had been bandaged to an ice pack, and her hair was a mess and the chocolate in her pocket was just getting worse, but she refused to leave Quinn's room.
She woke up with Quinn's hand on top of her head, just resting there, tangled in the dark knots.
"Is he okay?" Quinn whispered, voice slurred and worried and tired.
Rachel smiled and sat up immediately, ignoring the fact that her elbows and shoulders seemed to bend the other way now, and Quinn's hand dropped to run through her hair.
"He's wonderful, baby." Rachel assured quietly. "Five pounds, seven ounces, and eighteen inches long. You were so great."
Quinn nodded and swallowed thickly, and her eyes were filling with tears before Rachel knew what was happening.
So Rachel climbed onto the bed, of course, and squeezed herself into Quinn's side, careful not to disturb anything.
"You were amazing, bear. James is amazing." She repeated softly.
Quinn rolled into her, grimacing slightly. "I told-I told you his head was too big."
Rachel hummed. "He's just like you."
Quinn poked Rachel in the ribs, and Rachel shifted and brought her hand up and laughed at the gasp her icepack bandage elicited.
"What-did I do that?" Quinn wondered, stricken. She examined Rachel's hand herself, with difficulty because she seemed to be lacking coordination at the moment, and then gently kissed Rachel's palm.
"It's only bruised, bear."
Quinn eyed her, distressed. "Your fingers are purple."
Rachel wondered if Quinn knew that she'd been stitched up, and that she was now sitting on an icepack waiting for the pain to come rushing back when the medication wore off. Rachel would not be the one to complain about a bruised hand at the moment.
Quinn sighed and pressed her nose into Rachel's cheek. She was silent for a minute, but then she sniffed and blinked blurrily up at Rachel, lips twitching.
"Why do you smell like chocolate, Rachel?"
Because of the goddamn blob of melted eggs in her sweatpants.
Rachel smiled widely and chose to ignore the situation. "Are you ready to meet James, baby? Are you awake enough?"
"Yes. Yes-yeah, I am." Quinn fumbled to sit up, chocolate forgotten, and Rachel put a hand on her shoulder and helped her along.
She fetched the nurse, and then returned to Quinn, and the nurse rolled James in from the nursery a few minutes later. Quinn seemed to stop breathing as soon as the door opened, and Rachel kissed her head and watched, absolutely delighted and entranced.
The nurse didn't hesitate in carefully picking up the blue bundle to hand to Quinn, and Quinn was fascinated and crying, and Rachel was pretty sure she hadn't blinked yet. Her fingers were pale and gentle against James's skin, and she held him close and traced his cheeks and whispered under her breath, tearing her gaze away only to look at Rachel.
"You're-he's-he's beautiful." She managed, and Rachel nodded and smiled softly because of course he was. He came out of Quinn.
And he came out in the middle of Hello! Dolly, obviously spurred on by Rachel's voice and talent and brilliant musical theater in general, so he was destined to be a star as well.
"He feels like a hippo." Quinn whispered next, and Rachel snorted softly and tilted into Quinn's side, not surprised at all.
"Why, baby?"
Quinn ran a finger over James's ear and then along the top of his head. He lifted a fist, and a small spit bubble formed at his lips, but he didn't wake up.
"He's-his hair is fuzzy, like a baby hippo's." Quinn informed. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to James's forehead, and she was crying again when she pulled back.
Rachel squeezed her shoulders.
"They're related to whales, you know." Quinn sniffled, fixing James's soft blue blanket.
Rachel hummed absently. She couldn't take her eyes off their little boy, and she was tearing up again herself.
"Hippos are." Quinn clarified quietly. "He smells so good."
Rachel pressed her hands to her eyes. "We made-Quinn, he's so-"
She just could not fathom where he'd come from. This perfect baby was giving her a breakdown. This hippo baby, king James, Christopher Robin, little bear baby with tiny fists and chubby cheeks and a fluff of blonde hair would be the end of Rachel.
Her shoulders shook, and Quinn smiled at her and held her hand still.
"I know, little bear." She murmured simply.
And then Rachel was imagining a life without Quinn, because there were so many ways that birth could've gone, and wow, it was like her vision was blacked out. Like she'd stepped into a vacuum. No more chocolate in her pockets, cold feet in the middle of the night, cookies in the morning, kisses on the living room floor. Rachel twisted sideways and pressed her face against Quinn's shoulder until she could collect herself.
Quinn squeezed her with one arm and supported James with the other.
"Rachel." She whispered, and Rachel tried to slow her crying and breathing and snotting against Quinn's hospital gown.
"Sorry." She mumbled, and God she was such a mess.
Hormonal, chocolatey, tired mess on Easter afternoon.
"No, baby." Quinn tried to catch Rachel's eyes. "Just…look. Look at him. It's okay."
Rachel complied. She couldn't not. She rested her head on Quinn's shoulder and wiped her eyes with her sleeve and listened to Quinn babble about hippos to their sleeping baby.
"Listen, Christopher Robin," Quinn whispered, and tapped her fingers where his tiny feet would be, "when you see somebody putting on his big boots, you can be pretty sure that an adventure is going to happen."
It was exactly how a Berry-Fabray should be introduced to the world.
~ooooooooooooo~
"You really couldn't wait any longer to pop it out?" Santana questioned loudly, annoyed, breezing into Quinn's room with their friends in tow.
Rachel grimaced at her word choice. Quinn probably wished it had "popped out." The painkillers were wearing off and she was shifting uncomfortably on her ice pack.
"Where is it?" Puck asked eagerly. He glanced around the room far less discreetly than Santana had, checking under one of the metal carts like that's where they'd put their newborn.
"He." Kurt corrected. "Not it."
Santana spun in a circle by the door, eyebrows raised. "You got a nice room here." She mused.
"Quinn, how are you?" Blaine asked nicely, smiling at Quinn.
Quinn pressed her fingers against Rachel's lower back, playing with the fabric of her t-shirt. She smiled slightly when Rachel squirmed. "I'm well, thank you."
"Where's Burrito?"
"James." Rachel huffed. "And lower your voices, please. Quinn's not well."
Quinn snorted lightly behind her, and Rachel twisted and caught her eye and winked.
"You should've called him Jesus." Brittany whispered. "Because he was born on Easter."
Jesus Berry-Fabray.
Kurt shook his head. "Jesus wasn't born on Easter, Britt."
"Rabbits are-they're used for Easter as symbols of new life and fertility, to celebrate His resurrection." Quinn informed quietly. She eyed Rachel's pocket and smiled. "And eggs."
Those damn eggs.
"Alright, where's the kid?" Santana stepped up and put her hands on the bar at the foot of Quinn's bed. "Let's get this show on the road."
Rachel got up to fetch the nurse and Quinn sighed in discomfort.
"You alright, Sunny Delight?" Santana checked, and Rachel saw genuine concern flash behind her eyes. For half a second, before one brow lifted and her smile turned amused.
Quinn nodded and pulled the blanket up to her chin.
"You're probably sore and tired, right?" Kurt guessed, nodding along with his words like he'd given birth just the other day.
Rachel sat back on the edge of the bed. "And she has perineal tear-"
"Rachel." Quinn said sharply, jabbing her in the back. Her face had gone crimson and she spoke under her breath. "Don't tell them that."
Santana backed away from the foot of the bed, laughing soundlessly.
"Oh, sorry, baby." Rachel apologized, and then tilted forward to give Quinn a kiss. Quinn turned her head so that Rachel caught her cheek.
"Bear." Rachel pressed.
Quinn put a hand on Rachel's chest to prevent her from coming closer. She studied her, hazel eyes sparkling. "You know, I know you almost fainted."
Rachel's eyes widened. She thought she'd covered it up so well.
Puck clapped his hands together. "Berry, I knew you'd do it!"
"I didn't actually faint." Rachel defended shortly.
"God, you're so weak."
"San, you almost pass out every time we give Flappy a bath." Brittany shoved her girlfriend's shoulder. "At least Rachel stayed awake."
"Barely." Quinn mumbled, and Rachel turned around to make sure she wasn't actually upset.
It really was an accomplishment that Rachel hadn't vomited or knocked herself out.
"Bear." Rachel whispered and caught Quinn's eye. Quinn's lips twitched, and she raised an eyebrow when Rachel tapped her cheek.
"Love you." Rachel sang.
Quinn smiled tiredly. "Love you too."
"Oh, here he comes!" Kurt shrieked, and then caught himself and repeated what he'd said in a whisper.
"We'll let mama have him first." The nurse said calmly, smiling at Rachel's expression when she handed James over.
Every time was like the first time. She never wanted to put him down.
"Oh, he's moving more." Rachel observed quietly, watching his little fists clench and unclench. His eyes opened, and Rachel smiled, enchanted. "Hello, there."
"Look at his cheeks!" Brittany squealed softly, peering over Santana's shoulder.
"Dude…he's…" Puck couldn't seem to find anything to say, and he swallowed thickly and nodded like James had his approval. "He's…yeah. Cool, little man. Little dude. Whatever"
Kurt bent over and tapped James's fist. "Hello, James. I'm Uncle Kurt, and this is Uncle Blaine." He introduced, gently holding the baby's hand with his thumb and index finger. "And you have the most gorgeous little eyelashes."
"Is he supposed to be that color?" Brittany wondered.
Rachel minutely tightened her hold on James. "Yes."
Santana didn't say anything. She studied James, and her eyes flickered over Rachel's head to Quinn, and she walked over and wordlessly bent over to give Quinn a hug. Quinn pressed her lips together and hugged her back. Rachel smiled to herself, and then felt Santana mussing up her hair.
"You guys didn't have an alien. Congrats."
It was the best they'd get.
Rachel handed James over to Kurt, taking an inordinately long amount of time to pry her fingers out of his fluffy blue blanket.
Blaine stepped forward with a small stuffed Pooh Bear in his hands. "This is from Sam." He explained, handing it to Rachel. "He said to give it to you when the baby came because he wouldn't be here to do it himself."
The first of many, probably.
Rachel awwed and thanked him and straightened Pooh's fuzzy red jumper. It was the perfect size for a little baby. Not big enough to crush him, but a good size for cuddling up to.
Quinn shifted and groaned softly, and Rachel turned around and leaned over to speak quietly.
"Do you need a new icepack, baby? Or Jell-O? Water?"
Quinn shook her head, splaying her blonde hair over the pillow. She gestured for Rachel to hand her the stuffed bear. They both glanced periodically over their shoulders to make sure James was in good hands.
And Rachel was exhausted, so she leaned back and pulled her legs up onto the bed. Puck walked over with James a few minutes later and deposited him in Quinn's arms. He was warm and cuddly, and then he started crying, and Quinn cooed calmly and rocked him against her chest.
Rachel wondered how she could be so close to falling asleep with a crying baby right next to her.
"Sounds like somebody's hungry!" the nurse announced, striding happily back into the room.
And that was the cue for their friends to leave. Everybody said their goodbyes, and got in their final squeezes and pinches and touches because James was a brand new toy to play with, something to protect and welcome, and Rachel watched the door swing shut behind them as they went.
~oooooooooooo~
Rachel finally changed into some new sweatpants and put her shirt on the right way round, and then walked back into the hospital room to find one of the staff struggling with Quinn and James, trying to give a breastfeeding lesson.
Quinn actually looked upset, and Rachel was surprised because she'd been fine five minutes ago.
"A good latch is key, Quinn." The specialist recited, smiling when Rachel approached the bed. "Are you ready to try?"
Quinn sighed and shook her head. James was still crying, and she held him closely and stroked her finger over his arm.
Rachel frowned. "Why not, baby?"
Quinn glanced at her, and then at the lactation specialist. "Can you go, please?" she asked lowly.
The woman smiled kindly. "Quinn, I do this every day. It's my job. You don't have to be embarrassed about anything."
"I'm not embarrassed." Quinn said sharply, loudly, because James was increasing his volume. "I'm not-I don't-I can do it by-by-"
She cut herself off and shook her head, and her shoulders lifted like she was trying not to cry. Rachel saw the tears anyway, because they came fast, and she perched on the edge of the bed and rested a hand on Quinn's leg.
"Baby, Quinn, what-why are you crying?" she asked softly, mildly alarmed.
Quinn's shoulders shook and she wiped roughly at her face. "I don't-I don't know."
"Would you rather try this without the nurse here?"
The specialist stepped forward. "I'm not actually a nurse; I'm-"
"Rachel, where will he go if something happens to us?" Quinn plowed right through the nurse's statement.
Rachel's eyebrows lifted. "I-what?"
"If something happens to us, like it did to my parents, where would he go?"
"Quinn, don't-"
"No, Rachel, please." Quinn tilted forward, still teary-eyed and rocking James against her chest. "He can't-he can't go where I did. We have to have a plan."
Rachel was bewildered. "Baby, we're surrounded by people who would take care of James."
Quinn nodded hopefully.
"My dads, Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine," Rachel listed, carefully gauging her wife's reaction because she wasn't sure where this had come from. "Auntie Britt, Auntie San, Uncle Puck, and Uncle Sam."
"You think…Would they take care of him if something happened?"
"Quinn, you-they don't-I can't-" Rachel stuttered in disbelief. She put a hand over Quinn's on James's blue blanket. "Of course they would. How could you-Quinn, this baby would be their first priority. They love him so much already."
Quinn bit her lip and glanced down at the baby.
"Okay?" Rachel pressed. "Do you believe me?"
"I do." Quinn said softly.
Rachel smiled slightly and tipped forward. "Nothing's going to happen though, bear."
Even though she'd sprained her ankle, bruised her hand, and nearly passed out in a span of about fifteen hours.
Quinn shook her head. "I-yeah, sorry. I feel…deranged."
"You're not deranged." The lactation specialist assured, popping up from behind Rachel like she'd been lurking in the shadows. "Just hormonal. It'll take a while for them to settle down. Shall we get started?"
Quinn didn't even have time to nod before the specialist stepped forward to help partially disrobe her. Quinn flushed, and Rachel narrowed her eyes at this strange woman's hands and tried to block the view of her wife's chest.
"Now, as I was saying earlier, a good latch is key." The specialist explained. "If it hurts, then he's positioned incorrectly."
Quinn watched suspiciously, like she suspected this woman was spouting nonsense. Rachel ground her teeth while she watched, and then relaxed when James started suckling and the specialist stepped back.
And then Rachel's eyes were growing teary again because her family was beautiful and she'd really just lost her mind this Easter.
"You should watch for postpartum depression as well." The specialist advised, like she was picking up in the middle of a conversation. "Know the signs."
Rachel had actually looked up the signs several weeks ago, because she was Rachel, and she'd fully expected this baby to come early, despite her panic at the time.
Quinn's gaze shifted sharply to the specialist. "I'll be fine. Are you-are you even qualified to-"
"Quinn." Rachel shook her head and nodded down at James. She mouthed an apology at the specialist. "If we-what would be the steps if we did…notice anything?" she wondered, trying to phrase it mildly for Quinn.
"Ask for help." The specialist suggested immediately. "Get support from friends and family. There's therapy and support groups, and several anti-depressants that can be given to breastfeeding mothers."
Quinn flinched visibly, and her leg stiffened under Rachel's hand. "No, you're not-we're not-I don't-no. No. It's not even an issue." She stuttered, wincing at the pain when she moved her leg. "You're not even a doctor."
"Bear." Rachel chided.
But Rachel agreed. She wouldn't be messing with that bridge until she needed to jump off.
Quinn huffed, frustrated again, but then she looked down at James and his puffy cheeks and closed eyes, and she relaxed.
Rachel moved closer so that the specialist wouldn't be able to hear. "You'll tell me though, right? If anything feels off?"
Quinn's eyes flickered up to her, more settled now.
"I know sometimes you can't tell, but just if you feel weird or sad, or-or anything at all." Rachel urged. "You'll tell me, right baby?"
"I feel hungry, Rachel." Quinn stated, lips quirking. "I'd like a cupcake, please."
Rachel shook her head and rolled her eyes. The one time she really needed a straight answer.
"And one for you as well."
Rachel sighed and shifted to heave herself off the bed, because yeah she'd get Quinn a damn cupcake, but Quinn's hand on her arm stopped her. Quinn squeezed and dropped her joking smile.
"I'll tell you, Rachel."
"Good." Rachel nodded. "Good, that's-good. I don't want us to be overwhelmed."
Quinn chuckled lightly. "You're in an ankle brace and stage makeup, and you smell like melted chocolate, baby. Maybe you've hit the wall."
Rachel had broken through that wall and circled back around to do it again.
She finally smiled, confident now that Quinn's eyes looked like Quinn's eyes again. "At least I'm not calling the hospital staff incompetent."
"That's…mean." Quinn said absently, focusing back on James. "I said unqualified."
"You said-"
"Where's my cupcake, Rachel?"
Rachel laughed.
"Chocolate, please." Quinn plowed on, trying not to smile. "With Easter eggs because you sat on all of mine."
"I didn't sit-"
"You melted them into an inedible glob, Rachel. Where's my cupcake?"
Rachel attempted to scoff, but it came out as a snort. Quinn smiled widely at the sound.
And then Rachel kissed James's little fist and got up to procure a cupcake from God knows where, simply because Quinn wanted one.