Let Your Heart Hold Fast

Chapter 17

Elizabeth and Nancy were both resting in bed, but neither of them had fallen asleep. Every time Elizabeth closed her eyes she thought she heard Neal calling for her. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his face, his blue eyes looking at her, his arms reaching for her. Every time she closed her eyes she thought of him and forgot to breathe.

Losing her baby had shattered Elizabeth almost completely, and it was only since Neal had come into her life that she felt the pieces finally being put back together. She never had the chance to look into Jackson's eyes and only had the chance to hold him for a short time, but she remembered him and loved him with every beat of her heart.

Not to diminish his loss at all, but it was different losing Neal. Her arms had held him so many nights, she had comforted him after his dreams, she had laughed with him, she had played with him. Losing him was a physical ache that she felt in every bone in her body. Losing him would shatter her in a way that she would never recover from.

Peter stayed at home as long as he could before giving in to the urge to go out looking for Neal. He knew there was little he could do until the fingerprint analysis came back, but he couldn't just sit at home. Neal would expect him to be out looking for him. Neal would expect him to save him.

He didn't even tell Elizabeth he was leaving, although he was sure that she expected it anyway. His father promised to take care of things at home and Peter promised to let him know if anything happened.

Peter went straight to the FBI building, hoping to hook up with the lead agent in charge of the case. He knew most of the New York field agents and hoped that the lead agent was someone he could work with. Some agents didn't like other department agents interfering with their cases, but this was definitely exceptional circumstances.

Once he arrived, he decided to check in at the White Collar office first, hoping that Diana and Jones were there. Luckily, he found them up in the conference room, files scattered everywhere.

"Hey, boss," Diana said. "How are you holding up? How's Elizabeth?"

Peter had already filled them in on the medical condition of his wife and mother, so he knew she was asking how Elizabeth was holding up emotionally. "We're holding it together, Diana. Have you come up with anything that might help find Neal?"

"Not yet, but we're working on it. We're checking deeper into Jenna and William Miller, and Jones is searching for anything we have on Neal's father. AFIS is still running the prints we found in the car." Diana stopped talking and placed her hand on Peter's arm. "We'll find him, Peter."

Peter really wanted to believe that, and he knew that two of the best agents he had ever worked with were working hard to make it true. "Do you know who the lead agent is on the case?"

"It's Dawson, boss."

Peter sighed in relief at that. He and Jim Dawson had been at Quantico together and although they hadn't necessarily been friends, they at least respected each other. He was a good agent and Peter knew he wouldn't mind him asking a few questions now and then.

"Can you get me his number, Diana? I want to talk with him."

A few minutes later Peter called Jim Dawson and found out that he was actually in the building. Jumping in the elevator to go and meet with him, Peter's heart ached at the memory of a smiling Neal coming off the elevator with Agent Davidson just days ago.

Neal didn't know how long he had been asleep, but he woke up to the sound of loud voices. He figured they were coming from the kitchen and he was pretty sure that one of them was a woman. Pushing the smelly blanket off of him, he stood up and walked closer to the kitchen. He was relieved to find that his head wasn't aching as much and that he was able to breathe a little easier, too. His chest still hurt, but it wasn't as bad as before.

Stopping just on the other side of the kitchen door, Neal stood as quietly as he could, hoping to hear something important.

"I can't believe you did that, Shawn. What were you thinking? He could have been killed and then what would we have done? Did you even think of that?" The woman's voice was shrill and unpleasant, causing Neal's head to pound a little. He thought that the voice sounded oddly familiar, but he couldn't really tell.

"Hey, if you think you could have done better, you were welcome to try. That boy was impossible to get to and I had to do something." Neal recognized this voice as the man who had kidnapped him.

"Is he okay? Did he get hurt?"

"I don't think so. He wasn't bleeding anywhere and he was walking and talking just fine," Shawn answered.

"Well, you better hope he doesn't have any internal injuries or something. That could screw everything up," she said.

Neal heard one of them open up the refrigerator door, reminding him that he was thirsty and hungry. Before he could think any further on that, they started talking again."

"So, what's the plan now? When do we get our money?" Shawn asked.

"We've gone over this a hundred times, Shawn," the woman answered, obviously frustrated. "We're going to lay low for a few days before we turn him over, so you might as well make yourself comfortable. When we get the call, we'll drop him off, get our money and be done with it all. Only a few more days, baby."

Neal didn't hear anything else; the sound of his heart pounding was too loud. He headed back over to the couch and curled up in a ball, praying with everything he had that Peter would find him. He didn't want to stay in the dirty, smelly house. He didn't want to listen to the woman's shrill voice ever again. He wanted to curl up next to Satchmo and color in his coloring book. He wanted to paint Elizabeth a picture and help her stick it on the refrigerator. He wanted to lay in his bed and listen to Peter read him a story. He just wanted to go home.

Elizabeth finally fell asleep after hours of staring at the ceiling. Her head ached and she felt continuously nauseated, so despite her desperation she finally closed her eyes and kept them closed. When she woke up, she thought for a blissful, heavenly second that it had all been a horrific dream, but then everything came rushing back to her in a flood of dreadful anxiety.

Jumping out of bed, she barely took the time to throw on her bathrobe before heading downstairs. She was surprised to find Richard and Nancy both sitting at the dining room table. "Where's Peter? Has there been any news?" she blurted out the minute she walked in.

"Elizabeth, how are you feeling?" Richard asked.

"Richard, please…..don't worry about me. Has there been any word on Neal?"

"I'm sorry, but no. Peter left a few hours ago, but he hasn't called yet. We were just thinking of calling him."

Elizabeth plopped down in the chair next to Nancy. "How did this happen? Who would do this?" she asked tearfully. "He's just a little boy and we were supposed to protect him. He must be so scared!"

Nancy pulled her chair closer and pulled Elizabeth into a one-armed hug. "Oh, honey, it's not your fault that this happened. Please don't think that! And we are going to find him!"

Elizabeth couldn't answer her mother-in-law. She couldn't help the fact that she felt like she had failed Neal, just like she had failed Jackson. Maybe she wasn't cut out to be a mother.

At Diana's insistence, Peter went home at six o'clock in the morning. Neal had been missing for almost twelve hours and everyone was still frantically searching. Peter knew they were all doing everything they could, but it didn't seem like enough. They had discovered that the prints on the car door and seat belt belonged to a thirty year old man named Shawn Clayton. The man had a small rap sheet consisting of small time robberies and thefts, and he had served several short jail terms, but nothing longer than six months.

Jones and several other agents were digging for any information they could find on the man and Peter knew that they would be searching for a while. He didn't want to leave, but he decided to go home rather than face Diana's wrath. She could be particularly intimidating at times.

When he arrived home, he was immediately accosted by Elizabeth and his parents. After explaining everything that he knew, Elizabeth sent him upstairs to try to get a little bit of rest. Peter decided that he needed a shower first, but ten minutes later he dropped wearily to the bed, his exhaustion finally overwhelming him.

Unlike Elizabeth, Peter fell instantly asleep. Unfortunately, his sleep was interjected with horrendous nightmares where Neal was calling out for him, screaming his name, but there was no way that Peter could get to him. Several times, Peter woke up, panic building desperately in his chest. It wasn't until the fourth time he woke up to find himself completely drenched in sweat, that he accepted the fact that he wasn't going to get any rest. He started to head into the bathroom to take another shower, but instead he found himself walking into Neal's room.

It was amazing to Peter that Neal could have settled into their lives so easily and so naturally. Peter remembered how unsure he was with the idea of fostering the child in the beginning. Elizabeth was so sure that they could handle it, but Peter had his doubts. He, of course, was happy that he had listened to his wife, but at the same time he couldn't help but feel that if they hadn't opened up their home and, more importantly, their hearts to Neal, they wouldn't be feeling the devastation they now felt. Not that he blamed his wife in the slightest.

Once in Neal's room, Peter climbed into the bed and covered himself with Neal's blanket. He was way too big for the little bed, his feet completely hanging off the end, but within minutes, Peter had fallen into a dreamless sleep.

Neal had no idea what time it was, but he could tell by looking out the window that it was almost morning. He had spent the whole night on the couch…..cold, scared and hungry. Shawn had brought him some food, but Neal couldn't eat it, his stomach rolling chaotically at the sight of it. It had smelled awful, just like the blanket and the house.

Neal's refusal of the food made Shawn angry and he started yelling at the boy. This, of course, made Neal cry, which only made Shawn yell even louder. Finally, the woman that Neal had heard earlier came into the living room, yelling at both Neal and Shawn to shut up. Neal immediately stopped crying, his eyes widening when he saw the woman standing before him. He knew her! She was the one that had taken him away from Peter the day that William was arrested. She was the one that took him to the foster homes he had stayed in.

Neal had been confused when he first saw her. He didn't remember her name, but he remembered that she had been nice to him. She had explained everything that was going to happen as they drove to the emergency group home that day. She had tried to make him feel better, acting as if she cared about him. Why was she doing this to him now?

After she had yelled at him to stop crying, Neal watched her as she paced in front of him. She was obviously nervous or upset about something and Neal could feel himself growing more nervous, too. Every few minutes she would stop and look at him, before starting her pacing again. Eventually she stopped and yelled at him again.

"Quit staring at me like that! You're driving me crazy!"

Neal looked down at his hands, wondering how something like that could drive her crazy. He stared at his hands for several minutes until he heard her start pacing again. Unfortunately, he looked up at her at the same moment she stopped and looked at him.

"I said quit staring at me," she exclaimed as she strode over to the sofa. Before Neal knew what was happening, she raised her hand and slapped him across the cheek. Neal's eyes immediately filled with tears and he couldn't stop the sobs that escaped him.

"Rhianna, stop! He's just a kid and he's scared." Shawn stepped over to where Neal was, placing himself in front of the boy. "Babe, you need to calm down. Like you said….. it's almost over, okay? We'll get our money and we'll finally get out of here."

The woman didn't say a word as she turned and walked out of the room. Shawn looked down at Neal and asked him if he needed anything, but he didn't answer. Instead, Neal had just curled up on the sofa and tried to cry quietly. That night he dreamt of William over and over again.

So, when he woke, his stomach was aching with hunger and he had cried so much the night before that his eyes were dried out and burning. As he lay there on the couch, he thought about the way Elizabeth would wake him up in the mornings with a kiss on his forehead, or how Peter would come to him and gently shake his leg to wake him. He thought about how Elizabeth would let him help her make breakfast in the mornings and how Peter would read his newspaper at the table, sometimes talking to himself without realizing it. He thought of Satchmo, who would always sit at his feet under the table, waiting for him to drop something or actually feed him from his plate. He thought so long and hard about it all that he actually thought he heard Elizabeth's voice. His heart ached when he realized that he was hearing Rhianna and Shawn talking in the kitchen.

Not knowing what else to do, Neal curled back up and went to sleep, this time dreaming of Elizabeth, Peter and Satchmo.

Peter woke up hours later and immediately called Diana to see if they had found anything. He was disappointed to hear that they had found where Shawn Clayton lived, but that according to his landlord, the man hadn't been seen for some time. The landlord was able to tell them that Shawn had a girlfriend that occasionally showed up, but unfortunately he didn't know her name. At least they had another avenue to search now, Peter thought to himself.

Jones was still working on trying to find out all he could on Neal's father, James Bennett. Peter had learned earlier that Caffrey was actually Neal's mother's maiden name. Searching for James Bennett had yielded very little so far. James had been a police officer in Washington, D.C. and apparently had been a corrupt cop. He had been killed in some kind of deal gone bad, leaving Elena Caffrey to raise her two year old son by herself. In vetting James Bennett, they had discovered that he was an only child and that his mother had died ten years prior to his own death. His father had abandoned his family years ago when James was only eight years old and Jones was in the process of checking him out. There was no other family on the Bennett side.

Elena Caffrey had no other family, either, other than her sister. Jim Dawson had had several of his agents working on finding Jenna Miller, just in case she had something to do with Neal's kidnapping, but when they finally found her there was no sign of Neal. Everything she told them legitimately checked out and Peter was forced to concede that she was innocent in everything but running off and leaving Neal with a man that had abused him.

Having to go home and tell Elizabeth that they still hadn't found him was one of the hardest things Peter had ever had to do. His wife looked broken and he wasn't sure how much more she could take before she was completely shattered.

Neal spent the day sitting on the sofa, mindlessly watching whatever was on the television. He brightened up a little when he caught the last half hour of the original Ocean's Eleven, but once it was over, the gloom sat back in. Every so often, Shawn would come in to check on him, but for the most part he was left alone. He finally ate a sandwich that the man brought to him, washing it down with milk that tasted funny and he made several trips to the bathroom, wondering if Elizabeth would be upset that he didn't take his bath last night.

Finally, around nine o'clock that night, Neal heard something that changed everything. He had been napping on the sofa, but woke up just as Shawn came to check on him. Neal didn't feel like talking to the man, so he pretended to be asleep, trying hard not to blink too much, just in case Shawn looked closely at him.

Before Shawn got too close, his phone rang, and Neal listened as the man answered it.

"Hey, babe…What did you find out?"

Neal could hear a woman's voice on the other end and knew it was Rhianna by the way Shawn answered it.

"Tomorrow?" Shawn asked. "So, where do we meet him?…But, that's so far away. It'll take us all day to get there!...I know babe, I'm just not looking forward to driving all the way to Chicago."

Chicago?! Neal knew somehow that he couldn't go to Chicago. He just knew deep in his soul that he couldn't let them take him to Chicago. There was only one thing he could do to stop that from happening. He had to run!

Author's note: Sorry for the wait, everyone. I had to work the last several days and my shift ends up being almost thirteen hours, so by the time I'm done working, I have just enough time to go home, sleep, get up, and do it all again. Anyway, here's a chapter for you and I really hope you can feel the desperation and anxiety that Peter, Elizabeth and Neal are feeling. It's kind of hard to put that down in writing, you know?

Thanks for reading, and as usual, I would love to hear your thoughts. I absolutely adore and cherish every review I get. Thank you so, so much.