I'm very late for this guys I'm sorry but, this is the kind of story that kinda destroyed me and my beta in the process so, it needed some thinking.
Here have the second chapter. It's Haru POV. It's not the last one - you will see why at the end.
(note that the two versions aren't the same, for I have made some edit on ao3)
First part here, and also on ao3
warning: nsfw
Haru - The Man Who Fell in Love on Mondays
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The 'Distant Ocean' is where Makoto's sister decided to have brunch the following day of her wedding. It doesn't bother Haru much, to be honest; he loves cooking and he likes Ran a lot. So no, it's not because he has to work on Sunday that his hands are shaking with annoyance when he tries to open the oysters - no, it's because of the wedding itself. Ran was beautiful that day, in her white dress; her husband and her are perfect together, there is no denying that. It's just that Haru doesn't really understand the concept of 'Weddings', and why Makoto's family urges them to formalize their relationship.
Makoto didn't say anything about that of course, or even ask anything but Haru is tired of the looks he gives him. He is waiting; waiting for Haru to be ready and, frankly, Haru isn't sure that he will ever be ready for something like that.
Nagisa and Rei have accepted to help him with the service. There is almost a hundred people here, celebrating on the second day of the wedding: but as much as he wants to enjoy this as much as Makoto does, Haru can't find anything appealing in front of his eyes.
(He remembers, when he was a kid, what his mother had told him when he had asked why she had married his father. "It's because, he was 'the one', you know?" She had said, and even if Haru was still a child at that time, his mother never treated him like one and so, it took him some time to really understand the meaning of those topics.)
They end up closing near 8 pm. It took them almost three long hours to tidy up the place entirely. Nagisa and Rei spent the evening at their place, talking about love, future, and engagement - of course, the recent event led it to those kinds of chatting.
"Don't ever tell this to Rei," Nagisa tells him, just before he leaves, "but I've seen him talking to Ran's husband a lot today. I think he even asked him where he bought the ring - it was that place that had been robbed two years ago, remember? I think he is going to propose to me!"
Haru is grateful that Makoto is still busy in the kitchen and not standing here with him. The moment would have been even more stressful. He is ridiculously happy for them, they deserve it but he also knows what kind of thoughts run behind those purple eyes, as Nagisa smiles at him, expectantly. They should be the next. In fact, in everyone else's eyes they should already be married. That's what all of their relatives say.
As if they know better than them, what their relationship is about, and what they should do about it. Haru is tired of that. He is tired of being judged because he doesn't give what Makoto deserves, in everyone else's eyes.
Because that night when Makoto holds him close in his embrace, the warmth irradiatingfrom this chest feels unbearable, and the sole fact that he can't stand it anymore makes him ache.
Because he can't help but think, and no matter how hard he tries to lure his own heart, that Makoto isn't 'the one' his mother had told him about.
When Haru wakes up alone in his bed this Monday it's only to feel like a horrible person - Makoto isn't there anymore and the atmosphere is undoubtedly less suffocating. Haru rolls on his back and stares blankly at the ceiling. He isn't what people would call unhappy, that's for sure; but deep inside he knows that he is not quite blooming either. Makoto takes good care of him, and Haru really deeply cares for him, too. They live together in harmony and fight very little. It's calm, it's like if he were swimming in a lake where the water is tamed. If only it was…more…
But water is water, right? There is no point in changing it; the feeling will still be the same.
The one of his bath isn't enough to calm his nerves though, so in his journey to find out if he should do what everybody is waiting for him to do or listen to his own desires instead, Haru ends up in the swimming pool near his restaurant. The place isn't as crowded as he recalls it to be and it pleases him - he doesn't like being bothered, and people still stare at him when he swims; that makes him…annoyed, not really uncomfortable but he wishes people would stop being rude just because he is naturally talented.
He dives. And swims, for almost half an hour straight without stopping. And then it happens, very suddenly.
At first it's just the tip of his fingers; he can feel pins and needles and after a short moment it's almost as if they feel numb. He stops, and then looks at them. They're prune, maybe they have stayed in the water too much; so he just shrugs and resumes swimming again.
Then it's the water itself that feels different. Haru stops swimming for a moment - because this is something resolutely weird - and takes a look at his surroundings. Someone is swimming in the line next to his, and it's this fact alone that makes everything change. The swimmer is good, he is really good - ridiculously good Haru notices - and for no reason Haru wants to pass him. Is that jealousy? Is that because he feels bored? Is that because his life misses some challenge to make it thrilling again?
It's childish, but Haru really wants to be ahead and so, of course when the swimmer passes him again he feels pissed, out of himself; how dare that stranger-how dare he be better in the water than him?
It ends up in a race. He doesn't even look at the other, the water tells him everything he needs to know; his pace, the way his arms move as they breach the surface of the pool, the swinging of the legs. Outside, he can hear people cheering for them. He gives everything he's got, and in the end he loses but still, he feels like he had won something entirely different in return. Haru is breathless. His whole body is on fire. His heart is beating like it had never beat before and suddenly the world around him is not the same. The colors are brighter. The smell of chlorine is nicer than before. It's almost as if Haru feels…is that what people usually called 'Bliss'?
But it only lasts an instant. The moment he gets out of the pool, everything is back to being dull.
He looks for the swimmer. There is no one in the line next to him anymore, but he hears some people chatting near the line. He turns around. His eyes fall his back. The swimmer is taking a picture with his cellphone with two other girls. Haru stares at this back for too long, and when the guy is about to turn around Haru just doesn't know why, but he feels the need to leave the pool very, very quickly - so he runs to the locker room and goes straight home after that. He curls into a ball, until Makoto comes back and he has to make dinner.
"A double date?"Haru repeats.
(Even if it was his day off Haru can't stop cooking. And to deal with the frustration he has cooked for a whole regiment - they will have enough for the entire week.)
"Hmfh," muffs Makoto; he swallows his food, "My friend's name is Sousuke. He said he lives with a guy and that they want to meet new people. But you don't have to-"
"Okay," Haru says, and then he pours him some water and pretends not to see the dumbfounded look on his boyfriend's face.
Meeting new people seems like a good idea. It's a new challenge. It will untame the water he used to live in, it will only be for the best; it will help him forget the lack of pins in needles on his finger, the lack of warmth in his chest he had felt since he got out of the pool that evening.
If only he knew.
.
o0o0o
.
The guy who waits in front of the restaurant is wearing a pair of black printed jeans and Haru honestly thinks he had never seen something uglier in his whole life. He has a hood covering his head - it had stopped raining but maybe it's just to look, you know, cool - and a greyish vest that doesn't suit his tan at all. The guy is waiting, his hands hidden in his pockets and leans against the wall casually, as if it was natural, as if it was okay to just wait alone in front of a restaurant in such a posture.
Haru hopes it's not Makoto's friend. He doesn't like him, not at all, not one bit.
He almost bites on his cheek when Makoto goes to talk to him.
"You're Sousuke's friend?" He asks, and then the guy smiles, brightly.
He has very sharp teeth, Haru notices. And a very charming smile. And very red eyes. They feel like burning when they meet Haru's - he looks away, brusquely, and never looked at him in the eye again as the dinner goes on.
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o0o0o
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The next time he sees Rin it's at the pool.
For no apparent reason, Haru decided that now every Monday he will close the restaurant and go swimming instead. It's not because of what happened last time, he repeats in his head; it's just because the pool is less crowded and that it feels nicer to swim on week days. And, having Monday for himself is only going to be good for them; for Makoto and him. Haru needs to think, and he can't do it when Makoto is always there, always taking care of him and always looking at him with so much love in his eyes, without asking him something in return - it's making him sick.
The weight on his shoulder and the guilt of not loving him the way Makoto does are crunching him. The water helps to remove some of it, and it's all he needs for now - just a little bit of respite - or so he thinks.
"Hey," someone calls him as he closes his locker, "Nanase? That's your name, right?"
It comes from the guy from yesterday, the redhead who had been with Makoto's friend. He is still fully dressed when he reaches him; he has probably just entered the pool. Haru never expected to see him there too. Well, the guy had told them during dinner that they used to be pro swimmers years ago but it has never occurred to Haru that he would still be swimming. On Mondays.
They shake hands and then, Haru waits for him to change without realizing it. Rin walks away first.
He sees his back and suddenly it strikes him – his eyes widen; he wants to reach him.
"It was you," he breathes.
Rin turns around and just by the look on his face Harusees that Rin knows what he is referring to - and Haru is glad that he isn't the only one to have been troubled by last week's race. It feels like both of them had received a hammer blow at the exact same moment and, Rin has this tiny, cute blush on his face that Haru can't explain. The red head guy laughs first and scratches the back of his head. They end up swimming together until the pool finally closes its doors.
"Hey, Nanase, long time no see."
It's Coach Sasabe, the owner - since he stops working on weekends Haru had less opportunity to see him.
"Hey, I'm there too." Rin complains behind them.
"Oi but Matsuoka is there as well! Like every Monday, huh?" He grins to them. "You two finally met! I was sure this was going to happen someday. You're the two best swimmers I've seen in my career, and it's really saying something."
They talk a bit, about how the two of them are good at swimming, about how happy he is to have an ancient pro swimmer in his complex. He walks with them a little bit further until he reaches his car and then, the coach disappears from their view.
Haru hasn't realized they have stood side by side, watching the car leaving; the sunset is breathtaking in front of them and its warm orange colors illuminate Rin's hair, his face, his eyes. Suddenly Haru's stomach aches and it makes himfeel not so hungry anymore - despite having swum so much.
"So, hum," Rin starts, his eyes still stuck on the sun slowly disappearing behind the town's countless buildings, "You come here often? I mean regularly. I mean when-"
"You only come here on Monday, right?"
Rin looks at him; his eyes taken by surprise shine even more. "Yeah. I work on weekends and it's my only day off so-"
"Then I'll see you next Monday."
They part just like that. When Haru gets home the sky is already dark. He barely cooks for two and leaves everything to Makoto - he falls asleep before he could even hear him join him under the sheets.
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o0o0o
.
Very quickly, Haru gets addicted to swimming on Mondays - swimming with Rin.
With the wedding now long behind them he thought things would get better at home - and they did, really. Things with Makoto were back to normal but still, Haru felt out of place. He knew something was off, and he knew it because he couldn't cook like he used to. He hadn't been able to do a single dish as he wanted it to be for the whole week.
Truth is,Haru feels on nerves all week until Sunday's evening comes. Every single thing that goes wrong is a huge trigger; and he caught himself shouting at Makoto for nothing, for a little spoon put away with the forks, for the bottle of milk on the wrong place on the fridge, for a lonely sock in the washing machine. And then, Makoto calls him an angry wife and he just gets out of the room and stop talking to him until they kiss at night.
Makoto kisses the back of his neck and mumbles a good night, and Haru just nods in response. He can't wait to sleep, he can't wait for the day to be over, he can't wait for Monday to be here.
He finds himself in front of the pool's entrance by 9 AM. Coach Sasabe greets him and asks him why he isn't coming inside - no one is there yet, he'll have the pool just for himself.
"I'm waiting for Matsuoka." He says, and it feels weird to call him by his surname for no reason.
It's not until he's told that Rin only comes in the afternoon that Haru feels like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, he can't find the strength to go back home without having swum with him - and so he waits.
He hears his steps coming before he can even see him. It's nearly 11 AM when finally Rin comes into view. Haru feels a bolt of excitement and of joy in his chest; and the way Rin looks at him and smiles and walks faster to meet him makes his heart beat even faster.
He should have known, by then, that there was something wrong with him, with them. But those feelings were way too foreign for him to truly understand them yet.
"Don't tell me you've been waiting for me, Nanase?"
"Barely," he lies. Rin grins and they get inside, and Haru prays for Sasabe not to be here, or to make a comment about how he had been sitting here for two whole hours.
"Here is my number," says Rin casually as they exit the pool with their hair wet from the shower. "I never come on the same hour because I like to oversleep. I'll call you when I'm ready. That way you won't have to wait for me the whole day."
His tone is playful and cocky; and usually Haru would hate it but he finds out that, with Rin it feels alright. It even feels nice. It suits him well, too well. He shrugs and jerks the thought away; everything suits Rin anyway.
And with his number cautiously kept safe in his memory, the wait until next Monday is easier to bare. They text, a lot on certain days; barely on quickly finds it hard not to talk to Rin every day - he thinks about him too much when he doesn't hear from him, and when he thinks he can't cook well, and then Makoto worries and takes him in his arms.
"You carried your cellphone with you a lot recently." He told him when they're about to change into their night clothes.
"It's because I swim with Rin on Mondays." Haru says, and for him it makes perfect sense but he has absolutely no clue that it sounds like he has missed the point.
Makoto stills for a moment, and Haru pretends he hasn't noticed. Why would he, anyway? Why couldn't he swim with Rin if he wanted to?
"We're just swimming," he says then, and really he doesn't know why he feels the urge to justify his action, to justify the fact that yes, he speaks with Rin, yes he enjoys his company and yes, he likes to swim with him. It's almost as if it was bad, in a way. But as long as it was just about swimming, he wasn't doing anything wrong, was he?
"I know," Makoto says, and then he runs his hand on Haru's back, sensually.
They usually don't get in the mood a lot after all these years but recently, Makoto had been quite demanding - and Haru always gives in, in the end. He wonders why sometimes, why now, why Makoto clings on him so desperately, with when he moves inside him he does with a little less tenderness than before. He wonders, for a short while, and then his eyes get lost on the white ceiling and he drifts away.
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o0o0o
.
It takes him some time but, eventually, Haru finds out about what is wrong with him. With them.
On their forth Monday together Rin is stopped by two girls that he probably knows from before - they want to chat, apparently; and they are smiling abit too much for Haru'staste but it's not like he will speak his mind. It's not a problem; Rin is kind of a celebrity here, Haru knows that and had already witnessed that kind of behavior towards him. After all Rin is nice, easy to talk and really, really good looking.
It's been five minutes now since they've started chatting but still, Haru waits. Even if it's just to walk a minute and then part away, even for such a short time they could spend together, he will always wait for Rin. Because every minute, every second spend with him are precious to him, because they're the last they can have together until the next Monday; they're seconds he likes to cherish - and then the wait will start and Haru finds it harder and harder to bear recently. He has tried to swim alone after a day of work, but without Rin it doesn't feel the same. It does feel a little bit lonely; but usually Haru won't mind that.
It's only after a brief moment that Sasabe coach nudges him.
He hadn't realized he had been staring.
"Ah, I know," he says; and his eyes look envious, "with a body and a face like that I could have had so much more success with the ladies - and just look at the way he smiles, lately. That guy is a lady-killer. Did you know some women only come here on Monday to see him?"
Sasabe's words slide on him like a cool breeze; he isn't listening to him, he never has because his eyes can't get off of Rin's silhouette – and the sight blows his mind away. He already knew that Rin looks good, and that he is handsome and that the way he smiles - his fucking smile - could probably make the whole North Pole melt away in an instant. He has always been aware of Rin's good looks and still, just now it hits him, and it hits him hard, so hard that he literally can't look away from him.
It's one thing to acknowledge someone's beauty; it's an entire other thing to actually feel attracted to that someone. Haru can't move a muscle; his whole body is paralyzed by the thought of liking Rin in a physical way because, it never had happened to him before; and because it feels so wrong and yet so good at the same time.
"Is there something on my face, Nanase? Or did I just catch you staring at my beautiful face?"
Haru almost gasps. Rin's face is just inches away and his eyes are scanning his own as if he was trying to decipher his internal turmoil and so, Haru looks away; his eyes fall on Rin's shoes and he lies, again.
"Barely."
But his heart knows better now.
(He tries to text Rin less after that. The first days he keeps his phone at work just in case there is an emergency but as it stays in his pocket the cellphone burns his thigh. It's mentally tiring and hurting him so in the end he just decides to leave it at home. On Friday night when he comes home late from work after closure – it's already Saturday morning actually, something like 1 AM – he has a message from Rin.
'Did I say something wrong?' it says.
Haru almost misses the strength not to tell him the truth, to tell him that no of course, he didn't do anything wrong apart from existing and that Haru needs some time to deal with that properly. But it surely doesn't make any sense so, he just sends 'No, busy week' instead.
'See you on Monday then?'Rin asks.
Haru waits ten minutes before replying 'Yes' – he doesn't want to sound too eager but really he is. He hasn't realized how much he has missed Rin until he read his text and imagined him saying those words to him. He imagines his voice, the curve of his lips as he would speak, his worried red eyes and his eyebrows arcing in fear of his answer…
He erases them. All of Rin's messages.
Even when he's not physically here, his presence is too much for Haru.)
The Next Monday they both come at the opening of the pool. There is a small message written in capital letters with bad English – it's Sasabe's handwriting. The pool is 'cloused'. Damn the gastroenteritis epidemic.
They stand still, immobile for a while like perfect idiots and even when some people come by and ask then what the matter is; only Rin manages to mumble some kind of explanations as Haru'smind stays blank. So what, are they just going to say goodbye and part like that? There is no reason for Rin to stay with him if the pool is closed, right? If it's not for the swimming then, they don't have any excuses to spend some more time together. Rin scratches the back of his head again – he does that a lot, Haru had noticed – and he wishes it's not because he doesn't know how to get rid of him.
The tips if his fingers already start to feel numb again. Haru even somehow doubts he will make it till next Monday. There are a million other places where they could hang out; but still, the words 'I want to stay with you' can't find their way past his lips. Why is that so hard to ask something so trivial in first place? Why does it have to be so complicated and so much impossible as soon as it concerns Rin?
Why does it have to affect him so much?
Haru can't think of anything to stay to make Rin stay with him. But, it seems Rin has heard his inner voice, and speaks for them both.
"Do you want to hang out to my place?"
And that's how they end up, at 10 AM, together alone watching TV on Rin's couch. The leather seat is old and used to the rope but it's not the reason why Haru feels so uncomfortable. It's exactly as if they hadn't left the pool's entrance. There is nothing on TV except kids show – not that Haru minds – and Rin is so tense, so much on edge that Haru sits far from him, as far as possible on the opposite side of the couch and he fixes the TV screen with all his will just so that he can ignore Rin's attitude.
"I'm…I'm sorry it's just that…" Rin's fists curl into a ball on his thighs, "I'm not used to bring dudes here…without…you know."
"You don't invite friends to your house?" Haru asks innocently.
"Haru when I said 'dudes' I wasn't talking about the friendly kind of dudes."
"…Oh."
It takes him too long to understand, and too long to realize what it could be implying. What if Rin wanted to-
"Don't worry, it's not like I'm gonna jump on you. I'm not an animal – I know you have someone. I have morals."
And then all Haru can think of is that Rin didn't say that he didn't like him that way – he won't try something because 'you have someone' not because 'he doesn't want to' and this kind of changes the way Haru sees the light – the colors – the future - life itself.
They go back on watching TV after that. Haru still can't move a single muscle; it's part from the still very awkward atmosphere and partly because somehow what had said Rin had made him destabilized – he feels from that speech a mixed feeling of excitement, frustration and deception, quickly swallowed by the guilt of wanting another man lusting after him, someone else than he really want Rin to want him that much now? That's new. That's new and dangerous, very dangerous – he should really get out from here before it's too late, before something irreversible happens and starts a storm in his life, a huge storm that could destroy everything he has so far. He should but of course, he doesn't - because deep inside he wants to stay with Rin, even if it feels weird and wrong.
After a few more moments of silence and tension, finally, one of them decides that it's enough.
"I'll go make some tea." Haru mutters; and he gets up before Rin could stop him.
Rinjoins him when he is half way done in the kitchen. Haru had found the kettle but is still looking for the tea pot and the leaves. They're in the cupboard above his head – he feels Rin's warmth irradiating from behind, his chest almost touching his back through the thin material of their shirt, andthenRin gets on his toes and he grasps Haru's shoulder for balance. Haru wants to freeze, really, he doesn't want anything but to be repulsed by Rin's hands and by the way he looks at him and flirts with him and his breathtaking smile but of course he can't be that lucky. His shoulder melts, leans into Rin's touch and then his back falls smoothly on his takes two cups and puts them next to the kettle, and before he withdraws his grip on him Haru is sure that he feels his thumb gently stroking his arm.
"I'll take care of this," he says, with his voice soft and too close to his ear, "go make yourself comfortable."
His inner voice wants to scream that it feels like he'll never be more comfortable than in his arms. He has to do something about that; his inner voice is scaring him when he stays too long too close to Rin.
He wants to meet his gaze but Rin is already showing him his back when Haru turns around. Even when the tea is ready and fuming in their cup, Rinacts normal, as if nothing had happened when it has, really.
Rin is still pretty silent. It's not that Haru minds – it does feel a little bit less awkward since they came back from the kitchen – but as he studies Rin, the way his fingers are crisped on the cup, the way his eyes look lost deep in thought, the way his eyebrows flinch; he easily guesses that the redhead feels uncomfortable. He keeps on studying him as Rin looks everywhere but at him. Then something comes up to his mind and he remembers - something he wanted to ask but never really dared to.
"What happened to your arm?"
There is a scar the shape of a star, all white, just at thetop of his right arm. He often saw it when they were swimming – and he also noticed how his left arm was slightly more powerful than his right – and had always wondered how it got there. Probably on duty but who knows – Rin could have been part of a gang, or a drug dealer, or had broken the wrong heart.
"What? Oh," Rin puts his cup and lifts his arm, "You mean the bullet I guess?"
From then they start to talk casually again. Rin is really thrilled and passionate by his work, it seems; something they both have in common. His smile is back on his face faster than lightening and it's already lunch time before they can notice.
"I don't have a lot," Rin says as he opens the fridge, "Do you want a beer?"
"Why not." He isn't used to drink except on particular events – like, Ran's wedding for example – but everything with Rin sounds like a new adventure so, yeah really why not have a beer with Rin – all of the people – it's not like anything bad could happen between them if he gets drunk. "I'll cook something for you."
"I'm not making you work on your day off Nanase."
"Shut up, you're a pain. I'll cook if I want to."
Rin offers him anuncapped beer. "You know," he says as it's Haru's turn to look into the fridge, "We could go jogging after lunch, if you want to."
Haru's glad that his face is hidden behind the fridge's door. "Ah," he just says, but inside his heart is jolting in his chest at the thought that he is going to spend more time with Rin – and he smiles.
He finds out soon that Rin is way faster than him – Haru hasn't run in a while to be honest and he doesn't really like jogging that much – and the alcohol in his veins isn't quite making things any better. Haru is panting heavily when they come back when Rin is just slightly breathing quicker than usual. It's not fair.
"If you've told me you were that awful at handling alcohol I wouldn't have made you jog. God, Haru, a single beer – okay it was a 7% one but still."
"Shut up."
"Ah ah, someone sounds bitter. Bad loser?"Rin hands him a glass of water. "Stay on the couch; you need something to eat before getting back. Or shall I call Makoto to pick you up?"
"I'll go back alone." Haru sits and tries not to think about Makoto right now – his head hurts too much.
Right now the couch doesn't seem that uncomfortable – it's maybe thanks to the beer and the physical exercise combined – and when Rin joins him and covers him with a soft, dove blanket it feels even better.
"Here." Rin's voice is warm and very soothing; it makes him want to sleep. It's like if he really cares about his well-being – and Haru hides his blush under the soft blanket.
"Sousuke won't be there until a couple of hours, we can watch a movie until you feel better." Rin proposes and so they are, watching one of Rin's favorite films involving water – that was Haru's only condition – and there are sharks and people crying and limbs and blood everywhere – nothing Haru really cares for, especially when he can have the opportunity to stare at Rin the whole time - because he seems pretty excited by the movie and doesn't pay much attention to him.
Shall it be by fatigue or because Haru really yearns for it, but around the middle of the film his head falls on Rin's shoulder and stays here until the end. He feels Rin tense up a brief instant and Haru closes his eyes, enjoying the closeness of their heat.
His mind is pretty fucked up at this point. ByRin, the beer, Rin, his scent, the run, Rin, the fatigue, Rin and Rin only; Haru feels like he is intoxicated and his instincts overtake what was remaining of his thin resolve to avoid any physical and potentially addictive contacts with Rin. Under the blanket he can guess where Rin's hand is. And he gets the silly idea that, what will happen under the blanket will stay under the blanket. It's really stupid but hey, Rin had behaved as if they hadn't touched back in the kitchen the entire day; he is the one who started it, it's not Haru.
He slides his fingers just nextRin's. He isn't touching him, not yet; he just wants Rin to take notice of them and see the way he reacts to his move first. Would he let him touch him, despite what he said this morning? It's a childish wish, again, but it's one of thoseHaru can't resist. When Rin doesn't move an inch he rubs his head against his shoulder again. Rin finally looks at him, hesitantly. And then, it's like he is afraid of him.
Haru stares lazily at him, his inner voice is screaming. 'Take it' it says, 'Take my hand. No one will see, no one will notice, no one will know, not even us if we want to. Take my hand then, the moment you release it forget it had happened. It's alright…it's alright…'
(Except of course, it's not. But it's a truth Haru chooses to ignore.)
Rin looks back at the movie – it's more like he wants to look at something that isn't Haru with his hazy, dark eyes – and Haru almost resigns but then, he feels something tickling his little finger. It's small and hot, incredibly hot – it's Rin'sown finger, caressing his. The heat spreads like wildfire through his arm and chest, and then to his whole body, from his limbs to the tip of his hairs and finally to his groin. God, Rin's finger crossing on his own is enough to make Haru half hard; what would it be when he'll use all of them and more-
There is a cry on the TV, and intense violin music playing in the background – someone had been eaten and suddenly Rin seems to care but Haru really doesn't. His mind is clouded by all these dirty thoughts about Rin and his little finger just curling around his own. He brushes the tip of his fingers against Rin's knuckles, his cheeks are hot and yet he can feel goose bumps forming on his skin. He tries to force himself into Rin's hand, stretching his fingers so that his own could get in between them. He does it slowly, not to brusque him, not to scare him; he fondles them sensually and longingly and when finally Rin surrenders Haru can't help but let out the breath he was holding.
He is totally turned on now just by them holding hands, hidden under the blanket to everyone else's eyes; and Haru still thinks somehow that it's still okay, that it will pass eventually, that he can still go back and erase all of these feelings and yearnings he has for has to be that way; he doesn'thave any other choice left.
But his body seems to ignore what his mind is thinking, again; Haru leans on Rin's shoulder more and grasps his hand harder, as if he wanted to leave his print on him, as if he wanted Rin not to forget about him when he'll be gone. The movie ends shortly after that.
He wants to kiss him, badly. Very, very badly.
"Haru," Rin says, and he hasn't spoken in a while – none of them has – so that his voice sounds hoarse. His eyes are shaking, fearing something; he tries to get away from Haru's hand. And suddenly the heat is gone, long gone and Haru feels cold, hollow and empty. "You should go now; really, just go home." Rin adds, and then Haru doesn't struggle against him when he releases his hand and gets out of the couch.
As he closes the door of his home and goes to the bathtub in a hurry, Haru stays dazed, thinking about what had happened – and what didn't – what he had thought of – and who he didn't think of – and the reminiscence of Rin's skin on his own. The water is hot enough to leave red print of his skin but he doesn't care, doesn't feel it because it nowhere as hot as Rin's hands caressing his own. Haru disappears in his bath, his head touching the end of the tub, and he tries to reorganize his thoughts, to understand, truly, what's happening to him.
Does he wantRin that badly now?
Has he gone mad?
Or was it just the beer and the endorphins rush after they jogged?
Will he stay a coward and refuse to acknowledge the problem or will he face it at the end of the day?
Because, in hindsight and contrary to what he had judged previously; his behavior isn't okay, not at all. He is not just swimming with Rin now. They are flirting. Dangerously flirting and it's scaring him how much he enjoys it – and looks forward to it.
Makoto comes back late this day. Dinner is already served, the table is set; they are some candles in between the dishes and a lot of ginger hidden here and there. Haru isn't the one who initiates thing usually but today he is horny, horny as hell and it pains him to know it's absolutely not because of his love for Makoto – but he kisses him anyway because they are the only lips he'll allowed himself to kiss. He can't wait for them to reach the bed, or the sofa – they make love on the floor just next to the table, and when they finally catch their breath Makoto holds him close to his heart, holds him back when Haru wants to get up to wash the dishes.
"We'll do that tomorrow," he mumbles, and he sighs contently on the crook oh Haru's neck.
He looks happier than he has never been for the past few weeks, Haru realizes as he strokes his hair out of his face once Makoto is fast asleep. He looks happier and Haru knows it's because of him – while on the other hand Haru certainly doesn't feel miserable but not quite happy as well, and deep inside he knows, and he knows he won't be able to ignore this any longer; this, what he has now, is no longer enough.
.
o0o0o
.
Haru isn't sure if he is ready to face Rin, so that's why he comes late at the pool this Monday – that way if he misses him he will have an excuse, he could say something else that 'I messed up last time and I don't really know how to handle being next to you anymore'. He checks his phone every now and then as he paints their new cupboard – another hobby of his – but then, each time that he finds no text from Rin he gets a little bit frustrated. His strokes are messy, and when he finally ruins the painting because of how troubled he is Haru decides it's time to go to the pool.
"Ah, at last you come!" Sasabe greets him. It's nearly 4 PM and the pool is full of people already. "I thought you two got sick."
"Rin didn't come?"
"No, not yet. Did something happen? You look so inseparable these days-"
Haru gets inside and changes, half fearing, half hoping that Rin will come out of the door to bug him, say something like 'I bet you missed me, Nanase' because he really does but Rin doesn't show up today, and Haru stays till the closure to make sure of it – as for why he wanted so bad to be sure that Rin won't be there, Haru prefers not to think about it too much, for he might not like the answer.
"Haru, are you feeling okay?"
"Ah."
When he comes home Makoto is there, Makoto is smiling, Makoto is loving him as strongly as it's humanly possible – probably – and it makes him feel better just to know that he will always be there for him. As soon as he gets into his arms though, it devastates him, that he can't love him back as much.
"I see you painted, it looks great, as usual."
"I messed it up."
Even if it's true Makoto doesn't say anything, he just smiles and reassures him, endlessly; because it's just how he is. Their relationship had always been this way. Even if Haru messes up Makoto will be okay with that, because it's Makoto and his dearest dream is for them to be together forever, throughout everything – even if he has to suffer and to keep his own feelings to himself in the process, as long as Haru is here he doesn't mind anything and Haru wants to scream. Is this really how things are supposed to be?
Will they really be happy that way?
Could Makoto bear with him if he tells him about Rin?
And could he ever bear to break Makoto's heart?
Haru has never felt so torn in his entire life. It doesn't get easier when he gets a new message from Rin while Makoto is taking his bath and Haru can't help but think 'finally' and be happy about it.
'I'm sorry. Couldn't get to the pool today. Hope you haven't waited for me all day :p.' It says.
He wishes he knew how to act so coolly like Rin does every time he needs it.
Rin…
The way he smiles, the way he moves. The feel of his skin on his own, the brightness of his voice singing in his ears, the assurance in his flaming gaze when he looks at him without blinking. How he can make him feel invincible when they're together, how he literally lights something in Haru's chest as soon as they race. How Haru misses him as soon as they part. How Haru is so fond of him after such a short amount of time...
He adores Rin. He adores him so much; he's found his way under his skin and now Rin can't get off of his mind – he is everywhere, in everything Haru sees, in everything he feels or touches, even when is with Makoto his mind can't stop but think about Rin.
He looks at his hand, at his little finger, the one which had touched Rin first – and the only thought of that moment sends him chills down his spine – and his mind isn't that torn when he answers him, in all honesty.
'I missed you.'
It's other step he takes, closer to the line he shall never cross – but he hasn't reach it yet, so he doesn't care and continues to lure himself a little bit further into the illusion that they still have enough safety margin to use.
(But they never had some to begin with.)
.
o0o0o
.
Haru never noticed before that there were some brown bands on Rin's swimsuit – on his inner thighs, to be more precise. They are sit next to the pool, their legs in the water, and they watch people swimming past them – well, Rin does, because Haru's eyes are glued on Rin's thighs.
He wants to lie down and take a nap on them.
They look so muscular and yet so soft and comfortable. It's like they are calling for him. The fact that they are sitting pretty close to each other doesn't have anything to do with the way Haru acts around him anymore – it's insane, but Haru likes Rin more than he had imagined he could and after his smile and his little finger, Haru is now fascinated by his thighs.
He comes at peace with this, really. He likes Rin. There is nothing wrong about that – as long as he just likes him and doesn't touch him, he decided, he can't do something wrong, so it's okay to stare so openly at other male's body. Everybody does stare a Rin anyway. Why not him?
(It never occurs to him that Rin might be another human being and that he might have an opinion to share about this and that he might even have feelings too but hey it's Haru and his mind is fucked up because of Rin so he really, doesn't want to care for him more than he already does right now.)
Haru's gaze is still lost on Rin's thigh – and it goes higher, just a little bit higher, just in between his legs and then he stops breathing for a short moment – when he feels something hot against his ear. It's Rin's breath. His face is very close to his, he can even feel the tip of his eyelashes brushing past his hair.
"Haru…" Rin's lips move against his earlobe, moist from the pool, "Haru you should stop staring at me like that." He breathes, and to Haru it sounds like a moan – Rin moans his name in his ears and then the world starts spinning too fast for him – and he can't love a muscle, he cannot even tear his eyes off of Rin's groin. His whole body feels like shivering as soon as Rin moves so close to him.
"Don't look at me with your hot eyes like that, as if you want me badly." Rin devilishly runs his lips on Haru's ear, "You're turning me on, Haru."
'You're the one who drove me crazy first' he wants to reply, bitterly – because really he can't do anything when Rin is near him, he used to a long time ago; when he hadn't touched his hand or run with him or found him fucking attractive or seen his smile or just fucking swum with him but now he can't because Rin is overwhelming, Rin presence his eating him alive and it's destroying all of his defenses and beliefs and morals and everything he thought he knew about life and love.
Haru jumps into the pool, without any kind of warning. He is safe here. Rin can't reach him. Water has always been his best ally. It will hide the blush on his cheek, the pouting in his chest, and if he closes his eyes and makes a wish maybe it will even makes his stupid huge crush on Rin go away.
He doesn't think for a second that Rin would chase after him.
Or that he would cup his chin and make him look straight into his eyes.
He opens his mouth, air bubblesflee away as he speaks his name – even in the water he can guess it's what Rin's saying because of the way his lips move, or just because, what else could he say? – and then his hands are on each side of his face, his thumbs stroking his cheekbones lovingly – he leans in.
Rin's lips are hot and needy against his. Haru feels numb for a moment, he doesn't move or respond, nor does he push Rin away – he doesn't have the strength to because right now his mind is just blank – but, oh well, what happens in the water stays in the water, right?
He curls his hands around Rin's wrists and they share their very first kiss under the surface – and it's everything he would have asked for a first kiss before Makoto stole it from him. They kiss for what seem to be an eternity before they remember how to breathe.
But as they surface, the spell starts to shatter into pieces. Their breathing is laborious. Their eyes are darkened with lust until they take notice of the world living all around them. People are swimming, chatting, walking; the sun is shining outside and the air feels cold against their skin. Haru wants more, he desperately needs more but he knows it's something he can't ask for because people are staring-
Makoto never comes to his mind, not before a whole second; and suddenly he is afraid. Afraid that he's just crossed that line he was forbidden to overpass to keep being sane and now, it's over. It's all over he can't go backwards. He had kissed Rin and now he knows he won't be able to stop.
Rin's hands leave his face; he motions him to follow him in the locker room. He is holding his hand and walking fast ahead of him. What does he want to do? Can they have sex in the shower when so many people are around and could interrupt them? Because Haru really wants to – he wants Rin like he has never wanted anything else in his life.
Rinpins him against a wall as soon as he finds a deserted place and his tongue is hungry to taste him. He is such a good kisser. He licks his bottom lip, begging for entrance and Haru gladly lets him in – their hands are tangled in their hair and they crunch and push on each other's mouth with so much passion that Haru is afraid of leaving bruises on Rin – but it doesn't happen because they hear someone coming in the hall where they stand.
They part away at the speed of sound. The absence of Rin's lip on him is barely bearable. It makes him ache on his chest – his stomach – his head – Rinoh Rin – and Makoto as well – what has he done – how could he – it's too late now – he feels sick, so sick and then,Haru starts to panic.
Their kiss isn't something he will be able to deny, or to forget; it's printed forever in his mind heart and soul and soon enough Makoto will find out because, Makoto can read in his soul so well after all these years – seven years, really he had just thrown away seven years and even more for a kiss, for Rin, for a man he barely knows,and for fucks sake how could he have done such a terrible thing?
"Woa, hum, that was, ah," Rin scratches the back of his head but he is smiling from ear to ear. "We should probably…talk about this-Haru, are you-"
"Move."
He pushes Rin away andruns. He throws up in the nearest bin he finds on his way. Haru hears Rin coming for him; he curses and tries to hide it but it's too late now – too late for everything.
"Don't," he says before Rin could even touch him.
"Haru, I-"
"Don't touch me!"
Rin's hand freezes half way towards his back. The silence is only broken by Haru's heavy pants as he tries to control his nerves. He feels like his insides are being torn away from him, as if Rin has cut his belly and taken out his organs one by one.
"I…shouldn't have-"Haru struggles to say.
"Yeah I got the message…"
Rin voice is bitter; it's broken and sour, so sour, it's turning Haru's stomach upside down even more.
"It was a mistake, right?"
Rin's voice is as clear as crystal; he doesn't seem torn, like everything he does in his life he already knows where he wants to go, what he truly wants and Haru is so envious of him right now. If only, for just a brief moment, if only he could be like him.
He can't find half the strength Rin's got to give him a proper reply. He tries to nod, and hopes it's enough – and of course because it's Rin, it is.
"Was it…have I been a mistake all along?"
"Rin please…just go."
"Really? That's how you are, how you truly are in the end. You devoured me with your bright blue eyes, you leaned on me you even took my fucking hand and then you…you…"
Rin is still pretty close to him. Haru can't see it because his back is turned to him but still, he can hear his voice so clearly as if he was just talking directly to his ear. He hears him sniff, choke back some tears; it breaks his heart more than anything
"Never mind."Rin ends up saying. "This is a mistake; it has always been a mistake to begin with, how stupid have I been just to believe you will – we should – forget about me okay? It's better…it's better for everyone…"
Haru can't find his voice. He knows he will cry if he tries to speak.
"…God Haru, say something! It can't mean nothing to you, right?" Rin yells, "I can't be nothing to you!"
But Haru still can't speak, and so Rin leaves him; and as soon as his footsteps are far enough for him to be long gone, Haru empties the rest of this stomach to the bin.
.
o0o0o
.
He closes the restaurant the following day. Makoto insists that he can take care of him but Haruis stubborn, he needs to be left alone, he needs Makoto to be as far as possible because he is about to confess everything to him and he can't afford to lose him either.
He needs to feel alone. He needs time to missRin – he wants to miss him and to feel miserable about the loss, because it's the only thing he has left to be reminded of him.
At the end of the week, Haru barely walks on his feet. Makoto stars to get dramatically worried – he had even called Rei, who is just a scientist and not a doctor; and Haru is glad he hasn't called Nagisa because he would have guessed what the problem really was – and he doubts the stomach pain scenario will work a lot longer. He really has to do something about it. He cannot just look at his phone and wait for Rin to miraculously answer his texts, it's obvious that he won't now, it's been four days.
He goes to work, makes to closure; it feels nice to live a little. It helps to make up his mind, finally.
It's not enough. It's still not enough – he needs to talk with Rin about what is really going on between them. He needs to know, before he can make a choice, before he decides if he will forget about Rin or if he won't.
.
o0o0o
.
He goes to the pool first in the beginning of the afternoon; butRin isn't there.
"No, I didn't see him today either." Sasabe tells him. "Is there something going on with Rin, lately?"
Haru ignores him and leaves the pool immediately. It doesn't even surprise him, the fact thatRin didn't come; after all he wanted to be forgotten, didn't he? So going back to the place where they have met, swum and kissed was the last thing Rin would have hadn't tried to call him, but it's simply because he doesn't really know what to say yet; neverthelessHaru is sure he'll find the right words when they would face each other somehow.
He had only come once to Rin's place but he already knows the path by heart. He stands before the wooden door and surprisingly his fingers aren't shaking. He thought he would be afraid, terribly terrified to see Rin again – to face him, not knowing what will come out of their confrontation – but his mind is clear, and maybe even blank.It's as if knowing that the wait will finally come to an end here and now makes him feel better and erases the dread in his heart.
He rings, the door opens and time stops.
Rin has a cute ponytail; he is wearing his black leggings, the one he uses to jog and stuck to his thighs. All his muscles are tensed just by the sight of Haru coming to his house and his face looks hurt; confused, surprised and definitely hurt. For a second Haru considers leaving, running to his house and really forgets everything what had happened between them, considering how disappointed Rin looks to see him here.
But he can't take that step back.
The idea of living a life without Rin seems ridiculous; it seems like a bad joke or a terrible nightmare now that he stands flesh and bones in front of him. How could he have thought a second that it would be easy, possible or even realistic to forget about Rin? To take him out of his life now that he knows the softness of his hands, the curve of his lips, the way he kisses passionately, and how much his eyes could burst into flames even time he stares at him – and he had been a fool not to see them before, since the very first moment their fate had been sealed.
"You didn't go swimming."
It's miles away from all the things he aches to say – to yell, to shout at Rin – but he has to find something to start the conversation with -without hurting Rin more than he already did.
But Rin had always been the straight forward one, from the start."What do you want?" He doesn't want to make a detour; he goes straight to the point even before Haru could get a chance to set a foot inside.
"…You didn't answer my calls. We need to talk."
Rin shakes his head, and looks away.
"Maybe it's a little bit too late for that, don't you think? Last time I wanted to you shoved me away – why would I want to listen to you now?"
Haru curls his fist as he catches the rudeness of Rin's voice and choice of words.
"Rin, please…"
He thought the words would come, would flow like water out of a fountain but he was wrong. His mind is still at loss of words even with Rin in front of him – he knows now what he wants better but still, how to express his complex and mixed feelings was an entire other story. "I told you I was sorry. At least let me in. We can't end up like that."
Rin's hand is still grasping the door, tightly, and his pressure doesn't decrease one bit after Haru's little speech – on the contrary.
"Fine," he surrenders at last, and Rin doesn't look pleased at all; it leaves a bitter taste in Haru's mouth but at least they'll be able to talk, and maybe he'll find the words Rin needs to hear to smile again. "But remember there was never a 'we' between you and me."
Haru leaves his shoes in the little place under the sets reserved for the guests and waits for Rin, a little bit confused, as the host takes off his own running shoes on the stairs. Their eyes are glued on the floor between them, separating them like a huge barrier when really it's just air; it will only take a small contraction of his arm's muscle and a good dose of courage for Haru to come closer and to cup Rin's chin, to make him look at him straight in the eyes. He lacks that courage, unfortunately; but yet he doesn'tresign. He didn't come here to stare at Rin's humpy parquet and stay tight as a clam – and so, he speaks, finally.
"I think I might like you."
Rin's shoe falls from the third step where he sits to the ground. "What?" He says, and he doesn't sound upset or incredibly happy but really as if he hasn't heard it right the first time.
"I…I think," is all Haru can say. He feels stupid. God he had already said it once now, it's not that hard to repeat it dammit.
"You might?"
"Yeah."Haru laughs nervously – it does sound more like a dead animal noise, especially when Rin's laugh is so melodious. "I might."
"This is stupid." Rin takes his second shoe off and puts it next to the first one.
"I know."
"You're stupid."
"Shut up."
And without realizing it he had taken it. That burst of courage he thought he lacked of, the step forward, towards Rin and now he is cupping his chin; his red eyes are shining – and it makes Haru thinks of that stupid catch phrase, the one with the thief the father and the stars and the sky; and of how it suits Rin well at this moment, like anything else – and soon Haru makes them close. He is the one initiating the kiss this time, and this feels too good not to be right.
(If it was really that wrong to kiss Rin it would feel horrible. It would turn his stomach upside down and make his brain explode. It would certainly not make him hot just like that time when they'd raced without knowing each other, it would not make his whole body shiver with something unknown to him, it would not make him so happyhe could cry.)
The kiss lasts longer than expected. There's no tongue or teeth involved, just their lips on each other, the force of want and despair crushing them together. When Haru breaks it he thinks he hears Rin laugh; was it that bad? It's not that Haru isn't confident about his kissing ability – wait, actually he is, he has only kissed Makoto and surely he wouldn't have told him if he was doing something bad; and suddenly Haru has something else to worry about.
"I thought you wanted to talk." He finally says, and his smile is back on his face – it's a small, weak and shy smile, the kind of smile youtry so hard to repress but shows up anyway and Haru doesn't care as long as it's sincere, and this one really is and it's like a magic spell. He kissed the smile, again, as if he wanted to be part of it, to drown in it, to swallow it and to swallow Rin entirely.
"I thought I could forget about you, too. I'm not someone to trust, it seems." Haru caresses Rin's hair away from his face. "Do we really need to?"
He knows what he wants, and it's not something he needs to express with words, not anymore. Rin's smile grows wider; he doesn't speak either and leans in, linking their bodies together again.
"You know," he says between their heated kisses, "It's might sound crazy to you but-" He grasps the back of Haru's head, caressing the soft black hair there and bents his head on the right, to deepen the kiss more easily, "But I think I might really, really like you too."
He bites on Haru's bottom lip gently. Haru moans. He doesn't know where he is anymore, where they are – uncomfortably laying on the stairs, as it is – but it feels good; it's a place where he wants to go more, a place he will gladly melt Rin feels incredibly nice; and still soon he finds out it's not enough anymore. His fingers are lost in the flaming hair of Rin and he leaves his lips, wandering on his cheeks and jaw, licking his ear lobe and taking it in his mouth. Rin whines under his touch; it's making him go crazy.
"Haru…" He moans as his hands slides down his body and then up under his clothes.
"…Rin," he murmurs in his ear – he doesn't really know what to do, honestly; maybe Rin is the kind of guy who is being turned on by listening to his name being moaned so, why not? - and then proceeds to kiss his way to his chin.
"No I mean – aah – Haru wait."
Rin sits up, his hand still hidden under Haru's white t-shirt. He slowly takes it out, not without caressing the toned skin with his feverish fingers and enjoying the touch – Haru can see it painted on his face;he loves the sight Rin is giving him – and then, he joins their foreheads together, roughly.
"Haru…" Rin repeats again, "you might want to reconsider this again." His hand caresses his thigh and then grasps Haru's, and makes it travel down Rin's body – his chest, his belly, his – oh. "Haru, if you kiss me again I swear I won't be able to stop myself, there will be no turning back. Are you really sure you won't regret this in hindsight?"
He can feel Rin painfully hard under his hand. He can see the darkness and the lust in his eyes; the way his heart beats faster and faster each time he touches him, how much his breathing is chaotic ever since they have started kissing. Rin is probably even more aroused than him and still, he is the one who thinks about the situation, for them both, for Haru's safety, for his well-being for his happiness; he puts him first and yet there is something inside Haru that wants to punch him.
How could he think a second that they can still go backwards if they stop everything now?
There was never a safe line. It couldn't be determined by a look, an evening spent together, a gentle kiss or passionate ones. There has never been a way back for them – for Haru, in any case, and he wishes it was the same for Rin as well. Because ever since he had felt his finger tickling and going numb when Rin had swum with him, it was at that time that things had been decided for him. He would have lived all his life looking for him if he hadn't metRin the following week.
So he presses his hand harder of Rin's crotch and silences his moan with a kiss – and then, only seconds later they are on Rin's bed and everything happens so fast and so slow at the same time.
Rin is on top of him, eating on the side of his neck, and Haru doesn't need to tell him to be careful not to leave any traces – he already knows and so, his touch is eager but gentle; he doesn't bite but kiss, his teeth just slightly brushing on the sensitive skin and it's making him feel so good– as his hands goes directly to Haru's pants. Haru wants to help but Rin takes off the belt with a godlike speed and tosses it on the bed.
"I'm sorry, I can't wait any longer," he murmurs, as if it was a terrible thing.
Haru doesn't have his words to say. The moment Rin gets off of him he tried to catch him back but it's only to find out that he is taking his bottom down – oh, already, already? – and when he comes back, cock hard and licking soiling on his black t-shirt, it's only to release Haru's. "Sorry," he keeps on saying, and he really looks on fire when he does, "Sorry I'm so sorry but Sousuke can come back anytime and God Haru I want you so bad I've wanted you for so long."
As he starts to stroke him Rin licks onhis lips, before exploring Haru's mouth hungrily. He responds with the same vigor, his hands on Rin's back slowly getting lower, caressing his sides – Rin jumps at the touch – to finally take a firm grip on his ass. But, Rin's fingers are already busy there; he is fingering himself and for a moment Haruwonders why – because, and he really isn't proud of this but he has never, with Makoto he has never been the top, he had never asked to be and it never occurs to him that with Rin it would be any different.
Rin leaves his mouth to kiss his chest through his clothes, his abdomen, his belly and the birth of his hips. He sticks his noise near Haru'scrotch and smells him – Haru would have gladly found that gross if he wasn't in an altered state of mind at the moment – and then, he takes Haru's cock into his hand. He licks it, from its birth to the tip. Haru grasps on the sheets tougher.
He licks it again and then takes it in his mouth, his hands firmly holding his hips on the bed. Rin's mouth is hot – but that he already knows, he had been there already – and his tongue is running through his length, lubricating every inch of it.
It's only when Rin retired that Haru understand the purpose of all this."Don't you have lube?" He says, his voice low and aroused.
"Yeah…certainly…" Rin answers; his mind is clouded too; it seems he doesn't even know where he lives anymore – or where he had put his lube. "But I can't look for it now." He kisses him one last time and then, he positions himself.
Haru doesn't move a muscle as he watches Rin, his thigh upright and Haru's cock in his hand, guiding it to his entrance. He can't move because he is mesmerized by the sight and when finally Rin takes the tip inside him, the feeling is so overwhelming, so new, so unexpected that he just freezes; he shots his other senses out – closes his eyes, stops breathing, stops everything – to concentrate on this feeling Rin is making him experience. Rin is tight around him, that's not a surprise considering how little preparation he got – and it's even surprising that he isn't crying in pain right now, with Haru half way inside him. Still he doesn't stop, or take time to adjust; Rin impaled himself on Haru, he hides a cry of pain but it's just how much he couldn't wait for that, to feel Haru inside him, that's just how much he craved for it.
Rin stays still, for a few seconds – recovering – and Haru mimics him, but it's just because he literally can't decide what to do. He wants to feel Rin moving around him but his mind and body won't listen to him. It's like if he was entirely on automatic pilot mode already, and when Rin finally moves and rides him and drives him crazy he just does what he can to follow his rhythm. It's absolutely and utterly crazy; the rocking of Rin's hips is driving him to a state of bliss he had never reached before. The while ceiling he looks at doesn't even look straight, and he can see burst of fluorescent colors – pink, green, yellow lines – repainting it as Rin starts to moan each time their groin join. They didn't have the energy to kiss. It's all too fast, and too slow at the same time; Haru feels his orgasm coming at the speed of light and he takes Rin's hand in his. He jolts his hips to meet his moves. Their fingers turn white for they grasp on each other too much.
Rin's face is completely red now; he has probably never looked so beautiful before. "Ahh-Haru," he chokes, "I'mgonna cumHaru."
Both of their remaining hands end up stroking Rin haphazardly; but in spite of their work it's Haru who comes first. His whole body tenses and for a moment he can't see anything, his whole world has turned white and when he comes back to his sensesRin his painting heavily on his chest, their fingers still entwine and wet by their sweat.
It was short. They didn't last long but it was intense; it was so powerful that Haru needs several minutes to recover, to feel all his limbs again, to feel like a human being and not some sort of divinity laying in Rin's embrace. And in this moment of grace and plenitude, Rin's face comes to his, and he kisses him with the same passion and eagerness than before they had sex, and to Haru it's almost sound like a promise; the promise that he will never have enough of him no matter how many times they see each other. Rin's tongue keeps on playing with him, licking his lips; Haru cups his cheeks and adds more pressure. Their noses collide, but it's not like they care. They only stop kissing when Haru feels his lips getting all red and swollen – he never knew it could literally hurt to kiss too much before he metRin.
Rin sighs on the crook of his neck tenderly. "I'm sorry," he says; Haru wonders why he apologizes – because really he hasn't recovered from his orgasm yet, Rin has nothing to be sorry about in that matter – "I'm not that…impatient usually but…" Rin caresses his face and put some dark locks out of Haru's face. He is smiling, widely; it warms something in Haru's chest. "You got me all fucked up, I guess."
"It's okay." He says. Rin laughs a bit.
"You're still so tense, Haru. If it wasn't from your body language I would even think you didn't like it."
He nibbles on his ear lobe. Haru looks away. There is a small pause then, when the both of them just look blankly around and enjoy each other's breathing getting back to normal. The sky soon starts to lose his bright blue color. Haru notices Rin's head getting up to look at the time; it's almost 6 PM. It's time for Haru to leave.
"Say, Haru. What do we do now?"
The silence that follows is a comfortable one; and it's astonishing that Haru doesn't even feel bad, even after the afterglow is gone. He looks at the ceiling. The flashy colors are long gone too. Rin is warm in his arms, he feels good and the whole situation feels like a dream. It feels like being happy, really being happy; it's not something that he wants to forget. That feeling, he wants to cherish it, to grow it and to make it bloom even brighter every time.
"I need to take a shower." He says instead of voicing his thoughts.
"Ugh. Not romantic."
"It's not my fault if you came on my t-shirt."
Rin makes a small squeak and jumps out of Haru. They laugh. They both take a pillow and start a fight, as if they were 12 years old, as if they were all innocent and it's been so long since Haru hasn't felt alive like that.
But eventually, life has to go back to normal.
Just as he'd gotten out of the pool that day, as soon as Haru gets alone in the shower to take Rin's scent out of his skin, the water that runs on his tired body feels numb. The bliss of the first flutters of the heart is no more. Now, it's time to talk; it's time to behave like an adult and to face his responsibilities - it all feels so insignificant now that he had the chance to taste Rin's lips…
"You're going to be fine?" Rin asks as they get back downstairs. He had gotten him a new white T-shirt.
"I'm the one doing the laundry, Makoto won't notice."
"Are you sure about that?"
He wants to be, but frankly Makoto knows him so well that he might very well noticed the difference of the fabric of any of his plain T-shirts.
"I'll call you tomorrow."
"No,"Rin says, and Haru's eyes widen in fear, "Text me instead.I'll be with Sousuke all day;we won't be able to talk freely."
He nods. They are at the doorstep; the soles of his feet are burning. He wants to kiss him goodbye, but people are walking outside, people could see them and it's another piece of reality that he'll have to deal with relationship with Rin, whatever is it now, it has to stay a secret; it's something that will never get out of Rin's room. But it's all they will ever have, so Haru can't mind about such details – after all the most important things happen inside, so why would he care? Why does it feel lonely all of a sudden to talk to Rin without touching him?
He takes a step backward. He can barely look at him in the eyes. "Okay then. Goodbye."
"Yeah, goodbye Haru."
Haru drags his feet home, and literally crawls in the bathtub when it's only half full. The T-shirt Rin gave him smells like him. He washes it reluctantly before going to the kitchen.
"Haru? I'm home!"
Makoto smiles at him, they eat in a dreadful silence and when finally they are alone in bed, it's only then that it strikes him. Makoto kisses him goodnight, and his whole body shivers but it's definitely not from 's kisses are nowhere near as idyllic as Rin's. It's that irreversible thing Haru had wanted to avoid above had tasted the forbidden fruit that were Rin's lips and now he knows he will never be able to enjoy anything else. The lights are out, and he is grateful; because there is nothing else but fear painted on his face. How is he going to face that? How is he going to cope with living with Makoto, touching him, kissing him and making love to him now that he knows how wonderful it feels with Rin, without making him notice?
(Haru doesn't sleep that night. He goes to work with bags under his eyes – Makoto doesn't say anything but he knows there is something wrong with him, probably. And the worst in all this, in this mess that had become his sentimental life, is that he had never missed Rin so much than on this Tuesday morning, when they brush their teeth together, and that his toothpaste tastes of puke.
Haru spits it in the sink when Makoto is done; he glances at the mirror and sees the reflection of his face, and how terrible he looks. It's only been one day, and honestly, Haru has really no idea of what he is doing.
Heonly hopes from the bottom of his heart that it will all end up well for the three of them.)
If only he knew.