Mondays

by QueenPotatos

Everything happens on Mondays Aka The story of how Sousuke meets Makoto, and then invites him and his boyfriend Haruka to have dinner with him and Rin at a stupid sushi bar, and of how that might be the decision he will regret all his life.

3. Haru's Mondays Part Two

Q: Since I can't add any space I'll use the break line. Hope this chapter is worth the wait. It's kinda long.

Haru's Mondays - Part Two

The sunlight feels too bright for Haru's tired eyes as it hits on the glass of the Distant Ocean's veranda. He doesn't sleep well lately. And as for why he's been such a wreck, between the shame of having sex with Rin and the sorrow of not feeling the warmth of his flesh against his own at night, Haru can't make up his mind on what plays the major role yet. He checks his phone every now and then. Dealing with hiding it from Makoto and his own feelings at the same time consumed too much of his energy and it ended up being an impossible task for him; so he had sought for answers and advices - he still cannot explain this behavior yet but in spite of the wrongness of his actions, he had texted Rin. It sounds so hypocritical, but Haru couldn't think of anyone else to find the reassurance he desperately needed. It feels awful to be such a sentimental crap, to be such a hopeless guy when it comes to love and feelings; especially about his own.

'But what can I do about it?' It's the last text he had sent, about an hour ago; Rin is slow to reply this time. The answer finally comes shortly after he checked.

'Relax, or he'll find out.' It says. It's short and doesn't do much for him - Haru frowns in exasperation.

'It's not that simple. If only he could be as good as-'

Haru writes the text, but never sends it.

He feels horrible enough to even think about it that way; but at the same time it's a fact, an irrefutable fact that can't be denied when Haru's own body which had melt under Rin's touch now freezes every time Makoto caresses him the way lovers do. And so, as he tries to avoid any physical contact lasting more than mere seconds with his boyfriend during all this week; Haru pretends to work on new recipes at night, not to join him on the couch, and texts Rin instead.

(Even if it's not the same as being in his arms, talking with Rin eases his mind and restless body a little bit; and this little improvement is enough to give him the vital strength he needs to face the situation - to face Makoto - to face the fact that he is committing adultery. )

---

'Do you regret doing it with me?' Rin sends him one day at the end of the week.

As soon as he read it something bursts in Haru's chest. Something hot and violent; he suddenly feels very angry and erases Rin's message, not really knowing why. He only finds out later at work. Could it be that Rin is the one regretting it? Does he really think Haru would do those kind of immoral things with anybody? Could Rin be not so serious about them?

It's not a thought he can keep calm with in the long run, and so when Monday comes again, Haru is really eager to see Rin face to face.

---

He rings the doorbell that day, balancing on his feet in a way that shows nothing but impatience and nervousness. When Rin appears behind the wood frame he looks as if he was just answering the postman - he doesn't even look pleased to see him, what the hell?

"Hi." Rin says, sounding too casual when he greets Haru. "Take off your shoes."

But it doesn't matter how furious he is. It doesn't matter because it's Rin, and just like every time he sees him there is this insidious and invisible force he can't resist, some kind of magic spell and Haru can't get his eyes off of him. The way his lips move, the way he motions him to follow him to the living room, all of Rin's movements are graceful, elegant and fluid; he had somehow managed to look even more attractive than before within one week.

Haru saunters near Rin with his mind clouded by an unexpected and sudden rush of lust, pushing away any kind of rational thoughts he could have had. His arms soon find the small of his back, and Rin's fully lips are being assaulting before he had time to propose Haru something nice to drink.

They quickly end on the couch, their shirts falling to the floor, forgotten in the haze of their passion. Haru feels like starving. His mouth sucks on Rin's skin at the base of his neck, licks and bites as he climbs to his chin. His tongue is hungry for Rin's taste and soon it finds his lips again. As they kiss roughly, Haru's hands travel down his body and undress Rin, his pants and boxers following his shirt in the process.

Rin had felt more distant, so much far away from him during this whole week. He had felt like a dream he wouldn't be able to reach again; but now that Haru knows he's been wrong and that Rin's skin is hot against his, he can't find the resolve to slow down his pace. Just like last time, everything happens in a rush. They make love quickly on the couch.

But this time Haru is the one taking action, the one moving inside Rin. It's only because of what he does that Rin moans, that his face his distorted with bliss, that Rin comes on both of their stomach in a muffled cry, his whole body shaking slightly with overwhelming pleasure.

Haru finishes silently and retires, his lips dropping a kiss on Rin's forehead. He thinks he saw tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "Did I hurt you?" He asks, because he hadn't been very gentle, he realized afterwards.

"No, not really." Rin says then, his voice free from harm and pain. His hands take Haru's face and drag it on his chest; Haru listens to his decreasing heartbeat for a while.

They stay naked under the blanket for what seems to be hours - or maybe for more, because at some point Haru hears Rin's stomach growling and when he looks at the time, it's almost noon already.

"Do you want me to cook for you?"

"I already told you, I won't make you work on your free day, Nanase."

"Don't call me that way," Haru scowls, taking Rin's hand in his. He kisses its back and each of its fingers before leaning into it, his eyes studying Rin's face for any kind of reaction he might get. "It doesn't feel like working when I cook for you."

Rin just silently looks back at him, and after a few moments Haru spots him trying to repress one of his smiles that might have the power to change the face of the world. It reaches the corner of his mouth.

"What?" He scowls again.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?" Haru repeats, impatient.

"You know. That." Is he imagining the blush on Rin's face?

Haru's frown deepens. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Really?"

Haru rolls his eyes - meaning 'Obviously you moron' and he is sure Rin will get the message right - and points his half exasperated face away from Rin. The redhead moans, as if he was in terrible pain. Haru sighs.

"What again?"

"It's your eyes."

"What about them?" Haru leans on his elbows, his face now at the same level with Rin's.

"It's...the way you look at me - well, not really; you stare, you know." Haru lifts his eyebrow in surprise. "Really Haru you never realized that? It's so fucking obvious. You always stare at me with your bright blue eyes and each time you do I feel like you are undressing me and checking me out, rudely. There were even times when I really, really thought you were going to jump on me in front of everybody, you know." Haru makes a face, an unamused one that immediately ejects a laugh from Rin.

"What's the problem with the way I like to look at you?" He mutters, slightly embarrassed now that he remembers his small talk with Coach Sasabe, weeks ago.

"Nothing," Rin says, he sounds amused by the whole situation it seems, "It's just that you probably had no idea of how it made me feel."

Rin sits up, dragging Haru along with him in the process; his arms fall behind Haru's neck. "Every Monday I saw you devouring me with those eyes of yours and it makes me wonder what was really happening behind them. And every Sunday nights I went to bed wondering if you'll do something, if there would be something else than your eyes burning on my skin this time and I couldn't help but get very, very excited, each time I thought about you."

Rin nibbles on his ear, and Haru turns his head away, hiding his blush from him. Even Rin had noticed before he did...his attraction to Rin…is that really something that was never meant to be fought off?

Then suddenly, Rin becomes too much. Too much warmth, too much touching, too much of everything - too much feeling - and so Haru abruptly stands up and leaves Rin completely naked on the couch, for the blanket has followed his feet when he has left the secure place.

"I'm going to make lunch."

(It has made him feel warm again, to think about Rin liking him that way for such a long time.)

"Na-naked?" Rin gasps, his glance not dropping from one second to the round sight Haru displays in front of his eyes.

He shrugs. "Of course not. Don't you have an apron?"

He finds a red one hanged near the fire place - it looks like a kid's one, it's full of small pink hearts and there is a shark on the front pocket - and then he begins to cook.

---

Minutes later Rin joins him. He had put his trousers on - unfortunately - and he hums as he hugs Haru from behind. Haru leans into his chest. It feels good, just staying there, silently cooking under Rin's watch - but then, Rin's hand goes down to his naked butt, and he caresses them, touches them but to Haru it doesn't feel sensual, on the contrary there is nothing exciting or arousing in the way Rin is touching him right now.

"Haru, have you lost some weight?"

His grip on the long knife he is using to cut them some vegetables tightens frankly. Sure, he maybe feels more loose in his pants lately, and he has started to use a belt when he had never needed one before, but it's not as if it's an important detail; unless if Rin doesn't like skinny man Haru really doesn't give a shit about his looks.

Rin holds him closer, his arms curling around his slender waist. His head rests on Haru's shoulder, "Are you alright?" he murmurs with concern. "I'm sorry to say that, but you do look kind of shitty today."

Haru doesn't need to be told so. He has seen his face in the mirror this morning, he is the one walking up at night because he feels too hot when Makoto holds him, he knows too well how tired his body is. Between the sleepless nights and overworked hours, he just knows that he can't look fine.

"It's because I missed you," he says, and for him it's not entirely a lie, but still he doubts it's enough to justify his dreary state.

Rin tightens his embrace even more; if it's only out of concern or because he had felt the turmoil inside his heart, Haru will never know. But what he is sure of now is the tenderness and all the caring looks Rin gives him. They are nothing like his normal, burning gaze on him, no, this time Rin's eyes feel sharp and smoothing at the same time; all his goodness penetrates him like an arrow through his heart and it makes Haru want to disappear in them, to melt with Rin and to never go out of his arms so that they can stay forever in that state of beatitude, lost in each other's glance.

Haru turns in Rin's embrace and takes the redhead's chin in his hand delicately. Rin's gaze is studying him for a moment until he finally notices what Haru wants him to see.

"You're staring at me again."

"I know." Haru says, impassible.

"What is that for?" Rin asks with an ounce of suspicion hidden in his voice.

"I want you."

"I know that," Rin scowls; he tried to get away from Haru's grip but the stubborn man he is won't let him.

"I want you inside me."

Rin looks like he had been hit by thunder. Haru even sees some of his hair raising on his head. The hand on his ass feels warm and wet, and Haru takes it and makes it travel on his front.

"I-I you - okay hum - but like - now?" Rin stammers. It's not like his reaction displeased Haru, to be honest Rin looks kind of cute when he is embarrassed like that but he wouldn't have minded to sound hot either.

He nods; Rin blushed furiously and scratches the side of his skull. "And - like - here?"

Haru scans the kitchen to find a place that could fit and looks comfortable enough, but then he hears Rin sigh, and soon after Haru is being dragged out of the room - probably towards Rin's bedroom.

"Wait," he says, and Rin releases his arm, "I'm taking off the apron."

"What? But you're fully naked!" Rin looks offended, but Haru just shrugs; if they're going to do it what's the point of getting dressed? "I mean, there are windows in the living room."

"No one will see."

"We live on the first floor for god's sake!"

But Haru still doesn't see the point, and he walks without Rin leading him to the entrance hall. "At least hide your dick, you dickhead."

Haru does as he is being told, and comes back to Rin only to hug him from behind. "There," he says, "No one else will see now. Can we move on?"

Rin sighs again, and Haru whispers 'spoilsport', and none of them makes any remark as Rin climbs the stairs with Haru literally glued on his back - it kind of makes things pretty unhandy to be in such position but Haru doesn't care, Rin deserves it anyway.

---

Haru is laid on his side when Rin enters his first finger. He shudders as he's been torn apart, welcoming the new intruder and Haru hesitantly casts a look to see Rin's face. He doesn't do that very often, and it's the kind of details he would have liked Rin not to be aware of. He'll probably need time, much more time than Rin to be ready; he hopes it's alright - he hopes Rin won't mind.

"Hey," he says, as if he had been inside Haru's head as well and had heard his worries, "Relax okay? It's gonna hurt too much if you keep being on edge like that."

It's not a foreign knowledge to him, of course; but still it feels like their very first time, so Haru can't help but be tense. It doesn't help that he feels Rin's finger stills; but soon he starts to move in and out again, and even adds a second finger. Haru hisses. He feels Rin getting closer and kissing the back of his head. Sooner than he has expected Rin's ministrations become enjoyable.

This time they are taking it slow and for some reason it's even more intimate and embarrassing than before. Rin feels even closer than when they were still in the couch. His presence invades him; it makes Haru forget the life around him, the life he has had before him and it's so scary, it's so damn scary and Haru would have wanted nothing more than to get away from that trap he had fell in, to get away from Rin. But there is something stronger than that will which prevents him from it. Something that binds them together, here on the bed, something that makes it impossible for their skin not to be touched when they're standing too close in the same room.

"Ready?" Rin asks more than warns him; Haru nods silently and waits for his sentence. Before he moves any further, Rin bends over him, his elbow supporting his upper body and he kisses him, passionately; his tongue running inside of Haru's mouth as his member finds its way inside him.

---

Rin is also standing behind him when they shower.

When they were still lying in his bed he had stroked a single finger on Haru's back, up and down, multiple times; his touch filled with an unexpected tenderness and fondness, Haru thought. Now, his fingers are working rougher on the small of his back. Rin is massaging him, touching and soothing the sore muscles he had used too much earlier so that Haru won't be in pain. He drops light kisses on Haru's shoulders now and then. Haru just lets the water fall on his face as if he was trying to get drown or dissolved in Rin's shower.

Time goes by slowly; or maybe it doesn't because when they had looked at the time before they entered the bathroom it was already past 3 PM. They haven't even eaten yet, but none of them have felt hungry - and they were both kind of dirty. Since he had risen from Rin's bed Haru had been in a dichotomous state, something he's now used to since that time he had kissed Rin in the pool. When his body and soul feel undeniably utterly contented the same thing couldn't be said for his mind. But in a vain attempt to ease his pain Haru rejects automatically anything that could hurt him when he leans in Rin's embrace, and so he closes his eyes, feels the water fall on his lids and sighs. Rin's fingers are doing wonders on his back. He would be able to walk as if nothing had happened.

"Are you okay?"

It's the third time Rin asks since he had come inside him.

"Ah." Haru just says; he doesn't have any strength left to give him a more sophisticated reply.

"You're pretty silent," Rin states, oh damn the man is observant. "And...you...I mean-"

"Split it out." Haru's face is now facing the ground. He stares blankly, like hypnotized, at the stream of water and soap entwined, disappearing into the shower's iron siphon.

"Maybe it's too soon to talk about-"

"Rin."

"Okay, okay I get it." Haru's voice is more annoyed than anything, it's at least not commanding - Haru hopes - and it's enough to make Rin confess where his thoughts were leading him to. "I don't, usually I, I mean it's embarrassing to talk about that now because- I really had a good time but I couldn't help thinking that; you, you aren't used to receive right?"

The noise of water coming out of the shower head and hitting softly on their body hides the bitter smirk Haru makes. It's not like he hasn't seen it coming. It has always been painfully obvious how Rin seemed to know better than him what he was doing when he touched him.

"I mean, it's okay if you don't-I don't mind-"

"I have never come into someone before I met you."

Rin doesn't say anything for a moment, as if he hadn't heard him at all and then, he bends forward and turns the water down. "What?"

"You heard it right the first time."

Rin curls his arms around him. He has some soap on the top of his chin. "I'm sorry. I mean you were so tight, I thought-"

"I'm just not used to sex. That's all." He turns the water on again. Rin is silent, too much silent behind him.

"It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it."

Rin's lips are stuck on his shoulder blade. He smiles against the skin.

It will do for now.

His hands, cleaned of the soap, run on the small of Haru's back again, more careful than before.

"Does he do things like this with you?" Rin continues to draw small circles at the end of his back.

"Who?" Haru asks.

"Makoto."

It's the moment when Haru's mind awakes. It has been stunk by a very sharp and thin needle at the back of his head and now Haru stands under the water, hyper aware of every single part of his body which touch Rin and the parts which don't. The mention of the name is as cold as an ice pick Rin would have used to stab him with.

"We don't have a shower." Haru says then, "We only use the bathtub." Makoto is too large for the both of them to get inside anyway. Not that Rin needs to know some crappy little details about their almost marital daily life. Their almost martial and soon to die daily life.

Rin stops touching him.

"It's good if you don't...do that often," he says, "I wouldn't like him to find out by putting his finger inside you and finding someone has been here recently - and don't laugh okay, I've seen that happen, you can't even begin to think of how many cases of domestic violence I've got to deal with because of small details like this."

Haru doesn't find it funny in the slightest.

---

.

o0o0o

.

---

That evening they eat silently in front of the TV - Makoto really likes talk shows, after work he needs to decompress and to evacuate the pressure out of his large shoulder. People often mistake him when they don't pay enough attention. Makoto seems indestructible because of his build and the fireman uniform; but real life Makoto is scared of spiders, he hides behind Haru every time he hears an unknown sound at night when the lights are out and he would probably hold a cats' refuge in their garden - if only they've had one. Makoto has always been that huge human teddy bear, the ideal big brother; and somehow the perfect match for Haru if you ask their close friends.

That evening Makoto watches him as if Haru has something on his face. Haru sits better on his butt, even if it hurts a little, too scared that he would notice something.

(At that stage, Haru has absolutely no idea of what he is going to do - black hole, zero, the void. In fact, he hasn't even set the connection between Rin, Makoto, and the fact that maybe in a more or less nearby future, something might not quite fit. If his mind was a room, there would probably be a clean desk with a square yellow post it resting on it, and the word 'Tell Him' would be written in small and tiny, non-capital letters. Haru would look at it every now and then, and he wouldn't care for it too much until the letters are red and too big for him to ignore.

But they have time. It's not necessarily vital. And it will probably be painful so, why would he rush?)

"How is Rin doing?"

The question takes him out of his reverie. His heart beats twice as fast as before, its powerful thrusts climb up to his neck and temples. Haru fears his head is going to explode and spread its content on their table and dinner.

"Fine." The word, even alone, has struggled to get past his sealed lips.

"Ah. Glad to hear that." Makoto takes some bread, the butter knife and a radish. He makes a slice of bread with slightly salted butter and munches his doing. "Sousuke told me he wanted to stop swimming."

"Really?" He tries to look surprised, but considering how things have turned up a couple of weeks ago, it was something to be expected. "He didn't tell me."

"He thought that maybe you two had a fight."

"We might have."

"But now it's over?"

"We aren't fighting anymore." Haru takes a slice of radish and some salad. Makoto turns his head for a second, listening to an old bad joke the men in the TV says. He laughs.

"I'm glad." Makoto doesn't turn his eyes off of the screen as he murmured those words. Haru feels frustrated all of a sudden.

"Why do you care?" He asks then. Because, if he thinks about it Makoto has only seen Rin once, it was months ago at the sushi restaurant and as soon as Haru had realized that he might like Rin a little bit too much he had stopped speaking about him altogether. "You don't even know him that much."

"That's true, indeed." Makoto faces him. "But, I don't know. Rin is the kind of person that makes you want to worry about him. He has that kind of energy that you don't want to see altered. I don't know what is it really...his smile is very bright. He looks like the sun. I don't ever want him to stop being happy."

Makoto gives him that warm and kind face and yawns, loudly - at least he won't have the energy to claim Haru's butt tonight that's a good point, Rin would be glad thank you Makoto - but it's not what makes Haru frown and sulk all week.

---

The next Monday comes too slow for his taste.

---

"What!?"

Rin can't stop laughing at his face. Haru is still pouting like a child as he repeats his words. "I think Makoto has a crush on you," he rails at him, with an adorable pout. Rin guffaws so much that it pains Haru's ears, and small tears are forming at the corners of his eyes.

"Haru, this is by far - and it's saying something, considering how much a weirdo you are - yes you are a weirdo don't give me that look idiot - anyway I was saying that this, this-" He points Haru's nose with his forefinger, shaking it in an amused way, "This is the stupidest and most ridiculous thing you have ever told me."

"No it's not."

"Well you're right, the 'when I was young I wanted to me a mackerel King' was...original, to say the least, and-ouch stop biting me, you idiot!"

They're on Rin's bed again - it always kind of ends up there anyway. There were half way through undressing themselves in between kisses and caresses; Rin has lost his pants and sweater, he now has nothing but his boxers and his black sport shirt he sleeps in. He didn't have time to take a shower this morning so it really smells like him; Haru really likes that scent. As he straddles Rin's hips, biting on his fingers playfully, he hears him swear insults and something along the lines of 'I didn't sign up for this shit' and he smiles. Rin makes everything so vividly. He kisses him again.

"You shouldn't use your mouth to say such things." He tells him.

"Ah?" Rin lifts an eyebrow - god how can he do such things with his eyebrow it's like they have a mind on their own - "And you have a suggestion as for what I should do with my mouth, Haru-KA?"

Haru rolls his eyes again. He hates it when people call him by his full name. Of course, he didn't know how it happened but he told Rin and eventually it ended up being his name on Rin's phone.

"Shut up." He commands. It's Rin's turn to pout now.

"But I wanted to give you a blowjob." He whines, and makes his puppy eyes, and Haru wants to scream - how on earth did he end up with this?

He would have gladly accepted Rin's offer if something wasn't bothering him though, and that thing is that Makoto has a slight crush on Rin.

Rin sits up in his bed, his face only inches away from Haru's. "Ne, Haru? Are you jealous of me?"

He looks at him, looks at the grin of his face as Makoto's words echo in his head. The task is painful, because it's admitting that they are now 3 people linked together and not just two pairs not interacting with each other - the post-it on the desk is somehow more noticeable than before. It's not just Haru and Makoto, and Haru and Rin; it's Haru, Makoto and Rin, and the actions Haru does have repercussion on the others, on both of them, in a bad way. And it's the same for any of them.

Haru cups his cheek. Makoto is right. Rin feels like the sun in his hands. And he wants him just for himself.

It's not Rin he is jealous of, he realizes.

It's because of Rin.

He can't stand the thought of sharing him.

And then, he sees and imagines all of the lovers Rin had in the past. He can see their hands and arms curling on his waist, he can see the bruises on his body their lips had left; he can see Rin moaning and speaking their names as he came.

"I want to go to the pool."

He needs to go to the pool.

Rin looks at him, bewildered and a little bit lost. "Now? Couldn't it wait a bit-"

"Now."

Haru walks out of the bed. They walk silently to the pool and, when they're finished, Haru walks alone back home but Rin stops him - he grabs his arm.

"…" He wants to speak, his lips are pressed in a thin line but it's like he's paralyzed by a mystical force which prevents Rin from talking to him.

"What is it?"

"I...Are we..." The grip on his arm tightens. Rin is about to cry.

"Rin...what is-"

"I'm sorry, okay? Whatever I did or say I'm...just...I want to see you again!"

There are people walking by them. Some aren't paying attention, some might see that they're almost holding hands and with Rin at the verge of breaking down, it won't be difficult to figure out what kind of relationship the two men they are have. Haru takes Rin by the arm and drags him in a deserted place, a small alley where only old cats' ears could hear them talking.

"What are you talking about?" He says in a rush, "Why would you be sorry for?"

"I don't know! For what I said this morning, for laughing at you, for not taking you seriously..." Rin looks really sorry and Haru can't understand why; the whole situation seems unreal. "Everything was fine and then you snapped and I don't get you Haru I can't read your mind I don't know what I've done wrong but since this morning you don't even look at me in the eyes."

"There's nothing wrong with you."

"So tell me why?" Rin looks panicked; it's a miracle he isn't crying yet. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Yes you are!"

Rin presses him again the nearest wall. "Do you have any idea of how much I miss you when you're not there, Haru?"

His eyes fall on the ground. Of course he knows. It's the same for him - why is that so hard for Rin to see?

"Do you have any idea of how sick I feel when you're not here with me?"

"Rin, listen I-"

"Don't go." He sobs, his words hushed by the knot in his throat. "Please Haru don't do that to me. Come back with me."

Haru rises his eyes and lands them on Rin's crying face. What is he talking about?

"Don't...don't stop this, don't leave me, not now, not yet. I'm not ready, not ready please don't go-"

Rin kisses his face, his forehead his cheeks his noise his eyebrow, everywhere except on his lips.

"I want to see you again."

Makoto is wrong. Rin isn't the sun; he is the sky. He is infinite; he is everywhere Haru lays his eyes on. He can be sunny or dark, bright or gloomy, crying or smiling. It's never the same; every time you look at it you see something new, something, a little detail you can't believe you haven't seen before and it suddenly makes you like it even more.

Rin is also a moron, but that something Haru will keep for himself. He holds his shaking hand, and they walk back together to Rin's place, without a word.

(If Haru's mind was a room with a tidy desk, he would love Rin on it. Their bodies would move together in harmony, eclipsing the small note on the yellow post it which would lay forgotten behind a pair of butts; and wherever Haru would look, he would never be able to find the small note, written on a yellow square post it, saying 'Stop it' in red, capital letters.

And when Rin would be gone, Haru would find that note saying 'Tell him' stuck on his ass.)

---

When Makoto comes back home after work, he is exhausted; and his face is covered with black soot at some places. "I'll take a bath," he says, and goes straight to the bathroom.

Haru looks at the place where Makoto has been standing in the hall for long minutes after he's gone. How would he react now, if he told him about Rin?

Would he see the ghost of Rin's hands loving him? Would he imagine him moaning under Rin's touch? Would he feel so angry and betrayed, so furious that he could crunch someone into a wall, not minding the outcome of his outburst?

It would be terrible if Makoto felt that way.

There is no point of telling him yet.

He doesn't want him to be jealous. He doesn't want him to feel as bad as he did today.

(Haru could never find that 'Stop it' post-it, no matter how hard he could have tried to look for it, because that note never existed in the first place.)

---

.

o0o0o

.

---

There comes a time when they both get bored with the idea of staying all day in bed. So before going to the pool every Monday afternoon - it's a little routine of theirs, now that Haru thinks about it; he likes the idea - he and Rin starts to go outside, leaving behind their secret sanctuary that is Rin's room to walk, fragile and exposed, into the real world.

First they go to the mall. Rin is a fashion victim, and takes sometimes hours in the same shop just to buy a single T shirt - but then he lets Haru do the same without complaining when it concerns his jammers, so Haru can't really say that it annoys him, and after all seeing Rin changing his clothes so often isn't that bad. There is a cinema there. Rin likes to watch loud or love movies; Haru doesn't really mind but most of the time, they end up in a deserted theater at the very last row of red fake velvet seats, and it would be lying to say they pay even the slightest attention to what's happening on screen.

They have found a small Chinese restaurant that Haru likes. It's very quiet and cheap; the food isn't that good but at least there, they can hold hand without being noticed. That Monday, Rin has ordered some Gyoza and pork, while Haru waits for his sushi. Rin is phoning, he said it was his sister - her name is Kou, if he remembers correctly - and so Haru takes out his phone too in reflex. It's only when he sees his last received/sent messages that he realizes how futile it is.

(He erases then all of Rin's messages that he had forgotten to delete since this morning. As he was about to erase the last one, Makoto sends him a short message.)

"What's up?" Rin asks; when Haru looks up to him he has hung up with Kou already.

"Makoto. He says he is on duty next Thrusday night."

Rin's face twitches at the news, but Haru can't tell if it's in a good or bad way - he seems rather thoughtful, to be honest and, a minute of silence later he excuses himself and gets out of the restaurant without an explanation, leaving Haru and his meal behind.

The Asian waitress brings him his sushi eventually when Rin is still phoning outside. She doesn't look like understanding a word of English - Rin could have stayed there, what is he hiding from him?

It doesn't look too good when Rin eventually comes back from his little trip outside, a huge grin painted on his face. He looks like a child who'd done a silly thing and who's rather proud of it.

"Well then," he says, without adding further explanation as for why he had to call someone so urgently, "'Bon Appétit!'"

His French's accent sure is terrible - just as terrible as his probably - but it's not what makes Haru frown. He hates it, when Rin does things behind his back.

(Well, not always, he thinks afterwards. He blushes.)

"I'll tell you later," Rin says suddenly, and the scene returns to reality "I don't want to give you false hope. Just enjoy your meal today - you said you have an errand to run next week?"

"Ah. I'll try to be quick but I can't predict how much time it'll take."

"Hm," Rin sucks on his finger the rest of salty soy sauce, loudly, and it makes Haru blushes even more, "Okay then, we'll have to get on with it, just text me when you're done and we'll figure something out. That might be a perfect piece of work though..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ah, never mind. Just eat before it gets cold."

"Rin, I ordered sushi."

He gives a murderous glare and goes back to eating his pork.

Rin is quite loud when he eats, Haru notices; it's a good thing that they're pretty much alone in the Chinese restaurant. When they're finished Rin's side of the table is spotted with grains of rice here and there, and he has some sauce at the corner of his mouth - even on his nose but Haru surely won't tell him - and his fingers are sticky.

And so Haru watches him lick on his fingers again, one by one, his chin rested on the palm of his hand and he doesn't even notice Rin slowing down in his doing. Rin eyes him; he puts his finger whole in his mouth, adds another and never once he drops his gaze from Haru's torn face. Oh great, now they're in a public place, with Haru significantly tight in his pants and Rin undeniably proud of himself.

"You've got some sauce on your face." Haru says, as a sly idea comes to his mind.

"Oh? Really? Gosh thanks-" he takes his tissue and levels it to his face. "Where?"

Haru takes his hand away. "Let me take care of this." He says, and he stands up from his seat.

"Wo-at?"

Rin's almost word makes the waitress turn around but Haru doesn't care, he takes him by the arm and leads him to the men's bathroom. The place is deserted; it was to be expected since there is no other client than them and another couple. Haru's fingers brush against Rin's sticky ones as soon as the door is closed, and he leans him against the nearest wall. He kisses his nose first.

"What, here? Really?"

"Yes." Haru says with a smile; he licks a bit, cleaning Rin entirely. "And you have some at the corner of your mouth too."

"Yeah I felt that one." Rin sticks out his tongue but Haru is faster and he licks the remaining of sauce away, as well as Rin's lips. Rin is laughing quietly and soon it gets contagious. They exchange small and brief kisses as both of them can't stop smiling fondly. And then, ineluctably, things get more passionate.

"Really Haru, you look...hungry, am I right?" Rin teases him after a very heated and long kiss where Haru's tongue as invaded him with an unexpected burst of passion that has left the both of them breathless - and he doesn't remember well but Haru is pretty sure he has moaned at some point.

"Aren't you?" He asks, quite desperately - the disappointment in his tone is hard to hide. He had thought they could go back quickly - in a hurry – home before going to the pool now; but Rin just shrugs casually.

What's the point on turning on your lover if you don't want to actually do the do?

Haru wants to swear and scream and kiss Rin again and again so that's what he does - the kissing part, not the previous ones, he can't do both at the same time. Haru is already hard when on the other hand Rin is painfully, not hard at all - the fact hurts Haru deeply, both his body and pride.

Rin pushes him from his chest. "Hey, I really want to see that movie you know."

Whatever Haru does, it seems that he can't win this battle.

It's not like he would mind not to love Rin this week after all. He was used to that. It's just another week of waiting before he could feel Rin's skin under his touch. After all...it's nothing, a week, when you think about it. Seven small and ridiculous days in a life time, what is it, what does it represent? It's a mere sand grain in the desert, a drop in the ocean.

Suddenly Haru feels thirsty and knows for sure that a single drop won't be enough to quench his thirst. Lost in his thoughts, he misses Rin and his words, and only looks up when he hears him sigh.

"I guess it can't be helped."

A kind of sarcastic and unamused laugh comes out of Haru's mouth. Took him time to realize how utterly stuck they were.

As Rin drags him in a cubicle Haru can't help but notice how similar this place is to the bathroom he owns at the restaurant. The blue tiles on the wall are exactly the same, it contrasts so much with the lay out of the Chinese atmosphere of the restaurant than he wonders why he hadn't noticed before. The doors are the same, too; he blankly looks at them as Rin kneels in front of him and puts his zipper down. They keep it quiet, Haru shudders now and then each time Rin's teeth brush careful past him but he never moans, never hisses, his breathing remains in control most of the time - he just grasps on Rin's head and on his hair toughly, and he wouldn't be surprised if in the end he finds some red long hairs resting between his fingers.

He can barely feel his legs anymore when Rin makes him come. He opens the toilet's seat and spits; the back of his hand brushing the remaining of Haru's seed away.

"Gosh, I feel like I'll never be able to satisfy your needs."

Ignoring Rin's amused tone, Haru slides against the wall, his back slowly going down until his legs stumble against Rin.

What is he talking about?

Isn't it something natural, when two people are together? Isn't it what they are supposed to do, when they only have that very short time for themselves?

Isn't it what you're supposed to feel when you...when you...

Rin saw the helplessness in his eyes it seems, because the next moment Haru feels is his arms around him and it stops the tears from running on his face. He doesn't know what has scared him the most. His own feelings, or knowing that Rin might not share the same.

---

(They stayed in each other's arms for a while. None of them cried.

The film was actually very good, Haru was glad that they stayed in the mall in the end.

When he comes back home Haru still brings along with him a strong scent of chlorine. With Makoto comes along a scent of that anti-bacterial lotion they use in the hospitals. The old lady didn't make it this time but nevertheless, Makoto smiles.

If Rin was the sky, then Makoto probably would be the ground. It looks solid at first glance, but its surface is never regular. Sometimes it's even soft and unsteady. The grass sometimes hides the real nature of it but whenever you walk the ground will still be there to catch you if you trip and fall through the hardship of life.

People shouldn't be forced to choose between the sky and the earth. There is no way someone would live without one or the other.

As those irrational and poisonous thoughts torture Haru at night he dreams of the ocean. He dreams of being a mermaid; a pretty mermaid alone in the water where there is no sky, no ground, no pressure, no tears and no joy. If only love could be that simple.

Haru has never been good with metaphors anyway.)

---

.

o0o0o

.

---

"Really? So early?"

"Yeah I know it's very sudden. I didn't dare to ask but I'm pretty sure it wasn't..."

"Planned?"

"Exactly."

"You did well." Haru tells him.

Makoto sighs, and then smiles and hums, contently.

Ran is pregnant.

Makoto is on cloud nine since she has called to announce the good news. She has also decided that he'll be the godfather - which is maybe the most rational thing she's done in a while - and so Makoto is already thinking about a name, and looking in babies' magazines for an idea of present he could offer them.

"They will probably send us a birth list," Haru says as he makes dinner, "You're worrying too much about it."

"But we're gonna be godfathers! How can you not-"

"You're the godfather. She didn't ask me to be."

"But you...Haru, don't you like kids?"

The real question Makoto wants to ask but doesn't dare to is 'Haru don't you want to have kids and start a family with me ?' and Haru knows that too well. That's why, just like for her wedding, he can't help but feel paradoxically very happy and very annoyed at the same time. Ran has always had a terrible timing. And sure, Haru can only empathize and understand Makoto's frustration - he is the oldest one, and they have been together for so long and she is only twenty and carefree and Ran is the one being married and pregnant with a loved child when he isn't, and it shouldn't have been like that.

There would be a time when Makoto wouldn't have any choice left but to blame him for that, Haru knows it.

They won't be able to pretend that everything is fine between them for too long either.

It's been seven years and yet, it feels like nothing had changed in all those years. They are the same, they have the same friends, live in the same cheap apartment. Their routine is the same - not that Haru minds, he actually likes his life being that way; or he thought he did until...

Haru may not be totally against a little bit of change after all; but he is afraid now that he and Makoto want to go in opposite direction.

In between the mess of his thoughts Makoto somehow asks him if he could close the restaurant for a week and go with him to Ran's place to help up organize everything. He nods nevertheless, because that's how it works between them.

"I am actually worried about that." He tells him as the wash the dishes together. "She...it's too fast, you know?"

"Ah."

"I know true love can explain some things but...they have known each other for not even a year. And now with the child - what will happen if they were wrong? What will happen if one day they realize too late that they aren't that much in love?"

Haru passes him the kitchen towel to dry the dishes. "It always dies, you know. No matter how hard you try, you can't be in love all your life as you are on day one."

Makoto frowns. "Why would people spend all their life together then, if not for true love?"

He might be talking about his parents - still living together in Iwami near the shore. Talking about parents, Haru has no idea where his own were.

"I don't know. Comfort. Fear. Routine. Safety. Maybe love, but it's idealistic to think it's the only reason."

Makoto dries the plates one by one, and puts them on the kitchen table next to the sink. "But you know, Haru," His voice is warm; Haru needs to leave, quickly, very quickly- "My heart still jolts in my chest when I come back from work every day to find you waiting for me."

"Is that because you love me, or because you're simply happy that I'm still there?"

Haru turns the water on to wash the ceramic platter they used at dinner. The clatter of plates bumping on each other as Makoto finishes tidying up the place silently becomes too loud for his ears. Makoto doesn't say anything; he doesn't get angry or denies, he doesn't break down or break a dish - that would have been so cliché - which kind of proves Haru's point, and leads him to think that he wasn't the only one who'd realized their relationship has something broken inside, even maybe from the very start.

Maybe it's just a phase. It's been seven years already, Haru had been told it was always around that time that things could turn out ugly. He had tried to ignore it, just like he had tried to ignore everything that bothered him - like, more recently, Rin - but delaying problems isn't the right solution, and he knows that now. They have to deal with this before the situation gets explosive. Before it's too late.

But too late for what?

Haru is being unfaithful; it's already too late.

---

He doesn't warn him and goes outside, takes a run around the city. The more he thinks about it, the more he lets his thoughts persuade him that it has nothing to do with Rin to begin with. Haru has known for years that he and Makoto have had different opinions about fundamental things, on the kind of life they wanted to live, the things that come first. They've had a perfect chemistry for so long - they were like two trees that would have grown up together with their branches entwined, impossible to tear apart from the other - and it had worked great for years. But Haru has noticed, small changes, time using and destroying little by little, each other's' patience and indulgence.

He remembers as he runs slowly, some talks they've had, years ago. Makoto wanted to come back to Iwami after he's done studying. He wanted to get closer to his family, to his mom who got sick and to watch the twins grew up. He wanted to be there for them through their puberty and in the end Haru had opened his restaurant and they have stayed. Makoto had never really liked it here; and Haru never dared to ask him again as time went by if he was still planning on going back because he was too afraid that he might already know the answer, and the outcome of his sudden interest in Makoto's unsaid wishes, so he had shut his mouth. It was convenient that way. Because Haru didn't want to move, and after all if Makoto didn't complain then there was no reason to start a war and to break apart everything they've had so far.

It has gone like that for a while now. They always find an unspoken compromise for every little daily thing of life but when it comes to important decisions, they drift apart, always. Moving in, settling, marriage, kids; lifetime engagement. Haru doesn't want any of that.

Things have been incredibly tense since the announcement of Ran's wedding, but the problem had been lurking in the dark, crouched in the shadows, way before that.

Haru is soon breathless. He stops, and hands on his knees, catching his breath. The scenery looks familiar...

How incredible.

He had ended up just in front of Rin's house.

The lights are on. Rin was right; he could see everything that's happening inside the living room - oh god after everything they have done there, never, never ever again. The TV is on. There are two bottles of beer uncanned on the table, probably empty. Sousuke comes out of the entrance and sits on the couch. He seems to be talking to someone in the kitchen - probably Rin, who else could it be?

He comes out with a frying pan in his hand and a wooden big spoon in the other. He frowns at Sousuke and then, Haru sees the both of them laugh. Rin kicks his roommate's feet gently and then he disappears in the kitchen again. Haru stares at the spot where he last took a glimpse of him before walking back home.

He wanted to be inside with him. He hated it, not being able to be with him.

When he comes home Makoto is already asleep, and Haru wonders how he can manage to do so after the conversation they've had - Haru is barely able to shut an eye, and the short time he has left for his dreams is full of Rin.

---

.

o0o0o

.

---

"Thank you so much Haru for coming with me!"

"Rei, I told you it was nothing really."

They're walking towards the jewelry's store on the 6th Avenue. As Nagisa had expected, Rei is going to propose to him very soon. And as expected, Rei has absolutely no idea that Nagisa has already sent Haru a handful of rings he would eventually like, depending on Rei's budget. It should have been very easy and quickly done then - and he should have been able to join Rin before lunch with a little bit of luck - but Rei takes his time, and then insists to treat him to lunch after 'all he has done for them'. So of course he cannot refuse.

'Meet me at the pool.' Rin sends him, while Rei is enjoying his coffee. 'I have something to tell you.'

Haru frowns, what could it be? He hopes it's not something bad...

"Is everything alright?" Rei asks.

His coffee's empty on the table. He pays and thanks him one last time, before Haru hurries to Rin.

---

He is waiting for him in front of the entrance.

He makes his eyes sparkle with the news he has been willing to say the whole day.

"Do you think it'll be alright?" Rin asks him as they step into the pool.

"Yes." Haru has no idea actually but he just wants it too much to care. "I'll just leave very early. I hope I won't wake you up."

"It doesn't matter. I want you to wake me. I want to kiss you goodbye before you go."

Haru hides his smile. He caresses the back of Rin's hand surreptitiously when no one is looking.

He takes out his phone after they swim to write a memo - not that he'd be likely to forget something that big, but he is so incredibly happy that he can't really believe it, and writing it and seeing the words will help him to realize and to accept it even more.

'Thursday : Night at Rin's place' he wrote.

This time he can't hide his smile. But when he turns around Rin looks concerned.

"What's the matter?" He asks him then, but his face is already back to a smiling one, and even if it looks fake Haru is too much on cloud nine to care.

They are going to spend a night together.

They are going to sleep in each other's arms for a whole night.

The mental images of this reunion make his whole body feel light and incredibly warm at the same time.

---

.

o0o0o

.

---

Haru hurries to close the restaurant and goes home to get ready. It's only 6 PM when he gets out of the shower. He texts Rin.

'We aren't even back from work you idiot! Wait a little. I told you 8 PM should do it.' He answers quickly.

And so during the two hours he has left, Haru gets bored. He paints but stops each time the sketch is done, he tries to cook but then he gets hungry, and he throws everything in the bin before he has time to give in and eat the meals. He sends messages, to Nagisa mostly, because he didn't have any news since they bought the ring with Rei.

It's 7.30 PM when he rings at Rin's door. There was no one inside the living room when he had looked from the window, so the timing must be good.

"Hey Sousuke you forgot some- Haru!" Rin gasps. "You're insane Sousuke just got out what if he-"

He silences him with a kiss. "I'm glad to see you as well. I'm hungry." And he makes his way to the kitchen.

"Haru! Your shoes!"

He doesn't need to look back to see the pout on Rin's face.

---

After a light dinner they watch a movie - a love movie, of course - under Rin's blanket. It brings him back warm memories of that time when he had taken Rin's hand into his. His little finger feels on pins and needles at the thought.

In this film Hugh Grant plays the British Prime Minister. They are a lot of love stories happening in the same time. Haru has trouble following everything, not when his head rests on Rin and when he feels his comforting presence so close to him. As usual the movie is taking at least 93% of his attention when Haru gets none.

A man is making a very cute confession to the girl from Pirates of the Caribbean, the one who got married just moments ago. That's the kind of things Rin would totally do.

Haru takes his glass and drinks all of what's inside with three large swallows. Rin has opened a bottle of red wine. The taste is bitter and strong for Haru's delicate and inexperienced palate but the warmth that comes after a while is far from being unpleasant to ease the tension he feels on his shoulders.

"I bet you had a crush on Hugh Grant when you were young." He says, trying to bug Rin. He possesses maybe the whole filmography of Hugh Grant and it's like, crazy; it's even more incredible nowadays, with all the new technology, Haru would have never thought that people were still buying blue ray DVD.

Rin laughs, awkwardly. "Not a chance. I don't like little British boys."

Haru frowns quickly. His head feels dizzy a little bit when he lifts his head away from Rin's comfortable shoulder. He knows this tone Rin has used just now. He is hiding something from him - but, what, a stupid crush on a 50-ish and unreachable straight actor? It was more than unlikely.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." He answers all too quickly.

Oh, he was lying, Haru just knows it now - Rin is bad at lying, he blushes and plays with his hands too much when he does and it's just painfully obvious now that Haru knows him so much.

"Tell me."

"I told you it was nothing!"

"You're using the high pitched tone again." Rin looks at him, bewildered and at loss of words. "It's like the staring thing I do. You probably don't realize it but you always speak in a higher tone when you're trying to hide something from me."

Rin sends him a glare; the fact that he took his eyes away from the screen is a victory by itself. Haru smiles, triumphant, and leans on Rin's shoulder again.

"I don't want to tell you." Rin scowls as the film ends up catching all of his attention again.

Haru doesn't push any further, and pretends to be interested in what happens on screen instead; but soon he finds the never ending changes of characters too troublesome to follow the story. Not that he thought he would like it, but it's Rin's favorite movie so he'd wanted to make a little effort. He sighs.

"My first crush was Billy Elliot." He says out of the blue. Rin rolls his eyes; it seems he has guessed that no, Haru didn't want to drop the subject yet.

"Who is he? A guy at your school?"

"Idiot; it's a movie. A very good movie I'm sure you'll like it - you'll cry, but you'll like it."

"And what is it about?"

"A boy, twelve or something, who wants to be a dancer." Rin raises an eyebrow, and so Haru quickly continues. "His father wants him to practice box just like other boys, but Billy wants to dance. He is very good at it, and so he takes the course behind his father's back. In the end he succeeds - he plays the leader role in Swan Lake. He becomes free."

Rin hums, a sign that he has been listening partly while the movie was still going on. He hums but doesn't add anything, like, talk about his own first crush and to Haru it doesn't sound fair.

"It's your turn now." He pinches his side mischievously. "Tell me 'bout your first crush."

The bottle of wine is half empty on the coffee table. Rin pours themselves some more. "No." He states firmly, and goes back to watching the movie as if his stubbornness wasn't curious at all; but his attitude does nothing but pique Haru's curiosity and so, in order to get the information he now seeks avidly Haru starts to plan schemes - well, he merely pouts, but it's enough to make Rin feel bad, so why would he put some more effort?

Rin murmurs something after a few minutes of dreadful and total silence, but Haru was too busy making a face to understand what he has said.

"What?" He says, and waits for Rin to repeat.

"Sousuke."

"What about Sousuke?"

"It was him."

"Your first crush?"

"Yes."

"Sousuke?"

Rin doesn't add anything, he may nod warily but Haru isn't looking at him anymore so he can't tell - he doesn't want to know anyway. His mind is like frozen in the middle of understanding.

"See," Rin says, uneasy, "That's exactly why I didn't want to tell you."

Haru tries to sound unaffected by the news - and he really shouldn't be, it was probably years ago and they wouldn't be living under the same roof if there were still, some, remaining feelings hidden in the depth of Rin's heart, would they? - but truth is, Haru understands now why Rin was more than reluctant to share this little secret with him.

The slow, burning and destructive wave of morbidly jealousy building up in his chest is hard to repress.

"What happened?" he asks nonetheless, because he desperately needs to know - sometimes Haru wonders if Rin has not awaken some kind of masochist tendencies in him - and because the silence that follows Rin's last words is choking on him. "Does he know about it?"

At his statement, Rin laughs. It doesn't sound too bad - less bad than what Haru has imagined in his mind at least. "Ah, of course he knows - and trust me, I can guarantee that he would have preferred to be left in the dark."

Rin uncrosses his leg and leans further into the couch. "It was during high school, in our second year. We were the best friends you could ever find in the campus. One day I thought that, maybe my feelings for him were just more than ordinary friendship so I confessed. He turned me down rather harshly to be honest-" he laughs again, his eyes lost in the ceiling - "that bastard. To think I was the first one to ask him out. Anyway the funny part is that the night right after that he caught me masturbating in the bathroom and thought I was thinking about him; I think it still haunts him somehow - Oi, are you even listening - that was supposed to be funny!"

But Haru is not; he can hear him talking but his voice doesn't reach him behind the buzzing of his ear. Between the sudden burst of jealousy and the wine, Haru feels his blood boiling in his veins.

"I'm going to the bedroom."

"Already?"

"Yeah."

Rin watches him, watches his back silently leaving him numbly and for a few seconds Haru is glad that he hasn't followed him. What is he trying to do, really? Who is he fooling? No one.

He needs a bath. He needs to go to the pool.

He is running away again.

He ran away from Rin's embrace and now he stands like the world's greatest idiot on top of the stairs. He can't be mad at Rin for something that happened so long ago, he can't be mad at him for living under the same roof with Sousuke, he can't be mad because he isn't behaving any better.

In fact, he shouldn't even deserve Rin to treat him that way.

He doesn't deserve anything from him and especially not his love.

"Haru!"

Rin calls him out with something urgent in his voice that betrays his nervousness, "Are you alright? I'm sorry I...please just let's forget about it."

Haru is the one behaving like a spoiled child and yet Rin talks to him as if he was a fragile thing, a work of art made of thin glass that is about to collapse at any moment, vulnerable to even the slightest cool breeze; he treats him as something which is about to break down.

He turns around. Rin looks breathless and kind of worried; but he is still there, waiting for his answer, solid on the stair. He doesn't look like he is about to crumble any time soon. Rin looks so fucking strong and unshakable and for a moment Haru is jealous of his strength. How does he manage to cope with the whole, chaotic and impossible situation they have put themselves into like that?

For the first time since they've started this, Haru truly realizes that he has absolutely no idea of what it is he's doing. He has never had control over the situation, because it deals with his feelings and it has always been what he was the worst at.

'I don't know what I am doing,' he wants to tell Rin, 'I really have no idea of what's happening in me, but there is a something in my chest that begs for you, every second of every day since I've met you, and I can't handle it.'

"Let's forget about all this."

Haru hugs Rin close to his chest instead of voicing his thoughts again. Rin is right; he always has the solution when Haru needs it the most. It's so easy to forget the world around them when they are locked in each other's arms. Once on the bed there is nothing that can disturb them; there is no past, no future, just the present and their consuming, carnal and fateful desire, endowed with the tragic proficiency to destroy and erase everything surrounding them, everything but them.

They have built their own little world in Rin's bedroom and have settled on Rin's bed. Nobody could harm them there; no one could reach them and remind them of the wrongness of their sin. How could the rest of the world understand them, when Haru still struggles to put the words on that powerful link that binds him with Rin so strongly?

Rin pins him gently against the door. Haru puts the lights on and grasps on his shirt but Rin would have none of it. He switches the interrupter back and plunges the room into utter darkness.

"I've always wanted to do it in the dark." He soughs suggestively. With his hands resting firmly on Haru's waist and blinded by the absence of light, Rin leans his body against Haru's fully in order to feel every inch of him. He touches him, every part of him to replace his muted sight. His sensitive lips run on Haru's soft skin, on his cheeks and eyelids, before kissing the top of his nose and, finally, finding a pair of wanting lips to care for.

They melt instantaneously. Rin's hands leave his waist to take Haru's; their fingers entwine so strongly that within a minute their palms are covered with sweat. Haru can feel the back of his head being pushed harshly on the door behind him; Rin's passion is crunching him too hard on the wooden frame, so hard it shall probably hurt. Nevertheless Haru doesn't feel anything but want, pleasure and craving coming from Rin, and it's powerful enough to shut down every other unwelcome and unsolicited sensations he might have.

They only unlock their hands when Rin pushes him on the bed. Haru can feel the softness of the sheets under his fingers; it's nothing like the one of Rin's lips when they assault him again, nibbling on his own, making them open to rush his hungry tongue deeper inside him. His palms leave the bed to disappear in the mass of red hair, his fingers playing with rebel bangs as he pulls Rin closer and angles their face better. They kiss, passionately; while Rin caresses Haru's stomach and chest under his clothes Haru takes care of Rin's, and soon his black T-shirt falls on the floor. Haru licks on Rin's tongue, sucks on it; he wants to make it disappear in his throat so that they would stay stuck forever with their mouth glued together until the end of time. He doesn't try to repress a desperate whine when Rin breaks up the kiss.

"You want to kiss me again?"

Rin is straddling him; Haru sits up on the bed and tries to brush his fingertips on Rin's cheeks in the dark. He shudders when he makes contact with the hot skin.

"I do." He murmurs, and he closes the small distance separating their lips and kisses him again, gently. He traps Rin's bottom lip with his, and then goes for to corner of his mouth, his cheekbones, his temple, the sensitive area just behind his ear where his jaw starts.

"We have all night for that."

Rin's voice is charming, arousing and definitely needy. They'll have to keep futile details for later, that's what he meant; and the message hasn't fallen on deaf ears, for Haru feels quite on edge himself.

Tonight he wants to possess Rin, to own him; and he wants Rin to be very aware of that will of his.

"I want you to undress and to lie on your stomach."

Rin's breath is hot on the crook of his neck. It gets quicker, and the knowing sends shivers down Haru's spine.

"You want me naked and on my stomach?" Rin repeats, seductively. He doesn't have to turn him on like that any further than that though; Haru's already fully aroused, just like he is right now.

"Yes," he whispered back, "I want you this way tonight."

With his mouth fully opened Haru runs his bottom lip on Rin's neck from its crook to his ear, and swallows his earlobe entirely. He licks and sucks on it softly, just the way Rin likes it; his hairs erect on his skin from the base of his neck to the ones on his big toes and Haru can feel the goose bumps under his touch, amazingly, as he strokes Rin's arm and pushes him on the bed along with him.

It's quite impressive just how much Rin can respond to his touch when Haru caresses him in all the right places.

Rin undresses while Haru opens a drawer and takes out some condoms and the lube. "Can you touch me a little before?" He hears Rin ask when he puts his boxers down, eventually. Rin spreads his legs and Haru doesn't even need light to know that he is probably eating him with his eyes as he bends his head and nuzzles on his inner thigh. He drops light kisses on his way up to Rin's crotch.

"You've shaved." He says then, his tone deprived of any kind of surprise or amazement - he's just stating a blatant fact after all - and yet he hears Rin groan as if he was embarrassed. He hits his head with his thigh for stopping him - or urging him quicker to his groin, who knows - and Haru complies. The tip of his nose runs through Rin's half erected length, and then down; Haru licks on Rin's balls before turning his mouth's attention to his cock again. His tongue tickles the sensitive skin through the tip and when Haru puts it in his mouth, Rin lets out a content sigh, finally. Haru hears the rustling of the sheet as Rin bends his head backward with pleasure, and satisfied with the effect he has on him Haru licks on him, making him fully hard with his lips firmly closed around him. His hands are grasping Rin's buttocks on one side, and his hip on the other to maintain him on the bed - Rin is hyper sensitive and can have some unexpected violent reaction which had already caused Haru some harm in the past so now he is being careful.

Haru runs the flat of his tongue harshly against his dorsal vein. He can literally feel the rush of blood under the flesh. Rin loses his hand in his hair and then, when he finally moans loudly Haru knows it's time to stop his ministration.

"You say just 'a little'." He reminds him before Rin has time to complain. Haru takes off his shirt and pants. He opens the lube and slathers three of his fingers with it. By the time he finishes Rin is already on his stomach.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not yet. You haven't put anything inside, have you?"

"I was talking about your front."

He can practically hear Rin smirk from there. "That's why I only asked you to touch me a little, you dumbass."

Haru shuts him up by putting one finger inside him. He moves in and out without asking for Rin's approval, but it's only because he knows Rin likes it that way - he likes when Haru is rough, harsh; he likes when the grip on his wrist is so strong that it leaves bruises, he likes when Haru sucks and bites on his skin. And it's exactly what Haru wants for tonight.

He wants Rin to feel him like he has never felt him before. He wants to leave a reminder of his presence so that Rin won't be able to think of anyone else but him when he's gone.

Rin grasps on the sheets tougher when Haru adds the second finger. He lets out a whine and Haru stops for a moment. He waits for Rin to relax around him and when he does, he tries to find a better angle to go even deeper inside him, to make him moan and go crazy and blow up his mind so that he won't be able to think about anything but the overwhelming pleasure Haru is offering him.

When he starts to pant Haru puts the third finger in. Rin bulks his hips against his touch.

"Haru," he moans, "I want you."

He kisses the back of his neck; his mouth moves near his ear. "You're ready?"

Rin nods, he doesn't have the strength to speak, not when Haru hits on his sweet spot and makes him almost shout in bliss. "Haru," he says again, "Haru please, I want you now."

There's only the noise of a condom being torn opened and of breathless lovers troubling the silence of the night. Outside the window there is not even an owl hooting a serenade for them. Haru adjusts himself on Rin's entrance, the footsteps get nearest to the front door, he finally enters him and in the darkness of their sanctuary Haru swears he has seen the light - someone puts the lights on downstairs, the young woman takes off her high heels.

Haru stills for a second but soon, Rin's hips urge him to move again. He feels so tight that it's even difficult for Haru to get out. He thrusts in again, Rin lets out a moan. It makes him lose his mind for good.

He loves it when he makes Rin moan like that. It makes him think of the siren song, the sound that can make any good man go crazy and lose any kind of common sense, until he finally finds his death in the ocean's depth. Is that why he keeps on dreaming of being a mermaid? Is that the true meaning behind those images; has he drowned because he had succumbed to Rin's song?

He thrusts in deeper. The force of it makes Rin breaks his back into two. "Aaaah, Haru again!" He moans, it's like a delightful melody to Haru's ears, and Rin's sweaty skin taste of the nectar of gods and nothing else matters, nothing else can compare to that feeling of absolution and state of grace.

"Aaah, There, Haru-"

*squeak*

Haru's hips move on their own now, lost in his desire, he goes further and deeper into Rin with his chest fully resting in his back, their bodies sliding against each other thanks to the pearls of sweat that had formed there.

"Haru, stop for a second."

He bites on his lips to repress a moan; why would he ask such non sense now? "You're coming too soon?"

"No Haru stop now!" He whispers, his tone alarmed. "I think Sousuke is there."

Haru freezes on the spot. He rests on his elbow and against Rin's back, dreading, waiting for a noise to confirm Rin's theory. Alas for them, the giggling coming from the corridor behind the closed door doesn't leave any places for hope.

"What is he doing here that early?" Rin whispered in panic.

"It's already 10.45 PM."

"What? Really? But exactly how much time did we spend on kissing?"

Haru shrugs, but Rin can't see it. He is almost shaking under his body - but it's not the end of the world, it's just Sousuke being here in his room with a girl and they will probably do the same thing as they were doing before they got interrupted. They will absolutely give no shits about what happens in Rin's room.

It doesn't make any sense to be that concerned about Sousuke being here...unless...is Rin embarrassed to have sex when his old crush is there, at all ears?

(If Haru's mind was a room with a tidy desk, there would be a cupboard full of clothes next to it. Each cloth would be printed with the words 'misunderstander' or 'miscommunicater', in big, red, capital letters.

But Haru doesn't always find it useful to ask before making assumption.

That's something he should have done from the very start.)

He moves inside Rin again; he doesn't know how or why but this has turned into a competition for him. And he is not ready to lose to Sousuke, he won't let him have Rin, not this way.

"Ha-what the fuck-are you doing?"

"What the fuck aren't you doing, Rin?"

Rin lifts himself on his elbows and turns his head towards Haru. "What are you talking about? He's gonna hear us!"

"And?"

"And what ? Do you want...him to...find out - come on Haru this is insane I'll never give you alcohol again-"

"How can he know who you're with?"

Rin stays silent, he isn't struggling when Haru caresses his side, and goes down on the small of his back. "He doesn't know that I am the one in there, does he?" Haru kisses the back of his neck tenderly and goes down to the place between his shoulder blades. "And if you keep very, very quiet I'm ready to bet he won't even notice what we're doing."

A well placed thrust ends up breaking Rin's reluctance. "You do want me that badly then?" he whispers in the night; Haru only responds with a shudder of lust and goes for Rin's hand.

"Yes I do."

He feels Rin tightened around him and then, he gives in, entirely. His head falls on the pillow, he bites on the soft fabric to tone down his moans. Haru rests his head near Rin's, his hot breath skimming over his ear; his hands are feverish on Rin's moist skin, and he grazes his back and hips with his short nails without breaking on the skin. His grip becomes more harsh as he starts moving inside him again in an agonizing slow pace, slow but firm, all the while sucking on Rin's ear when he's not himself moaning softly.

His head is about to explode. This is exactly what he had wanted from the very start; he is feeling Rin like he has never done before. Their skins are on fire, hypersensitive and hyper reactive, Rin still jolts each time he caresses his side and the top of his ass, and the way his hips sensually move to match his thrust is definitely going to be the death of him.

This is not just sex, Haru realizes. Maybe it has never been just that, to begin with. There had always been something else as soon as it concerns Rin.

Haru strengthens his grip on Rin's hand. He needs, desperately, to know what it is, that bond between them both. He needs to know and at the same time Haru is so scared he already knows the answer.

"Aaah Rin- I'm-"

The door bursts open.

"Excuse me! I'm the naked straight roommate. Please don't mind me, just go on."

Rin gasps, and quickly hides them both under the sheets. Haru retires unceremoniously and rests on Rin's chest with his head covered from Sousuke's sight. Rin's heart is pounding madly in his ribcage, he can hear him whispering some obscenities again - 'shit shit Shit!' - and even after the intruder is long gone, the pace of his heart doesn't slow down. Haru drops a sweet kiss where his heart should be. But it doesn't seem to have the effect he expected.

"Do you think he's seen you?" Rin asks with his hand resting on Haru's head.

"I don't know."

"I...I don't think he did."

"Me neither."

"The room is pretty dark. I hid you on time."

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay...okay...it's...it's fine then."

Rin's voice is quavering, muttering the word in Haru's hair. He kisses the top of his head, as if he wanted - needed - to get reassured. He holds him close to his chest.

"Do you think he knows?"

Haru listens to Rin's heart; it's still beating incredibly fast, his fingers are frozen his in hair, and that's how he realizes that Rin is in fact very scared.

"Has he done, or said, something that leads you to think he does?" Haru asks really calmly. They can hear the girl from the other side of the wall. He probably hasn't seen him at all...or he wouldn't be able to enjoy such things mindlessly.

"I don't know. He might. Remember the day we...kissed at the pool?"

The day Haru threw up in the bin just after that and shove him away? How could he ever forget about that…

He nods.

"Well that night...I thought I would never see you again. I didn't want to, to be honest; you kind of hurt me badly back then but in hindsight I realized it was just a futile attempt to regain a little bit of control on what you were making me feel at that time...anyway. I left my phone at home and went running. When I came back Sousuke had deleted all of your messages that I haven't read yet. And what he told me afterwards was kind of enigmatic but...I think he had a bad feeling about this. What did you text me back then?"

"Nothing really." Haru replies softly. "Something along the line of 'we need to talk' and 'I'm sorry'."

"Yeah that's the kind of things I would have expected, coming from you."

"What do you mean by that?"

Rin ruffs his hair; he probably meant to be affectionate but the harshness of his gesture hardly hides his uneasiness. "Well, you know. You're not very...demonstrative. You don't talk a lot."

"Ah." That's what he meant then. Was it?

"And..." Rin's hand stops moving on his head. "Do you think Makoto knows?"

"...I don't know."

Haru talks frankly. For the moment Makoto has done nothing that could betray his knowledge on their affair but...the simple fact that he isn't aware of that just feels out of place. Makoto always knows what's going on inside Haru's head, sometimes even before he does. Of course things at home had been kind of tense lately, but there had been a lot of other reasons to explain the lack of fondness, of harmony and of tenderness coming from Makoto these days.

Their last fight, for example, is still left unfinished.

The Makoto he knows should have been aware of them. There was no way he could have let that slip. What was happening? Does he know but choose not to tell? Or does he really have no clue...have they lost their telepathy link over the years?

As he thinks the problem over again, Haru listens to the regular and quick rhythm coming out of Rin's chest. It's still not slowing down. It should have by now. Rin breathes more loudly too.

And then, Haru hears a very low, strangled sob. He is crying. Rin is crying and he is trying to hide it from him and the simple thought makes him ache even more than the possibility of someone finding out about them.

"Rin!" he whispers; he crawls on Rin with their chest touching, and cups his cheeks with his thumb cleaning the tears away. "Rin what's wrong? Talk to me!"

He sniffs loudly, proudly trying to hide his tears away as usual. Rin can be adorable when he gets stubborn like this.

His voice sounds broken when he finally finds the strength to speak.

"I...I can't. I'm sorry I can't."

"Can't what?"

"I can't continue like this!"

Haru sits up on Rin's hips. Somehow, as he leaves the warmth coming from the sheets and Rin's body, he realizes how much colder the air is on his skin. Rin is crying just under him, and he can't find the words to ease him. What he has said...it cannot be real...he was joking, right? That's the only explanation...That was just a bad dream. Haru has fallen asleep watching that movie thanks to all the red wine he'd drunk and none of this has happened. Sousuke has never been Rin's first crush, he has never interrupted them and Rin never said that he didn't want their affair to continue any further.

This is something that couldn't be happening. Not right now. Not yet.

"Aren't you going to say something now?" Rin sobs as he sits on the bed as well. Haru looks towards what he thinks is Rin's face but he cannot be sure in the dark, and even if the lights were on he isn't totally sure that he would be able to see him. It's like everything had been shut down. Rin's words haven't just left him speechless; they have done so much damage, so much harm and have left him half dead, bleeding to death on the white sheets of their bed.

(It was their room. Their bed. Their sanctuary. How could Rin reject him like that?)

Haru hears a small 'click' and the light comes out. Rin has turned on the small and old lamp on his night table. He now can see clearly his red and swollen eyes, when on the other hand Rin might only be able to see a ghost sitting on his lap, his eyes unfocused and mind gone in a far, faraway place - maybe in the depth of the ocean with other unlucky sailors who'd fallen for the siren's song.

"Haru," he says, to make him focus - it poorly failed - "Haru, what am I to you?"

In response Haru just takes his hand in his. He strokes on the soft skin with his thumb, his eyes stuck on the scene, avoiding Rin's and his fateful question. He has no answer to give him. There is nothing he can think of, nothing he has ever seen before that can explain fully what Rin truly represents for him.

---

(At some point Haru thought he was in love with Rin.

But it's Makoto he is with now, it's him he is supposed to love and during their seven years together, even from the very start, it has never felt like that.)

---

"Because sometimes I feel like you're just playing with me, you know?"

"Pardon?"

Rin's words again sting on his skin like a needle, forcing him to come back from his dreamy world and to face the reality; because he cannot let him say such insanity. If there's something Rin isn't, it's certainly a game for him. He isn't just playing around - they are serious about this, aren't they? They have never talked about it but it was pretty much obvious. Wasn't it?

"Haru you really never thought about what I felt, not even once, did you? You never tried to see things from another perspective."

That's right. He never tried because he was too busy trying to figure out what was happening in his own heart. It's not because he didn't care. It's because he is just bad at those things. It's not because he thought Rin wasn't important.

"I am a man who is screwing up a very long and healthy relationship because I couldn't control myself. I'm a man who has lived in fear that someone would notice what I felt for you, and told me I was doing something wrong, put me in front of my crimes, and forced me to stop seeing you. Because I knew from the very start, I knew I would never be able to forget about you. And the fact that you were already with someone else made me feel so miserable. I couldn't help but think that I would be happy if you broke up with him so I could have you all by myself; and just the thought of wishing someone to be unhappy for my sake...I couldn't handle it at first.

But all the guilt I felt always disappeared when I was with you - when I'm with you. I feel like I forget everything else, I forget how awful I am and all the thoughts that are eating me alive and forbidding me to sleep at night melt away when I look at your eyes. And when I noticed that the way you looked at me left no place to speculation I kind of lost my mind. I thought it was okay to flirt. I thought it was okay to try to have you; because with the way you looked at me I knew it was what you wanted too.

And the more time we spent together as lovers the more I got angry at the thought that you weren't mine. Can you even imagine how it is to know that you sleep in someone else's arms every night? That none of your friends or mine will ever know about us? Did you even think about how horrible I feel for doing what we do? I never tried to talk about it because I imagined it was the same for you...I mean, I know you and the rare times you spoke about Makoto I could feel the uneasiness in your voice; so I never pressed the matter further. But you, it's just...

I feel like I was made for you, Haru,

I feel like every single one of my bones was made to be incrusted into yours. That all my flaws, all the irregularly of my body find their place and fit into yours. All of the things I never understood about me, about who I was really and what I was supposed to accomplish here, they all found their answer the moment I met you. You're my missing half, Haru; I know it sounds crazy but what I feel, it's so strong, it makes me stop eating and stop sleeping so how can it be something else?

And then I looked at you and, I had the feeling that what you felt for me was far from being the same. You jumped on me every time we had a moment and you never talked about what you feel, about what you thought we're doing...That's why, you understand now? You have to. It cannot continue like this, or I'll never get over you. I'm tired of being unhappy and miserable because of you Haru. I'm tired of waiting in fear for the day where you would wake up from your daze and end this because you think it's finally time to stop playing around. So, if I'm just some kind of final distraction just before the wedding-"

"Wait."

Haru has trouble breathing, he doesn't know how to deal with all those information at the same time - why does Rin have to be such a romantic and emotional bomb when he couldn't even handle his own - and there is so much wrongness in what Rin has just said; but this one sounds alarming, because it rings a bell in Haru's memory, and somehow some of Rin's weird behavior could maybe find their answer, if he asks the good question.

"Which wedding are you talking about?"

"Well, yours, isn't it obvious?" Rin looks devastated; Haru wants to scream. "I saw the rings on your phone. I also saw you with a friend of yours going to the jewelry store - it's the place I've been shot, I always have my jog down there, my analyst told me it was unhealthy but I don't really care. I get it now, you're just feeling anxious and you doubt and-"

"But we're not the ones getting married!"

Haru has never wanted more to take Rin's head and to smash it against the nearest wall. The thought makes him want to vomit, or to jump in a bucket of icy water. Where...how did Rin end up with that idea stuck in his mind?

Is that only because he is scared of losing him?

Or does his own ineptitude of showing his inner emotions have a role to play as well?

He only realizes it now, but Rin is just insecure about them. That's why he doesn't want to continue like this. It's not because he wants it to stop. It's because he is afraid of getting too much hurt if Haru decides to leave him.

But it's not going to happen.

Is it?

(It is the very moment when Haru finally acknowledges the fact that, however he turns it in his mind, when he tries to visualize his future it's only to find Rin walking along side with him, hand in hand. It's a very scary thought to have. It's the kind of dream that makes you vulnerable, dependent of someone else but after everything Rin has said tonight, suddenly the thought doesn't frighten him anymore.

Because now he knows that Rin feels the same.)

"...Really?" Rin says, incredulously.

"Yeah. It was for a friend. The rings were from his soon to be husband. He wanted me to choose for him."

"...What kind of relationship is that?"

Haru shrugs, he is not the right person to judge other's relationship; and Rei and Nagisa are very happy together so there is no need to be critical - it's just how Nagisa is, but it's not something Haru can teach Rin now, it's not the time and in any cases, he'll need to be with Nagisa to understand Nagisa.

And then, Haru remembers what Rin has just said. He will probably never meet him. He won't have the opportunity to introduce him to his friends because of what they are.

That's something he never thought of. Each time they are together he forgets about the world outside, about his life without Rin but those people still exist. They can't live a life with just the two of them, lost and hidden under the sheets of Rin's bed. Even if it's what Haru longs for right now he knows it's impossible.

What is he going to do now?

"Okay...I got...carried away but it doesn't change what I said. None of it. I know how it will end, you'll never leave Makoto for me and I will end up broken anyway so I might as well do it myself now while I still have the strength to."

"No."

"What 'no'? There is no 'no'. You don't have the right to decide this for me-"

"I'll tell him."

"Because this is a decision I made on my own and you have absolutely no right to make me change my mind when I'm all vulnerable like that and - what? What did you say?"

"You heard it right the first time."

At this hour of the night the sky should be full of stars. Maybe not in the very center of the city where the lights coming from the houses and streets mask the beauty of the scenery but where he was born, in Iwami near the shore, Haru is sure the sky is full of stars as he looks at Rin. His eyes are dark and wet, and they are bright and shining just like the sky he wishes they could both see one day, the sky of his childhood, the one he grew up under.

There are times when Haru hates making him cry. And there are times when the tears are worth it.

"But...but..." Rin just can't find his words. Haru doesn't mind it, he didn't even think about it twice before he had said those words but it had felt like the very right things to do in this moment - it was certainly bold, but for now, it's okay. For now, Rin's happiness is more important than any things else in the world.

"What about...about...and Makoto..."

"You know, I don't...I don't think he really loves me." He says, and it's big news for Rin as well as for himself, actually. "You made me realize...he is in love with the concept of us, I think. He likes the idea of us being together, like a perfect couple; but he doesn't love me for who I am. We've been together for so long, I feel like he is scared of being left alone; that he cannot find the resolve to cut the cord."

Rin takes him in his arms and cries, his head resting on his bare shoulder; Haru caresses his back until the tears stop. They stayed still, for maybe half an hour. They can hear Sousuke snoring from the other room - Rin laughs softly.

"He's always like that when he drinks a little too much."

Haru smiles against Rin's hair. "I hope I won't snore that much then."

"You snore?"

"Sometimes; when I'm sick, mostly."

He hears Rin tsks; he doesn't seem very amused at the thought. "I should probably warn you then. I often steal the blanket and, it's very likely that I'll kick you out of bed in the middle of the night so if you end up waking up on the floor, you'll know why."

It makes Haru laugh, warmly. The brightness of his voice even manages to surprise him - and Rin as well, but it was to be expected - and he can't help but smile fondly. The simple fact of knowing such small and insignificant details about Rin makes him honestly incredibly happy.

"I have so many things to learn about you." He says, stroking on his hair, "I really can't wait to learn everything I don't know yet."

"And then, what will you do?" Rin asks in a strange tone. "What will do you when you'll know everything about me? Will you get tired of me?"

There are no stars in Rin's eyes anymore. There're no tears either. It's just his usual flaming red eyes, full of determination. Haru has the feeling that he is testing him; he wants to know if he can trust him, or more precisely, to know how far his trust can go.

"I thought I knew all I needed to know about love." Haru replies thoughtfully, "I thought I loved Makoto. And I thought Makoto loved me too, I truly did. I thought I knew what love was and then I met you."

Sometimes, the answer is easier than expected.

Sometimes, you just have to erase what you think you know and start learning again. See things from a new perspective.

Times change, people change, everything changes. The vision you have of the world isn't a fixed picture; it's something that keeps on moving along with the person you become as time goes by.

Rin holds him closer to his chest and starts crying again. Really, Haru thinks, he needs to stop doing that each time they are getting emotional - it's no wonder why they never talk about those things, because if only Rin knew just half of what Haru feels for him, it would certainly be enough to make him cry enough tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool.

But after all, with his own words, Haru has just told him that he loves him.

That he isn't planning to go anywhere without him.

So, Rin has the right to cry of happiness; but it's just for that time.

Because if he concentrates enough on his eyes, Haru can feel that they are starting to get slightly wet as well.

"Do I…Rin, are you really unhappy with me?" He asks as Rin sweeps the tears away from his eyes.

He gives him a brilliant smile before turning the lights out. "Yeah, I was."

---

4.30 AM comes too quickly for the both of them. They have barely been able to sleep; Haru may have closed his eyes for a second near 2 AM and the second after the alarm on his phone had woken him up. He stretches out his limbs, and kicks on Rin; he wakes him up with a growl of pain.

"Already?" Rin mumbles.

Haru just yawns in response. He gets dressed in the dark.

"Hey,"

He can't remember where he has put his T-shirt.

"Are you really going to talk to him?"

Haru freezes on the spot, even if he really didn't intend to. Last night has gone from the utter nightmare to a place in heaven but now, at nearly 5 AM in the darkness of Rin's room, Haru starts to think that he may have spoken a little bit too quickly.

But after all if it was the only way to keep Rin then, he had no other choice.

"Come here," Rin says before he leaves, "Don't forget my goodbye kiss."

Haru crawls on the bed and, as expected, Rin grabs him and pulls in a very tight hug. He kisses the top of his head.

"Don't make me wait too long, you idiot," he says, his voice full of adoration is singing in his ears and Haru then forgets why he had felt so bad seconds ago, "Because that heart of mine you've stolen is helplessly in love with you and aches every seconds that are not spent with you."

The confession Rin made last night echoes in Haru's heart as they kiss goodbye. He sighs in Rin's arms, holds him strongly against his chest to the point of hurting; because he wants to be a hundred per cent sure that it's not another dream of his.

He pulls on his shoes and leaves the house with his head on cloud nine. If they were in a shoujo manga, Haru is sure people could see a couple of red heart floating around his head, or the ghost of Cupid's golden arrow planted in his chest. As he enters his house he can still feel him. Rin is following him everywhere. His love lingers on his skin and heart, invades his mind and soul. It's incrusted in him so strongly that he isn't sure he will manage to make it go away. But it's okay, because he doesn't want to.

He writes a text to Rin. It's really on a whim. It's because of all those feelings rushing through him and making him smile like an idiot who has gone high – like, gosh, Haru really has the feeling that he's just smoked some good weed.

'I love you too.' He sends, and this time, he didn't delete the message – he is just too happy to do so.

Rin doesn't answer right away. Haru tries to sleep but he feels too excited and impatient. He ends up in the kitchen and makes some breakfast, and then he takes a bath. When he comes down he notices that Makoto's part is gone. It's 7 AM already, he is probably sleeping in their room. Haru tiptoes near the bed, takes back his phone and his stuff and then, he goes to work, feeling not tired in the slightest after his short and intense night with Rin.

---

And then eventually, Haru comes down from his state of grace.

---

Rin never answered his message. When he double-checks before leaving the restaurant, he notices that even the message he's sent early this morning is gone.

He feels a drop of cold sweat going down his spine.

Nagisa has called him before closure. They are finally engaged. Of course, he and Makoto are going to be their best man.

Ran sent him a very polite text as well, about the baby, about how happy she is that they will go and visit them in a couple of months.

When Haru comes home his hands are shaking.

Rin makes him forget the whole world around him. He has made him forget about Makoto for long, but that's not just him. He isn't the only thing he might lose if he finally gathers the courage to confess their love affair.

The house, their friend, the people he had known his whole life. He might lose all of that.

If it was only a question of love the choice would have been simple but, it's not just that. It's a choice about the kind of life Haru wants, or what he is ready or not to sacrifice for it. Why do things always had to have a terrible timing?

(If only he had met Rin a little bit later. Or a lot sooner. Why hadn't they met when they were in high school? Or even sooner?)

When he gets home, a little bit stunned, he doesn't even realize Makoto has cooked his favorite dish.

"Welcome home!" He says, with a warm smile. He doesn't look at him in the eyes. He doesn't even thank him for the meal.

They go to bed without talking, and then, he kisses him goodnight. Haru licks on his lips; he wants to remember how he tastes like, what he tasted like and why he enjoyed it so much before he met Rin.

But he can't find an answer. Sure it's far from being unpleasant but it's not-

"I wonder where you've learned to kiss like that."

Makoto turns off the light and turns his back to him, leaving Haru with fear and trembling. In the silence of the night Haru can't find any stars in the sky as he looks towards the window. It's the second time of the week that he spent a sleepless night but this time, it's not exactly for the same reason.

The air on his skin feels so cold.

He wants to disappear in the depth of the Ocean, and never to reappear again.

---

(If Haru's mind was a room, there would of course be a bed. Just in front of the desk, a humble bed with an old blanket, probably one of his grandmother's. It would be harsh and itchy, with kitsch designs but very warm; it's something that he would never get rid of whatever people would tell him. He would sleep alone in this bed originally made for two.

One day, he would wake up with a pink post it resting on the pillow next to his head, and on it he could read those the words, written with his grandmother's beautiful handwriting:

'He knows'.)