Mondays Chapter 4: Haru's Mondays Part Three, a free! - iwatobi swim club fanfic

HI, hum, this is actually the last chapter of what was supposed to be a 2 shots. Yay.

It's pretty long, more than 20k. It took me only a week to write. I really hope you will enjoy it, I have no idea of what is running in your head before reading but I hope what I give you will be better than your best guessing.

It's super recommended to reread chapter one. Like, really. There is a lot of things that are left unsaid because they happened in chapter one. And it's easier to follow the timeline of the story. (You will excuse me for chapter one ao3 messed a lot with the chapter so there is a lot of space randomly added here and then, especially near the end.)

I had listen to a lot of music while writing this. Mostly Coldplay - X & Y (What if +++) and the three songs that are mentioned in the fic. La Superbe de Benjamin Biolay (and a lot of other songs from the French artist) - Stuck on a Puzzle by Alex Turner for the movie Submarine - I follow rivers by Lykke Li.

I need to thank all the people who had helped me going through this because it was really hard to write. Thanks to my waifus Swirly Iki and pushpullD (haha new nickname), thank you matecentric (new nickname as well) and everyone who had to bear with me complaining.

Thank to all of you who decided to read this even if the plot is heavy.

Here it comes!

Also FF messed all of the setting again, so you can read it on Ao3 it will be more enjoyable. Sorry about that :/

WARNING : Angst, depression. (Like, really), and maybe mentions of death here and there. :)

On reste Dieu merci à la merci d'une étincelle

Quelque part à Paris au fin fond du bar d'un hôtel

Dès la prochaine vie je rêve de se rester fidèle

Quelle aventure; quelle aventure.

La Superbe - Benjamin Biolay

Haru - the Man who Fell in Love on Mondays - Part 3

The radio is still playing on the little set they keep in the bathroom. Makoto surely forgot to turn it off before going to work. It's Monday morning, but Haru can't find the courage to get up and text Rin. He doesn't have any strength left in his bones; and he still hasn't tell a thing to Makoto when he'd had the whole weekend, because the hurt look on his face took the last strings of his thin resolve away.

His phone vibrates. When Haru crawls on his stomach to see who's from, it's with a relieved sigh that he reads the name of none but his short blond friend.

'Coming for lunch break!'

That should do it. Nagisa is a human battery; he shall be giving him the energy he desperately lacks these days. This time he can't do it alone. There are just so much things he needs to sort out, and if he can't tell Makoto at least, he has to tell someone - and that someone can only be Nagisa.

He lies down again on top of the blanket and looks at the ceiling. There are some mosquitos cadavers still distinguishable on the white surface - it's the beginning of summer after all, and Makoto likes to sleep with the windows opens. He rests his phone on his chest bone, waiting for it to vibrate again because he likes the feeling. It's only when he realizes that he is mainly, mechanically waiting for the news from Rin that the thought irks him - he puts it on the pillow next to him.

There is a soft, calming ballade playing on the radio now.

'I'm not the kind of fool who's gonna sit and sing to you, about stars girl,' It sings, 'But last night I looked up unto the dark half of the blue, and they'd gone backwards.'

Haru rolls on his side, listening to soothing melody.

Something in your magnetism must have pissed them off, forcing them to get an early night.

I have been searching from the bottom to the top, for such a sight;

as the one I've caught when I saw your fingers deem in the light,

Like you're used to being told that you're trouble.

And I spend all night, stuck on the puzzle.'

(Haru felt very stuck indeed. This song reminded him of Rin as well. There wasn't a single thing, a single song, a single phrase, a single object that didn't make Haru think of him. Rin was stuck at the back of his retina, and his image reflected in everything Haru laid his eyes on. And each time it reminded him of his absence; and each time it made him ache.

His smiling face was painted on the white ceiling. Haru felt his heart skip a beat. He desperately wanted to see him.)

"Haruuuuu~~?"

Haru has left the door opened for Nagisa to come to him without getting up from his bed. Even if his heart feels more alive and vigorous than it has been in ages, the same thing couldn't be said for his limbs. Haru feels tired, even exhausted; it's not the kind of physical tiredness, no, it's something else entirely; a force that forbids him to lift his hand up to the hair to get the hair out of his face and that makes him feel like sinking in the depth of his own bed.

Haru isn't hungry either. Nagisa bought some snacks; he ate all of them, while never looking elsewhere but directly at Haru's face, and his avoiding eyes.

"We found a great place for the ceremony already. Rei wants us to hurry before his parents leave." Nagisa says, grinning; but it's not his usual smile, somehow it feels forced, it feels wrong, "We called in a caterer; after what we witnessed at Ran's wedding there is no way we're going to make you work for us - don't be upset about it. We want you to enjoy the party with us. You'll be the best man after all."

"I'm not upset." Haru says.

Nagisa's speech has succeeded in redirecting his attention to something else than the sight of Rin, grinning and stunning and waiting for him to act, Haru cannot pretend he doesn't see in the ceiling. Lying on his side, Haru picks a piece of bread. Some crumbs fall on the sheets.

"Haru...are you alright?"

At last the fake smile disappears from Nagisa's honest face. He's always been awful at lying, even worse than him. Haru sighs.

"I don't think so."

There is something dramatic about the way that Nagisa puts his sandwich on the floor - it's the slowness of it, it's the illusion that it weights of a hundred pounds and yet, seems so fragile; just like Haru's heart has been lately.

"If there is something...I know that I haven't been a really good friend lately," Nagisa says in a quiet voice, "I've asked you a lot of things and you never asked anything in return - the ring is perfect and Rei had no clue and, it's all thanks to you. It's thanks to you that we're where we are now and I was so happy that I didn't see you were doing not fine."

From what he hears and guesses, Haru has the feeling that Nagisa isn't only talking about him, but of something greater.

"Did...did Makoto say something?"

His fist curls and grasps on the sheets tighter. Nagisa's gaze drops on the floor.

"...He might. You know he started spending a lot of time with us on Saturday nights since you've started working on Sundays."

"He didn't tell me."

"I have the feeling that he isn't the only one, who had started hiding things from the other; Am I right?"

Haru turns his head away; he doesn't need to be told of his fault again. He already feels more ashamed than he thought it would be possible.

"I guess that was it..." Nagisa sits on the bed next to Haru's legs. "You know, since I've known you both, I have always been kind of jealous of the relationship you had."

Haru watches blankly the image of Rin getting blurred from his eyes.

"You can't even imagine how happy I was when Makoto told me you were dating. All I could think of was 'Finally!', because to me you looked perfect together. You had always worked with perfect harmony and to be honest Makoto has always looked so taken with you, since I can't remember so I was really happy for him. I could help but wish to find someone like Makoto was to you. That's why I guess it took me so much time to understand that...well, you know what." Nagisa smiles fondly, probably thinking about Rei again. "Anyway, it's only later, years later than we started to realize there was something lacking between you two."

Haru lifts his head, a little. "What do you mean by that?"

"That now that I've had my own experience, I started to realize that the idea I've made of the perfect couple that you were, when I was younger, was in fact not perfect at all, not when I looked behind the surface. I have looked at you a lot and saw nothing but an old antic bridge on the verge on collapsing. You were an old, impressive and majestic roman bridge but when I took a closer look I could see all the flaws, the breaches, and the missing brick at your foundation. From that time I kind of knew you were doomed to crumble, and it scared me. It scared me so much that I chose not to see it. I chose to forget it and you seemed to do the same. I guess in the end we, all of us, played the ostrich-like approach. Because I was scared that it will set the four of us apart."

They are exactly eight mosquito's cadavers, just next to the ceiling light. The room is rather big, since it contains stuff from the both of them - and some of Haru's painting, his easel, his aquarelle - but from all the places the small insects have decided to stay near the light. As if it had been impossible for them to go elsewhere.

(After all, humans are only cultural animals, aren't they?)

"I'm in love with someone else."

Haru can see the surprise on Nagisa's face, but never the aversion he thought he deserves. Nagisa is polite enough not to gasp, or to shout; he just stills on the bed with his hand sets on Haru's leg. He has grown so much since high school; it's certainly the most adult of the whole group now.

"Okay." He says, and, that's all.

The fact that they are both still together in their living room, drinking coffee with half dozens of macaroons Nagisa brought, with a kind smile on his face is an utter mystery to Haru. He had expected tears, cries, disdain and rejection; he had expected the world to hate him and yet Nagisa was making sure that absolutely everything was perfect for Haru.

(Be careful the coffee is hot - how many sugar? Oh right just one, I take two and Rei none, I can't remember everything I always mix up - Just for you to know there is no mackerel flavor, and I asked, trust me - Do you need something else? - Do you want to watch TV?)

"I don't even remember how many sugars Makoto takes with his coffee."

"Haru..."

The TV is on, but it's more for distracting him than because they actually watch it. The noise is good, anything but silence is good; in the silence every single of his heart beats echoes stronger in his head, and they're screaming Rin's name and the need to touch him. His phone has been vibrating since they left the room - it's 1PM already, they have to go to the pool in an hour - and Haru thought that with Nagisa he'll be able to ignore it. He can't. He's tried but he can't.

Rin is the light and Haru is just a brainless mosquito; and even knowing that he'll get burned if he flies closer to the light he hurries towards it nonetheless.

"I am horrible. I feel...awful. To think that I've been - we've been - wrong all those years. Seven years in vain...I don't know what to do." Haru buries his face in his arms, hiding it from Nagisa's attentive gaze. "I love Rin. I love him so much that it made me realized how much of a fool I was to think it was love we had with Makoto. It's nowhere near what I feel right now. I thought I loved him for seven years and it was just a lie."

Nagisa puts his cup on the table. "So you've already made up your mind? About what to do?"

"It's not like I have the choice."

In front of him Nagisa pulls on a bemused expression that Haru chooses not to comment on. There's no point in explaining to him anyway, how fateful his love for Rin is. That's not something he can explain with words only. That's not something people outside of them can understand.

"You know Haru, there is something that Rei told me long ago - well it was his mother saying, but she got it from her grandmother herself, who got it from a singer in the 1900s', something like that - so, I mean, it's a very old truth, that's what I truly mean. Anyway, Rei one day told me that there were as many ways of loving that there were lovers in the world. So, you don't have to feel bad about what you feel for Makoto - or, not feel, in your case. It's not because it's different from what you have with this Rin that it wasn't love. What you have had, it was not a lie; it was just a different kind of love."

And, as if Nagisa's words were wrapped with a balm of solace, the ache in Haru's heart slowly disappears; he lets his raw emotions spreading through his eyes.

He calls Rin when Nagisa's gone.

"I want to see you."

Rin kisses him outside of the pool. His lips are warmer than fire he cooks with but it runs on him without burning. Just like his skin, his hands, when they travel down his spine; or his fingers on his hair, playing with the locks he finds there when they're hidden under the sheets of Rin's bed. There isn't a single portion of their skins that aren't touching.

Rin's mouth is hot, incredibly hot on him. Haru kisses it with the same passion, their legs entwined and then, Rin breaks the kiss abruptly.

"Did you tell him?"

Under the sheets suddenly the air becomes colder. It freezes the lust running under Haru's skin once more and lets the dread, the anticipation and the fear takes its place.

"No, not yet." Haru breathes. And then he waits.

"...Okay." Rin just says. He kisses him again, almost mechanically.

His lips were as cold as ice.

o0o0o

It's not part of Haru's want to put off until tomorrow what he can do the present day; usually at least it's not. But this week every excuse is good to postpone his difficult task to any other possible day.

He wakes up in sweat, most of the night. The only thing he can remember of his dreams is the coldness of Rin's lips on his, and it's only when he opens his eyes that he sees he's kissing his corpse.

When he rolls on his side Makoto is sleeping on his back, something he rarely does.

They have spent so much time together. He can remember the whole, infinity of little details that make Makoto the person he is now; all of his flaws, his outstanding qualities, his old habits, the silly things he does every mornings or when he gets nervous. Makoto had slept a whole month on his back when his mother had been really sick last year. She made it alright, hopefully. But this is also the reason why Haru, every time his eyes meet green, can't find the strength to break his heart.

Nagisa was right. Even if it's not the same, Haru still loves him somehow. They share a bond that old friends share, a bond built in time and through the hardship of life. Makoto is someone he deeply cares for and he doesn't want to cause him harm. It's maybe the very last thing he would have wished for, except that now it's too late and he can't go back.

Haru remembers the first time they have shared a bed. They were both drunk, but he could have refused, he could have said no. To him it had seemed like a natural thing, and strangely unnecessary at the same time. But Makoto had seemed so happy the following morning; and as Haru didn't seek anything else than the happiness of the person he loved the most, things had stayed that way. He had let it spill out of his hands like everything in his life, just because it felt comfortable; even if in the depth of his mind he knew it wasn't right.

Haru didn't care if it wasn't perfect, at least not until he had the feeling that, in the end, Makoto would get hurt. That moment arrived sooner than expected, and way before he and Rin had met. He should have done it sooner. They should have broken up way sooner.

And now because of his lack of action, of his chronic cowardice, the two people he cares for more than anything else in the world are suffering.

Haru hates pain. He runs away from it, every time he can. And so that's why, a week later when he meets Rin again, he still hasn't found the courage to break the news to Makoto.

"You're so tired." Haru says, fondly, to Rin lying on the bed, his limbs spread like a star.

"I'm so-" He yawns, "Tired!"

"How was the party?"

"Fabulous. Gou loved the car." Rin mumbles.

"Well of course she does. You chose it."

"More like she made me choose it." Rin scowls, and then smiles as he watches Haru smiling back at him. "What's with you?"

Haru shrugs, his smile still on his face. "Nothing."

"Nothing my ass." Rin's eyes get playful again; his smile turns into a grin. "I know that look."

"What about my look again?" Haru rolls his eyes, trying to fake annoyance; Rin brings him closer to his chest. "Are you sure you're not seeing things in my eyes? 'Cause I definitely don't want to eat you up this time - not again, at least."

"Ah but I'm not talking about that look, Nanase." He laughs a bit, after seeing Haru's adorable pout he fakes again; and Rin finally lies down completely on the bed, his head getting deeper into the soft pillow.

"I'm talking about the 'I'm so fond of you Rin Matsuoka' look you wear."

His statement makes Haru frowns, and stills in Rin's arms.

"You know, I don't really care that you never say you love me when I literally can't stop saying it each time I think of you. You don't have to, because I know. I know you love me because of the way you look at me right now."

Haru listens to the regular, slowing down breathing coming out of Rin and only when he is sure that he's fast asleep Haru lifts his head, leaves Rin's warm chest and takes the time to look at him. There are rings under his eyes. His face is paler, even greyish at some place where the bones are near the surface of his skin. Haru runs his palm against Rin's body, and feels the relief of his structure more preeminent than ever.

"You've lost some weight too, haven't you?"

Rin continues to be sound asleep, his chest moving up and down. Haru leans on him again and waits, to see if he has awakened him but nothing happens.

His face is just inches away from him now. Their noses are almost touching. From there he can see all the flaws on Rin's skin, all the details that make him who he is and which make him love the man so much more.

"Have you got any idea of how crazy you drive me?"

Rin's cheeks get wet. Haru sweeps the tears away.

"I love you so much, so fucking much." Haru says.

Their forehead join, and then, Haru cups Rin's face as if it was worth all the water in the world. His arms curl behind his neck; Haru hugs him like his life depends on it.

(It took him some time to realize that the tears aren't falling from Rin's eyes.)

o0o0o

Tue the 14th, 9:56 AM. From Rin Matsuoka

Where did you go yesterday? You weren't there when I woke up...I miss you. Hope you're alright.

Tue the 14th, 10:06 AM. To Rin Matsuoka

You were too beautiful to be awakened. I'm fine. Miss you too.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Tue the 14th, 12:56 PM. Missed call from Nagisa.

Wed the 15th, 7:25 PM. From Makoto

I'll be late tonight. Sorry I know it's been kind of regular recently. Lots of work, but it'll get better once I'll take my days off.

Wed the 15th, 7:26 PM. To Makoto

I'll make sashimi. I'll save some for you in the fridge. Be safe.

Fri the 17th, 9:32 AM. From Rin Matsuoka

Monday seems always slower to come. Can we go to the mall in the morning? I need some new shoes. ilu.

Fri the 17th, 9:45 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Sure.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Fri the 17th, 10:06 AM. From Rin Matsuoka

Btw, did you tell him?

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Fri the 17th. 8:45 PM. Missed call from Nagisa.

Sat the 18th, 2:02 AM. Outgoing call to Nagisa. Last 35 minutes.

Sat the 18th, 8:32 AM. From Makoto.
I forgot to buy the bread! I am so sorry could you find some time during the day? I'll come to the end of my duty to take it. I am so SO sorry it's the third time this week that I forget my turn I am so sorry :'(

Sat the 18th, 3:35 PM. To Makoto.

I have it. You can come any time. Don't be sorry it's okay.

Sat the 18th, 3:36 PM. From Makoto.

You're an angel. I love you.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Sun the 19th, 6:44 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

Good morning sunshine 3. Hope you'll have a wonderful day. I miss you incredibly. Can't wait for tomorrow. What time?

Sun the 19th, 6:47 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Good morning. You woke me up. :[. The soonest possible? When does the mall open its door?

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Sun the 19th, 7:05 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

I know it was on purpose. I wanted your first thoughts to go to me. Even if it meant you swearing 'cause of me. Did it work? ;p (10 AM I think)

Sun the 19th, 7:16 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Perfectly.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Sun the 19th, 7:23 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

XD I know you can't see me but I'm doing the victory dance in the bathroom. Naked. That way maybe your thoughts about me will be filled with less anger and get more...dirty :3

Sun the 19th, 7:36 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

You're always the first thing I think about when I wake up Rin.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Sun the 19th, 8:00 AM. No new message.

Sun the 19th, 10:45 AM. Missed call from Nagisa.

This correspondent left a 23sec message. To listen to the record, call the #888 (free service.)

Sun the 19th, 12:13 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

God Haru sometimes I could cry just by thinking about how much I love you

Do you really want to delete this message?

Cancel!

Sun the 19th, 7:32 PM. From Makoto.

My sister called. The date for the trip is fixed. It'll be in ten weeks. Could you take some vacation at that time? Please try, it's important, for her, and for me.

Sun the 19th, 10:56 PM. To Makoto.

I'll see what I can do about it. Business isn't working that well lately, I'm not sure if we can afford to close the restaurant for so long.

Sun the 19th, 11:11 PM. From Makoto.

I'm sure it could have been avoided if you hadn't decided to stubbornly open on Sunday. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

Sun the 19th, 11:43 PM. Outgoing call to #888

Mon the 20th, 12:05 AM. To Nagisa.

I'm sorry there was a rush. Tomorrow I'll be busy all day. I'll call you in the evening.

Mon the 20th, 12:07 AM. From Nagisa.

Busy? Haru you need to hurry up instead of playing around. You don't have time to be busy anymore we have a deadline coming! Rei says Hi btw. Don't worry he doesn't know

Monday the 20th, 10:01 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Where are you?

Mon the 20th, 7:15 PM. Incoming call from Rin Matsuoka. Lasted 32min.

Mon the 20th, 7:22 PM. Missed call from Nagisa.

This correspondent left a 32sec message. To listen to the record, call the #888 (free service)

Mon the 20th, 8:01 PM. To Nagisa

Sorry again. Rough day. We met his friend he wants to invite me and Makoto to their house. Rin is panicking. I don't know what to do.

Mon the 20th, 8:09 PM. From Nagisa.

I dunno, tell him?:/

Mon the 20th, 8:15 PM. To Nagisa.

Makoto's just learned that Ran has too much sugar in her blood. Now he fears that she'll die during delivery. It's not really the perfect timing.

Mon the 20th, 8:18 PM. From Nagisa.

There is nothing such as perfect timing, Haru.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Mon the 20th, 11:54 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

None of this shit would have happened if you had just, told him, you know? Did you even intend to?

Do you really want to delete this message?

Cancel!

Tue the 21th, 12:13 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

I'm sorry. It's just harder than I thought. I've known him for 20 years...just, give me more time. Please Rin I will do it trust me.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Wed the 22th, 9:34 AM. From Makoto.

They gave me my Monday! I told Sousuke it was okay. I can't wait to see Rin again you never talk about him anymore I kinda miss him ^.^

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Wed the 22th, 5:30 PM. To Makoto.

That's great. Rin is fine. Btw I have a special event on Tuesday evening at the restaurant. I won't be there until late at night. Do you mind?

Wed the 22th, 5:43 PM. From Makoto.

Of course not, if it's for work. Don't overdo it okay? :)

Thr the 23, 7:14 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

Haru this won't do I can't I really can't find something you must not come. I'm serious I won't handle it. Each time I imagine him with you I feel like vomiting it's gonna be a real disaster. Just don't come. Or tell him but, either way, DO SMTH!

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Thr the 23th, 5:02 PM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka. Last 6min.

Fri the 24th, 7:24 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin, stop pouting. I have a surprise for you. What time do you finish duty on Tuesday?

Sat the 25th, 11:34 AM. From Makoto.

They made the second echo. They said the baby is probably going to be tall and big. How is she going to give birth to something bigger than her? What if they have to cut her belly?

Sat the 25th, 3:12 PM. To Makoto.

Stop worrying. It's going to be fine, and even if it's not panicking isn't going to help her. It happens all the time. They'll make an X-ray before the delivery to make sure everything is okay. You always imagine the worst out of things, but sometimes the worst scenario you imagine in your head isn't the most likely to happen.

Sat the 25th, 3:24 PM. From Makoto.

…Are you really sure about that?

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Sun the 26th, 12:45 PM. From Nagisa.

Haru, Rei wants us to hurry and send the invitation and make the table plan asap. I don't want to explain to him why we can't have you and Makoto next to each other. You have to tell him or I won't be able to cover you up long. I understand you must feel terrible but it's just like a band of wax, the quicker you take it off the less pain it is for you. I'll be supporting you Haru, no matter what, but this isn't a situation you can live in any longer.

Sun the 26th, 6:45 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

Say that you're sick or feeling unwell. That your mother suddenly remembers you exist and wants to see you. I don't care I can even shot you in the leg but DON'T COME WITH HIM. Afterwards I'd rather shoot Makoto in the leg. Or myself. At least I know how it feels, and it'll still be better than seeing you two together.

Sun the 26th, 6:56 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

I tried but Makoto keeps sending me those suspicious look I don't want him to learn about it like that. I'll do it fine. I have an idea. Just trust me okay we just have to pretend one day and then we'll have the rest of our lives for us. I know I'm asking you a lot. Please. I really do love you. Please Rin.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Sun the 26th, 7:45 PM. From Makoto.

Sousuke told me they've baked some pancakes o/ It's been so long. He told me Rin loves them. I'm sure they won't be anything near as good as yours though. We should invite them next time so they can see who makes the best pancakes in the world! (I mean you ofc) (you're the best) (I mean it was probably already obvious but) (I'm embarrassing myself again sorry /o\)

Sun the 26th, 9:12 PM. From Mother.

Put 100g of flour with a pinch of salt in a large mixing bowl, make a well at the center, crack 2 eggs. Then add 50mL of milk and 1 tdsp of oil. You whisk like I showed you when you were little and add milk until you get a silky batter. Put the secret ingredient only then. Remember only 1 drop or the taste will be too strong. I usually add some brandy in the batter as well but you don't have to.

Mon the 27th, 9:08 AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

At this rate I'll be the one sick before you arrive. I feel like throwing up since last night I didn't even sleep. When are you supposed to be here?

Mon the 27th, 9:10 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

For Brunch.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Mon the 27th, 9:11AM. From Rin Matsuoka.

Ur an idiot.

Mon the 27th, 9:13 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

I know. I'm your idiot. 11 I think. Just breathe. I am anxious too.

Do you really want to delete this message?

Message deleted.

Mon the 27th, 10:35 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

We're leaving the apartment now. Don't forget I'm inviting you for dinner tomorrow night okay? Look forward to it. I love you. It's going to be okay.

Mon the 27th, 1:53 PM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka.

'Hi! You're on Rin Matsuoka's phone. I'm not available for the moment but you can leave me a message after the Bip.' BIP.

End of call.

Mon the 27th, 1:55 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin please pick up your phone.

Mon the 27th, 2:33 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

This isn't funny Rin. You weren't really serious in the kitchen right? Please I'm worried.

Mon the 27th, 3:09 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin where are you are you even alright?

Mon the 27th, 3:32 PM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka.

'Hi! You're Rin Matsuoka's phone. I'm not available for the moment but you can leave me a message after the Bip.' BIP.

End of call.

Mon the 27th, 4:11 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

I don't want to talk to you. What I said was deadly serious. I don't want to see you again.

Do you want to erase this message?

Message deleted.

Mon the 27th, 4:15 PM. Outgoing call to Nagisa. Last 1h07min.

Mon the 27th, 5:23 PM. From Makoto.

Haru I know you're feeling sick and that you love water but you've been in the bath for ages and I terribly need to pee. So if you could get out it'll probably save my bladder and your immune system. Or just unlock the door.

Mon the 27th, 5:25 PM. To Makoto.

You sound like Rei. I'm getting out. I'll go for a walk I need fresh air.

Mon the 27th, 5:54 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

I know you're angry. Answer my call, we need to talk.

Mon the 27th, 6:27 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

You were supposed to tell him. You were supposed not to come and you failed me. What tells me that you're going to leave him for me? Nothing. I could have trusted you but you didn't give me that chance. You say you love me? What proof do I have? You're still living with him, sleeping with him, preparing his breakfast and doing his laundry. You're with him 6 days over 7 and you dare say you love me more? If it was really the case it wouldn't be like that.

Mon the 27th, 6:29 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

I've seen tragedies due to my work. Sometimes I've seen women in tears with the blood of their lovers on their hands. Sometimes I have seen the bruises and swollen lips after they have confessed they were seeing someone else. There is no happy ending for stories like ours. So at least, let me leave you before the damages are beyond repair, before I feel like I wouldn't know how to breathe without you holding my hand. If you really love me then, you'll let me go.

Mon the 27th, 6:37 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

We aren't beyond repair I can fix it. I can fix you. I'll tell him tomorrow I promise you just have faith in me, since I can't ask for your trust, have faith in my love for you. I already don't know how to breathe without you anymore.

Mon the 27th, 6:54 PM. From Rin Matsuoka.

Before we part, there is something I have to tell you. There hasn't been a single living being I have loved more than you, in my entire life, and there never will be. Goodbye Haru.

Mon the 27th, 7:05 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin you can't say goodbye to me it'll kill me.

Mon the 27th, 7:10 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Give me time. I will do it. I love you. Please tell me you'll meet me tomorrow.

Mon the 27th, 7:28 PM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin, answer me please. I need you to answer me. I need you.

Tue the 28th, 2:08 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin, I need more time. I have been with Makoto all my life; and you're asking me to leave him for you, who I only knew for less than a year. You're asking me to leave my home, my comfort zone for something unknown to me; and at first it scares me, it really scares me to death but now I feel ready. I feel ready because the more I think about it the more I think that you're the one. But I have spent seven years in Makoto's arms, and I can't leave him so quickly; I can't do that to him when he loves me so much and had done nothing wrong. He deserves someone better that's for sure but I need to make things right. So please, please Rin I beg you, wait for me, please wait. You're the love of my life. I'll die if I lose you.

Tue the 28th, 4:34 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. Please answer me Rin.

Sorry, the message you've sent won't reach its destination. Do you want to try again?

Tue the 28th, 4:36 AM. To Rin Matsuoka.

Rin ? RIN!

Sorry, the message you've sent won't reach its destination. Do you want to try again?

Tue the 28th, 6:00 AM. Outgoing call to Rin Matsuoka.

Sorry, the number you've composed is not available.

Haru gets off his bed, his mind clouded by the horror of realization and his eyes, barely opened, try to distinguish his surrounding before they get immerged with salty drops of water. He takes the yellow block of post it they keep in the cupboard at the entrance.

'Don't wait for me' he writes, roughly. A drop falls on the paper. Haru doesn't care enough anymore to hide it. Anyway it was what he wanted to do, from the very beginning.

He leaves the post it on the fridge and goes to the restaurant, surrounded by the pale light of morning.

The air which enters his lungs is painfully cold that morning; and it makes him ache even more to realize he still can breathe on his own.

o0o0o

'Sorry, the number you've composed is not available.'

It's almost midnight, perhaps. The moon is reflecting on the large window in the entrance. Rin didn't come. There are two, cold and full plates put on the round table, facing each other. The candle had died during the time Haru had waited in vain, sat in the corner or the empty room, his hand curling around his knees. Haru was rocking back and forth before he remembered what his mother used to say, that it was something only mad men do. He stopped.

But could he be considered as a sane man? Definitely not.

Not when Rin had left him.

Not when he was left with only half of his whole.

He is going mad.

Every second that passes adds a little more pain in Haru's heart. His body aches, as if a million of small needles were planted on his skin and getting deeper slowly with time. Haru could be bleeding, but there're only tears that run on his skin. He doesn't know when he had started crying. Maybe it's when he had reread Rin's text, his eyes full of hopes and trying by any means to ignore the truth and bitterness in Rin's words.

'I don't want to see you again.' 'I don't want to talk to you.'

'There hasn't been a single living being I have loved more than you, in my entire life, and there never will be.'

'Goodbye Haru.'

It sounded more like a Farewell to him.

The tears start running down his face again. Haru cries uncontrollably as he tries to yell his pain away. He shouts, alone in the immense room where he and Rin should have been rejoicing the start of their new life, not minding that curious ears might hear his despair, not minding what could possibly happen to him anymore because, it's enough. Life was enough.

He couldn't go on like this anymore. The needles were too painful. They prevent him from moving a single muscle, or to even start the birth of a thought. The pain of Rin's loss and rejection has turned him into a puppet, a body, a mere shape without any will or want.

Haru cries out to the point of exhaustion and it's only when the lights go out that he realizes it's past 1 AM, the time when the electricity is programmed to turn off every night of the week. The room is plunged into darkness, only enlightened by the moon, too far away to provide him a decent view from the place he stands. Soon Haru also feels the air getting colder; the grey smoke coming out of his mouth when he blows is maybe the only thing he is given to see clearly.

He could stay there all night. He could die of coldness if he chooses not to move. It's not like he has the choice really, after all. Crying took all his remaining strength away; the rest had disappeared the moment Rin had chosen to erase him from his life altogether.

There are footsteps coming from outside. Haru hears them and then, his heart starts beating again.

"Rin?" He whimpers, his voice strangled by his hard sobs.

But of course, it's not him. Rin never wanted to come.

"Haru!"

It's only Makoto who runs towards him, a frontal lamp on his forehead. He kneels at his level and looks at him with his green eyes only full of worry. Haru wants to laugh. If only he knew how much of a monster Haru had been to him, he certainly wouldn't have so much sympathy for him.

"Haru! I was worried sick! You told me not to wait for you but it's past midnight and you wouldn't answer your phone-"

"He didn't come."

"What?" Makoto turns his head, and with his spin the light falls on the small round table, with two plates and candlelight and a vase filled with red roses. "Oh." He says, and then pauses, his eyes slowly showing signs of understanding. "He didn't come."

"No." Haru sobs, incontrollable. He would want to spare Makoto, but not now, now with the pain entering every inch of his skin, he cannot spare him from the ugly truth. "He left me."

Haru leans his head against the nearest wall, far away from Makoto's gaze, half fearing his reaction. None of them speaks for a good time. Makoto walks in the room and only comes back minutes later with all of Haru's clothes. Haru blinks. Does he expect him to go back to home after what he'd heard? Didn't he understand what it really meant?

How can…

How can Makoto want to help him after all the horrible mess he'd caused?

"What are you doing?"

"Bringing you back home."

"No."

That's the only answer that comes out naturally. It's just; kind of unreal to him.

"Let me here." He adds, after he sees that Makoto doesn't move an inch and that he obviously can't read what's on his mind for once. "Let me die here. I'm not worth anything. I'm not worth going home with you."

"What are you talking about? Of course you're going home with me."

"You don't want me there."

"You're wrong, I do." His grip on his arm intensifies. It's almost enough to lift Haru from the ground.

"Ha! Drop it Makoto, it's not time to play hide and seek anymore. It's all over. Leave me here."

"No I won't!"

"But I have cheated on you, I have been for months."

"I know. I still want to take care of you so now, if you'd stop being more of a jerk you already are, can you please, stand up and follow me back home, Haru?"

Makoto's voice rarely gets commanding and angry like that. It's enough to startle Haru and in his moment of doubt, Makoto takes the opportunity to take him in his arms and to hold him bridal style. Haru wants to scream. He wants him to put him down. He wants him to let him die here. He can't live without Rin. It doesn't matter to him, that Makoto can't live without him as well.

"Don't touch me!"

"Haru just shut up will you?!" Makoto says, his voice loud.

"Why?!" Haru tries to struggle out of Makoto's grip, and poorly fails, of course. "Why are you doing this? Why are you taking care of me after all this? WHY DON'T YOU HATE ME?"

"I DO HATE YOU."

They've reached the entrance door, but Makoto has stayed inside. "I hate you so much! You have no idea of how hurt I have felt, all this time! I hate you, but I still deeply care for you. Is that too complicated for you to understand? Do you really still think love is just a straight road you have to follow? That you absolutely have to only love one person in a life time, or that you can do nothing but love the person you're with?"

Haru has stilled in Makoto's arms. He doesn't dare to move, not even to cry.

"I hated you but I also realize now how hurt you are. I can't look at you, destroying yourself, because of the love and guilt you feel. I can't do anything about the fact that he left you, but at least let me take the guilt away. I'm very, very angry at you Haru; you have cheated and it's something I will never forget and that will leave an indelible trace in me but honestly, asking me to let you die alone here is the worst thing you've done to me. So now, come back to your sense and go home with me. We'll sort the rest out later. Just for tonight, I want you to be safe."

The cold air hits his face as they walked towards Makoto's car. His arms protect him from shivering, and Makoto holds him tighter, like a mother would take care of her child. Haru cries on Makoto's shoulder. 'Sorry' he mutters, 'I am so sorry.' Makoto already knows, so he doesn't say anything, and it doesn't ease the pain in his own heart.

But if Haru is safe, then the rest doesn't matter. Anger could wait.

o0o0o

"I called the restaurant. The doctor gave you some rest. He told me you can take all the time you need." Makoto says, one day, Haru can't remember when. It's not Monday at least, because Haru always spends his Mondays with Rin after all.

"He also told us that you need to drink and eat a little."

There comes Nagisa's voice. What is he doing here?

"You also need to walk and leave the bed, at least twice a day. Otherwise your tendons will retract and your muscle will melt and you won't be able to stand anymore."

So even Rei has come here, to laugh at him, to point at him and judge him now that Haru only got the treatment he deserved.

Haru wants to tell them to go away. He wants to stay alone. He is tired, he doesn't want to move or to eat. He just wants to sleep until the next Monday. Haru wants to speak but his voice is too weak to be heard by the others. He can't even look at them; the brightness of the day burns his eyes too much for him to open them fully.

He heard them leave. Makoto brings him soup; he thanks him and takes some. He falls asleep quite quickly after that.

He wakes up in sweat when he remembers that Rin will never come back. And then, he cries, again.

Makoto isn't there sleeping with him anymore; but he runs from the guests' room to their, and hugs him, until the tears stop.

What time is it? What day is it?

To Haru it seems like an eternity since Rin has broken up with him.

"You need to rest." Makoto murmurs as he lays Haru down on the sheets. "It's been a couple of days. The doctor said you need a lot of rest. You had a huge breakdown."

"Okay."

"Do you remember now?"

"I do."

"Good. It's good that you stay with us. It'll help you to heal."

"...What if I...don't want to?"

The blinds partially hide the light coming from outside. It's the end of summer. The leaves are turning orange and yellow in their alley. It's always a beautiful scenery to watch – Haru likes to paint them, usually. It's his favorite time of the year.

"Haru…" Makoto sits just next to his lap, looks at his eyes, red and swollen by hours of crying. "Haru, you will get better, okay? Promise me that you will try to get better. Think about us Haru. Think about your friends, your parents, think about me. Do you really want to me end up in the same state as you're now?"

(The leaves now fall on the ground. Cars drive on them, and crunch them behind their wheels. Haru had opened the blinds, and now looks every morning to the street outside. He spends hours looking at people walking. One day, it occurs to him that he might spot Rin and he stops, altogether.)

Three weeks after the breakdown, Haru finally finds the energy he'd been lacking severely. It hadn't been cause by anything particular, actually. He had just woken up with the will to paint the leaves before they all fall on the ground.

It was tiring, almost painful, but within a minute or two Haru finally put one leg into his jeans. He smiles. He would never have thought this simple task to be so hard months ago, but now the fact that he can make it alone is enough to make him smile and to feel proud. The second leg comes even more fluidly. He takes his time, breathes deeply and puts his hands on his thigh. He counts, to three, and then with a single burst Haru stands up, and lifts the hem of his jeans to his waist.

He is kind of quavering at first but soon he finds his balance, with a little bit of help – from the wall, mostly.

The important thing is that he is making this alone. It doesn't matter that he wants to lie down again, or that he feels extremely tired already, or that he will certainly need to look for a belt later. Haruka Nanase has melancholy and he can get dressed on his own.

He is healing. Slowly but surely.

It's difficult to walk again. It's not physically difficult really. Haru's legs are still strong enough to support his weight but he has to think of walking, and this is what is the most painful. Haru blankly stares at his legs as if they were going to move alone without him ordering anything. He laughs, mostly at himself; it can't be a bad thing to have some sense of humor back, even if it's a terrible one.

'Bend your right knee, lift your right leg, and lift your right foot towards the door. Put it down. Now do the same with the left leg. Bend your left knee, lift your left thigh. Watch where your foot will land, always a step ahead of where you stand. The door is closed, but it's okay. It's okay Haru it's not locked. You just need to open it. See the handle? It will open if you turn it on the right. Now, lift your right arm, curl your finger around the door handle, and turn it on the right. See? The door is open. It wasn't that difficult. You can do it now. You are healing.'

It took him almost fifteen minutes to get to the living room. He can vaguely hear Makoto's, Nagisa's and Rei's voice. They never leave him.

"I know but it's so early," he hears Makoto saying, quite alarmed, "I can't take him with me and I can't leave him alone. I have no other option but to ask you to-"

"Haru?"

Rei is the very first one to see him coming. The other two turn around. Haru's feet are dragging on the floor and he still needs his hand on the wall to keep his balance but surely, Haru makes small, slow steps towards them. He sees Nagisa jumping out of his chair to help him walk faster but Rei stops him in time. The three of them watch him, religiously, as he takes the last chair that remains unoccupied around the table the used to eat on. The TV is turned off.

"…Thank you." Haru murmurs to Rei. He needed to do that alone.

"Do-do do you want some-"

"Tea." He speaks quietly. Haru can't raise his voice yet. He doesn't want to anyway. It's too tiring.

Nagisa goes behind the counter where they keep the kettle and the tea leaves. Haru holds his lazy eyes towards him, his head turning slowly. Nagisa keeps on showing him some different leaves and Haru merely nods when it's his favorite one he's holding. Nagisa smiles. He looks over excited – it's already wearing him out; he hopes they won't ask him too much questions.

Hopefully they don't.

Haru's friends keep talking about what was preoccupying them before Haru interrupts. Makoto has to leave for Ran's place in six weeks now.

"…I'll be…okay." Haru says, when all eyes are turn on him. "I can…manage. I'll…be better."

"You've make huge progress Haru-chan!" He frowns, even if it's not very flagrant, it's enough to make Nagisa almost cry of joy.

"You kind of took us by utter surprise today," Makoto tells him after he took a slip of his tea. "What happened?"

"Did you have a nocturne revelation?" Nagisa asks.

Haru just shrugs. "...I wanted...to see the leaves."

"You want to go outside?!"

Makoto spills out his tea on the table. They all laugh. They look exhausted but they still have the strength to laugh. Haru envies them so much. He wants to laugh with them too.

They insist on dressing him with warmer clothes – and with an ugly woolen cap with two big pumps on each side, which in hindsight belongs to Nagisa – and soon after, the four friends are walking down the streets, looking at the autumn leaves falling on the sidewalk. Makoto takes Haru by the arm; they walked slowly behind Nagisa and Rei, who are crunching every mot of fallen leaves they find. The weather is lovely. Haru could have stayed a long time here.

But at some point he picks out from the ground the only leaf that wears a beautiful, bright, dark red color; and then Makoto seems to panic and they hurry him home.

It's only hours later than Haru realizes it has the same color as Rin's hair.

It's good sometimes to be slowed down.

He keeps it under his bed.

The next week Haru is almost back to normal. He rarely speaks, but he can handle the vital task alone.

It's not surprising that the first thing he asks for is cooking. Soon, the small dishes he does for him and Makoto aren't enough.

"I want to go back to work tomorrow." He says one evening.

Makoto's fork falls from his grip.

"Sure." He says.

It was on a Sunday night.

He looks at Makoto packing. His phone vibrates in his pocket. It's certainly Nagisa. He's been working at the restaurant for almost three weeks now – just after its reopening, actually.

Haru watches Makoto's back and he feels ready, for the first time in ages. He has healed, but not completely.

"Makoto," his voice is firm, and has found all his deepness back. "Can I have a word with you?"

"How is Ran doing?"

"Fine! She is very happy to see me. Actually my mother has to slow her down. She doing too much – working, the cleaning plus the groceries, the cooking – and in her condition it could be bad."

Makoto looks honestly happy. "I can't believe you're going to be an uncle." Haru says with a rare smile.

"Yeah, me neither!" He says; he sits on the couch when Haru just stares blankly through the window, a habit he had kept from his depression. "I just...I've known it for months and now that it's coming – it's just – I can't believe it. It's so fantastic I have no words."

"It's wonderful."

It's not late in the evening but still, days are growing shorter. The sky is already dark but there is a lot of traffic remaining. Haru watches and follows the lights of a red car which drive just under their apartment.

"How much time will you be staying here for?" He asks Makoto.

"Until the delivery, a month or more. Since the baby is big they might try to make her deliver earlier than terms."

"Okay."

Silence. There it comes.

"I won't be here when you come back."

"Eh?!"

His gaze is still stuck on the thick glass when Makoto bursts out of surprise. It's no wonder why he hasn't seen it coming. They haven't spent a lot of time together lately. Makoto is just there in case Haru needs him, that's all; he hasn't even looked at him in the eyes since he'd found him alone in the restaurant. He has been taking care of him while he was sick but he's not anymore. Haru can manage alone.

Makoto has done enough; it's time for him to be free and to seek for his own, well deserved happiness.

"I said that I won't be living here anymore." He looks around, to Makoto; he doesn't say anything so Haru goes on. "I'll find a place to stay, on my own. I need to leave before I get any more trouble."

"But, you're sure you're-"

"I'm okay now. It's all thanks to you all. I never thanked you, for everything you did. We never really...talk, about it, either."

"You were sick, it's okay Haru, we don't-"

"No it's not!" Haru turns around, and catches Makoto's hands, maybe for the last time. "Listen, I need to sort it out. I need to tell you because I could never look at me in the eyes ever again if I don't tell you! And you deserve it - you deserve the truth, you deserve everything good in the world and it's the least I have to do, for thanking you, and ask your pardon."

Makoto looks on edge again, just like that night in the restaurant where he had literally saved him from himself. His large shoulders tense, and then, with a long and deep sigh, they go down.

"Alright. I guess...I guess it's finally time to talk."

"You know," He says after a while, "I think I have always known, deep down; even from the start, even before you realized."

Makoto is looking at the traffic outside, avoiding Haru's calm blue eyes. "I remember the day when I first saw it; it was the same day Sousuke mentioned the dinner actually. It was something in your eyes. They were shining, as if you were staring at water but there was something else as well. It took me time to figure out what it really was. It was Rin. He had enlightened something inside you that I never have been able to find."

There's a honk coming from the street, followed by others. None of them take notice.

"I didn't want to. I didn't want him to invade my thoughts. I don't know how he did, I don't know how it happened but I let him in," Haru goes on; the words flows out on his mouth so fluently that he wonders why he hadn't been able to say them sooner. "It's like all of my barriers were falling down every time I was with him. You know me, when I realized it was something bad, it was already too late."

Makoto smiled bitterly. "I figured."

"...I'm so sorry. I should have - I should have fought harder, I should have tried better-"

"I think you did, actually; more than you think. I saw you struggling."

Haru raises his head and looks at him, his expression bewildered.

"That was maybe the worst part of it. I was just watching you being dragged away from me and at first I saw you fighting against it; but since the very beginning I had the bad feeling that it's was something inevitable. I couldn't do a thing, I was paralyzed, I was so scared of what was happening; I knew and yet I didn't want to. There was something greater, stronger than the both of us in action, I just could feel it; because the light in your eyes was so strong and made you look so different and yet, more beautiful. And then, you stopped fighting." Makoto makes a pause; he breathes deeply. "I never thought I could hate Love so much. What could I possibly do if you were indeed falling deeply in love with someone else?"

Haru looks into his laps. His hands are crossed but he doesn't like them to be that way. He tries to move them somewhere else but he honestly doesn't know what to do with them. "There was nothing you could have done, and so do I; I even think it was the same for him."

They're both sitting on the couch now. There is enough space between them for another man to fill the place.

"But Love, no matter how deep and crazy of a thing it is, cannot explain everything; it does not excuse my despicable action - or rather, lack of action."

"No; it doesn't."

Makoto's words are maybe harsh, but they are also indeed true. His hands are linked on his lap, Haru can see their tendons being contracted, an undeniable sign of Makoto's uneasiness. The guilt catches him up again at last.

"I know that words could never explain what I did. But, for what it's worth, I didn't want to hurt you. It was silly because the harm was already done; but as long as you weren't aware of it in my mind, you could have stayed happy. I thought it was okay. I...I couldn't make the difference between good and evil anymore. Everything surrounded us completely disappeared every time we were together...it really fucked me up."

"It fucked you up so badly that it almost destroyed you, Haru."

He gives him a bemused look, but again Makoto isn't meeting his gaze. "You have no idea of how broken you were, during these past two months. I had to feed you myself, like a baby. You wouldn't talk, or move for days. You kept saying you wanted to die or to be left alone and miserable. I thought...I thought you were never going to make it."

Haru drops his eyes, watching the imperfection on their parquet where his feet are resting. He remembers it too, his despair, his lack of will to keep on living. Haru has never stopped being selfish during all this time; whereas on the contrary, Makoto has been nothing but all merciful.

"It's only thanks to you." Haru breathes. "Nagisa, Rei, and you, on top of everything. You have shown me a rare devotion, daily small acts of kindness I never deserved considering what I have done to you. You saved my life, Makoto. You really did. I could never thank you enough for that."

"Well, I just couldn't leave you like that." Makoto says, his voice sounding weird and too high for his usual tone, all of a sudden. "You really looked like a wreck when I found you. Even if I hated you for what you did, even if I was angry, even if I didn't forgive you yet...You're my best friend Haru. I have known you all my life, and it still scares me that we won't be by each other's side from now onwards. I had to take care of you, because I felt like it was a duty of mine. And because I care for you way too much to let you harm yourself like that."

Haru's eyes get blurred by tears of gratefulness. "Thank you," He murmurs, because he feels like speaking too loud with open up the sluice. "Thank you for everything. I'll be good now. I'll be good and I won't, ever, do you harm."

"I know," Makoto smiles sadly, "I'm glad you're feeling better. It was getting difficult to stay here with you now that Nagisa and Rei are gone."

Haru can't even begin to understand how painful the whole situation must have been for him.

(If only Makoto could find someone who will love him just like he loves Rin.)

"Will you...do you think that one day, you'll be able to forgive me?"

Makoto takes too much time to answer this simple request, but in hindsight, it was a foolish utopia to think he could deserve Makoto's mercy once more.

"I hope so." Finally comes his answer. "I really wish I could but, right now I have no idea of what I am going to do. I actually thought about leaving the place as well." Haru looks at him, suspiciously, and waits for him to continue. "It's not like I can stay here now, not after what had happened. Every time I look at something I remember a little detail about you; it's not something I can live with on long terms."

Haru nods silently; he knows too well how much memories can hurt.

"So I have started looking for a house as well. Ran helped me of course. I'll look at some place while I'll be visiting her as well."

"What - you mean - you're moving back to our hometown?"

"Yes." He simply says, and then none of them speak for certain a while.

It's...it's a great news, really.

It has always been Makoto's wish to go back in Iwami after all. With his sick mother and now, his nephew coming...there was no doubt that Makoto would want to witness his growth, like he did for his siblings.

For once it's a decision Makoto took on his own to serve his own interest only.

Haru feels relieved.

"I am really happy for you."

"Thank you."

Haru rolls his eyes. "Don't thank me, please. I feel like the worst person in the world already, I really don't need you to remind me that you're the greatest person I've ever met."

"I'll do it only if you stop reminding me that, despite being that greatest person you ever met, it was not enough to keep you."

They eat in silence; well, the TV was on but it's not as if they were listening to it - Haru never does, and Makoto just pretends to laugh here and then, it's kind of a pathetic sight. They have dug into their wounds; everything feels on edge, ever words they say are meticulously chosen and yet, the remaining tension between them his suffocating. But now, finally, things will be able to get better.

From now on, they will heal.

Two days later, on a Sunday night, Haru watches Makoto's things being put in another trunk near the entrance door. Haru has started packing as well, since he won't stay here long after Makoto's gone. The place is too big for him anyway. He's already found a small place an acquaintance from his father agreed to lend him for a very small rent. It is a real good deal actually.

"It's going to be so strange," He speaks, mostly to himself. Makoto is washing the dishes in the kitchen. He can hear the clashing of the porcelain plates against each other, and then the noise stops and Makoto walks towards him. He looks where Haru's gaze is set on; he smiles tiredly.

"Yeah. I'm going to miss your food, honestly." Haru laughs a bit. "It's a new start. For both of us."

Makoto will be gone in two days. Of course, he'll come back to help Haru with their remaining stuff - the furniture, mostly; Haru insisted that he should take them all to his new place - but then it'll be the end.

Seven years and more of a life they have shared, completely, together.

Even if Haru knows it's the right decision for both of them, he can't help but feel a pinch of nostalgia on the tip of his stomach. Endings have never been his cup of tea. He feels like reading the last pages of a book he had adored and read unconditionally, but that had gone slightly wrong near the end. It needed an end, just like their broken love story.

"Haru there...there's something I've been willing to ask, but I don't really know if it's okay, to ask I mean."

"What is it?" Haru says, curious about Makoto's sudden request.

"What are you going to do now that we're...not together? I mean, are you going to chase after Rin?"

The question leaves him speechless. First because, it's the very last thing he had expected Makoto to ask him - did he think about it a lot, since the very beginning maybe? - and second because it causes a blow, a devastating feeling of loneliness inside his chest. Living a life without Rin by his side feels more like surviving than anything; and there wouldn't be something more astonishing than to find him again and go back to what they were, and even to something greater.

But Haru doesn't think Rin would want him anymore. He had been more than clear.

'I don't want to talk to you.'

'I don't want to see you again.'

'Goodbye Haru.'

Goodbye, he had written.

"I don't think so." Haru says, in a small, dull voice - something he hasn't seen coming.

"Really?"

"Why you're asking anyway?"

"Well I mean, if it's the love of your life maybe you should try harder, don't you think?"

Haru's head, which was previously lazily leaning against a wall, suddenly straightens, stung by Makoto's remark. "How did-Where-I-"

"It was on your phone. Sorry I couldn't help but check your messages...I mean, it was when you were still...I had to know what had happened for you to be in such a state. I probably shouldn't have...it's the feeling I've had when I read those messages anyway."

"I'm sorry..." Haru murmurs, feeling the pain showing on Makoto's face burning on his cheek with shame.

"Don't be. It helped me actually. It made me realize how in love you were, how strong and uncontrollable your feelings were for him. It's nothing like the thing we've shared. And I never have felt that way with you as well, if it can make you feel better."

It doesn't really make a difference though. The question haunts him already. Should he really chase after Rin? Is he even ready for that? Somehow Haru doubts he could deal with another rejection from his part. Not yet, at least.

"I'll figure it out."

They go to sleep in their respective rooms short after that. Makoto insists on occupying the guests' room - he said it's too hard to sleep in their bed without him - so Haru is staying in their old room. The nights are getting chilly as October approaches. Haru is used to sleeping alone now but still, it doesn't make it easier when the cold strikes.

o0o0o

"Eeeeeeeeh~~"

Haru turns around, three different dishes resting on his arms. Nagisa looks quite depressed - he's taking care of the terrace while Haru serves the people eating inside.

"What's happening?" It always occurs, customers being harsh or not very nice, especially since Nagisa is new to the job. Haru thought giving him this opportunity would only help him after the regrettable accident that has almost ruined his life - him and Rei had to postpone the wedding because of it - but if it only gets Nagisa more depressed, maybe he should just say it, and Haru would find him a most suitable place to work.

"It's just...it's that officer who...you know, caught me. He is eating there with a friend. I think he didn't even recognize me."

"Oh." Haru says; it sounds like a 'and that's all?' kind of 'Oh' so Nagisa pouts, a little bit.

"It's serious Haru! The guy almost destroyed my whole life and look now I'm working here - not that I don't like working with you but, you know, I can't remember a thing people order - and Rei almost left me- I mean, forget about it."

Haru can't figure out why so suddenly Nagisa's voice has died, or why he looks elsewhere; but he jerks the thoughts away. It's the rush hour, and they are already running late. Since the restaurant had been closed for roughly a month, some of Haru's apprentice had left to find a job in other restaurant. Now, Haru has to work with people he barely knows, and considering he is still rather depressed and on treatment, the pills and the disease make his movement slower and less precise, almost random. Dishes aren't as tasteful as they used to be. People are coming less and less.

His therapist told him it was a bad idea to start working so harshly so quickly after his breakdown; but Haru had been too stubborn to listen to his advice. Maybe he should have.

He serves the customers waiting for their plate and then, he doesn't know why, he feels curious about what Nagisa had just told him.

What could this officer's face look like?

Haru casts a gaze, quickly, through the glass of the conservatory. There are indeed two men wearing uniform nicely chatting outside.

Haru sees red.

He rushes back to the kitchen.

His fist finds the fabric of his working suit just where his heart should be. It's beating so hard against his chest that he really thinks for a moment that it's going to explode, to break his ribs. He ignores everyone's eyes setting on his falling figure; Nagisa barely helps him to keep his balance. He can't even breathe. Everything is going dark around him.

What is Rin doing here?

"I need fresh water."

He ends up in the men's bathroom. The water he splashes frenetically on his face doesn't hide the fact that Rin is there and that he's going to cook something for him.

Rin is there outside and he looks good. He was smiling. He didn't look depressed in the slightest.

It's like he has never been with him at all. Rin has forgotten about him at the speed of light; and while for Haru it has been Hell to live without him, every single second of his life, to Rin it looks like Haru has never left a print on him.

He wants to vomit. His arms are clasping the sink hard and he could very well throw up but his pride tells him otherwise. He bites back his tears and looks at his reflection in the mirror.

He's going to cook for him.

And then maybe he could find a trick to make him talk to him.

It's maybe his last chance to see him, so Haru'd better not fuck this up, as he did with absolutely everything else previously in their relationship. Rin doesn't trust him anymore, and he doesn't even look like missing him either but it's not something Haru can believe without checking. After what they have shared it's just impossible for Rin to be completely neutral about him.

Haru cooks the curry monkfish and put extra chili pepper in it, as well as cilantro, because he just knows as much Rin loves it. Just the right amount of spices that will suit his palate and makes him drink so much water that he wouldn't have a choice but to use his men's bathroom - and Haru will wait him there, and then they will talk.

The room quickly starts to get empty. There are maybe still five or six people, including Rin and Sousuke, eating outside. Haru takes the opportunity to leave for his hideout; the men's bathroom is hopefully empty as well. It brings him back memories from that time at the Chinese restaurant - memories which travel under his skin and down his groin; Haru jolts at the feeling because it has been an eternity since he's felt something down there.

The colors have found their original tint again. The sun is brighter than it has ever been. Haru feels every single cells of his body again and it's just like that day at the pool when he had felt Rin the very first time; the world he sees is different, more beautiful, since he saw Rin again. It's ridiculous to think about it that way but it's so true; Makoto was right Rin literally lights something, he enlightens the world around him and makes things shine, makes them greater than they would ever be.

He had missed him so much.

Suddenly he hears footsteps - Rin's hastily footsteps, he recognizes them - and so Haru quickly hides at the corner of the room where Rin wouldn't be able to see him as he would open the door. He can hear anything but his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

He sees his back first, rushing to the right of the room where the urinals are. His cap is fastened to his belt; he's not wearing it right now, and so it gives Haru the opportunity to see his cute little ponytail, with some rebel bangs tickling on the back of his neck. Unconsciously Haru has spread his arm towards him; he wants to touch him, his hands are shaking with excitement and want. It funny how, only a few weeks ago Haru wanted to die, had no ounce of willpower left in his limbs and now, with Rin within sight his body feels on fire. He is trembling, his feet are numbs; he is afraid of falling for he has no balance, no knowledge of the world surrounding them - he can't even feel gravity, his whole body walks automatically towards Rin's silhouette, dragged by his presence only.

Rin walks towards the sink now. The water runs out of the tap, down on Rin's hands. Haru can see his face reflecting in the mirror. He looks as gorgeous as Haru remembers him. Maybe his skin is paler, maybe his cheekbones are more easily seen on his face, but Rin is still Rin; a stunning creature way too perfect to exist. He belongs to an entire other world, a world Haru can only dream of belonging to.

Rin raises his hand to take some soap. He raises his head as well. Through the reflection of the mirror they eyes meet, for the first time in two months. His hands still under the stream of water.

(He isn't quite sure, but Haru thought a moment he had heard a heavy, loud sound. Something, like an explosion, that would have occurred far, far away from where they stand, far from earth; something like the birth of a star from another galaxy, maybe from the place where Rin truly belongs.)

Haru walks, hypnotized; his legs work totally on their own. His steps are slow, regular; they match his breathing and help him to control the rush of emotion spreading through his body. Just a meter away from reaching him, Haru stops.

Somehow he cannot believe that Rin is still here, standing in front of him; he cannot believe he hasn't run away from him yet. His fingertips, shaking, brush past some of Rin's hair that ends on his neck. He feels Rin shivers under his touch.

Haru lets out a sigh, a deep, desperate sigh he has been holding since he had seen Rin sitting in the terrace. He closes the distance between them. Haru lets his head rests against Rin's. He doesn't try to leave.

Soon after Haru's arm curl around Rin's waist, past his belt, his gun, his cap; he holds him close and it's Rin's turn to deeply sigh. They stay immobile for a few seconds, just enjoying the body and heat of the other again after such a long time being apart.

Haru wants to cry. How was he supposed to live without him when their bodies fit so perfectly together, when Rin makes him see the world anew, more beautiful than it is in reality, when the warmth coming from his back is enough to light the flame in his heart, and makes him enter in a kind of trance where only Rin exists and matters? How could Rin have lived without him and yet managed to smile, he who feels the same way?

"So you're working here?"

It's the first thing that Rin says. It's so much like him, making detours to avoid showing his weaknesses. He had missed him so much.

Haru just nods against Rin's skull. He nuzzles his hair, Rin whimpers and his hands grasp the side of the sink harder. Haru keeps caressing Rin's head, sometimes dropping kisses - small, delicate kisses; Haru is afraid that the Rin in his arms is just an apparition, that it will disappear if he touches him too much - and it's only when he reaches that sensitive spot just behind his ear that Rin starts to relax at last. Now, Haru is sure he won't run away. His hands are leaving the sink and run past the arms that are holding his waist. Rin closes his eyes when Haru licks on his earlobe. It even manages to make him moan.

"Haru please - stop, stop it please Haru."

Then the dread comes and starts to eat him as the words are spoken; Rin is about to disappear and to get away from him once more and Haru cannot let that happen, he won't survive the loss once more he knows it he has no other choice but-

Rin turns around; his arms fall behind Haru's head. His eyes are shining as they travel on his face.

"God..." he murmurs, "Haru You look really awful."

Rin runs his thumb under the blue eyes, circled by deep purple rings. He kisses him there, on both of Haru's lids; and then his mouth goes down, on his cheek; and lower, on his chin.

His lips are light and yet rough against his skin. Now that Haru dares to look at him carefully he can see that Rin's lips are crackled, badly chapped. They run on his skin very softly, almost candidly; it's like Rin is still internally struggling and is yet not sure about what he should do - leave or give in.

Rin's breath is hot; it ends on Haru's opened lips.

"I have missed you so much." He says.

Haru's fingers get lost in red hair; they play with Rin's scrunchy and get it loose. Time runs by slowly as they do nothing but stare at each other, rediscovering the sight of the face they have cherished so much. Haru caresses his cheeks, his eyebrows; he wants to learn everything about the Rin who is standing flesh and bone in front of him, and who isn't refusing his love. They feel breathless in a matter of second when they aren't doing anything but light touches. Haru can see the heat rising in Rin's face, and feel the one gaining his own; his lips are aching to kiss him but at the same time, he is afraid to lean in.

Their faces finally touch. Rin has stuck their forehead together. It starts a jolt of joy, of electricity spreading through his spine and limbs until it reaches the tips of his fingers. His hairs rise on his back. Haru closes his eyes.

"I love you." He breathes. "I love you. I love you Rin I love you."

The words die on Rin's lips as they kiss, gently, even prudently. The chapped lips only skim over Haru's, he can feel him holding back, as if he wasn't sure of what was happening yet. Haru grasps on Rin's shirt. He can't feel his legs anymore, he can't see anything but Rin's face and red hair, he can't hear anything apart from the buzzing of his ears. All of his sensations are shut down, only to concentrate, to feel what Rin is doing to him.

As if it was his only reason of being.

Their first kisses are shy and genuine, but soon the heat of passion overtakes any sense of reason; Haru's grip on Rin's officer's shirt gets stronger and Rin holds Haru's waist closer to his. Their bodies collide, melt into the other, their tongues find their way out and lick on their lips, inside their mouth. When they break up from the new found flame that had formed between them, their mouth are hot, their heart beating faster than ever; their eyes are dark with lust and Haru feels the urge to drag Rin against a wall to love him better.

"I love you," He keeps saying; and it makes up for all those times he couldn't say it but yearns to, because Rin was far, too far away and had shut him down from Haru. "I love you so much."

Rin answers with the flat of his tongue and with his hands, demanding, running on the small of Haru's back to end up cupping his ass roughly. Haru's finds their place in Rin's hair. He moans as Rin squeezes him again, and crunches him harder against his body.

There is no bed, they aren't in Rin's room; but they have found back their little world, their kingdom, their secure paradise. It's just the two of them, and their love, and their touch; nothing can possibly happen to them when they are alone together.

Haru feels like in a dream.

And, like every dreams he's got, after a while comes the awakening.

Someone is knocking at the door violently. Rin stops in his kisses, and turns his head towards the noise.

"Don't mind that," Haru moans, and he finds Rin's lips again. "There is still the ladies' room."

Haru clings on his dream, desperately; because inside him, in his guts, he can feel that if he let go of Rin right now he won't be able to hold him close like that ever again. It's his very last chance and it's only then that he realizes, in horror, that Rin doesn't know anything yet. He doesn't know that he and Makoto aren't together anymore, that he had finally told him, that they aren't even living together - that Haru had been at the verge of dying, just because Rin had left him - but as soon as his lips curl to say the words that could change Rin's minds about their relationship, the other cop burst open the door. The magic spell exists no more.

The rest takes place in a foggy, confused atmosphere that leaves Haru bemused and powerless.

What is happening? What does all these numbers means?

Where is Rin's going? What does the jewelry have to do with that?

He doesn't even know. He has to know, he couldn't take his decision all the while ignoring the truth, ignoring everything Haru has been through. He could not leave him again.

Haru falls on the floor, his back sliding against the wall. Some clients and coworkers rush to him, to help him; some are just curious to what had happened here, and Nagisa turns them away.

"Are you okay?" he asks him, panicked.

"...We'll have to replace to door." Haru says; only.

He is anything but okay. He cannot move his legs alone anymore.

It takes them a lot of time to clean up the place. Usually Haru would be helped by an employee or two, but after the closure things have drastically changed from his usual routine. Now Haru has to serve customers' dishes. Now, he takes twice more time to do simple task, to clean up; and with Rin's recent visit his brain has just stopped working accordingly to what's happening around him. He passed past a running tap; he didn't turn it off. He even let the gas opened on one of the three burner stoves. He cannot link his actions and their consequences anymore. Nagisa helps him that evening, and watches him walking aimless, as if Haru was set in autopilot mode.

It's past 6 PM when Haru sets the last chair on top of the last table. They just have to wash the floor and they could go home.

"Hey Haru," Nagisa says, his tone serious, "Look."

There's a TV screen in the back of the room where they stand. It's set on the news channel. There are images of a policeman's car, of people panicking but Haru don't understand them. What he does, though, is reading the caption under the silhouette of the journalist.

'Two years after - Jewelry robbed again! A policeman shot. The robber arrested.'

Someone has been shot again.

Haru's blood boiled in his veins, then changes into ice. Nagisa turns around after the breaking news is over, but it's only to find out that he is now alone. The entrance door is wide open; and Haru is gone.

o0o0o

On the other side of town, two friends come back from the hospital.

"It's funny, Momotarou got the exact same wound as yours."

"I hope he's going to be alright," The redhead says as he takes off his cap and belt, and puts them on the cupboard in the entrance hall. "With an older brother like that I'm a little worried - Seijuro is going to nurse him 24/7, the poor boy is sure to get mad within a week."

"Ha!" Sousuke laughs, "That's for sure. But this kid has maybe more energy than you and I combined I'm sure he is going to be fine."

"Minishiba is going to be the new mascot of the station if he continues that way."

They get into their daily clothes in silence. When Sousuke comes back in the living room it's only to find Rin opening their old whiskey bottle.

"You really want to celebrate on Momotarou's injury?"

"No," Rin says, gravely, "I just really need a drink."

Rin pours himself a glass of strong liquor and puts the half empty bottle back on the table tiredly; making it look like it weighted way more than it appears to. He empties the glass quickly, and gasps as the hot liquid goes down on his throat.

Sousuke watches his friend, powerless; Rin's face has disappears behind his crossed arms next to the whiskey bottle and they're back two months backwards.

He is still madly in love with Nanase.

He has perhaps never stopped thinking about him. He had merely coped with his absence, pretended he was alright when in fact, Rin has always been miserable, all this time hiding it from his very best friend.

"Hey, come here." Sousuke says. He takes the bottle away from him before Rin has the time to fill another drink and to drown his sorrow into alcohol.

"He remembered...the fucking cilantro...he remembered everything I like..." Rin is sobbing already, his shoulder beaten to the point that Rin looks like a child. He's lost his stature, his proud posture; Rin is crying uncontrollably into Sousuke's lap who can't do anything but rubs his back, waiting for the crises to pass. If only it could just be a time thing; deep down he knows their story would never let him rest in peace.

He looks blankly through the window that overtakes the sideways; looking at Rin's crying form is too much of a nightmare anyway. It's then that he sees it, a red Mini parking just in from of their house. Gou is coming; she must have heard about the shooting from the Mikoshiba.

"It's Gou," He says quietly, Rin stops sobbing for a second. "Do you want me to ask her to leave?"

Rin shakes his head and wordlessly, he watches Sousuke getting up from the chair next to his and walking to the entrance door. He opens the door.

"Hi! You're alright?" Gou jumps on the topic right away, being the straight forward girl she is, "I heard about the shooting and I thought-"

At this very moment and before he has time to answer the girl's request, Sousuke's phone starts vibrating in his pocket.

'Incoming call from Mak

oto Tachibana.' The screen says.

There are two voices fighting inside his mind as he sees this displayed on his phone. There is a voice that urges him to answer, because it might be serious matter after what had happened today and there is another one, just as noisy, considering that it's none of his business anymore, that taking care of Rin is deadly more important than anything Makoto might ask from him.

It's funny because, without knowing it Sousuke has the fate of the precious person he loves the most into his hands, and it will all depend on the voice he chooses to listen to.

Should he pick up the call, or should he not?

o0o0o

Gou is pouting; Sousuke merely holds the heavy door while answering to his phone.

"A moment please - Yes?"

She rolls her eyes, looking really annoyed. "You haven't changed one bit, hn? Just because I am Rin's sister-"

She passed him, and hits her shoulder against his ribs in the process purposely. Sousuke sighs, he would never understand her.

'Sousuke? Are you in here? Are you okay?'

"Oh yes, yes Makoto, what's the matter? Excuse me I was answering the do-"

'Have you seen Haru lately?'

Sousuke frowns, the news has traveled quicker than expected - is Nanase already home? "Yes we...we've eaten in his restaurant." He almost adds a very weak 'I am sorry' but since he remembered in time that he wasn't supposed to know what he should be sorry for, Sousuke manages to remain as evasive as he could be.

'No I know that Nagisa told me.' Oh yeah, the blond criminal. 'Apparently they were looking at the news on TV and there was something about a robbery in a jewelry store and then, when Nagisa stopped watching he was left alone in the restaurant - Haru was gone.'

"Oh! Hum, no we haven't run into him. I hope he is alright."

'He is not, really, he is very fragile at this moment...I'm actually very concerned I thought...look, don't take it personally but I really thought he had run to your place. So I'm on my way to your house I'll be there in a minute or two.'

And just like that Makoto hangs up, leaving Sousuke in a real and impossible mess to cope with.

He goes back to the living room where Rin is trying to smile at Gou. She can't stop talking about her new car and her new job and her new boyfriend - she doesn't realize it but it's certainly just noise for Rin. He nods and smiles all the time, but Sousuke is sure he cannot think about anything but Nanase. And now Makoto is on his way. There is something that is absolutely certain, at that moment for Sousuke at least; those two must not see each other. He is left with two solutions. Either he keeps Makoto outside or, he has to convince Rin to go upstairs with Gou; and giving that he has very little time and that he doesn't have any idea of what Makoto wants from him...

Nanase. Makoto wants to find Nanase. And he thought he had rushed here because he has heard of the robbery - why would Makoto think such nonsense?

Gou keeps speaking and then, she laughs at her own joke, probably; Rin follows her a few seconds later, it's not much but it's crying out how he doesn't care about what she can be saying. She's his only sister. She used to be the person he loved the most. He would have given the world for her and now, Rin doesn't have the will to listen to her.

How did they end up so fucked up by each other?

"Hum, excuse me you two;" He says, Rin looks hopefully at him, as if asking for deliverance but alas, Sousuke cannot stay with him, not now; but he hopes his bold move would be worth it, at least for Rin. "I'm going outside to do some groceries - are you staying with us Gou?"

"Oh, well, why not?" Rin looks panicked, but smiles nonetheless - as if he has any other solution. He has never been able to say no to her.

"Fine! Perfect. I'll be there in a bit - I hope at last."

Sousuke closes the door before Rin gets the chance to protest. He must not see it. He shall not know what can hurt him, not anymore, not today.

There is a car roaming outside, certainly Makoto's. So that's it; he thought Nanase was here because he wanted to see Rin. He must be aware then, of their past affair, about the love they share and hadn't been able to repress. As if the fireman had guessed, or Nanase confessed, it's none of his business but at least now Sousuke feels much more at ease. He doesn't have to pretend that he doesn't see the bull in the china shop anymore.

He gets outside, slams the door and enters the car before Makoto even parks. His eyes are cold and looking at the road ahead of them.

"Drive to the 6th avenue, we need to go to the jewelry's store there. That's the only place where I can imagine him going. That's where we had to intervene earlier, I think he knew the place."

Makoto looks unwell, but determined. His eyes are lost a moment on the features of Sousuke's face and the next moment, he drives the car to its destination.

"I hope we won't arrive too late." He says, his voice low.

Sousuke raises an eyebrow. "It can't be that bad." He says, trying to reassure his friend from his usual ill-worried tendencies. Makoto's grip on the wheel grows tighter in response. Something suddenly feels very wrong.

"How long have you known?"

The question comes out as they are about to arrive next to the 6th avenue. Considering the circumstances, it seems rather vain to deny the evidence that both of them are aware of Rin and Nanase's affair.

"Quite a while I'm afraid." Makoto says, his voice sounding unaffected. "He told me the following day of the brunch; well he kind of did, very clumsily - he has been really down since. You can say that we haven't been together since that day."

"Really?" And it's horrible but Sousuke can only sound surprised, not even sad. "He didn't tell us when we saw him at lunch."

"That's really weird." Makoto frowns; there is a parking placement on their right. "I have really lost my ability to read into his mind lately. I'm really afraid of what he might do - we should hurry."

They walk quickly, Makoto almost running behind Sousuke's pace, directly towards the place where the jewelry shop is. It's not easy to miss; there are yellow bands surrounding the place. Sousuke can see some of his colleagues still working on the field - and if he is not mistaken there is also the old Mikoshiba giving orders to his squad.

There's also a man, a civil, grasps on the yellow band as if his life depended on it. Sousuke sees him first and he runs, Makoto can't follow him - or didn't want to. Nanase has his eyes stuck on the pool blood that the shooting has caused. The fear and despair in his eyes are almost impossible to bear.

"Hey," Sousuke yells; his hand pats his shoulder but still, the man isn't moving - it's like he hasn't even realized that he was there. "Hey!"

A single tear falls on Nanase's cheek. His head turns slowly to meet his gaze; and Sousuke has the feeling that the man thinks he is facing death itself.

"He is okay." Sousuke says, calmly. "Rin is okay he is alive. He is unharmed."

The realization takes some time but at last, light comes from inside Nanase's blue eyes again. The man literally jumps on Sousuke, seizing his chest with smaller arms and suddenly the cop doesn't know what to do with himself - he can feel Makoto motherly gaze on them, mocking them maybe slightly, and when Sousuke asks for his help his friend just shrugs.

He is smiling wildly though, and that's all that matters.

They drive back to their place, the three of them safe and sound.

'Dude wtf u doin'

'Saving your love life' Sousuke wants to write, but Makoto hands him his tea and so, Sousuke puts his phone on the table. He has never come to their place before. It looks really pretty but also quite empty. But it's only natural now that both of them are packing, ready to leave. It's barely believable.

"You know I think I haven't been very honest with you; because I simply was hiding the truth from myself as well. But we have been everything but great during the past years." Makoto tells him when their drinks are finished. Haru is taking a nap in his bedroom while they're enjoying the hot beverage. Sousuke checks on his phone for the time now and then but he isn't in a rush. Rin could wait from now on, because it's now a hundred percent sure that Nanase will come back to him.

"I have lived with the feeling that maybe I was...you know, forcing him into this relationship. I wanted him to stay with me so much that I literally agreed with everything he wanted just to make things convenient. He must have realized at some point, and he had certainly felt guilty about it. He had stopped asking, we have progressively stopped talking about anything that could be troublesome. We were dying, as a couple; the flame had stopped burning, if there was even one to begin with."

Sousuke gets a new message from Rin. It's almost 8 PM and Gou is hungry - they're going to the restaurant without him. Sousuke has the feeling that Gou is angry at him for no reason.

"It got really bad when my sister broke the news about her wedding. People had started asking us questions...Haru shut himself out. He refused to speak to me for days. That's how things were when you asked me about my sentimental life - I couldn't just tell you that I have been dating the same guy for seven years and that everything was slowly falling apart."

"I'm sorry; I should have seen, I should have done something. You could have talked to me maybe, if I had looked more-"

"No, really Sousuke there is nothing we could have done. I didn't want to see the truth, just as you did probably. I had convinced myself that it was just a phase, or worse, that I could be happy with things staying that way. I was wrong, it was a lie. Even before Rin burst into his life I was feeling miserable. So you see, in the end, there is no real bad guy. It's just a love story with a terrible timing."

Makoto pours himself more tea. His face looks more tired that it had been in weeks. The usual, kind smile on his face is gone.

"Are you going to be okay?"

Makoto puts the kettle down before answering. "Well, I can't get worse now, right?" He says, his voice trying to sound light. "I'm going to rest with my family. This is really what I need right now, I think. I kind of want to start a family on my own too." Sousuke gives him a curious look. "I'll start with a cat, I think; since we can't take one here. I'll make sure to have a big garden, with a great view on the Ocean."

"You come from the shore as well?"

"Yeah, we were living in Iwami with Haru."

"Seriously?" Sousuke's eyes widen, this can't be possible. The four of them come from the very same town. He isn't quite sure that they will all appreciate the irony of the situation though.

Makoto has taken out of his boxes an old album photo from their old swimming club. Nanase has indeed won quite a lot of trophies in his young years.

"You've made all the prefectural tournaments?"

"Yeah at first, but Haru gave up rather quickly when he started middle school. He wasn't that interested anymore, he told me. Things were too easy for him."

"Hey, look, that's us."

Nanase is sitting on the very front, his face impassive as ever - he even looks annoyed to have won - with his victory trophy and there they are, him and Rin, in the top right corner on the old picture. Rin is smiling; they are only meters away from each other.

"If only they could have met that day..." Makoto says, his voice full of regrets.

Things will never have turned out the way they did, surely.

"Before you go, there is something I'd like to ask you. Can you wait here for a second?"

Makoto leaves him alone near the exit and enters the room where Nanase went to sleep earlier. Sousuke hears his soft voice talking to his ex-boyfriend and then, he closes the door behind him. How can this man have so much humanity and devotion running in his veins? There's no doubt that Sousuke would do the same for Rin, but it's not the same relationship they have. They are best friend only, there has been no betrayal, at least not yet. Makoto really possesses something rare, and precious; something that Sousuke admires and he has never felt so proud of knowing that they were friends.

As he waits patiently for him to return, Sousuke looks through his old messages - Rin's, to be more precise. There is something that has been bothering him. He is pretty sure Nanase's face was familiar when he had first seen him at the sushi bar. It could have been because of their common past in Iwami but no, it's not the memory Sousuke had kept, he could picture his grown-up man face, and the way his body was standing, and the way he was looking at Rin in secret-

That's it. The picture Rin sent him, the first Monday.

'Hot chicks at the pool :p' The message said. Rin is taking a selfie with two hot girls in bikini and then, in the background stands Nanase, his hair wet and his bright blue eyes lost on Rin's back. He remembers the conversation they've had that evening. Rin had told him about the race, how fantastic it had felt.

He had certainly taken that picture just to have a glimpse of his rival's face.

What an idiot.

"Sorry for the wait." Comes Makoto voice, minutes later.

"It's nothing, so what did you-"

There is no question to be asked. Not after what Sousuke sees, in front of his eyes.

Nanase is up and fully dressed, he is holding a big sack into his hands. His bright blue eyes are pleading him.

"Please." He says only.

Sousuke doesn't find the strength to refuse.

Makoto nods, approving, giving him his blessing somehow. He drives them back home, with Haru's luggage lying in the back of the car.

o0o0o

It's a real blessing that Sousuke thought of taking his key before leaving.

"I guess I don't need to show you the way." Sousuke says, quite uneasy as he opens the door. He watches Nanase taking off his shoes and putting them in the place reserved for the guests. Maybe they'll need to find him a more suitable place now that he is going to stay here longer.

Life here is going to be a real hell from now on.

He doesn't even know how Rin is going to react to the news.

"I want to take a bath." Nanase says out of the blue as soon as his shoes are off. He has put down his sack in the middle of the entrance hall and walks towards the stairs.

"Hey!" Sousuke calls him out. "We only have a shower!"

Nanase stops dead, and then retraces his steps. His hand is looking for something in his pocket. He hands out a key to Sousuke, who looks at it quite perplexed.

"…And?"

"It's my key."

"What do you want me to do with it?"

"Use it."

"For?"

"If you're feeling in the way, you know. Makoto leaves tomorrow so you'll have the whole place for yourself. He told me he trusts you."

That man, he was joking, right? He wasn't seriously kicking him out of his own place when Sousuke just has kindly accepted to accommodate him?

And then, insidiously, the thought of seeing Rin and that guy being all lovey-dovey all the time and oh my god he won't be able to sleep if he hears Rin moaning every night-

It's already giving him a headache. Sousuke takes the key out of Nanase's reach with anger and frustration filling his eyes. How dare him.

"Anything else?" Sousuke asks, not minding to hide his annoyance.

"Yeah, you can call me Haru."

It shuts his mouth for the time being. That guy...is really troublesome - why does Rin have such a terrible taste?

About thirty minutes later Sousuke can hear the ruffle of keys in front of the door.

"Oh look it's open," Gou's voice comes hushed by the distance. "It seems he is back at least."

She still sounds very pissed about something Sousuke can put his finger on. Was she expecting to see him?

"We're back!" Rin says, tiredly. "The food was good you really missed something."

"I don't think I did, honestly."

He smiles fondly at Rin. The guy looks exhausted; he only hopes that the surprise that is still taking a shower won't end him on the spot. It's almost crazy that Rin hasn't realized yet that the shower is running, or that there is an unknown blue sack at his feet, or that-

"Hey, whose shoes are they?" Gou finally says, her ballerina pump in her hands. Of course, the place she used to put them in is filled with Haru's blue sneakers.

"Oh that? We have a new single guest tonight." Sousuke answers, playfully, his eyes never leaving Rin and the incredulous look on his face.

"Well I hope there isn't more than one of them," Gou adds, still kind of annoyed. She puts Haru's shoes in a corner and manages to add her small and thin ballerina pump in the same place. "I won't say no to a warm coffee right now. Do you still have déca'?"

"Y-yes I, I think we- Sousuke who's in the shower?"

"Certainly one of his new conquests."

"Gou I'm serious." Rin eyes, already turning red, scan the entrance hall. Sousuke watches him carefully, as his best friend's gaze falls on the shoes, then on the sack. He watches the realization and the understanding reaching his face, just like he did minutes ago when he had been the one telling Haru that Rin was still alive. It's definitely a nice feeling to witness.

"You really said that he was single?" He breathes, tears running from the corner of his eyes.

"Well...it's up to you now, isn't it?"

And then Gou watches, her expression bemused, her older brother drying his tears away and running upstairs, only to disappear in the bathroom that someone is already using. Her eyes fall on Sousuke, expecting something from him. "Come here," He says, frankly amused, "I'll make your coffee. And I'll explain the mess that's happening upstairs if you really want to know."

But from now, the two lovebirds need to be left alone.

Under the water Haru relaxes; it's been a while since he hasn't felt that kind of solace coming from his favorite place - he hasn't returned to the pool since the day Rin left him, and he is quite sure that it has been the same for him. Haru waits, patiently, for Rin to come back. He isn't in a hurry. They will have all the time they need to make up for everything and to be happy like they used to, and even more. Maybe they'll even find a way to fuck it up, it's a possibility after all; but it's a risk Haru is ready to take wholeheartedly if it's the only way for him to spend some of his days with the man he loves.

He hears the squeak of the step and then, someone opens the door way too hastily. Haru smiles, it can only be Rin. He hears the ruffle of his clothes, and even if before that moment he didn't know quite well what to say, or how to, he knows now for sure from the way Rin hurries towards the running shower that words won't be necessary.

Rin opens the shower drape. He gasps at how cold the water must be on his bare skin.

"Hi." Haru says, his back facing him.

"...Care if I join you?" Rin asks, unsure. But about what, really?

"You're already in. Why do you ask?"

Rin tsks behind his back and then, his arm reaches for the thermostat. Hot water falls on Haru's hair, burning his delicate skin.

"Hey! You could have warned me."

"I was freezing."

"It wasn't that cold."

"Yes it was."

"You were just fearing that I'll find it too small after all this time."

Haru rests his head on Rin's shoulder, watching his reaction. He looks pissed, as expected. Haru raises an eyebrow.

"...You're impossible." Rin scowls. And then they laugh.

"Your eyes are red, have you been crying?" Haru asks Rin as he washes his hair. His hand leaves his hair to pull away some shampoo that was threatening to get inside Rin's precious eyes.

"Yeah, quite a bit."

"Me too, actually." Haru adds, casually.

"You had a rough day I suppose?" Rin asks then, as Haru puts some shampoo in his hand for him to wash Haru's hair.

"A little bit."

"Same for me. See, I ran into my ex today. He is a complete idiot, if only you could see him." Haru pouts, and blows on Rin's hair and some of the bubbles fly from there - Rin laughs quietly. "I broke up with him because he was with someone else and wouldn't leave him for me; and you know what he did today, instead of telling me that he was on the market again? He kissed me! As if telling me the truth was remotely important! As if I was so irresistible, that he couldn't get his mouth off of me!"

"Well maybe you are irresistible." He says fondly; and then Haru watches Rin, grinning from ears to ears, a sight he hasn't been given to see in a long while - his belly feels warm all of a sudden.

"Thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear."

"...You jerk!"

Haru turns to water on and soon too hot water falls on their head, washing the foam out of their hairs, their faces. They feel like twelve year old teenagers all over again - they fight, or at least pretend too. It's just another lame excuse for their bodies to touch and be touched, a way to feel their heats, their passions, and their beating hearts; they are alive and it's all that matters.

"You know," Rin says, after a while, after it feels too tiring to struggle against the other, against the wish to be just resting in each other's arms. "When I heard the first gunshot I suddenly realized how fragile life could be. It could have been me. It could have been something more important than my shoulder being shot. I could have died and I never see you again."

Haru hears him sniff and then, a drop of water falls on the top of his shoulder. "I didn't want that," Rin goes on, "I wanted, so desperately, to see you again. I only realized at this moment that running away from you has never been an option. Every time I was on patrol I was unconsciously looking for you in the mass of people I ran into. I was restless, always on alert, but I never saw you."

"I thought you were dead."

Rin lifts his head from Haru's comfortable shoulder, and then Haru takes the opportunity to wash his tears away. His thumbs run on his cheeks. "When I saw the pool of blood in front of that shop I really thought you were dead; because for me at that moment I didn't earn the right to be happy, it was just something I deserved. Everything went black. There was nothing around me, I was standing in the void. People were talking to me, touching me, shaking me; but I couldn't see them, or feel them. It's only when Sousuke spoke your name that I was able to come back to my sense. He told me you were alive, and I felt like he was giving me life for the second time."

Rin holds him closer to his chest. He starts crying, more loudly this time. Haru can feel his hands slightly shaking against his back and himself let the tears fall from his eyes silently. Haru's hands are resting on Rin's chest, his fingertips on his collarbones. His head leans on Rin's from its side; they stay like that under the running water until the tears dried on their own.

"Can I hold you tonight?" Rin asks, after they've both calmed down. "Just hold you."

"Ah," Haru nods, "I'd like that. With the pills I take it's hard for me to get in the mood anyway."

Rin frowns, and Haru bites on the tongue; he shouldn't have say that, probably, Rin will get worried for nothing - and feel guilty, on top of everything.

"I'll tell you another time. I'm tired. I just want to sleep in your arms tonight."

Rin falls asleep like a baby. His hand curls around Haru's fingers strongly, his mouth blows on the top of his hair. Haru is sure he had seen Sousuke opening the door at some point, before he went to sleep as well, just to make sure that everything was okay. From now on, everything will be fine.

Haru watches Rin's face as he sleeps. He follows him soon, in a dreamless night.

"Hey." Rin nuzzles him. "Hey Haru, wake up."

"What is it?" Haru mumbles, still half asleep. He yawns and stretches his arms.

"Good morning Haru." Rin says, joyfully.

Haru opens an eye. He sounds like a child on Christmas Eve. "'Morning." He yawns again. It's not even 7 AM yet.

"Haru, it's Tuesday."

Rin is smiling fondly, looking at him as if Haru was the 8th wonders of the world, hidden from everyone's eyes under the white sheets of his bed. Suddenly it hits him.

It's Tuesday morning.

"Yeah, it is."

Haru pulls Rin into a hug. They will have every day of every week that will follow to wish the other a good morning.

And then, time goes by, and life goes on.

Two years later Nagisa and Rei finally got married. They have wanted for Rei's parents to come back from their trip from India where they have stayed a whole year for work. The ceremony was wonderful. Makoto and Haru had agreed to remain the two best men and had managed to enjoy the party quite well. When Nagisa had thrown the bride's bouquet in the air Ran was the one to catch it. She gave it to her favorite older brother.

Makoto is still living in Iwami near his family. He takes care of his mother's diabetes and of his young nephew. Since he lives now near the shore he specialized himself in lifeguarding and is a part time swimming coach to his old swimming club. Since he joined a lot of divorced women had come to register their children to the club - to the new manager's great delight. At this date, Makoto owns five cats - and a dozen more comes occasionally into his garden. He had kept in touch with everyone, even if it's more difficult for those who have settled oversea.

Sousuke eventually accepted to live in Makoto and Haru's old apartment. It was very hard for him to live alone at first, Rin's absence being a lot to deal with now that they're gone, but overall Sousuke likes where his new life is going. He got a promotion and now watches over new recruits - one of them is called Nitori Aiichirou and is a real disaster, it's a miracle that he didn't shot in his own foot yet. And then, there is this new girl that had moved in very recently - her name is Aki, she used to be a friend with Makoto and the others when she was a child. It's hard to hear about Nanase - no, Haru, he corrects himself - all the time when they speak on the door step but he really likes her. Gou isn't that angry with him since she started dating Minishiba, by the way; and it can only be good news for him.

As for Rin and Haruka...

They have settled just next to the shore. Haru only has to walk for less than a minute and his toes curl into the cold sand. It's 1 AM in here, they are closing the restaurant - "the Dolphin and the Shark", that's how it's called, Rin found the name terrific but Haru is still having doubts. They mostly do fishes and Australian beef - another idea of Rin, but it's working kind of well so Haru can't really complain.

"Hey!" There, Rin is calling him from an opened window, "I'm not going to tidy up the place on my own again. Bring your ass down there, will you!"

Haru walks back from the shore, reluctantly. People were still surfing there, in the middle of the night. Life is good here. It had been hard at first to understand the language and cultural difference but it's been a year now. Things are going more than nicely for them.

As he approaches he can hear a tune playing on the radio that Rin had turned on when he started sweeping the floor. He is dancing with the broom in his hands, and humming the melody. Rin is just as terrible with dancing as he is with singing. Haru smiles as he reaches the place.

"And you call that cleaning?" He says, as he stops before the window where Rin was just moments ago.

Rin uses the broomstick as a fake micro and pretends to sing. Haru rests his chin on his hand, watching the most idiotic person in the world; it's crazy just how ridiculous Rin can choose to be just to drag out a smile out of him.

Rin stretches out a hand. "Come," He says, "It's lonely dancing alone."

Haru rolls his eyes. "But I can't even dance."

"Good grief! Me neither! What a coincidence."

Haru laughs unintentionally, and walks, lazily, to his dancing boyfriend. He really can't dance to save his life; this is going to be a real disaster.

"Relax, just let the music and rhythm enter your body. You can do whatever you want, nobody's watching us tonight. You can dance and feel free. Look at me."

Rin starts to rock his hips randomly in perfect rhythm with the beats, his shoulders shake a little bit and then, he takes Haru's hands in his and forces him into his steps. They start jumping in the middle of the empty restaurant, like two young adolescents discovering the furious feeling of love and freedom. Rin brings Haru close to his chest, and then far; he makes him spin just as he had done with his whole world. He catches him back when Haru loses his balance. At the end of the song their bodies are stuck together, and even if it's definitely not the perfect song for that with their foreheads resting together, they start a slow dance, their fingers entwined. They kiss under the moonlight. The waves come and go endlessly on the shore, in the heat of the Australian summer.

I I follow, I follow you deep sea baby, I follow you ~~

Thank you everyone ! Thank you Thank you I'll never thank you enough for all the love I have received. Some of you are really too much.

About this story: I have so much things to say. First, I'd like to point out that they are some time inaccuranties. I tried to make the whole thing coherent but I didn't really thought about it so if you look deep inside there might be some. But since the story pretty vague on that point don't be too regarding about that.
The other point I want to clear out is that, Haru more or less recovers from a huge depression in only two months, and it's just impossible. But I had written two months in chapter one so I had no other choice. I hate medical errors so I will never excuse myself for something so important. Sorry really.
About the story itself: the more I think about it the more I see it as a real AU on its own, as a story and not something I want from canon. Like, this is more or less a 'what if Rin has never transfered AU' but the way they love eachother in this fic is not what I want to see in canon. It's a very violent and passionate kind of love that is kind of destructive and it's what I wanted to write and to share, but I don't want this to be canon - far from it.
I also hope the makoharu parts were not too badly handle. It's really a notp for me and, without insulting it I think it was pretty clear in this fic so if they are some multishippers here thank you for having bear that part of the fic (I really don't mean to bash, so if you had this feeling just tell me.)

Don't forget that, whatever you might see after, this, is the real ending.

I'm going to miss you so much

Feel free to send me request or ask anon or not if you need to talk about it or if some things are unclear or if you didn't really understood something because I need to talk about my baby okay XD

See you later, my friends

Queenie.