This chapter will make very little sense if you aren't familiar with Douglas Adam's book Life, The Universe and Everything. (Which need I say I own about as much as I own of Torchwood, which is nothing except what the bookshops would sell me)Hope you enjoy!
Gwen was edgy. The stone from the invisible lift rested on the floor in the Hub, while Ianto patiently cleaned away the remnants of the last oozing being they'd transported on it.
"Can't you do that on the surface?" she asked. Gwen had never developed the easy acceptance the others all shared about the existence of the gaping hole above their heads while the stone was down here. One of these days, someone was going to fall through, she was sure of it.
"No I can't," Ianto answered, using one of his placid voices. "I can't see the stains well enough to clean it up there, and besides which it'd look a bit conspicuous, don't you think? I mean, especially as I can hardly stand on the stone while I'm cleaning it."
Owen snickered. "Oh yeah, I can just see the locals mesmerized by the flying sponges on every backhand swipe." He leaned forward, offering Ianto something on the palm of his hand. "Oi, mate, when you get the crust off, slide a sample into this, would you?"
Ianto took the offered vial from Owen and slid it into a pocket. "That explains why Owen's hanging around," he said, to no one in particular. "But what about the rest of you? Why are you all watching me clean the stone? Surely you've got something better to do."
The unvoiced threat Or you could help hung in the air.
"I'm not watching," Tosh said hastily, spinning in her chair.
"I am," Jack answered cheerfully. "Because I like seeing you squat, and bend, and the way your ass moves when you scrub…."
Owen complained loudly and went to find an alien to dissect.
Tosh spun her chair back around, a broad smile lighting her face. "I'm here for the view, too," she confessed. "You've got a great tushy, Ianto."
"We could sell tickets," Jack mused. "The Amazing Ianto's Tushy Show."
Ianto said something inaudible and moved around to the other side of the stone. Jack followed him, blithely ignoring the looks Ianto cast his way.
"Apart from that," Gwen said, waving a hand. Not that she was dismissing the appeal of Ianto's rear view. Especially in pinstripes. But as Jack had just proved, drawing attention to it only resulted in Ianto taking the display somewhere else.
"I want to be here in case anyone falls in," Gwen explained.
"No one's going to fall in," Ianto answered.
"Why not?" Gwen demanded, eyes wide. She'd been curious about this from the time she'd discovered Torchwood. "It's a huge great hole up there. If they can't see the stone, so they can't see the hole either, so why doesn't anyone walk into it?"
"Because they walk around it," Ianto explained.
"But why do they walk around it?" Gwen persisted.
"They want to avoid it," Jack chimed in. "Because…"
Gwen waved a hand to cut him off. "I don't want your explanation again," she said impatiently. "It made less than no sense, all that babble you threw in, and I know you did it on purpose so I doubt you'll try to be any clearer this time around."
Jack laughed, but made no attempt to deny the accusation. "I like to preserve the mystery," he explained smugly. "Like the mystery of how Ianto's tailor gets his pants that tight without cutting off his circulation. And how Ianto manages to wear them without splitting the seams. And…"
"Jack!" Ianto scolded. Both Gwen and Tosh smiled, not just because of the scarlet flush that dyed Ianto's cheeks, but also at the way he really didn't look annoyed enough to match his tone. Tosh was fairly sure he was even hiding a smile. It was all a game the two men played, and it was kind of cute.
Jack smirked with a total lack of repentance. "The stone…" he began.
Ianto sat back on his heels, combining a break with an explanation.
"Have you read any Douglas Adams, Gwen?" he asked. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series?"
Gwen nodded. "Of course!" she answered. "And I've seen the BBC series too."
"So have I," Tosh put in. "And I listened to the radio plays as well."
Jack looked from one to the other. "I've been a hitchhiker through the galaxy," he bragged. "Why would I want to read about it?"
Ianto ignored him, quite pointedly, looking instead at the two women. "Then think of it as the airspace around the stone on the Plass being surrounded by a Somebody Else's Problem field," he announced. Whereupon he returned to his scrubbing amidst smiles of understanding from both women and a look of total incomprehension from Jack.
Tosh even applauded quietly, a series of tiny claps with her hands never quite separating. "What a clever way to describe it, Ianto!"
"It makes perfect sense now," Gwen agreed. She patted Ianto on the shoulder in congratulations, then returned to her desk to attack her in-tray with vigor. Unlike Jack, there was nothing Gwen liked better than having a mystery explained.
Jack watched the rest of the Ianto's Tushy show, which while still amazing lacked the usual level of satisfaction. There was something the rest of the team knew, and he didn't, and it annoyed him. There might even be a shred of insecurity associated with that.
-XXX-
"Ianto?" Jack asked tentatively, when it was just the two of them again.
"I've got the audio books," Ianto assured him. "I'll put them on later."
There was something eminently comforting in the fact that Ianto understood exactly what Jack needed without him having to ask. Jack sighed with content and returned to their interrupted activity with renewed enthusiasm.
The Ianto's Tushy show was even better without the pinstripes.
Just a silly little thing to help break some writer's block, but I hope you liked it.