Chapter Thirteen

Stranger Than Your Sympathy

"Is that... a cabin?" Rebecca asked as we emerged from the depths of the forests. I nodded. "Looks abandoned... Luke, you wanna check it out?"

Luke nodded at me. "Yeah, you guys stay out here, Pete, Carlos and I will check it out."

I leaned against a tree as I pulled grass from the ground. I had let myself slip away the other day, and I was afraid it would happen again. I had only ever experienced that once, right after Ben had died. But this time... It was different. Seeing all the tall buildings- I guess the memory played back too many times.

Nick was watching me as I sat there, and it made me wonder if he knew? I had given some lame excuse on how I was afraid of cities, but the truth was I was afraid of accepting the fact that Ben was gone for good.

Luke came out of the cabin a good half hour later, looking perplexed. "It's clear, except there's a girl up there bitten."

I frowned. "We can't just kill her." Nick's mom was the one to speak up. I was still so numb that I really didn't care.

They argued for a bit but I interjected. "We'll go look at her, and then y'all can shoot her." I said as Barbra and I walked up the stairs. The girl couldn't be much older than me, she was unconscious but still breathing. Nick's mom wiped her forehead with a damp cloth while I looked around the room at her possessions.

"Not a lot of stuff here." I said as I looked through a closet. "She mustn't have been here long."

Barbra nodded. "Poor thing."

Before I knew it, everything went terribly wrong. Barbra was on the ground screaming while I was trying to defend myself from the walker chasing after me. It barred it's teeth, snapping at my face. Before it could get me, a shot rang out and the walker fell to the ground.

I looked at Luke with a terrified expression as I stumbled over to Barbra, who had been bitten.

Tears streamed down my face as I rubbed my hands against Barbra's hair. "Sorry... I'm so sorry, I couldn't protect you." I sobbed. "It's all my fault, it's all my fault." I was hysterical.

Nick's mom smiled at me. "Oh, shush now, baby girl, this wasn't your fault, this wasn't anyone's fault."

I sobbed harder. No, it was my fault. I was a screw up. I didn't deserve to live. "Take care of Nick, babygirl." I grabbed her hand gently, hoping to sooth her. "Make sure to give me grandkids so the Randall name can live on."

I managed to laugh as the tears continued to dream down my face. Barbra gave me one last smile before looking over to Nick and Pete. "Can I talk to Nick and Pete alone please?"

Everyone left the room. I was the first one out of there, running to the bathroom and slamming the door behind me. I began to hyperventilate, trying desperately to breath as I tugged at my shirt which was covered in blood. "Murderer..." A voice said in my head. "Murderer..."

I pulled off my blood-drenched shirt, tossing it against the floor. I heard a knock on the door causing me to jump. "Tasha? Tasha, it's Luke."

I unlocked the door and fell to my knees, the sobbing never seemed to end. Luke knelt down in front of me, reaching a hand up to touch my face. "Tasha." He said softly.

I flung my arms around him, crying hysterically. Luke wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me tight against his body. "It was my fault!" I sobbed harder. "It's all my fucking fault!"

Luke slowly made me look at him. His eyes held a sadness I couldn't understand. It was almost as if his heart was going to explode. "This was no ones fault, okay? If anything, you almost got bit too..." His voice trailed off as he looked deeply into my eyes. "I don't know... What I would do if I lost you..." Luke started to lean down, and I forced myself to pull away from his warm grasp.

"I need to dig a grave." I muttered as I pulled on a cleaner shirt.

"Do you need help?" Luke asked as he followed me out of the bathroom and down the stairs where everyone else (excluding Pete and Nick) we're now sitting.

"I got it."

Numb. That's how I felt. I had reached the stage of my grief where I just sort of shut down. It's what kept me going while I was digging. I had to conceal everything, I couldn't feel it... I would explode if I let myself hurt like that again.

I had found a place by the river that I thought would be good for a grave. It took me a while, Luke insisted he should help but every time he tried I just ignored him and kept digging... The voice kept ringing in my head. "Murderer..." Was that what I was? A murderer? I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask for any of this... Maybe I deserved the pain; the agony I felt inside. I thought back to Ben and I could feel the tears come back to my eyes. No, I couldn't think of him now. I had to focus.

Nick and Pete came a few hours later, laying Barbra down in the grave I dug. I stepped back, hugging Pete as Nick aimed the gun at his mother. I tried to keep from crying, but as the shot rang out I began to cry into Pete's shoulder. Nick looked at Pete and I one last time before walking back to the cabin, never once looking back.

Pete and I walked back to the cabin slowly, both of us emotionally drained. "Tasha, I need you to take care of Nick."

I nodded in reply. "Nick's my first priority, Pete..."

Nick took a deep breath. "Babe, I just... Need to be with my thoughts for now."

I frowned. "Are you sure you wanna be alone?" I asked, hoping he would want me to stay.

"I'll be fine, Tasha." I could feel my heart break in my chest as he spoke. He didn't need me... That's what he was saying. He didn't need me there with him...

"Nick-"

Nick pushed me out of our room gently, closing the door before I could stop him. It took everything in me to not break down right then and there. I took a deep, shaky breath before walking downstairs. Rebecca and Alvin were playing cards, and I sat down on the couch next to Sarah who was playing with barbies that were in a box. Rebecca gives me a knowing, sad smile. I just stare at the table while Sarah talks to me. As everyone heads to bed, Luke comes downstairs.

"Hey, what're you still doing up?" He asked as he flung a rifle over his shoulder.

"I'm sleeping down here." I shrugged, trying not to say too much.

Luke frowned. "Oh... You can sleep in my room, if you want."

I shook my head. "Nah, the couch is fine. Be careful out there." I told him with a forced smile as he went outside to take watch.

I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears streamed down my face as I curled up on the couch. Nick didn't need me... He didn't want me to stay with him... I cried harder as I closed my eyes, only seeing scary images whenever I did. Maybe I deserved to be alone... No one needed me... I was weak, and I only brought the group down.

The tears never quit as I fell into a deep, nightmare filled sleep.

Luke walked into the house after his shift was done. He walked over to Tasha, who had finally fallen asleep. She was shivering, so he put a blanket over her. Luke frowned as he stared at her tear-stained cheeks. He stroked her face gently before leaving the room, wishing he could comfort her further.

I woke up a few days later to Sarah poking me. I wiped my eyes, yawning slightly. "What is it, Sarah?"

She grinned at me. "Breakfast is ready!"

Honestly, she was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. She kept my mind preoccupied so I didn't have to think at all. I followed her into the kitchen where everyone except Nick was sitting. "I made a bowl for Nick, do you wanna take it to him?" Rebecca asked with a smile.

I shook my head. "He doesn't wanna see me, so no..."

I took my bowl, stalking out onto the porch. I couldn't do this... I felt miserable knowing he didn't need me to be with him... I had to try to stay strong for him, but all I could do was feel sorrow. It was my fault his mom was dead... Was that why he didn't want me? Did... Did he think it was my fault too? I dropped the bowl on the ground as I ran out into the forest, tears streaming down my face.

Nick's POV

*knock* "Nick, it's me, man. Open up."

I opened the door, not exactly happy it was Luke. "What do you want?" I asked with annoyance, not wanting to be around the guy that was trying to steal my girlfriend; my best friend.

"Look, man..." Luke said as he set a bowl of Oatmeal down. "I know you're mad at me, and I get it. I do..."

"But I'm sorry about your mom, Nick."

Luke hugged me, and I couldn't help but hug him back. "I couldn't save her." I mumbled as I pulled away, tears in my eyes.

"This ain't no ones fault, Nick. Stop blaming yourself..."

"Nick, I know you need time to yourself. Believe me, I get it. But Tasha needs you, man."

"Why would she need me?"

"You don't see what this is doin' to her, man... Look, I'm here for you if you need me..."

"Luke?" I said before he left the room. "Thank you, for saving Tasha..."

****FOUR HOURS LATER****

"Luke, have you seen Tasha?" I asked as I walked down the stairs.

Luke shook his head. "No... I've been on watch for the past couple hours. She isn't in here?"

"I saw her go into the woods." Sarah said as she played with her dolls.

I felt a pain go through my stomach as I pushed past Luke, running into the forest. How could she be so stupid?! Going off on her own like that!

Tasha's POV

I kicked a rock into the river as I felt tears fall down my face. I could just jump into the river and drown myself. No one would have to worry about me, and no one would miss me anyways. My thoughts were telling me to end my life, that I wasn't worth anything. I got the people I love killed... I murdered three innocent people... I deserved to die.

"Tasha."

Hearing Nick's voice made me step back from the ledge, but only just. I couldn't trust him yet... Not right now. I couldn't even trust myself.

"How could you go off on your own like that?! You know how bad it is out here!"

"I didn't think it mattered to you." I said honestly, my voice quiet and broken. "You don't need me... If I was dead it would be better on all of you... One less useless mouth to feed."

Nick grabbed me harshly, spinning me around to face him. He looked bewildered. "How can you say that?! How can you say you'd be better off dead?!"

"Because it's true!" I screamed, tears once again coming to my eyes. "I AM NOTHING! ALL I DO IS MESS UP! ITS MY FAULT YOUR MOMS DEAD!" I attempted to pull away from him, but Nick just pulled me closer.

"It was no one's fault. But it was definitely, not yours Tasha..." Nick sounded frightened. "Don't ever think it was your fault..."

Tears streamed down my face as I looked at him. "You don't blame me?"

Nick shook his head, tears coming to his eyes. "It wasn't your fault!"

I shook my head. "I'm a murderer... You're lying... You don't need me..."

Nick pulled me tight against him, kissing my forehead. "I'm so sorry I didn't see how this was affecting you... This was not your fault, Tasha..." I sobbed into his arms, unable to hold back any longer. "I need you so much that some nights I can't sleep because I have nightmares and want nothing more than to have you calm me down... But on most days, I just want to be left alone..."

He couldn't see it.

But I felt it.

Even though it was what he needed, this was breaking my heart.

Did he think telling me he needed space was going to help?

"I promise you," Nick said as he stroked my cheek, looking deeply into my eyes. "I will try to be less distant, but if I can't be around anyone, please understand... It's not you, babe... It's just what I can handle."

I nod in reply, unable to speak. A part of me felt better, but the rest felt just as miserable. I hoped that, at least for tonight, he wouldn't make me leave again.

There were days where Nick would hold me in his arms all morning. He would stroke my hair, or listen to my heart. We wouldn't talk; we would lay in silence. But it was enough. Most nights Nick would wake up from a nightmare, and I would comfort him the best I could. I knew those nightmares all too well; the wondering... Wondering if there was something you could've done to change what happened...

Then there were the terrible days... The days where Nick still would push me away. It was tough to spend every night with Nick, not knowing if the next morning he'd want me there or not. But I had to do what was best for him. Not me.

"Hey." Luke said as he sat beside me. I managed to smile. "Hey. You on watch next?"

He nodded. "Yup. It's gonna be a long night."

"I bet..." I replied, only half paying attention to him.

"Are you okay?" Luke was staring at me, and I couldn't help but look back at him.

"I just miss people I knew in the past... People I've lost."

Luke nodded with sympathy. "I miss my parents a lot... But you gotta be strong, Tash. Not only for yourself but for all of us... And for Nick." Luke hugged me gently, giving me a kiss on the forehead goodnight before walking out to his post. I frowned, feeling butterflies in my stomach. I shook my head, laying back on the couch before falling into a deep sleep.

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Remember to leave a review :3

SpawnOfSatan: I hope you liked this chapter :) I think that they'll make up soon, but you'll just have to wait and see :) thank you for your reviews 3 they really help me continue to write. I'll be posting chapter 14 tomorrow!

Guest: Chapter 14 she'll show up

Katie: :3 as you asked, today is an update day xD so will tomorrow

RKaarisNK : thank you:3 I always find it hard to get Nick's attitude right but I try my best 3 I'll update ASAP for sure! :)