Notes: This is based on the song 'How can I help you say goodbye' and 'See you Again' Google them darlings! I get no profit from this, it's just fun! I'm sorry about your feelings
This is the prequel to 'The Camelot Fall' You don't have to read that but might be fun! This story will stand alone!
The first time Arthur sad it was after Freya. The prince had no idea what he'd done, he had no idea why Merlin was so sad, but he still tried. He always tried with Merlin, and he messed it up more often than not, but all that matters is he always tried.
Merlin wa sitting, pants a little wet and hands sore. He didn't feel like using magic, he didn't even feel like breathing, as he scrubbed the already polished boot again. He'd done this three times already before Arthur sauntered in. It's just Merlin's luck that today the prince would decide to perceptive. He sat down beside his servant, looking at him a moment. "Merlin?" Arthur finally said, trying to get a look at the younger boys face. merlin turned away sharply, feeling tears in his eyes.
"Hm?" Merlin didn't trust his voice not to crack, to shatter over the wooden floor he sat on. He didn't trust himself not to open his mouth and let all his secrets glide out. To swarm Arthur with the things no one knows, to make the prince execute him. He could force his hand with three words, ten letters pulled together, those simple syllables could end his life. It would be so simple, but yet all he could do was chock a 'hm' out of his throat. He was scared.
"I...I'm sorry about all the chores." Merlin wanted to laugh, he wanted to turn around and hug the blonde idiot. The nobel, strong, beautiful man beside him. He did let a grin spread over his face, though, and he could /feel/ Arthur smile beside him. "But, that's not why you're sad." Merlin froze, breath stuck in his chest, throat closed, eyes wide. "It was that girl...wasn't it?" There was a jealous undertone in the question, but clear and true compassion filled the rest of it.
"H-how…?"
"Oh well I, uh, followed you…" Arthur said, running a hand through the hair on the back of his head. He gave Merlin an apologetic smile, scooting a little closer and hesitated before throwing his arm around the servant's thin shoulders. "She was the...monster." Arthur was whispering now, breath curling over Merlin's cheek because he was so close. The servant swallowed hard, then let out a shuddering breath and gave the prince a jerking nod. "Thought so…" Arthur tipped his head back, taking a deep breath of his own and squeezed his servant again. "I'm...s-sorry."
"You were d-doing what was best for the kingdom, Arthur, you didn't...I mean it's not…" Merlin looked at his hands, remembering the flames he had dancing over them just a day before. He twisted his fingers around, shrugging gently so not to dislodge the arm and bumping Arthur. "You did what was right…"
"But not fair." Arthur said, still staring at the heavens like they would give him something. He let go of Merlin then to drag his hands over his face, shaking his head. "I'm so sorry Merlin, I wish...I wish…" Merlin took one of Arthur's hand in both of his to the surprise of both boys, and gave a broken but true smile.
"I know…" He whispered, and Arthur gave a little smirk in return.
"How can...How can I help you say goodbye?" Arthur finally asked, making the dark haired boy shake his head and turn away, dropping the other mans hand. Arthur ignored the feeling of cold creeping through the appendage and inched ever closer. "It's… okay to hurt, Merlin, and it's okay to cry." Merlin shuddered and Arthur put both his hands on the boy's shoulders. "Just let me help you through this. How can I help you say goodbye?"
"Just…." Merlin lost his voice in a sob then, and Arthur closed the inches between his front and the servants back, pulling the skinny boy into his arms. Merlin twisted a little, trying to get away but Arthur pressed him closer and the boy relaxed then. A sharp, broken breath escaped the boy as he hid his face in the prince's chest. Arthur held him then, listening to muffled sobs and rocking him. Neither of them mentioned that Arthur was singing softly under his breath. Merlin continued the tears for close to an hour, and for that hour Arthur sang and he held and he promised any God that would listen he'd never allow /his/ Merlin hurt again.
The next day Merlin came in to wake Arthur and neither of them mentioned the tears or the comfort.
The two went on as they always had after that, ignoring how they would stare at each other a little longer, or how the let touches linger just a bit more. The feelings of butterflies and ridiculous smiles all pushed away from their minds, even if Morgana and Gwen noticed neither brought it up. They knew the boys would get there, one day.
Then Merlin made a mistake, he made a deal and Camelot paid dearly. The fight went on, and on but even when he came to the last moment he was weak. He looked up at the dragon, at his brother, the glistening scales and proud face and he couldn't do it. So he sent the beast away, and he turned to see the smoke still flooding the stars from the great city. Arthur lay still on the ground and Merlin wanted to tear his heart from his body. He let this happen. He cut the chains, watched the monster tear the world he loves to ruins, then let it run free.
He was the monster.
Merlin looked up at the stars, the little lights poked through the velvet sky, and let all the blame for everything crash over him. He tried to prevent things, he tried to help, he tried and tried but all he did was help Arthur's destiny unroll itself. The moon was bright through the haze of thick, gray smoke, like a taunt to the boy who tried to be a man. The warlock who tried to be a wizard. The servant who tried to be a friend.
Merlin felt the tears before he realized what was happening, and he held his breath to keep them back. He didn't deserve to cry, he hadn't lost anyone in the battle. He should've lost everything, he should have been burnt to ash, he should have died. Merlin held his breath for the lives lost and the people hurt, the nightmares children would have, and the pain everyone but he was feeling. He didn't get to cry, or hurt, he just got to stand there.
There was movement from Arthur, and Merlin turned quick enough to see the confusion on the man's face before he sat up. Arthur looked around at first, Merlin recognized the initial fear that the dragon was still lurking, before Arthur's frantic eyes landed on the skinny boy and he visibly relaxed. Arthur gave him a smile as he pushed to sit up fully.
"What happened?" Arthur asked innocently, and a million words flooded Merlin's mind. The servant swallowed hard and smiled, motioning around the area with false cheer.
"You killed it." Merlin lied, tilting his head to the side with a grin. He wasn't on this planet to feel pain, he was here to make sure Arthur became the king he could be. It wasn't his place to get sad, or to get attached to the man. He was simply the warlock that would be forgotten.
"No…" Arthur mumbled, standing up and striding to Merlin. Merlin's blue eyes turned into circles as Arthur searched his face intently. "No I didn't."
"Wh-what? Yes you did!" The warlock spluttered, flailing just a bit. Arthur stepped closer, and Merlin stilled immediately. Arthur lifted his hand slowly, removing the glove before taking Merlin chin in his hand, and he leaned in closer with his eyes narrowed. Merlin held his breath as the prince searched his face, royal blue eyes flicking over every inch the servant was afraid he could see all the secrets that hide just beneath his eyes. "Arthur." Merlin whined after a few minutes of uncomfortable staring and tangible tension. The servant pulled his face away with a huff, glaring at the prince.
"What happened Merlin?" It was soft, innocent, and filled to the brim with sentiment. Arthur was still close, and Merlin had to turn his head away when he shrugged. Arthur seemed to come closer, if it was possible to do so without touching. Merlin closed his eyes, afraid of the look he might see on the other man's face. It wasn't his destiny to love Arthur, or to be loved by him. He was meant to protect, to hide behind the cloak of stupidity and make sure Arthur became the glorious man he was meant to be. He couldn't let his feelings do this to him.
"You killed the dragon…" Merlin whispered again, still refusing to look at the prince. "That's...you had to have...it's…" Merlin coughed, the tightness of his throat felt like it would claw it's way through his entire body, making him fold in on himself and disappear forever. "You killed the dragon."
"Merlin." A tinge of anger this time. Not the vicious kind that lashed out and destroyed, but the kind that was built from pain and love. The kind that hurt more than anything else, the kind you only gave to those special few. The ones you wanted to protect.
"You were knocked out…" Merlin's voice was so small the wind almost took the words away, carrying them to a land far away for a fairy to capture in her arms. "I didn't...I couldn't…" Deep breath, moving eyes from the ground to the worried face of a friend. "It got away. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Arthur. I just couldn't...not something like that...it's the last of it's kind...I couldn't…"
"I understand…" Arthur said, moving to put a hand on Merlin's shoulder and waiting for the servant to turn his head fully towards him. "I don't think I would've been able to, either…"
"But…" Merlin's voice was trembling now, the guilt painted over his face was obvious. "It killed so many...it tore down Camelot...The people…" Arthur nodded, a flicker of pain crossing his face when he thought of his people. Merlin stepped back violently, eyes wide as he shook his head. "You can't be...You can't be okay with me letting the dragon go…" He said, the words falling apart as the slipped from his tongue. Pain and guilt filling his eyes and pouring down his flushed face. "Why aren't you angry? I let...It killed...and I just…" Merlin swallowed the rest of his statement, knowing it would never come out properly anyways. He wasn't far from Arthur, he could still feel the man's body heat. The warlock spun around, crossing his arms as his body caught between shivering and shaking with tears. He heard the grass crunch as Arthur closed the distance again.
"How can I help you?" Arthur asked gently. "Merlin it's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry." Arthur was even closer now. He stepped around Merlin so he was in front of him again, and pulled the younger boys chin up so he could see his eyes. Merlin wasn't crying anymore, but his cheeks sparkled in the moonlight and his eyes were red. Merlin sniffled. "Let me help you through this…" Arthur pleaded, bringing them even closer so their foreheads rested against each other. Merlin's eyes fluttered shut and his shoulder relaxed even though his arms were still wrapped around his torso. "How can I help you?" Arthur whispered so softly the words sounded like a prayer.
Merlin lifted his eyelids when his body finally stopped trembling, even though he was still hiccupping. Arthur gave him the smallest smile, moving to pull away only an inch so he could wipe the last tear from his friends face. Merlin gave the man a tiny, simple little smile as he unconsciously leaned towards the touch on his cheek.
"Merlin I-" Arthur started, then closed his mouth as he searched the younger boys face. "Can I-" He couldn't make himself say but Merlin understood, he always did. Merlin bit his lip before nodding and looking to the side. They moved awkwardly, slowly and unsurely closer. Their lips met gently, both unsure at first. Arthur pulled Merlin closer, pressing their mouths harder until Merlin finally caught up with the world and wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck, tilting his head a little further. Arthur licked at his lips like a question in silence, and Merlin obliged like he always would and opened his mouth to let the prince discover what he would.
They stood like that, holding each other in an empty field, fire and smoke in the background and stars flitting through. Arthur didn't notice the golden lights that were floating around them, or how his servant's eyes were golden. All he noticed was the hips his arms were wrapped around, the hands in his hair, and the mouth on his.
On the way back to the castle the boys walked hand in hand, and neither commented on the fact Arthur was singing softly.
It was bloody, the ground soaked under the bodies. People Arthur knew, knights he fought beside, people he loved lying around him. At his feet was a boy he trusted, a boy he thought he knew, a boy he'd killed. Mordred had betrayed, everyone had betrayed him, everyone except Merlin. Merlin his friend, Merlin his servant, Merlin his secret husband. Gwen was safe he knew, and he was thankful. He may not love her, but she was his queen and most trusted friend. She could rule his kingdom, he knew she could beside Leon. Together they would keep his people safe, his Merlin safe.
He was going to fall, he could feel it. The blade inside of him was going to be his end, and all he hoped was that he could see Merlin before the darkness took him. He didn't think he would though, because he felt himself falling and falling. The world was losing color around him, the pain didn't feel like anything anymore as he watched a blue sky turning gray. There was movement around him, he could sense something like magic. Maybe it was Morgana, here to finish everything. Then a familiar, and somewhat hated, face appeared before him. The old man, the old wizard. Arthur was plunged into the world of unconsciousness before he knew what the wizard was going to do, the last word on his lips, barely escaping.
"Merlin…"
Arthur woke on the ground, and he heard a familiar bickering in the distance. Merlin and Gaius. He felt a smile spread over his face, even though he could still feel the cool metal inside of his chest. He still sensed his death coming on quickly, but was thankful he could see the one he loved before then. After a few moments of inaudible conversation Gaius hobbled over to him. Arthur was dizzy, and barely heard any of the plan but grunted his agreement.
"Take...Take this to Guenevere." He said, flinching with the sharp pain in his ribs. He rested the seal of Camelot in the trusted physicians hand. "She can...can take care of my people. I t-trust her if I do not return." Gaius nodded, still loyal to his king even when they both knew he was never going to see his city or queen again. They wanted to give Merlin hope, they both lived for that boy, and they knew it.
"You're going to return." Merlin said sharply, pulling himself onto his horse. His back was pin straight, shoulders squared and lips in a pout. Arthur felt a new kind of pain curl up inside of his heart, seeing the glint of the ring on the string around his husbands neck. He knew he was going to die, and he'd accepted it on that battle field. He'd accepted the goodbye to his people, his friends, his knights, but Merlin...He was never going to be able to accept that.
They rode all day, the destination was unknown to the king but he let Merlin lead him. Merlin rambled on and on, and everytime he paused for Arthur to respond all the man could do was say "I love you." and every time he did he saw tears in his husbands eyes as he mumbled "I know, I love you too." Then took a deep breath and continued. They stopped for camp and Merlin was pacing, he was fidgeting and scared before sitting down roughly on the ground.
"Please don't hate me…" Merlin begged, the tears still in his eyes, Arthur was about to respond but Merlin shook his head. "Arthur, my love, I...I have magic." Merlin wouldn't look at him, and Arthur remembered that night years ago in the field, Merlin looked just like he had that day. Broken and silent, refusing to look Arthur in the eyes as he stumbled around in his words.
"I...know." Arthur responded, causing Merlin to jerk up and stare. "We've been married...th-three years now? I know, Merlin." Arthur flinched as he tried to sit himself up a little to look at his husband. "I didn't mention it because I thought you...You didn't want me to know."
"Me?" Merlin squawked. "I thought you would hate me!" It was a familiar tone, the tone they used when arguing about taxes or who got what side of the bed. A tone of simpler times, of happier memories and it made the tight, frozen feeling in Arthur's gut melt just a little.
"I could never hate you." Arthur said with a wink, making Merlin splutter and mumbled as Arthur leaned forward just enough to ruffle his hair. "I love you, idiot." Merlin flailed, pulling away from Arthur hand but he was smiling. The pain, the fear was still in his ice blue eyes, but he was smiling that old, cheeky smile.
"I love you too." Merlin huffed, picking up Arthur's hand and holding it like he had the night Freya had died. He rubbed his thumbs over the ring, letting his head hang as he studied Arthur's hand as if it was the answers he always seeked. Arthur gave Merlin's left hand a squeeze and nodded towards the ring.
"P-put it on…" Arthur tried for a commanding tone, but the exhaustion and pain made it sound thin, but Merlin still obliged. He pulled his hands away from Arthur's, tugging the necklace over his hand and untying the ring from it's place on the center. The warlock slid the cool metal band onto his finger with ease, it still fitting perfectly even though he rarely wore it. Arthur smiled at the sparkling metal, pulling the hand to his heart which was giving a slow, faint beat. "Always my love, until the day I die." He whispered, and Merlin broke then. A day, a lifetime, of tears falling and soon Arthur joined him, not mourning his own death but the time he wouldn't get to spend with the brilliant riddle that was the man he loved.
"J-just hold me.." Arthur pleaded as he cried, he could feel the last of his life leaving, draining from him. He took a moment to revel in the role reversal, the first time something like this happened he'd held Merlin, rocking him. Now he was in his husbands arms as his life came to it's end, but his past didn't flash before his eyes. Not his father or sister or queen, not even his days with Merlin. All he saw was the tears and pain and bitterness on his husbands face, and a future that they would get to live one day.
A future with a flat and crazy tea, a future where Morgana was happy and Gwen got to be with Lancelot. A future where Merlin had he got to be together, publically. Where his husband got to wear his ring every day, and he got to take him to dinner and kiss him whenever he wanted. Where he could hold his wizard close to him while they talked and no one would ridicule him, where his father didn't kill off innocent people. A future he could feel deep inside of him would come to pass one day.
Arthur reached forward, brushing a stray hair from Merlin's beautiful, expressive eyes. "How can I help you say goodbye?" He forced out, his lungs refusing to accept air. "It's okay my love, it's okay to hurt...It's-It's okay to cry." Arthur repeated the words he said before, and he could hear Merlin singing softly under his voice, the song Arthur always sang. Neither of them knew what it was, or what it meant but they always sang it. "Let me hold you through this….How can I help you say goodbye?" Merlin's sobbing grew in intensity but he still held Arthur close to him, still sang through the broken breaths of a broken heart.
'Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won't cry
Cause I know I'll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow.
I will see you again, whoa
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
'Til I see you again'
Merlin sang on, and Arthur let the words carry him into the thing unseen that was taking his soul. He was not meant to stay in this world, at least not now, but before he went he wanted to do one last thing. One last moment with his love, his warlock, /his Merlin/
'I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow.'
Arthur sang in a croaking, oxygen deprived voice as his world narrowed. Merlin continued with him, giving a torn smile to his husband as the light around them disappeared. All Arthur could see, the last thing he would see, was Merlin's face.
Merlin saw when Arthur's heart stopped beating, and his magic tangled up around them, crisscrossing and screaming in agony as the last breath escaped his husbands lips. Merlin didn't know what to do as he sat alone, a duller world surrounded him as gold outlined trees and grass, every blade and leave covered in the magic Merlin had inside of him. The land around him turning more and more elegant with every moment the magic swirled around it, causing the plants to grow and the lake to sparkle. He would make Arthur's resting place the most beautiful place in the world, like the king had been the most beautiful person.
I will see you again, whoa
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
'Til I see you again
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I will see you again, whoa
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me
I will see you again, whoa
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
'Til I see you again.
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone.'
Merlin finished the song he knew by heart, the song he knew was not from their time. It was a song he and Arthur had simply known all their lives, a song for them, and a song about them. It was the last thing he said to the utopia he created for his love.
Merlin sailed Arthur out on lake Avalon that day, the dragon's wings still could be heard distantly as he sang their song to the emptiness. The lake Arthur lay in just a speck in Merlin's view as he cried.
"I love you."