Chapter 8

They travelled throughout the morning, riding and idly talking of anything that came to mind. They stopped briefly around midday to take their horses to the stream to drink and have lunch themselves.

When their horses were finished drinking and tied to a nearby tree, Belle got out their food and set up a small picnic. "Rumple," she asked, and he looked at her questioningly. "How far is the Queen's castle? How many days of riding is it?"

"Tired already?" Rumple teased, and laughed when she gave him a mock expression of offense. "The Queen's castle is no more than a few day's ride from mine," he said. "I'd say we'll get there in the next few days.

Belle nodded, wondering how he knew where they were. To her, it just seemed like the middle of a forest. She was thankful they were together, because she doubted she could have found her way around this forest herself.

As they ate they sat in silence, and Belle found herself wishing she could read the book she had taken from Storybrooke library. She didn't get it out of her purse, however, for something told her it wouldn't be a good idea to read it in front of her husband. She wasn't sure why she felt that way, but she'd learned at an early age that instincts tend to be right.

When Belle finished eating, she found herself wishing she could think of something to talk about. But what? There really wasn't anything that needed to be said between them, and Rumple had never been very good at small talk.

She tried a few times to strike up an idle conversation, but they'd talked all morning, and her husband made few attempts to carry on a conversation with her. Bored and somewhat frustrated, Belle suddenly stood up and announced, "I'm going to go down to the stream and refill my canteen."

Rumple nodded. She hadn't invited him to go with her, so he simply said, "Okay, but be careful."

"Always am," Belle said, unable to resist sending a small, flirtatious smile his way before she turned toward the sloping bank of the stream.

Rumple watched her go, his mind blissfully blank for the first time in a long time. He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't felt guilty about something, hadn't felt the need to make something right. Going on this mission, while it may not have been well-planned, had certainly been the right thing to do, he was sure of it.

When Belle was out of site, Rumple began to busy himself by getting their things ready to go. He put the remaining food back in the saddlebags, rolled up the blanket they had been sitting on, and picked up Belle's bag to attach it to the saddle as well.

When he picked it up, though, a book fell out. Surprised, Rumple bent down to see what it was. He hadn't thought she'd brought any books other than Henry's, although he wasn't surprised. The girl was always reading. But when he picked up the book, he suddenly became very worried. The title was A Traveler's Guide to Magic and Adventures. Why did Belle have a book like that?

Rumple quickly flipped through the book, and just when he started to think it was just a harmless book, he got to the last section. The last section was about survival; it had detailed explanations on how to survive in the wilderness. Harmless enough, perhaps even helpful. That wasn't what worried him. What worried him was how the book taught survival.

The last section of the book was about spells. It told the reader how to cast certain spells that can be used for survival, and it even included the origins of the spells and exact measures to take when casting them.

The problem was, the spells in the book were dark magic. The author had clearly left that detail out. If anyone knew the dangers of dark magic, it was Rumple. His worry only increased as he read through the spells. He realized that the author had clearly described what the spells were used for, but had said nothing about what casting each one would cost. All magic, he thought to himself, especially dark magic, comes with a cost.

He recognized some of the spells, and they weren't ones he would advise anyone to cast. Some of them were ones he had never even cast himself. Surely Belle knew the dangers involved in something like this?

The more he thought about it, his worry transformed into anger. Hadn't Belle learned by now that magic is dangerous? Why was she messing around with this stuff? Had she already tried magic herself?

Just when Rumple thought he needed to go to the stream and confront her, he heard leaves crunching under Belle's footsteps as she approached their little campsite.

When she was within view, Belle saw that Rumple already had everything ready to go. He was facing the horses with his back to her, so she called out, "Leaving already?" She said it in a sweet but still mildly sarcastic tone, "I rather enjoyed sitting here under the trees for a while."

Of course she was joking, so she was momentarily taken aback when Rumple turned toward her. She immediately recognized the anger in his face, and she could tell he was upset with her. His expressions were different when he was mad at someone else; he'd get a faraway look in his eyes that told her he was thinking of all the times that person had wronged him.

But now, behind the anger, he looked hurt. He always did when they had a fight, like the anger was half with her and half with himself. It was always more emotional when he was angry with her.

Belle was frightened, and had to stop herself from thinking back to the previous times she had seen that look on his face. They were not times she wanted to remember. Stop being emotional, she told herself. Think, and figure out what is wrong. Rumple hadn't said anything to her, just stood there looking into her eyes with that half-angry, half-sad stare, and she could feel his accusations burning through her even without any words having passed between them.

Belle averted her gaze from his eyes, afraid that if she kept looking at him she'd lose control of her own emotions, and that would only complicate things. As she looked down, she saw the book in his hands.

The book! He found her book. She still hadn't really thought about why she hadn't told him she had it, but now she wished she had been more honest, both with him and with herself. Feeling the need to say something now, Belle took a deep breath to get control of her voice and said, "Rumple, you found my book." Even to her it sounded like a dumb thing to say, but she didn't want to complicate things further.

Rumple looked at her with that look that she hated to see, but this time she forced herself to hold his gaze. She briefly wondered what he could read on her face, but her musings were interrupted when he said, "Belle, why do you have this? Why didn't you tell me you were reading something like this?"

He sounded angry, but she could detect a hint of worry behind his anger. Belle shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "I found it at the library. It was out of place, so I picked it up, and I saw it didn't have an author, so I took it back to my desk and tried to see if I could figure out who wrote it and where it should go." That was the truth, the beginning of it, at least.

That wasn't what Rumple wanted to hear. Instead of waiting for her to finish, Rumple said angrily, "But why did you bring it? Why do you still have it?"

Belle didn't understand what the problem was. "It's just a book, Rumple. I forgot to put it back, and then I thought, if we were going to travel, I'd bring it along. It's just a book," she repeated, "It's harmless enough…"

"Harmless?!" Rumple shouted, not thinking about how his words came out. "Do you know what this is? It certainly isn't just a book," that last part came out in a harsh, mocking tone he hadn't been meaning to use.

Rumple was in a rage now, not thinking about how his words might hurt his wife. "This book is dangerous! Why didn't you tell me when you brought it back from the library? Do you not trust me enough to tell me, or did you want it to be a secret?"

He wasn't being fair, and his words stung. Belle looked like she'd been slapped, but Rumple didn't notice. He was too angry to see what he was doing. Belle knew she shouldn't give in to her own anger, but she couldn't help it. "Of course I trust you!" She yelled. "And no, I don't know what that is. To me, it IS just a book! I would never keep a secret from you if I thought it would be dangerous. Don't you know that? Don't you know me well enough by now?"

He didn't respond, and he wasn't mollified by her words. Seeing that she wasn't getting through to him, Belle decided she needed some time alone to think this through. She wasn't going to be able to reason with herself, let alone with him, in this state of mind. She turned to go back to the stream, but before she left, she couldn't help but leave him with one final retort. "Besides, keeping secrets is your specialty, not mine." And with that she was gone.

Rumple found himself alone with the horses, still fuming inside. Nothing Belle said had gotten through to him, not until that last sentence. That last one hurt. He knew he had kept too many secrets from her in the past, had lied to her, and still she trusted him. Still she loved him.

When his anger finally subsided, Rumple began to think more clearly. Perhaps she hadn't gotten to the back of the book. Maybe she had, and she honestly didn't know what it was. Maybe she hadn't meant to keep it a secret from him. It was possible that she had just thought it was another book.

Rumple was upset with himself now. He realized he'd let his emotions get in the way of seeing the truth. He had gotten so angry because he had been worried about Belle's safety. He hadn't wanted her to endanger herself by using magic. If something bad had happened to her, he never would have been able to forgive himself. And he had been mad because he thought she was keeping it from him. Thinking it over, though, he realized that she would be the last person to keep magic a secret from him. She hated what magic had done to him, hated that it had turned him into a monster. She wouldn't have practiced it herself, especially not without telling him.

The more he thought about it, he realized he had been too harsh with her, and he wanted desperately to say he was sorry, to tell her that he'd let anger get the best of him, to have her back in his arms.

But it was too late. She was gone.

Belle sat down on a large rock by the stream, and cried silently to herself. She knew she should have been calmer, should have tried to get him to see reason. She shouldn't have given in to anger that easily, yet she had. He'd been so unfair, accusing her of lying to him and keeping secrets.

Well, you did keep it a secret, she thought, and was even more upset, this time both with herself and with Rumple. Why hadn't she told him about the book earlier, so this whole mess could have been avoided?

But what was there to tell? She really didn't know. She swiped at the tears on her face, trying to remain calm and figure it all out. She hadn't let herself dwell on why she hadn't told him about the book when she had first brought it back from the library, but now she had to figure out why she had done that.

Because it felt like the safest thing to do? That wasn't really an excuse. It's just a dumb book, she thought. She didn't tell him every time she brought a book home to read, so why did it matter so much that she hadn't told him about this one?

Was it because the title had magic in it? Belle hadn't read through the whole book, but the parts she had read just described some magical creatures that lived in their lands, warning travelers of the dangers of these beasts. There had even been a section on the Yaoguai, and she was disappointed when it had only stated that the beast mysteriously disappeared a few years before the Queen's curse. Some of her anger subsided and she managed a small, inward smile as she thought, because I saved him. Dumb book.

That dumb book had caused her too much pain. She still didn't understand why Rumple had gotten so upset about it, so she tried to think about exactly what he had said. Do you know what this is? and This book is dangerous! Dangerous? What was he talking about? Belle suddenly found herself wishing she had finished reading the entire book, because she wasn't really sure what all was in it.

What could have been dangerous about it? It was just a book! Frustrated with herself, Belle couldn't help but hear Rumple's mocking voice in her head, It certainly isn't just a book. The way he had said that made her angry, as if he thought she was too dumb to understand the significance of it.

Despite her best efforts to stay calm, Belle had made herself angry again, and she sat there staring out into the water, wishing she had never found that dumb book on the shelf in the library.

Back in the forest, Rumple sat down on the ground and began to chastise himself for his total lack of control. He was married now, and he needed to remember that. He too often lost control of his emotions, said things without thinking, and he always regretted it. When he'd finally found Belle and the curse had broken, it had been hardly a day before he'd said something stupid and lost her again. He hadn't really expected her to come back, but she had.

She always came back. She always forgave him, and to this day Rumple still didn't understand why. He didn't deserve it, really didn't deserve her.

In spite of himself, Rumple found himself thinking of the deepest of his fears, one he hardly even admitted to himself. He was afraid, secretly, that one day he'd say something or do something that she couldn't forgive. He was afraid she'd leave him. Why wouldn't she? He was a difficult man to love. He'd always lost everyone he cared about, and eventually, he'd lose her, too.

No, he couldn't let himself think like that. He couldn't give into that despair, or he'd ruin the new marriage he had just created. Belle is different, he told himself. She's not Milah, she won't leave. He wanted so badly to believe that. He couldn't imagine what he would do if he lost Belle too. She was the only one who could see the good in him, and if he lost her, he'd lose the good in him as well. He couldn't let that happen.

Afraid of losing himself in despair, Rumple decided he'd get up and do something about it. He had always apologized to Belle, but in the past he had waited for her to come back to him. This time, he was going to go find her, to apologize, and show her that he really hadn't meant to hurt her, and make things right between them.

Getting up, Rumple took a deep breath and told himself he could do this. He was afraid of what she might say to him, what she might think of him when he found her, but he knew it was something he had to do. What was it that Belle had said to him so long ago? Do the brave thing, bravery will follow. She always was the smart one. Smiling through tears he tried not to shed, Rumple began walking toward the stream in the direction Belle had gone. It was time he made things right.

When Rumple heard the sound of the stream getting louder, he looked down and saw that the soft leaves under his feet had given way to mossy stones. He paused and took another deep breath, steeling himself against whatever might come. Emerging from the forest, he looked around, but he didn't see Belle.

Where had she gone? She should have been down here. As he looked, he saw the sun glimmer off of something lying next to a large stone to his left, and he cautiously approached. When he got closer to the object, he gasped and grabbed it quickly.

It was Belle's canteen. She'd been here, so where was she? And if she had gone somewhere, why leave her canteen here?

Rumple tried to tell himself not to worry, that she had probably just walked somewhere. But he couldn't suppress a feeling of dread, and he shivered.

Shaking his head, he tried to think clearly. "Belle?" he said, getting no response. Louder, he yelled, "Belle?"

Still nothing. "Belle, I'm sorry," he called, thinking that if she were still angry she might not want to talk.

She probably heard you coming and hid, he thought bitterly. "Belle, come out here darling. I'm sorry I yelled at you, I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't thinking. Please come out here so we can talk. I really need to talk to you," he was pleading with her now, and he knew she wouldn't be able to ignore him for long.

When he still got no answer, Rumple began to worry. He had the feeling he was talking to empty space, felt that she wasn't there at all.

"Belle…" he said trailing off. He tried not to get upset, but he couldn't help but feel like this was all his fault. What if she had gone off into the woods by herself and gotten lost? All because he hadn't taken a moment to think before he got angry?

He had made such a mess of this situation, and all he wanted to do was apologize. He wanted to hug her and tell her he was sorry, that he hadn't meant to be so harsh. He wanted to hear her say she forgave him, and tell him in her most motherly voice that he ought to think before he spoke. He just wanted her back.

But she was gone.