Present day. Miami:
Looking down at his rumpled shirt and suit he realised that he was wearing the same clothes he came to work in the day before. He had half expected Ryan to point this glaring error out but if the young man noticed he said nothing.
With a quick glance at his watch he decided that he should have enough time to use the shower facilities in the department changing room. He made his way there hastily, hoping that he wouldn't bump into anyone on the way there who would question why he was still wearing yesterday's clothes.
Turning the combination on his locker he opened it and smiled when he saw the freshly laundered suit that hung inside.
Calleigh, he thought with a smile, his countenance only darkening when he replayed their last conversation over in his mind.
He had proved her assessment of him correct when he stormed out of her kitchen this morning; he had acted like a child after being told something that he didn't want to hear. He castigated himself for his selfish behaviour and vowed to clear the air with her later in the day.
Although her stinging words had cut into him like a knife, he could not deny the fact that they were true. He was running away, trying to distance himself from his ordeal and the past that had come back to haunt him so terribly. Blocking out the pain and trauma was simply not working anymore and he was unlikely to outrun his demons any time soon.
Once more Alexx had reached out to him when he felt that he had all but given up, her staunch belief that he would recover was one of the main things that had kept him going through those dark days. Each time his confidence was knocked she would refuse to let him give into his self-pity and misery.
Alexx never was one to suffer fools gladly, he thought to himself with a wry smile.
He never had been able to pull the wool over her eyes and she had never been intimidated by his powerful glare. In all the years he had known her he had never been able to fool her about anything. He smiled to himself as he realised that Alexx had the enviable ability to see through him as if he were transparent and he wondered what he had done to deserve such a loyal and steadfast friend.
Halfway through the process of getting dressed after showering, he was taken by surprise when Natalia bustled into the room, her long dark hair flowing and framing her beautiful face.
She was unable to hide the gasp of shock as her gaze centred solely on his scarred chest before quickly averting her eyes and attempting to apologise.
"I'm so sorry, Horatio, I should have knocked," she said as a small amount of colour returned to her face.
"It's fine," he told her as he attempted to do up the buttons on his shirt before hastily tucking them into his pants and making a grab for the suit jacket in his locker.
"I'm sorry that you had to see that," he added quietly as he made his way toward the door, hoping that Natalia wouldn't look at him with those pitying eyes again.
"I'm so sorry, Horatio. I'm so sorry for what they did to you."
He turned his head to look over his shoulder and gave her a sad smile.
"These things happen, Natalia. It's best just to accept them and move on."
Fraud! his subconscious shouted at him as he left the room and made his way down the corridor.
How on earth could he think that he had the right to tell Natalia that it was best to move on when he couldn't even do it himself?
He could feel the walls close in around him as he heard the voices of his friends and colleagues, begging with him to open up and talk to them about what he had been through. He had wanted to, but the simple truth was that he simply couldn't do it; he couldn't bear to place any more emotional burden on them than he already had.
He had held Calleigh in his arms these past few months and was fully aware that she was not spared from demons haunting her dreams either and he told himself that the last thing she needed was more horror stories to keep her awake at night.
A part of him also feared that they would think less of him as a man for admitting what his abductors did to him. He didn't want to look into the faces of the people he cared about or worked with and find them looking at him with concern or pity. Image was everything when you were trusted with leading a team; they needed to have a belief and faith in him that he was strong and invincible, not some pale imitation of a man treading water.
The incident with Calleigh last night had proved how badly he was coping; it had reached the stage where it was affecting his ability to function sexually, something that he had never had a problem with at any point in his life before. He had always prided himself on being a masculine and virile man and to fail so badly on both counts had shaken him on a much deeper level than he had originally thought.
Maybe they were all right, he just didn't want to admit it to himself or them, he wanted to hold onto the one small piece of dignity that he had left.
Without even realising it, he had found his way to the Trace lab where Eric was already waiting for him.
"Hey, H. Good evening yesterday?"
A scowl crossed his features at the innocent question before he schooled them into a fake smile.
"No more interesting than usual," he lied as he avoided the younger man's gaze.
"How about you, brother?"
He raised an eyebrow at the smile Eric gave him, throwing him a questioning look.
"Funny you should ask that, I had the most interesting evening with your old partner last night."
Flashback. Yesterday evening:
"Here we are," Eric grinned as he pulled the car up outside the most expensive and exclusive steak restaurant in Miami.
"Jeez, how much do they pay you CSI-types down here?" Andy muttered as he took in the opulent décor as they made their way inside and were shown to a table.
"I can't afford this place on my salary, believe me," the younger man replied amiably.
"Seems like the least I can do for you, after everything you've done to help Horatio."
Andy suddenly felt uncomfortable with the praise that was being foisted upon him. All he had really done was let John down, deserted him when he needed him the most and then dragged his name through the mud in the years following.
Ever since he had discovered the truth about his former partner's past he had done everything he could to try to repair some of the damage he had caused to their fractured relationship. He knew he still had a long way to go before he could ever say that he had atoned for his past transgressions but making a new life for himself here in Miami where he could keep an eye on the man he considered a surrogate son was a good enough place to start.
After ordering their drinks the two men settled into a comfortable conversation about their day.
"How's John coped with his first day back?" Andy asked as he took a sip of his club soda.
Eric pursed his lips as he considered his response.
"He certainly hasn't lost the knack of being a damn good investigator that's for sure."
Years of being a cop had taught Andy to know when someone was holding back on him.
"But?"
The younger man took a deep breath before replying, hoping that he wasn't betraying his brother in law's confidence.
"He's saying all the right words and doing all the right things but it just seems as if something is missing him."
"How do you mean?"
"I don't know, it just seems as if his drive and passion for the job have gone. I'm worried that it'll never come back."
Andy could see the concern for the redhead in Eric's eyes as they met with his own.
"John's a tough bastard. I know he'll pull through this if we stick with him."
His well-meaning words seemed to have little effect on the younger man.
"Give him time, Eric. He needs to get his head around all of this, he's a smart guy, he'll work it out."
Eric returned his small smile with one of his own even though it didn't reach his eyes.
"Andy?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah, kid?"
"Tell me something about when you worked with Horatio in New York. I'd like to know what he was like back then."
Flashback. New York 1989:
Andy held his pounding head tenderly as he rested it against the cool wooden surface of his desk. The squad room of the 15th precinct was unusually busy for a mid-week morning with detectives and uniformed officers hustling and bustling their way through the cramped space.
It also didn't help that it was an unseasonably warm spring day in Manhattan, the noise, heat and the smells created by a roomful of people did nothing for his already queasy stomach as he willed the nausea back down into the pit of his roiling stomach.
Last night had passed in much of a blur as he once again found himself waking fully clothed on his bed with an empty bottle of vodka beside him. Alcohol had become his most faithful friend through the last few years as his marriage fell apart and his teenage son grew to hate him for the drunken waste of space that he was.
He was simply getting far too old to carry on like this and to see his youthful and vibrant new partner bound around the squad room like a puppy let of its leash did nothing to lessen the irritation that was building inside him.
He had disliked the brash and slightly cocky John Kelly the first time he'd met him, deciding that the fresh-out-of-uniform young upstart had a lot to learn about being a detective. It gnawed at him then to discover that his new partner was eager and willing to learn from his more seasoned colleague, and that he had a natural affinity for the job.
It shouldn't have come as a surprise to Andy, John Kelly was a typical second generation cop, and the legacy of his father had become somewhat legend around the NYPD. The hair colour might have been different but in every other way he was most definitely his father's son.
"Andy, the ADA is here to talk to us about the Harper robbery. Do you wanna take it?" his bouncy young partner asked him as he sat across the desk from him, smoothing his tie down as he sat and looking at him expectantly.
"I've got a bit of a headache, kid," he winced as he placed a hand on his forehead.
"Too much to drink again last night?"
His partner looked at him innocently but he couldn't hold back on the anger that built within him, matching the throbbing in his sore head.
"Do one, John, before I smack that stupid look off your face."
The younger man looked momentarily taken aback before brushing the comment off casually, gradually becoming immune to his new partner not exactly being a morning person.
"I'll go talk to her then," he smiled at Andy, knowing that it would goad him.
Loosening the tie slightly around his neck, he made his way over to the smartly dressed young woman who was standing by the gate, waiting patiently to be let in. One look at her and he could instantly see that she was cute, with her shoulder-length brown hair and dazzling green eyes. The detective in him made him glance down to her left hand and he was relieved to see that she was not wearing a wedding ring.
Pushing through the thigh-high gate he held a hand out to her and gave her one of what he hoped was his most winning smiles.
"Hi, I'm Detective Kelly."
She glanced at his hand before taking it in her own and shaking it.
"ADA Laura Michaels, pleased to meet you."