He had spent most of the morning busying himself in the lab, working on processing evidence for the Simpson murder case. Eric had tried to convince him to join him running down leads in the community but he had politely declined. The field was the worst place he could be right now, perhaps it was cowardly to keep telling himself that, but it seemed easier than having to face another standoff with an armed suspect.
He doubted his ability to function as a police officer anymore, although he was an experienced crime scene investigator it was being on the frontline that meant the most to him. He felt ashamed that he was hiding away in the lab whilst his team were out there risking their lives, how could he lead the team if he didn't even have the balls or ability to be in the field himself?
As far as he was aware, only Ryan, Eric and Calleigh knew of his ill-timed meltdown at the warehouse yesterday and it seemed as if word had not spread to the others yet. It wouldn't take them long though, they were his team, he'd chosen them because they were the best and most skilled at what they did. It wouldn't take long for them to piece the evidence together and realise that he was no longer fit for active duty.
It had been extremely awkward and uncomfortable when he had run into Ryan in the locker room at the start of the shift, neither man willing to look the other in the eye. He had so desperately wanted to reassure the younger man that yesterday was nothing more than a one-off yet he knew to tell Ryan so would be a lie. He honestly had no idea if the incident yesterday was a mental kick up the backside that he'd needed to seek proper help or if it was evidence of the fact that he really had lost his nerve.
After lunch he found himself sat in the office, the room that he had inhabited for over a decade as head of the crime lab. Never once in all of those years did he ever think that he would one day be questioning his ability to do his job. Calleigh had kindly given him space to work on the reports that included his findings on the Simpson case, looking up each time he heard hustle and bustle down the corridor.
He had seen Ryan and Eric bring Jesus Fernandez back in for questioning as he took a break in the park across from the crime lab building, his brother in law had asked him along for the ride but he declined, making the excuse that he had reports to complete. Jesus' alibi had obviously not checked out, hence the need for the more formal conversation with him.
He ached to be the one leading their suspect into an interview room, grilling him for hours on end until he cracked and provided them either with a confession or a vital lead that would help them break the case. Instead he stood back, across the street, watching his team do the job he had once found so easy to do himself.
He was disturbed from his melancholy mood by a knock at the door and was surprised to find Andy standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing here?" Horatio asked sourly as he placed his pen down on the desk.
"Nice to see you too, kid."
"Sorry, Andy. Didn't expect to see you here that's all. Was there something I can do for you?"
"I was in the area, thought I'd stop by to say hello," the older man replied vaguely.
Suspicions firmly aroused, Horatio knew that his visitor must have an ulterior motive for gracing him with his presence.
He narrowed his eyes at him.
"You always were a poor liar. Tell me why you're really here, have you been speaking to Calleigh again?" he said accusingly as he pinned Andy with a fierce glare.
"Yeah, seeing as we're BFFs and all," the grumpy older man retorted.
"I just came to see my old partner, there's no crime in that is there?"
Horatio looked at him dubiously.
"I don't need constant supervision, Andy. It's bad enough having Calleigh treat me like I'm going to break at any second without you doing it too."
"I'm your friend, John. I'm worried about you."
"Well you don't need you to worry about me; I survived long enough without you caring if I was alive or dead. I think I'll survive just fine now," he snapped.
Andy couldn't hide the hurt or the shock from his face as John's words cut into him deeply.
"Why are you being like this?" the tubby man asked, at a loss as to why his former partner was treating him so coldly.
"Haven't you got some deadbeat father or a cheating husband to track down?"
Andy snorted derisively as he folded his arms over his portly stomach.
"Now I get it. You're pissed that I told Eric about my plans before I told you, aren't you?"
Horatio waved a hand dismissively.
"I couldn't care less what you do, just stop hanging around here. You're not a cop anymore, you don't belong here so just get lost."
Despite his advancing years, Andy moved much quicker than the younger man was expecting as Horatio found himself yanked out of his chair and thrown into the nearest wall.
"What the hell is wrong with you, John? Why are you acting like such a prick? I should beat that smart mouth out of you," he growled as he fisted his hands tighter into Horatio's shirt, shocked to see the look on his face.
"Do it," the redhead said as he stared at Andy.
"Do what?"
"Hit me," he goaded.
"What?!"
"Hit me, Andy. Just do it…..please," Horatio begged as his breath came in gasps, his reddening face a testament to his emotional distress.
Andy broke contact with the other man as if he had been burnt, taking a few steps back as he tried to comprehend what he had just heard.
"Come on, hit me," Horatio repeated, the desperation beginning to seep into his voice. "Hit me!"
He stood and watched, dumbfounded as to his friend's bizarre actions, still not understanding why he was behaving in such a way.
"I don't get it, why do you want me to hit you?"
The younger man's blue eyes met his own and they conveyed the sadness and self-loathing that was eating his former partner alive.
"It's what I deserve…..I hurt people, innocent people…I have to be punished for what I did."
"You think that you need absolution….to be forgiven for what you did?"
Horatio nodded his head sadly.
"I have to atone for my sins," the man's voice sounded flat, dead even.
"Not like this, kid. Never like this," Andy responded as he made his way closer to Horatio, "Why can't you see what a good man you are?"
Flashback. New York 1991:
They both reached their release together; he laid on top of her supporting most of his weight on his elbows as they tried to regulate their breathing patterns into a more normal rhythm.
There were no words to describe how he felt about the woman in his arms, in his bed. There had been an instant connection from the moment their eyes met in the squad room, there was something about her that pulled him closer and he found himself helpless against her charms. He was in love, head over heels in love.
He rolled off of her and onto his back as he felt the cramp build in his arms, he closed his eyes with a satisfied grin on his face, his smile widening as he felt her fingertips dance their way across his bare chest.
"I've been a naughty girl, Detective Kelly," she purred languidly in his ear, her hot breath causing a stirring in his loins.
He twisted his neck to look at her.
"Have you now?"
She nodded her head like a naughty child being caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"I think you should arrest me, I need to be punished."
Within an instant he was back on top of her as she let out a small squeak of surprise.
"What are you doing, Officer?" she asked innocently, knowing full well what he was up to.
He pinned her upper arms lightly to the bed.
"My suspect is resisting arrest, I'm restraining her," he smiled wolfishly at her.
He could feel her hands trying to escape; he tightened his grip on her arms ever so slightly.
"Uh uh," he chided, "That's assaulting a police officer. Do you know what the punishment for that is?"
She shook her head and looked at him through eyes clouded with passion.
"Are you concealing a weapon of any kind?" he asked as he let go of her arms and allowed his hands to roam her body.
"No, Officer, I'm not."
He kissed her softly on the stomach as he lifted his gaze to hers.
"I'm afraid I don't believe you. I'm going to have to carry out a full body search."
She didn't have time to reply as his head and hands moved further south. Whatever she was going to say had flown from her mind the minute her lover had touched her aroused and naked flesh.
After apprehending his suspect, he held her close as they both drifted off to sleep. He was amazed that he had found a woman as perfect as Lori, they had a fiery relationship, neither the type to back down from a confrontation, yet it made the passion in their relationship so much more addictive.
He had never felt this way about a woman before; she seemed to understand him and connected with him on an emotional as well as a physical level. He was drawn to her inexplicably, she was smart, sassy and independent and he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
He wanted to stay like this forever, holding the woman he loved and praying that the passion they held for one another would never dim. He imagined her having his children, having the house they'd always wanted, with a white picket fence and sitting his grandchildren on his knee as he told them fanciful stories about his time as a cop.
He thought he imagined it at first, the slow dripping sensation of water on his face. He wiped the liquid away with his hand and adjusted his position until the cold water hit his face in a deluge.
"Wake up, kid," Andy growled as he shook his slumbering partner's shoulder.
"Stop it, Lori," the younger man mumbled as wiped the drops of water from his face.
Figuring that the slow approach wasn't working, Andy picked up the tall glass of water and tipped it over John's face, watching as the other man came awake with a start.
"What the hell?"
"Finally, I thought you were never gonna wake up," Andy groused as he placed the glass back down on his coffee table.
Sensation returned upon waking as the events of the night before came crashing down on him. The younger man held his head in both hands as he screwed his eyes shut.
"Oh God, my head," he whimpered.
"Yeah, I'm not surprised. You drank your own body weight in booze last night, kid."
Andy handed him two tablets and passed him a fresh glass of water.
"Just let me sleep it off, Andy,"
He smirked at the pitiful tone of John's voice. They'd had a hell of a night, he couldn't remember a time when he'd ever seen his partner that drunk. The man literally could not stand by the time they had called it a night at 3 a.m.
"No can do, John. Have you forgotten what today is?"
The younger man looked at him blankly, his pounding head consuming his every waking thought.
"You've gotta get up and dressed, you're getting married in a couple of hours."