They had somehow found their way into the living room as both of them sat either end of the leather couch, not looking at each other.
Things had seemed so simple no less than twenty-four hours ago, he had finally given in to the years of longing and had shown Calleigh the true depths of his feelings for her, and now here they were, sitting together yet poles apart.
He'd been furious when she'd admitted that she had lied to Sargent Craig, at the time he told her that it was because he felt betrayed, the simple truth of the matter was that he was angry. Angry and disappointed that she had risked everything for him, risked the lab and its reputation as well as her own. It was his job to protect her, to take the risks so that she didn't have to. It hurt his ego and sense of pride that this time she had been the one to go out on a limb to protect him instead.
He'd wanted to punish her, to make her as feel as bad as he did about the whole situation. And so he had been cold and distant towards her, ignoring her repeated attempts to make peace with him. He felt like such a hypocrite, after everything he had put her through recently, how could he even think of taking the moral high ground after treating her so badly?
He certainly hadn't expected Lori to turn up at his house, he had no idea she was even in the state let alone his local neighbourhood. How had she tracked him down and why?
Had she come for her pound of flesh too?
Her reaction to him had been hostile but not unexpected, he'd been vindictive and cruel the last time they had spoken. He'd brushed off her concern and told her to go back to her doctor boyfriend, he had told her that he no longer needed or wanted her in his life. Of course he had needed her, a part of him still loved her deeply and yearned for the day that she would realise what a mistake it had been calling time on their marriage. He pushed her away so that she would not have to see the monster he'd become, disappointed in the man she thought she once knew.
Years of bitterness and suffering had built a wall between them; Lori had moved on with her life, she had settled down with her husband and children, creating the family that he had so desperately wanted for himself with her. The wall grew between them as the years passed, Lori resigned to the fact that her ex-husband was dead and that he'd been no more than a petty crook, he had moved on and built a new life for himself in Miami, fooling himself into believing that he could outrun his past.
There had been times during his convalescence that he'd considered contacting Lori, to reach out and give her his reasons as to why he'd done those things. His road to recovery had been gruelling and had often sapped the little strength that he had. Tomorrow…..next week….next month, he would tell himself until thoughts of his first real love made their way to the back of his mind once more.
Perhaps it was his cowardice rearing its ugly head once more; he didn't want to be confronted by the mistakes that he'd made. It was better to let sleeping dogs lie, kicking up the past would only bring more suffering and pain on the people he cared about. The choice had been made for him this time, Lori had taken the initiative and travelled halfway across the county to confront him and he'd had no choice but to face the full force of her wrath.
Their tempestuous relationship had served to teach him that his former wife could be a formidable opponent when she was angry and her reaction to seeing him for the first time in nearly twenty years had shown him that her fiery temper had not cooled any with age.
After her ire had dissipated, she began to soften her stance towards him, reaching out tenderly to the marks that he still bore as she touched them gently. He sensed her pity as she took in his broken and beaten body, but more than that he felt the loving touch of a woman that he'd cared about so deeply. He needed to feel the sensation of her hands on his flesh, it took him back to a place that seemed a lifetime ago, a time when things seemed simpler…easier.
She had experienced so many emotions today, it had left her angry and confused, made all the worse by knowing what a fantastic evening they'd had the day before. It finally seemed as if Horatio was getting his life back on track, he'd made significant steps forwards in opening up to her and they had shared such a tender and intimate moment in the bedroom. Things were starting to look up, that was until she'd blindsided him by taking the initiative and doing whatever it took to save his career.
Couldn't he see the reasons why she had done it?
She'd risked everything for him and all because she loved him. The way he had reacted had startled her, she'd never before seen him look so angry or disappointed in her. It was only when the shock lessened that she realised how it must have looked to him. Horatio was a man of pride and principles and she'd thrown everything that he believed in away without giving it a second thought.
He'd stormed out on her like a petulant child, something that she'd become accustomed to recently. No matter the situation, his first impulse was to take himself away and retreat in on himself, licking his wounds in private, keeping away from the prying eyes of the world. Sometimes his ego and pride could be so damaging that he would refuse to let anyone see just how much he was hurting and how vulnerable he truly was.
She had sensed that he'd come to apologise and sort out their differences judging by the look on his face when he knocked on the office door. Whatever he'd been about to say had gone out of the window as he'd found himself beaten at his own game once more. It was bad enough that she'd lied to protect him; he didn't need a babysitter to help him with his IAB interview.
In hindsight, it was probably the wrong thing to do, she knew that he would think that she didn't trust him or that he was incapable of taking care of himself. He'd spent too long being vulnerable and weak and her actions, however well-intentioned, had brought those dark feelings back to the fore with some ferocity.
Perhaps with time he would see that she was less concerned with his pride and more interested in saving what was left of his career. Would he ever see what an impossible position she had been placed in, stuck between a rock and a hard place?
She was damned either way, it didn't matter the choice that she'd made the end result would be the same, heartache and pain.
It had stung, the frigid way that he spoke to her in the office, the tone that he usually reserved for people he had a great dislike for. Gone was the warm and gentle man she loved, he'd been replaced with a cold and unfeeling one as he warned her that their issues were still unresolved. He'd spoken to her in that threatening tone that things were not over between them and the menace in his voice promised that there would be a great deal of fallout to come from her actions.
Her hurt had been the main cause for her to go after him. She'd sat at home alone for hours, concerned that he had not returned to her. Curiosity got the better of her even though the voice in her head warned her to leave him alone and to give him his space.
She'd arrived at his house to see two cars parked in the driveway and immediately her senses heightened to any impending danger. It was common knowledge that Horatio had been badly injured by his captors and the worrying thought crossed her mind that another criminal organisation would see it as their opportunity to get rid of the pesky Lieutenant once and for all.
They were far enough along in their relationship that she no longer felt the need to knock before entering. Pulling out the key that he'd given her, she found it unnecessary as the handle turned easily and allowed her access to his hallway.
There was very little in the way of noise when she entered the house, only the sounds of someone breathing deeply, fear began to gnaw at her again, frowning as she walked into the kitchen.
It would have been kinder if her eyes were deceiving her, but it was not to be. She had walked in on him half-naked with another woman's arms around his waist. All she could see was the hurt and betrayal, unable to rationalise the scene before her. Who was she and why had he done it, to get back at her?
That, and a hundred more questions, whizzed through her mind as she turned away and ran back towards her car, not giving Horatio the chance of explaining himself. Her subconscious screamed at her on the way home that he had cheated on her, that there was no rational explanation for what he'd done. Having an alcoholic father and a string of failed relationships behind her had hardly given her the best frame of reference when it came to the opposite sex.
Her first thought had been that he'd cheated on her and done it to spite her; it was a thought that her subconscious had taken and run with, blocking out any attempts for her mind to consider otherwise. Her brain had refused to believe that there was any justification for what her eyes had just seen.
When he returned to her home she had given him a piece of her mind, hurling abuse at him as he tried to placate her and make her see reason. Sometimes she hated the fact that she had inherited her mother's strong sense of self, it allowed her temper to get the better of her at times and she had hit out at him, inflicting deep and damaging emotional wounds on him.
They were both strong and intensely stubborn people, maybe it was what made them work so well together, but there were times when it could cause both of them to act in a less than adult manner, it would cause them to lash out and punish the person closest to them. They both possessed the power to hurt the other deeply, to the point that neither of them really understood the affect they had on the other.
Flashback. Miami, 3 weeks ago:
He'd been silent since she'd picked him up from the waiting area at the hospital after another gruelling session of physiotherapy.
"How'd it go?" she asked brightly as she walked to the exit with him.
"The usual," he replied succinctly, tired and aching after another hour of a perky young blonde pushing and pulling at his weary limbs.
"You fancy going out to lunch?" She was grasping at straws, trying anything she could think of to pull him out of his latest funk.
Since Kyle had returned to his unit, Horatio had become surlier than usual, she'd hoped the visit to Alexx to remove the cast from his arm would have lifted his spirits a little, now he had started on a course of physical therapy it appeared to have underlined just how weak and frail he really was.
His blustering to Alexx that he was fine and that he had no need for therapy was nothing more than a ruse as he had been confronted with his own shortcomings again and it had left him in a permanently foul mood.
His mood infected all of those who he'd come into contact with, Andy had lost his temper with the infuriatingly obstinate redhead on more than one occasion in the last week, shouting at Horatio to pull his head out from his backside and concentrate on getting back on his feet.
All of their words fell on deaf ears; Horatio had convinced himself that he was old and infirm and that nothing would change his thinking on it. He refused to listen to anything they had said to lift his spirits as time and again he lost his temper and tried to push them away.
"I'm not really hungry, Calleigh," he replied quietly as he slipped his sunglasses back on when they stepped outside into the vivid Miami sunshine, wincing as his pupils dilated and then shrank in an effort to tolerate the brightness.
"Fine, we'll go home then," her sullen tone seemed to have little effect on him as he got in the passenger side of the vehicle and patiently waited for her to join him.
The trip was silent and uncomfortable, turning off the engine she turned to look at him. "I've had about as much of this as I can take."
He turned his head to look at her as he began to formulate another churlish remark in his head. "I'm sorry," he said after a pause.
"I don't want you to be sorry; I want you to be Horatio!" There, she'd said it as her anger got the better of her, again.
"I'm trying….." he began as he beseeched her.
"Well try harder!"
Her sudden outburst stunned both of them as they sat staring at each other. She reached out a trembling hand to him some moments later as she cupped his face and brought it nearer to hers. She could hear his breathing increase as her lips reached out to his and made contact, kissing him tenderly.
He felt wonderful; the soft feeling of his lips on hers sent shudders down her spine. Encouraged by the fact that he had not pulled away she deepened the kiss as her tongue begged for entry to his mouth as his lips parted slightly. His hands found their way to her hips as he tried to pull her closer, revelling in the feeling of their mouths meeting for the first time.
He'd often imagined what it would feel like to kiss her, to feel her body writhe under his touch. This was better than he'd ever imagined as her tongue began duelling with his, her hands made their way from his face and ran through his hair, he felt the stirring deep inside, the years that he had stood back at a distance and watched her from afar, longing to be the man who would take her in his arms and make her happy, the man who would treat her like the precious jewel that she was.
Her slender fingers found the scar on the back of his head; one touch was all it took for reality to come crashing back down around him. Suddenly, he was confronted by the memories and images of his abuse at the hands of his torturers, his mind confusing her touch with theirs. The complex emotions threatened to overwhelm him as he broke away suddenly, his right hand grasping blindly for the door handle as he tried to escape.
"I'm sorry," he said in a panicked whisper, "I can't do this."
There was no time to react, before she'd even opened her door he had gone, making his way to the house as quickly as he could and hiding himself away, his stock response when things began to get too much.
Present day. Miami:
How could two people who had shared so much suddenly seem like strangers?
He knew he would have to make the first move; this whole sorry situation was his doing after all. "I'm sorry, Calleigh," he said quietly as he leant forward his elbows resting on his knees.
Typical Horatio, always being the bigger man…the better person.
"No, it's my fault. I should never have kept those things from you, I know I hurt you."
He craned his neck to regard her, giving her a brief smile as their eyes met. "I hardly think that I'm in a position to be keeping score about secrets am I?"
It was clear by the tone of his voice that his words were meant to be playful, giving her a clear indication that his anger towards her was waning.
"I did it because I care about you, Horatio…I love you."
He scooted towards her, lifting his arm and placing it around her shoulders as he pulled her towards him, resting his chin on her head. "I know, Sweetheart. I just hate the thought of you risking everything for me. I should be protecting you, not the other way round."
She pulled away and sat up straighter, really looking at him for the first time that day. "Why do you always feel like you're not worth fighting for?"
He took a deep breath. "I guess it's just years of practice….you get stuck in your ways as you get older. I'm not used to having anyone look out for me…..I guess I'm having a hard time breaking the habit."
"I won't ever let you give up, you know that?"
It warmed his heart to hear the sincerity in her voice. "I do, Sweetheart….I do."
He felt the overwhelming urge to explain the unfortunate incident with Lori earlier. "What you saw…..it's not what it looked like. I would never do anything to hurt you….please believe me."
It was impossible not to hear the slight cracking in his voice when he spoke, here was a man who was so used to being emotionally distant with those around him, and now he was baring his soul to her, allowing her to see the frightened and emotionally vulnerable man underneath. It wasn't something that he did lightly, he didn't give himself up easily to others in that way, a priceless gift had been bestowed upon her and she was conscious of the need not to throw it away over some tiny misunderstanding.
"I know…the things I said to you afterwards…..I didn't mean any of them."
He leant over and pressed a loving kiss on her temple. "I know...you were hurt and angry. I understand."
But how could he?
How could he be so understanding of her faults and weaknesses yet not his own?
He had the heart and compassion to forgive anyone their trespasses against him yet set himself a bar so high that it was unachievable. He simply would not or could not find it within to forgive himself for what he considered his own mistakes. What had driven him to have such a skewed view of himself?
"We have a meeting with the Chief tomorrow," she said quietly as he placed his arm around her once more, feeling the reassuring presence of his strong grip. "What are we going to tell him?"
"How do you mean?"
"What are we? I mean are we a couple…..is this something we both want?"
He lifted her chin with his free hand as he turned her head gently to look at her, those penetrating blue eyes of his boring into her very soul as he regarded her. "Is this what you want?"