A/N:
1) This is set during the scene in Tony's basement when he is researching Vanko.
(the rest of the notes are below in case most people do not want to read em.)
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Loki finds himself grateful when Tony switches off the news-reports that are predictably crying out for blood – Tony's blood, and he settles down on the back of the Hot-Rod, head leaning on Tony's shoulder as he sits inside it to view the results of Jarvis's search on Ivan Vanko – the man who had tried to kill him on that racetrack.
At some level, he understands Tony's need to know, to understand why this man wanted him dead so badly, and what threats his knowledge may have left behind….. but he feels numb inside – unable to care. He supposes he should feel relief that Vanko is dead, even satisfaction….. but all he can feel is the sorrow that eats away at a heart that Tony made him realize he had, and he can only reflect bitterly that even if Vanko were alive, even if in the future with his powers restored he killed him, along with a particular senator Stern…. in the end he would have accomplished nothing that mattered, because in their own way they have already killed Tony and he is powerless to change that.
Stern has made it his personal mission to feed the wildfire growing around Tony and his chosen isolation as a defender of this world, and now with this most recent turn of events, he actually has the power to make sure that Tony goes out of this life abandoned and resented. He has killed Tony's hope – and Vanko gave him the power to do so, as well as having physically killed Tony in a sense because in this moment, Tony is in a far worse state than before, and Loki does not need numbers to know that the palladium-poisoning exacerbated by the fight he forced Tony into that day has taken weeks off his lifespan.
He easily hears Tony's now-labored breaths, and a heartbeat that stutters, becoming a little weaker with each passing second….. and he knows that the arc-reactor is running out of fuel, but when JARVIS has finished with his summary on the revenge-bent Vanko, Tony makes no indication of planning to move, and Loki feels ice rush through his veins as he has no choice but to ask if Tony has gotten tired of it all, tired of a life slipping through his fingers, tired of the cold uncaring world…. Tired enough to let his arc-reactor run out of power allowing him to die.
He shudders at the thought, knowing it will be slow and horrifically painful – but in the end probably not any worse than fatal palladium poisoning…. and that realization scares him even more. He cannot bring himself to voice a protest, strangely, cannot ask Tony to choose one death over another…. and as he settles down, burying his face against Tony's neck, he wonders dimly if JARVIS is thinking the same thing..
When Rhodey arrives, telling Tony about all the problems he is already painfully aware of, he is the only one that sees Tony's resigned weary sigh, and in that moment, Loki wants to rip the other man's throat out just to shut him up, yet he feels a conflicting sense of bittersweet gratitude when Rhodey's presence is enough to remind Tony to live – more accurately it reminds Tony to put on the strong front he always does around other humans, and when he collapses as he tries to stand, and Rhodey helps him re-fuel the reactor that is keeping him alive in the moment and killing him at the same time, Loki realizes that it is entirely feasible to bitterly resent and truly appreciate someone at the same time.
When Rhodey notices the signs of the poisoning that have crept up Tony's neck, and Tony brushes them off as something minor, Loki can see clearly the frustration and hurt that Rhodey feels because Tony will not share his problems with the other man – because Tony is as much a loner emotionally as in his chosen mission – yet despite Rhodey's obvious skepticism when Tony insists that he has a good reason for his actions, Loki knows it is true: Tony is protecting the people he cares about, or at least trying to…. protecting them from having to share with him a burden that cannot be lifted.
The irony of the fact that it is costing Tony more than he can afford to lose is not lost on Loki.
Later, when Tony confirms with Pepper that he will be holding his birthday party – a party he had not even wanted – Loki finds himself realizing how much of what Tony does is what he is expected to do. Granted, he acts like he does not care what the world says, but by this action alone, he has proven that he falls back on a behavior pattern they expect as a form of armor – give them what they want to see and they will look no deeper to uncover the wounds beneath….so that perhaps in the back of your mind, there may be a tiny corner untouched where you can find a lonely peace.
Such is the price of Tony's status…. and for the first time Loki wonders if such is the price of royalty, even on Asgard. How much of his family's actions were because that was the expected behavior?
Loki has never been given to reflecting on his actions, or their consequences, in fact. He has enjoyed making trouble because he could do it, and he has fed on his plans for this realm out of the desire for revenge. Yet now he finds himself thinking of Stern and Vanko, the pain they have caused to someone dear to him….. and for the first time, he dimly realizes in a corner of his tired mind that he does not want to be like them.
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2) Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, Lexicon, KiwisS, ShiTiger, diane, Golden feathers Edward, Starkreactor, Lancaeriel Peredhil, and Mimi MC.
I'll reply via PM to those of you I can, and to those I cannot, I'll just say here, thank you all for all the encouragement!
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging
3) Diane and Lexicon, thanks a million for the very in-depth reviews, you are both giving food for thought on the charachters - Thanks :-). On that note, when you do see Iron Man 2, Diane, maybe you can tell me if I actually percieved things right...either way, thanks to both of you.
4) I'd love to say more but I'm running late, so...till next time!