A/N:
1) Takes place during Tony's birthday party.
2)Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, ObeyTheFluff, Jaivaramongolid, bery-cool, diane, and MavericFlame.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
3) This chapter is dedicated to all the people who have helped me reach this far: my truly inspiring reviewers, especially Diane (thank you again for the very in-depth review, and as usual for doing a better job than me voicing what I'm theoretically thinking)- and the authors whose works on similar topics have inspired me: thisisnotwhoyouthink and MaverikFlame (To you, I also send best wishes for your kitty)
I also thank anyone who I have forgotten to thank above - sorry, I'm a bit scattered right now.
4) Things are hellacious right now, but I'll post again ASAP, sorry for the wait.
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On the day that they are to celebrate Tony Stark's birth – a truly ironic fact considering that death is breathing down his throat, Loki awakens early, trying to convey his own gratitude for Tony's existence by jumping up on his lap, and pressing himself against Tony's chest, marking the mortal as his own. Yet he cannot stop the pain from welling up within him as he thinks: "You are mine, yet I cannot save you."… and no matter how hard he tries, his scent cannot hide the bitter scent of the palladium in Tony's blood…. he cannot lie to himself and forget this painful truth even for a moment.
They are supposed to be celebrating his life – yet one look into the mortal's dark eyes, and Loki knows that Tony has already died inside, and is just waiting for the inevitable agony of it being finalized.
When Tony asks his new PA – a woman who Loki does not trust, since he knows a quality deception when he sees one – what she would do if this was her last birthday party, her answer seems truthful enough – as if she has asked this question herself before, yet that simple set of words: "I would do whatever I wanted to do – with whoever I wanted to do it with." burns more than any answer could, because Loki knows only too well that this option had already been shot down. Tony had wanted to get away from all this, and spend the last days of his life with Pepper. That was impossible, and as Tony sighs silently and downs his drink, Loki knows that those are exactly the thoughts running through Tony's mind.
Vaguely Loki wonders if Natalie's advice meant more than the obvious, especially counting the speed with which she left after saying it…. maybe because she realized that Pepper was the person Tony needed, and whatever was coming between them needed to be fixed. Once it might have been helpful advice, but the fact is that Tony has finally run out of his last reserves of hope. He is shattered inside, and cannot find the strength to reach out again –not when he is inadvertently shot down each time.
When Tony finally gets up, and looks through his window at the swarms of incoming cars, Loki is struck by the irony that Tony is surrounded by multitudes, yet crumbling inside from loneliness…. that Tony is a man who has everything, yet in the end nothing at all…. except perhaps Iron Man – a choice that Tony made, and perhaps the one thing that in the end , to Tony, has made his life matter.
Loki feels ice run down his spine as Tony heads down to his shop and emerges in his armor, unable to stop thinking of the fact that using it is killing him, and unable to stop worrying about the potentially extremely bad combination that drinking and wearing something so powerful is. Yet even if he could, Loki knows he would not protest – because the fact is that no-one there is there for Tony. There for the eccentric genius billionaire? sure. There for Iron Man? sure. Tony does not want to be alone tonight – and if he has to choose who he wants to be – who he wants to go out as, Loki knows the answer is Iron Man.
Everything goes downhill from there…Pepper's disappointment is palpable when Tony collapses drunkenly against a wall, and Loki is the only one that knows that it is only a very small part the alcohol – and mostly a dizzy spell courtesy of the palladium that is poisoning him. Still Tony is drunk enough to admit to Pepper that he loves her, standing almost peacefully with eyes half closed as everyone else's presence is forgotten, as if her hand on his armored chest can fend off his impending death – and vulnerable enough following his admission that when she deflects it, trying to get the situation back under control: "You're unbelievable….", something inside him snap – and in desperation he lashes out.
Loki does not believe for a moment that the shattering of the fountain was accidental – not when Tony's aim is still perfect – without the assistance of his HUD…. More likely, in the wake of another rejection, her presence is just too much for him to handle…. and to prevent himself from breaking down in front of all these people, he is driving away the person he needs the most.
When Rhodey's expression goes from disappointment to fury, and he leaves, returning in Tony's Mark II armor, Loki almost sighs with relief when Tony tells his DJ to give him a fat beat, and laughs for the first time in ages….. but it is a brittle laugh, and Loki cannot shake the feeling that by the end of this night, things will be far worse.
Still, while Tony and Rhodey duke it out, doing a lot more damage to Tony's house than each other – not counting the palladium toxicity in Tony's case - Loki reflects even as he takes cover outside that ironically this is the most alive he has seen Tony in days, weeks perhaps – and even in this case the old standby of a sparring match to take one's mind of certain painful thoughts seems to hold true.
Any relief it may have been vanishes when Tony sees his guests standing outside taking pictures, and knows that by morning, they too will have turned against him. When after sending them away, an almost-forgotten Rhodey uses a sink to smash Tony into a furnace, Tony is for the first time that evening truly angry, and Loki does not need anyone's advice to tell him to dive for cover when the repulsors bolts meet, devastating what is left of Tony's house, and knocking the weakened Tony unconscious.
With the fight over, Loki returns, settling down cautiously among the pieces of broken glass by Tony's side, waiting for him to awaken – and looking up, he breathes a sigh of relief because Rhodey is still there, and at least Tony will not be alone.
When finally Tony stirs, Rhodey stops his pacing on the shattered balcony, and turns toward him, but it is only to silently regard him with what seems to be infinite disappointment even through the expressionless metal plate, and then look to the sky, blasting off into the night.
It is obvious that Rhodey has ended up being the one to carry out what he was warning Tony of just days before, taking his suit to the military…. something they all knew Tony did not want…. but this time Tony does not even try to say anything – or do anything. He is too exhausted and too broken to even try, and moments later, he lapses back into unconsciousness, leaving Loki alone with his thoughts on how he would like to kill Rhodey, slowly and painfully.
Loki knows that Tony has never trusted the military enough to hand over his tech, not wanting his greatest creation to be misused just like his weapons were, because this time he will not be there to set things right. He also knows that Tony taught Rhodey to use his armor – perhaps planning to leave one to him, trusting that in the end Rhodey would do the right thing with it. What Loki does not know is whether or not that has changed, but it hardly seems like a relevant question…. because whatever the situation, he is certain that this is not how it was supposed to happen, and right now it is one more betrayal Tony does not need.
For a while he stews on his anger, yet there is no satisfaction to be found from his macabre musings when he reminds himself that even now, Tony would not want Rhodey harmed – and he vaguely wonders when that started to matter so much to him.
Perhaps he should feel disappointed that he has become what he once would have called soft, perhaps he should feel angry. All he feels is broken, hollowed out, and cold.
Silently as always, he climbs onto Tony's armored lap. The metal is cold and unyielding, yet even as he fluffs his fur in an attempt to keep warm while an icy moist breeze sweeps through, Loki cannot tear himself away from Tony's side.
Tony is dying. His time is up – and with this last fight, he has a day, maybe two at the most. Though he can do nothing, though Loki knows it will destroy him to watch Tony's inevitable death, he feels bound to see this through to the bitter end.
Desperate, he reaches for his magic, finding nothing but the barest hint of it – and knows even as he wishes it would not true that it will not be enough. If he could, Loki would remove the shrapnel from Tony's chest, purge the palladium from his blood, and let him live his life to its fullest.
But there is nothing there of the innate magic he needs – and even if he draws enough to kill himself, it will not be enough to heal Tony.
Loki realizes that if he could save Tony, no-one would ever thank him for it…. because no-one else even knows that Tony is dying – and Tony will never look to his cat for an explanation of how he is miraculously well…. but though before he would have hated this, now it strangely does not bother him.
For the first time Loki realizes that he would do it – he would save Tony even at the cost of his own life – if he could, and though he would never be recognized for it, though he would be the unsung hero, for the first time it would be enough for him.
For the first time since finding the truth about his identity as a Jotun – a monster, Loki knows beyond any doubt that he actually can love….. and for the first time he has realizes that in searching for the acceptance and recognition he never had, he'd missed what mattered most all along – yet his heart breaks a little more at the realization that now – now that he knows what it means to love - he is powerless to save the fragile mortal who taught him so much.
… and for the first time as he makes one last futile attempt to call upon his still-drained magic, he finds that he does not even have any plans for when it returns – because if he cannot use it to save someone he has come to care for so deeply, what is the point of having it at all?
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