Getting to know you
"I want to know exactly what you four have been doing" demanded Splinter from his seat in the arm chair of the main room as his four sons knelt in front of him.
Silence answered him.
"Someone had better explain to me where these letters came from" the rat snapped, angrily pointing to a pile of letters on the coffee table.
It was Michelangelo who decided to start the explanation "Well you see it started..."
One week ago...
"Do you think Master Splinter ever gets lonely?" questioned the orange clad turtle as he stuffed more potato chips into his mouth.
"What do ya mean?" answered his red banded brother who was also sitting on the couch as a commercial break played out across the TV wall.
"Look at this commercial!" pointed out Michelangelo as a promotion for online dating continued to play out on the screens. The commercial was currently showing lonely people meeting the person of their dreams. "He needs some love in his life!" exclaimed the mutant as he finished the bag of chips.
"What do ya mean he needs love, he's got us what more does he need"
"He needs a woman in his life Raph! You know someone to cuddle with, who he can enjoy his soaps with, spend time with..."
"I get it!" interrupted Raph "but he's a mutant rat living in the sewers with four kids, doesn't exactly scream ladies man. Besides he's got Leo to watch his soaps with"
"What are you two talking about?" called Leo from where he was practicing his katas
"You listening in bro" accused Raph
"I heard my name" shrugged the blue clad turtle as he made his way over to the couch where his younger brothers were.
"Do you think Master Splinter gets lonely?" asked Michelangelo turning in his seat to look at his brother
Leonardo seemed to think carefully about it before answering. "Maybe. I mean he is the only mutant rat in the world..." Leo trailed off as his mind started to question if his Father was lonely and he hadn't noticed.
"That could be why he's always so serious and strict" added a new voice causing the turtles to jump as Donatello appeared seemingly from nowhere.
"How long have you been there and why didn't we notice ya" grumbled Raph to his genius brother
"Ninja" he answered simply before continuing "Humans and animals naturally seek companionship like Mikey described and Master Splinter has never had companionship like that before. He might not miss it but on some level he must crave it and that may be why he's always been so serious and not so much fun."
"Yeah but he's a mutant rat, no offence to Sensei but what girl would want him?" questioned Raph as it seemed his brothers were missing his point.
"We should set him up on a dating website!" exclaimed Michelangelo. His mind already whirring with how to set Splinter up.
"I don't think Sensei would go for that Mike" answered Leo
"We don't need to tell him, we can set up a profile and see if anyone is interested!" pushed the orange clad turtle.
"Well..." started Donnie
"You aren't seriously considering this are ya Donnie?" said an exasperated Raph
"Well not setting him up on an actual date, but maybe if we could get some interest in him they might send him letters and give him the emotional connection he is clearly lacking."
"How is he lacking an emotional connection?" asked Leo as his worry continued to grow. Had Splinter been missing something all these years.
"Think about it as a pet rat he will have had no connection with female rats and so was alone then. When we mutated he was the only adult and so spent the first few years only having babies as company, plus we are all male so after all this time he will have been lacking a woman's presence. This could have caused him to become emotionally crippled and blocked up hence why he's always so uptight and serious."
The other turtles could only look at Donnie in stunned silence as he finished his analysis of Master Splinter.
"It's settled then. We set him up on a dating website and arrange for some of these women to send him letters" announced the blue clad turtle now in full leader mode as they embarked on the mission to set their Father up.
Raphael however was not convinced "That's a load of rubbish, he's never seemed interested in romance before and he knows April! So there is a woman in his life.
"Why do you think he watches the soaps on tv, he's subconsciously compensating for what he doesn't have. April's presence is only taunting him with what he hasn't got as to the best of my knowledge she isn't romantically interested in him and spends a lot more time with us than him." concluded Don as the evidence of Splinter being lonely stacked up in the eyes of Leo and Mikey who were nodding and agreeing with everything their brainy brother said.
To them it all made perfect sense.
"If you don't want to help make Master Splinter happy then you can stay here" stated Mikey as he hopped off the couch and followed his other brothers into the lab.
With a reluctant sigh Raphael followed his brothers. It would be interesting if nothing else.
10 minutes later a quick internet search by Donatello had produced a good website that offered three moths free membership and the brothers were crammed around the screen as the screen prompted them to fill out Splinters details.
"Okay guys first question: Name" announced Donatello who was the nominated typing turtle.
"Duh it's Splinter obviously" answered Mikey to the obvious question.
"Splinter Hamato" added Leo
"Age" read Donnie
Silence followed as each turtle pondered this question. Splinter had chosen birthdays for each of the turtles when they were babies and as they got older they realized he didn't have one himself and so had chosen a birthday for him which the turtles celebrated every year but they no way of knowing his age.
"50" guessed Mikey
"45" ventured Raph
"You know technically he's only a couple of years older than us. He was an adult rat when he mutated so he was probably between two and three years old and been mutated for 16 years so he's probably only 19 years old really" Donatello explained to his strangely silent brothers.
"That is so creepy Donnie. He's not a teenager, he's our Dad therefore he's old" decided Mikey who looked rather disturbed by the conversation.
"Well let's go for middle aged then, it fits better anyway" started Leonardo who looked about as disturbed as Mikey.
"No put him as 22 ladies like a younger man" Raph interrupted.
"Ok fine he's 22, now let's move on" announced the purple banded turtle getting tired of his brothers bickering.
"Alright what's next" questioned Leo
"Eye colour"
"Brown" stated Raphael
"Favourite colour"
"Green" answered the leader without hesitation
"Body shape"
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Mikey leaning over Donnie's shoulder to get a better look at the screen.
"The options are athlete, average, a bit extra, big and cuddly"
"I'd go athlete" Leo said after a moment's consideration
"How many more questions are there on that stupid thing?" grumbled an impatient looking Raph
"A lot Raph. Remember we're trying to sell him on here guys so we may at times need to stretch the truth. Agreed?" asked Donnie spinning in his chair to look at his brothers
"Agreed" chorused the other three turtles as they turned their attention back to their task.
Present
"... so that's all we were trying to do Master Splinter" finished Michelangelo giving the rat his best puppy dog eyes.
"What exactly did you put on this fake profile of me that would result in me getting letters like this?" steamed Splinter.
When April had came down to the lair earlier today with a large stack of mail addressed to him, he had been shocked. Who on Earth would write to him and know to send it to April. When April had delivered the strange load the boys had been out for training in the sewers, so he had thanked her for delivering the post and had asked her not to mention anything to the turtles about it.
He was certain it had something to do with them and when he had read the contents of the letters he had no doubts about who was responsible. Some of the letters he had received were disturbing to say the least...
"Clearly you're a big hit with the ladies Sensei! So what were they saying to you?" inquired Michelangelo as his other sons also looked up at him curiously.
Despite himself, Splinter could feel embarrassment creeping up. The letters were detailing rather vivid fantasies these women were apparently having of him; one woman had even sent him her bra. Perhaps most disturbing was that these women were middle aged and several promised to make him their toy boy.
Clearing his throat Splinter decided offense was the best defence in this situation. "The letters were very personal and I will not tell you what was in them however it was all highly inappropriate. I understand your intentions in this were good but very misguided. I am not lonely and I'm not missing the presence of a woman in my life either. "
"But Donnie said you were lacking an emotional connection in your life?" questioned Leonardo who couldn't quite belief Splinter wasn't pleased with them.
"I'm certainly not my son, and I have no interest in pursuing romance either."
"Told you" whispered Raph angrily to the others.
"Donatello, you seem to have masterminded this endeavor and I wish for you to give me a copy of this profile so I may read it myself you will then delete it."
"All of you will spend the rest of this evening cleaning the lair until it is spotless and will have extra training all week. You are not to try and set me up again. Understood?" finished Splinter
"Yes Sensei" they chorused.
Slumping back in the chair as his sons left to start their chores Splinter couldn't help but feel he was being punished for the one evening last week when he had left them unsupervised while he went to inspect the sewers.
Clearly at 16 they still needed constant supervision or else they would try and pimp him out.
A/N – Sorry about the first upload guys formatting went wrong. Please review and let me know what you think. 2014 fan fiction awards are happening over at Stealthy Stories if you want to get involved