A/N:
1) Set during the scene in which Tony makes his new element.
2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, diane, StarkObsessed, and MaverikFlame. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
3) Again, thanks a million to Diane for the very very in-depth review and the encouragement. Thank you especially for sharing your ideas, and the truth is that the more we talk the more I find I respect your perspectives and wish I could get to know you better :-) ... no need to reply to this statement though (I know it's sorta stupid) - or conversely to be worried , I'm not some creepy cyber-stalker or something... eeek!
Thanks also for the recommendation, which I will follow just as soon as I can get my hands on the Smallville series or catch reruns on TV.
On the note of family issues, have you read the books in the "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" series? The movie was IMO a failure for many reasons, but especially in the fifth volume of the books we get a close look at the family issues that brought our main antagonist to where he is - and ultimately how he triumphs (in a sense) over a hopeless situation.
4) Finally, sorry for the delay, my work schedule has gotten less predictable lately with reduced manpower and some cow problems (not mine, my bosses) so here I am...
...
...
By the time Loki comes back inside – as a cat once more – Tony has already set up the model in his shop, and is having JARVIS scan it. He wonders vaguely if like Tony, JARVIS seems a little more alive, but finds himself looking away when a wave of emotional pain overwhelms him as Tony's words about re-discovering a new element sink in.
Light dances over Tony's fingers, responding to his touch as if it were itself tangible, but while Loki at some level marvels at the system Tony has created, it reminds him too much of his own missing magic, and the reminder of how utterly powerless he is to save the mortal is too painful to dwell on.
The fear that this will be all for nothing eats at him, gnawing within his chest till he feels completely hollowed out and broken, and he finds that he cannot look up and see the hope that Tony is putting into this when he is certain that this hope will burn to ashes by the end of the day.
He knows from reading over Tony's shoulder that the only new elements Midgardians have managed to create thus-far have done little more than 'decay' – a description that is oddly accurate – usually with deadly consequences to anyone unfortunate enough to be close…. and with this in mind, the only thing that fills him is an icy sense of dread for the moment when Tony will get to watch his last hope crash and burn…. and it hurts more than the ice of the casket seeping into his veins and revealing his true nature.
Out of the corner of eyes half-closed, Loki sees Tony sitting in the center of a bubble of light, looking around in all-consuming wonder and excitement… smiling… laughing, for what feels like the first time in an eternity of despair – and Loki finds he cannot look away from the smile he's wanted to see for so long.
The hollow ache within his chest transforms to a burning pain as he realizes that his watching Tony is perhaps in a way selfish: he still cannot find it in him to hope…. instead he watches now because this is how he wants to remember Tony – at home in his own element, in the realm of creation that is his and his alone… and despite the fact Tony is still slipping towards death with the passing of each moment, for the first time in weeks he seems truly alive.
It is not the first time the computer has had to deliver devastating news – and JARVIS cannot help but be truthful in his assessment that this element is impossible to create, but Tony has never accepted limitations before, and the tone of his two-syllable response says that much clearly.
Across the room, Tony's paradoxically clumsy yet oddly emotional robot DUM-E makes a little chirrup that even Loki who did not build the robot recognizes clearly as a gesture of confidence in the mortal, and as he watches Tony's answering unguarded smile, he finds that he cannot watch from the sidelines any longer.
Trotting up to Tony's side as the mortal retrieves a long-handled hammer of all things, Loki meows to announce his presence, and is rewarded by Tony dropping to his knees on the floor and pulling him gently onto his lap. It's hauntingly reminiscent of their goodbye hours earlier, but this time Tony is smiling with a sense of hope and all the excitement that creation brings him, and when the mortal says to him:
"I think I can do this, Loki." it takes an emotional strength Loki had not realized he possessed to purr encouragingly and bury within him the desperation he feels as he rubs his cheeks against Tony's palm, because though he cannot find the strength to believe this will work, Tony deserves his support.
When Tony smiles, Loki knows that he chose the right reaction, and vaguely wonders why the pride that fills him for successfully pulling off yet another deception in a long line of hundreds has rendered his pride for the rest cold and empty by comparison.
He feels useless as he watches Tony labor through the night, pushing a physical body already on the brink of death - even with many of the worst symptoms partially suppressed- harder than Loki is comfortable with, and though Loki is aware of the necessity, he finds himself wishing he could somehow help.
It is not much of a surprise when he finds himself weighing the pros and cons of returning to his Aesir form, ultimately grudgingly admitting that a distraction that big will not help Tony complete this project, even with the added manpower he may be able to provide – if, that is, Tony can still trust him once he realizes his cat is …not a cat.
It definitely is surprising to him, however, when - while watching Tony physically wrestling with the heavy machinery needed to make more holes in his mostly-demolished house, though this time there is a purpose to the further demolition – Loki finds that his desperate wish to help before Tony ends up killing his already-weakened self from sheer exhaustion is strong enough that he'd actually take the help of Thor and his hammer Mjolnir if he could actually bring his brother – correction, not-brother – to this realm.
The fact that the consideration is ridiculous from start to finish, for one thing because Thor's presence would create more questions than Tony has time for (and Loki doubts that it is a good time to test if Tony's electronic equipment is lightning-proof), does nothing to offset how fundamentally disturbing the fact that he even thought of it is, and he pointedly resolves not to think any further as he watches DUM-E trying to help with the enormous power-cables that are dropping through a new hole in the ceiling, courtesy of Tony's latest redecorating with demolition equipment.
It is easy to forget his own internal conflicts when Tony returns, tirelessly stringing together heavy metal tubes to build something that Loki most certainly does not recognize, and Loki finds himself awed by the sheer creative energy and determination that is practically radiating from the dying mortal.
It is only the next day when Tony has finished building what he and JARVIS have termed a 'prismatic accelerator', that Loki feels something akin to hope welling up within him, and tries desperately to stop its growth, only realizing that this new emotion is something subtly different from blind desperate hope.
The feeling welling up within him is a warmth that stems from the pragmatic self-confidence Tony exudes, from the fact that Tony seems to believe this will succeed, even though he knows there is a possibility it will not, and Loki finds himself swept up by the force that is Tony Stark in the throes of creativity, deciding at the end that he can allow himself a few drops of this emotion he needs so desperately to feel – because he has decided that there is a difference between blind hope, and believing in the strengths of someone he loves given even the slimmest chance that they can succeed…. and Tony has more than earned the latter.
He leaps up to the top of a nearby shelf to inspect the giant ring of pipes that Tony has supported levelly on everything from stacks of books to his cars, only to be scooped up into Tony's arms and gently carried to the other side of the room, where Tony sits on top of one now-closed wooden box and gently tells Loki to stay here for his own safety while running caresses through his fur.
Most of it Loki does not understand, but the warning that his previous position was 'in the path of the beam' when said beam is going to transmute existing elements into a new one if it works is enough reason for Loki to stay where Tony places him for safety, right next to the clumsy robots which, Loki notes, have been powered down since they might not listen to instructions to stay put.
The darkened glass panel that Tony has set him behind is irritating, but noting the similar material shielding the mortal's eyes, Loki remains behind it, deciding it must have a purpose.
It's almost impossible to watch as Tony activates his newest creation and the hope and fear warring within Loki is nearly unbearable, but he finds the strength to not turn away, determined to see this grand effort through to the end, holding desperately to the memory of Tony's caresses as he finds himself standing on his toes, while his fur stands on end of its own accord, and it is his turn to be literally trembling with nervousness.
Several small fires later, and a house that is now partially sliced through in addition to being hammered, drilled, and blasted repeatedly, JARVIS reports with what seems like satisfaction in his tone that Tony's experiment has succeeded, and as he watches a new reactor no-longer based on palladium flare to life, Loki feels an enormous wave of relief wash over him, leaving him utterly exhausted as he relaxes from the state of unbearable tension filling him moments before- and though it's premature to hope while this new arc-reactor has not been tested fully, Loki cannot hold back the hope welling up within him.
When Tony returns wearing only a robe, in preparation for changing out his reactor should the new one pass diagnostics, he sits at his desk, giving Loki a small smile that shows his own hope, and in the aftermath of the worst emotional pain of his very long life, Loki finds himself utterly wrung-out, and too desperate for the happiness in reach to fight it any longer.
Taking a leap of faith, he jumps onto Tony's lap, rubbing affectionately against Tony's chest, this time his movements fueled by a long-needed hope instead of desperation, and as Tony wraps his arms around, pulling Loki closer, Loki finds himself drifting into sleep that is impossible to resist because in this moment, for the first time since finding out his true heritage, and perhaps for the first time in his life, Loki does not feel trapped by a dismal destiny.
...
...