A/N:
0) I posted this on 2/28 as a chapter replacement to my earlier note, but as of yesterday was imformed by a friend who has me on story-alert that she got nothing, so I am going to revert to posting it as usual - my deepest apologies for the delay.
1) Sorry this took longer than expected (to write up), but apparently restoring my computer from factory configuration to what I'm used to - as well as sorting though the data dump that resulted since apparently file location information was among the lost data (assuming I understood their explanation correctly) is taking me longer than I expected. Add to that the fact that I'm a slow typist normally and now that i got half the fingers to work with, I'm sloooooower... sorry again!
2)Sincere thanks for reviews,encouragement, well wishes and good advice goes to: cara-tanaka, Basia Orci, roxypony, Beloved Daughter, peppymint, kaszz-chan, Edna Pests, Hkay, StarkObsessed, Lancariel Peredhil, bermellon, Miravisu, fyrefox13, EbonyWing, BlinkTed, AnnaDruvez, simply anonymous, Beloved Daughter, Pyro, Callophillia, JustAnotherParalellDimension, and Vitan. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
3) Pyro, thanks a million for the software tip, I'll definitely apply it!
4) Diane, if you're still reading, I hope all is well with you - and that my last reply was not hurtfull since I had not intended it to be, though with all the time I've had to think, I realize that it might have been (accidentally).
If so, I am sorry. I certainly always have valued greatly your input.
I also owe you my gratitude for aptly pointing out that Odin comes across as a king first and a father second, something I have used in this chapter, and will use in another story as well.
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It takes another four days after Tony had first installed the new reactor, for his body to have purged enough of the Palladium from his blood to allow him to use the old arc-reactor long enough for JARVIS to complete the diagnostics on both the reactor, and though Loki knows that Tony will be fine, he still cannot help the agitated pacing that overcomes him, as each minute the palladium-based reactor is in feels like a year, he cannot help but think of the poison slowly but surely leaking from it.
Finally, when the diagnostic is complete, revealing no risk of future issues with either the new element or the modified arc-reactor, and Tony switches out his old arc-reactor for the new safe one, Loki feels the tension drain from him, and instead of worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, he simply revels in the knowledge that the nightmare of watching death slowly creeping up on a person he loves is truly….. finally over.
It is strange, Loki reflects, that now – now that Tony is safe from this inescapable slow death which has shadowed both their lives for so long, finally Loki feels content, free even, because for the first time in hundreds of years, he feels truly alive.
Perhaps it is the rekindled hope that burns now within him, or maybe it is all that this long hard road has taught him, about appreciating and holding on to the things that matter before it is too late….. but whatever the reason, and despite the unbearable emotional pain he has had to endure in the past two months, he knows he has emerged from it stronger, and wiser.
Turning his attention to the sudden quietness permeating the room, now that Tony and JARVIS have finished discussing specifications, and possible upgrades for the armor now that the new reactor is able to provide far more power than its predecessor, Loki quietly jumps down from the tool-chest where he is perched, fully intending to cross the room to Tony's side, when the mortal's words stop him in his tracks.
Tony is talking to JARVIS again, but there is an uncharacteristic openness and vulnerability in his tone, and though he is looking at the schematics for his new-reactor that are on the holo-screen, his gaze lacks its usual sharpness, instead clearly focused on events of another time, as he says softly:
"JARVIS…. Thank you… for being there when none of the humans in my life were."
The honest pain in his voice reminds Loki of the many times both Rhodey and Pepper had failed to even glimpse the burden that Tony was carrying alone, assuming that he was simply choosing to be irresponsible, rather than placing their trust in him and trying to understand.
Though they both know that malice was never a reason for any of it, those softly spoken words only serve to verify the truth of what Loki had been suspecting all along: that having to bear that burden all alone, and knowing that the people closest to him turned to condemnation before ever trying to understand his pain and despair had hurt the mortal deeply, and in a far worse way than the ever-spreading ache in his chest or the poison running though his blood.
Despite that fact, though, Tony had meant it when he said that he and Rhodey were still friends, and told Pepper that he loved her and wanted a future with her.
Loki knows from personal experience that pain so deep does not simple evaporate when the cause for it is removed, and what Tony has told JARVIS is ample proof of the fact.
The mechanism in action that allows both truths to coexist is the fact that Tony has chosen to let those hurts rest in the past, and not dwell upon his pain, to let the bonds between him and those closest to him continue to grow stronger rather then letting either bitterness or guilt erode them…. and once again, Loki finds that he admires the mortal.
Loki would smile – if he could – at JARVIS's reply, which holds a note of confusion within what seems to be a dry observation:
"I, sir, am not human."
It is amusing that the computer says this, confirming at once that he does not think of himself as a human, nor does he want to, but the curiosity in those words triggers a long-repressed ache in Loki's chest, because he understands the unspoken question the computer is not voicing - because JARVIS is not human, and he wonders if his actions matter in the way that a human's would, given that he is a machine.
Loki knows that Tony has understood the unspoken question also, because the mortal looks up with a slight smile – a gesture Loki has learned to recognize as one of affection because of all the times Tony has directed it at him – and says in a tone that is confident as well as soothing:
"No, but you have evolved beyond what I created you to be… you are your own person, and that's all that matters."
JARVIS does not respond to that statement, but he does not need to, its meaning and effect are clear. Because of that, Loki finds that he cannot help but reflect once again after almost three weeks that in a sense, JARVIS is Tony's son, in every way that counts – in mind even though not in body – and though he is not human, Tony does not consider him any less worthy because of the fact.
After all this time, Loki knows that Tony cares for JARVIS, trusts him unconditionally, and respects him….. truths that though surprising perhaps, remind Loki that family is not always bound by blood.
Changing his course, he pads across the room and sits, staring out at the darkened sky and the visible stars beyond which lies the world he had once called home, and for the first time he realizes that he wishes for another chance with Odin.
Unlike with Thor – Thor who had always open, truthful with his emotions – Odin had always been, and would always be, a king first and a father second, and though Loki has come to realize that there is a possibility that Odin did in-fact love him, even though he was never bound to him by blood, in honesty, he cannot say with any certainty that it is any more than one possibility of many.
In this case, Loki does not know if there is any possibility of regaining love between himself and his adoptive father, most importantly because he does not know if it ever existed…. but now that he realizes that there is much he does not know, much he has assumed in the past, for the first time, Loki wants to know…. he wants to learn the truth…. and he is no longer afraid.
Loki looks up when he hears Tony calling his name in the gentle sweet tone he usually uses, and looks up to see Tony kneeling by his side briefly before the mortal scoops him into his arms and carrying him over to the couch.
As he relaxes against Tony's chest - finding peace in the steady strong beating of a heart that he had once heard counting down to a certain death - while the mortal runs soothing caresses through his fur, Loki vaguely reflects that to find closure he has to return to Asgard and face his past– an action which will in time become possible again as his depleted magic rebuilds itself, a process which for the first time today has let him vaguely sense the power of the casket within the dimensional pocket where he had stored it.
Despite that fact, though, Loki feels no need to hurry. Though he could simply vanish, he knows that when he leaves he will have to tell Tony the truth about him – and deal with the fallout later – because he does not want Tony to mourn him for no reason…. and after all they have faced together, Tony deserves the truth…..
In this moment, though, Loki loves and is loved….. and as he closes his eyes, resting against the mortal's warmth while enjoying this moment of peace and pure happiness, he decides that both the truth and Asgard can wait.
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