A/N:
1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: Scyllaya, Lia, Miravisu, EternityInYourArms, cara-tanaka, tmmdeathwishraven, ladywinterfic, Beloved Daughter, Isis36, Abandon-Morality, TygerC, milen748, AnnaDruvez, HarlequinJade, Auluna, Basia Orci, simply anonymous, JannaKalderash, EbonyWing, 3rdbase101, random bug, AquaBurst, Lancaeriel Peredhil, noukinav018, Tripod Gal, Edna Pests, Mimi MC, SilasBrandybuck, AncientHistory, shizukoyasu, Munku-JGSPTV, Golden feathers Edward, Kokoroyume, Identical Gemini, rubberducky26, vampire865, SerenaRiis, ShadowAlya, AliceTheHunted, LeoLuin, fan girl 666, braveleo5, ConfettiRiot, prlygirlie, hisokauzumaki, Unleash the Bats, ThatOneFan, night flame miko, icis182, Redblade, Aruyn, LadyGrimR, LadyKarma18, Gilraen Elensar, Blessed24 7, and aussie logic. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
2) I truly apologize for the long wait! The past weeks have been a mixture of extended family craziness, hyper-kids (not mine, luckily) craziness, Avengers craziness - which has spawned another two ficlets "Bittersweet Lies" and "Reflections Across Enemy Lines" the later of which I honestly have no clue where it's going, etc.
3) I made the mistake of showing my collected writings to my family... and erm, well, lets just synposize by saying that my muse (and my ego) was thoroughly trampled underfoot... though its possible that a major problem was the fandom not my writing itself... I think... I hope. Either way...Youch!
Anyway, thanks a milion for all your support, dear readers... you certainly have a way of brightening crappy days and without you all this would not be possible.
I also hope I've not managed to make a mess of this with my flattened muse and all, and that I've done it justice.
4) Next chapter is the last with Loki on earth (ie, in Tony's home), I think... sad? I'm sad :-(
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Loki knows the mortal is about to argue, but for all that he wishes to hear those words, they will only make what he must do next harder, so he interrupts, gently but firmly:
"No, Tony…. I mean it – I have to do this...
When I first realized what I am…. my pained wrath followed Thor…. my brother ….. here in his exile as a mortal…. I sent the Destroyer after him to burn everything in its path till it could kill him."
He tries not to feel even more guilty as he briefly explains what the Destroyer was, and notices Tony's slight wince as the mortal cannot help but think of the fragile mortal lives lost there…. but he takes strength from the fact that despite the pain his words bring the mortal, Tony is still not passing judgment on him, and though this understanding is more than he deserves, it's everything he needs to help himself bear the guilt that his own admission brings him.
Fighting back what feels suspiciously like tears prickling in his eyes, Loki continues:
"The only way for him to stop it from destroying this world was to give it what it had been sent to take, his life….. and in that moment I hated him so much more for being willing to make that sacrifice, I took it…. I killed him."
He feels like he is choking on the pain and guilt burning within him, like time itself has ground to a halt as all he can see is Thor lying broken and dead before him….. until he feels the pressure of the mortal's hand resting gently on his shoulder.
Tony does not try to give him words of false comfort…. he knows too well how little they mean, but his silent gesture says enough: that he still accepts Loki even knowing what he has done, that Loki does not have to bear this alone….. and it is enough to snap Loki out of the whirlpool of guilt sucking him down, long enough to finish in a less-choked voice:
"I know I don't deserve his forgiveness…. or to call him brother again, but nonetheless I must ask it of him….. I need to ask it of him, and even though the regret I feel is worth nothing… he deserves to know."
Again it is Tony who draw him out from the pained silence which threatens to envelop him, though the mortal's words are spoken in a weary quiet tone: "Regret's worth something, Loki."
Loki sighs, filling in mentally the unspoken "….. just not enough when all is said and done,", and again he is reminded of how different…. how precious…. Tony is, because the mortal does not try to offer forgiveness that is not his to give, or even to take for himself….. because words that should be some small solace are spoken in a tone that holds within it no real hope or absolution, yet they are still spoken in truth …. and though he knows the answer already, Loki cannot help but ask with some bitterness of his own:
"You really believe that?"
The mortal smiles, bitterly, even as his gaze shows nothing but raw pain, and replies in a voice that's barely a whisper:
"I have to."
In the end, Loki smiles slightly, because though Tony has never been able to forgive himself for a past he hadn't even chosen, though he is too immersed in cruel reality to ever feel that his sacrifices are enough, he still fights each day for the absolution he will never grant himself, and that somehow makes some small difference - even if not enough for the mortal to ever truly feel happy and at peace inside.
The mortal's words do not paint for Loki a dream-world where wishes become reality and the past can be undone, but within his broken admission lies a greater gift than perhaps any other…. because Loki can see the raw pain and weariness in Tony's gaze, he sees the emotions that burn quietly within the mortal laid bare on the surface for him to see, or even use against Tony had he so wished it, and this vulnerability….. this choice to make himself vulnerable to a being that he now knows can understand, can hurt him – a being with a past as dark and chaotic as Loki's… is the most precious gift of all.
Loki sighs lightly as he sees Tony's gaze become unfocused, and knows that the mortal's mind and aching heart are dwelling firmly in his past regrets….. and since he too cannot offer solace or absolution, all he can do is to break the silence by finishing in as casual a tone as possible:
"Anyway, I must apologize to my brother and learn what he feels for me now….."
It is mildly amusing when the mortal's mind picks up on the meaning of Loki's words, even through the fog of his grief, and Tony's expression snaps from haunted to confused in microseconds, as he manages an incredulous:
"Wait…. what he feels? … present tense?"
It is too much of an opportunity to miss, so instead of giving a complete explanation, laced with all the emotions that now are correlated with it, Loki simply replies, casually:
"Yes, he's alive now."
The mortal does not reply for a couple of seconds – a long time for Tony Stark – and when he does, it is clear he is still confused, and not trying to pretend he isn't:
"Ah, okay, so is that an Asgard...ian thing or a…. Thor thing?"
In any other case it might have been funny, but not when the question is loaded with such painful memories. Despite that Loki answers factually:
"Actually it was Mjolnir that brought him back to life and restored his powers….. Mjolnir is his hammer."
This time the confusion and wry disbelief written on the mortal's features are too entertaining not to react to, and Loki finds himself suddenly laughing harder than he has in years, finally managing to choke out:
"Stop looking at me like that – it's no ordinary hammer!"
By the time Loki manages to look up and meet Tony's gaze again, the mortal seems entirely unfazed by the entire situation ….. in a way that only Tony Stark could be, and yet the mortal's comment still manages to throw him:
"Well, he must really love his hammer."
Loki's smile is shadowed by the ever-present regret eating into his heart, because while Tony's comment is funny – who else would have put it that way – and truthful; Thor had always been very fond of Mjolnir…. the heart of the matter now is that in some ways, Loki loves that hammer – the very weapon that had once been granted to another and had more recently judged him unworthy – because it saved Thor's life….. and for all that forgiveness may still be unreachable, Loki does not know how he could have lived with the guilt had the Thunderer remained dead.
The wry amusement in the mortal's expression fades away far too quickly, because though it had been real, it is overshadowed by Loki's pain which he understands too well…. and Loki finds himself compelled to finish, perhaps in hopes of laying the last of this painful confession to rest:
"And then there is my…. the Allfather – my adoptive father. When I fell here I was convinced that he never loved me and never would….. but I have learned that he was as….. inept a parent… as yours when it came to showing affection, and the truth is, I don't know….. so even if it is over between us because he is a king before a father, I need to know if I really was his son, before all this."
This time the repressed pain in the mortal's gaze is another kind…. it is loneliness rather than guilt, and Loki instantly regrets reminding Tony of his father because while the mortal knows now that in his own way, Howard Stark had loved him….. one last posthumous recording could never truly heal the emotional scars left by of a lifetime of loneliness and neglect - even though carried out with good intentions - and all Loki can do is try to draw a bandage over the ever-present wound that his words have reopened, finishing gently but firmly:
"I need to go back – I want to go back….. even if for nothing else, I need closure."
Tony sighs lightly, but he still nods his assent – because this need he understands better than anyone else Loki has ever known….. and for the mortal who has always been willing to sacrifice far too much….. his own loneliness is a small price to pay for the peace sought by another soul.
Now that he is free to go, Loki feels oddly vulnerable – because of the small part of him that dreads what will happen when he returns to Asgard…. because of the truths that he has not told Tony, the infinitesimal possibility that when the Aesir are made aware of his survival, and in retaliation for his past crimes, they will declare war on him and hunt him down across the realms.
It's almost a ridiculous consideration – after all executions are not really Odin's style ... usually, and hell, the Allfather had spared Laufey - but it's still marginally possible …. enough that he must leave now rather than risk his mortal friend's life, knowing that if he is here when they come for him – and even though they both would know it was a lost fight - Tony will try to protect him and end up being killed in the process.
It's barely a possibility at all, and Loki knows this, but even that is a cold comfort at best, considering that the only other reasonable punishment for his actions is to have his powers stripped from him – probably forever - and that is somehow a more terrifying fate than execution.
The silence and false peace filling the room is broken by Tony's gentle and melancholy observation:
"Yet you also expect that this will end badly for you – and not just where relationships are concerned."
Loki wants to deny it, but he knows Tony's too smart to be fooled, too perceptive to not see the dread lurking within him, so he simply replies quietly:
"I've done terrible things…. to my family, to an entire world…. which merit punishment."
The mortal nods slightly, calmly even, understanding the feeling only too well, but his pained broken reply is far from calm:
"My legacy ... for most of my life has been a body count, Loki. A lot of people in this world have hurt because of me…. and many of them wish to kill me for what I've done. Fact is, I probably deserve nothing better….."
Loki wants to reply to those words, wants to tell Tony that he's wrong because of all the people he's known in almost a thousand years, he has yet to meet another who deserves happiness more than Tony Stark – or another who has given so very much of himself for a world that will never give anything back….. but it is the sheer pained honesty in those words, the fact that they are absolute truth to the mortal, which drowns out any reply that he might have been able to give, crushing it beneath a tidal wave of unfathomable pain…. and before he can even begin to fathom how he can make Tony see himself for all that he is, the mortal continues, quietly:
"I could hand myself over to them and let them exact retribution…. but all it would do is perhaps make them feel a little better. In the long run, this wreck of a world will be the best we've got and it's only going to get worse…. so I choose this instead….."
Loki does not need to follow the mortal's gaze to know that it has rested on his Iron Man armor. Instead he watches the bitter pained and yet somehow still desperately hopefull expression in the mortal's eyes as he finishes slightly more calmly…. and yet infinitely wearily:
"… because by doing so, I can do more good than I can by dying…. I can hope to make a difference…."
Loki sighs silently, wishing that the mortal would start to realize how precious he truly is, but he knows that right now and maybe forever more, arguing the point is a lost cause – because even if the cold uncaring world eventually comes to appreciate Tony, the mortal will never forgive himself – and instead, Loki replies, gently but firmly:
"You do make a difference…. and I understand your point, but it's not the same situation, because for me, the most important thing I can hope to achieve at present is to find closure and try to make amends with my family….. and it's not going to be at the cost of my life."
That last statement – or at least the certainty in it - is not entirely honest, but Loki's never claimed to be honest, and at least this lie is for a good cause. Feeling slightly surer of himself, Loki finishes:
"Mostly I fear that my powers will be taken away and I'll become effectively mortal….. I fear becoming that…. weak."
Perhaps Tony should take it as an insult but he doesn't. Instead he replies softly in a tone that has the weight of a promise:
"If that happens, come back, I'll build you a suit ... if you want."
At those words, Loki smiles – he cannot help it, knowing that there are not many that Tony would willingly trust with such an offer – but the smile is cracking with the sorrow that fills him, because coming back here…. powerless to bend the laws of nature is practically a guarantee of having to endure more pain than he can survive…. and he can't do this, not again.
Again the mortal picks up on his hesitation, because he adds, in a tone which says clearly that he feels like a fool:
"Oh, yeah, I kinda get how the whole becoming mortal when you're …. a demigod or whatever…. could really suck."
Loki chuckles – albeit bitterly – at the mortal's choice of words, then he sighs again, wishing to all the universe that it was that simple, before replying with a sigh:
"It's not that – not exactly. When I fell to this world…. it's ironic really, I'd let myself fall, not wanting to live….. but right before impact, instinct kicked in and here I am."
He sees the pained understanding in the mortal's gaze as Tony realizes that he'd tried to end his life, but he does not give the mortal a chance to comment, as it would hurt too much to hear – because he knows that Tony understands…. because he knows that the mortal has been at the breaking point of embracing his own mortality too many times in the past, and even if by this point, Tony has been able to find purpose in the dangerous path he has chosen to tread, and even though he's found something to live for in the few people he holds close to his heart….. he's still far too willing to risk his life for Loki's comfort.
So yes, he knows Tony understands – because the mortal has been there – but he cannot bear to hear it. Instead he presses on:
"It took so much of my magic – my energy if you will – to survive, that I was for all effects and purposes mortal.
I hated it…. but ultimately it was the best thing that ever happened to me."
Loki smiles ruefully at the memory – and the fact that the usually hyperactive genius is waiting patiently for him to continue – before saying:
"At first I …. looked down upon you, I scorned you for being mortal - hated you even, because hate was the only thing left in me - but powerless as I was, I could do nothing."
He shivers slightly, remembering again what he would have done, both to Tony and this world, had he been able to, before continuing, vaguely wondering if the relief he feels – relief that his carefully crafted plans had collapsed - has managed to seep into his otherwise level tone:
"When I started to realize, however, how much you'd struggled against – and triumphed over -, how you'd risen against everything you'd ever known and changed everything, how you'd been reborn from the ashes of your own mortality to make your world a better place ... and how you found it in you to continue fighting even when one closest to you betrayed you in the worst way imaginable….. I couldn't help but start to respect you."
Loki cannot help the small smile that surfaces, remembering the first real affection he'd felt in what felt like an eternity:
"When you saved my life, I started to grow fond of you, and eventually respect became admiration. Eventually... you became precious to me …. so you see, the events that trapped me powerless here….gave me the time necessary for your love and acceptance to help me heal inside and learn from you…. gave me a chance to love again and to …. accept that I could."
He sighs, as remembered crushing grief overtakes the feeling of peace he had tasted briefly moments earlier, and continues in a tone which cracks under the weight of the sheer emotional pain which had burned within him for so long, strangling even his will to live:
"….. But despite all that, it was also the most …. painful thing I've ever had to endure…."
His vision blurs, even as he holds the mortal's understanding gaze, and continues, his voice breaking with each added word:
"…. because I was powerless to watch you slowly dying, a little more each day…. knowing I couldn't save you."
He closes his eyes, willing the unshed tears not to overflow, finishing with a barely audible whisper:
"….I can't imagine having to face that again."
A comforting hand rests on his wrist – warm and soothing even through the metal of his armor – and he cannot help but open his eyes when the mortal calls his name…. gently, encouragingly.
Tony smiles at him, softly - sadly even - the expression complete with an openness and honesty that Loki cannot help but cherish – knowing how precious this absolute trust is, and how rare - saying gently in a tone that is rough with emotion and burning with sincerity:
"You did save me. You gave me peace and happiness when everything was falling apart…. you were there for me when I needed you most, and though I hadn't known at the time how much you understood, you were there. That's all that mattered…. so thank you."
It is not a surprise to him. Loki had always known that for all that his presence could do nothing to save Tony, it was cherished nonetheless. Still, it was not enough for Loki then, and it never can be. He does understand the sentiment however, and too choked with emotion to reply, he simply responds to the small sad smile with a more bitter variant of the same.
The silence that stretches out this time is a comfortable one. Both are lost in their own thoughts but neither need to speak as they share a trust born of understanding and respect, and the silent presence of the other is enough for each of them … for the moment….
Loki closes his eyes, calming himself one measured breath at a time. He cannot fathom loosing Tony again, and some part of him wants to take away the mortality which makes him so…. fragile…. especially when faced with the mortal's troubling willingness to risk himself for everyone in need. There are ways, Loki supposes, but he also knows that the price of immortality is the agony of watching everyone and everything you care about slip away, and for Tony – for a man who cares more, feels more deeply, and loves more completely - beneath his seemingly impenetrable armor of indifference - than anyone Loki has ever known …. immortality might just be the most cruel fate of all.
It's far from over though, and Loki would be lying to himself if he were to say that there is anything simple about this consideration, especially when he does not even know what tomorrow will hold for him.
'Tomorrow then…. I'll leave when the sun rises', Loki decides, knowing that if he lets himself delay, if he does not set a deadline, he will end up postponing this journey indefinitely, and though in some ways it would be so much easier, he'd meant it when he said he needed closure.
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