A/N:
1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: Lancaeriel Peredhil, frzntears, Isis36, Erestory, Psyche102, cara-tanaka, Edna Pests, peppymint, LeoLuin, Abandon-Morality, Kokoroyume, icis182, Devonne, Scyllaya, bananacupcakes, Choas Babe, Gilraen Elensar, prlygirlie, AquaBurst, SerenaRiis, LadyGrimR, fan girl 666, Lady Rin Kayamata, Dark, noukinav018, Golden feathers Edward, Magician of Khemet, simply anonymous, LadyKarma18, Illustrioustaco, Sony Boy, Munku-JGSPTV, LeRhive, Beloved Daughter, DragonAngerRaven, sunraye36, wolf of infinity, IONCTM, A-World-Of-My-Imagination, Blissfulnightmare's True Form, tati1, Lacus01, WrenWeir, chisscientist, Nebelkind, Soul Eater Meow, Guest, Kina-chan, Nitmi, Guest, Guest, CrisscrossAnime, ladyofstayne, That-is-illogical, foxlin, kirallie, Grey Grapevines, farawisa, and Guest.
Again, this would not be possible without all of you! You've been great! :-)
As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
2) Also, thanks for kindly constructive criticism and corrections go to: LeRhive, Blissfulnighmare's True Form, chisscientist, and Guest.
I'll do my best to adress what you have pointed out!
3) Sincere apologies for making you all wait soooo long for this, and also sincere apologies to anyone waiting on an update for Heart of the Storm. It should be here within a few days (of course last time I said that it took me over a week to deliver... sorry).
I've had to get back to work again, and things are insanely hectic.
Well, that and with the DVD release of "Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows", I've been on a bit of a Holmes bender which may or may not result in some kind of non-crossover publication (I don't know if it's actually any good yet).
And... the fact that it took me seven revisions - and a lot of brooding - to be satisfied with this chapter... mostly. It's Loki's and Tony's last scene together for the forseeable future (kinda)
:-(
:-(
:-(
and I wanted to do it justice - don't know if I suceeded, though I certainly hope so!
4) I'm on youtube now! with the username "Astra Eightyseven", and I've made two vids, both on Iron Man, both Tony character studies.
Since I cannot put the links here, the titles are "IRON MAN - What I've done" and "IRON MAN - In The End", though since a lot of people have made similar vids, if you're looking for mine, best to find Astra Eightyseven's channel first!
Anyone who wants to drop by (or who finds Tony Stark as amazing as I do) come say hi ... and if you want, let me know what you think too!
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Still, there is time… precious time left before sunrise, and there is so much more about the mortal that he wishes to know.
For all that he has understood Tony in ways that few ever will, the mortal is too complex for his understanding to truly be complete – even after more than a year ….. and this time it is Loki who breaks the silence, with the first question that comes to his mind, because this is one of the ones he wishes to understand the most.
He had not been there to watch, to understand for himself, when the mortal's world - and everything he'd ever believed in - crashed and burned…. He'd not been there to watch Tony pull himself out of the wreckage of his life, to survive the terrible betrayal which would have destroyed a lesser man, and emerge as a healing and protecting light for a world in suffering.
Tony's never chosen to willingly speak about the events that had first shattered his world, to anyone, and all Loki knows is from what he's overheard of some short and largely uninformative replies to Pepper's occasional queries.
But for all that Tony pretends that those events don't matter, for all that he hides the wounds beneath layers of emotional armor, there is no questioning that they are still there, raw and bleeding… and Loki hopes, though he knows it's unlikely, that sharing this burden can help the mortal find some solace.
"When you look at your armor, usually your expression is calculating. You're running schematics in your mind, thinking about the comparative strengths of each and what kind of upgrades it can accommodate….. and there's some pride thrown in for how far you've come and what you've created."
Loki's eyes flicker between the only two damaged suits of armor on display, both reminders in their own way, and continues, quieter now:
"Sometimes when you look at the Mark III, there is something vaguely trapped and bitterly alone in your eyes, because it reminds you of Stane and you can't help but wonder who you can trust….. and there is pain there too, because someone you loved and trusted betrayed you, tried to kill you, and perhaps worse, used you to hurt innocent people…. But those feelings are held at bay by your determination and the knowledge that you put an end to his deceit, that you'll never let it happen again."
He takes in the mortal's expression which is completely open and shockingly raw, and sighs lightly before he finishes with little more than a whisper:
"But when you look at the Mark I, and let yourself think about it, there is an inconsolable loss in your expression…. and at the same time reverence….. and I don't know why."
Tony swallows hard, choked by emotions that Loki's question has so effortlessly brought to the surface, despite his precautions….. and Loki sighs internally, wondering if he has pushed too far and done more harm than good as the silence thickens around them, until the mortal breaks it with a bitter chuckle:
"You saw that, huh."
The bitterness which taints the amusement in Tony's tone is not directed at him. Of this much, Loki is certain. Rather the mortal is not accustomed to being read this well by anyone, and it's the effortless dismantling of all his barriers that stings, perhaps as much as the question itself hurts.
For what feels like an eternity, Tony is silent, staring sightlessly at the armor ahead of him while his mind is thousands of miles away, and not wanting to push harder - knowing that for all that Tony trusts him, it is both painful and difficult for the mortal to willingly shed every last scrap of emotional armor he's reflexively donned for so long, and tear open these deep scars just to bleed it all out – Loki simply waits.
Finally the mortal rises, walks to stand before the battered bulky prototype, his posture weary rather than tense, as if he's bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders – and perhaps in many ways he is.
When Tony finally speaks, his voice is rough with emotion, infinitely tired and shockingly raw:
"This isn't just armor…. It's the final memorial of a great man – a man far greater than I with all the assets I have …. which mean absolutely nothing in the end…."
The mortal turns toward Loki, meeting emerald eyes with his own, dark and haunted:
"There were two of us in that cave, Loki. Only one of us made it out though. Yinsen saved my life, but I couldn't save his….. He died so that I could live…. and this, the last thing that he ever worked on…. is in many ways all I have left of him…"
Tony falls silent, unwilling to go further and Loki does not push the mortal, knowing that he is in pain. He toys with the idea of telling him that Yinsen would tell Tony that he is proud of him, if only he could, that clearly the other man had seen something in Tony that had been worth giving everything, and he would not have any regrets, knowing how much good Tony has done with his life.
But Tony already knows this, intellectually, just as he probably knows that he's already done more good for his world than his weapons in the wrong hands have ever caused harm…. and yet nothing will ever be enough for the mortal to grant himself the peace he needs.
Why would Loki's hypothetical statement change anything?
In any case, Tony never gives him the chance to reply, instead returning to sit next to Loki as he finishes with a weary but less-raw:
"It's one of the first things that inspired the EXPO."
Loki responds with a questioning look - having known that the EXPO had been Tony's final effort to better a world that he was leaving forever, but only now realizing that the idea had been kindled by something else entirely - and Tony continues:
"Knowing him…. made me realize how many brilliant people are out there, people like him who could have futures filled with achievement but instead are held back by personal circumstance."
Ah, yes, Loki thinks. Finally he understands ….. understands why the Stark EXPO had showcased not just the latest advancements of major corporations and research groups, but also had unveiled to the world at large many hitherto unknown advances made by people who would have never been heard of otherwise... just as he understands why Tony - in what would have been the last weeks of his life - had spent enormous amounts of time tracking down the most promising and under-supported of such individuals and groups, and offered them the support of his company, his name and assets to get ahead…. and still does.
Loki smiles a little, knowing now that while Tony wants to see the hope for a better future be born in the present – in the ways that matter most, it comes down to the friend he could not save….. to reaching out to those who hold promise and giving them the opportunities that could have changed Yinsen's life had they been extended to him….. and as if he's reading Loki's thoughts, Tony adds quietly, his tone weary and cracked by grief:
"I guess part of me will always wonder…. would anything have been different for Yinsen, had more opportunities come his way? ….. Would he be alive today?"
At that weary and haunted admission, Loki frowns slightly. From what he knows, his mortal friend's savior was a doctor – a brilliant doctor – who had returned to his homeland after completing his education abroad to improve medical care, and thus had fallen into the hands of the people who ultimately killed him.
Could his life had gone differently? Maybe – maybe with the backing of a corporate grant to develop his innovations, Yinsen's presence in that dangerous place would have not been needed, even though from passing references that Tony has dropped here and there, the older man did not sound like the kind of person who would have stood off to the sidelines.
In any case, had he never been captured by the Ten Rings, he'd never have been there when Tony was …. and Tony would have died back in that cave which still sometimes haunts his dreams.
The idea is heart-wrenchingly terrible – and only slightly less so than the fact that Tony has to know this, but still wishes for it all the same.
Loki's reply is more than a little bitter:
"If he was, you wouldn't be."
Tony simply smiles sadly, and looks away, his open unguarded gaze unfocused and filled with raw pain.
His silence says more than words ever could, and if Loki had to guess – really, he knows the mortal too well to call this a guess – he knows that in his mind's eye, the mortal is seeing his friend dying again.
This is the most bitter irony of all, and the most tragic, Loki thinks.
His eyes flicker over the suits of armor across the room from him, some damaged and left as reminders, others repaired and ready to be used should the necessity arise.
He looks at the scattered pieces of damaged armor from various missions that litter the workshop …. and burning pain rises up within him, mingling with the love and admiration he feels for this fragile mortal….. because he cannot help but be reminded of all the times Tony's put his life on the line for others…. all the times that he's bled for people he's never even known and yet fights for all the same, trying to save a world bent on its own destruction.
He thinks of all the times that the mortal almost didn't come back at all, of all the lives he's save along the way… and still….. still, after all this, the mortal still will not let himself find peace, will not accept the absolution he has more than earned.
And that is the tragic irony in all this; because beneath the façade of a man in love with himself, Tony's far too willing to throw his life away for others, because deep down inside - and despite his intellectual and tactical worth – his own life, his own happiness…. means next to nothing.
Loki sighs bitterly, wishing that he could do something…. anything …. to take away the pain that burdens the mortal, for all that he knows that these wounds will never heal…. and nothing he does can change that. He wishes that Tony could see in himself what Loki sees in him, could realize how…. precious he is.
He knows that this once all his reclaimed powers avail him nothing, and yet, Loki cannot help but try.
Even as he sees the rays of the sun creep over the horizon, inexorably beckoning to him, he lingers there, remembering the comfort that the mortal's touch had given him for all that it could not take away his own burdens.
Tony's still not looking at him – he's far from even being present, too lost in the pain of his memories – so he doesn't see it coming when Loki shifts closer and drapes his left arm over the mortal's shoulders, pulling him close.
The mortal stiffens for a moment, still not especially accustomed to physical contact, but then relaxes, closing his eyes as he rests his head against Loki's shoulder….. and knowing now that his gesture is taken as intended, knowing that the mortal needs this – needs to know that he matters, that he is loved and accepted, even with all the burdens and regrets weighing upon his scarred soul – Loki gently places his right hand on Tony's side, cradling the mortal close, just as Tony had done for him all those times before.
Belatedly he remembers that the armor he's wearing cannot make for an especially comfortable contact, but Tony does not seem to mind – after all, the mortal is used to the feeling of metal pressed against his skin – and Loki does not want to destroy this precious moment.
Instead he dips his head slightly, so that his nose barely brushes the tips of the mortal's short dark hair, and breathes in the mortal's scent….so different as he's no longer in the form of a cat, and yet so comforting, so familiar…. as he murmurs gently:
"You really don't see yourself clearly, Tony."
The mortal does not reply, except for the entirely silent and ragged sigh which Loki feels rather than hears, and Loki continues gently:
"I cannot speak for a man I have never known, but I can tell you this, my friend. Were I in Yinsen's position - had my life been his - I would have felt no regrets at the end, knowing that I had given back to the world something far more precious than any invention could ever be: you….. you just don't realize how…. special… you are."
For a fraction of a second, it seems as if Tony's going to argue, but he doesn't, nor does he reply, and Loki sighs lightly, knowing that he can never convince Tony of this fact. At most he can hope that at least the knowledge that Loki sees something worth saving in him can help in some small way…. and perhaps it has, because Tony seems fractionally more peaceful.
Looking again towards the rising sun, Loki sighs quietly, torn between knowing that he has to make things right - especially with Thor - and not wanting to leave his fragile mortal friend alone and unprotected…. though if there's anything that can be said about Tony, despite his overwhelming willingness to risk everything, it's that he's a survivor.
As an idea suddenly occurs to him, Loki thinks hard, recalling forms of magic he had not used in hundreds of years - and never though he would again – breaking the silence with a whisper, as he moves his right hand to rest over the arc-reactor:
"Do you trust me?"
Tony nods silently, a small gesture that sends warmth spreading through Loki's chest and makes tears prickle in his eyes – because he is trusted, because Tony's still perfectly calm, even with the hand of another resting on his ….. life…. which could be so easily snuffed out….. because Loki knows, he's seen and heard, the mortal's well-hidden involuntary reaction of instinctual fear when anyone touches the mortal there without warning – and he closes his eyes, feeling the energy running once again through his veins, out his fingertips, and into the mortal's body.
He doesn't need an image to know what he's searching for and destroying. The results of JARVIS's scans which he has seen every time there had been a need for one are burned into his memory by the pain of seeing the razor-sharp barbs constantly trying to eat their way into the mortal's heart. Instead he keeps his eyes closed, relying on memory to guide his magic to the pieces of shrapnel which he dissolves into nothingness one by one.
It is not enough. Three pieces cannot be removed – not safely – because they are lodged in the walls of arteries, and Loki's not confident enough in his own healing magic to be willing to take the risk…. not now, not without some lengthy practice beforehand.
But at least those pieces are firmly held by the scarring that has surrounded them, and are not likely to move, even without the magnetic suspension system.
Still, Loki sighs…. knowing that the mortal's broken heart – literally and metaphorically – is still just that: broken … knowing that right now he cannot fix the existing damage that at some point had forced Tony to add in a pacemaker beneath the arc-reactor….. But there will be a next time, he decides.
Whatever his near future holds for him, he will see Tony again…. and despite the fact that many had frowned upon his study of magic, he doesn't care – at all – now that he has a better reason than ever before to expand his knowledge of it.
Opening his eyes to regard the mortal, he notices the faintest traces of sweat on the mortal's brow…. a trace of pain that taints the mortal's peaceful features, and worried, he reaches out with his magic again to make sure he has not inadvertently caused any harm.
Everything is as it should be, not counting three remaining pieces of shrapnel and a heart that still needs the assistance of a machine to function properly, but Loki realizes, a bit belatedly, that it is some fundamental incompatibility between his magic itself and a mortal form which causes the pain.
Loki fights back the twinge of regret, reminding himself that it is not significant, not really, it would have been a minor discomfort at worst, if he is to judge from the mortal's physical responses …. and what he did…. worked.
He consoles himself with the knowledge of how much more stable the mortal's health is now… and the fact that Tony is not complaining, though of course, he'll have to figure out a way to remedy this incompatibility before next time.
What is left when the regret melts away, driven back by the utter peace and trust that still rests upon the mortal's features, is another emotion entirely…. because Tony had trusted him, completely, even when his body was telling him that something was not right, even when it hurt.
He'd trusted Loki, with no reservations, even when there had been every reason to doubt….. and no words can describe the intensity of the joy that fills Loki, the warmth that floods his being, driving away every last remnant of ice and hurt and loneliness…. for nothing in the nine realms can match how precious this utterly complete and unconditional trust is, save for the precious fragile mortal who has entrusted something so valuable to his care…. to his care.
He runs his fingers once, gently, though the mortal's dark locks, before dropping it to his own lap, and gently calling the mortal's name, and it is only then that Tony stirs, opening his eyes and meeting Loki's gaze.
Loki cannot help but smile at the complete openness and trusting curiosity that calmly regard him from within expressive brown eyes, as he gently answers the mortal's unspoken question:
"I removed the shrapnel, except of three pieces which ….. "
Tony finishes for him:
"… are lodged in the wall of the Aorta."
He nods in reply and sighs lightly, wishing he could have done more, finally finishing quietly, unable to hide the note of regret in his tone:
"And I couldn't heal you. You still need the pacemaker…. just now, at least you probably won't be hurt any further by the shrapnel …. and…."
Loki realizes that the regret he feels for failing in something so important has turned his silver tongue to lead…. and Tony realizes it too – he must – because he reaches out, taking Loki's right hand in his left and giving it a gentle squeeze as he says softly and entirely sincerely:
"Loki…. Thank you."
That Tony understood is not a surprise - after all the mortal had been exactly in that position when he'd gone to make some final confessions to Pepper, but found his usual eloquence crushed by his feelings of personal inadequacy and the knowledge that there was no more time left to get it right – and yet, Loki finds himself taking in a sharp breath as the mortal's reaction truly registers and his world tilts on its axis once again.
The gentle reassurance that mingles with the immense gratitude in the mortal's tone - the unconditional acceptance and love that shine through his entirely open and genuine smile - prove, beyond any doubt, that for all that he's deeply grateful for what Loki has done, he has never expected anything of him…. that he treasures him all the same despite his failure to complete his self-appointed task…..and that he'd feel nothing less for him had Loki done nothing at all…. had he chosen to do nothing at all.
This is yet another priceless gift, and unsure how else to express the emotions that flood him and overflow, Loki can only smile – a happy open smile which he rarely ever has cause to give - as he replies in a voice thick with emotion:
"Thank you, Tony….. for everything."
Finally, the mortal's answering smile is not burdened by bitterness or grief. Instead it is as warm and brilliant as the sun shining in from the small windows.
It is also something Loki wishes he could see more often.
Remembering his own self-appointed deadline – and the fact that if he does not leave now, he may well grow permanent roots in Midgard – Loki rises, followed wordlessly by the mortal, and is about to say farewell, when Tony asks softly, hesitantly:
"Will I ever see you again, Loki?"
He shouldn't answer in the affirmative, not with the uncertainty that lies before him, but if he's to be honest with himself, Loki knows that he'll find the way to return….. and instead of the answer he thought he would give, he clasps the mortal's hands tightly in his own, as he replies firmly:
"One way or another, yes."
The hope that wars with the pain in the mortal's gaze as he manages a small smile which is for Loki's benefit alone, is something Loki knows he'll treasure always – his silent promise not to leave that hope unfulfilled - and holding to that, he lets the energy surrounding him build, finishing his time in Midgard with one final admonition:
"Stay alive, Tony."
Tony does not reply to that statement, not verbally. He won't make a promise he knows may be impossible to keep, but his hold on Loki's hands tightens fractionally, and one look into the mortal's eyes which burn with a fierce determination, is all Loki needs to know that Tony will try….. and that is all Loki can ask.
He holds the mortal's gaze until he can no-longer see him, no longer feel his hold on him, as he lets himself melt into the fabric of space itself, and then he releases his presence from Midgard entirely, gliding upon the tendrils of the universe to bring him to the world that once he called home.
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