A/N:
1) Sincere thanks for reviews and/or encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, Ordis, CatchingCraziness, jeanette9a, Crystal Night, Choas Babe, chibi heishi, Scfilover, Aruyn, akuma-river, Remzal Von Enili, ThatOneFan, Ynath Esrith, EbonyWing, derderxp, fan girl 666, RoseGlass, SerenaRiis, Anna the Lynx, Rayner Fox, Identical Gemini, EmeraldEyed, noukinav018, Nerd4ever243, Gwenola Black, I.C.2014, Jaricchi, Reader-anonymous-writer, Mesonoxian, Baow, Maia2, imstillaliveaferall, ORgasmicPigeon, GreenOnBlack, waterthemoongarden2, Jessie237, nessa11997, Satosen, LaPirataAna, beadwoirk, skepsis66, d1x1lady, zeynel, Layla, TheRangersArrow, wolf of infinity, Niwaki, and LittleLiar666. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can (might take me a couple days though. Sorry).
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
2) I'm very sorry for the long wait. Work, family issues and an AWOL muse have been taking their toll. To make things even more complicated, a dear and physically somewhat disabled relative who loves gardening (on the big prickly tree scale instead of little flower beds) has enlisted my help, and I don't have the heart to turn them down.
3) Looks again like this story is going to get a bit longer than expected, because it just wants to be told (or maybe that's the effect of seperation anxiety). In any case, don't worry. Not abandoned :-)
4) Again, I hope this chapter doesn't disspoint... I'm not sure I've done it justice, which could be a problem since as I was listing the names of every one of you who have so wonderfully reviewed, I found myself overwhelmed by your support which has gotten me through so many personal problems. You deserve all the best! Thanks a million!
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Loki half expects to meet Odin in the Great Hall. He expects some kind of formality, or at least a reminder of it, because if he ever was family to Odin, there is no reason for him to be that now. Instead, when his mother is - for the moment - done doting over him, she leads him to Valaskjalf.
The Allfather isn't there yet, so Loki walks out onto the balcony – the very place he'd been standing when overcome by bitterness and rage he'd sent the Destroyer to hunt his brother – and is shocked by how raw the pain of this regret still is, despite his brother's forgiveness and despite the time that has passed since that fateful day.
He doesn't turn away though, looking out over the shattered remnants of the Bifrost which he tries not to think of as a parallel for the bonds he broke and fears may never truly be mended again, because there is no avoiding this, because by being willing to return home, he knew that he'd have to face his actions and his past, both the good and the bad.
This is what he has to build on. This, he thinks, regret mingled with hope and something bittersweet - because ultimately Thor still had been overjoyed to have him back despite everything, - is what he needs to atone for, and even if he might never be convinced it ie enough, he must try.
Pushing away his own thoughts as Odin approaches and comes to a rest standing beside him but looking out over the city, Loki inclines his head slightly in greeting:
"Allfather."
Odin replies quietly, far from the anger that maybe he should manifest or Frigga's affection, even farther from Thor's unconditional brotherly love:
"As your king, I cannot ignore your actions, Loki."
The formality of Loki's greeting seems appropriate given Odin's reply, and he only shrugs in response, always having known that Odin was a king first and father second, maybe not even that now, not for him.
Still, he reminds himself not to let the less than auspicious start put him on the defensive, because he understands a little better the burden of royalty after his time on Earth, having seen how the eyes and expectations of a world are as much a privilege as they are cursed shackles.
For fractions of a second, the Allfather hesitates, suddenly looking tired – old - worn down by time when once he'd seemed indomitable in Loki's eyes, and a tiny part of him cannot help but wonder if he'd at least been thinking 'As your father…'
In any case, Odin says nothing of the sort, and his uncharacteristic hesitance gives no indications either way before he continues, still looking out over Asgard, studiously not meeting Loki's curious gaze:
"Still. I would know your reasons."
Loki manages a bitter semblance of a laugh, unable to attempt deflecting a question on reflex alone. Besides, it's easier than opening those old wounds anew:
"You who see and hear all?"
Odin at least doesn't rise to the challenge, instead replying quietly, tiredly even:
"You have always held much inside of you, and I cannot see into the minds and hearts of free beings."
Reminding himself that he didn't come here to fight, that he wants to find the truth whatever that may be - and in fairness, empathic intuition had been more his mother's specialty - Loki replies levelly, honestly:
"I wanted your approval. I wanted to be as worthy in your eyes as the child of your own blood, whatever it cost."
Even killing his own brother, Loki thinks bitterly, forcibly pushing the thought away because that may always lie between him and Thor, for all that his brother insists it doesn't matter, but it is between them – and too raw, too painful, to be for anyone else.
The Allfather's voice breaks through his thoughts as Odin turns to look straight at him:
"And now?"
Driven into a sudden retreat, because Loki knows that his regrets had been written clearly upon his features – he hadn't been trying to hide emotions that have become raw and consuming since coming back to find his brother's love for him stronger than ever despite what he had done, and until this latest question, Odin seemed content with not looking at him – he forces out icily:
"Now, it no longer matters to me."
Imagining the look of horror that would have been on his brother's features had he only been witness to this, and thinking wryly that Tony's at-times shocking style of deflecting people might have rubbed off on him a little too much, Loki sighs, reminding himself that if he wants the truth, he should be prepared to give it as well, and amends, softer this time:
"No, that is untrue."
Suddenly feeling like the Allfather's entirely too focused gaze is laying his very soul bare, Loki looks away, forcing out in a single breath that holds the weight of a confession and more vulnerability than he would like, but cannot be helped:
"I hope that someday, perhaps, I can make you proud, but I no longer crave it, because your approval can never absolve my mistakes any more than the lack of it can stop me from living with myself."
As he speaks the words, their irrevocable truth becomes apparent in Loki's mind, because Tony had given him his heart back, and had placed enough faith in him for Loki to survive upon. Thor's forgiveness – however undeserved - is helping to heal that heart more with each passing day. One way or another, like the mortal who taught him so much, he will survive.
Despite that certainty, a death sentence would have shaken Loki less than the next words from Odin's lips, less than the hand that rests on his shoulder with paternal pride that Loki cannot remember ever having felt before except perhaps in his earliest youth where memories are clouded by the innocence of childhood:
"You have already made me proud, my son."
"Am I still your son?", Loki cannot help but choke out, past the burning pain constricting his chest and the slight blurring of his vision - suddenly made utterly vulnerable by the last thing he ever expected.
Once again, Odin manages to surprise him, this time with the honest tiredness in his voice, and the uncharacteristic hesitance:
"I kept the truth from you because I believed it was for the best, but though for that reason you may never again call me 'father', you are my son. You have always been my son - even if I chose wrong, even when I was certain that the only path left to you would bring war to my halls - and no force in the Nine Realms is powerful enough to change what you are to me."
With those words – and without looking back – Odin turns to leave, stopped only by Loki's question:
"And as my king? What is to be my punishment?"
Despite everything Odin has told him – because Loki does believe these sentiments are true – that question has still been hanging since the beginning, and it needs to be answered. Besides, at this point, Loki knows that there isn't an execution coming his way – not like he'd let that happen – but still, what?
This time when the Allfather turns to face Loki, his expression is not unlike the fond exasperation of a father towards a young child that has missed something vital, and he replies:
"Punishment, Loki, is for those who are unwilling or unable to rectify their own mistakes."
This time, the Allfather does leave, and alone once more, looking out over a world that perhaps can become home to him again, Loki finally allows himself a small smile, because though Odin hadn't made some overtly explicit statement of paternal love, it is the closest he could have ever come to expressing such sentiments, and yes, it is enough.
Howard Stark could only express his love for his son by calling him his greatest creation, and Tony had understood it all the same. For all that the sentiment was years too late to close all those scars and unable to bridge a gap extending beyond the grave, it still mattered to the mortal – enough to give him the strength for one last fight when all seemed lost - and Loki can only think himself fortunate that these sentiments have a future, have hope, because this once, it isn't too late.
As to rectifying what he can, Loki realizes that Odin trusts him to find the way – what better gesture of faith could be given? – and as far as he has come, with all he has learned, Loki knows he will live up to that trust.
Looking out at the shattered bridge again – which may or may not be a metaphor for some of the bonds in his life - Loki decides that it is time for the rebuilding to start.
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