Shiemi Moriyama crossed her arms and sat down staring at the maps that coated the wall of the small apartment. Every day more sections were coloured in red, forming a tight barrier around the city that spawned from the Gehenna gate and they were stuck in the middle of it, just like always. She tugged a hair tie off her wrist and pulled back her long blonde hair. It felt strange having long hair, her mother had always kept it short for easy maintenance. At the thought of her mother, Shiemi glanced at the scribbled out section of the map where her home had once stood. There were too many places on the map she recognized but would never be able to return to.
She bent over, holding her calves and resting her forehead on her knees. There were never anymore tears, she'd used them all up. Shamefully most of them had been shed pitying her own situation. Nii-chan pet her fingers gently and she looked up with an attempt at a smile in place. She picked up the little green man and cuddled him for a moment, eyes scanning the maps. Where would he go?
"There you are," Rin stood in the doorway, concern creasing his brow. "I was worried you'd run off too."
"That's not funny," Shiemi said gruffly, bristling as he walked over to her. Rin pulled a chair away from a table and sat down across from her. There was a long silence between them, similar to the first night they'd slept together. Shiemi, lacking any idea of what else to do, had lain still beneath Rin, doing her best not to move as he pressed into her eagerly. She remembered that quiet unlike any other silence before it. The cold creaks of the bed, Rin's exerted grunts, all the while in her head she told herself she loved him and no one else.
"I'm not trying to be funny." He put a hand on her knee. "I know you feel—"
"Of course I feel responsible. I'm the reason he left. I was so stupid, but I was just so angry and he wouldn't see how foolish he was being." Shiemi balled her fist, her face red and blotchy. She still couldn't cry. "I know we can't do this without him."
"You're underestimating me, huh?" Rin smirked.
She stared at him, heart racing. "I just don't want you to die."
"Shiemi..."
"Everyone keeps dying and I can't cry anymore, no matter how hard I try the tears won't come. All I can do is fight and survive and I'm numb. And I know that this is what Yuki-chan feels all the time. I know that he's sad in his heart, for what he did." Shiemi put a hand over her heart and looked Rin in the eyes. "Do you understand? Yukio can't survive without us. We're the reason he keeps living."
Shiemi stood, pulling Rin to his feet and dragging him over to the wall of maps. She drew her hand across all the red. "If we leave him alone, the red will consume this heart and we'll lose him."
"You want to go after him."
"I have to."
Rin pulled Shiemi into a tight embrace. He was so much taller now and stronger. It was easy for her to feel safe in his arms, to want to just stay in them forever, but it wasn't an option. He smelled of brimstone and though it burned her nose she fell in love with that smell.
"I'll come."
Shiemi shook her head and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. "No, you and Shura still need to find Sir Pheles. And this is something I need to do."
Rin looked reluctant, but she knew he'd resign to her like he always did.
"Just be careful, alright?" Rin pulled her into a deeper kiss. She would come back for this, for him, for their love. But to rescue Yukio, even from himself, the burden settled heavily on her heart. She couldn't let him feel empty inside, because she knew that feeling now and it wasn't a safe one.
"Do you know where he'll be?" Rin turned back to the wall and scanned it intently. Shiemi's eyes settled on the deepest red.
"Yes."
"Stop trembling," she told herself. "Move your legs."
Nii-chan sat on her shoulder as Shiemi stood at the bottom of the stairway to the pharmaceutical shop. The steps were still intact but splattered with blood and dirt. She pictured her mother sweeping them in the early mornings during the summer. She remembered watching from the top step and then running off giggling whenever her mother looked back up at her, threatening to make her do the job if she didn't get back to her studies. It was wrong seeing them dirty, they should be clean and welcoming, steps leading up to a home.
"Move your damn legs," Shiemi hissed. She took the steps two at a time and was left breathless at the top, legs trembling, heart pounding. Nii-chan peeped in her ear, coxing her onwards but when she looked up at the store her blood ran cold. The front of the building was collapsed in. She couldn't even remember what it was supposed to look like. Wooden beams jutted out in all directions like broken bones. Her home, torn to shreds, too close to ground zero to even have a chance.
She approached slowly, catching sight of the garden. Something had gone through and systematically pulled out all the plants, knocked over trees, and tore up the grass. Nii-chan nuzzled her neck.
"It's a shame, isn't it?" Shiemi said, scratching his head affectionately. "But we'll build a bigger, better garden when things are alright again, won't we?"
Shiemi made her way through a hole in the debris, moving with care, not sure what was holding what up. The last time she'd been here, the building had been in better shape, but she'd made Rin go in for her. She still felt like a coward for that, begging him to go check on her mother because she couldn't stand even the thought of it. Her mother, dead. Shiemi shivered. Once she was through the rubble, Shiemi collapsed to her knees and took several shuddering breaths. Being in here was making it hard to breathe, to think. She could feel her pulse coursing through her, setting her limbs on fire. Getting to her feet, she made her way to the back of the shop.
"Yuki-chan?" she called. Something moved in a distant room and she pulled the gun from the holster at her side. She felt instantly foolish for even bringing the thing with her. She had Nii-chan, but to be a stronger Exorcist like Bon or Izumo, she needed to have more useful skills. Rin called her a Dragoon but Yukio shunned her almost entirely.
Soon there was only room left to check and it was the only one with a lone figure sitting with his back to her at a small round table.
"Yuki-chan." Shiemi gave a sigh of relief and put the gun away. "I was so worried."
"You should stop worrying about me so much, Moriyama, you'll make yourself sick." Yukio didn't turn around.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you. The things I said...I regret them." Shiemi bowed her head.
"I don't believe you."
"What?" Shiemi rushed to Yukio's side, grabbing him by the shoulder and forcing him to face her. She needed him to understand her, that she loved him, that she needed him. "Yuki-chan, please. Please forgive me."
Yukio turned easily, his muscles relaxed, his head lolling to the side slightly. He gave her a dazed smile and sighed. "I'm sure you're quite sincere, but I refuse your apology on the grounds of you being a horrid bitch."
"I..." Shiemi's cheeks burned and her nose wrinkled at the smell of his hot breath.
"Maybe you should just listen, here, sit down and I'll teach you some things." Yukio grabbed Shiemi by her shoulders and pushed her back onto a pillow. "Allow me to tutor you again with my infinite knowledge, Miss Moriyama."
"Are you drunk?"
Yukio stood, shaking his head, and patted his chest. "Pharmaceuticals expert."
"What did you do?" Shiemi looked around the room for some kind of clue as to what Yukio had taken or mixed for himself.
"I killed hundreds of people, maybe thousands now. Indirectly, mind you, not that that's ever mattered. I always find it funny that nii-san still doesn't get it, why he should just put that sword to good use and take me out. It's only a matter of time." Yukio threw his arms in the air and stared at the ceiling. "Only a matter of time."
Shiemi slammed a fist on the table. "I can't believe you. I can't believe that you still think that's a possibility. It's been seven years. The first time...you almost died the first time, Yukio. Your body is no good."
Yukio knelt down in front of Shiemi, nearly straddling her. He pushed his nose into hers and Nii-chan made an irritated noise, mimicking Shiemi's.
"You think my body's no good, huh?" He pressed his lips to hers, grabbing the back of her head and holding her with a vice grip. Shiemi slapped him hard across the face and he reeled backwards, holding his cheek. His eyes remained unfocused, but he sobered up quicker than Shiemi expected. Maybe she should hit him again for good measure, but she lowered her hand.
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
"Don't apologize. It doesn't mean anything when you're like this." Shiemi stood. "We have to get back to everyone else now."
"I can't go back."
"You have to."
"I thought I could pay for my sins, take my penance, but I keep having these dreams and thinking about it and how it felt and I can't make it feel bad. Every time I remember it, I remember it feeling right, like it was meant to be." Yukio looked up at Shiemi, no trace of the man she knew existed in that face. She looked away, ashamed. "I don't want that, Shiemi. But I'm not strong enough to fight it, not like Father Fujimoto was or like Rin is."
Shiemi looked around the room, her heart heavy. It seemed like there had been hundreds of years since she'd carried stacks of textbooks into this room, smiling at Yukio, so excited to learn. And he'd been so giving, so caring, so ready to get her prepared for a world she was certain she'd never be able to face. She remembered explaining flowers to him and showing off her favourites and he always gave her that smile she loved. He always had three smiles. One he used to placate people, a second he wore sincerely, and then a third he had just for her. It had been a hundred years since she'd seen that smile and now she was sure she'd never see it again.
"I can't tell you how to be strong, Yuki-chan, least of all how to be strong like your father or your brother. I'm fairly certain that's impossible." Shiemi gave a sad smile. "You've always been strong for others and now they don't need you, so you're lost. You need to find something that's worth fighting for, something with a heart that belongs to you and you alone."
"No such thing exists," Yukio whispered. Suddenly Shiemi had him in a hug and all the air was lost from him.
"It's you, Yuki-chan. It's your heart that you must fight for, it's you that must give yourself strength." Shiemi's voice was strong though she was shocked at the tears that fell from her eyes. She had been so certain there would never be anymore.
"Do you really believe I can do that?"
Shiemi pulled back and gave him a smile despite how much it hurt. "Of course I do. You've always been so strong and amazing, an adult since you were fourteen. But now you have to actually grow up, too."
Yukio gave her the third smile. "You know, I've been waiting for the day you became my teacher for once."
She punched him in the arm. "Don't ever do this to me again, you ass."
"Ow. Yes ma'am." Yukio stood and helped Shiemi to her feet.
Outside there was a terrible crack like thunder and the whole building shook. Yukio covered Shiemi as debris shook loose from the ceiling.
"Shit, we're too close to the gate," Yukio said.
"It's okay, we'll take the back way out. If we just stay low—" She turned and nearly walked right into Amaimon. He shoved her aside with one hand, a simple gesture, and Shiemi flew across the room breaking a self in two. She lay in a heap, blood trailing down the side of her face and tinting her hair a sickly brown. Nii-chan disappeared in a green puff.
"Shiemi!" Yukio looked to her then to Amaimon, eyes blazing.
"Hello, weakling brother," Amaimon said. "You're in a very bad place all on your own."