When They Screw Now
Call me sick but I'm writing this. Special kudos to Clive Barker(Hellraiser), Francis Ford Coppola(Apocalypse Now), Stanley Kubrick(Full Metal Jacket), Call of Duty: Black Ops(Treyarch) and the creators of South Park and The Wicker Man(1973). They rock. Watch Casey and Friends, Nyodude's Higurashi Parody Fandub(in theworldisugly1331's channel), and shadow6543's Higurashi Abridged.
Special Guest, Frank Cotton of the Hellraiser series. Note the humor may not be that fast paced as before. A sequel and more idiotic rants and ravings.
In Hinamizawa, the wind doesn't blow, it sucks!
The Watanagashi Festival, the largest and most awaited festival of rural village of Hinamizawa. At the third Sunday of June everyone comes to the festival to celebrate and gives thanks to the local deity, Oyashiro-sama. People from other places come to visit the festival including the odd tourist. One of these tourists is really odd. His name is Frank Cotton, a connoisseur of the most depraved and extreme pleasures and perversions known to man. He was never satisfied with what the world offered him for he already tasted, experimented and experienced all of it. Now he heard of the Watanagashi Festival from one of his 'friends', Mr. Slave, during yet another of their S&M sessions. Translated in English as the Cotton-Drifting Festival, it's actually known in the old days as the Intestine-Drifting Festival when people rip out some helpless little bastard's intestines. They later dumped him to the river to sleep with fishes. Not what he had in mind.
"Good evening, sir." Said a blue-eyed and brown-haired boy.
"Gyah!" Frank leaped to his feet. He didn't expect a handsome teenage boy to appear… from behind.
"Enjoying the festival?" Asked a green haired. He noticed she had one of the finest set of jugs he had ever seen in a teenager.
He replied "I certainly am."
"We don't have a lot of foreign tourists coming over here. You're quite lucky." Said the boy.
"And that's not all!" Added the girl, "You have to watch our shrine maiden, Rika Furude, perform the Watanagashi ritual!"
"Oh, when is it gonna start?"
"It's still five hours from now so how about we give you a tour around the village?" The boy offered. Frank decided whether to accept their offer or not. He answered, "Sure, why not. And by the way, what are your names?" At that, the two teens did something grand. A brilliant flash of light came before him and a studio style presentation appeared. Popping out like variety show hosts, they announced to Frank, "I'm Mion Sonozaki!" The girl came first.
"And I'm Keiichi Maebara!" The boy exclaimed. Then they spun around like ballerinas. "And we are the Games Club!" TADA! Frank was impressed.
"Games Club?"
"Yeah, it's basically what we do after school. We just play games and stuff." Said Mion.
The man decided to tell him who he is, "That was nice. I'm Frank Cotton by the way."
"Welcome to Hinamizawa, Mr. Cotton." Greeted Keiichi. "Let's show around before it starts."
So Frank was shown many places around the village, he was getting bored. Man, this is boring than watching National Geographic-S and M edition, he thought. They showed him various places of the village and . Frank was a little bored during the course of the tour. He wasn't here for the sights and sounds, or the history of this rural backwater hamlet or for the cheap, 'humane', knock-off of a historically gruesome celebration. He was here to have the greatest experience of his life. Inside his bag is harmless-looking puzzle box known as the Lament Configuration, made by some French guy named Philip Lemarchand, a maker of mechanical songbirds. The box, legend has it, is a gateway to untold pleasures to whoever solves it. The original owner gave it to him for free after doing some small 'favors' (Maybe not totally free after all). He came to Japan for two reasons. First, the guy told him he can solve it wherever he liked but for maximum effect, he must do it a place with a bloody history, a place where great death and carnage took place. There are many places in the world that fit the description such as Carthage, Missouri but what attracted to him here was the Hinamizawa's dark side, the ritualistic slaughter that took place centuries past. Second, this place was relatively obscure and no one here knows a fig about him here. He turned to Keiichi, "Mr. Maebara, where does it take place?"
The boy answered, "It takes place down at the shrine." Frank turned to Mion.
"Miss Sonozaki, you told me that instead of a live human, you people gather the old cotton from furniture and coats; then you stuff them inside a large…uh…sleeping mat?"
"A futon, Mr. Cotton," corrected Keiichi, "And a big one too."
"Oh, right, right." He stood corrected. "And finally, you present it to the shrine maiden where she gouges it with a huge hoe thing, right?"
"That's the highlight of the festival!" Exclaimed Mion. "Each person gets a ball of cotton and he or she sets it adrift on the river to absorb and 'drift away' the sins and sadness of the villagers. You wanna participate, Mr. Cotton."
Frank was silent for a few seconds. Then he replied, "I'll think about."
"Great, Mr. Cotton. Don't be late if you made up your mind." Said Keiichi.
Frank has just one more question, "Since you never practiced the true Watanagashi Festival for so many years since, what happened to the tools used back then?"
Keiichi paused for a while as though he had a brain fart. He finally said, "Hmm, the Furude family keeps them in a shed somewhere which I wouldn't tell you."
"Why not?" He asked, curiosity growing.
Mion replied, "'Cause no one's supposed to go there, that's why. Besides, we're discreet when explaining the history of our town. We don't to sensationalize anything."
Frank wanted to ask some more but he decided against it. "I see. I obviously wouldn't raid Father Brown's panty drawer if I'm not allowed." He let out a chuckle. Mion and Keiichi let out some chuckles, rather half-hearted to say the least. They were a wee bit disturbed by his 'aura of oddness.' Whatever, Frank thought. People say what I do is sin but morality is for a bunch of pussies who are too squeamish to enjoy the experience! Now the ceremony has begun and everyone watched Rika attacked the poor piece of futon and rip out its innards. Frank took pictures of the cute little shrine maiden. However, he had business to attend so he silently left the crowd. He left for the empty parts of the village. There he searched for a place to solve the puzzle in peace until he spied two people loitering around a building. One of them is platinum blond-haired woman with a green jacket and a smile that revealed nothing. The other was a muscular guy with brown hair, a baseball cap, and glasses. He carried a camera. Hmm, maybe they can join me in my little adventure, Frank mused. He approached. He approached them from the bushes. A cracking noise echoed when he walked. With that, the couple turned their heads and Frank hastily dove under the bushes. The two turned their flashlights at the direction of the sound.
"Who goes there?" The muscular guy called out in a French accent.
Frank wanted to stay down but his mind is telling him that they're no threat so he stood up. He rebuked, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I apologize for my intrusion."
The woman was initially a bit stunned but she reverted back to her calm, cat-like self, "Oh, um…we were doing something like that ourselves…" She said awkwardly.
Frank smiled and said, "I'm Frank Cotton. What's your name, sir?" Her voice has a French accent.
The man replied to him, "I'm Jirou Tomitake, I come here three times a year. I'm bird photographer."
Then the woman's turn, "I'm Miyo Takano." He asked them, "What brings you here?"
"I'm doing some research on the legends of the village, especially the lore behind the Watanagshi Festival." He then asked Jirou, "What about you?"
Jirou answered, "Well, I'm kinda helping her. We're breaking into this place, it used to be the old temple of the village's guardian deity, Oyashiro-sama, and now used to store ritual equipment." With that Frank told them what he knew from the two teens he encountered. He added, "Why doesn't anyone come here to this place anyway?"
She replied, "Only the Furude family and a handful of other people are allowed to enter. People other than the Furude clan. People other than the Furude clan would bring impurity here. Let's see what's inside." She turned to Jirou, "Let's open it."
He replied, "Alright, let's see what I can do." He lockpicked the padlock until a satisfying clunk! came out of it. Then he removed it and opened the doors. He said to them, "I'll keep watch."
There Takano shone some light into the darkness and then came a sight to behold. At the end of the hall is the statue of Oyashiro-sama, far more spectacular than the one at the shrine. All around are tools that she explained were once used in the old and gruesome days, implements of ceremonial torture and death. She explained about how most of the locals are said to be partly descended from man-eating demons, curses and murders on festival night, about how they rip out the innards while the guy is watching his own gory death and so on and so forth, but he has other things in mind. He asked them, "Hey, you two wanna join me in staying here?"
Takano raised an eyebrow, "What? Why do you want stay here? You know we can't stay here for long."
"Okay, let's get out of here." So they proceeded to go out. Frank walked slowly from behind. She got out and said to Jirou, "Okay let's go."
SLAM!
Frank slammed and quickly barred the door. The surprised Miyo got pissed and started kicking the door. "Hey! What the hell are you doing! Open the goddamned door!"
Jirou quickly restrained her and whispered, "What the hell are you doing! Trying to make a scene?"
She ignored him and ranted on, "Open the door you sonofabitch!" She made rapid fire karate-style kicks on it despite being restrained. Jirou pulled her further away and carried her to the darkness before anyone can see them. Inside the depraved pleasure seeker looked at the place with a perverse awe. Now, the moment he had all been waiting for has dawned. He is now alone. This place is perfect! He thought. Being both sacred and bloody at the same time, he seeks to add a new adjective to it: defiled. The owner told him can further raise the effect by solving it at place deemed holy—or was holy. Here people never come to this place because they are deemed impure. But Frank is impure and liking it. There he walked into the center with mocking reverence and squat on the center. He opened his backpack and took out his most prized possession-the Lament Configuration. Shone by flashlight, he was solving the puzzle with fastidious purpose, the music chiming inside it. Before this moment, he always had a lot to worry such as about the consequences such as what happens to should he be caught, the diplomatic fallout between Japan and Britain (He is a British citizen on foriegn turf after all). It longer mattered to him now. Ha! All of this those troublesome thoughts are of paltry significance. They carry little meaning and weight to me now for I will leave for the world of endless pleasure, he thought. Then came the most anticipated moment of his life: he reconfigured the last piece, a great bell tolled and the winds howled, He was glad they would come.
POOF!
Then came several hideous creatures. One of them has pins all over his head as if he had a bad acupuncture. Frank smiled with glee and admiration. Though they looked severly mutilated, Frank felt that this beings are the ultimate embodiment of the craft. But for some stupid reason, Frank decided to ask them, "Who are you?"
The pin-headed man step put, "Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others. Were you the one who summoned us?"
Frank stood up ecstatically, "Yes! I did!"
"Ah, good. We have such sights to show you, eh..."
"Frank Cotton." He supplied his name.
To which he replied, "I am the Lead Cenobite but they called me..." The stereotypical dramatic pause, "...Pinhead. Now you must come with us, taste our pleasures."
The pleasure seeker eyes widened with glee, "Oh boy! I'm ready-"
"But first," He interrupted, "the foreplay. And no tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering."
Frank obliged, "I'll be very obedient." Outside a little cicada was flying around when it heard something. Curious, it alighted on the building. There it heard the most disturbing sounds in its insignificant little life. There comes the whip. CRACK!
"Ow! Oh yes! I love it!" Frank stated in delight.
"Bend over, bitch!" Ordered Pinhead.
"OW! OW! AW! OH YES! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!"
"Okay, Frankie boy get ready for the extreme."
"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille." Then the mood change. "Uh, hooks and chains? They look dangerous." Frank squirmed.
Pinhead was annoyed, "Shut up and take like Mr. Slave."
There were screams that scared the crap out of the cute little cicada. "OH GOD OH GOD! IT HURTS LIKE HELL!"
"Get along, little slave." Another Cenobite cooed.
"OK, people. Let's pack it up and ditch this town." Pinhead reminded everyone.
"Um, wait. You still have to get rid of my-" Frank pleaded. Then came blood-curdling scream, "OH MY GOD! You're dragging me with those chains! And my skin's hooked to them!" The adventurous cicada peered inside and saw the warehouse shone with unearthly light. Inside were the Cenos preparing to jump into swirling portal of the open box. They did one by one. Then Frank got in too. He got sucked inside so hard that his head was stuck. The Cenos began tugging it so hard that his face was squeezed by the edges of the box until finally POP! He was sucked right in with a bloodcurdling scream. The cicada chirped in fright. The shack became alive with whirpools of blue light sucking the air into it. The cicada tried to fly but the whirpool swooped him inside the cube. It suddenly sealed shut. A few seconds later. It spat the poor thing out like a bad lunch. The cicada flew out of the shed and into the air.
"EEEEEEE~!" Screamed the cicada until it struck a light. Unfortunately, it was a bug light in Keiichi's house. Like a bullet it collided with the bug light wrapping it in blue lightning. It screeched in pain until it got off. It cried loudly in the dead of night when everyone is asleep. And frankly, no one cares about an electro-fried cicada. It spiralled to the ground like an airplane and landed on its head like a stubbed-out cigarette.
Anime Borat presents...
WHEN THEY SCREW NOW!
Load screen takes place showing the logo of the SOS Brigade spinning around, then a satellite image of Japan, which later zooms to the village of Hinamizawa; then to adjacent locations as well as places of interest such as the Furude shrine and Irie clinic.
"Kyon, we have a situation going on," Itsuki began the screw over, uh, I mean, voice over.
"What the hell is going on this time?" Kyon asked with a pissed tone.
"Haruhi wants to go to Hinamizawa." The video screen shows photos of crowds around the shrine as well as that of the whole village...
"You mean the notorius village which made headlines?"
"Yup. The one infamous for murder. Started while you're in middle school. " The video screen skips to newspaper clippings of about a 'dam war' and mystery murders around the village. The satellite downloads video newsfeed of latest events around the village. "Haruhi wants to investigate these mysterious murders and disappearances to give credit to the SOS Brigade."
"Uh-huh, so what did Haruhi screwed this time?" Shown now are the SOS Brigade's rooster of members and analyzed, presenting a brief description of each. Among of which includes:
Kyon, pissed off mudak conscript. Status: active and constipated.
Haruhi, megalomaniac superbitch, future fuhrer. Status: active and High!
Mikuru, big-boobed and red-head moe bimbo. Status: alive and clean.
Yuki, alien spy and cardholding member of the Communist Party. Status: Active. Defected to the CIA.
Itsuki, gayass gaylord who loves yaoi. Status: active and single...? I hope so... eww.
"Nothing really. She just wants to check it out."
"What the f-"Kyon flipped out.
"But we have other matters to attend that interests the Organization," Itsuki cut him before he could so the "f' bomb, "Three months ago, we lost contact of an agent we posted there." A roster of the Organization's agents show up and Arakawa's name is being type. Then the list is being scanned until a match is found: Arakawa appears in his butler grab with his dossier. A satellite pinpoints the coordinates of his last known location and zooms in.
"You mean the butler guy?"
"Yeah, according to intel we gathered so far he was last seen near a local KFC restaurant nearby. We need to know what happened to him and what did he found." Tsuruya's profile is uploaded, indicating school records and family businesses, among of them includes Tsuruya Pharmaceuticals. "Tsuruya's sponsoring out trip."
"Why? I hope he wasn't going there for a take out then get spirited away by a van full of terrorists." Profiles of Taniguchi and Kunikida show up. Taniguchi, in his police mugshot, states he was arrested for multiple counts of panty-raiding and posession of lolicon doujins. Kunikida, nothing turns up. No birth certificate, no medical records, no financial statements, nothing at all. Even CIA and Interpol files turn up empty.
"She has some interest to take care of there. And she brought your friends along too."
"Yeah, But nothing makes this a normal summer trip." Satellite tracks all of them in the bus there on. It is being analyzed and the heat signatures of eight passengers have shown in it. Analysis includes speed, destination, time(0940 hours and counting) and ETA(estimated time of arrival). The satellite zooms in slowly.
"Nothing is ever normal when Haruhi's around, Kyon. In fact, it might even be called normal by now."
"Hey, Mikuru. Is anything bad gonna happen within the next 48 hours?" Kyon asked Mikuru.
"Classiffied information."
"Screw that crap. What the fuck were you sent back in time for?"
"Nyoron~" The moe moaned.
"How about you, Yuki?" Itsuki asked the alien.
"Don't talk 'till we have sex, cracka." She replied.
"Oh shit, Yuki's being frigid, Kyon." The esper whined.
"Yeah, same shit, diffent day." Kyon commented, not minding Itsuki's lack of real manhood.
Loading complete. Fortunate Son plays...
A train passed the rural countryside with its gleaning rice paddies reflecting the bright sunlight of the day, giving a breathtaking of mixed deep green and cerulean blue. It was a sight to behold. Aboard the bus are only eight passengers: the SOS Brigade consisting of Kyon, Haruhi Suzumiya, Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi; the sponsor Tsuruya, the panty-perv freeloader Taniguchi, and finally the chameleon Kunikida. Haruhi was looking at the window looking bored as usual. Kyon was listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival's Fortunate Son from his Ipod, bobbing his head to the tune of the lyrics. Mikuru was thinking of nonsensical moe stuff while Itsuki is being a bishie eating a twinkie. Tsuruya and Taniguchi are playing poker to see who will lose. If he loses he'll wear a girl's summer uniform for a whole day but if she loses she'll have to dance the can-can to Taniguchi, giving him the best pantyshot dance of his life. But in any case, the odds are in favor of LOL Fang-tan since she had long gambling experience from her family trips to Las Vegas, Macau, Bahamas and Monte Carlo plus Tani being a dumbass to accept such challenge. Kunikida has something in his bag that escaped customs and stuff.
Haruhi pouted visibly when she noticed Kyon enjoying so with her usual mix of mischief and douchfaggery approached him. As he bobbed his head she carefully slip into the pocket where his Ipod's kept. And turned up the volume!
"AAAAAHH!" Screamed Kyon as the sudden rush of noise sent him diving to the floor, tearing the string of the Ipod away from his ears. He looked at Haruhi and muttered, "That hell was that for!"
"I see I've got your attention, Kyon," Haruhi said triumpantly. She then frowned, "Don't slack off. We're in the middle of the biggest case of the century. The mystery murders of the Watanagashi Festival!"
"Hey, can't I enjoy some music. Besides, we're not in Hanoi Hilton, ugh, I mean Hinamizawa yet. And what's with these stories anyway? Aren't they just urban legends designed into scaring people to the cities so real eastate companies and developers can destroy the rural lanscape?"
"My poor ignorant Kyon. You know that every year at the night of the festival, someone gets murdered brutally and someone else dissapears. It's our mission to uncover this mystey and more in this world!"
"So who are the latest suckers to deserve such fate?" Kyon asked indifferently as he stood back up. He turned off the Ipod and tuck it in his pocket.
"A tourist disappeared during last year's festival. It made headlines for a while but in the end no one has ever found him and the public forgot about it. This feels very suspicsious. I can feel something is fishy there, Kyon!" She shouted with glee.
"Hey, Haruhi," Kyon corrected her, "Please don't shout. We're still on a bus."
"Oh, your no fun, Kyon. Try to be at least, have some life in you."
"I could if this thing is just a harmless field trip. But something involving murder, disappearances, and town legends doesn't sound very benign to me."
"Whatever! Next stop: adventure!" She announced.
"Oh God," Kyon sighed and facepalmed in frustration.
"Booya, Taniguchi! You lost! Now you're gonna wear a girl's summer uniform!" Tsuruya cheered, hopping away in happiness.
"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" Tani cried anime-style as he was down on his hands and knees, now he'll be wearing a girl's school uniform for the remainder of the day. Anyway, the train is taking them to their first stop, Shishibone, before they go to the legendary town of Hinamzawa.
Several hours later...
"Come on, Kyon! We've got to double time!" Haruhi ordered Kyon, who is lagging behind the rest of the group as they climb the steps of hotel room. He was turned into their pack mule, carrying a lot of heavy equipment three times the weight carried by marines of Full Metal Jacket. He looked tired as a horse.
"Slow down, superbitch," Kyon panted heavily, "you've had me carrying all our stuff here!" He hobbled wearily up the steps, sweat all over him.
"That's unbecoming of a brigade member." She reprimanded him with her arms crossed together.
"Screw you! I mean it isn't fair! I'm carrying all the stuff and you're not even helping!"
"Oh that's right, Kyon, don't make any effort to get to the top of the stairs. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?"
"Seriously, Haruhi. I've been in this brigade for a whole freakin' year and you made me do the odds and ends of everything."
"Are you quitting on me? ARE YOU QUITTING ON ME? Well, are you? Get the hell off of the stairs or get the fuck out of my brigade! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your nuts off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Kyon, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY YAOI FAN GIRL IN AKIHABARA!" Kyon grumbled as he made his way up the steps while the Alexandrov Choir sang the Volga Boatman at the lobby below.. Humping over each step, he struggled to get his load over until they reach the their room. Song finished.
"We're here, everyone!" The brigade leader announced as she opened the door.
"Thank God," Kyon groaned loudly he dropped on the floor hard on the face.
"We're not done yet! I want you to unpack all our gear in three minutes. Pick 'em up and set 'em down, Kyon!"
"I'm tired and my back's aching. Just give us the rest of the day off?" Kyon begged.
"Hell no! Get your fat ass up there! I'll bet if there was some lolicon hentai up there you would get up there, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, Haruhi but no. I'm too tired."
"What's your excuse, Kyon?"
"I'm goddamned dizzy!"
"Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint! Jesus H. Christ! I think you've got a hard-on! I bet you're the kind of guy that would give Taniguchi some hardcore shonen-ai in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you."
Taniguchi thought, WTF!
"Itsuki!" Haruhi called out Itsuki.
"Itsuki Koizumi, reporting as ordered ma'am," he replied.
"Help this gay fag ready our stuff."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Outstanding, Itsuki . I think we finally found something that you do well." She then turned to Kyon, who is still on the floor with his face down, "Kyon, Itsuki is your roommate, and you WILL bunk with him! He'll teach you everything; he'll teach you how to eat noodles!"
"Aye, aye, Haruhi," Kyon groaned again, feeling his sanity slip away."
"Now you two ladies carry on!" She barked.
"Aye, aye, Haruhi," The two boys chanted together. Now that she is finished with her Gunnery Sergeant Haruhimann Suzumiya impression, she turns gleeful eyes to Mikuru.
"Hey, Mikuru. I'll show you to your room." She said with her rape face on.
"I can do it by my own," Mikuru squeaked.
"Oh, I insists, Mikuru." Then came lolies screaming, tsunderes laughing, struggling and Taniguchi screaming from a hard fist on his nose, all the while Kyon and Itsuki are resting in the room but the cynic made sure that the esper doesn't make his way into his pants while napping.
As for Taniguchi...
Tsuruya dragged the playboy after he got hit on the nose by Haruhi for mishandling Mikuru(frankly, Haruhi would not like it if anyone but her touches Miss Asahina). In his room, Tsuruya said to him, "Remember our bet."
Taniguchi moaned, "Awww..." The rest of the day would certainly suck for him.
An afternoon at Hinamizawa...
"Okay, guys! We're here," Haruhi announced after just having arrived to the village. Everyone else followed her from behind. Mikuru and Itsuki are walking together side by side like a dream couple. Yuki and Kunikida too. Tsuruya walked with a triumphant air while Taniguchi is weeping in the North High summer sailor uniform he wore as a part of their bet. Kyon lagged behind with equipment on his back and the Alexandrov Choir kept singing the Volga Boatman at the background.
Everyone had their own peculiar reaction to the town. Haruhi said, "I like the smell of mysteries in the afternoon. Smells like... adventure."
Taniguchi wept, "Why I'm a going to town dress up like a drag queen, especially if there are any teenage girls here?"
Tsuruya replied, "Teenage girls like crossdressers, especially if there are any teenage girls here at all." He cried again.
Mikuru asked, "Is this Hinamizawa?"
"Yup, sure is, " Kyon replied.
Meanwhile, Itsuki is making a fake voiceover, "I arrived at worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. A few tourism postcards away and hundreds of dirt trails uphill that snaked through this town like an overloaded computer plugged straight into Haruhi's obsession. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of everyone's memory, especially the memory of Haruhi Suzumiya; any more than being back in North High was an accident. There is no way to tell their story without telling my own. And if their story really is a confession, then so is mine-"
"Hey Itsuki, are you quoting a movie?" Kunikida asked. He was directly behind Itsuki, almost as if he was waiting for some action.
"Uh, no, Kunikida, I'm just musing around uselessly," Itsuki hurriedly explained.
"Oh. I thought you were quoting a movie about a guy sent on a boat trip to kill a crazy colonel during the Vietnam War based on a novella written by Joseph Conrad which was a critic of the European colonialism in Africa and adapted into screenplay by the award-winning director of the Godfather saga-"
"Okay, okay, that's enough, Kunikida!", Itsuki cut him off, "I know what you mean but no. It's just a summer trip, that's all."
"Oh, okay, "Kunikida said with the naivete of a five year-old. Without the propboy to bother him, Itsuki continued to muse. While it may be an eccentric summer trip concocted by their Brigade fuhrer, the circumstances behind Itsuki's involvement are all too similar to the movie.
A week ago in the clubroom...
Itsuki peered through the blinds of the clubroom window overlooking the outside of the school. North High... shit; I'm still only in North High... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the closed space, he thought. The clubroom consisted of the moment by Kyon, who was playing Splintercell: Conviction on an illegally obtained Xbox 360; Yuki, who is reading the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and the maid Mikuru Asahina brewing tea for the whole brigade - and praying that Miss Suzumiya is not gonna costume rape her again. Itsuki walked away from the window and went to the table to take a nap. All is tranquil until...
BOOM!
"Hey, everyone I just have the best news ever!" Haruhi came bursting through door startling everyone except Itsuki. Mikuru spilled hot tea on her boobs, causing her to cry out in pain and Kyon just got gun downed by terrorist. "We're gonna have another assignment this summer!"
"What's that suppose to mean?" Kyon deadpanned, trying hard not to explode from just being gunned by an enemy NPC due to her. You could even see his eyeballs twitch.
"This time we're going to Hinamizawa! The town is rumored to be the site of several mysterious disappearances and murders! We should investigate!"
"You mean you want us to waste another summer investigating an urban legend?"
"It's not an urban legend, Kyon. It's real!" She defended. "This is the biggest break we've ever had yet!"
"But murder and dissappearances? Are you freakin' kidding me?"
"Hell no. Besides, Tsuruya's gonna sponsor us." Just then, Tsuruya then skipped into the room happily.
"Hello, everyn'yan. Me and Haruhi were talking about what we'll do this summer. She said to me that can't think of any plans for vacation and that reminded me of Hinamizawa and she megas like it! Instead of going to the beach or out the country, we're going to the countryside, nyoro!" The green-haired girl said. Kyon suddenly remembered all those worst times with Haruhi such as Endless Eight and being trapped in a snowy mountain. Then he remembered that one time out of the country where they went to Colombia to investigate a rumored UFO crash site - and how he had to cling to dear life when they stumbled into a massive cocaine processing plant; nearly getting killed by FARC, the cartels, and Colombian military; almost turned into piranha chow; keeping Yuki from getting high and suffering from malaria and dysentery and being betrayed by their guide(whom he and Taniguchi capped in his breakfast, Pulp Fiction-style). He still remembered being on board a jeep with Itsuki at the wheel, dodging RPG fire and being chased by machine-gun carrying pickup trucks.
"And we are planning to get ready in a week," Haruhi said.
"A week? Aw..." Kyon facepalmed out of frustration. The genki girl jerkass giggled in delight. Then she proceeded to do her usual routine like annoying Kyon some more and harassing Mikuru yet again. All of this went on as Itsuki continued to rest his head on his arms.
When I was home after my first day of esper work, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my mom, until I told her "cooking sucked" on the phone.
Kyon is getting his bag ready to go home after a stressful afternoon of non sequiters with Haruhi. He didn't noticed Itsuki still laid his head on the table and he didn't care at all. Haruhi was the last to leave when she noticed it. He said to him that she'll going home and asked him if he's gonna stay here. He replied that he'll stay some more. After she reminded him to lock the door if leaves before she skipped happily home. And Itsuki continued to muse, When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the closed space. I'm here a week now... waiting for an assignment... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Shinjin sits in the cold, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.
Then Itsuki did a drunken ballet simulating combat in closed space that culminated in him smashing everything in the clubroom, drinking hot leftovered tea in intervals, and lying on the floor like a hobo cut off from welfare, all while just wearing his underwear. Meanwhile, two men from the Agency went up the stairs to pick up Itsuki.
Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like fan service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.
"This must be the place," one of them said. They opened the door and saw Itsuki on the floor and the mess he created. They poked him with a stick to see if he's still alive. He responded grabbing it and breaking it in half. However, he refused to go so they poured hot tea on his chest and he screamed like a girl.
Now they took him back to the agency where he has dinner with several officials. He greeted them and his colleauges, Keiichi Tamaru and Sonou Mori.
"Koizumi, have you ever seen this gentleman before?," He pointed to Gendo Ikari, who was sitting on a couch reading NEWSWEEK. He's a creepy guy with glasses from Evangelion. Evangelion? Why the fuck would the author do that? Sure-nuff a bizarre twist in the middle of this crap.
"No, sir." Then a General Shepherd takes the floor.
"Your report specifies intelligence/counterintelligence with Task Force Saddam," Said General Shepherd who was interrogating him. How was he still alive when Soap plug a knife through his eye? Perhaps the Agency brought him back to life when they saw his Second Life account. Task Force Saddam is Itsuki's group whose job is to monitor the crazy goddess 24/7.
"I'm not presently disposed to discuss these operations, sir," Itsuki replied since there is rumor that a highly placed mole is digging info from the Agency and passing it to its parent group, presumably Kyouko's.
"Did you not work for First Encounter Assault Recon at Fairport, USA?" Shepherd asked. Itsuki remembered that time he and the espers helped the FEAR team and Delta Force try to apprehend that crazy ghost bitch named Alma. However, she had a disturbing liking for Itsuki so he switched with Becket at the last moment, who was later screwed up literally. Ah, beauty of schadenfreude.
"No, sir."
"Did you not assasinate a Russian arms dealer in the Chernobyl area, Ukraine, June 16, 1996? Koizumi?"
"Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation... nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir." Okay, they had dinner of shrimp and steak, passing food around to each other, and discussed about losing contact with Arakawa. They played the butler esper's last transmission.
"I watched a cicada fly around the edge of hot lamp. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Flying, crying, along the edge of a hot flame... and surviving."
"His last contact was in the Shishibone-Okonomiya sector, were we posted him to investigate some certain anomalies. We believe he is still alive and he's in hell right now," Shepherd said, cutting his steak.
"Like Nikolai, sir?"
"No, you moron!" Shepherd blurted but not before his high-blood pressure calmed him down. He said, "You see, Koizumi... In this business, things are very dangerous out there. Psychotic timeboys, interfaces that sounded like wrecked Vocaloid knockoffs, yaoi fangirls, sparkly vampires. Out there in that town, with it's picture perfect location and scenery, it must be a temptation to feel like in heaven before going to hell. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have them."
"You reached yours when you lost 30,000 men in the blink of an eye and the world just fuckin' watched."
"Don't interrupt me, goddamnit-!"Oh! Oh! Oh... god!" Shephered clutched his chest. Then resumed, "He will reach his and very obviously he will be compromised, spilling years worth of sensitive information."
"Agreed, sir. Obviously dangerous."
Tamaru said, "Your mission is to proceed to Gifu Prefecture along with the SOS Brigade. Pick up Arakawa's stuff in Shishibone, analyze it and and learn what you can along the way. When you get a fix of his location, infiltrate the village by whatever means available and reacquire the butler's person."
"Reacquire the butler?" Itsuki asked.
"He is out there in captivity with people who treat their victims without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he still in the field crying out in agony." Shepherd felt sick to his stomach, knowing from rumors and random intelligence, mostly from local citizens and retards.
"Reacquire with extreme prejudice," Gendo said, being the conspiratorial bastard he is, wanting Itsuki to do the dirty work while keeping his hands clean.
"You understand, Koizumi, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist...", Tamaru concluded and offered a joint to Itsuki, he refused. And now he is about to embark on a journey to the biggest mind rape of the century.
END OF TRANSMISSION. MORE COMING SOON.