Baka no Tsundere Naku Koro ni- When Morons and Tsunderes Cry
Material from the trailer may have been cancelled, altered, reattributed or otherwise changed. Black Ops is out now! Yay! Parodies of MGS3, School Days, 'Nam movies and Monty Python AND MUCH MORE.
I know the last three chapters suck somewhat due to the pace of the action but all of that has changed here. Sadly, no one researched the internet for movies and stuff the way I do. Special belated thanks to superstarultra for the first fave and SgtHydra for the first comment. I need honest reviews from you people 'cause I've released eight chapters already and I don't wanna feel it's a waste of time.
The intro of Higurashi begins but instead of the Kai OP, Naraku no Hana, we got instead Where Have All the Flowers Gone? Seriously, why this crap? Oh well...
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing...
We see Rika Furude and Hanyuu surrounded... Aw, skip it! Let's end the song and start the fic!
At his bed, Itsuki is having a dream of a typical esper mission. That amazing thing he showed to Kyon in the closed space was just another day at the office for him.
At a recently 'sanitized' closed space(that means they killed all the celestials, cruel esper butchers!) near the Sanzenin estate, Itsuki and the rest of the espers are having a barbecue, singing songs and drinking beer. The Agency started out as a convention of paranormal research clubs that had cashed in their notebooks for abilities when Haruhi wanted espers, and gone tear-assing around the space, looking for the shit. They've given Shinjin a few surprises in their time here. What they were mopping up now hadn't even happened an hour ago," ,Koizumi thought.
"I want my meat rare, rare but not cold," Yutaka Tamaru ordered to the cook. He was strumming his guitar with the other espers while Itsuki drank beers from a nearby cooler. The Sanzenin estate was a target of Haruhi's latest rage, having gotten recently in an ultra violent flame war with Nagi Sanzenin and also getting slapped hard by Sakuya Aizawa's big-assed paper fan. Another force, led by Sonou Mori, is sweeping up the closed space at Aizawa's place. He was thinking about something while the guys talked about Nagi Sanzenin.
"She's so short," One laughed hard about Nagi's literal shortcomings.
"Yeah but her butler's one messed-up SOB. His parents sold him up to pay for their debts and now he has to work his entire life and ass off for her to pay it." Another guffawed loudly.
"What's the guy's name again?" A third asked, "Hayter? Hayate Isaac?"
"Who freakin' cares, man." Answered Yutaka.
"You won't believe that they sold him up for 150 million yen?" Said the second.
"What! Unbelievable!" Yutaka shouted, "They must be more fucked-up than those gay cowboys, huh?" He laughed so loudly that it echoed throughout the closed space. Meanwhile, Itsuki just received word that another closed space is cropping up. Another one of the smaller ones that they left alone and contained only with minimal force.
He approached him, "Yutaka, we have a situation developing somewhere out to sea." He handed him a laptop showing the map of the new space. Yutaka stopped merrymaking and looked at the screen. He frowned.
"That island you're pointing at is kinda hairy, Itsuki," Yutaka said.
"What do you mean hairy, sir ?" He asked puzzled.
"It's hairy. Got some pretty heavy energy there. I lost a few sliders there now and again. What's the name of that goddamn island? Rockerjam, Ryoko Gym? Damn privately-owned islands all sound the same." He then turned to one member of his posse, Archer from Fata/Stay, "Archer, do you know anything about that point at Rokkenjima?"
Archer replied, "Yes, sir. It's a fantastic peak."
"Peak?" His interest went up.
"About six foot. It's an outstanding peak. It's got both the long right and left side, with a bowl section that's unbelievable. It's just tube city." One thing about esper operations is that whenever a close space pops out somewhere, the Agency's people race there to kill celestials. A side benefit is that if the space is an alternate dimension of a scenic spot, they party afterwards before they destroy it. It most certainly beats going to the beach or planning a vacation to some far-off paradise since it's cheap very compared to the real thing, thanks to economic buttsecks from Wall Street(when he's not torturing or raping people in Silent Hill, Pyramid Head works as an investment banker in New York). And many like surfing though sadly for them, any closed space with a beach they ever came is total crap.
Yutaka raged, " Well, why didn't you tell me that before, a good peak? There aren't any good peaks in every shitty coastal closed space we came. It's all goddamned beach break!"
"It's really hairy in there, sir. That's where we lost Souji Seta while he was flying like crazy. They shot the hell out of us there. That's Shinjin's point." Archer cautiously.
"Whose island is it anyway?" Asked Rise Kujikawa, AKA Risette.
"Some rich family named the Ushiromiyas," answered Itsuki, "Apparently, one of their scions, Battler, pissed Miss Suzumiya on the existence of aliens in MySpace. When they made a bet, he shouted 'Objection!', pissing her off."
"So she wants to destroy that little private island? I ain't surprised." Orange-kun commented.
Itsuki looked at Yutaka and suggested, "Sir, we can go there tomorrow at dawn. We can catch them off-guard in the morning."
"We may not be able to catch all of them with their pants down." Orange-kun added, "There's just to damn many of them."
Yutaka pauses for a moment to consider. "We'll get ready at the first light of dawn and land on them like hard pigeon crap. We are the Agency, people. Espers! We can take that point and hold it just as long as we like, and we can get any place up that island that suits us all. Hell, a six-foot peak!" He turned to Itsuki, "Koizumi, go with Archer and let him pick out a board for you. And bring me my Yater Spoon, the eight-six. Hey, everybody! We're gonna surf!" Many espers cheered hysterically like fangirls of bishonen anime.
Archer hesitated, he could barely move. Yutaka looked at him, "What is it, Archer?"
He warned, "It's pretty hairy in there. It's Shinjin's Point."
Yutaka shouted, obviously tired of his worried whining, "Shinjin don't surf!" Everyone packed up and began leaving.
The next morning at the assembly area and under the predawn darkness, the espers got ready to fly to the closed space. All of them began charging up Dragonball-style. Others load themselves on mecha rip-offs coming from Gundam, Code Geass and Evangelion. As they did, Yutaka, wearing a Stetson hat; khaki pants with boots and a pink T-shirt that said I LOVE OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB and sunglasses, turned to Randy Orton piloting a Glasgow, "How are you feeling, Randy?"
"Like a mean motherfucker, sir!" He replied excitedly.
"Okay, everyone," Said Ric Flair, "Saddle up! Lock and load!" Everyone lifted off and began flying in attack formation into the rising sun just like in that Band of Brothers scene where those planes flew into the night, only it took place in daytime.
Minutes later...
The espers flew over the over the sea like UFOs on their final approach to Rokkenjima. Yutaka said to Itsuki, "It's a Godsend that we got a beach with good surfing waves for free. I wanna surf in Hawaii or LA but the goddamned world economy crapped all over us last 2008."
"I know," Itsuki replied, "I can't even book a flight to New York without looking at my check book every now and then. And I had to switch to Geico fifteen times to save money on my life insurance."
A Gundam esper reported to Yutaka, "We've got it spotted," confirming that they've spotted the island.
"Put on heading 270, assume attack formation.," Yutaka responded over the radio.
"That's a roger. Ok, we're going in," the pilot acknowledged.
He turned back to Itsuki, "We'll come in low, out of the rising sun, and about a mile out, we'll put on the music."
"Music?" Itsuki asked.
"Yeah, I use Wagner - scares the hell out of the shins! My boys love it !" He then began giving the orders as they entered the closed space, "Teabag Thrust, put on psy war op. Make it loud. This is a Romeo Fox Trot. Shall we dance?" As soon as he said it, the mechas turned on their loudspeakers and began playing Richard Wagner's Ride of The Valkyries, making it feel like a total rip-off of the Apocalypse Now helicopter scene. Someone should seriously sue the author of this fic.
At the island in the middle of the closed space, the Celestials are enjoying lounging around the place before they destroy it under Haruhi's rage. Only it won't be a walk in the park for them when one Shinjin spotted the espers.
"Shit! It's the crack angels! Run for you're lives!" It shouted, waking them the rest up from their violent destruction filled fantasies. It wasn't kidding when they appeared in the cold blue sky since they really looked like angels on crack. Then came the violent attack scene that's full of orgasmic explosions. The Shinjin began rising out to meet them and espers got closer and closer... closer... while Wagner's work played on...
BOOM!
The invading crack angels fired at the offensive shapeless blobs. Some tried to smack them but espers began piercing through them while their mechas provide covering fire, the mansion's windows explode with more Celestials, man-sized, jumping into the ground, some of the mecha pilots firing their weapons on the Celestials enjoyed the vibration of their weapons as they mowed them down. Frantic radio calls everywhere as some espers are taking fire from the ground while others are reporting scoring hits. The song blared maniacally. Other espers and mechas land on the island and began fighting the other Celestials.
"Run, Shinjin!" shouted Archer.
"We're over the mansion right now," said Oji Karasuma to Yutaka when he saw something from the caved-in roof of the mansion, "We're gonna check it out." When he saw who it is, he added.
"I think I see a person down, I'm gonna check it out." He said, surprised.
"Well done, Karasuma. Well done." He ordered to a Knightmare Frame, "want some plasma cannons right along those tree-lines. Ripple the shit out of them."
"Got a man in the room," Ric said, "An esper inside. They're moving him out."
"Roger. Clear the area. I'm coming down myself." He replied and turned to Itsuki, "Don't these amorphous beings ever give up?" He then dived and shot laser balls out of his hands killing them. At the mansion some espers alight to the man inside and found out it is Souji Seta, screaming after having spent weeks in the closed space as a Celestial butt-love slave.
"Please, don't touch me! Please! Don't touch me! No! NO! Keep your dirty hands away from me!" he screamed hysterically as they pinned him on the ground. Just as they did, a Celestial popped out.
"ALALALALALALAH!" It ululated and exploded, killing them.
"Death to America! Uh, I mean, death to espers!" Shouted another. Then it got its ass blasted to kingdom come by a cannon, what's left of it is large smoking crater. Meanwhile, Itsuki and Yutaka flew over the water.
"What do you think?" He asked excitedly.
Itsuki replied enthusiastically, "It's really exciting, man!"
"No, no! The waves!" He pointed to the water.
"Oh, right." Itsuki stood corrected.
He went on, "Look at that, breaks both ways. Watch. Look! Good six-foot swells!" He made a motion of the waves splitting apart, "Whoosh!"
They landed and joined the rest of the espers mopping up the ground opposition. They both surveyed the battlefield.
"Incoming!" shouted an esper. Everyone dove except Yutaka as a large rock misses them by bare inches. Everyone got up thinking it's safe but a handful of them several yards behind got hit by a flying Gundam flung by Shinjin, exploding and sending blood and guts everywhere.
"This L.Z. is still pretty hot, sir. Maybe you ought to surf somewhere else." Said Archer landing beside Yutaka.
"What do you know about surfing, Archer? You're from the goddamn future," The crazy pink T-shirt wearing esper replied, annoyed. He whistled over to two espers, "I wanna see how rideable that stuff is. Go change."
"It's till pretty hairy out there, sir." Replied one of them. At the back, an Eva is humping a Shinjin at the rear end.
"You wanna surf, boys?" He asked. They nodded meekly. Satisfied, he went on, "That's good son, because you either surf or fight. That clear?" They nodded again.
"Go on, get going." He ordered. They ran to the water uneasily with surf boards.
"Don't you think it's a little risky for R&R ?" Itsuki asked worriedly. The two surfing espers were promptly eaten by large sharks, their high-pitched girlish screams of agony ignored in the heat of battle.
Yutaka replied, tough-guy style, "If I say it's safe to surf this beach, Koizumi - it's safe to surf this beach. I'm not afraid to surf this place, I'm not afraid to surf this fucking place." He stripped off that T-shirt and hat. Then he went to an esper with a radio on his back. "Give me that R-T, boy."
He ordered a radio message to a mecha, "Blah, blah-blah-blah. Blah, blah. Bomb 'em back to the stone age, son." The mecha, a Gundam, dropped a big barrel of gunpowder with a smoking fuse on the center of the island. It exploded in a mushroom cloud rocking the island, killing all the Shinjin... and any espers and mechas still in the air. Everywhere, the Agency espers and Mecha pilots cheered like idiots despite the heavy loss of over 9 million personnel.
An esper screamed, "AHHH! IT BURRRNS!"
The victory beach party in the Rokkenjima closed space was fantastic! Lounging in the beach listening to Beach Boys, playing volleyball, building sand castles, fishing, paragliding, barbecues, lighting up fireworks and cruising through the waves with a cold blue sky in the background.
"Hey, this feels like surfing on Neptune, man!" Archer said as he rode the waves.
"Hell no, this feels like surfing on Uranus!" Blurted Karasuma cruising beside him. At the beach Yutaka is relaxing on the sand with his stinky feet spread out.
"You like this, Itsuki?" He asked, sunglasses obscured his eyes.
"Feels pretty great," He replied as he opened a can of Budweiser, "It's like your having an outer space summer party."
"I hope this never ends, Koizumi. I hope this never ends." Yutaka obviously enjoyed the perks due to lax disciplinary measures set up by the Agency. Itsuki meditated, If that's how Yutaka fought the Celestials, I began to wonder why we really have to watch Haruhi Suzumiya 24/7. It wasn't just instability and Genkiness, there was enough of that to go around for everyone. He looked at the dark blue sky as everyone just partied until... strumming of guitars and the blowing of trumpets...
I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no
The beginning lyrics of Satisfaction prompted him to pop awake. The song was playing loudly from Kyon's Ipod. He breathed heavily.
When I'm drivin' in my car
And the man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to drive my imagination
Kyon is standing near the mirrror in the bathroom. He turned to Itsuki, "Koizumi, you're awake. Better get some chow 'cause were taking another sweep into that village."
"Oh, yeah. Right." The cynic reminded him of his mission. As he got up and went down with him to fill his stomach, he though of one thing: getting back into the village. Meanhile, Kyon went down and got some chow with the rest of his friends.
Haruhi announced, "Today is day one of our mission. Our first order of the day is to continue our investigation of the murders."
"You mean to start our investigation," Kyon butted in, "We barely start anything yesterday. All we got is a brief tour of the village and an introduction of the local tourism committee."
"Yeah, they've lead us away from the real deal. The murders!" She stood up and thrust a fork into the air.
"Hey, don't rush. That was some mandatory PR they did. You don't like it when someone's dissing your home." He deadpanned. He doesn't want his fine breakfast to be ruined.
"Or looking into his dirty little secrets." Haruhi sang.
"You're hooked to those murders are you, and especially the disappearance of that tourist."
"Hey, is it too much to ask. The case is closed but still fresh. And it may propel us to fame!"
"Shouldn't we leave it to the authorities? It's a bit crazy to do that on our own." Kyon suggested.
"Kyon," Haruhi looked at Kyon with suspicious eyes, "We can't trust the authorities. They don't like independent investigators like us and may even be bought off by the perps of the crime."
"Oh, brother," He muttered in frustration facepalming.
"It's no real matter.
"Regardless, we gotta be cautious," Itsuki reminded. "I don't think the locals like it when we butted in like rabid buffaloes into the matter."
Kyon turned to Tsuruya, "Tsuruya, where'd you get the idea about going to Hinamizawa, anyway?"
"It's a long story but I'll tell anyway, nyoro," She said happily. Then she recounted the tale.
Ten days ago at school...
Tsuruya was finally able to go home to school when she encountered a women on her way to the cheese shop. She looked a bit MILFy and wore a a pink dress with a wide white sun hat.
"Good afternoon, miss," the woman greeted her.
"Good afternoon, nyoro," She returned the greeting.
"Um, are you Miss Tsuruya?" She asked politely.
"Yes?" SHe chirped revealing her fang, "What's cooking?"
"Are you a part of the SOS Brigade?"
"No but I'm one of its sponsors."
"Oh, I saw you on the back of a DVD film called the Adventures of Mikuru Asawhatsoever."
"That's Asahina, lady!" Tsuruya snapped a bit, not liking anyone to diss her friends name despite the fact she pimped her to Haruhi.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, "my name is Julia Cotton. And I need their assistance."
"What for, nyoro?" She asked.
"Please look at this, Miss Tsuruya," Julia Cotton said sadly. She handed her some newspapers. It read, BRITISH TOURIST DISAPPEARS ON LOCAL FESTIVAL. Another read, FOREIGNER FEARED DEAD, MURDERED, ANTI-DAM FACTIONS TO BLAME. A third one read, JAPAN AND BRITAIN ALMOST DECLARE WAR OVER TOURIST ROW. "These were from last year." Tsuruya read the fourth one, a British tabloid, CHAP VANISHED IN JAPAN LIKES THINGS KINKY.
"You know this guy?" She asked, no change in her cheery voice.
"He's a relative of mine," She replied. "I'm told his body was never found. But I don't believe it." Her voice raged, "And to top it all off, the tabloids all came along, concocting all kinds of stories about him. It's very repulsive of them."
She looked at her, "Wooh, I see. So want the SOS Brigade to solve his disappearance?"
"Yes," her voice was a bit stronger, "Solve his murder and clear his name. I want him justice for him."
"I see," Tsuruya said, "I'll see if there available for this summer."
"Please tell them to call off all their other appointments." She pleaded, "I want this resolved before the trail goes cold and justice is lost forever. How much should I pay them?"
"Pay, huh? I'll tell Haru-nyan about it and you can keep your pay until we solve it."
"Thank you, Oh thank you, I'll pay them four times then I planned to right now."
"Okay, I'll be on my way to the cheese shop. I'll be sure to tell her before summer starts. Bye!" She waved her good bye and went on to get her daily supply of smoked cheese. Julia cotton smiled evilly, Don't worry, my Frank. We'll be together again. I've got rid of my idiot husband and your snotty niece Kirsty. I love you Frank.
End of story...
"What!" Haruhi almost screamed, "You didn't bring her to me?"
"What was I supposed to do," Tsuruya chirped, "I gotta get my daily those of cheese."
"You should skipped the cheese and brought her to me. I should have had her down payment."
"I'm sponsoring the trip so you don't have to worry about expenses. We'll divide the dough when we find that tourist guy."
"Okay, good point." Haruhi happily agreed. She then turned to the rest of the Brigade, "Okay, everyone. Today, enjoy your breakfast 'cause tonight, we dine in hell!"
"We're going to Hinamizawa, Haruhi, not hell," Kunikda reminded her.
"Oh, yeah," Haruhi went back on track, "Let's just finish our food and get dressed." Everyone finished their food and left the table. She then turned to Mikuru, "But for you, Mikuru, I've got a special dress for you."
"I think I'll pass..." Mikuru said daintily, knowing what would happen next.
"Come on, Mikuru, You'll look adorable in it." She then pounced on the moe ginger. Then came a scuffle filled with Haruhi's giggles and Mikuru's cries and screams.
"No! Miss Suzumiya! Please!" She wailed.
"I'm just here to help you put it on," Haruhi whined. As they continued to do this, Kyon went to the bathroom to pick some pills from his pocket. When he opened it, he realized it was empty, MUCH TO HIS HORROR!
What! he thought. He dug into his pockets. Empty again! He went out to get his bag and ransacked it. Nothing. SHIT! This can't be! The only reason he was able to keep himself under control under the rambunctious Haruhi and tolerate the insanity around him are his anti-psychotic pills. He could not stand a week with Haruhi after Endless Eight without them and something more. Something he had hid for so long. He started to hyperventilate, knowing he had to make do with something. He reached into his full medkit and grabbed a bottle full of anti-stress pills. They suck compared to his counter-psycho meds but they'll have to do. He popped some into his mouth and took a swig from his canteen.
At Firebase Haruhistan...
The chibis had been digging all night with Mr. Kimidori, Shamisen, and Muu-chan. It's been one long for them 'cause their eyes are all red and bleary. But Churuya doesn't seem tired at all. Her red and bleary eyes make her look evil. They've set the camp into a fortress, which would have impressed Haruhi for sure. The entire gang was all pooped up but Churuya and Achakura are still busy setting up sandbags. She asked, "We still have more sand from the digging last night. How are we gonna get rid of it all in time?"
"Don't worry, Achakura. I've got a plan." Churuya grinned creepily as they filled yet another one. Meanwhile, some thugs in gray jumpsuits are watching them in the foliage.
Marching into town...
He thought, Somebody once wrote: 'Hell is the impossibility of reason.' That's what this place feels like. Hell. I hate it already and it's only been a day. Some goddamn day, Imouto ..., he checked the time in his watch, It's 8:30 AM. He went on, ... the hardest thing I think I've ever done is to go on point, as many as three times per adventure - I don't even know what I'm doing. A goon from the village could be standing 3 feet in front of me and I wouldn't know it, I'm so tired. According to her schedule, we get up at 5 a.m., hump all day, go back at around 4 or 5 p.m., exchange clues and theories, eat, then put out an all-night ambush or a 2-man listening post at the edge of the village. It's scary cause nobody tells me how to do anything cause we're new and the villagers don't care about us outsiders, they don't even want to know your name. The unwritten rule is an outsider's life in Hinamizawa isn't worth as much cause he hasn't put his time in yet - and they say if you're gonna get killed in the 'Nam it's better to get it in the first few weeks and be instant, the logic being: you don't suffer that much. I can believe that ... If you're lucky you get to stay in the hotel at night and then you pull a 3-hour guard shift, so maybe you sleep 3-4 hours a night, but you don't really sleep ... I don't think I can keep this up for a week, Imouto - I think I've made a big mistake coming here ... Aw, hell. Haruhi forced me into this shit anyway.
The brigade trudged along the road when. Mikuru wept like a baby, "Miss Suzumiya, this is embarrassing."
"Don't say that, Mikuru. You're the SOS Brigade mascot and it's your duty to promote the Brigade everywhere we go. And we have to dress you up real nice so everyone with sway their heads to us." She pointed her finger flamboyantly to the direction of the village with one hand on her hip. Mikuru cried even more.
"I feel so wonderful today," Taniguchi chimed happily, "The birds are in the air and the sun is shining, plus I'm not wearing that sailor uniform anymore."
Tsuruya looked at him with a catlike smile, "Hey, Tani-kun, wanna play poker again?"
"Sorry, I'm not in a mood for poker today," He replied happily.
"Okay, but I'll give you this Hustler magazine if you win." She tempted him with an extra provocative issue of the mag.
"Sorry, but I cannot ruin this wonderful day with my penchant for porn." He sang back. Tsuruya grumbled, seeing no opportunity to torment him. Meanwhile, Kyon and Itsuki filled in the blanks in their situation.
"So... he investigated an anomaly involving this town, right?" Kyon asked.
"Exactly, but we need to find Arakawa's whereabouts to know more."
"We could asked some the villagers. And we can move to town after that."
"Alright, but we need to be discreet. We can't trust some of them. Especially, those kids."
"Understood. Eyes open."
"And we should try to keep Suzumiya-san safe-"
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you." Kyon replied sourly. He hates Haruhi and doesn't want to hear another word about keeping her safe. He turned to Yuki, "Yuki, sense anything wrong?"
"Yes," she replied, "There's a presence of an unknown force here. We should be careful. It's quite powerful and... kinky."
"Alright, everyone," Kyon said to the other two. Let's keep our shit tight. Stay frosty." They marched down the road during this sunny morning. A morning that lies about the craziness and black comedy coming for them.
Earlier at Rika's house...
5:35 AM. The sun is rising and Rika Furude woke up ahead of Satoko and Satoshi, their legal guardian, so she could her early morning happy hour. She rummaged through the fridge for an expensive German Bernkastel.
POP!
The cork flew and now she's drinking to her health. "Ah," she sighed with satisfaction, "nothing like a good red wine to start the day." She sipped some more when Hanyuu whined.
"Hau~, hau~! Rika, I've got something important to show you!" she shrieked.
"This better be good, Hanyuu," Rika frowned, "You're interrupting my early morning happy hour." She doesn't like it when that happens.
"Quick, I'll show to the shed." They both walked out of the house and into the Saiguden with Rika trudging drowsily, pissed about Hanyuu. They realized that the lock's broken.
"Someone broke into the shed," Hanyuu whined like a baby.
"What? Why would anyone break in there? It's just torture equipment that would put the Spanish Inquisition to shame." Rika complained.
Then three priest dressed in red jumped in front of them and shouted, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
They were both suprised, "What the hell!"
Father Micheal Palin said, "Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again-"
"Hey, hey, wait a minute," Rika butted in, "What the hell are you all doing here? I didn't even said 'I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.'"
The three priests were brought back to their senses, "Really?" They said in unison.
"Yeah, and this is the wrong show you're on," she continued.
They looked at each other in and let out an embarrassed, "Okay..." They jumped back to the bushes.
"I'm glad that's over," Hanyuu said. They went on their business and opened it, revealing in the dawn light the wonderful collection of torture instruments it contained. In the center of the room is a bag.
"Look," Hanyuu said, pointing to the bag. They saw bloody scratch marks near it.
"What happened here? Did you do this, Hanyuu?" She asked in a dead serious tone. "You know how hard it is to clean this place up during the spring."
"Hau~ no, Rika. That's why I brought you here," she whimpered again. They both went to the bag and rummaged through its contents. Among of them were condoms, an BDSM magazine called Dicks and Whips, Marquis de Sade's The 120 Days of Sodom and it's sequel, 240 Days with Dokura-chan... Yeah, God Hates Me, some gay porn, a map, a tour book and some Viagra.
"Jesus Christ, this guy's a total sicko. Was he looking for an Hook and Whip club here?" Then a glint of light caught Hanyuu's sight. She stepped forward and saw a puzzle box. The horned deity felt shivers down her spine when she saw it. She picked it up and turned to Rika.
"Look Rika," she handed her the box.
Rika's eyes widened with disbelief and snapped, "What! A Rubik's Cube! You interrupted my drinking session for a goddamned puzzle box?"
"It's not just any Rubik''s Cube and he never even made this thing!" she warned, "it's a gateway to hell!"
"You mean that thing's a-" But before Rika could continue, the rooster crowed, "Oh shit! I gotta clean up before Satoshi wakes up and prepares breakfast." She doesn't like to get caught with an alcoholic drink on the table. She and Hanyuu hastily tidied everything up and ran back into the house.
Back to the later timeline...
The party went to the camp and there eyes were wide open when they saw it: the camp is fortress with a sandbag-reinforced trench circling a half-buried sandbag-and-log bunker. Barbed wires covered the edges of the trench and two tents flanked the bunker. The entire camp's festooned with foliage and camo netting; the signpost on the bunker's entrance read 'SOS BRIGADE'. Haruhi was impressed. Her bulged with surprise.
"OMG! That's wonderful!" She was breathless.
"That's nothing, Haruhi-san," Said a dirty Achakura coming out of one of the tents. "We learned it from worse case scenario training."
"Yeah, we did it with all the goodness of our hearts," Said Churuya, also dirt-stained, coming out with her.
"Splendid! I hereby declare you members of the SOS Brigade!" She raised her hands skyward like Heil Hitler salute.
"Um, Haruhi, they're already members," Kyon reminded her. "They've been hanging around with us since the club started."
"Kyon," Haruhi fumed, "These people have never been included in the official roster. Now, they earned it for tirelessly giving their services to me, doing better than you. Now move your ass in and get us settled." Kyon grumbled as he moved in first. He stepped in and...
"AAAAHHH!" He screamed as a leaf-covered lasso caught his ankle and flung him into the air, his voice echoing until until he landed hard in the distance.
"Ops, I should told him where our traps are," Churuya chuckled with a finger on her lip.
"Wow..." The god commented, "Lead the way."
"Okay," said Achakura, "this way, please." She lead them through the camp and into the bunker.
After a rather awkward silence, Kunikida approached Haruhi, "Um, Haruhi, can I go get Kyon?" Haruhi mulled over that question for while before she approved.
"Sure, I've got more shit that needs to be done," she begrudgingly approved. She does need Kyon for other stuff. At that Kunikida went off to find Kyon. As some he found him, the first on sight meeting has began.
"Okay," Haruhi began, "Our first order of the day is to gather intel about the current situation. We know a tourist had disappeared last year. Does anyone else have any ideas?" She looked at everyone inside the bunker. Mikuru is preparing tea in the background the way British Tommies did back in North Africa... with sand and motor oil.
"Yeah," said Kyon, "from what I've heard, the murders have started four years ago. During the dam dispute where some guys where out drinking, got a little too much and killed each other. It's been the trend ever since, murder and insanity."
"That's good, Kyon," she replied considerably impressed, "You did your research quite well."
"I would have never done it if we didn't know that we'll be coming here," he deadpanned.
"Okay," she continued, "anybody else have ideas?"
"Yes," Itsuki raised his hand, "I'm thinking about how are we gonna find this Frank Cotton guy."
"That's easy. We will just asked questions about his whereabouts and activities prior to his vanishing."
"Shouldn't we be a little more discreet." The cynic cautioned. Kyon distrusted country hics for reasons we will explore later on. "How about those fucked-up villagers?"
"Kyon's right, we can't repeat what happened yesterday," Itsuki joined in, "they may feel suspicious about us. I wouldn't surprised if they're on to us now." Just as he said it, everyone turned their heads to the window and saw two silhouettes diving quickly into the bush. Then they continued.
"And don't forget about they promised to continue the tour for us yesterday," Kyon added, "we could get some valuable info about our situation. After that we'll have to resort to covert means of intel-gathering."
"That's a great idea, Kyon," Haruhi exclaimed, "whoever thought of that."
Mikuru lurched forward and said, "What about the people here? I think I'm scared of them."
"Yeah... you're quite right." Haruhi thought about that. Then she smiled, "Then we could use you as bait to draw the culprits out." Mikuru whimpered and quivered in fright. She does not like being turned into slasher movie bait.
Taniguchi looked at Mikuru leeringly, "Don't worry, Mikuru. I'm right by your side." He had smile that was supposed to make girls faint in ecstasy but instead, would make women scream 'bloody murder'.
Haruhi fumed when the playboy leaned to her moe bimbo and said, "On second thought, we could use you as bait." She gave him dagger looks. Taniguchi felt the life drain out of him and felt his hands cupping his crotch. Surely, Haruhi would castrate him if he approached Mikuru like that again. Tsuruya, ignoring Tani, raised her hand.
"Okay, Haruhi, how about smoked cheese?" She asked, "is there any smoked cheese?"
"You didn't pack any of that stuff before we left, do you?" She asked with one eyebrow raised.
"No," LOL Fang-tan answered happily with all honesty.
"Sorry, they don't have that stuff here." Haruhi replied.
"Nyoron~", she wailed. No smoked cheese? Poor Tsuruya. She'll have to settle with the ordinary variety.
"And anything else?" The Brigadefuhrer looked around the bunker for anyone with ideas. Yuki raised her hand.
"Yes, Yuki. What kind of ideas do you have?" She asked her.
"We should watch out for the Sonozaki Family. I have a feeling they're running this show." She replied quietly.
"Really...?" Haruhi contemplated the thought and it hit her, "You're right, Yuki! We should have suspected that Mion girl in the first place!"
Oh really, Kyon thought with sarcasm, Mion looked like she command an army way better than you, Haruhi.
I heard that, Haruhi mentally replied to Kyon.
Fuck.
"So, Yuki. How sure are you?" She continued with here.
"About 98.54567890 percent," she replied. Meanwhile, Itsuki has a random flashback about how Makoto Ito stole the Temporal Plane Destruction Device from Mikuru and got more than what he bargained for.
Metal Gear Makoto: Death Eraser
Terminator theme... Ta-dum, Ta-ta-dum Ta-dum Ta-ta-dum
In a jungle, a flash and sphere of light appeared a la Terminator in a clearing. It created in electrical storm that lasted for a few seconds before revealing a crouched figure clad in an old-fashioned Japanese boys' uniform or gakuran. He slowly stood up and it is revealed that he is Makoto Ito, mild-mannered school boy and lover of many. His mission: changed the past. He had his head looped off by an insane Kotonoha, got stabbed to death by Sekai, watched them commit suicide, or got his head blown off by Setsuna's dad's shotgun after getting her pregant and then some. No longer. He will changed the past once and for all.
Terminator theme stops...
With his head up high in resolve, wanting to undo the wrongs he had done in his life.. and try some new sex moves. He stole a time device from a ginger maid when he infiltrated a gathering in a another school. He was able to get away from a mad yellow ribbon-headed girl with only minutes to spare. He wore the gakuran to give him some anonymity when he entered a cosplay cafe as Sosuka Sagara in the North High Culture Fest. He surveyed the area and looked at the TPDD. He realized with shock about his error... he was in 1964, The Soviet Union.
"SHIT! I DIDN'T SET THE TIME AND COORDINATES RIGHT!" He looked at the TPDD's interface so he find some instructions on how to work it when a young Relvover Ocelot came with a squad came out of the bushes.
"Who the hell is this, guy?" Said the pistol-spinning Spetnasz to one of his men.
"I don't know, sir," replied a soldier, "maybe one of the Boss' men." Makoto realized that he is in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. He made on his best CQC pose to intimidate them.
"Don't try me, I know CQC," he warned.
"Oh yeah," Ocelot replied, "I can bust a cap on your ass before you do." Good point. He's got his two Colt Single Action Army pistols pointed at him.
"Okay... maybe we got off on the wrong foot... My name is Makoto Ito, Mr. Ocelot-," But before he can conclude, some shots rang out.
"Shit! It's Snake!" Shouted Ocelot. He and his men return fire.
"Oh look at the time," Makoto said to them, "I have to go now! Bye!" He made a 360 dgree turn and run as fast as he could, leaving speed lines.
Upon realizing that Makoto is trying to get away, he ordered to two Spetnasz guys, "You two, don't let him getaway!"
Yes, sir!" They both replied as they gave chase. The scene switched to gameplay as Makoto's his alert level is 99.99 and enemy soldiers chased him. He checked his inventory. Only the TPDD is in it. What's he gonna do now? Just this. Makoto quickly crouched down and let the soldiers pass, he waited until his alert went down to zero. He then CQCed the last soldier to leave until he gave out floating boxes that contained weapons and ammo. He picked them up and acquired an AK47, a M1911A1 and some grenades. He turned to a trail where he fought a squad, buying him some time and raising his alert level again. Toggling his first- and third-person view modes to alternatively fight and get away, he reached a camp in the woods and hid in a warehouse. Meanwhile, the soldiers are frustrated at letting him get away.
"Where'd he go?" Shouted one of them as the combed the camp. As they searched the warehouse, they noticed nothing unusual save for a cardboard box. Question marks appear over their heads as they checked the box. Inside, Makoto is struggling to operate the TPDD. He was halfway through when flipped it open.
He looked at them with abashed looks, "Uh... hello, comrades?" He smiled nervously.
They laughed evilly and said, "Hello, to you too. We have someone who likes to meet you." He gulped as he thought of Volgin, the sadistic, bisexual, GRU colonel who control electricity and is the game's second to last boss. But the TPDD is ready and he could leave now.
"Oh look at the time," he said to them excitedly, "gotta go!"
"Hey! You're going anywhere-!" But they got fried when he disappeared in a ball of lightning. Now he reappeared in Volgin's base... in the middle of the most epic chase and battle ever.
"Oh shit, not again!" He muttered as Naked Snake and Eva wheezed by him by motorcycle... and Volgin's Shagohod as rushing at him like a raging bull. Snake fired his RPG at it and scored a hit-inches away from Makoto's head-causing the tank to spin out of control.
"This is the end for me," he proclaimed as the thing spun around in the air and landed inches away from. Seconds, later he opened his and shouted, "Woohoo! I'm saved!" And he got trampled by Russian soldiers chasing Snake and Eva.
"OWW! AHHHH! UGGHH!" He growled in pain as the TPDD activated again.
"Makoto! You created a time paradox!" Shouted Roy Campbell as the boy jumped into the timestream and into another era... WW2.
Call of School Days: Makoto's at War
Now Makoto has appeared in Berlin inside the flaming Riechstag. Russian soldiers are forcing their way into the building as SS troops defended it fanatically with epic Russian orchestral hard rock playing in the background. He stood dumbfounded until a German soldier accosted him, "What ze fuck are you doing! Fallback or I'll shoot your arse!"
Apparently, Makoto is mistaken for a SS trooper due to his gakuran resembling their black dress uniforms. Just as he turned, the Russians fired at him and hit the SS guy. "Show courage! Show strength! Show pride! But show no mercy!" Roared Viktor Reznov.
"Move forward, comrades! Show no mercy to these rats!" he shouted again, firing his PPSh-41. Makoto retreated, barely dodging the bullets. Taking cover, he fired his AK47 at the onrushing communist hordes. They replied with more gunfire and Molotv cocktails.
"Jesus Christ!" he said is he nearly got roasted by those flaming bottles of doom. He fired his AK47, threw some grenades and docked for cover, the Russians were shocked. He heard someone say, 'Keep moving! I'll handle this myself.' He crept out of hiding place to see Reznov's epic beard!
"You're not getting away from, you scum!" He growled. He brandished his combat knife, which looked like a bloody cleaver.
"ARRRGGGH!" He screamed and ran for his their life, dodging his combat cleaver. He ran into SS positions but they threw him back to the Russians since they thought he's retreating. He pushed the keys of the TPDD when Petrenko fired his SVT-40 at him. Instinctively, he fired back and filled his chest with AK bullets. Then a dramatic slo-mo sequence started: Dmitri falling on his back is he got struck, the fall echoed throughout the building and Reznov shouting 'NO!' in slo-mo.
"Makoto! You created a Time Paradox!" Roy shouted again.
Everything goes back to normal speed as Reznov shouted, "You fascist rat! You will burn in hell!" He chased him again with his big-assed knife. Makoto screamed like a girl as he chased him to the track of Benny Hill. Seriously, does Kotonoha have Russian blood? He got to the top and threw himself off the Reichstag, just seconds before he hit the ground did the TPDD send him to another era.
Never Get Out Of the Nice Boat
Makoto found himself in yet another jungle. Hueys flying overhead told him his worst fears: he's in Vietnam. He looked around worriedly until he was accosted by the cast of Platoon. He is once again mistaken, this time as Vietcong due to his gakuran resembling the black pajamas they wore for uniforms and that he's carrying an AK47 doesn't help either.
"There's Charlie over here!" shouted Charlied Sheen. Makoto ran for his life as the entire platoon gave chase. He screamed again as he encountered a tiger.
"ROAR!" It growled.
"Oh shit! A tiger!" He shouted as it nearly gulped his head in. After a marathon run through the jungle dodging bullets, booby traps and napalm, he came across a river with a patrol boat chugging along.
"Hey... Nice boat," he casually said. It really is a nice boat. Bad thing is it's the cast of Apocalypse Now riding on it.
"We have Charlie at that treeline," shouted Laurence Fishburne AKA Mr. Clean.
"General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands, man your battle stations!" Shouted the Chief. They pumped into Makoto's general direction, M16, M60 and .50 caliber ammo.
"AAARRRGGHH!" He screamed as he took lead from them. When the smoke cleared, a waling-in-pain Makoto made a pathetic attempt to crawl away but Martin Sheen AKA Captain Willard finished him off with a M79, splattering his blood and guts on the trees.
"I told you don't stop," he told to Chief.
Present Day...
"Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way." Itsuki mused as the discussion is about to conclude.
"Saddle up! Lock and load!" Haruhi ordered. Everyone left the bunker to begin there investigation.
"Yes, Haruhi," they sullenly replied. They move out the village when Kyon has Vampire Knight moment, just like Zero Kiryuu's panic attacks, completed with heartbeats. Oh no! His repressed aggression is starting to get the better of him and... flashbacks. He found himself inside a dark room full of TVs and other electrical equipment. They shouted him a name very familiar to him.
"Mason! Mason!" Shouted an electronically distorted voice. Then a speedy visual montage of various places in the world: Cuba, Northern Russia, Hongkong, and more. Explosions, firefights, helicopter chases, numbers all flashed before him. Then he got back to normal, on his knees breathing heavily. He stood up and joined the team.
Looks like Kyon's got more secrets than the Higurashi show. Let's find out. And oh yeah, never get out of the nice boat. References to Hayate no Gotuko, Metal Gear Solid 3, CoD WaW, Umineko, Fate/Stay, WWE, Persona, Code Geass, and Gundam. Don't forget minor Brokeback Mountain reference.