Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni-Part 2
Summer FUBAR
Hello, here comes more insanity. More CoD, 'Nam, and Hellraiser. Watch the hysteria take over. Here's to lame jokes. Special thanks to clips of Tropic Thunder.
The village, which had stood for maybe a thousand years, didn't know we were coming to play that day. If they had, they would've run. Haruhi was the eye of her rage. And through her, our captain Ahab, we would screw things wrong yet again. That day she sucked us in to more trouble. Kyon pondered on their new situation while a sign that said, HINAMIZAWA, EST. A.D 1010, stood next to him. The Brigade came into the town with only minutes to spare. Haruhi drew up the briefing for their assignments.
"Okay, Kyon. You and Taniguchi will spy on the school," she pointed her finger on the map, "while me, Yuki, and Itsuki will do the detective work."
"How 'bout Mikuru and the others?" Kyon pointed out.
"They're the diversion," she replied, "they'll pretend to have a sightseeing on the banks of the river."
"That's sweet, Haruhi. But isn't spying on a school the equivalent looking into someone's personal space? And the fact you intend to let the rest of us go to a river with Mikuru dressed up in lolita garb."
"That's why they're the diversion," Haruhi smiled wolfishly. "You gotta give those villagers some eye candy to look at while we're doing the actual work."
Mikuru shuddered, "You don't mean... like I'm the bait, right? Miss Suzumiya?"
"I do but you can use Kunikida as a human shield if you want to get away." As much as Haruhi wanted to see Mikuru slashed, she'd still want her cute butt for herself before she dies. Hopefully, Kyon would want to make out with Mikuru before he dies too. The silent background character winced.
"So how do you want us to proceed, Haruhi?" Itsuki asked, being a bishie.
"Like I said, you and Yuki are on me. As for Kyon and Tani, they get this stuff," Haruhi replied giving the two boys a bag. Inside is the Laser Microphone from Splinter Cell, two ghillie suits, a boonie hat, two M21 suppressed sniper rifles, two suppressed M1911A1s, a Barrett .50 sniper rifle, tac radios and so on.
"What the hell is this?" Kyon blasted.
"Your kit. You'll be needing this when you're going to sneak on them."
"I thought it was a sneaking mission," Taniguchi joined in. "We're not here to cap those kids."
"You have your job and we have ours," she snapped to the two boys, "so why don't you go there and gear up." She pointed to a clump of trees.
"Alright," they replied despondently. Then they move to the trees with the bag and went behind. Then the trees shook as Boom! Shake The Room by Dj Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince played for a few seconds. Implying something, huh? Then they came out dressed like British snipers.
"Okay, everyone ready?" she said.
"Yes, Miss Suzumiya," Mikuru replied timidly, shuffling her feet uneasily with her hands behind her back.
"We're up," said Tsuruya excitedly.
"Ready, guv'ner," Kyon said with a badass British acent.
"Now on to adventure and mystery!" She announced marching proudly with Itsuki and Yuki. Kyon and Taniguchi moved out stealthily and hefted their bags and guns. The remaining three skipped happily to the riverbank.
Screen switches to Kyon's FPP(first-person perspective)...
Objective: Reach School. Avoid contact.
Kyon followed Taniguchi(who had sign that said 'follow' over his head with a meter indicating his distance to him) and walked stealthily from house to house. Walking... walking... walking... until some guy in a gray overall appeared. They lay down.
"Kyon, don't shoot him," Tani whispered.
"I...know...," the cynic breathed with an itchy trigger finger. Then the suspicious-looking graysuit moved on. Then they stood up and moved on until they reached the school.
"Okay, we're at the school." Taniguchi said. "Take up positions behind those bushes." Kyon obeyed and sneaked into the bushes.
35 meters... 30 meters... 20 meters...10 meters... 5 meters... 0.5 meters... Objective complete.
They moved closer and closer to more bushes until they reached the closest bush and set up their positions.
"Okay, set up the Target Designator, uh, I mean the Laser Mike," Taniguchi ordered.
Press and hold X to deploy Laser Mike
Kyon set it up and focused it on the classroom.
Press Y to zoom in
From there he'll be listening to their boring class and slice-of-life stuff. Example...
"... What does a model of R2-D2 have to do with human reproduction?" Mion asked.
"Get with the times, Mion. Haven't you heard?" Keiichi replied. "Apparently, they created robots that are made for sex. Scientist in about believe that too many years from now, humans are gonna be having sex with robots."
"Well, let's hope for your sake that robots aren't programmed to enjoy it. Otherwise, they're gonna be damned disappointed."
Let's see how Haruhi's group is faring.
AFO(All Fucked Over) Haruhi was going around the village when they encountered a platinum blond woman and a muscular bird photographer. The guy took a picture of them.
"Oh my," Itsuki said, "a pedophile just took a picture of us. That's seven years' bad luck."
"Oh sorry," apologized the man, "I thought you're birds, not somebody to keep an eye on."
"What? Did you saw us with you're camera lens?'" Haruhi asked.
"Anyway, are you from Hinamizawa?" the guy asked.
"No," Itsuki replied together and lied. "We're tourists."
"That's nice," the women said with a French accent. "What brings you here?"
"We're here for the festival," Yuki camly answered.
"We're investigating that string of murders that happen every year!" The brigadefuhrer jumped in. Alibi broken and some higurashi chirpin'.
"Tourists, huh?" The woman raised an eyebrow. "You're probably more of those teenagers who watched too much Case Closed and CSI who come here every summer." Itsuki heard something similar to that from the local tourism committee yesterday.
"Well, we're a more serious, uh..." Haruhi mused for a while, "... investigation committee." They don't looked very convinced.
"Oh," Itsuki came in to fix the situation, "where are our manners? I don't think we introduced ourselves properly. My name is Itsuki Koizumi."
"And I am Haruhi Suzumiya, leader of the SOS Brigade," The goddess announced pointing her finger skyward as though she sighted the New World.
"I am Yuki Nagato, token bookworm," The alien monotoned lifelessly.
The woman smiled, "Now that's settled, I am Miyo Takano." Itsuki looked at her a little more and realized that she looked like an adult Tsumugi Kotobuki on crack.
"And I am not pedophile," said the man. "I am Jirou Tomitake, freelance bird photographer."
"Aren't you overly muscular to be a bird photographer?" The esper noticed, "Do you get attacked by birds?."
"You kids and your wild fantasies. I currently work for Playbird Magazine, number one selling pornographic bird magazine in world." AFO Haruhi's faces looked like their panties are showing.
"Bird porn?" the club leader asked weakly, couldn't quite believe what she just heard.
"Yes." That was something. Then came the woman's turn.
"You're interested in murders, eh? Do you want to know the legend of Oyashiro-sama's curse?"
"We're pretty up to speed on that," Haruhi said. And continued rapidly, "Some dude dies, another disappears during the night of the festival every year since the dam thing."
"How did you know that?" She wondered
"We got the info from the locals here yesterday." Haruhi exclaimed
"Oh, so you've been here, huh?"
"Yeah, they were gonna tell us of all the ritual stuff and all that but they only mentioned Oyashiro-sama once," The goddess pondered, "I'm curious."
Tomitake said, "Seven or eight years ago, some politicians decided they were thirsty so they thought it was a cool idea to flood the town. The locals got pissed and all then hilarity ensued."
"What?"
"And 'hilarity ensued' wasn't obvious enough," the guy moaned, "No one watches sitcoms the way I do."
Takano stepped in, "Okay, seriously, they believed the guardian deity, Oyashiro, killed those who try to flood the village. Also more stuff, on the night of the festival, someone dies of an unexplained... heart attack."
AFO Haruhi gulped nervously, "Heart attack?" Death Note them begins...
There Takano and Jirou described the unexplained heart attack deaths that started alongside the murders and disappearances beginning with the shrine priest up to Barney and Friends. And also about some smutty pink-haired bitch who got lost in an episode of Dokuro-chan and received a fatality on the head. Death Note theme ends...
"... and that is the last time I'll let you bring Seinfeld into this conversation," Takano warned Jirou.
"Well... thanks talking to you," Haruhi finally said after all that intense mystery conversation.
"Wait, everyone, do you want to hear more about Two and a Half Men?" Jirou asked.
"What did I just say?" Takano sternly said with her French accent.
"I think we better go now," Itsuki said, "We have places to go."
"Oh, one more thing: beware of the locals," she warned before laughing like crazy. Itsuki felt their spine chill and went on with their detective work but Haruhi was unfazed, finding her first great lead of the day. The esper thought, No wonder Arakawa's report put a dildo up Command's ass. The town was being run by a bunch of psychos who were gonna end up giving the whole circus away.
"Hey, Yuki, we've got our lead of the day. What do you think?" Haruhi asked.
"I believe it's 99.995 percent accurate," Yuki replied.
Meanwhile at the river bank...
"This place is beautiful," Mikuru cheered at the scenery of the river. She seemed like cute princess in her outfit, sure to attract people to her and the diversionary troop. Problem is that no one's around on this time of the day.
"Nice place to go fishing," Kunikida said. "I wanna fish here with some cheese."
Tsuruya got pissed, "How dare you make fun of my cheese fixation, uh, I mean, passion!"
"Sorry, Tsuruya. I just couldn't help but notice it."
"Oh yeah, I'll kill you." She raised Frostmourne, the Lich King's Arthas' sword. Kunikida relented.
"Hey, I just apologized," He quickly said.
"Really?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"Oh." She put it back inside her bag. After a few minutes of silence Tsuruya asked Kunikida again, "You know, this river reminds me of that scene in Platoon where Charlie Sheen and the rest of the guys went to go searching for this village after they found one of their friends horribly tortured."
"Yeah, it overlooked a river just like this one." He noted
"Come to think of it, what happens if we disappear and/or resurface horribly mangled?" She pondered.
"Hopefully, many of our fellow students back from North High would come here in large numbers next summer... with guns."
-Buffalo Springfield's For What it's Worth plays-
The diversionary group looked up in the sky deep in thought. Slowly the sunny sky was filled with jets and helicopters. The sounds of battle are everywhere as tracers trying to hit helicopters and jets and the scene lowered back to the ground as VC and NVA scrambled like crickets in a burning shoebox. Jets were dropping fire bombs on the hapless commies while the choppers circled like vultures. One such helicopter flew over the gravelly banks of a river and landed in the midst of the nearby woods.
Out of it came several soldiers dressed in tiger-striped camo, weapons ready. One of the soldiers is named Capt. Alex Mason. Along with him is Kinkaid, Itzhak Kuzimski, Fudge-pacher and Tanner. There job: to investigate the presence of a suspected supply cache in that sector. That means the village.
-For What it's Worth stops-
Behind the bushes, the six-man team discussed their plans. "Okay, according to intel, the cake cache is located on somewhere in this village." Mason began. "We need to know how large it is before we destroy it. We also have reports of important VIPs in this area."
"What's our game plan?" Asked a bandanna-wearing Kinkaid, his shotgun ready.
"You and Fudge-pacher would make a sweep at the right flank. Me, Tanner and Kuzimski would take the left. After that, we rendezvous on the village center and start searching. "
"Sir, rules of engagement?" Asked the trigger happy Tanner.
"Keep to the shadows and foliage, do not fire unless your engaged upon. Knife only."
"You want us to fight back with only our knives, sir ?" Asked Kinkaid. "These guys pack AKs."
"Shut up!" Mason retorted loudly enough to scare the chickens, "Use your heads for once!"
Then they moved out into the foliage. In the village, some of the villagers are waking up to begin their day. They strangely looked like the cast of Higurashi, dressed in Vietnamese clothes. One of them, a boy with dark brown hair, began to feed his chickens. Kinkaid and Fudge-pacher were looking at through their binocs.
"Hey, should we take this guy out?" He asked him, fumbling his crossbow.
"No, we'll wake up the village faster than Roy Mustang's obsession with miniskirts. Just keep your fingers off the trigger." Fudgy replied.
"TINY MINISKIRTS!" Roy Mustang flashed from nowhere.
"What the fuck!" They were startled. Then Roy disappeared. Relieved that village didn't blared red alert, they continued on their way. At the other side, Mason, Kuzimski and Tanner spotted some traps... or they nearly ran into one.
"Gyah!" Blurted Tanner as he nearly trip into a pit.
"Jesus Christ! You nearly gave us a heart attack." Kuzimski said.
"Wow, I nearly fell into a punji trap." Tanner recovered from the fall and crept back into the bushes.
"But it's not just any punji trap, that one was made none other by the notorious VC booby trap expert, known only as Sandy Hodge." Mason explained. He then showed a signature on the spikes that revealed they are patented by Sandy Hodge.
"OMFG!" Kuzimski exclaimed, "that means we have an enemy VIP to capture nearby." Then two girls with fluorescent green hair emerged from a hut nearby. They got big knockers and they looked alike. The commandos dove into a nearby bush.
"Shit, that was too close for comfort," Mason said, peering through. At the far end, Fudgy was enjoying the frontage with his binocs.
"Emm, emm, anytime sweetheart." He said whispered, wanting do these girls with the big boobs anytime soon.
"They'll smother you to death with their D's, Fudgy," warned Kinkaid. He's not kidding. There's a story being told among the guys back in the camp about soldiers suffocating to death in their hotel rooms in Saigon and the battlefield. They gave them nightmares for weeks and that deprived them of much-needed poontang. They compensated somewhat through... other means. Perhaps those two are the ones in the legends. It be a good time for some payback.
"Lima Bean-Two-Zero," Mason squalled through their radio , "this is Cat Shit-One, do you copy, over?" At that moment the two got there balls together.
They replied, "Yeah, copy over."
"Lima Bean-Two-Zero, can you identify the two girls, over?"
They looked at them through their binocs and said, "Negative, their eyes are obscured by their cone hats. We need a closer look."
"Understood, proceed as planned, Cat Shit-One out." Then Mason turned to his team, "Okay, we now have a textbook snatch-and-grab situation here. We have three suspicious looking individuals here who might be of value to HQ with the possibility of capturing an important VC officer. Let's do this quietly."
"Snatch-and-grab?" commented Kuzimski, "I thought it was smash-and-grab."
"Snatch-and-grab is a term to take something quickly and vamoose, moron!" He scolded him. "Smash-and-grab is when you act like barbarian raping and looting people and places." As he argued, a blue-haired girl was looking at them curiously.
Then she chirped cutely, "Napalm~"
"ARRRGGHH!" They dove to ground with their heads flat and their asses pointed to the sky. After a few seconds, Mason opened an eye and looked around. The villagers are around them... with weapons aimed at them. They smiled menacingly. He realized that he had hit the jacket... the wrong way. The two boys are Ca Chie Mai Bao Ra and Sa Thu Sinh Hu'a. Sa Thu Sinh is a hand-to-hand combat expert who specialized on heavy beatings while Ca Chie is their propaganda expert. His masterpiece of Marxist subversion is 'Fight your fate, fight America!' where he exhorts fellow Vietnamese to join the fight against the babykillers. The two girls are My'un Soung Sa'ki, their boss and intel chief, and Re'na, notorious executioner, nicknamed 'butcher of Hue City'. Mason looked at the bluenette girl is Ri'ka, rocket loli. Then their target showed up.
"Hello, nii-nii," Greeted Sa Thu Co aka Sandy Hodge, "don't leave me out in this one."
"Well, well, well," Said Ca Chie in English, "looks like we have more American dumbasses to capture." The rest of squad opened their eyes too.
"Yeah, more guests for the Hanoi Hilton," chirped My'un, "but let's see if they have tasty info inside." The commandos winced at the thought of My'un interrogating them, they say her methods are notoriously brutal.
"So... how about a cup of tea?" Kuzimski asked, smiling nervously. "One that goes with cake."
"Sorry, American, the cake is a lie."
"Oh, oh," piped Re'na excitedly, swaying her head happily as she thought of the pain she planned to inflict, "what are we gonna play with them? Musical electric chairs? Pipe banging? Kneecap bashing? Russian roulette, kana, kana?"
"No, Re'na," My'un replied. "That's too passe'. We're gonna try a new game with them. I'm gonna ask my sister. She's got a new idea last night." They all gulped in fear, knowing My'un's sister is even more vicious than she is. Meanwhile...
After Shi'un took a bath and freshened up, she took a walk outside of her hut to check the commotion when suddenly, someone put a knife near her neck and grabbed her arms.
"What the hell-" she nearly said something when a 'shh' silenced her.
"If you scream, you're dead," said Fudge-pacher.
"What do you want?" she asked hesitantly.
"I don't know, maybe some poontang."
"What's that?"
"You'll find out soon," he smiled creepily, "is there any place where I could get private with you?"
"No, you don't mean..." she whelped.
"I mean it, baby." She then her finger to a big hut nearby. He then continued, half dragging her along the way, "I'm gonna let you meet Junior, now let's open the door, close it and..." As they entered, he let a match. "What hell is this?"
"ROOOAAARRR!" There was large amount of girlish screaming as the hut rocked violently and Shi'un casually walked out of it.
"It's a bad idea to wear a tigerstripe with a tiger around." She grinned evilly as Fudgy-daddy gets... eyed by the tiger.
"What the hell is that?" Shouted Ca Chei when a hut blew up nearby. Kunikida used his crossbow with explosive-tipped bolts. The village turned into a hornet's nest as more Viet Cong came to meet him. Taking advantage of the confusion, Mason and the squad CQCed their captors and raced for the village center. After some random firefights, they made their way out of the village.
"This is Cat Shit-One!" Mason screeched through the radio, "we have been compromised. Request extraction to LZ Girls Bravo!"
"Roger that, Cat Shit-One, this is Baseplate Four-Niner over. Will be there, ETA four minutes, out."
"Don't forget an airstrike," Kinkaid added over the radio.
"Roger that!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" the captain shrieked.
"I believe we should have an obligatory airstrike to burn those Mew- Mew-loving buttfuckers." He replied.
"Mew-mew?"
"Yeah, just like that pet tiger they kept."
"Shouldn't that be Roar-Roar?" But no more arguments as the VC is closing in on their perky asses. At the LZ, they set up there defenses quickly. Kinkaid on sniper, Tanner laying Claymores and C4 around the perimeter and the rest aiming their guns on the onrushing hordes of Zerg-rushing VC(apparently, they like to play Zerg on StarCraft 2 multiplayer). But the captain couldn't help but think that something's missing.
"Shit! We left Fudge-pacher!" He realized that for now! As for Fudgy... He tried to crawl out of the hut, his fatigues torn to shreds and his pants are missing. But as soon as he was halfway through the door, a tiger paw snatched him back in.
"NO!" He shrieked as he dug his fingers into the dirt, but he could only leave deep scratches as he got dragged. Now some more screaming and hot tiger love! Back at the LZ, they were defending it to the death as they wait for Baseplate to land. Then their angel had arrived.
"This is Baseplate Four -Niner, Cat Shit-One, do you copy?" That sound sent everybody cheering.
"That's roger, Baseplate!" Replied Mason, "we have one hundred or so gooks on our tail."
"Easy there, Cat Shit, just pop a smoke an your location before we land. Fastmovers on their way." Finished, Mason turned to Kinkaid.
"Kinkaid, pop a smoke!"
"Yes, sir." He replied. He then walked to a corner of the perimeter and took out some marijuana and began smoking. Mason nearly tore his hair apart. Standing up despite the bullets and bombs flying around, he marched towards on him. He grabbed him by the collar.
"What the fuck is wrong with you! When I say 'pop a smoke', you pop a smoke grenade, not get high!"
"Oh, thanks for reminding me, sir!" Quickly, he took out a smoke grenade and waved out around. "Look sir, rainbow reality." That was the last straw. He screamed and started chasing Kinkaid around their perimeter. The rest of the squad gave them odd looks. Their pursuers stopped shooting, sat back and enjoyed the comedy. Then their ride came.
"Everyone, it's Baseplate!" Tanner screamed. Brought back to there senses, everyone ran for the chopper. The VC, stunned out by the turn of events, hastily picked up their weapons and continued pursuit... and ran into the traps they set.
BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!
Screaming Vietcong are flying everywhere with limbs missing. Kinkaid sang, "It's raining commies! Hallelujah! It's raining commies! Amen!"
"Shit!" My'un screeched in frustration, "the Americans are escaping!"
"Ah, My'un," said Ca Chie nervously, "we're standing on C4..." Then they realized that. As the chopper lifted off, Tanner clicked on the detonator.
BOOM!
The whole gang flew as well. Out of frustration, she blasted her pistol at the direction of the Huey with no effect. She then called out Ri'ka, "Ri'ka! Use the RPG!" Ri'ka popped out with an oversized rocket launcher in her hands. Then somebody popped out of the bushes. It's butt-naked Elias Fudge-pacher!
"MASON!" He shouted holding a cake and dancing like a moron. "I got it! I got the cake!" Then Sa Thu Co, who was clinging to his back, began biting him on the arm with her fanged teeth. "AARRGHH!"
"Die, GI!" She shouted as she took a bite of his arm. After a few quick bites, however, Fudgy had enough.
"Get off me you monkey loli!" He screamed as he ripped her off his back. Then he threw the screaming VC girl away.
Kuzimski said, "What the fuck?" There's cake in there after all!
"Nipah, motherfucker!"She exclaimed and fired. It sailed through the air at the now-scared shitless squad.
"Oh shit!" shouted the pilot as he lifted it higher. Realizing the danger his friends are, Fudgy threw the cake into the air. The RPG is getting closer by the millisecond, everyone braced themsleves for the impact. Then suddenly, the cake popped into its path and it exploded. He hollered and pumped his fist into the air before going back into the bush. Out of frustration, the VC turned their attention to him.
The chopper landed in in another clearing to pick him but he was still a few dozen meters away from dustoff. The VC popped out and fired at him.
"YEOW!" He screamed before he fell to his knees in slo-mo. In random uberdramatic fashion, he raised his hands into the air, making a very obvious reference. The squad watched in horror as his pursuers shot him several more times on the ass before he fell on his face.
Enraged, Mason said to everyone, "Hope y'all like hamburger meat, because that's exactly what I'm going to be bringing back and serving up in this whirly bird! COVER ME, YA LIMP DICK FUCKERS!" He cocked his .45 and dismounted. They watched in amazement as he shot several baddies flawlessly including one that tried to stab his butt. The helicopter lifted up a little to give cover. As soon as he got Fudge-pacher back and turned back to the chopper, Re'na popped out of a pit.
"Peek-a-boo, I see you!" She ranted as she threw her hatchet at it.
"NOOO!" Tanner shouted in slo-mo as the spinning blade whizzed into the tail, slicing it in half. It spun out of control, Tanner fell and clung to the skids, and it fell into a fireball. Mason watched in horror as VC surrounded him. At the underground lair...
"Ha-ha-ha!" Laughed My'un, "think you can escape? You're gonna pay dearly for that cake!" She laughed some more at Mason, strung on a heavy cross.
"Oh! Oh! How much?" Echoed Kinkaid excitedly from the pickle barrel he's packed in on Mason's left. Mason facepalmed at his subordinate's stupidity.
"A whole lot," she quipped as the rest of her minions came back with torture implements. On the left corner is Tanner hanging upside down, screaming at the snakes hissing a few inches below his head. Fudge-pacher's on a stretcher on Mason's right, lying down on his face as his butt is still fresh from surgery. The two lolies took him out of the lair. Kuzimski is strapped on the bed naked with electrodes on his... let's say things are not working out for him very well. Then the moment of truth, in echoing footsteps walked in Shi'un. Mason winced at the terrible twin sister of the VC chief. Behind her is ex-Nazi officer, Dr. Eric Kosky.
"Ready for some fun?" My'un asked her.
"Very ready," she replied sadistically.
"Shall ve begin?" He asked.
"Anytime," she said. She then turned to Re'na and Sa Thu Sinh, "Okay, roll the cameras, let the Americans know that death waits for them here." They did as they're told with happy smiles.
"Lights, camera, action!" Shouted Ca Chie and the squad screamed their heads off as Shi'un laughed demonically. When it's all over, Re'na disposed of the bodies at the river and they all had a party. The next day however...
Another morning in the village was greeted by the usual lax activity by its inhabitants as they go on their daily activities such as making breakfast and planning ambushes when a distant sound came to the village. Then came the thing they never expected: a heavily-armed Huey piloted by Kinkaid and Mason. Mason, insane after the events of Black Ops, revved the minigun and shouted, "Let's do this whole fucked-up village!" The VC cadre consisting of the Higurashi look-alikes screamed their heads off as Mason rained lead and destruction on the entire collections of straw huts.
"Get some!" He sceamed, "Get some! Get some, baby!" By the end of the day, the only thing left of it is a smoking clearing with burned and dismembered corpses.
At the present day at the school...
After boring hours listening in to the gang, Kyon and Taniguchi got their first big break. The mundane and sometimes idiotic stuff made Kyon imagine of blowing it up with their pack of explosives. Now it's time for the real deal.
"Kyon, you're hearing this?" Taniguchi asked.
"Yeah, just raise the volume," Kyon said, putting on his pants.
"Hey, Mion, you said that there's a bunch of American tourists coming over here for the festival?" Keiichi asked.
"Yes, and it's thanks to some agreement between Rozen Aso and Bill Clinton." She replied. "In a scheme called sister governate." She replied
"What's that? I never heard of sister governate."
"It's like that sister city scheme between Mishima and Pasadena. Only it's much bigger like a state. In this case it's between the state of Colorado and Gifu Prefecture and it starts with us and some town called South Park." The scene switches to the classroom...
"Oh, Rozen Aso and his crazy schemes," he commented as he twirled his pencil, "we're in deeper shit this time. How is getting a bunch of churchgoing, beer-drinking, Nascar loving, anti-intellectual rednecks on a sightseeing tour gonna help our town's image? They'd probably go hysterical over when they learn of the Watanagshi festival."
"I don't know. It's an idea suggested by that town's mayor who keeps on coming here to our house." Mion picked up her paper.
"And your grandma agreed to it? This is even more fucked-up than Visions of Escaflowne."
"Hey!" Rena shouted, "don't dare dis my favorite anime of all time!" She doesn't like it when Keiichi makes fun of her anime.
"Oh, sorry," he apologized. Continuing with the matter, he added, "Besides, what could we do make this town more interesting?"
"Rika, any suggestions?" Satoko asked.
"I have suggestion but I'm afraid it'll be in bad taste." She answered.
"We won't laugh at you." Satoko comforted.
"Don't be shy," enouraged Mion, "Just throw it out there."
"Two simple words..." Rika smiled,"Mion's boobs." She began grabbing Mion's. "In order to make this town more entertaining to our American guests, I suggest we give them what they want... a sexy girl with curves. I got the idea from Full Metal Jacket."
"Hey come on," Mion retorted, "I'm not some kind of sex objects you can just spontaneously exploit whenever you like! And what in hell did you get the idea from Full Metal Jacket?"
"Simple, just watch," She produced a TiVo and clicked on that clip of Full Metal Jacket where she got the idea: Da Nang Hooker clip.
"...Me so horny, me love you long time," said the hooker in the clip. Finished, Rika turned it off.
"See, Americans like Asian women like that so I suggest we dress Mion like that," the bluenette slyly said.
"What! A slut!" That was too much for Mion, "You're going way too far with that! And I'm not gonna let you pimp me!"
"Don't worry, Mion. It'll only be a day. We believe that American men like exotic busty Asian girls."
"That's right, baby!" Dean Winchester, hunter of the supernatural and subscriber to Busty Asian Beauties, popped out. And disappeared.
"Exploiting Mion!" Keiichi exclaimed, "Rika, that's a great idea!"
"Whatever, I'm not gonna dress up like some Vietnamese prostitute and flirt around with a bunch of drunken truck drivers."
"Why are you all talking about this stuff when we should be talking about the murders," Satoshi noted. Then their teacher, Chie Rumiko, came in for their next subject, Math.
"Okay, settle down you young murderers," she said to them, "we will continue our lessons from yesterday." With that, the class settled down. As they digested the lessons, things are not looking good for Kyon as the class went on.
"... now as we continue to tackle trigonometry, we will have some Math drills via flash cards, our topic, division. Now let's see who will answer first..." She said as Kyon listened in. The cynic started to be become sweaty, something inside eating up as he continued to listen to flash drills. The students shout, '50!... 61!... 42!... 5!'
The numbers now began to play in his head, numbers broadcast. "13, 69, 9000, 34, 666, 101, " A woman's voice broadcasted the numbers in his head. He can't take it anymore, his pupils are starting dilate, his flashbacks of war and mayhem are starting to crop up.
"The numbers, Mason!" Asked the electronic voice, "What do they mean!"
"Kiss my ass with some whipped cream on top!" He replied. *Electrocution* "ARRRGGGHH!"
Taniguchi noticed that. He saw Kyon attack their Math teacher once. He tried to calm him down.
"Easy there, Kyon. Let me take over the Laser Mike for you while you just relax." He tried to take the headphones but Kyon snapped his hand on his wrist.
"No... the numbers... Khe Sanh... Hue City... Havana...Reznov..." He screamed, "I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!" He grabbed a M202 Grim Reaper four-barreled rocket launcher.
"KYON, NO!" He tried to stop him. But the cynic fired all four rockets and they hit the classroom.
BOOM!
"Now that's what I call a Math lesson!" Kyon laughs wickedly. All rockets hit their mark, exploding in fireballs. Taniguchi could only cover his mouth with his hands in surprise as the smoke cleared... and fortunately, the occupants survived. The roof and a part of the wall facing the two boys have been blown to Kingdom Come. Chie Rumiko could only blink her eyes in surprise before she finally said something.
"Okay... now that the classroom has exploded for randomly for no reason... school will be off for the day..." She weakly announced. The result was uproarious cheering and all of the kids were running outside, ready to savor their their day off. But Kyon had other plans...
"That's right, kiddies, just run into my sights and I'll send you to Jesus with your heads blown off," he said, smiling wickedly as he aimed through the scope at the schoolkids leaving the school. But Taniguchi grabbed him and a short scuffle ensued.
"Give me that!" Tani grunted as he wrestled the weapon from his hand.
"Get off my ass!" Kyon shrieked.
*UGH!*
*ACK!*
"Yeow!"
"Fuck off!"
"Eat shit and die!"
"Kiss my ass with a cherry on top!"
GRACK!
BRAAK!
After the brief scuffle, Taniguchi dragged a knocked-out Kyon and their stuff out of sight of the kids. Meanwhile, back at the river bank...
"Hello, I'm Mikuru Asahina," Mikuru greeted to the newcomers despite being dressed in her frilly lolita outfit.
"And I'm Tsuruya!" Tsuruya greeted.
"My name's Kunikida," The propboy introduced himself.
"Well, well," Takano commented, "let me guess? The rest of the SOS Brigade?"
"Well... I'm the only one right here," Mikuru replied sweetly, "the rest of these guys are hanger-ons."
"Hey! I'm the sponsor here!" Fang-tan retorted, "Kunikida's the hanger-on!"
"Oh, sorry," Mikuru meekly chirped. She knew that Tsuruya explodes easily.
"Wow, you are so cute and adorable, Miss Asahina," commented Jirou, "May I take a photo of you?"
Mikuru blushed. A grown man wants to take a photo of her. That's sweet and... creepy. But she'll take it.
"Okay," Mikuru replied cheerily. Just as she made a sweet lady pose as Jirou aimed the camera... at her boobs, Then Haruhi appeared! With the rest of her team.
"No one takes a picture of Mikuru without my permission!" She roared at the cameraman and standing in front of him. "Now fuck off!"
"Oh, forgive me, Miss Suzumiya but I could not help but admire her beauty." He apologized.
"If you're that desperate," Haruhi smiled, changing to her Genki mode, "you could at least allow me to dress her up in a variety of sexy clothes for fan service purposes. Now Mikuru, let me dress you up right on the spot." Just as Haruhi is about to molest a squirming Mikuru in public, Taniguchi and Kyon came by, this time dressed in normal clothes.
"Hey, Haruhi we got a lead!" Shouted Taniguchi.
"Really?" Haruhi asked, changing her mind.
"Right here on tape." He proudly held the tape. Haruhi, however, noticed Kyon. He smiled like he had a hard-on from watching snuff films.
"What's wrong with Kyon?" She asked Tani.
"Eh, long story. But it's-" He looked at a crack-addicted Takano looking over him
"A lead? What kind of lead?" Takano asked with interest. Realizing about letting the cat out of the bag too early, Haruhi took the rest of Brigade away from them.
"Uh, it's nothing. Gotta go." He grabbed the rest of the Brigade.
Back at the bunker...
"No way!" She could not believe that an entire American town is coming to Hinamizawa for a goodwill tour.
"Yeah, that's what we heard. It's totally unbelievable." Taniguchi stated. "What do you got?" Haruhi mused about what she got from the couple he encountered along the way.
"Well... we got this word of a crazy cult centered around the village's guardian diety, Oyashiro-sama." Haruhi began. "They say he's a vicious god." She then recounted about the encounter and all they learned from a crack-addicted Mugi and a Youtube-tripping bird pornographer. That was some serious shit. indeed.
"Whoa, that was creepy. This town has more secrets than Tom Cruise's packing job at the fudge factory." Kunikida commented.
"They said that some of the victims died of an unexplained heart attack, right?" Itsuki asked with his hand raised.
"Yeah, they did say that."
"I don't know but I believe there's a possibility that Kira is behind this." With that reply, everyone was mystified for a few brief seconds.
"Yeah, we can't discount that," Haruhi mused. "You know what this means?"
"What?" Everyone else answered together.
With dramatic effect, she announced, "Oyashiro-sama is none other than... KIRA! And he is demanding sacrifices of evil people so he can be God of this new world!" Everyone was mesmerized by the revelation- actually just the dramatic lighting accompanying the tsundere goddess... except Kyon. Then a pretty red-haired girl appeared.
"Rena likes your camp. It's very nice." Rena chirped as she leered into the entrance.
"GYAH!" They screamed. How the hell they find their well-camouflaged compound?
"You nearly scared us, nyoro," Tsuruya grabbed Mikuru and held her in front of herself as a human shield.
"Hey," Mion came in, "you're here, everybody. What'cha doing camping out here?"
"Uh, we're just doing our thing," Haruhi chuckled nervously, fearful of the possibly psychotic locals looking at them. "Nothing suspicious to look at, right?"
"Oh," Keiichi jumped in, "an orgy. Is there room for one more?"
"Dammit, Keiichi," Mion sighed at Keiichi's stupidity, "just stay out of this until this is done." She then turned to the SOS Brigade. "So, you wanna continue the tour from yesterday?" The SOS Brigade didn't reply. Then they huddled and whispered to each other for a while.
Blast! He sadly thought, my dreams of an orgy with a group of outsiders have been shattered.
"Okay," They affirmed together.
"Alright," Mion cheered. "We have more sights to show you. We'll start with the Furude shrine and then go..." Everyone else followed her out of the bunker. Just as they did,Rena was staring at Mikuru with wide eyes.
"What are looking at me for?" She asked her timidly.
Rena coudln't hold it anymore. She shouted, "I'm taking her home! Omochikaeri!"
Mion stepped in, "Sorry, Rena you're not taking her home."
"But I want to," she pleaded, "she's so cute and I want to play with her."
"Nobody's taking my mascot home!" Haruhi blurted.
"I wanna take her home and you won't stop me!" Rena replied as Keiichi held her by the arms.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Mion intervened, "Whoa, slowdown, Rena. Don't let your cuteness syndrome get into you."
"But please, I wanna play with her..." As the conversation between them faded, Haruhi asked Itsuki. "How the hell they find this camp?" She demanded with her arms crossed.
"Beats me. I don't know since the chibis had this well-camouflaged." He answered, just passing by a big neon sign that blatantly said, 'SOS Brigade Firebase Haruhistan'.
"By the way, where are the chibis?" she asked him.
Underneath the camp...
-When Johnny Comes Marching Home(Die Hard With A Vengeance OST) plays-
The tunnel was bustling with the Hamtaro hamsters, digging everything with their tiny digging tools and their automated digging equipment- actually modified RC dump trucks and bulldozers and improvised digging stuff. They sang another song.
Hamtaro, little hamsters, big excretions
Hamtaro, little hamsters, big excretions!
Churuya surveyed the digging with utmost interest. Achakura gave orders to them on where to dig. "This is more fun than watching yuri." She chirped.
"I know," she agreed. "Hell, we are going to break into the biggest depository of smoked cheese in all of Japan. Soon, it'll be all mine." She then turned to Boss, "Boss, how's the digging?"
"At this rate," Boss the field hamster replied, "we'll be break in there by midnight."
Then Achakura looked at her worriedly, "How about you're creator, Miss Tsuruya? You know she loves smoked cheese as much as you do."
"Put a sock in it. She can get hers from Switzerland, where she deposits it in a bank vault." She replied bitterly as she remembered how Tsuruya won't share any of her cheese unless she does the chores. No more, she thought, she can eat shit and die! Then her laughter echoed throughout the tunnel as the digging continued.
-When Johnny Comes Marching Home ends epically-
Above ground...
Everyone is at the Furude Shrine. "This is the Furude Shrine," Rika began, "the centerpiece of our town and the Watanagashi Festival. Here we take old beaten-up stuff like old people, hold service for them, and throw them into the river. And by old people, I mean old futons and vest."
"That sounds pretty misleading," Haruhi said, "And sounds pretty boring."
Mion laughed haughtily, "Boring? Not the way we do it!" Then the Games Club gathered around with the theme of Power Rangers playing at the background.
They shouted, "We are the forces of the Watanagshi Competition!"
"Wata-what?" Haruhi was puzzled, then said, "never mind." Then an idea flashed in her head, "So I heard that during the old days, you actually took people here and gruesomely sacrificed them here! Is it true?" That took the local kids by surprise.
"Yeah..." Mion said, "but we live in a modern era. We don't such stuff anymore." She let out a sunny smile to make the day happy. Haruhi is not convinced. She then looked at the statue.
"Is that your Oyashiro-sama?" She asked.
"Yup," Rika said, "he is. The guardian deity of our village. The press has been cropping his name from time to time."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Itsuki sympathized. Taniguchi looked at and noticed something.
"Hey," he said, "the shrine is just like the one in Code Geass when Lelouche-"
"Wait, Taniguchi," Tsuruya stopped him.
"What?" He asked.
"Spoilers!" She answered.
"Aw, you're no fun." He wept.
"So what other places do you want us to visit?" Haruhi asked, now bored in a few seconds.
"Well," Rena said, "we were planning to show around to places like the Bridge or the Sonozaki Torture Chamber, are some other places where no one can hear you scream in Hinamizawa."
"Wait, did I just hear 'torture chamber?'" Haruhi asked nonplussed.
"Of course not, there's nothing here to make you distrust us." She replied happily.
"Well, that's great. What can you show us next?"
"Our next stop: the Onigafuchi Swamp."
At the Onigafuchi Swamp...
Everyone looked the lake and liked the view. "Wow, this is breathtaking!" Kunikda's eyes widened at the marsh's beauty. "I could take a dip in it."
"Yeah, but I think I wouldn't suggest that," Mion said. "According to our legends, this is where the demons emerged to take people for them to feast on during the night of the festival."
"Whoa, that's scary," Itsuki tried to imagine Satan's minions coming out of that lake. Apparently, he could picture them taking dip in a mountain lake. How 'bout you? Do you take a dip here?"
Rena thought about that and said, "Well... no. We don't. You see, we never swim here cause the waters all cold and all. And that there could be somebody watching from the woods nearby." She pointed to the woods around the lake.
"Oh, I see," Haruhi said. She then smiled, "Hey, everyone! Let's have a sexy pictorial featuring Mikuru here!"
"What?" She screamed and trembled. She doesn't like the idea of Haruhi making her pose in a lake dressed in scanty outfits or worse, nude.
"But we don't have any clothes around," Kyon reminded.
She sighed,"Oh.. right. Then go back to the hotel and get her clothes!" The moe whimpered on hearing that. Then an old man came out of the bushes with a fishing rod. He had happy smile of your favorite grandpa.
"Oh, good morning Mr. Kimiyoshi," Mion greeted.
"Good morning, Mion-san," he greeted back. "You got a new load of friend over there."
"Nah, they're just tourists," she replied. She ten faced the SOS Brigade, "I would like you to meet our puppet, I mean, the head of this village, Kiichirou Kimiyoshi."
"Mornin' youngins," He greeted cheerily. "Enjoying the tour?"
"Nah," Haruhi said, " not really. We never got see any murders, Uh! I mean the festival."
"That's okay, ma'am, It's just a few days away for your friends to enjoy." He took a small yellow piece from his basket and stuck it to the lure. Tsuruya instantly sniffed the air. She realized that there's smoked cheese around!
"Hey, Grandpa," she asked desperately, "is there any smoked cheese around?"
Kimiyoshi didn't reply for 30 seconds, nonplussed. Then he said, "What, this?" He held out the lure, "no, this here's just regular cheese."
"But I smelled smoked cheese somewhere," she blurted, her mouth salivating, "I can feel it."
"I'm sorry, ma'am but I think is just over-expired cheese which I used for bait. There's no such thing as smoked cheese." He smiled happily. He thought, however, Shit! Those kids are on to me! They'll never find my stash of smoked cheese, never!
"Aw, man," LOL -Fang-tan moaned.
"Are you a perv?" Haruhi asked excitedly.
"Heavens no," he replied. "I just like to fish here."
"And why are you fishing in lake reportedly haunted by demons?" Kunikida asked.
"That's because no one comes here so I get the best fishing spot in the world all to my self." He answered Kunikida.
As they went on talking. Kyon looked at the lake and had a different though.
Victor Charlie...
DMZ Vietnam, 1200 hrs February 9, 1968
The Huey raced over the jungle as air alive with tracers and RPG fire from the Viet Cong. It managed to make its way to the river but started taking more hits. Kuzimski, Fudge-pacher, and Tanner fall off screaming. Kinkaid clung to the skids.
"Wheeee~!" He screamed ,"This is more fun than wakesurfing!" But something hit his ass and he went down screaming. Then something hit the it on the tail and caused it to spin out of control.
"Take a deep breath and hold it right before we go into the water!" Woods fast-talked to Mason, gripping his wrist, "The chopper will suck us down. Kick for the surface and keep kicking. Don't let go of my hand. We're gonna make it, Rose. Trust me!" The door gunner fell down too but they ignored him.
"I trust you but I'm not Rose and this ain't no Titanic!" Replied Mason, "And we don't hold fuckin' hands." Then the Huey splashed into the water- hard.
Inside the Saiguden(Torture Shack)...
Satoshi didn't join the rest of gang but instead went home to do an odious chore: cleaning the Saiguden. He entered it and light shone on the stuff, besides the torture implements, includes an electric chair, some Egyptian mummies, Jimmy Hoffa's dried-out corpse, an armory of weapons, a collection of swords, suits or armor, Montezuma's cursed gold pieces and much more. He usually does the heavy cleaning for the shed when Rika is too tired or too short to do some of it. He took in mops, buckets, wax, rugs for wiping, polish for the instruments and stuff.
He sighed when he saw a bag and its strewn contents, "Look's like someone had here broke in again." It's the first time, though. A Russian mafia hitman broke in here by accident and had a one-way trip to Crazy Shion's Hardware House, five miles west of the Furude Shrine. Whatever, he thought. He began by dusting some off some them, polishing another set and mopping and waxing here and there. While he was cleaning a nasty looking-spike device, he accidentally cut his hand.
"Ugh!" He grunted. Some droplets of blood fell on the floor. He looked at. "Okay, I guess I should be more careful. Gotta clean this up before I get tetanus or septicemia." He left the room to clean up and bandage his hand.
In hell...
In the darkest bowels of the underworld lies the most sadistic and exclusive S&M club ever to be built in Hades: the Acupuncture. Join Pinhead and his band, the Cenobites, as they torture sinners on the most painful and mind-riveting ways possible. Clientele includes Satan, Lambdadelta, Saddam Hussien and Adolf Hitler. In fact, the Fuhrer is tonight's main attraction. He's dressed in a frilly maid outfit as he walked into the stage. Then he takes a selection of pineapples from a closet.
"No, no, no," booed the patrons, "Bigger!"
He took a biggest, sharpest-looking pineapple from closet. "You're schnearious?" He asked. The Cenobite in charge nodded. Hitler quickly bent over without question.
"AAARGGGGH!" He screamed as the pineapple was pushed in. The patrons hooted, cheered and clapped hysterically. There was also some more screaming backstage. Frank Cotton was getting more than his fair share of pain. Not what he wanted at all. The Cenobites decided to call it a day and left him alone to face a pool on the ceiling leading the Saiguden. It looks like he could make his escape if he could just let go of his binds. But no! He has to face the fact unless and blood sacrifice can be made from the world of the living at the Saiguden, he'll just be staring at it for the rest of his life but something did happen. A pretty blond boy cut himself in the hands and spilled blood where he got suck in. It caused a ripple effect on the mystic window and now that he could only just take off the binds...
He yanked himself free and fell off from the rack. The Cenobites didn't tie him up that tight. He then climbed to the mystical pool leading to the shrine.
Back in the shed...
Satoshi came back with his bandage hand and continued cleaning. He did not notice a shape taking shape on the floor. Frank's face did take shape. He looked around and said with stereotypical evil tone. "At last. My freedom is only a climb away. I shall- Ugh! Ahhh! What the hell-!" Satoshi was mopping his face, barely noticing it or his screams. He mopped vigorously while Frank suffered even more torment as his face got cleaned. Then Satoshi bend over and started wiping it dry and applied floor wax- hot floor wax!
"ARRRGGHH!" He screamed as the boy poured the steamy hot stuff on the floor and spread it. Then wiped it all over until he's finished.
"Hoo! That does it!" He jubilantly said as he packed up, satisfied the the job is finished. When he left the building, Frank was moaning from all the pain he got on the face. It was worse than what he got in hell! He did not know, however, that there is a MILFy looking women watching everything from the shadows of the implements. She smiled happily and knowingly, to know that she found what she was looking for.
Oh goodness, looks like things are gonna get hot in Hinamizawa. Will out heroes make it? Will Kyon come in terms with his hidden past and PTSD? Will Itsuki try to make sense of it all and find Arakawa? Is there a hidden conspiracy? Find out later in the next chapter! And I got the AFO idea from the new Medal of Honor game.
I've Vietnamised the names of the Higurashi characters in the first part of the chapter with exemption of the doctor Irie Kyosuke(Erich Kosky).
Always go full pyscho...
(Based on the funny and controversial Full Retard part of Tropic Thunder)
Itsuki admits to Kunikida, "There were times while I was killing celestials where I felt..." He paused and sighed. "... psychotic. Like really psychotic."
"Damn!" Kunikdia replied.
"In a weird way I had to sort of just control myself to believe that I was still sane." He confessed.
"To be cool while you kill." He asked
"Yeah!" He replied
"To be in control of yourself."
"Exactly, to be in control of myself."
"Like the most pathological mother fucker that ever lived."
Itsuki replied, "... When I'm killing celestails."
Kunikida gave him a piece of advice, "Everybody knows you have to go full psycho."
"Whaddya mean?"
"To kill, bubba, to kill." He explained. "Check it out. Kotonoha Katsura, School Days - looks helpless, acts sweet, but full psycho. Dated Makoto, carried a hack knife, slashed open her friend, sho', full psycho. You got Lucy, Elfen Lied - sexy, yes, demented sure, but she charmed the pants off the audience, that's psychotic. Kira Death Note - kills with notebook, yeah, normal no. You never went full pyscho, man... Always go full psycho. You don't buy that? Ask Nina Einstein, 2006-2007, 2008, Code Geass - racist table humper, never went full psycho, character reception- almost Zero."
"Zero?" He asked.
"Yes, zero. In fact in terms of Code Geass fanbase, she is the opposite of Zero- zero fans." He concluded.