Baka to Tsundere no Naku Koro ni-Part 4
South Park has finally come to town! And Julia lodges at Norman Bate's inn? Oh my God, what have I done to write such a horrible abomination? Who cares! Just sink into the hysteria and see what happens. Special credit goes to Gladiator Beast MCK and his The Mirage of Haruhi Suzumiya for giving me the idea of the multi-crossover plot and giving it music. And special thanks to Elred Bluegreen.
Freaky Afternoon
At the tunnel...
The smoked cleared and the dust settled sufficiently to allow the soot-covered chibis and hamsters to inspect the extent of the explosion. Achakura coughed while Churuya chirped happily, "Holy shit, you see that friggin' rock come apart, Achakura? Shit, I've never seen rocks explode like that before, man."
Achakura blurted to her, "Are you trying to get us killed? That was danger close."
"Aw, screw it, little Achakura," she replied to her, "By midnight, we'll be cracking the mother lode and rollin' in smoked cheese."
"But how are supposed to get all the stuff out? Can't we just get a piece of that stuff and go home?" Churuya instantly turned around at her blue-haired sidekick.
"What?" she asked, "Are we here to take a piece? Is that why we're here? No! I'm not here to take a piece, or two pieces, or three! I'M HERE TO TAKE THE WHOLE THING! And I'm not gonna chicken out 'cause someone's says that it's too risky. Now, answer me this one, Achakura: Are you in or out?"
Achakura gulped, "Uh... Yes, I guess."
"Good! That's the spirit, Achakura. Play the game like you've got nothing to lose." Churuya then turned to the hamsters, "Alright, ham-hams, let's get this show on the road!" The hamsters snapped back into formation and began working again.
"Looks like she watched Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve and The Italian Job far too many times," Achakura muttered to herself as she went along with them.
Esper Command...
Echoing into emptiness, Itsuki was replaying the scene in his mind where his bosses talked to him before his friends gathered around to rescue him. At the Agency situation room, among the digital screens watching the world, one of them comtained the map of Hinamizawa. Operators on it were alert to a red dot that appeared at the village.
"Sir," one of them turned to General Shepherd, "one of our agents on location-6934-is down. His transponder is activated."
"My God..." Shepherd muttered, "see if we can patch him through, Jack."
Just as Itsuki crawled out of Conan O'Brien's car, amidst the burning and the popping of corn from the trunk , his codec rang. He heard Shepherd's voice, "Koizumi, talk to me. Are you there?"
With that, he put it on talk and said in a slurred voice, "Hellooo... This is Snake..."
"Cut that crap," Shepherd snapped, "what happened to you?"
"Kyon...," he breathed, "he went loco..." Back at the sit-room, Gendo Ikari appeared.
"Let me talk to Koizumi," he said to General Shepherd.
"Not until I assess the situation on the ground with him," he curtly replied, "Koizumi, do you have fix on Arakawa's position?"
A pause, "No...," the esper croaked in despair.
"Okay, give me the codec," Gendo ordered Shepherd.
"Hell no, Ikari," he snapped back, "go back to your pastime of groping innocent sexy fourteen year-olds."
"Just let me talk to him, goddamnit!" He tried to pry the receiver out of his hand.
"Up yours, you frigging bureaucrat!" Shepherd pushed his head away with his hand.
Over the codec, he could hear their fight. "Give me that!" Shepherd shouted.
"Let go!" Ikari snapped.
"Give me the fucking piece!"
"Fuck off!" And there were sounds of a brief scuffle which ended with a audibe 'whack!'. Then he heard Ikari's voice.
"Koizumi, what the hell happened to your mission?" He demanded.
"I don't know..." Itsuki wearily replied, "I just got butt-fucked by Kyon."
"Do you have any trace of his whereabouts? Do you have his intel?"
"I told you!" He moaned, "I don't have anything on him yet!"
"Don't give me excuses, Koizumi," he said icily, "We're a results oriented agency, and I want my results."
"But how could I if I'm stuck in a car!"
"Listen, the director would be reviewing our performance this month and he will be reviewing our budget. If you don't get us Arakawa soon, you better start packing your bags 'cause I'll send you on the first flight to Greenland." He hung couldn't quite believe what he just heard. He put it on talk again.
"What's your name, sir?" he asked.
"Gendo Ikari, and don't talk to me again. Not until this job's finished," he coldly snapped. He heard a click on the other end.
"Greenland...?" Itsuki said to himself. He then proceeded to do one thing he thought he would never do. He shrieked, "AHHH! Fuck you, Ikari! Stupid fucking bureaucratic self-promoter! When I come back, I'll shove a large stack of weed up your ass to see if you get high up your crack! I'll use Johnny Cage's Yoga C(bleep!)kpunch!" And Itsuki became a HELL of a lot liberal with his profanities when everyone appeared. Haruhi looked at the foul-mouth ranting esper before she decided to whack on him on the head. He moaned loudly.
"Oh my God!" Keiichi was stunned, "he has Tourette's syndrome!"
As they pulled him out of the wreckage, Haruhi ordered to a moaning Itsuki, "Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain!" And the echo into his mind, "Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain...!
The Irie Clinic...
He then woke up with a hazy field of view, light bearing down on his eyes that caused him to see colors. He groaned loudly. Then his vision got better. He saw a good-looking doctor. He had a nice smile and a voice of a feathery English dandy. The esper realized that he was lying on a bed.
"I see that you're okay, Mr. Koizumi," He said to Itsuki. Something's not right when he looked at his face. He also noticed that he was wearing a hospital gown and then he looked at his side and so what was left of his clothes and the codec lying on a gurney.
"Where am I?" He asked wearily, standing up. He also noticed that he was wearing a semi-transparent hospital gown.
"Oh, Mr. Koizumi," he replied cheerily, "you're in my clinic." Itsuki was relieved that he was in the clinic and not in the torture/brainwashing ward of Kyouko's agency.
"Oh thanks," he said. Then he asked him a question. "Are you Dr. Hannibal Lecter?" The doctor chuckled.
"Oh, heavens no," he answered, "I'm Dr. Irie, director of the Irie Clinic. Dr. Hannibal Lecter is out of town giving a lecture to a university."
"I thought you're Dr. Lecter."
"You're all mistaken," he explained, "everybody thinks he works here although his specialty is psychology. Still, he does help out pro bono at my clinic from time to time. He's also nice man too." The doctor smiled.
"Where is he right now?" Inquired Itsuki.
"He's currently lecturing at Tokyo and a school in the south called North High right now but he'll be back here for the festival."
"So, Dr. Lecter comes back here to enjoy the festival?"
"That's right. You know, the reason why Hinamizawa became so popular is because he invited his friends here, not the murders," Irie explained with his feathery English voice.
"I see," he replied, "that's an interesting fact of the day-" Itsuki groaned loudly. "God, it hurts..."
"Oh my, we shouldn't have been talking for that long," Irie said, "lie down please."
Itsuki didn't hear and got off the bed, "Speaking of which... can you tell me about the murders here?"
"Mr. Koizumi, please lie down so I can administer your treatment." The doctor asked.
"Please, Dr. Irie," he pleaded, "I need to know- Ugh!"
"Mr. Koizumi," Irie reminded him, "get on the bed, lie down and stay there until I'm finished with my business."
"Oh... alright," Itsuki said, conceding to that order. He can't ask about anything, not right now.
"Oh Mr. Koizumi, your shoulders are so rugged and tense. I have a lollipop for when this is all finished-it's in my pants."
"Okay," the esper cheered, "let's get it on. I don't have my Twinkie with me though."
"Trust me, Mr. Koizumi, a lollipop is better than a Twinkie."
"Oh, that's nice," Itsuki said happily, "so this your clinic."
"Yes, quite certainly so..." And they did some small talk. Outside the room...
"Kyon, that's disgusting," Haruhi muttered as Kyon ate a snack, a fruitcake out of a can(yes, a can). Both of them had change back to their highschool uniforms.
"It's what they ate back in 'Nam," he replied as he forked another piece from the tin.
"But this isn't Saigon now, we're in Hinamizawa," she snapped at him.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," he said being uninterested.
"And you owe Itsuki an apology," she added.
"After I finish my fruitcake." Kyon said nonchalantly. Haruhi sighed, crossed her arms and pouted. Inside something's cooking up. They can hear it from their seats.
"That must have been a bad fall for you, Mr. Koizumi," Irie commented.
"Yeah, I know and it hurts even more when Conan O' Brien crashed his car on top of me," Itsuki asked. Then he asked, "Dr. Irie... what are you doing?"
"Oh, Mr. Koizumi," the doctor replied, "don't worry. I'm just about to take your temperature." Several seconds of silence... then came out a high-pitched girl-like shriek with the sounds of a wild struggle.
BOOM!
Itsuki burst through the door, startling Haruhi and Kyon. "AAAARRRGGHH!" He screamed as he ran out of the room, "Keep away from me, Dr. Teabagger!" He ran around screaming, wearing nothing but a hospital gown. "Go away from me, Dr. Buttraider! PhD in Assmastery! Backdoor exploration!" The esper ranted.
They sat there, being pretty shocked by what they saw, a piece of fruitcake fell from Kyon's gaping mouth, but what's next made their eye pop wide open. Emerging from the room is Dr. Irie-with his pants down. Inside, they peered and saw the room was a total wreck. He tried to plead to Itsuki with his pants still on his ankle, "Koizumi-kun, please wait! I still have to treat you~!"
But Itsuki only replied poetically, "Treatment? How dare you do the unnaturral, o fondler of of male youth not of age!"
"I'm sorry, maybe I was a little hasty," Apologized Irie.
"Sorry?" Itsuki half-screamed, "you were trying to bugger me, Dr. Eerie! You were trying to violate me with your..." he whispered, "'lollipop'!"
"Please calm down, Mr. Koizumi, don't make it worse. I was just trying to help you." He pleaded again.
"'Help me?' With what! Your patented cherry-flavored candyball-on-a-stick? You should be sent to the happy farm!" Judging by this conversation, Kyon realized he's straight after all.
"But please, I only want to have someone to drink milkshakes together with," the doctor replied dramatically.
"Well, I'm not gonna drink milkshakes with you!" Itsuki screamed. "I'm going to ask Zeus, Lord of Olympus, to shove a lightning bolt up your ass!"
"Please Koizumi-kun, don't be over dramatic." Irie said to him, "I just wanted to feel wanted."
"You will! When I report you to the police!" the esper snapped at him. There was some silence. Then Irie finally spoke.
"Oh Koizumi-kun, you're calm now. I think we should continue the treatment."
"ARRRRGGGH!" Itsuki screamed girlishly and ran off.
Outisde, at the reception lobby, Takano Miyo, the nurse on station, is getting holding a clip-holder to see who's on the appointment roster. She said, "Like, next person please."
"ARRRGHHH!" A shout from inside and Itsuki broke the door open. Dressing in the hospital gown, the patients were shocked to see a butt-naked boy running around. He looked to them and screamed, "Please, o you decent senior citizens! Turn back, I say, from this charlatan who masquerades here like a man of science! A man who took the oath of Hippocrates and perverted it for his own ends! Hide your lovers, hide your husbands!..." He whispered, "... Hide your sons." Some of the old women among them are have blood trickling down their noses.
"Koizumi-kun, please wait," Irie called in his flighty gay voice.
"To hell with thou, o fiend! Thou must burn in the thousand fires of Hades to pay for your unnatural 'inclinations'!" He pointed an accusing finger at him.
"Please don't make a scene, Koizumi-kun," he replied, "I would like to preserve the peaceful atmosphere of my clinic."
"How can I not refrain from that if you keep on using 'kun' on me? If you're trying to 'probe' me?" He wailed back.
"Calm down, Itsuki," the doctor said, "let's just settle this peacefully. Don't be naughty~."
His eyes went wide open, "You said my first name?" He nodded with a grin. Itsuki turned to the crowd, "He said my first name? He said my first name? You said my first name? Arrggh! I can't take it anymore! ARRRGGH!" He dashed out through the door and into the parking lot, shrieking and running around like a headless chicken until an ambulance came to a screeching halt, hitting and sending him flying into the nearby trees, hurting him some more.
"That was a mighty fine peepshow you gave to us, Dr. Irie," one of the old ladies said to the doctor with a naughty smile. Haruhi and Kyon were still too much in shock to do anything.
"Hey Haruhi," Kyon asked, not letting go off that stare, "Wanna go get Itsuki?"
"Ugh... sure," she replied still nonplussed.
"Good, I'll go get his stuff." Then Kyon went back to the room to retrieve the esper's belongings while Haruhi went outside to get Itsuki, And the crew of the ambulance that crashed into him unloaded to transfer the Anti-SOS Brigade to a hospital, despite the fact they suffered only light injuries compared to Itsuki, who was the one to actually suffer the most. Then he heard a bunch of patients talk amongst themselves.
"Oh really? He must have been snatched by a demon," said one of them.
"Oh yeah, the creepy British guy," remarked another. He then asked, "Who was he?"
"I think his name's Frank Cotton. And ever since he disappeared, we've got more tourist coming and going to our town ever since," added a third.
"Wait, how about the way it gave a bad name to our town?" Asked the first.
"Oh yeah," the second said, "when Tony Blair paid a visit."
A fourth complained, "Why can't these tourist just keep their noses to themselves? I hoped they all end up the same way." Kyon sat by to record the entire conversation.
Earlier...
Rena was joyfully carrying the screaming moe on her arms when she was accosted by Taniugchi, Mion and Tsuruya. Tsuruya challenged her. "Give me my best friend back!"
"No!" She retorted, "We won so I get to keep to Mikuru with me!" She tried to move to another direction but LOL Fang-tan blocked her.
"I said her back!" She growled, flashing her fang.
"No!" She shouted back. That pissed of the cheese addict. Mion tried to mediate.
"Let's not get hasty, Miss Tsuruya-" She said trying to placate her but she was knocked her out of the way the raging cheese-eater.
"Why I oughta-!" Tsuruya grumbled as she approached Rena. She looked menacing enough but Rena, being the cute one, doesn't want to fight her. Then the ginger came up with an idea.
"If you let me through, I'll give some smoked cheese." Rena chriped.
Tsuruya shouted with glee, "What! Really! Where is it?"
"It's in my locker back in the school," she said slyly.
"Okay, smoked cheese, here I come!" She yelled.
"No, wait!" Mion tried to warn her, "It's not what you think! It's not smoked cheese, it's-" Too late, she rushed back to the school, leaving speed lines, dust clouds and a sonic boom.
Tsuruya got her locker anyway. On it is the name RYUUGU. Out of her sheer excitement she opened it with her bare hands, making the metal scrunch loudly as she ripped the door apart and threw it away, and saw the edible gold cubes she's been looking for. Then she gobbled them up in one mouthful- with the plastic still on- and chewed happily until...
"BLEEEAAARRRRGHH, NYORO~!" A loud grumbling noise came from the direction of the school. It darkened the day.
"That's my stale Limburger cheese which has been sitting in my locker for four months," she happily explained and got away. Mion and Taniguchi were stunned by what they just heard.
"Tsuruya!" Taniguchi screamed in distress and ran to do the school. He went to the lockers and was distraught to see an unconscious Tsuruya, her eyes turned into swirls. He knelt and wailed, "Oh Tsuruya, why did I let you go there on your own? Why!" He began sobbing when she gave out signs of life. "Tsuruya! You're alive! Thank God!"
Overjoyed, he added "Don't worry, Churuya! I'll save you!" He thought of giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but he doesn't like to relish the rancid taste of cheese in her mouth so he decided to do CPR. He proceeded to put placed his clasped hands on her chest.
WHACK! The playboy instantly received a large fist on the mouth from LOL Fang-tan. Apparently, she hates it when Taniguchi administers life-saving first aid. Meanwhile...
Rena had finally took Mikuru to her house. Inside she put her on a comfy armchair. "We're here, Mikuru! Welcome to my humble abode. Now sit here and be comfortable while I fix up a snack."
Mikuru paused for a few seconds. "Um... okay."
"Great, we'll have a great time together. And don't forget to meet Kenta-kun." She said pointing to another chair before she skipped to the kitchen. Mikuru turned her head to the other chair and saw an old man cosplaying as Colonel Sanders.
"Uh..." Mikuru was wierded out by that sight, "good afternoon, Col. Sanders."
"Mikuru," he said to her, "if you knew me, I'm not Col. Sanders." Mikuru blinked her eyes thrice in bewilderment on realizing who it was. The face was familiar and so is the voice.
"Arakawa?" She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.
"That's right, Mikuru," he replied, "it's me from the island mansion." He fumbled his tea cup and saucer a bit.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, not feeling good within.
"It's a long story, Miss Asahina but to make it short," he related, "I was on a routine assignment when I have mysterious people following me. I was able to get away by dressing up as the colonel near a KFC restaurant but this girl came and took me home as a collectible."
"She did?" She huddled herself.
"Yes, and I've been here ever since." He frowned, looking at his tea cup.
"So... what's it like being here with her?" She inquired, naturally being curious.
"Well, it's not that bad. She serves me snacks and we play board games together. We watch anime DVDs and..."
"And what?" Mikuru asked, "you made her feel... happy?" She got the wrong message.
"No, no, Mikuru," he placated, "that's not what you think. I'm not that kind of person." Clearly, yeah. Which would explain why he never scored with Mori.
"Oh," she chirped.
"Ah, yes. And we would drink..." He paused. "WHAT I'M I SAYING!" He screamed, "She's keeping me here against my will! She's forcing to do all this cute stuff and make me wear pink dresses! She thinks I'm a living toy!" He bowed down and sobbed. She grabbed Mikuru by the collar of her dress and shook her. "Are you here to rescue me? Please say that you are!"
"Kenta-kun... What are you doing?" Rena stood at the doorway of the kitchen. The kitchen lights shown behind, casting a scary Omen-like shadow. And her freaky cat-like eyes shown too. She slowly walked to them. "What are you doing with Mikuru?"
He quickly got back to his seat, "Ugh, nothing to worry about, Miss Rena. I'm just having a little chat with our new friend, Miss Mikuru." He quickly put on an embarrassed smile. Rena wasn't pleased.
"What were you talking about?" She inquired, not letting that stare of hers go.
"Um... we were just talking about some things that Mikuru would like to do today," he chuckled awkwardly, "Right, Mikuru?" He nudged Mikuru with his elbow.
"Yes, that's right," Mikuru quickly said. Then Rena smiled back to her cute happy self.
"Thanks for reminding me, Kenta-kun," she chirped, "we should play something!"
"Yes, yes, that's right," Arakawa nodded instantly, "we should play a game." But Rena got her face close to his.
"Oh no," she noted worriedly, "you forgot to take your happy medicine. But don't worry, Rena will feed you."
"Ugh, thanks, Miss Rena," Mikuru said, "but he's not into them today."
"Nonsense," she replied, "he needs it badly." She took a spoon and a bottle of cough syrup. She poured some of it into the spoon and proceeded to feed him. "Say 'A', Kenta-kun."
"Oh please, Rena," he said back pretending to blush, "you're so kind but I can't take it right now." Rena then tickled him into laughing and shoved the spoon into his throat. "*Ulp!*" She pulled it out.
"There," she said cutely, "feeling better?" Arakawa just sat there with a stunned look on his face.
"Mr. Arakawa, ugh, I mean Kenta-kun," Mikuru asked her, "are you okay?" In flash, Arakawa jumped from the chair and stood out.
"Why, I feel a little flighty, deary!" Arakawa replied in a bubbly voice. His face is all sunny with cute eyes, looking like he just came out of looney town. "I'm ready to have some fun today!"
"Yay, Kenta-kun is ready to play," Rena danced to her feet. "Miss Mikuru, wanna join us?"
"Well, ugh..." Mikuru was undecided, seeing the crazy turn of events.
But Arakawa danced like a fairy and said, "Please Mikuru, don't be a killjoy! We will have so many adventures together! Better than Miss Suzumiya's club! We will be best friends with Rena forever!"
The moe mulled over what they said. Rena, for all her weirdness, is being nice to her. She then went back to her time with the SOS Brigade. She thought back to Haruhi, the jerk goddess who abused her almost everyday. She realized about how much she actually hated her, her eyes went on fire. She then went to Kyon, the levelheaded cynic of the Brigade. She loved about how much he defended her from Haruhi's wrath one too many times. But seeing him crack up that day, she decided not to have sex with that psycho. There's Itsuki, the smiley-faced prick who served as Haruhi's lapdog. He's always rambling something psychological to Kyon, all the while she gets raped by Haru-whore Suzumiya. He also think that he's probably a gay or something since he talks to Kyon most of the time. And with that creepy smile, no doubt that he's a pedophile. So Itsuki Koizumi is just second on her hate list. There's Yuki... Well, Yuki doesn't do much anyway. She turned back to Rena. She noticed her face is cute and full of happiness. She also realized that something's fuzzy inside her is coming up. She couldn't describe it though but she liked the way she stood up to that bitch Suzumiya. She looked at Arakawa and decided that she doesn't care much about him.
"So, Mikuru. Wanna have some fun?" Rena asked cutely, swaying her body happily. There's something about her that made her feel warm and strange.
"Yes!" she cutely agreed. "let's have a good time!"
Both Rena and Arakawa jumped to their feet, "Hooray!"
She took Mikuru by the hands and danced with her, "That's wonderful, Mikuru! Let's watch my Visions of Escaflowne and Tokyo Mew Mew DVDs!"
Surprised that she watches her favorite anime, she shouted jubilantly, "You watch them?"
"Yeah, and what are we waiting for, Mikuru? Let's go!"
Arakawa jumped in, "And drink lemon-flavored cream soda!"
"Yay!" All three of them shouted together and sung the latter anime's crappy English OP, "Team up, team up are you up for it? Put your hand in mine, it's a perfect fit! Team up, team up, are you up for it?"
Outside Satoshi was just passing by when he heard them sing it and he muttered to herself, "Please don't sing that song 'cause it sounds like shit."
Puzzle box from Hell...
"According to Wikipedia, this thing is the Lament Configuration," Rika explained to Hanyuu pointing to the computer screen while the box sat next to the monitor. "It's a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence. The solution of the puzzle creates a bridge through which beings may travel in either direction across this 'Schism'."
"Oh my," Hanyuu shivered. "Is that all?"
"No, that's not all," she continued, "The inhabitants of these other realms may seem demonic to humans. Yeah, you're right, Hanyuu. This thing could be a gateway to Hell." The horned little girl shivered from knowing just another deadly fact about that little box.
"Read the history section then," she said to Rika.
"Alright," she clicked on it. She said to her, "It's a part of a collection known as Lermachand's boxes created by Philip Lemarchand, who makes toys and singing birds. But the Lament Configuration was made specially for a French nobleman who is obsessed with black magic named Duc de L'Isle. Apparently, this guy wants to go to hell early."
"This doesn't look good. First, a creepy British guy disappears during the night of last year's festival and now, in his possession is a puzzle box that leads people to Satan himself," Hanyuu muttered worriedly.
"Not to mention some Viagra, a novel by Marquee De Sade, and gay porn," Rika muttered. "What the hell is he doing with it anyway?"
"Um..." Hanyuu suggested, "I think he stole it from the mob?"
Rika mulled over that for a while. Then she said, "No, I don't think so. If he stole it from the mob, why the hell would he come all the way here to Hinamizawa?"
"Um, maybe Shion ordered it?"
"I doubt she could afford something like that or even know how to use it," Rika icily replied. Then as she got off the chair to give herself another drink, she knocked an old book of the shelf titled TV Tropes' Guide to Artifacts of Doom. "Oh God, clumsy me." She looked at the book rather curiously, "What is this...?" She opened it and read it.
"Hau~," Hanyuu whelped as they did, "this book states that Lament Configuration is used to summon the most hedonistic supernatural pleasures of the universe. It's been in the hands of infamous murderers and sadists since its creation and often used in gruesome occult rituals."
"Oh God," Rika shuddered, "what the hell was he planning to do with this thing?"
"I don't think it's a good idea to keep it here," Haynuu whined.
"You're right. But there's one where we can trust someone to hide it. For now, it's happy hour." She closed the book and went to the table to drink some more wine.
South Park tour...
Mion and Keiichi were at the Overlook talking about the crazy events of the day.
"Just our luck, Mion," He began, "First, we have Mr. SM Fetishist disappear on the night of our fine festival. Now we have a Deadpan Snarker who went Paranoia Agent on everyone's asses."
"It couldn't get any worst, Keiichi," Mion replied, "We have a bunch of townspeople coming from America to visit our town on a goodwill tour."
"It sounds like Oyashiro is bringing more problems to our town for opening up." He moaned.
"Hey, get a hold of yourself," She shook him, "not as the worst the live action versions ourselves in the real world."
"Oh yeah," He agreed, "It couldn't get any worst." Yes, their live action versions do look crappy.
"All we have to do is think positive," Mion suggested.
"Think positive," he repeated. It felt relieving to him.
"Yes, Keiichi. Think positive."
"Think positive." He breathed in.
"Think positive." There was pause. Mion then asked. "Now... how are you feeling?"
"I feel better already," he replied. "It was like the time when Shion whipped your sexy ass."
Mion's face went red with anger, "You told me there was no film in that camera!"
"I lied," Keiichi sticked out his tongue. Mion grunted. Then her cellphone alarm went off. She took it out and looked at it. It read 2: 15.
Keiichi then looked through the binoculars, "Oh my God, Mion. The tourists are here early."
"Oh shit!" She got to her feet, "Keiichi, come with me!" The two ran off back to the village to get ready.
A large crowd of people were walking to into the village. One of them, Randy Marsh, said to his wife, "Hey, honey check it out. The beauty of rural Japan."
"My God, it's wonderful. We should come here on our anniversary," Sharon Marsh chirped.
"One of the wonderful things about a trip sponsored by the State of Colorado," Herbert Garrison said to his sock puppet, "right, Mr. Hat?" Then he spoke to himself... as Mr. Hat, "We sure do, Mr. Garrison. Now when do we get to fuck some Asian maid hoes?"
Among the crowd, however, their little ones are enjoying it. Less than they expected.
"So... this is rural Japan?" Kyle said almost as if he was something disappointing.
"Hey guys," Stan pointed to a sign near the shrine, "check out it. What does it say?"
"Let me read the phrasebook," Cartman said, "Oh sorry, Kyle. No Jews allowed at this point."
"Dammit, Cartman," Kyle retorted, "That's not what it says!"
Mion appeared and said to them, "It says 'no littering'."
Kyle was stunned, "I'm Mion Sonozaki."
Then Keiichi appeared, "And I'm Keiichi Meabara. And today we're gonna be your tour guides." *Stereotypical anime shine*
The boys jumped back in surprise. Stan spoke out, "You're our tour guides."
"Why, yes," Keiichi replied happily, "we're here to foster friendship and promote cross-cultural understanding."
"Wow, dude, that's bad ass," Kyle said.
Then Mayor McDaniels showed up, "Thank you boys for meeting our guides." She then turned to them, "Konichiwa, Maebara-san, Sonozaki-san." And they spoke Japanese, to which the boys just wouldn't bother to understand.
"Goddamint," Cartman said, "this place is worst than Asspen."
"For once in my life, Cartman, I do agree," Kyle remarked.
"That Sonozaki," the fatboy mused, "her name sounds Jewish."
"Goddamnit, Cartman!" Kyle snapped, "enough with that freakin' Jewish slur."
"I got an idea," Stan suggested, "why don't we ditch this tour and go on our own." The other boys cheered.
"Great, idea, Stan. Let's go while they're to busy with those two." Cartman said.
"Hey fellas," Butters said, "Can I tag along?"
"Hell no, Butters," Cartman fumed, "you can't go with us. Your folks would be awfully pissed if you're lost."
Kenny said through his hood, "Yeah, you're a pussy. You'll probably not make it back to the hotel if you do get lost."
"C'mon guys, let's ditch this turd," Cartman suggested and they left him. And the poor boy sighed
Butters looked all around his new surroundings: the exotic world of rural Japan. Everywhere he looked it felt like he was in a totally different world. Sure, he knew what Japan is from social studies class and anime. This was an altogether different story. And he's a somewhat frightened.
As he looked around, his eyes met with purple eyes of, amazingly, a blond girl. They have blond people living here on Japan? He thought with surprise. The mild-mannered boy had an unexplained feeling: butterflies were flying in his stomach, his heart had beat faster and faster, he felt the world had come a halt... And he felt a little awkward.
"Uh, hello there," greeted the girl politely. he couldn't answer quickly. He was at a loss of words, partly from his awkwardness and partly from his parents' warning: 'Don't talk to strangers or you'll be grounded for the rest of the trip.' He most certainly didn't want that.
"Um... excuse me?" She said to him again. Jolted out of his lapse, he straightened his back and put on his best behavior.
"Um," he stammered, "It's a pleasant afternoon to meet you, ma'am." His words were very polite and formal, befitting the way he was raised in contrast to the 'pleasant' ways his parents are currently treating him.
The girl chuckled appreciatively, "That was cute."
"Really?" He asked, his face turning a little red.
"Yeah, I never heard anyone sound like that before." Her laughter sounded like sunshine to him.
"Gee whiz," he twiddled with his fingers, "Thanks for the complement. And by the way, My name is Leopold Stotch," he said more openly, "but you can call me Butters."
"That's a nice name," the girl replied, "I'm Satoko Hojo."
"Wow, that's a wonderful name," he replied.
"Really?" She asked in wonder.
"Yeah, that's right. I've never heard of it before." He gazed at her angelic fanged face.
"What do you think of our town?"
"Wow, it's wonderful!" He exclaimed, "I never see this place so green in my entire life. And it's better than Aspen."
"Hinamizawa is the most beautiful place in the world" Satoko mused, "I'll show to a lot of places. Wanna come?" That question surprised Butters. He was thinking about whether to go with her or not. If he does, he'll have a great time in his life but he'll be grounded. If he doesn't he'll miss out in all the fun. But his friends are going around the village too. He looked at his parents. He thought, Ah, I'll just take a walk with her for a while. It won't take long.
"Yeah, I'll go," Butters happily replied.
"You will? That's terrific," she grabbed his hand, "Come on, I'll show you around." Then the two left the crowd and moved to places not covered by the tour.
Ominous Rika...
As for the boys, they entered a part of the village ahead of their fellow South Parkers. They noticed a shrine with a few people coming and going. Stan said, "Hey guys, check it out."
"Wow," Cartman exclaimed in awe, "this must be their synagogue."
"Shut up, fatboy!" Kyle retorted. It's amazing Cartman cracks up a Jew joke now and again. Kenny mumbled and pointed at .
Stan said, "Oh look you guys, there's a statue at the middle." He pointed to where Kenny pointed. It's a statue standing in the middle. They looked at it in awe.
"What's it say?" Kyle asked.
"It said like...," Cartman turned to the phrasebook, "'Oyashiro-sama.'"
Kenny muttered something when he saw a sign.
"Hey," Stan said, "Kenny said that Oyashiro-sama is Lord Jesus in Japanese."
Cartman was surprised,"What? I didn't know they listen to gospel music here."
"I don't think that's what it says," Rika said to them. The boys are stunned by her appearance.
"Then... what does it say?" Kyle asked hesitantly. He's very scared about Rika's sudden appearance.
"It's says that this is his shrine and you must treat it with reverence," Rika replied ominously. "Beware of the village."
"What...?" The boys shuddered.
Then Rika chirped in a deep loud baritone, "NIPAH~" And she chuckled in her normal voice and left.
"Yeah...," Kyle said, "we do." Then the boys resumed their tour.
Shacking up...
Julia Cotton approached the lonely inn surrounded by dead trees full of crows. The anemic neon sign said, BATE'S OVERLOOK INN with the 'NO' in NO VACANCY permanently flickering. She felt some shivers in her spine. The inn is located in the loneliest part of town and is the home of one of the village's two foreign residents. Alone. Perfect. She walked into the house.
She stepped on the porch and knocked the door. It opened and revealed a man who looked rather harmless. "Good afternoon. Can I help you?" He asked.
"Good afternoon," she returned the greeting, "do you have vacancy?"
"Ah yes, we do," he replied happily in a business-like tone of voice. Julia however noticed a change in his eyes.
She ignored it, "I see you don't have a lot of costumers." She looked around.
"Yeah, that's bad luck for me," he replied, "how long do you plan to stay here?"
"Up until the festival," she replied.
"Oh," he cheered, "that's wonderful. That's one of the highlights of the town." He took a list book from a stand and told her, "Just sign your name right here." She did. And noticed that it's almost empty. And it's full off female names without a check-out date.
"Um, thank you, Mr..."
"Norman Bates."
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bates.
"Um, thanking you. You can call me Norman." They shook hands then he left to the back. He went away with his his hands twitching. "I have to go to the kitchen now."
"Okay, sure." Julia replied. And she thought evilly, I have big plans for you.
Sundown at the village...
They finally returned back to the bunker. Inside, the chibis nursed a dazed Tsuruya and and knocked-out Taniguchi back to consciousness and served tea.
"So they're talking about all the about that tourist guy, Frank Cotton?" Haruhi interrogated Kyon.
"Yup, they sure did," he replied. "This tourist guy probably creeped out the locals."
"Hmm, sounds like they've got a motive to make him 'disappear.'"
"C'mon, Haruhi," Kyon facepalmed, "it's all speculation for now so let's not jump into conclusions."
"Now, now, Kyon, don't be so naive." Haruhi scolded. "We're looking for conclusions, right?"
"Yes, but..."
"So jumping to conclusions is a GOOD thing!"
"But if what if we screw again? Don't you think the locals would kick our asses?"
Haruhi, as usual, brushed him off. "They should be glad we came out to help their ungrateful asses, anyway!" She scoffed. "If they don't like our conclusions, they can go find someone else to solve their little problem!"
"You're looking at it the wrong way..." Kyon tried to explain, "This is their town and seriously, we almost cross some lines back there. Who knows, if the perps of the crime won't kill us, they will."
"Now what could possibly make you think that?"
"Hey, guys." Rena greeted. "How's your... investigation, thing, coming along?"
Kyon nonchalntly turned to her, "Well, we may be back to square- Oh good god look at that knife it's huge!" The cynic gulped. Rena, upon taking notice of this, hid the three-foot-long, hooked meat-cleaver-type knife behind her back, a futile effort of concealment.
"Oh, you mean this ol' thing. Don't worry about it."
Haruhi, seizing a chance for payback, snapped, "Hey, ginger girl! Give me back Mikuru-!" But Rena instantly flashed her meat cleaver.
"If you lay even a finger on Mikuru's hair, I'll... play with you." Haruhi shuddered at seeing the knife.
"You know what, Kyon," she murmured, "I think these people might be willing to kill us."
Kyon groaned. "Welcome to reality. Or as I would like to call it, welcome to the 'Nam."
Rena went back to herself and cheerily chuckled, "Come again tomorrow." And she left happily.
Seeing her go, Haruhi turned to her slave boy, "Kyon, you and Taniguchi are up tonight. You two ladies are drawing murder watch tonight."
"What!" Kyon almost choked, "you mean you want us to stay at the outpost tonight?"
"Yup, any problems?" She crossed her arms.
"Yeah, I thought it was gonna be Itsuki's and Kunikida's turn tonight. Or better yet, let the chibis man the post, we can contact them on our cells."
"You're such a pussy, Kyon. Running away from your duty imposed by your Brigade chief?"
He replied, "This is bad, Haruhi. I've got bad vibes here."
She shouted, "We don't know shit, Kyon, and chances are we're gonna run into something. Think about it."
He bitched, "That's just great, Whadd'ya want me to do? Send my ass out to get zapped so Itsuki Koizumi just in from the world can get his beauty sleep? Nah!"
She replied, "Hey, take a break! You don't have to be a biatch every day of your life, you know."
"Screw you, Haruhi."
"Why don't you get your ass ready, Kyon," she ordered. "Besides, you were the one who kicked his ass off the cliff." He could only grunt grudgingly in agreement. Everyone got ready: Kyon and Taniguchi for their night in the post and and rest of the Brigade sans Itsuki and Mikuru are going back to the hotel(Itsuki's in the hotel already).
Kunikida watched as they left Kyon and Taniguchi in the camp, "I'm glad I ain't going with them. Somewhere out there is the beast and he's hungry tonight."
Yuki added, "They're gonna get raped anyway." They passed by the crowd of tourist going back to their hotels and lodgings. But before they did, the two stayed behind to see Rena walking to where God-knows-what. They saw her trip.
"Ugh," she whelped as she fell down on the road, the wind whipping up her skirt, revealing the white panties she's wearing underneath. Quickly, she stood up blushing and looked around. She sighed in relief when she nobody, not even tourist, had witnessed it. But she was wrong. Behind the bushes, Yuki clearly enjoyed it.
"That was a nice pantyshot," the lavender-headed H-game-playing alien interface with a gleeful smile.
Kunikida crossed his arms. "Nah," he said in dispute, "that's no real pantyshot, that's her accidentally revealing her undies."
"Then what is a real pantyshot?" Yuki asked.
With a wide grin, he replied, "When a Saigon hooker flashes her pretty black panties at you and says she'll give you everyt'ing, now that's what a real pantyshot!"
"Oh," Yuki quietly replied. Then they left, catching up with Haruhi, Taniguchi and Tsuruya.
Meanwhile, Butters and Satoko where having a swell time exploring the village and the nearby woods. It was the most joyful thing to happen in their lives. Already they reached the finale of their own tour, the Overlook.
"Isn't it beautiful, Butters?" she asked as they gazed at the village. "I hope you could live here with me and my friends."
"Gee, I sure hope so," Butters mumbled. Sad, he turned to her, "But I can't..." Satoko was about to ask why but she realized it quickly.
"Oh, I see," she moaned, "it's about your parents."
"Yeah.." he moaned. "If only I could be with you."
"Me too," she sadly noted , looking down at the ground.
"If only we could..." Butters sighed. He could not help but be sad. And then it became clear to him. He knew it's his one and only chance to express his feelings. "You're my little flower, Satoko," Butters proclaimed to Satoko at the overlook of the village as the sun dropped, "From this day forward my love for you shall be always be eternal." It was a moment that was pure and timeless. Almost felt like they're standing at the end of the world.
"Really?" She couldn't believe her ears. She then shouted, "That's sweet, Butters! I love you!" Then they embraced each other so tightly. And he felt a tightness in his pants
"Okay, let's do a pinky swear," Satoko exclaimed.
"What's a pink swear?" Butters asked. She then told him what it's and they do it.
"Fire, Water, Earth, Air! I declare a pinky-swear!" They chanted together. Only is it could last forever.
Then someone called him. "Butters," his dad called, "Get your ass over here." The gentle boy went to his dad. He continued, "Son, we're here on a trip sponsored by the state of Colorado, not on a sex tour for underaged Asian whores."
"Yes, dad," Butters forlornly agreed. She turned to her, "I'm sorry... Satoko. My parents... are calling me." He then stepped down from the Overlook to join his parents.
"You were a bad boy, Butters," his mom sternly scolded him. "Going out with loose women of nine years of age. You oughta be ashamed of yourself."
"I'm a very bad boy," he repeated it to himself. He and his parents joined with the other South Parkers on their trip back to their hotel rooms and lodgings. As for Satoko, she's not only sad about Butters leaving the village but pissed on the comments by his parents about her. Pissed,she asked herself in her mind, What did they just called me?
Jealousy...
Shion returned to her apartment at Okonomiya. She was still stunned by the events that transpired during that noon. She couldn't quite believe it. That ginger buxom slut landed in Satoshi's arms. She hoped it was just a trick of the noon daylight. But alas! Her eyes could not deceive her. She felt weakened, unwanted and betrayed. She went to the fridge to get a bottle of schnapps. Although it's not advisable to drink alcohol when you're depressed and prone to fits of pyschosis, she still popped it and drank anyway.
How she got them despite the fact that she's a fucking nutcase? She doesn't want to pay for her booze for sure. She did got them for free from the Liquor & Lolicon Foundation by subscribing to their magazine, where she receives free alcohol for every issue. She's just in it for the booze and she would give the porn magazines to Keiichi, who enjoys fapping to them. She looked at the table and noticed one of the mags on the table, this week's issue which features a provocatively-dressed trio on the cover together: Rika on the center with Yutaka Kobayakawa and Imouto by either side, doing a sexy pose. She's gonna give it to Keiichi but after she gets drunk.
"It's not true Satoshi," she said to no one in her drunken, "that you like Mikuru, right?" Nothing answered her. She chugged another glass when she replayed the events of the day. She then remembered about how Haruhi called the ginger her moe and mascot. And how Satoshi defended her from Haruhi. And that she has a blog... A blog? She turned on the computer and searched for Mikuru's blog and read her sorry tale of abuse from Haruhi Suzumiya.
It was crystal clear to her now! That redheaded slut was flirting with Satoshi all along! Her mind screamed, acting all cute and helpless but not anymore! She pounded the table brutally and swept all the bottles and glasses off the table.
Shion shouted, "She's taking my Satoshi! I'll kill her!" She looked down at the floor and screamed, "I HATE FLOORS!" She began pounding the floor with the table like crazy until she stopped. Then she smiled happily and gave out demonic giggles. A plan is taking place in her head and she stalked off to the fridge for more booze.
Pinhead's pissed...
Pinhead just came backstage after showcasing a wonderfully sadistic show of torture and S&M to the paying audience. He was coming with a few surprises for Frank, who was still supposedly held in the rack.
"Oh Frank~," He called out sweetly, "if you're a little more obedient, I have a little surprise for you." He was gonna give him the best buttsecks there is. As he went inside to check on him, it was dark. From the lights of the hallway, he inspected the room. "Frank, where are you, deary? I have something for you..." He noticed the empty rack with its turned bindings. His rage went up the roof, his face became a thousand shades of red and his temperature went to through the universe. He though, Frank escaped!
"FRANK!" He bellowed in rage, which echoed throughout the bowls of hell itself. In it, a former dictator from the Middle East was slowly awake. And curious.
Oh my God, South Park's in town, Butters and Satoko are having a romance, Shion's going crazy once again, Rika discovers a demonic artifact and Julia Cotton is shacking up at Bates'? This place is even more screwed than Silent Hill. Read and review or I'll send your asses to Kyon and Rena!
Oh, the mention of Aspen in this chapter is a reference to Asspen.