Deep in the Night
Featuring here are characters from Hellraiser, more Southpark and PTSD. And frankly, no one searches the Internet for old movies the way I do. Plus some It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Special thanks to Elred Bluegreen for helping me with Kyon Rambo. See more new plot twists and plot straights.
Curious things at the dump...
The sun was still on the horizon as Rena, Arakawa and Mikuru traveled to a place Rena said was special. She said to the moe, "Mikuru-chan. We never really got to show you around. I at least owe it to you to show one place you can get away with murder."
"That's right Mikuru," Arakawa added, prancing like Tinkerbell on acid, "Miss Rena wants to show you something."
"Really? What is it?" the moe asked. Where are they taking me?
"Come on, this way," Rena urged. They all followed her into a massive pile of junk. "Here we are."
Mikuru's eyes popped open and shouted, "You call a trash dump a tour location?"
"Hey, it's not a trash dump," Rena replied with puppy dog eyes, "It's a mountain of treasures~." Then she said ominously, "You can kill someone here and nobody would know."
"What did you just say?" Mikuru replied, a bit uneased.
"How dare you call this fine place a dump, Miss Mikuru," Arakawa scolded her like he was tutoring her in fine manners, "You should never judge anything by appearances alone."
Rena just giggled cheeringly and skipped off. Arakawa caught up with here, "Right behind you, Miss Rena." She tried to go with them but she couldn't catch up due to the steep hills of junk everywhere and all the icky-sticky stuff that might be caught by her lolita dress. She decided to sit down on a dry piece of roofing material. As she sat down, a click startled her.
"Huh," she gasped. She turned around and saw that it was the bird pornographer.
"Oh you surprise me there," Jirou said, "We meet again, Mademoiselle Asahina. I thought you were a bird, not someone I was supposed to stalk for surveillance."
"Were taking pictures of my boobs?" She squealed in fright, putting down her skirt in fear that he might be looking for more to shoot at.
"Um... no," he replied. Then he asked, "What are you doing here? I thought you are supposed to be with your friends."
"Well...," she moaned, "it's a little complicated."
"Why is that?"
"Because you see...," she won't on to tell him about how it started during their lunch and ends with her being wagered in a water gun fight where the local kids ultimately won.
"I apologize for your predicament, Miss Asahina but as they, it sucks to be you."
Mikuru moaned sadly, "That's not nice, Mr. French Secret Agent." There was some silence except for those damn cicadas.
"Woot?" He hastily explained, "I'm not secret agent or French or anything."
"But you sound French, or whatever part of Europe did you come from." She noted.
"I do not know," he replied, "it's pretty vague." He then noticed Mikuru looking at him in a way that says she's not convinced. He said, "Are you coming on to me?"
Rena popped out from the mounds of trash and said sweetly to Mikuru, "Mikuru-chan, tell that guy if he tries to take you away from, I'll kill him." She then went back to sorting through mounds of trash for cute things.
"So...," Jioru noted, "you're a lesbian? You do sure send a lot of mixed signals. Well, it was nice talking to you, Miss Asahina, MURDERMURDERMURDER. Don't go looking around in the trash for articles about MURDER MURDER MURDER."
Those words left Mikuru stunned. She suddenly remembered the reason why Haruhi deployed the SOS Brigade here in the first place. Did you say 'murder'? Is about the lost tourist? She heard the crumpling of a metal roof and spun around. She saw Rena appearing menacingly with a giant hatchet the Psycho bathroom theme. "EEEEP~!" She cried and landed her cute butt on the ground.
"Ah," Rena gasped cutely, "Mikuru-chan, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," she chirped as she stood back up and swept her dress of dirt, "You came out of nowhere and almost scared my panties off, but I'm fine. And OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HATCHET?"
"Oh this?" She replied plainly, holding up the blade, "this is just my special hatchet that I keep in a disclosed location in this junkyard, just in case someone gets between and Mikuru-chan."
"You don't mean it, right?" She chirped again.
"No... Not yet, that is." She smiled with cat-like eyes.
Mikuru said to her, "Oh, I apologize for thinking that you kill people for fun. Hey, let's search for cute things."
Rena cheered, "Really? You will? You will?"
"Yeah sure. It's the least I could do for saving me from that tsundere bitch Haruhi."
"Yay, would you like to spend a night on my house too?"
"Yes, I will," Mikuru cheered.
"Oh splendid, Mikuru," Arakawa danced again, "we will have much fun together. It will be smashing." They began searching cute things all around the dump. As they mulled over the waste in search of those fluffy stuff thrown away by their cold heartless owners, Mikuru found some newspapers that came from a dead newsboy still attached to his bicycle. She pulled them out of the skeleton's hand. She began reading them and was shocked.
"Oh my God," she gasped as she read the headlines, "Everything I read about this place is more or less real! If this is true, that means-"
"Mikuru, what are you reading?" Rena popped out from behind her.
Mikuru spun around and squeaked cutely in fright, throwing the newspapers into the air. She then said, "I wasn't reading anything!"
Unfortunately, the newspapers ended up in Rena's hands. Rena looked at it and said, "Mikuru-chan, are you reading this?"
"Um yes," she replied quietly.
"You know what-" But before Rena said anything else, Mikuru dove to the ground and pleaded for mercy.
"Please don't kill me! Please don't~," she begged, not wanting to end up disembered in a black trashbag.
Rena knelt down and hugged Mikuru tightly. "Don't cry Mikuru. I'll never do that to you. You're my friend now. I'll protect you no matter what these lies say." The moe was touched by Rena's compassion and genuine friendship.
Mikuru sobbed, "Thank you, Miss Rena." They hugged tighter.
"That's alright, I love you Mikuru," she said beautifully.
"What?" Mikuru was taken aback.
"Don't speak. Let us rub our soft supple breast together." They did and it was good!
"Lesbian Fantasy Time!" Mikuru cried. Then everything became sparkly and flashed into a fantasy dreamland. "Let's go to an all-girls school, I'll wear pigtails and I'll call you onee-sama-"
FLASH!
A spark of light knocked away their precious moment together. They turned their heads and found the source of the offending flash.
"I am to be taking pictures of children for kiddy porn, I mean memorabilia," Jirou said as he tried to crouch his way out of the dump.
Rena doesn't take it too kindly. Mikuru was crying again. She said, "No one makes Mikuru cry and gets away with it!" As Jirou tried to crawl through the s!#, Rena stood in front of him.
"You're not going anywhere, bird pornographer," Rena snapped at him. Jirou looked up from her feet up to her face. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see her underwear.
"Would you like to see my tripod?" He chuckled helplessly.
He got his answer: lesbian yandere Rena's one thousand dragons fist of fury! He got an upper cut and was shot out of the dump. He crashed into the Overlook and squirmed.
"I think I broke my French breadstick..." He moaned.
LESBIOWNED!
Rena and a happy Arakawa picked up a crying Mikuru and comforted Mikuru, "Let us go home, Mikuru. No one would bother us again."
Arakawa chimed in, "Oh yes, Miss Mikuru. We will be friends together forever." They skipped happily into the setting sun, oblivious to guys in gray jumpsuits watching them suspiciously.
Unholy Alliance...
At the hotel, the remaining members of the SOS Brigade were lounging around at the hotel dining hall, already crowded with tourists and especially the South Park townspeople, while Culture Club's Do You Really Want to Hurt Me conspicuously played in the background. Haruhi was drinking her heart out from losing Mikuru to Rena at the nearby bar. It was the worst day in her life. She couldn't fucking believe it. She turned to the bartender on station, Philadelphia native Dennis Reynolds.
"Pour another one, Jack," she moaned sadly, extending her beer stein.
"Here you go," he replied, pouring more beer, "and my name's not Jack."
"Whatever, you manwhore," she slurred and sipped her beer. Beside her are Yuki, Tsuruya, and Kunikida, watching a football game. He's upstairs in his room nursing his injuries. Yuki was enjoying the soccer game on TV, Tsuruya was eating and burping cheese cocktails; trying to get rid of the taste and memory of those terrible Limburger cheese cubes, and Kunikida was playing Tetris.
"Go Beckham," Yuki said without emotion as her favorite soccer player played furiously across the field.
Haruhi chugged her beer down. She noticed that Itsuki's not with them. She turned to Yuki, "Where's Itsuki?"
"He's upstairs in bed, remember," the alien replied.
"Oh yeah," she said dumbfounded. She then asked another question, "Okay, you notice anything wrong with Kyon?"
"No," she deadpanned.
Haruhi asked this question, "Yuki, back there in the village, why did you tell them about what I do to Mikuru?"
"'Cause they asked for it," she replied plainly. "Was I suppose to answer 'chicken waffles?"
The goddess slumped her head on the counter, realizing plainly that Yuki's right. She will tell them the truth regardless whether she's told to lie or not. Then her phone beeped. "Hello?" Haruhi groaned on her cellphone.
"Hi, Haruhi," the caller replied, "This is Sasaki." That caught Haruhi by surprise. Why would her rival for world domination call her at this time? Is she admitting defeat? She smiled evilly.
"Hi, Sasaki," she answered cheerily, "wanna chitchat?" She could see it now! Sasaki and her minions bowing before her, the Genkiness that is Haruhi Suzumiya.
"Yeah, sort of," she moaned, "I just wanna say that we're sorry that we're such jerks this afternoon."
Haruhi suppressed a squeal of delight. She knew that she's admitting defeat! "I accept you apology!" She shouted gleefully. "But I will accept it if only if you will..."
"I get it already anyway," Sasaki slurred on the phone, "since we don't have anything good to do this summer so would you let us join you whatever it is you're doing?"
Those words stunned the goddess. The Anti-SOS Brigade helping her? It was too good to be true. Yet, she's still suspicious. She said, "Really? How do I know you won't pull any tricks?"
"I told, we don't have anything better to do this summer," she replied glumly, "it's boring enough at home anyway."
"Okaaay~," Haruhi replied, "I want you to submit to my will, my authority-"
"We know that already," she replied again, "we'll do anything, just please count us in."
Haruhi mulled over about her proposal. Sure, she hates them but adding more people into the charade would increase their chances of finding this Frank Cotton guy. "Okay, you're in. Meet us at the Angel Mort tomorrow."
"Alright, Haruhi," Sasaki slowly replied. Haruhi hung up and jumped with joy. Yes! It was too good to be true. The Anti-SOS Brigade dancing to her tune, willingly submitting to her will. At the hospital, the Anti-SOS Brigade where in a room with four beds, lying side by side. They were all covered in bandages.
"Sasaki," Kyoko moaned, "you think it's a good idea to ally with Haruhi?"
"Got any better ideas to go during summer?" She asked.
"No..." It was silent again. Then Fujiwara spoke.
"Hey, Sasaki," he slurred, "can I molest Mikuru?"
"Do what you want." The second goddess replied.
"Hooray-!" He cheered, then a snapping sound was made. He slumped back to his bed in pain. " Nurse...," he moaned, "I think I broke my arms again..."
Village sneaking...
The boys from South Park were tiptoeing out of their rooms when they saw Butters coming up the stairs. They nearly gasped in fright.
"Jesus, Butters!" Stan said apprehensively, "you nearly gave us a heart attack."
"Sorry, guys," Butters moaned, "I'm just going back to my room."
"Gee, what's wrong, Butters?" Kyle asked sympathetically.
"I'm grounded," he said sadly, "I can't go anywhere without my parents."
"Oh," Cartman said plainly. "Good luck with with that." He turned to the rest of the guys. "Hey guys, let's ditch this turd."
"D-don't y-y-you think we should bring Butters along?" Tweak asked, shaking from his caffeine hangover.
"Hell no, Tweak," the fat boy blurted, "we're going to that gook village and I'm not letting a pussy like him on."
"O-okay," he replied.
"Let's go, guys." The boys went on. They were all excited about sneaking into the village learn all those secret stuff. They all passed by poor little Butters, who couldn't play with them.
"Timmeh, Timmeh," Timmy muttered by as he rolled past him.
He went into his room. It was empty. He went to the balcony and looked out to the moonlit night. He sighed with a broken heart, "Satoko," he moaned with his head hung low, "I hope I can see you again."
At the room next to him, a Spandex-wearing professional rapist ziplined into the window and boned Cartman's mom.
Crouching panda, girly playboy...
Meanwhile, the two boys were enjoying their first night at the village: at the SOS Brigade's observation post. Taniguchi was talking to Kyon about his fantasies with Maria Ozawa. Kyon thought, Our first night on the village. We drew murder watch.
"I'm not here." Taniguchi began, "I'm walking through the jungle gathering mangoes. And I meet Maria Ozawa. I make a nice mango cream pudding. Then kinda spread it around us." Kyon didn't reply. He just ate fruitcake from a can. Unfazed, he went on, "...See, she's into mangoes, too. She's like one limb above me. We're both in the jungle here, nude."
Some activity was taking place behind them. Kyon turned back with his infrared binoculars. From there, he looked at some of the village people doing what they do at night time. Someone was taking out the trash. A couple was having sex in the grass and a guy is bringing flowers to some other place. Kyon went back to eating fruitcake.
Taniguchi asked him, "Do you like Maria Ozawa, Kyon?"
"Yeah," he stopped eating the cake, "she's a real hottie."
"Yeah, I wish I was with her," Taniguchi said sadly.
"That's sweet, Taniguchi," He assured him.
"No, Kyon. I really want to be with her badly."
"Why?"
"'Cause I have collected every one of her movies," he announced, "I was her biggest fan. I liked the way she moves. Look at her beautiful jugs, man."
"Why don't you get yourself a real girl, Tani," the cynic suggested, "Don't live your fantasies with porn models."
"That's easy for you to say," Taniguchi scowled, "you got Haruhi and Mikuru."
"She's a superbitch," Kyon replied, "and remember she'll kill you if you touched Mikuru?" The playboy nodded reluctantly. Kyon then said, "I thought so." He finished his fruitcake. There was some silence before he spoke again.
"Hey Taniguchi," he asked.
"Yeah-?"
"You got a girlfriend from that Kouyouen School. You know the girls' school for the reach famous? How'd you do that? Is that 'cause you like mangoes an' stuff?"
"Well, no," He replied, "me and her meet on Twitter. We chatted all night. We were actually friends for a while back in middle school."
"Lucky you," Kyon chuckled.
"See, I was supposed to go to Tokyo," he continued, "but I my mom's got a promotion so I stayed right here. Hell, I signed up for North High. They said I can look at the girls' school nearby from the roof. Okabe- that did it."
"Oh yeah, how?"
"One time, I saw him walk into an alley and you know what I saw?" He asked Kyon. The cynic shook his head. He said, "I saw that guy go into a gay bathhouse behind the school. I couldn't fucking believe that one!" It turned out his girlfriend was actually a transvestite. Kyon noticed something at the village, "I was suppose to tell the principal about that but they gave a huge bribe-" Kyon raised his fist military style, signaling the playboy to be silent. "Kyon," he whispered, "what's wrong?"
Kyon took the binoculars and whispered, "We got beaucoup movement." He looked through and saw Keiichi and Mion. He immediately turned to Taniguchi. "Quick, the laser mike." The playboy immediately set the tripod and focused it on the the two.
"Phew~," Keiichi said, "that was some hard tour guiding we did today."
"Yeah, it breaks the back too," Mion said.
"At least, for this year, nothing bad's gonna happen today," Keiichi added.
"Except for that guy who tried to grope my boobs," Mion said distastefully.
"Yeah," Keiichi chuckled, "I like it when you fried him on the groin with your stun gun."
"That serves him right if he thinks that I'm a hooker," she grunted with distaste.
"That wasn't the worst thing in the tour, Mion. How about Father Maxi?"
"You mean that priest?" Mion felt irritated, "I hated it how told us that we're going to hell for honoring Oyashiro."
"Well, what do you expect of Catholic priests? They always say that someone's going to hell. Their favorites for condemnation are Buddhist, Jews, liberals, and Nancy Pelosi."
"And you're lucky you aren't with them 'cause I know what they do to teenage boys like you," Mion snickered.
"Very funny, Mion," he said sourly, "just like what Dr. Irie almost did to me last year."
"You mean almost 'did' you," she happily supplied, chuckling.
"Fine, fine, fine. Let's just go home already."
"Well anyway," Mion took out a manila envelope. "Here's something Shion asked me to bring you with."
Keiichi jumped in down in excitement, "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" The two boys at the hidden outpost were like, what the hell?
Keiichi ripped open the envelope like a candy-crazed kid. It was thick and glossy. "Oh boy Mion!" He jumped up in join, "This is the bomb! Thanks Mion!"
"Don't thank me, Keiichi," she said with satisfaction, "just fap yourself off."
But before he would leave, he asked Mion again, "Mion, considering all the stuff with the SOS Brigade today, what are you gonna do with them?"
"Don't worry, my perverted friend. We'll take care of them." That didn't sound good for Kyon and Taniguchi.
"Yeah, and I wish Oyashiro was real so he can smite all these snoopy outsiders," Keiichi said.
"Better hope he doesn't smite or molest you in your sleep," Mion replied, "Let's call it a night."
"I agree," he replied, "Time for me to eat some mustard." They both left. The two boys went back to the bunker. Taniguchi went to Kyon.
"This was a big mistake, Kyon. We shouldn't taken this lead in the first place."
"Wanna go AWOL and piss Haruhi off? Be my guest." Kyon deadpanned. That wasn't very encouraging to the playboy, who wanted his weenie intact so can reproduce. They didn't spoke for most of the time. Later, it was nine o'clock. They didn't talk for a while. Kyon put on the blankets and got ready for bed.
"Kyon?" Taniguchi asked, "What are sleeping for? We're supposed to keep watch."
"You keep watch." He replied, "I'll go to bed."
"But Kyon..."
"Hell no, I've kept my breaking my ass from doing Haruhi's dirty work so I deserve some well-earned R&R." He said firmly. Seeing that he could not reason with him anymore, Taniguchi glumly drew murder watch.
-The Lion Sleeps Tonight plays-
Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours and the night never ends. The bats screeched, the moon was full, the owls hooted, frogs croaked, night birds tweet, Kyon snored, and the cicadas and crickets chirped. Taniguchi was trying to get his head in the game with his DS. He was winning a fight with Dedede and he doesn't want to stop now.
"Oh yeah, bitch!" He cheered as he gave a sucker punch to Dedede. Then he heard a rustling in the bushes. His DS went down.
"EMP! Electronics are down!" He cursed as it crackled and smoked. He was pissed when he heard a slight growl that made him jumpy. The rustling became louder and he almost screamed.
-LSTT stops-
He raised his head a bit and looked around for the source the noise. He gripped a spade and stalked out of the bunker. He found the source of the noise: a bush named George. He slowly crept to it, shovel in hand and struggling to control his bladder. He almost stepped on a pile of... Nevermind. Let's get on. He slowly got to the shrub and went around it. Then he jumped in! There was nothing behind it. Breathing a sigh of relief, he was about to get back when he heard more rustling. He turned to another shrub from behind him.
Something popped out!
The playboy was thrown to the ground when he got bitchslapped by a large paw and let out high-pitched squeals when faced he sharp set of teeth. The growling creature stomped him on the crotch, causing him to groan in pain. Then he was lifted up in the air and thrown against a tree. That caused him to see double before the animal picked him up again by the collar and slapped him some more. As he did, he slowly stretched his arm for the spade, grabbed it and quickly swung it at the creature frantically, screaming like a little girl as he did until he got the upper hand. As it slumped into the ground, his voice turned to manly grunts of effort as he wildly beat the creature until the final blow with his last burst of energy. He breathed deeply and looked down to see what he fought with.
His eyes widened into dinnerplates when he saw it was a smiling six-foot tall panda that attacked him. It lay on the ground, K.O. for sure. In its hands are bottles of Stolichnaya vodka and London Gin. It had an alcoholic scent on its fur and an overpowering alcoholic breath from its grinning mouth. He screeched.
The chibis emerged from the hole to see what all the commotion was about and almost jumped to their feet when they heard his high-pitched shrieking.
Kyon roused from his sleep. He turned to the chibis, "Churuya, up front. Get on your pop gun, Achakura!" The chibis quickly responded.
"It's a motherfucking panda! It's a panda, man! A panda!" Taniguchi shrieked as he ran around the camp. "Kyon, you were right. Never get out of the fucking bunker! Never get out of the bunker! I gotta remember! Gotta remember! Never get out of the bunker!"
The cynic said, "What happened, how many are they?"
"A fucking panda!" He replied.
"What?" Kyon asked nonplussed.
"A panda!"
"A panda?"
The playboy ranted on, "I'm done with this goddamn horseshit! You can kiss my ass on the school yard, 'cause I'm fucking bugging out! I don't fucking need it! I didn't get out of goddamn North High for this shit, man! All I wanted to do is fucking do girls! I just wanted to do girls, man!" He laughed crazily, "All right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. Never get out of the bunker. Hi, panda! 'Bye panda-!"
Kyon bitch-slapped him, "Pull your shit together, playboy!" After that, he calmed down. Kyon turned back to the panda, "Is that what attacked you?"
The playboy nodded. The cynic looked furious. "What the hell's the matter with you, Taniguchi? You are one simple son of a bitch! He ain't gonna bite you. That's a good panda; good and dead."
"Yes, Kyon. He's dead," he nodded in agreement. The chibis looked at him, scared. Kyon inspected the corpse.
"You all take a good look at this lump of fluffy crap." He motioned to it, "Remember what it looks like. You fuck up in a firefight... and I goddamn guarantee you a trip out of the bush - in a body bag! Out here, assholes, you keep your shit wired tight at all times!" He glared back at Taniguchi, "And that goes for you, sex-for-brains. You don't sleep on no fuckin' ambush! And the next sum'bitch I catch coppin Z's in the bush, I'm personally gonna take an interest in seein' him suffer. I shit you not."
He turned to the green-haired chibi, "Churuya, tag him and bag him!"
"Maybe we should call Haruhi about this," Ashakura suggested.
"Tell that bitch to get screwed," Kyon bitched and went back to sleep. The chibis sneaked back into the tunnels to dig. Still, this was too much for the playboy. As the chibis disappeared to nowhere, he took out his cell and called her.
Haruhi was enjoying her beauty sleep with a dream involving Kyon and Mikuru when her cellphone rang. She woke up and put her cellphone on talk. "Hello?"
"It's me, Taniguchi," the playboy replied.
"What the hell did you do this time?" Haruhi answered to Taniguchi annoyed over the cell.
"I killed one, Haruhi... the thing I love the most," He whispered to Haruhi.
Haruhi went up straight and got out of bed. Clearly, it sounded like trouble. "What is it?" She asked.
"Well, it tried to give me a right hook...," Taniguchi began but Haruhi didn't hear the rest of it. She was focused on the first part.
"A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!" Haruhi replied, shocked. Then she calmed herself down, "Alright, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here's what you gonna do. Get your hands on to some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide, and a shitload of lime."
"No!" Taniguchi corrected, "A panda."
"You killed Amanda?" She was surprised by that, "Come on, playboy. I bet that's not even her real name."
"No... A panda!"
"A panda?" Haruhi was nonplussed.
"A sweet, cuddly, vicious, six-foot tall panda." He whispered.
"A six-foot tall panda?" Haruhi asked, surprised to know pandas of that size actually exist. She then went on, "Okay, just do what I told you to do and you'll be fine."
"But where can I find lime, hydrogen peroxide, and bleach?"
"You could just get it from a nearby by store," she explained, "in the meantime, hide the body."
Taniguchi nodded vigorously, agreeing with everything she said. As he did, the supposedly dead panda got up and groaned. It limped back into the woods massaging its aching head while Taniguchi listened to Haruhi's instructions. Jubilant, he turned around so he could bury it, only to see the panda gone. He frantically looked around for it. But it was gone. He hastily phoned Haruhi again.
"What?" She asked, pissed.
"It's gone!" He cried worriedly. "The panda's gone!"
"What? It's gone?" She asked.
"It's gone!"
"Oh, good for you," she replied cheeringly, "no worries." She hung up. Taniguchi slowly and uneasily put back the phone. He looked to the place where he was sure that he beat up the panda to death. It right there! The only thing left in its place are the bottles of booze it was carrying. He looked around and felt his skin crawl.
"This place is cursed!" He muttered to himself as crawled into the sleeping bag, eyes scanning for anything unusual in the woods. He then forced his eyes to sleep.
Kyon woke from his slumber and yawned. He stood up and said, "What did I miss?"
The bizarre head movie of Itsuki Koizumi...
Meanwhile, in his bed, Itsuki is having the nicest dream ever. He was tossing and turning all around while the head movie played.
He snored loudly until the cheerful chirping of birds heralding the dawn of a new day woke him up with eyes wide open. The alarm clock played a Village People's song. He got rid of the blankets and realized that there's a large bulge in his pants.
"Gyah!" He cried and hastily covered it. He then knew that no one's in the room with him. He said to himself, "Wait. It's just me in here."
"I wouldn't say that, silly buns," a cheery English voice quipped beside. He instantly whipped his head to see who was lying next to him. His eyes popped wide open with shock to realize it was none other than... DR. IRIE! Smoking a cigarette and drsesed in boxer briefs. It was horrible! The doctor who tried to molest him in his clinic was HERE next to him!
"How'd you get here!" The esper demanded.
"Oh," he cheered, "it's easy. I just asked the hotel receptionist at what room you where sleeping and I told him that I was a long-lost friend." The esper glared angrily at the ever-smiling doctor. He was trying to violate him whenever and wherever possible. He then said ,"I have a lollipop for you! ...It's in my-" But he didn't say anymore.
-Last part of Baseball organ theme plays-
There was a loud crashing of glass as the doctor was thrown through the window at high speed. He simply said, "Silly buns." As a thud came from the ground, he calmed himself down. He then looked at the bright sunny morning and realized that there's nothing else to spoil the day. He decided to unwind and take a relaxing stroll to Hinamizawa. He took a bath and looked for a change of clothes. He went to the closet to find clothes. What he found was a little unamusing: the only thing inside is a gakuran, much like the one he wore in that chaotic noon yesterday. It was something of a whammy to him.
"... Okay," he decided, "I'll have to wear it instead." He put it on and went downstairs for breakfast. As he did, he was confronted by a bluenette otaku with an ahoge.
"Aren't you the guy from yesterday?" She inquired.
"Yeah," he replied as he forked some poached salmon.
"Are you cosplaying as Sousuke Sagara?" She asked.
His eyes popped open again. "No, I am not cosplaying as Sousuke Sagara. FYI, this is the only piece of clothing I found in my closet, Miss..."
"Konata Izumi," she said to him.
"Oh," Itsuki was about to eat his toast when he noticed her loli body. "Uh, yeah. Miss Izumi, how old are you?" He asked with a creepy smile.
"I'm fifteen," she replied irritatedly, "just because I'm this short doesn't mean I'm a nine-year old kid."
"What!" He was flabbergasted, "you're fifteen?" Then he quickly relented himself, "Uh, I mean, I didn't know you were fifteen. My mistake." He then though, Damn, jailbait is reaching legal age this days.
"Okay," the otaku said, "you're not the kind of guy who does cosplay, huh."
"Definitely no," he said as he finished breakfast.
"Okay, just watch out for the fan girls," she happily warned and walked off.
"What?" Itsuki asked but he got his answer instantly. Behind are a large crowd of girls watching as he ate. Their eyes sparkle and their mouths drool.
"Oh my God!" one of them screamed, "is that Sousuke Sagara?"
"No!" Blurted another, "That's a cosplayer, but a really hot one at that!" They screamed with delight.
Itsuki nearly soiled his pants, Oh shit! What should I do? He thought, Think, think! Then an idea light bulbed in his head. He spun around and smiled, "Hey girls! Is that Lelouch Lamperouge I see at the lobby?" When they heard it, they all scream louder than ever and charged into the lobby to meet the sexy nonexistent leader of the Black Knights who stood up to David Cameron, uh I mean, Charles Li Brittania, and forgot all about the esper in the process. But when they did, they were disappointed.
"Huh? Where did he go?" They moaned. As for Itsuki, he was went out the backdoor and was on his way to Hinamizawa.
The esper thought to himself happily, Serves them right for watching too much Code Gay-ass.
-The Thieving Magpie plays-
Itsuki skipped happily all around the village, enjoying the sights and sounds.
"Another glorious day at Hinamizawa," he said aloud. "The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming and the sky is bright with the happy sun. As he skipped cheerfully across the fields, he was thinking about what to do. Hmm, he thought, what should I do? Visit the Furude Shrine? The Onigafuchi Swamp? Watch the village from the Overlook? He passed by a bunch of Churuya and Achakura fairies. The Churuya fairies had butterfly wings and antennas while Achakura fairies had bee wings and TV antennas.
"Good morning, crack fairies," He cheerfully greeted.
"Good bloody morning, pretty boy pothead," they replied.
"What are you doing here today?" He asked.
"We're around looking for some flying smoked cheese," The Churuyas replied.
"And what about you, Achakuras?" Itsuki asked.
"Umm...," they replied, "just hanging around with Churuya-san."
"Well that's so sweet because that's pretty all you ever do," Itsuki replied. The Achakura fairies didn't reply. Instead, they flew away. One of them gave him the middle finger.
He didn't mind. He walked on and encountered Mikuru and Rena, skipping happily. They looked great. He went towards them. "Good morning, girls." He greeted.
"Good morning, gay man," Mikuru cheerily replied.
"I'm not gay," Itsuki protested.
"Maybe not," Rena joined in, "but you look like a pedophile."
"I'm not a pedo-?" He replied but relented, "What?"
What's wrong?" Rena taunted, "Can't face the fact you like little girls?"
"That's not true. It's a lie fabricated by somebody who dislikes my bishieness." He retorted. But something was in his mind, thanks for reminding of that shine maiden and that little fanged blonde girl.
"Oh, I see," Rena apologized dumbly.
"Well, I'm thinking about paying a visit to your shrine maiden and her friend. Do you know their names?"
"Ah, it's Rika Furude and her friend is Satoki Houjo," she happily said.
"Where do they live?"
Rena told him where.
"Thanks, I'll see you later." He left off to find them. As he did, he noticed a cone straw hat on the ground. He picked up and wear it.
-The Thieving Magpie stops-
"I'll keep this in my head until I find the owner," he said to himself. He walked further and found it strange that he was in a quite woody path, much like the one where Keiichi meets a cleaver-carrying Rena. He looked around. Nothing wrong here, he thought and went back to thinking about molesting the two lolis. He blinked his eyes for a moment and he was startled to see Kyon standing in a distance away from him, wearing boots, camo pants, webbing gear, red headband, and ammo belts crisscrossing his chest. He blink again and he saw nothing.
"Huh?" he was disturbed. He then called out, "Kyon... Is that you?" Then he heard a sudden thud and the crunch of leaves and twigs. His back was chilled and he slowly turned around. It is Kyon, with his freaky smile and Rambo get-up.
"Found you, you rotten bastard!" He said menacingly.
Itsuki suddenly wet his pants. he tried to explain, "Hey, Kyon, it's me!"
Raising his .45 pistol named Sally, he cried, " I've been tracking you for days, Charlie! You killed my buddies... RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! It's payback time, motherfucker! WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?"
Itsuki realized Kyon is still crazy from yesterday, "You've gone mad!"
He flashed his teeth, " DON'T FUCK WITH ME! WHERE! ARE! THE! OTHERS?"
"What do you mean!" He protested as he caught a glimpsed of Mion, Keiichi, Satoko and Rika, dressed in black pajamas, cone straw hats and webbing gear, peering through the bushes before they ducked. He realized he was wearing something close to black(navy blue) and wore a cone straw hat. He finally knew why. Oh shit, he thinks I'm Vietcong.
"You've got about three-zero seconds to tell me where they're screwing!" The 'shellshocked' cynic warned, "Or I'll rip your balls off!" He quickly shucked out a knife from his belt.
"AHHHH!" The esper screamed and ran for his life. Kyon tried to slash him but missed. He then fired several shots at Itsuki as he fled into the woods.
"DO NOT DESPAIR, CHARLIE! I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN WHEREVER YOU ARE!" Kyon screamed before laughing like Dracula.
Itsuki panted heavily, trying to get as far from Kyon as possible. Needless to say, the cynic was catching up with him, jumping tree to tree like the crazed war veteran he is. Then he found a bunch of guys wearing ugly gray jumpsuits. It was deliverance!
"I'm saved!" He cried jubilantly, "Oh thank God, you here to help me?"
"'Help you? Who said anything about helping you?" One of them said brandishing a bat. The other pulled out a gun.
"Oh shit," he muttered. He just got out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Kyon, pissed that someone's trying to steal his kill, jumped in the middle, "No one's killing Charlie but me!"
"Oh yeah?" Said the baseball wielder, "you and one army!"
"I am one army!" He cried. He tried to swing but Kyon gripped his hand. He winced in pain in his iron-grasped. Itsuki then watched Kyon bash the bat on his own head!
BRACK!
It cracked loudly, with the bat broken into two. The goons said in unison, "Oh my God..." Kyon then used epic martial arts moves against them, pawning them in ways that would make Naruto weep in jealousy. He then slammed then hard against the trees.
KYOWNED!
But his victory was short-lived. More goons arrived with weapons trained. Itsuki gasped but Kyon was unperturbed.
"I'll kill you later," he told Itsuki as he kicked-flipped a rifle into his hands, "Enemy mine?" He cheered.
"O...K," he replied hesitantly and reluctantly got the rifle. Then the two faced a large company of graysuits.
"Let battle be joined!" He cried a la Mel Gibson and charged. Then an epic gun fight began. Itsuki just sprayed his bullets like a noob while Kyon was doing epic combos of gunplay and hand-to-hand combat, earning experience points in the process. I'll leave that to your imagination... Let it run wild as much as you want, crazy as you want...
At the aftermath of the battle, the two boys panted. Itsuki was spent. He turnd to Kyon, "Hey Kyon, we beaten them..." He smiled.
"You know what Charlie, I'm still gonna kill you," he quickly and bluntly replied with a shark-toothed grin.
"Oh shit!" He screamed and ran away with a laughing Kyon giving chase. He ran faster than Usain Bolt. He finally reached the Overlook. He looked around and said, "Phew...! I'm safe for sure... He can't find me hear..." But that was wishful thinking.
-Apocalypse Now OST: Ride of The Valkyries plays for a few seconds-
Minutes later, Kyon appeared in a Hind-D gunship, with Rena as his copilot. He cried, "I'LL GET YOUR ASS NOW!"
Itsuki almost had a heart attack, "Where the hell did you GET that!" It seemed his day couldn't get any worst.
"I FUCKING LOVE CRAIGSLIST!" He growled ferally. Then he aimed the Hind's nose gun and said, "Any last words before I screw you?"
"Yeah," Itsuki cried back since the chopper's roaring rotor was too loud. "Why are you trying to kill me?"
"'Cuz I'm so fuckin' good! I done got me 157 dead gooks killed. Plus 50 water buffalo, too! Them's all confirmed!" He replied insanely. "And I hate bishies! Anyone who runs, is a bishie. Anyone who stands still, is a well-disciplined bishie!"
"Any women or children?"
"Sometimes back in 'Nam!"
"How can you shoot women or children?"
"Easy!" He laughed. "Ya just don't lead 'em so much! Ain't war hell?"
"You're absolutely bat-fucked insane, Kyon!" Itsuki yelled back in horror.
"And liking it!" He smiled. "And Rena wants a piece of your nuts too!" The ginger gave Itsuki a friendly hand wave.
Itsuki screamed like a little girl and ran off.
"The Hunt is on!" Kyon shouted jubilantly and turned on the stereo.
-Full Metal Jacket OST: Surfin' Bird plays-
Itsuki screamed as Kyon and Rena piloted the Hind over the village. Any place where Itsuki tried in got blown away by the Hind's nose gun and rockets. He dove into a nearby house. The gunship reduced it to flaming cinders with rockets. Shrieking, he went inside a tool shed... only to be splintered by machine gun fire. It was a comical chase as the Hind danced over the village, raining fire over the helpless esper. Itsuki looked to his right and found a bicycle. He hopped on and cycled away.
"Kyon!" Rena chriped, "that Gachihomo is getting away!"
"But not for long!" He replied cheerily. As soon as he flew the lumbering gunship into position, he noticed a few limping gray jumpsuit-wearing fellows piling into a white van. He got pissed. "When do you bastards ever give up?" He came in hot and blew them away, sending the flaming white van into air before it crashed and broke into many pieces. Itsuki raced madly into the road, trying to escape the mad cynic. He nearly ran into a massive truck but the cynic blew it to Kingdom Come, how nice of him! He biked so fast that he didn't know that he arrived at the Irie Clinic. He raced for a hiding place and unknowingly hid in the ladies' comfort room. He breathed heavily, praying that Kyon won't find him... Someone else did though.
Takano Miyo came out of the stall and felt her body turned white when she found Itsuki. She shrieked in French, "Sortez ici, vous corrompez(Get out of here, you pervert)!" She kicked Itsuki's ass out of the room.
Itsuki gasped. "Oh no... I just barged in on a major antagonist!" He lamented, "What horrors may ensue from..."
"YOU'VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!" A mysterious voice warned.
"Oh crap." But it wasn't the time paradox the colonel had warned. It was Doctor Irie, who was smiling happily, humming Village People.
"Oh my God," he jumped up and down, "you're here. Wanna go have a milkshake?"
"AHHHHHH~!", he shrieked back, "Hell no, Rear-Admiral 'Tightass' Lower-Back, Head of the Ass Pirate Fleet, whose flagship is the Cucumber-class submarine, HMS Sodomy!"
"Please settle down, my handsome patient," the doctor said batting his eyes prettily, "I only want to be your friend~."
Itsuki screamed his head off but it was instantly muffled by intense rocket and machine gun fire which reduced the building into a smoking pile of ruins. The Hind's rotor wash cleared most of the smoke away. The chopper, with its menacing shark-faced paint job, hovered like a demon. Irie screamed like a little girl and ran off.
-Surfin' Bird stops-
"Sorry, Charlie," the cynic shouted, "I shit on the Geneva Convention!" He laughed demonically as he brought the chopper to bear on the esper but something happened. In a blinding flash of light, Itsuki appeared in his battle armor, Armored Servile Sucker- Slave System AKA ASS Slave, which resembled a humvee-sized Camel Cricket.
"I'm not running away from you this time, Kyon!" The esper valiantly announced. "With my ASS Slave, you will not find me an easy-" But he froze as the Hind underwent a very epic transformation, which later towered over the helpless esper like a bug. It turned into Metal Gear REX, one hundred times the original size!
"Time to go Second Raid on your ass, Charlie!" Kyon screeched happily as he lifted REX's foot. Itsuki's hair went white and he screamed some more, turning around to run away but the foot instantly pancaked him like a cockroach. After some scrunching, it lifted its foot and scraped the wreckage against the ruins.
Satisfied he had settled his scores with the commie, he smiled at Rena, "Wohoo! Now that he's dead, let's go for some poontang!"
"I agree, Kyon!" She smiled back. Then they walked off into the setting sun.
"GYYYAGGGHH!" Itsuki woke up from such an acid trip. He darted his eyes all around the room, looking for anything wrong. Nothing wrong. He was about to go to sleep when he heard...
... Passionate lovemaking. Alarmed, he got out of bed and took Dokuro-chan's Excalibolg and sneaked into the hallway all the way into a another room. The closer he got, the louder he heard the giggling. He stealthily rolled to the ajar door and saw Kyon and Rena making hot passionate love. He watched for several seconds cause it's better than porn. When it passed, he tiptoed his way into the room and raised Excalibolg...
PLAY BALL!
He began thrashing his bat against the sleeping couple wildly, wanting them to be absolutely dead before they kill him!
KILLING SPREE!
He screamed loudly, wishing them to be dead.
DOUBLE KILL!
More of Itsuki killing them. He then enhanced his rage into demonic levels through button-bashing.
OOOH, DEMON SUMMON!
He beat so hard until he was pulled back to the floor and someone stomped his face. He groaned awake and saw the rape faces of Kyon and Rena, who were dressed in Calvin Kleins and white bra-and-panties respectively.
"WHAT HELL! How are you still alive?" He shrieked, quaking in fear at the freaky couple.
"Oh Itsuki, you're so easy~," Kyon replied, "we just recorded a tape of us making love. Then we played it for your convenience." Rena turned off the tape recorder in the nightstand.
"But, but, but," Itsuki stuttered like broken record. "H-how-"
"We put some blow-up dolls on the bed while we make hot love in the next room." Rena replied. True enough, she lifted the sheets and revealed some badly mangled blow-up dolls of the two, not to mention some (live)characters from Yugi-Oh, Yu Yu Hakusho, and Bleach.
"Well, Itsuki," Kyon cheered, "how about some fun time."
"What do you mean?" Itsuki asked rapidly.
Kyon brandished Excalibolg, "Bend over, bishie."
Itsuki's eyes popped the eyes of saucepans, "Hell no!" He squealed back in fear.
"Let's do this the hard way then," he turned to Rena, "Rena, make him comf'torble."
Rena punched Itsuki's nuts and he knelt down in pain, groaning. She then undid his pants and boxers. She held the esper in place. "Remember, this was all just a bad dream, pretty boy." Kyon said to him before he shoved the spiked club into his...
"ARRRRGGGHH!" Itsuki jumped out of bed with his high-pitched screaming and ran around like a headless chicken before crashing through the window. He hit the ground with a hard thud. "Ow, my balls!"
The Cheesy Job...
They only had a few meters of soil to dig away when one of the hamsters, Dexter, brought out some bad news. He said to Churuya, "Stop digging, stop digging!"
Churuya ordered everyone, "Everybody, stop digging!" The hamsters stopped and Churuya turned to Dexter, "Yeah, what is it?"
"It seems that we have ran into a bit of a problem," the nerdy hamster explained, producing a laptop, "the Kimiyoshi house has a wide basement hidden below that's made of steel-reinforced concrete with high-tech containment measures meant to preserve the smoked cheese in prime condition."
"We know that already," she replied with some annoyance, hands on her hips, "what's your point?"
"We almost stumbled into its security system," he replied. He turned the laptop for everyone to see the schematics of the house and the surrounding area. Some of the things highlighted in red are parts of the security system. "It includes surveillance cameras, motion sensors on the ground, sentry guns from MW2, and seismic sensors."
"So what?" She's not convinced.
"The seismic sensors can detect underground deviation. This Kimiyoshi guy knows how to protect his investments." He explained.
"Churuya," Achakura cautioned, "call it off. Let's do this at some other time."
"No!" The green-haired chibi firmly snapped, "I'm not gonna run away just cause some old man who hates to go to a nursing home and installs a security system to protect what is rightfully mine."
"But the smoke cheese isn't yours in the first place. We're coming to steal it, remember?" The bluenette chibi reminded.
"That's why I say it's rightfully mine!" Churuya turned to Dexter, "Dex! Can you hack in?"
"Quite certain, Miss Churuya," he said in a cheery British accent, "It's incredibly simple." He type in the laptop furiously until he reached the Admin login. It demanded a password.
"Oh no, we need a password," Achakura said worriedly.
"No worries, dear," Dexter replied, "because the password is PASSWORD." Sure enough, he type in PASSWORD and he got in. "Let's dance," he muttered evilly as he installed Microsoft Windows 95 into the security system. They succeeded when the laptop flashed, SYSTEM SCREWED.
"Perfect!" the Tsuruya clone drawled. "Proceed digging." The hamsters started tunneling again until they hit a concrete wall. The hamsters, after digging almost nonstop, were shocked to see it. They dropped like flies, panting heavily.
"They're bustin' asses like a muthafucka down there." Boss said pitifully. "There's still a hole to be made through the titanium inner wall."
"They ain't gonna do that is they're laying around like coochless muthafuckas," Churuya muttered, pissed
"This is F.U.B.A.R.," Boss replied, "I say we juice 'em, what do you think?"
"Juice 'em." She approved.
Boss pressed a trigger that blew a C4 charge in the wall, blowing a bag-ass hole through it.
BOOM!
It also blew the hamsters near it back to their direction, piling up everyone. Everyone coughed and Boss emerged with some satisfaction, "Big ass titties!"
The chibis and the hamsters walked into the hole and lo and behold! They found what Churuya had planned all her life: the smoked cheese! Kept in high tech safes with transparent walls made of the strongest materials available.
-When Johnny Comes Marching Home(Die Hard w/ A Vengeance) plays-
The party cheered like drunken sports fans at a soccer game. They began cracking the safes, taking in equipment from acetylene torches, power drills, and stethoscopes to C4 and laptops. Just they thought nothing could go wrong, something else stirred above them.
The village headman, Old Man Kimiyoshi woke up to inspect the racket below in his secret basement. He muttered to himself, "Damn earthquakes and groundwater." He opened the hatch that lead down.
-When Johnny Comes Marching Home stops-
Churuya giggled with triumphant laughter when the hatch above them squeaked open. They all looked up to see who it is. It was Old Man Kimiyoshi.
He was shocked and mad to see these shenanigans happening in his basement. Most of all, threatening his precious horde of smoked cheese.
"Hey you damn varmints!" He barked at them, "Quit smoking my cheese!"
The hamsters instantly panicked like ladies in a cockroach-filled Walmart and ran back to the tunnels faster then an esper.
Churuya challenged him, "Go change your adult diapers, old man!" Kimiyoshi pumped and cocked a shotgun.
BOOM!
"AAAHHH!" Both Churuya and Achakura screamed as they ran around the room, dodging buckshot. Kimiyoshi furiously pumped his shotgun at them, wanting to blow those cheese thieves to kingdom come. But instead, he blew blocks of cheese as the chibis dart from block to block to escape his rage. That pissed him off even more. He took a sickle and began chasing the chibis all around the room. They dove into a whole in the blocks of cheese. He followed and tried to crawl in but he got stuck and buried in an avalanche of carcinogenic dairy products. The chibis ran into the hole. He emerged like a crackhead from the pile of cheese. He growled viciously... and had a stroke.
"Blow the tunnel!" Achakura screamed, "Blow the tunnel-"
BOOM! Boss quickly pressed the button
The chibis were blown all the way back to the place were they the rock the blocked there way.
"Umph!" Churuya landed hard on the tunnel floor.
"Umph!" Achakura smacked against the wall. They coughed as the smoke and dust cleared. A soot-covered Churuya looked at the caved-in portion of the tunnel in disbelief.
"Nyoron~..." She moaned sadly. Then she shrieked in a tinny-high pitched voice, "It's not over yet, old man! You're gonna be sucking on apple sauce when I'm through with you!" She kept ranting when Achakura and the hamsters pulled her out of the way.
Oh my God! Things have gotten bad to worst. The two brigades allying, Itsuki's nightmare, Mikuru's a lesbian, the South Park kids up to their mischief and a robbery foiled? Watch out for part 2 of this crazy non sequitur, The Other Side of Nighttime. Be afraid... be very afraid.
PS, the Rapeman bit is based on a Youtube video I saw.