A/N: This is the last chapter that will be in Demi's point of view for a while. It's time to give Selena a voice. Sorry for this dreadful update. It was inevitable. I appreciate everyone's reviews and thank you for reading it. We've still got a ways to go!
It wasn't real to me. As I watched Dallas's casket being lowered into the cold earth, I couldn't help but wish it was me instead. I'll never understand why she had to die. It was unfair. The service had ended a while ago. I couldn't bring myself to leave her. Not yet. I wanted to be as close to her as I could for as long as I could. I continued watching as the gravediggers covered what remained of her in brown earth.
I watched as my mother walked toward me. She didn't say anything as she wrapped me in her warm embrace. She held me as we both cried. "I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry." I croaked.
"Shhh. It's ok." She soothed. "Let's go home."
As I sat at my moms house, I felt numb. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. Selena was in the den talking with my mom. Dallas's death was hard for her. They had always been close. I'm sure I didn't do anything to help with my relapse and accident. She was extremely stressed and it showed.
"Mama?"
"Hey baby. Come here." I smiled as I scooped Stella up into my lap.
"I miss aunt Dallas." She cried.
"I know sweetheart. Me too."
"Is that why mommy is so sad?"
"Yeah." I whispered.
"When are you coming home?"
I had no idea how to answer that. How do you explain to an 8 year old, you won't ever be coming home? How do you explain that you broke her mothers heart, and you you probably won't ever be able to fix it.
"Sweetheart, you know that mommy and I don't live together anymore."
"But I thought you both loved each other again." She stated innocently.
"Your mother and I love each other very much. I know it's hard for you to understand right now. Someday when you are older, you will."
"Mama?"
"Yes."
"I love you."
"I love you too punkin." I answered as I placed a kiss on the top of her head and held her tightly. We stayed like that for quite some time. My mom came into the room to tell Stella it was time for her to go. She hugged me goodbye and left with Selena. Selena didn't say a word to me.
Once everyone had cleared out of the house my mom told me that she needed to speak with me. I knew she wanted me to enter treatment. I honestly didn't know if I could or if I even wanted to. I'm always going to be like this.
"Demi, you need help." She didn't skirt around the issue at hand. Straight to the point. "I should have done more for you when you were younger. I should have stopped all of this before it got so out of hand. I knew better. I knew what was happening. This is my fault."
"Mom. No. This is not your fault. It's mine. You tried. You did the best you could."
"I should have done more."
"I'm not going to argue with you about this mom."
"You know I love you right?"
"Of course I know that. You're my mom."
"I want you to listen to me. I don't want you to say anything until I'm finished. Can you do that? I nod my head, and she continues. "I want you to go to rehab. I want you to stay until you are actually ready to leave. By ready to leave, I mean able to cope with life in a healthy way. I want you to stop all of this bullshit. I cannot bury another one of my children."
"Rehab? A lot of fucking good that did me mom. We tried it. Look at me now. I'm the same if not worse!"
"You have two choices Demi. Get in the car that's waiting outside, go to treatment and get better, or leave this house and don't come back. I am exhausted. I cannot do this anymore." She looked completely devastated as she said it.
"That seems to be a popular fucking sentiment with you people. Do what I want you to or don't come back. That's real fucking fair. Have any of you thought about what I want or need? No. Probably not. Fuck this. Fuck you." I snapped back. I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I saw the car that was waiting to take me to a treatment facility, I walked past it and headed down the street. I kept walking until I found myself standing in front of a bar. I walked in and an hour later I felt nothing.
I can't say for sure how I ended up at Selena's house. I stumbled to the front door and started pounding it. When the door opened, Selena stepped outside and closed it behind her.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" She said annoyed. "You're going to wake up Stella." As she stood there looking at me, I could pinpoint the exact moment she figured out I was drunk. The flash of hurt and anger in her eyes was obvious.
"Leave. Now." Her voice was firm and low.
"Selena, I love you." I slurred. As I looked at her she looked completely uncomfortable.
"No you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be doing this."
"Come on Sel, lets go inside and work this out." I attempted to get closer to her. She placed her hand on my chest and pushed me back.
"You are not coming inside my house. Demi, leave. I don't want you here."
"Your house? I'm pretty sure I bought the fucking thing!" I yelled. She looked completely helpless at this point. I know she wanted to cry, but she wouldn't. I watched as she turned around and opened the door. I don't know why I did it but I did, I stopped her from shutting the door and pushed into the house. She tried to stop me.
"Demi! Stop!" She sounded scared. As she struggled to try to keep me out of the house, I snapped. I grabbed her by her neck and slammed her into the wall. She stopped struggling with me and just looked at me.
"Is this what you want?" She whispered. I was stunned. I let go of her and backed away slowly until I was out of the house. She brought her hands up to to her neck and touched the red marks that I had left behind. I have never seen the look in her eyes that she had now. She was afraid. Afraid of me. I felt sick. I turned around and collapsed on the front lawn. As I fell to my knees, I puked. She stood there in the doorway in shock, unable to move.
I picked myself off the ground and walked away. I knew in that moment that I was completely out of control. I knew in that moment I had effectively destroyed my entire telationship with the woman I just left standing in that doorway. I knew that she would never be the same again. I had no one to blame but myself. I did the only thing that I could think of. I left.
I spent the next few days in and out of various drug and alcohol induced stupors. In all honesty I wanted to die. I was drinking so much I was hoping I would pass out and never wake up. So far, no such luck. The cocaine wasn't really helping either. It just made me irritable and restless. As I laid there on my bedroom floor, I realized that I had two choices. I could either live or die. As I pondered the consequences of both of those options, I realized that no matter which one I chose, I probably wasn't going to get a happy ending. I laid there for 3 hours. In the end I chose to live. I grabbed a backpack filled it with what I needed and left. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I didn't have a clue myself. The only thing I knew was, somewhere out there I would find myself. Just not here. I didn't even look back.