A/N: Hello, you guys. I've been out of action for three months and I finally got my internet back, I didn't do my qouta of three updates/stories a month so I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm essentially making a filler right now. This one concerns about Tsuruya and the culture fest. These filler is based on Monty Python and two scenes from Borat (one deleted). Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. URA!

Now enjoy and read my shameless yarn.

(Lacto)Culture Shock

As Tsuruya marched out of the Angel Morth with the others, she felt flushed from not having to get her cheese dosage. That, in turn, reminded her of a horrible flashback she had back in last year's culture fest...

Last year's Culture Fest...

It's the culture fest in North High and everyone is celebrating it - and making a little money in the best tradition of capitalism. Everywhere you go, every room in the school is turned into a shop or something and every wing of the school is a now commercial district. They offer everything from goods to services - at rip-off prices intended to put most upper middle-class people in the Third World to poverty(a man from Malaysia shouted, 'Revolution! Down with capitalism-!' The brick from the author has put him to sleep.)

After browsing through the book stands, Tsuruya was happily walking around as she passed by some maid cafes, some Takoyaki stands and other establishments. Looking at the maid cafes brought a smile to her face. She thought how Mikuru, right now, is horribly costume-raped by Haruhi and friends. Although they were both friends, Tsuruya always enjoyed hearing her scream and beg for Haruhi to stop. It was like an audio fest for her ears. Some friend indeed. Perhaps she should see Mikuru now.

As she loitered around, the hall was crowded with students who were crowding around the hall going into the various classrooms for the culture fest, her stomach growled really loudly. Normally, that would have scared everyone around her but when Tsuruya's nearby, they just shrugged it off as a normal occurence. It was also something normal for Tsuruya: Time for a snack!

So she toured the halls to see what they would have offered. There was a French-style maid cafe, a Turkish schwarma place, Chinese food...

She took a passing look at a shop set up by Taniguchi, SLEAZE R' US, which offers everything porn-related from magazines, to DVDs, to posters; hentai or live-action; yuri and yaoi; doujins, whips, ball gags, and all the great and amazing stuff in between. On the large window is carboard cutout advertisement of two very distinguished Canadians, pop idol Justin Beiber and adult movie star Peter North, dressed in rather skimpy bathing briefs and smiling. The movie they were together is Vancouver Holiday: Backdoor Bromance. How the playboy got to set up such a shop that peddles explicit media and items is a mystery except for those in it and here's how. Taniguchi bribed the principal, the faculty and Parents-Teachers Association, and the Student Council President agreed to allow him to set up his place of immoral purveyance in exchanged for 20 percent of the profit. In any case, it's now the hottest bestseller in the school, noted by the large crowd of boys and yaoi fangirls. It also offers discount Rei Ayanami cyborg lovedolls.

AHA!

She found it! Next to Taniguchi's porn shop is what she was looking for! She looked to see a very Edwardian-lookig shop sign that said, 'North High Cheese Emporium'.
Below is Ryoko Asakura, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Cheese-Lover and the Lactose-Intolerant Too.' Further below is another sign: 'Licensed For Public Dancing.'

She entered the shop and took a look around. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. She saw the ENOZ girls at corner dancing around to some Greek music while Mai Zaizen played with the bazouki. They all wore handsome costumes for male performers. Tsuruya just gave them a curious look before going to counter. She rang the the bell.

"Good Morning." Tsuruya greeted. When she looked at who was managing the shop, she was happily astounded to see it was Ryoko Asakura.

"Good morning, Tsuruya. Welcome to the North High Cheese Emporium!"

"Wow, Ryoko, I didn't expect you to put on shop during the culture fest."

She gave a closed-eyed smile. "I decided to give it try so a I put up a cheese shop."

"Ah, thank you, my good girl."

Asakura happily asked, eager to help, "What can I do for you, Miss Tsuruya?"

The fanged girl explained, "Well, I was, uh, sitting in the library on the West Wing just now, skimming through Harry Potter by JK Rowling, and I suddenly came over all peckish."

"Peckish, Tsuruya?" The interface was puzzled.

"Esuriant."

"Eh?" Asakura couldn't understand what the hell does that mean.

"Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!" Tsuruya explained in some gibberish no one knows.

Understanding old dialects from the British Isles, Achakura replied in a stunned cheer, "Ah, hungry!"

Tsuruya smiled as soon as the interface finally got it. "In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick,' so, I curtailed my Rowling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!"

"Come again?" The bluenette didn't got it.

Tsuruya squealed, "I want to buy some cheese."

Asakura was taken aback. "Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!" she apologized. She pointed to the ENOZ girls, who seem to be in their own world as they danced.

"Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!"

"Sorry?"

"'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!"

"So they can go on playing, can he?"

"Most certainly!" Tsuruya agreed.

Itsuki Koizumi with a broad Northern accent said, "Anyway."

Jumping to her feet, Ryoko cried, "Who said that?"

Seeming to ignore the thing scaring Asakura, the green-hiared said, "Now then, some cheese please, my good girl."

Back to herself in an istant, Asakura chimed lustily, "Certainly, Miss Tsuruya. What would you like?"

Tsuruya mentioned her selection, "Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester."

Asakura replied matter-of-factly,"I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, Tsuruya."

Not one to dwell on one choice alone, Tsuruya asked for another, "Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?"

"I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Tsuruya, we get it fresh on Monday."

"Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please."

"Ah! It's beeeen on order, Tsuruya, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning."

"'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?"

"Sorry, Miss Tsuruya."

"Red Windsor?"

"Normally, Miss Tsuruya, yes. Today the van broke down." That earned Askaura an odd look from her costumer

Tsuruya decided to press on. "Ah. Stilton?"

"Sorry."

"Ementhal? Gruyere?"

"No."

"Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance."

"No."

"Lipta?"

"No."

"Lancashire?"

"No."

"White Stilton?"

"No."

"Danish Brew?"

"No."

Double Goucester?

Achakura paused for a moment to think if she had any. Then she replied, "No."

"Cheshire?"

"No."

It seems rather frustrating already...

"Dorset Bluveny?"

"No."

"Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?" She eagerly wanted to know if she has any French cheeses.

"No."

Tsuruya suggested, "Camenbert, perhaps?"

"Ah!" the bluenette chimed, "We have Camenbert."

"You do! Excellent." LOL-fanged tan sounnded surprised. Finally this shop had cheese after all.

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya." She blushed. "It's..ah,...it's a bit runny..."

"Oh, I like it runny."

"Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir." Her blushing got redder.

"No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!" She made a kiss in the like she about taste. She she thought it was soon.

"I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, Miss Tsuruya."

"I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed."

She reluctantly bent over to see if she has any. All she saw was Shamisen, with a big belly, lying lazily on his back. She then appeared again. "Oooooooooohhh...!"

Tsuruya raised an eyebrow in suspiscion, "What now?"

Asakura explained with embarrasment, "The cat's eaten it."

That earned a stunned pause from the green-haired girl. "Has she." she finally said.

"He, Tsuruya," Asakura corrected. Shamisen burped loudly.

"Oh." She paused in reply, "Gouda?"

"No."

"Edam?"

"No."

"Case Ness?"

"No."

"Smoked Austrian?"

"No."

"Japanese Sage Darby?"

"No, Miss Tsuruya."

"You...do have some cheese, don't you?"

"Of course, Miss Tsuruya," Asakura answered brightly. "It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-"

"No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess."

Fair enough."

"Uuuuuh, Wensleydale."

"Yes?"

"Ah, well, I'll have some of that!"

"Oh! I thought you were talking to me, Miss Tsuruya. Wensleydale, that's my middle name." Tsuruya looked up to see the sign above her shop. True enough she her full name: Ryoko Wensleydale Asakura. Since when did she had a middle name?

LOL FAn-tan paused for while to think of a cheese her brain has registered. She finally asked. "Greek Feta, nyoro?"

"Uh, not as such."

"Uuh, Gorgonzola?"

"No."

"Parmesan"

"No."

"Mozarella, nyoro."

"No."

"Paper Cramer,"

"No."

"Danish Bimbo,"

"No."

"Czech sheep's milk?"

"No."

She then suggested about a cheese she heard on the internet, "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?"

"Not today, Miss Tsuruya, no."

She paused for while, then it hit her. "Aah, how about Cheddar?

"Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir."

"Not much ca-," Tsuruya choked in shock, "it's the single most popular cheese in the world!"

"Not 'round here, Miss Tsuruya," she informed plainly.

She asked slowly, masking her mounting fury, "... And what IS the most popular cheese 'round nyah?"

"'Illchester, Miss Tsuruya."

Her hopes going up, she asked excitedly, desperate for cheese, "IS it."

"Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, my lady."

"Is it, nyoro." She said.

She bulrted happily "It's our number one best seller, Miss Tsuruya!"

"I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?"

"Right, Miss Tsuruya."

"All right. Okay. Have you got any' she asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

"I'll have a look, Miss Tsuruya." She bent down to see if there's any. Then went back up "...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno."

Tsuruya then asked in disbelief, "It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?"

"Finest in the school!" Asakura chimed proudly.

She asked suspicously, "Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please."

"Well, it's so clean, Miss Tsuruya!"

"It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese..." the fanged girl noted sourly.

Achakura then offered suggestion brightly, "You haven't asked me about Limburger, Miss Tsuruya."

The greenette asked cautiously"Would it be worth it?"

"Could be..." she relied cryptically.

"Have you -" Already pissed by the music and dancing, she growled angrily at ENOZ, "YOU DYKES SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!" They were all startled into silence.

"Told you so, Tsuruya..." she reminded her a while ago about the music.

Mai Zaizen said to others, "Come on, guys. There's a Greek restaurant set at Mikuru's class. I heard they need good Greek dancers and players." They silently left one by one, leaving the shop to the bluenette and fanged girl.

Tsuruya, controlling her mounting anger, said slowly and politely,"Have you got any Limburger?"

"No." The bluenette replied with a smile on her face.

"Oh, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:"

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya?"

"Have you in fact got any cheese here at all."

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya."

"Really?" she chimed, he hopes going up.

There was some silence before they continued haggling.

"No. Not really, Miss Tsuruya." she replied sadly.

She was about to snap but kept her voice calm, feigning surprise, "You haven't."

"No, Miss Tsuruya. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, Miss Tsuruya." She gave a toothy smile made that LOL fangtan red with anger.

"Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you."

"Right-Oh, Tsuruya."

Tsuruya took out a gun and shot Achakura in the head. There was a yelp and a thud on the floor. She then deadpanned in polite British English, "What a senseless waste of human life." She put on a Stetson and was about to leave when Haruhi and Yuki showed up.

"Hiya, Tsuruya," Haruhi greeted happily.

"Hi, Haruhi," Tsuruya said grumpily as she stomped by them.

"Why the long face, Tsuruya?" Haruhi asked cheerily asked, but with some concern on her face.

"This place had got no cheese," she fumed. She then turned around and faced Haruhi. "If you're looking for Asakura, I just shot her and she's lying over there." She pointed to the counter.

Haruhi took a look at the counter and got mildly surprised. "Oh, you're right. She's dead," The tsundere said like it was just a nasty kitchen stain. She turned back to Tsuruya. "Speaking of cheese, I was just here to give you some."

Instantly forgetting her rage like a kid, she look chimed brightly, "Really?"

Haruhi nodded. "Yup."

"Thank God, Haruhi," she chimed brightly, "you're a lifesaver."

"Here you go, Tsuruya." Haruhi hand over to her a bento box.

She greedily swiped the box and ripped open the lid, sending it flying. It ricochet off the wall behind her and hit Shamisen, causing him to scream. She gazed hungrily at the contents: creamy white wedges of dairy softness. Her mouthed watered like a waterfall.

Haruhi asked cheerily, "What do you think, Tsuruya? You like it?"

Tsuruya just mashed her face into the box, growling as she ate the cheese wedges, sending bits and pieces of cheese - and bento box - flying around. Once she's finished eating the cheese, she turned to Haruhi shouted in joy, "This is the best cheese I've ever eatened! Thanks, Haruhi!"

"That's great," Tsuruya hollered.

"It's made from Mikuru, just for you," Haruhi added with a closed eye smile.

She grinned happily when she heard her best friend made it, but that grin disappeared when she reexamined Haruhi's words. It's made from... Mikuru? (You get the idea) To her horror, she realized where it came from. She immediately took a nearby trashcan and violently vomitted to it. She threw up three months worth of dairy products into it.

As if to underscore the meaning, she added, "It's made from her boobies."

"OH MY GOD! MY MIND IS BURNING! MY TONGUE IS SCREWED!" She screamed as she ran out of the shop, frightening passer-by.

Haruhi was befuddled by Tsuruya's reaction. She said to herself, "Man, I thought Mikuru cheese would cheer her up."

Why Asakura got no cheese...

In preparation for the culture fest, interface Ryoko Asakura went to supermart to get some cheese for a proposed cheese shop Yuki suggested to her. Being on artificial alien, she had no idea about what food is. She just thought she can get help from humans working there. As Achakura was shopping in the supermart, she went to the dairy section. She turned to a nearby store attendant. "Excuse me," she asked. "Where can I find some cheese?"

"You're in the right spot," said the store guy, "the cheese is right here. Follow me." They both went to an aisle lined with different brands of cheese.

After looking at the aisle for a few good seconds, she realized that there's so much cheese to chose from and she can't which one is the right one for tomorrow. She asked him, "And what is this?" She pointed to a piece of Ricotta.

"That's cheese," the store guy answered.

"And what of this?" She pointed to a Castelrosso

"That's cheese..."

"And this?" Gorgonzola

"That's cheese..."

"And what is this? Rice?"

"No that's cheese, this is all cheese here." He spread his arms emphatically to show her the cheese display.

"But this say "Crackers", this not cheese." She panted to a rand of cheese, Alabama Cracker.

"No, Crackers is the brand, that's cheese..."

"Oh," she said dumbly. "What is that?" Mascarpone.

"That's cheese..." The store guy realized it's gonna be a long day.

A/N: There you have it, fellas. It's based on the Monty Python Cheese Sketch as well from the two Borat scenes. The scene where Asakura went to a cheese aisle was based on the deleted store scene from the movie. The one where Haruhi gives cheese to Tsuruya at the end was based on the scene where Borat offered a politician some cheese. That scene, in its entirety, however... was included in the final production.

Postscript...

Taniguchi was running around in his house screaming as his cyborg Rei love-doll chased him around with a knife.

"They said they were cute and helpless!" he screamed as he avoided a slash from the psychotic cyborg moe-thing from Evangelion. On the TV, a news report about the violece that erupted with berserk Rei dolls went on.

Who said they were cute and helpless? The manufacturers, Kuyou Souh Clones Ltd., of course but they didn't reckon with one thing...

While everyone was setting up for the festival that morning, Yuki Nagato passed by some shipping crates in front of Taniguchi's shop. She noticed a broken crate with a Rei Ayanami-looking mannequin incased in a plastic box. She looked at the label.

CYBORG MOE LOVE-DOLL: REI AYANAMI

She took a closer look and noticed that Rei looked like her. And got pissed!

Taniguchi's fucking with me, she thought angrily. She remembered back in Valentine's Day, Taniguchi tried to wooed every girl in school minus Haruhi, Yuki, Tsuruya and Mikuru. When Taniguchi was turning empty-handed each time, Yuki bluntly said to him that he was a sex addict that no self-respecting girl would turn to for romantic comfort and added, "Quite thinking you're player, cracker."

Taniguchi suddenly felt short between his legs. And every other girl that was around laughed at him. He ran home crying like a baby. But before he left the school gates, he shouted, "Screw you, Yuki!" That earned him a conk on the head by Ryoko.

Yuki's eyes went red-hot. He was selling these Rei dolls as if to say "Fuck you, Yuki! I'm screwing with you!"

"Too can play that game, little bitch," she muttered to herself as her she raised her pointy finger which morphed into a needle. Then she injected the Rei doll and dozens more of it with a Nanobot virus that causes them to berserk with a time-delay.

After that she casually left.

Now she's on the comfort of her apartment, sipping tea and watching the news when her cell phone beeped. She picked it up and said, "Hello..."

"Yuki!" Taniguchi shouted over the other line. "Make them stop!"

"I'm sorry, Taniguchi," she replied tonelessly, "I have no interest in saving your life."

"But Yuki, save me-"

"No," she simply replied and turned the phone off.

Meanwhile, back at Taniguchi's house, things are getting messed up. The Rei doll was about to hack him to bits as he huddled in a corner, scared at as he was about to chopped into sushi.

Then something happened...

There was Justin Beiber music playing loudly. That get the Rei doll's attention. She around and attacked a MP3 player. Then something broke the window and it whistled into the Rei doll's head. It exploded into bits of wire, plastic and whatever is inside a cyborg's head. Taniguchi popped out of his hiding place and turned to the broken window.

At the window, Captain Price, prone with sniper rifle, said on the radio, "Tango down, you're cleared to capture Playboy."

"Roger that, we'll take it from here."

Some SWAT broke down his and moved to his room. Taniguchi cried in juibilation, "Hey guys! You're here! Thanks for saving my life-!" Suddenly they all dogpiled on him, breaking his bones and putting multipile hand-cuffs on him.

"Taniguchi, you're under arrest for selling malfunctioning, left-threatening pleasure units," said the SWAT team leader.

"Wait!" He pleaded as he was dragged, wearing only his briefs. "It wasn't my fault. It was the manufacturers. I didn't do this, I swear!" He kept on pleading and crying as they dragged his ass to the paddy wagon.