Investigative Work
Sorry for the hiatus guys. I've been busy once again with other projects, together with writer's block, technical difficulties and more of the same. Well, anyway, here's Chapter 13 of Kyon! Do Everything!
Wake up, little Stan...
Stan woke wearily from his bed. It was already eight in the morning when he woke up. His mother called out him, "Oh Stan, it's time to wake up. It's not good to sleep all day."
"But mom, I don't wanna wake up," Stan slurred, "me and Cartman when to the village to play a Vietnam role-playing game better than Warcraft."
"What?" she almost squealed. Then she reprimanded, "Stan, are you and your friends getting into trouble again?"
Alarmed, Stan instantly replied in haste, "No, mom! Me and my buddies where going fly fishing there."
"Oh... be sure to wake up and get breakfast." She left the room, leaving Stan up and wide awake, already scared.
"God," he muttered, "I hope that guy never shows up." He was still traumatized from their encounter with Slenderman.
March into adventure...
The SOS Brigade, heavily reinforced, marched to the village. It was a bright sunny morning and the birds and cicadas chirped happily. If there was anything that you'll expect from most of them, they were eager to have some adventure as happily as a bunch of crackheads marching to a seaside cliff.
"Wow, this is so much fun," Tsukasa chimed.
"Yeah..." Kagami said in a monotone, not so happy about their summer trip thanks to Konata.
"Why the long face, Kagami?" Konata chirped cheerily, breezing alongside the tsundere.
"What's a summer vacation to us if you drag us with a group of nitwits called the SOS Brigade?" she snarked back at the otaku.
"Please, Kagami, learn how to count your blessings."
Kagami snapped back at Konata a flaming mouth, "That's one blessing I'll never count!"
Tsukasa looked worriedly at them since at times it looked like her older twin wants to tear the otaku apart - the uniform that is - molest the hell out of her. She looked around and saw...
Yuki Nagato right next to her!
"Bonjour, ma cherie," Yuki greeted in eloquent French with a sunny smile. To most people it would have been sweet, coupled with her flawless command of the language. But to Tsukasa, she was totally terrified.
Tsukasa almost let out shriek and nearly ran into her sister. She clung to her elder twin's arms in terror. "Onee-chan, please save me," she pleaded cutely.
Kagami turned to her sister and cutely comforted her, "There, there, Tsukasa, onee-chan's here." And gave Yuki a hard gaze. "What the hell did you do to my sister?"
Yuki knows when to be express herself and when to be discreet. She decided it was time to be discreet. "I apologize for disturbing you."
"You better because I'll kill you," our lilac-haired tsundere threatened.
So Yuki discreetly backed away. She was now alongside with Kyon. He asked, "Did you just try to be French with that girl?"
"Yes, and she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I would love to meet her at the seaside," Yuki answered with much melancholy.
"Man, Yuki, why France of all places?" Kyon shook his head in disappointment. He then decided to cheer her up. "Hey Yuki, why are there trees along the Champs-Elysees?"
Perplexed, Yuki replied she had no idea. So Kyon answered that question, "Because Germans like marching in the shade." Kyon gave a hearty high-pitched shriek of a laugh that freaked-out Itsuki. Yuki can't get the joke since she, due her superior intellect provided by the Integrated Data Entity, remembered that France currently has one of the best armed forces in the world. Then she remembered about that old movie which inspired her to speak French, Beau Geste, about some guy who went to an outfit called the French Foreign Legion.
It was a thrilling romantic movie and then a thought hit Yuki. She announced boldly, "I shall be Tsukasa's Foreign Legoinnaire, her lost soldier. I shall walk with her to the ends of the earth and protect and her honor till my last breath."
That mange to surprise everyone at her declaration. They all gave her odd looks. "What, Yuki? Are you high?" Kyouko said with an acid tone. That caused the rest of the Anti-SOS Brigade to snicker at her. They all walked passed like the jerks they are to catch up with Haruhi.
Now it's time for Itsuki and Kyon. Itsuki looked nervously at Kyon. Itsuki cautiosly approached Kyon from the back. "Um, Kyon... we need to talk."
Kyon turned his head slowly like he was disturb from his breakfast, "What now?" His low way of saying sent shudders down Itsuki's spine.
"Uh..." he began in a shaky voice, "w-what h-h-happened to you back there?"
Suddenly, Kyon felt he just showed off his prized collection of human heads to Okabe without even thinking about it. That incident yesterday just gave them a hint of the truth about him. Should he tell Itsuki now, then kill him or should he tell Itsuki then, and bury him alive? He decided it was better to tell now and let live, since Itsuki was telling him stuff behind everyone's back and hasn't squealed him.
Yet.
"Uh, nothing, I was just being in character," Kyon said with a smile.
Infuriated, Itsuki snapped at Kyon like he never snapped before, "WHAT? You were in character? You tried to kill me back there!-"
"Shut up, Itsuki," Kyon snarled, "or I'll kill you for real right now if I want to. Now fill me in whatever crap to get this fic running."
That was enough to get the esper scared back to his wits again. He composed himself and began to tell Kyon about everything yesterday. "Okay, so far, we haven't had any whereabouts of Arakawa but Mikuru was kidnapped and forced to stay in one of their houses. And then-"
"Um, we betted Mikuru yesterday," Kyon corrected.
"Uh, right. Anyway, they always make conspicuous references to murder, torture and all sorts of bloody things."
"Yeah," Kyon conceded, "does rape count?"
Then Itsuki's eyes dilated in fear as he remembered the time he spent in the clinic yesterday, oh that horrible time when he was lying in that bed with that pedophile doctor Irie looming above him, not knowing that about his true intention until he insisted in taking... his temperature. Oh the horror of seeing his face, oh that moment he felt his hands and ass thermometer. He started to shake uncontrollably, sweated as he recalled about him having a 'lollipop' in his pants.
"Hey, Itsuki," the cynic asked, "you wanna continue or not?"
Back in reality, Itsuki went on, "Also, I suspect that the villagers are really hiding something concerning Arakawa and Frank Cotton."
"Yeah, no kidding, some patients at the clinic were talking him and these townspeople of South Park getting some divine wrath from the village deity, whatever the hell that means. Not to mention that redheaded nutty seems a little suspicious to me."
Then Kunikida noticed about what they were talking about and butted in, "Hey, whatcha talkin' about, guys?"
They both made a quick about-face in shock. Kyon and Itsuki must have an explanation soon or the cat's out of the bag. Then the idea hit him.
"Uh... me and Itsuki are having a homosexual affair," Kyon explained confidently. Itsuki raised an eyebrow and looked at Kyon.
Kunikida couldn't believe his ears. He looked at both for a before he replied, "Did I just hear that?"
"No," Itsuki quickly denied.
"Yes," Kyon refuted. "Now run along, you're way back in line."
Kunikida just nodded, thoroughly confused and walked on with a good WTF look in his face. As soon as he's out of sight, Kyon turned back to Itsuki.
"See," Kyon said proudly, "it's super-effective."
"I didn't think of it that way," Itsuki replied.
"Well, now he's confused, it won't be long that he'll forget about it. Now, back to business, were are we?"
"Uh, okay, we also have some bird camera guy with a French accent and the nurse from the..." Then Itsuki paused, suddenly realizing where he was going.
"What, Itsuki?" Kyon asked.
He replied in a constipated voice, "The nurse... is from the... I-Ir-Irie... CLINIC!" He screamed.
"Wow, you're still traumatized from that near-molestation experience there, huh?" Kyon noted. Itsuki nodded his head vigorously.
Kyon asked, "By the way, what do you think of Rena?"
Itsuki hesitated. He still recalled from his dream that Rena joined in to kill him with Kyon. He finally gulped and said, "I think she may have killed Cotton."
"Really? You should have seen the size of her knife."
"She carried a knife?" Itsuki was shocked.
"Yeah. Seems that the plot thickens, eh?" Kyon noted.
Meanwhile, Kyouko had been just around the corner listening. Then a devious thought had entered her mind, Itsuki's on a mission? Perfect. I'll mess with him, it'll be a lot of fun.
"We built a camp outside the village," Haruhi said to Konata as they happily marched ahead of their column.
"Wow, that's great," Konata chirped, skipping alongside the Brigadefuhrer. "Could we stay there?"
"Well, we all take shifts every now and then, some stay here while they rest of us stay at the hotel." In practice, it was often Kyon who did most of the work.
They finally reached Firebase Haruhistan. The entire place was a mess, almost like Woodstock concert took place there. Garbage was strewn around everywhere and there were messed-up netting, and broken branches all around.
"What the hell?..." Haruhi mouth went slack and her eyes wide in bewilderment. The wind blew some of the trash that adorned the camp around, like some dead bushes that roll by in a desert.
"Boy, Haruhi," Konata commented, "this place is a total wreck." That caused Haruhi's eyes to twitch.
Kyouko snickered. "Look's like someone got high last night."
Haruhi turned to Kyon, demanding an answer from him, "Kyon! This place looks like hammered shit."
Kyon crossed his arms and with a proud smile he answered, "Looks don't count for shit in the jungle. This is 'Nam, baby!"
SMACK!
"Owww..." Kyon groaned, crawling pathetically with his face in the dirt after that hard blow from Haruhi.
"Come on, guys," Haruhi said. "We've got work to do."
Now that they were finished with repairing the camp, they all entered the sandbag bunker and Haruhi began the briefing, "Okay, now that we all here, our first order of business is to acquaint the newcomers with our job here."
"To solve the mystery murders of the village?" Konata chimed excitedly.
"We'll get to that, but right now, you've got to be familiar with the village." She then turned to Yuki. "Okay, Yuki, tell these novices about this village so far."
Yuki stepped forward and cleared her through, "Ehem. The village of Hinamizawa is a village located in Gifu Prefecture, Japan, population 2000. It is a UN Heritage Site..." Everyone was just dazzled by Yuki's detailed explanation of Hinamizawa. Konata blinked her eyes in surprise as she never thought of anyone smarter than Miyuki. Tsukasa seemed to have her brain short-circuited by the long, fast detail of the alien's monologue. Tsuruya was getting dizzy from the history section.
"... which brings us here to this day. Thank you," Yuki finally concluded and bowed before going back to her place in the bunker.
After minutes of awkward silence, everyone clapped loudly. Yuki never failed to surprise anyone, even her own friends, except maybe the Anti-Brigade.
"You suck, Yuki!" Kyouko hissed. Fujiwara joined in by jeering at the alien. Sasaki's veins popped up from the embarrassment they were garnering her so she gave them two uppercuts.
BRACK!
That finally silenced them. Then they continued with business. "Okay, now, let's see what we should do. First of all, we should investigate two homes here that are of special interest."
"Which homes?" Kunikida asked. "The Games Club kids'?"
Annoyed, she replied, "No... not yet." Her voice was low as she recalled how Rena stole Mikuru away from her. However, since it's still business she put that aside and went on. "The two homes of interest would be the Bates Inn and the house of Dr. Hannibal Lecter."
"Bates Inn... Lecter..." Konata mused curiously. She heard about them before. She then latch up to the database called her mind to see if there's anything registering in her otaku archives about them. Ten seconds later, she realized she never heard of them. "Who are they?" she asked Haruhi.
"That's what we're gonna find out," Haruhi chimed. "Also, we need to keep an eye on those kids. Okay, the first team would go to the Bates Inn. That would be Kyon, Itsuki, Yuki, Kyouko, and Tsuruya."
"Yay!" Tsuruya clapped loudly. "I hope he has smoked cheese!"
"Yeah, yeah," Haruhi said with disinterest. "And the second team would be me, Sasaki, Taniguchi, Kuyou, and blond asshole."
Suddenly stung by the insult, Fujiwara snapped, "What! I have a name!"
"Who cares, you're a scumbag." Haruhi shrugged off that.
"Hey, what about us?" Konata said, clearly not being considered for a role in their adventure.
"Oh yeah, since your novices, I think you should latch up with Kunikida and go interview patients at the clinic."
"Thanks, Haruhi," Konata cheerily replied.
"Yeah... thanks for dragging our asses," Kagami added dryly.
"Hey, at least you're not trespassing private property with us," Kyon snarked.
Finally, Haruhi announced the end of the meeting, "Any questions? None? Let's roll out!"
House-warming party...
The first team looked at the Bates Inn from the bushes surrounding it. Off all the houses in Hinamizawa, this was the most lonely and frankly the most depressing. The bare trees were always full of roosting crows and the lawn around the inn was overgrown. Hell, even in a sunny day, the Bates Inn always has its own personal gloomy cloud.
"Is she serious?" Kyon asked. "The only thing hidden in that place is dust and old furniture."
"Well, we're gonna find out if Mr. Bates is home," Itsuki said. He then made a gesture for the rest of their gang to come out of hiding. They all converge around the doorway.
Itsuki knocked on the door. Three raps. Nothing. He then rapped three times and called out, "Good morning, Mr. Bates. We're here to ask you a few questions."
"This is getting boring," Kyon deadpanned and pushed Itsuki aside.
"Kyon, I really think you shouldn't-"
Kyon's foot crashed against the door and sent it inward. He then marched inside and proclaimed loudly, "Mr. Bates! Exterminators here!" They rest of the gang fell in. First was Itsuki, who tiptoed in, then Tsuruya and Kyouko skipped into the living room, and finally Yuki who casually went inside.
At the Lecter house, Haruhi managed to to break in by using Kuyou's head as a battering ram. After breaking through the door, they casually threw her aside like a sack of rice.
"This is a home invasion," Sasaki warned. "We could get caught."
"Oh yeah?" Haruhi flaunted once again her disregard for the law. "How could you trust the law now when they didn't solve the disappearance of Frank Cotton?"
"Who the hell is Frank Cotton?" Sasaki asked.
"Oh, he's just some tourist who got lost during the festival last year, duh," Haruhi explained. "Some lady friend of his is paying us to find his corpse."
Sasaki was shocked to hear it. "You mean your latest racket is finding some missing person? For money? Haruhi, how could you be such a weasel?"
Haruhi smiled. "The SOS Brigade needs funds. And I need the fame."
"You're more than a weasel," Sasaki exclaimed, "you're an insensitive, egotistical gold-digging gloryhound."
"Hey, weren't you listening to Yuki? She explained about Frank Cotton being here."
Sasaki answered, "Yuki has overloaded our minds with too much info nonsense so I had to ignore her lest my brain gets splattered all over the walls."
"Okay, why don't you start over there." Haruhi pointed to a liquor cabinet on the wall.
At the Bates Inn, they divided themselves into two groups. Kyon, Itsuki and Yuki searched the rooms upstairs while Kyouko and Tsuruya sniffed around the ground floor. Upstairs, the trio were making a room-to-room sweep, with Kyon crashing through every door and ransacking each room, while Itsuki and Yuki were more methodical.
As they sifted through the mess created by Kyon, Itsuki found a magazine called the The Hip Psycho. It was last month's issue and it was about how to kill your victims in style, what's the best alibi when the police pay you a visit, and exclusive interviews from serial killers on the run. Kyon called the others, "Hey guys, I got something."
Yuki and Itsuki walked in. He tossed the magazine to them. "Well look at here..." Itsuki muttered. Itsuki was mildly disturbed by the magazine, which treats a heinous act as if it was a new fashion trend.
Yuki took the magazine, flipped every page to analyze it and said. "This magazine is a horrible perversion of freedom of speech, dedicated to the glorification of sadism, murder, and psychosis; the detailing of horrible deeds; and sexual deviancy in the form of S&M. Also has good ads on shoes."
The two boys were dumbstruck. Then Itsuki asked, "Is it a clue?"
"Yes," she replied in monotone. "It has Norman Bates' fingerprints."
"Okay, let's keep it in a plastic bag," Itsuki suggested. As ordered, Yuki produced a paper bag, two disposable rubber gloves and tweezers. She put the magazine inside the bag. Then she proceeded to take out from her pocket, all the gear of a Crime Scene Investigator, much to the amazement of the boys, who blinked their eyes several times to know that their not dreaming.
Downstairs, Tsuruya was trashing the kitchen as a bored Kyouko, searching for smoked cheese. "I gotta find some smoked cheese," she said deliriously. "I need my nourishment." Looking haggard with bleary eyes, she broke open the cupboards, assaulted the pantry and checked the refrigerators.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing!
"This is insane!" she cried. She turned to Kyouko. "Help me find some smoked cheese!"
"Why are you so worked over a hunk of cheese?" she deadpanned.
Tsuruya grabbed her and shook her vigorously. "Smoke cheese is my favorite food! If I don't have it, I'll go outta my mind."
"Okay! Okay already!" the female esper frantically. Tsuruya elt go of her grip. Kyouko wiped the spittle sprayed from the cheese-lover's mouth in disgust. She suggested angrily, "If you're looking for some cheese, everything upstairs is made of that stuff."
Then Tsuruya was stunned by her words. Upstairs. Of course. That's where, she thought, Bates was keeping the cheese. It was like a revelation meant only for her. The obviousness took like a full minute to set in so Tsuruya can soak up the data, weight, feel it, tough it... taste it. An entire second story made of smoked cheese.
She was stiff as a statue, all while some haunting conspicuous acapella music was sung, with the moaning of rising and lowering voices.
Tsuruya's statue-like trance beffudled Kyouko. She doesn't know whether to laugh or have the green-haired cheese eater sent to the happy farm. As she was about to wave her hand in front of her to see if she's still there...
Tsuruya spoke. "It's upstairs..." Some drool slipped out of her gaping mouth... then...
"Smoked cheese!" She cried and zoomed upstairs in a cloud of dusts. Kyouko, being the mischievous little trollop that she is, texted a message to Kuyou.
While Kuyou was searching under the bed in Lecter's bedroom, something inside her body chimed. She regurgitated her cellphone and saw a message from Kyouko. It asked her to go outside and meet at the yard of the Bates Inn. She replied to comply, swallowed the cellphone again and jumped out the window.
"Kuyou," called out Taniguchi, "where are you?" He checked the bedroom to see no one in there. "Huh? Where could that freak be?" he said in bewilderment.
The trio upstairs where now inside the bathroom. Itsuki was photographing the scene, Kyon dusting for prints and Itsuki doing some DNA analysis in some blood stain. "It seemed that that Bates was attacked while trying to attack his victim..." Itsuki theorized when a sudden rumbling sound shake them out of their wits. They quickly rushed outside to see Tsuruya ripping out the walls and shoving them into her mouth, crunching them as fast as her teeth and jaw muscles can work them, which is VERY FAST.
"SMOCHI!" She growled. "I WANT MY SMOCHI!" The fact that she was ranting with a full mouth made it all the more horrible.
"Tsuruya, stop!" screamed a horrified Itsuki. "You're destroying the evidence!" Tsuruya ignored him as she clawed through furniture and rip everything apart with her bare hands with strength which could only be described as monstrous, already she was foaming at the mouth and her eyes were bloodshot, chips of wood flying out of said mouth as she stuffed all sorts of things in it.
"Shit! Duck!" Kyon shouted as he and Yuki doved down the floor to dodge a flying chair. Yuki pulled out a tazer and fired at Tsuruya - at the butt.
That sent a paralyzing shock through her body. She fell down on the face, with her ass pointed upward. Yuki and Kyon raced to restrain the cheese eater as the shock won't last for long.
After some struggling and grappling, they finally tied her up securely and dragged her down back downstairs. Itsuki could only stare at the mess Tsuruya created ten seconds earlier in surprise. What the hell happened to her? he thought. It suddenly dawned to him about the lore of this village. Oyashiro-sama... why am I thinking of him right now...?
Itsuki's codec blared into his ears. "Hello-hello, London calling, London calling..." The esper nearly flipped his pants when he received.
"Kyon, Yuki, come over here," Itsuki called out.
"What now," the cynic complained. "We''ve just finished tying up Tsuruya."
"I've got a message from HQ," Itsuki replied, "it could be important." Normally, Itsuki should not compromise normal security measures by bringing in someone to listen to a message, but since he trusted Kyon and Yuki, it's okay. He took the phone out of his ear and put on speaker.
The codec repeated again, "Hello-hello, London calling, London calling..."
"Allo allo, this Itsuki, come in, London, over," he replied. London was the code word for the Agency headquarters, used when Itsuki was not speaking to either Gendo or Shepherd directly.
"Hello-hello, London calling, London calling." Up in the trees, Kyouko stopped transmitting and turned to Kuyou, perched up with a large radio set. She said proudly to the knockoff alien, "I have them. I can now jam the Agency's transmitter and broadcast myself."
From the speakers, Itsuki replied, "This is Itsuki, come in, London."
"Hello Itsuki," she replied, "we wish to give you a field promotion."
Both looked at each other with surprise, speechless. Itsuki was getting a promotion. "Wow? That was good news," Kyon commented.
Itsuki was visibly confused. "What?"
"I said we wish to give you a field promotion, you idiot," Kyouko snapped back. She then added, "By the way, we also request all the names of Agency operatives and assets operating in Mexico." That caused her and Kuyou to snicker.
Itsuki said, "I'm sorry, I don't have the names of all Agency operatives in Mexico plotting to overthrow the current government."
"Where is your operative Arakawa?" the codec dispatcher, obviously Kuyou, asked.
"In this village," Itsuki replied.
"Where in this village?"
"We don't know yet," Yuki deadpanned. Horrified by Yuki blurted such sensitive information in the air, Itsuki snatched back the codec away from Yuki. She then said, "The dispatcher is asking a lot of questions."
Kyon said, "Give it to me," and took the codec from Itsuki's hands. He then spoke, "Are you sure you are in London?"
"Of course," Kyouko said reassuringly, thinking they meant the real London. "I am in Piccadilly Circus." She turned to Kuyou. "Kuyou, the effects."
Kuyou obliged by synthesizing her voice. Although her voice was as charming as a gas horn, her main advantage lies synthesizing any sound on earth. She changed her voice to flocks of pigeons flying around, and cooing, "Prrruuu, prrruuu..." Then she changed her voice to that of a sports commentator with John Cleese's voice, "Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the I27th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off' in a moment so let me just identify for you..." Then she changed to the theme of Mr. Bean, choir and bells.
Seeing that the charade was enough, she said to Kuyou, "Okay, Kuyou, that's enough, you're overdoing it." Kuyou was too engrossed in the choir song to listen to her partner in crime. Pissed, she snapped, "Knock it off, you dumbass alien!" and knocked her with her fist.
Bad move. Kuyou was thrown back and nearly falling off, flapping her arms to keep balance, but the her heavy hair was tipping her over the branches. She called out in fear in a voice that horrified the world, "_Kyouko_! I'm_falling_off_the_tree_!" She then let out scream of an electrified foghorn. And she dropped to the ground with a loud thud.
Itsuki was shocked to know that he was talking to Kyouko and Kuyou the whole time! "Kyouko! It's Kyouko, she had us had! Quick we've got to get out of here!" They frantically packed up all the evidence they gathered and high-tailed off. Along the way, they almost forget an increasingly crazed Tsuruya, who rushed back and dragged her with the chair.
At the Lecter house the second group made unexpectedly big progress. While the others were busy searching the house, Fujiwara was gonna help himself some good brandy from the liquor cabinet, who brought it to Lecter's study. He then fished out a glass and poured some of the brandy elegantly. He then sat down and made believe that he was the master of the house. "Drinking brandy like a sir," he said in exaggerated upper-crust tone. He then sat back and was about to sip his glass when...
"What the hell-" His seat reclined all the way to the bottom and the bookshelves suddenly split up outward with a loud groaning noise. He quickly got off and gawked at the massive maw hidden by the bookshelves. "This is some crazy shit..." he muttered in disbelief. He then called the others, "Hey guys, I found something!"
Everyone rushed over to the room. "What is it, Fujiwara?" Sasaki asked.
Fujiwara pointed to the hidden passage revealed by the bookshelves. Haruhi gaze out a wide grin of satisfaction. "Hey, you're not such an asshole after all. I shall promote you to bleachhead wanker. You take point."
Fujiwara stood still for a while, clearly Haruhi seems to be taking a liking of making him miserable. Before he joined in, he poured himself a glass and drank it straight. He began his descent to the unknown.
Taniguchi as he followed in the spiral steps with the others, he spotted a book before his feet. Upon picking it up, he was astounded to see what it was. It was Kama Sutra! "Wow, looks like my luck's holding up." He confidently pocketed the book and went inside the hidden chamber.
"This is a real mystery trope!" Haruhi said giddily.
"What kind of guy is this Hannibal Lecter?" Sasaki deadpanned. "Some horror/mystery movie aficiando? Looking at this place reminds me how cliched this trip is?"
"Elementary, my dear Sasaki," Haruhi invoked Sherlock Holmes. "On the count that your idea of fun is boring and your own circle of friends are a bunch of losers."
Sasaku blurted, "And you are a sugar-hyped three year-old with cerebral palsy who drinks Kool-Aid mixed with cocaine."
Haruhi was stung by Sasaki's cutting remark. "What the hell did you just called me?" She lunged at the other goddess and before you know it, it was a full-blown catfight.
"You bitch!"
"Screw you, Haruhi!"
Seeing an opportunity, decided to step in. "Now-now, ladies," he said in a smokey voice. "We still have a case to-"
A stray foot caught Taniguchi in the groin. He knelt down on the floor but that wasn't a good idea, which meant he slipped downward and his forward momentum sent him into the girls, all three tumbling down.
Fujiwara was wondering what all the racket was about when he was hit hard by a mass of humanity. Now all four crashed into an unknown room. Haruhi moaned after the struggle with Sasaki.
Rubbing her head, she found herself in a dimly-lit room. She looked around to see a heap made out of Taniguchi, Sasaki, Fujiwara and Taniguchi - whose face happened to be lying down on the other goddess' butt.
As soon as her eyes got used to the dim light, they bulged in wonder like she was in a candy shop.
"Jackpot!" she cried and jumped with joy.
Her comrades where still nursing bruised limbs and aching heads when they finally saw the room. Their faces were full of awe as they surveyed the place.
It was a fusion of kitchen, laboratory, wine cellar, and morgue. It had tile walls and alongside the modern kitchen appliances were hideous-looking devices who's function they could only guest at. Among of them was a dentist's chair with tools that look like perversions of a surgeon's tools. Another was a large refrigerator with a combination lock.
"Where the hell are we?" Sasaki asked, suddenly feeling a chill in her bones.
"I don't know..." Taniguchi said. "But why does it feel like it's Silent Hill?"
"More like Bioshock," Fujiwara commented.
Haruh excitedly ran around the the room like it's playground while the rest of her friends looked over there shoulders to see that nothings watching them from the shadows. Taniguchi picked up a scrap of paper. It was a recipe for a dish.
"Hmmm..." the playboy hummed. "'Liver with fava beans.'" He examined the paper further "'... to obtain liver... kidnap one healthy twenty-one year-old male...'" He paled as he read on. Sweating, he crumpled the paper and whistled a cheery tune, trying to mask his fear.
"Hey guys, help me open this up," Haruhi called out as she tried to pry open the refrigerator with a crowbar.
"Umm... Haruhi," Sasaki reminded her. "I think you need to unlock it to open it."
Haruhi was dumbfounded, considering she was too excited to notice the lock. "Really?"
"Yeah, you need to turn the combination knob to open it," Sasaki pointed out.
"Oh," she said. Then an idea came out. "I know! Let's get Yuki." She threw the crowbar away and marched back to the staircase.
"Hey Haruhi," Sasaki taunted as she followed. "Kuyou can do a better job than your Yuki..."
That left the two boys. Taniguchi and Fujiwara looked at each other for a while. Then the playboy said to the bastard, "Hell no, not here, don't even think about it." He hurriedly caught up with Haruhi.
Fujiwara was puzzled. "What? I was just gonna offer you some brandy."
Crying old man, hidden chibi...
It has been a very sad for Old Man Kimiyoshi, which was an understatement. He was now practically crying over the corpse of Lance Bass; he dressed in drag as fullest expression of his sorrow. He was dressed in a black mourning dress, complete with a black hat and veil. Spread in front of him on his dinner table was the remains of the gayfish Lance Bass, who he had been chopped, breaded, and fried with smoked cheese flavor. The fish stick remains were flanked with candles and in front of the old man were framed photos of him and the fish, recalling the good times they had together. But the centerpiece of it all was the part that he not dare cook...
The head.
He sniffled, "I'm sorry, Lance! It was all my fault! I should have protected you! Huh-huh-huh!" He broke into a rain of tears while alternately eating pieces of fish sticks. And why was he mourning the death of his fish friend and at the same time, butcher his body further, cook it into fish sticks? Because with a hunky body like Lance Bass, why put it all to waste? Yumm, yumm.
"Why must the beautiful thing in the world be taken away from me?" he wailed, as his tears slid down his face and salted the fish sticks. It wasn't just fair...
As he sorrowfully ate another bite of fish stick. As he recalled of the events last night that led to Lance's demise. First where the chibis and their varmints breaking in to stole his precious golden hoard of smoked cheese. Then something hit him as he looked back at the photos.
"I'm gonna kill those varmints!" he bellowed angrily. He sat up and thought of something. "They must pay... for killing the most precious thing in the world..."
Then he let out a diabolic laugh.
Thunder and lightning boomed outside his window as he thought of his plans to avenge his beloved scaly lover.
Then he took another stick...
AND ATE IT!
He then ran outside to his tool shed but tripped thanks to his high-heels.
At the school...
With the exception of Kunikida and the LS girls, they all meet together at the road leading to the school. So far, everything was disappointing. "We do have some evidence pointing to Bates and Lecter engaging in unsavory pursuits," Itsuki explained, "but we still have nothing that pins them to Frank, or some of the murders, or even anything linking them to Sonozaki family."
Haruhi suddenly turned dark. "We're gonna get some more answers," Haruhi said slowly. "At the school."
Taniguchi gulped. "Isn't it where we had our asses handed down by those kids?"
Sasaki giggled. "Isn't it where Kyon went mad and started hosing everybody?"
Haruhi snapped at her counterpart, "Just be quiet or I'll break you in half." Sasaki winced. For once she found Haruhi terrifying.
"Haruhi," Yuki Nagato said. "You will jeopardize this investigation by your confrontational manner of dealing with the locals. Already you have manage to induce a low level of hostility from the villagers."
"Yuki's right," Itsuki joined in, "we can't expect any sort of cooperation from the villagers if we continue to rattle the saber. We need to be more diplomatic in dealing with them."
"I don't want diplomacy..." Haruhi said in a low voice. "I'm gonna get Mikuru back from those savages." She then stomped towards the school. Everyone else just followed lest something bad happens.
Then Itsuki realized one thing. Suddenly I realized... two of us are missing. Kyouko and Kuyou. What are they up to now?
Inside, it was just another day at school for the children at the village. Everyone was having the lesson of the day, biology. Chie was discussing about how plants reproduce. Rena asked Mikuru if she liked their town.
"Yes, I do, Rena," Mikuru, dressed as the same uniform as Rena, cheerily replied. "This place is beautiful. All those rumors do no justice to this place."
"That's why Rena loves this place so much," Rena chimed. "And I wish that should be together forever."
"How do you like our hospitality?" Mion proudly asked.
"Better than the SOS Brigade clubroom," Mikuru answered happily. "No more bunny costumes, no tea-making apparatus, and best of all, no more jerkass tsundere genki bitches."
"You can thank Shion for that," Mion explained. "Our town never has any tsunderes. Just yanderes, lolies, perverts, and yangires."
"What?"
"Never mind that, Mikuru," Keiichi joined, hungrily looking at Mikuru. "So it seems that I just happen to be vacant today? Will you join me for a cup of afternoon tea?"
"No, I don't think so," the moe politely refused.
"Hey, I got an idea," Satoshi chimed, "maybe we should have another punishment game with Keiichi. This time, with a bunny suit."
"What?" Keiichi exclaimed in horror. "No!" He still remembered what's it like to loose in a punishment game. They made him dress up in the most outlandish outfights to humiliate when he looses. Once they made dress up like Barbara Streisand. And everyone in the village confused him with the popular 70's icon; he even received a box of chocolates from Old Man Kimiyoshi at his doorstep. That sent him shudders down his spine.
Everyone else chuckled deviously, clearly having fun with the thought of Keiichi dressed like a Playboy Bunny. He felt his day can't get any worse since the tourists and SOS Brigade had arrived.
"Hey," Rika suggested, "how about both Keiichi-kun and Satoshi-kun wear bunny outfits? It'll be a lot of fun." That earned a lot of lecherous laughter from the girls in the room, Chie included as she stop her lesson to pevertly fantasize a bunny suit-wearing Satoshi.
Satoshi's face went pale with horror as he imagined not how pretty he would look like in it but what happens if Shion sees him in that get-up, especially with Keiichi.
Rika comforted him, "Don't worry, Satoshi. If Shion sees you with Keiichi in bunny suits, Keiichi will end up getting ventilated by her."
Just as they were they were enjoying themselves, there were several loud knocks on the door.
Chie called out, "Come in."
The door was slammed inward. In a dramatic fashion from a Western, the vistors entered. First to come in was Haruhi Suzumiya, Fuhrer of the SOS Brigade, then came her yes man, Itsuki, followed by Yuki, the Rei Ayanami knockoff with a penchant for H-games, and then Kyon, the normal dude, who has been anything but normal lately. Then came the Anti-SOS Brigade, who were now down to two. And then came Tsuruya, her so-called best friend, and the pervert Taniguchi.
Mikuru was frightened to see her former slave-master to come in but Rena gripped her hand tightly to give the moe strength while she stared hard at her.
Chie was genuinely astounded to see a group of high-school students from the city. "Good morning, may I help you?" she said politely.
Haruhi was gonna make a bombastic announcement if it wasn't for Itsuki who pulled her out of the way. Haruhi whispered harshly to him, "What the hell are you doing? You're spoiling my moment."
"I think I should handle this lest we get into another sticky situation," Itsuki explained.
"Yeah?" She was skeptical. "Like how you couldn't convince them that I didn't abuse Mikuru?"
While the two were busy whispering to each other, Mion whispered to the others, "There's that Haruhi again and she's still pursuing this Frank Cotton nonsense. If anyone asks you any questions at all, we didn't know anyone named Frank Cotton and we definitely did not see anyone fitting his description on the night of the festival." They all nodded.
After much deliberation, Itsuki called, "Everyone, could I have your attention, please?" Haruhi fumed in the background as she watched Rena gave her a friendly and winked. She then whispered something to Mikuru and the two redheads chuckled. Haruhi's eyes twitched at that.
"For those of you who did not know, we are the SOS Brigade, minus the brunette, the blond, green-haired lady and the sleazy conman." The aforementioned flustered at the mention. He continued, "We have come here from North High to investigate the disappearance of a tourist." That left murmurs all around the classroom. "I believe that we have met your Games Club." At that mention the eyes of the other pupils turned to members of the Games Club, heightening the home team's embarrassment.
He then produced a photograph. "I have a photograph here-"
"Excuse me-"
"-which I would like you to pass around amongst yourselves." He gave the photo to the nearest student. "Meanwhile, I'll write his name over there on the blackboard."
Itsuki walked to the blackboard and wrote FRANK COTTON.
Itsuki then asked, "Now, do any of you recognize either the name or the photograph?" The silence was tense, the Games Club nervously eyes each other as well as their interrogators, except for Rena, who was making odd yuri gestures with Mikuru that unnerved Itsuki when in fact they were directed at Haruhi, who was practically seething in rage. Since no one would volunteer an answer, Itsuki asked again, "Anybody?"
Satoko said, "No."
"There's your answer, Mr. Koizumi," Chie said. "If he existed, we would know."
Itsuki eyed the teacher suspiciously. He then asked, "Anyone else?"
Rika said cryptically, "You'll simply never understand the true nature of sacrifice. "
Satoshi, so tense, said, "We didn't know anyone named Frank Cotton and we definitely did not see anyone fitting his description on the night of the festival."
"What?" Itsuki asked, surprised.
Mion scolded Satoshi, "Do you want your guts ripped out, Satoshi, or buried alive?"
Haruhi, finally fed up with chafing with all the action going on, with Rena and Mikuru's vaguely insulting yuri antics, and with Itsuki going to blow it all the way, she blurted, "This is going nowhere!" She then shouted, "We are the SOS Brigade and we are here to solve the disappearance and possible murder of Frank Cotton!" The SOS Brigade member' faces broke into collective shock. She then demanded to Chie, " I'd like to see the register of tourists, please."
"I'm afraid you'll have to ask permission of the Sonozaki Family," Chie explained to Haruhi. Haruhi then saw at the back to see the Games Club making faces at her. The tsundere's composure was strained almost to the breaking point.
Koizumi then asked Keiichi, "Do you mind answering a couple of questions?"
The magician of words replied cheerily, "Not at all. We didn't know any know a Frank Cotton and we definitely did not see anyone fitting his description on the night of the festival."
Mion's mouth gaped wide open and stared at Keiichi and Haruhi had to suppress a snicker as she smiled evilly. Then Keiichi relented, "No! It was someone else. It was Biggus Dickus." The classroom broke into laughter. The laughter turned into something sinister in Itsuki's ears. They were making a mockery of their investigation and it turned into a vision of them laughing as they tortured Arakawa in a dark, torch-lit chamber. Their faces hideously contorted by the dancing flames as his screams mixed with their laughter.
The class stopped laughing and quickly put on their happy faces. Itsuki said shakily, "You're liars. You are despicable little liars!" The class simply smiled with innocent clueless eyes. And then he turned an fiery glare at Rika and said in a low growl, "And you are the biggest liar of all."
Rika, dumbfounded, simply replied, "Nipah~."
Chie asked politely, "Can I do anything for you, Mr. Koizumi?"
Itsuki replied, "I doubt it, seeing you're all raving mad." He then ranted all, "I'm stuck in heathen wilderness of pain, all you children are... insane... All you children are insane!" He began to scream like a mad man, frightening Haruhi as she saw the esper break down.
While he hollered around, much to the embarrassment of the expanded SOS Brigade and the delight of the class, Chie ordered, "Mion, your stun gun, please." Mion tossed the gun to Chie's hands. Then she turned it on and jabbed it into his groin.
Itsuki erupted into sparks and lit up like a Christmas tree, letting out a loud inhuman screech. By the time it was over, Itsuki was stiff as a candycane, frozen in his expression of electrified torment, his hair up in spikes and he looked like he was covered in soot.
After a few minutes of shock and awkwardness, Haruhi finally chuckled with embarrassment, "Um, excuse me, we should get going." The SOS Brigade filed out of the room, with Haruhi dragging a petrified, smoking Itsuki by the ankle, his body loudly scraping the floor.
As soon as the last of the invaders walking out of the classroom closed the door, the entire classroom erupted into uproarious cheering. Everyone celebrated the eviction of Haruhi and friends. Mikuru hugged Rena tightly. "Thanks for humiliating Suzumiya, Rena."
More lambs to the slaughter...
Rena blushed cutely. "Rena will do anything for Mikuru to stay with us forever and ever."
Satoko and Satoshi's prick uncle Teppei was walking along, thinking how best to settle a score with the two brats. "I'm gonna *bleep* em up so bad that they'll *bleep*-ing bricks for a week. I'll teach that little c*bleep* for weaseling me out and that *bleep* brother of hers I'll-"
"What's the matter, pal?" Said a man with close-cropped hair, wearing a Boy Scout uniform.
"Who the *bleep* are you?" Teppei said. "Some kind of f*bleep*t?"
"I ain't know faggot," retorted the over-sized Boy Scout. "I'm Mr. Grazier."
"What the hell is that get-up of yours?" Teppei demanded "Isn't Halloween a little too far away?"
"I got no quarrel with you, boy," Grazier blurted back. "I used to be the scout master of South Park's Troop 69. That was until some boys there busted me for pedophilia and sent up river. I'm now released on good behavior."
Teppei realized this guy isn't any different than he is except that he's a donut puncher with little kids. He asked him, "What brings you here?"
"I heard that the entire town went on a tour to this gook village called Hinam-whatever-the-fuck-they-pronounced-it."
"Hey, that's where I'm going," Teppei said astounded. "I'm gonna settle a score with my *bleep*-ing niece and nephew."
"Hey, look's like we could help each other out," Mr. Grazier said. "I'm also known as Mr. Slippyfist."
The two shook hands. "Glad to meet you, Mr. Slippyfist."
Then a woman came alongside them. "Excuse me, sirs. I couldn't help but eavesdrop on your conversation."
"Who the hell are you?" they angrily demanded in unison.
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman in a syrupy sweet voice. "I failed to introduce myself. I'm Julia Cotton. I just happened to be here in a trip and I think I could help."
"How?" Mr. Grazier asked in puzzlement.
"I know a place. Just follow me," she replied. The two abusive guys looked at each other, puzzled, before following Julia's lead. They eventually came to an old storehouse in a remote part of town.
"What the hell is this place?" Mr. Grazier asked.
Teppei explained. "This is the Furude Saiguden. Supposedly off-limits to everyone but Furude family. Anyone who does would be cursed, what bull*bleep*."
She opened the door and led them in. They're now inside the shed that contained all sorts of instruments of torture used by the village for centuries. It was dark, dusty and smelled musty... and bloody.
"I'm sorry if I couldn't set this place up for a more formal invitation," Julia apologized. "But I'm sure that this venue would suit our purposes."
"Anything to get on with it," Teppei growled rudely.
Pissed that this fat, old bull would shout at her like some Mexican, Julia kept calm. She also held out some glasses and a bottle of wine. "I hope you two are thirsty. I've got some chilled chardonnay."
She poured two glasses and they graciously accepted them. "I'll have to go and see if anyone's around," she said and went out.
"Hey," Teppei said. "She's not bad." They both drunk their glasses and they realized something's really wrong.
"What the hell..." Teppei said "Why the hell do I feel a little... slow."
Mr. Grazier's reaction was different. As Teppei wandered around the storehouse, Mr. Grazier slowly approached him from behind... cautiously... his hand formed up into a fist...
And...
The storehouse echoed with harsh screaming, prompting Julia to cock her had back to it. She then ran back and opened the door and to her satisfaction, she saw Teppei, pants down, pinned to the floor by Mr. Grazier, who was brutally sodomizing him with arm.
As Mr. Slippyfist was making Teppei scream like a prison bitch, Julia stealthily approached them with a sledgehammer.
BOOM! BRACK! PSHWEK!
After a few intense seconds of bone-crushing, blood-spurting violence, the gorey bodies of the two grown men lay in shambles, mangled beyond recognition.
Satisfied with her bloody work, she smiled. And the shadowy figure of Frank Cotton emerged from the brick-brack.
"Thank you, love," Frank said creepily as he bent over to feed. But it was still far from over. Julia needed to find another group of souls to dupe. When he was finished he said, "Better. Much better. I'd like some clothes. And maybe a cigarette."
"How about a kiss first?" Julia cooed.
"With pleasure," Frank said. Julia the MILF, kissed the walking, bloody skinned corpse of Frank Cotton, now in fuller, richer color on his way to regain his human appearance.
A/N: This the thirteenth chapter of Kyon! Do Everything! Sorry for the French jokes. For some who don't know, here are the references. The part where Kyouko screws Itsuko over the radio is a reference to Camp Dance, an episode in the BBC WW2 sitcom Allo Allo. In there, the Gestapo attempts to jam a resistance radio turns hilariously wrong. To understand, watch the YouTube vid Herr Flick Jams the Radio. The original Wicker Man reigns once again in the classroom sequence, especially when our heroes try to get the class to tell the truth about Frank Cotton the same way the policeman hero did. Also, the part where Keiichi and Satoshi accidentally and literally repeat Mion's instructions is taken from Corporal Punishment of Blackadder Goes Forth, a fourth season in BBC sitcom Blackadder, starring Rowan Atkinson. To understand this one watch Blackadder Goes Forth - Shooting Speckled Jim. Teppei is a Higurashi character while Mr. Grazier aka Slippyfist is from Cripple Fight. The part where Itsuki's calls the Higurashi kids insane is a reference to the lyrics of The End by The Doors, which was played in the introduction of Apocalypse Now.