The Landlady's Manor

Author's note: You know, what? I think I'm tired of repeating and putting out references in my story. It's getting tiring. So is for you, guys, I truly apologize. It's amazing that I've put this out in a matter of weeks. I've been on a roll for some time now, so I give you my latest chapter, The Landlady's Manor. As for references, only new ones will appear, so you'll have find the previous ones on your own, guys. And my apologies to readers from Wales. Please don't hurt me over using a common joke about you.

Waking Bad...

The incident at the schoolhouse was forgotten, the least of all by Keiichi and Mion. A series of fast footfalls echoed loudly inside the mansion as they rushed up the hallowed halls to the bedroom of the head of the Sonozaki family, Oryo Sonozaki, also known as Onibaba.

"We need to wake Onibaba up," Shion said hurriedly.

"I am," Keiichi huffed, "but why do we have to wake her up?"

"What are you whining about?" she snapped back, "she's still the head of the family and this village. And she has the tourist registry."

Keiichi stopped, which prompt her to do the same. "Why would you have a tourist registry?" he asked.

"We don't just invite people here to our village," she explained. "You know how commercialized tourism damaged local cultures."

"If I recall correctly," Keiichi replied, "Curtis LeMay's Superfortresses did more damage to our culture than tourist dumping trash everywhere."

Mion put her hands in her hips in skepticism. "And why is that?"

He gave his answer, "We were cut off at the balls."

Mion rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation. "I, Shion, Rena, Satoko and Rika would be down on our knees for you, Satoshi, and every man in this little village if that stayed."

"Oh, goodie!" he jumped with joy.

"Shut up, you randy little sod, and help me wake up Onibaba before the SOB Brigade arrives." They moved on past surprised servants preparing lunch.

They were halfway there when Rika and Satoko came in through the kitchen. "Hey, guys," Rika called out, "the Brigade's coming this way."

"What?" the magician of words exclaimed. "At this time?"

"Apparently yes," Rika replied. "This Haruhi Suzumiya seems bent on ripping us a new one over Frank Cotton."

"Oh, brother," he muttered. "We were developing some pretty poor PR back there."

She snorted. She said sarcastically, mimicking his voice, "If I recall, we didn't know a Frank Cotton and we didn't see him on the night of the festival."

"Hey, that was Satoshi's fault," he whined.

"You were pretty confident corroborating his statement," Mion replied in an acid tone. She turned to Satoko, "Satoko, I need you to keep their minds off us for a while. Keep them amused."

"How can I?" Satoko asked. "Look at my leek which you gave me for a magical girl baton." She held up a saggy leek.

Seeing this, Mion turned to Rika. "Rika, can't you entertain them?"

"How can I when mine isn't even good enough for soup?" Rika replied, holding her even more saggy vegetable.

"Surely you can think of something," she said frantically.

"I have it." She looked to the kitchen. "Give me a large glass of your strongest brandy."

"Of course," Mion agreed. "At once." Mion rushed to the kitchen. Then she came back with a big glass and a bottle of French brandy. "Here." She handed Rika the glass and poured brandy. Before she can even screw the cap back, Rika drank the glass straight up, earning surprised looks from everyone. She then took a large bouquet of flowers from a vase.

"You have ten minutes," Rika said, shaking her bunch, making a lot of leaves and petals fall. "Make it five."

"Oh shit," Mion cried worriedly. "Quickly, we need to wake up Onibaba and get the tourist registry." Both Mion and Keiichi rushed onward.

They got to the bedroom of Onibaba. Inside they saw her lying on her huge master bed, snug in a blanket. She seem to smile very happily in her tranquil dreamland.

"Aw, she's sleeping," Mion cooed. "Onibaba sleeps like a little angel."

Keiichi's of another opinion. He deadpanned, "She looks more like a dead moth."

Ignoring that comment, she replied, "Let's wake her up very gently." She approached the old lady, who was feared throughout their neck of the woods. "Grandma... Oh grandma..."

But he produced a party horn and blew loudly a few obnoxious notes, startling the mint-haired girl. "Wake up, you old bat!"

Oryo rose up like a drawbridge, started up with a scream. She looked around alarmed, absolutely frightened, "What is happening? Are the Russians here?"

"No, they're up in Colorado with the Wolverines," Keiichi answered.

"Shut up, Keiichi. How could you be so callous?" Mion quipped. Then she turned to her grandmother. "It's alright, Onibaba. Take no notice of him."

He added in a sarcastically sympathetic voice, "Yes, pay no attention to the nasty little boy."

Onibaba heard that. "Is he your boyfriend, Mion? He has no finesse!" Her finesse sounded like it had a p instead of an f.

Mion blushed at that. Keiichi blushed harder. He blurted, "Shut up, you old bat. I have one."

"No one cares, Keiichi," Mion said in a mocking tone. She turned back to her grandmother again. "I'm sorry that we need to wake you up. But we need something from you."

Onibaba did not seem to comprehend. "What?"

Mion sighed and went on, "Well, we need to see the tourist registry."

That got Onibaba's attention. "Huh? Is it about the missing construction workers? I"ll never tell them! I'll fight them to my dying breath. I shall not yield to the torture of the Bolsheviks. Tenno Heika Banzai!" She raised a rusty katana in a defiant manner.

Keiichi squealed and recoiled behind the green-haired girl.

Mion facepalmed at that. "No, grandma. They're a school club that's interested in the mysteries of the village."

"Why would they be?" she asked suspiciously. "They must be here for me!"

"They will not touch you, grandma," Mion comforted.

"That is what those Russians tell me in Manchuria, 1945," Oryo retorted grumpily, recalling the Red Army advancing towards her in more ways than one.

"We don't have time for this," Keiichi whined. "Ask her where the list is."

At that Mion then pursued the heart of the matter. She cleared her throat. "Ah, Onibaba. We need to know where the tourist registry is. Do you know where it is?""

At first, she didn't know what her granddaughter meant, then it lit up in her head like lightbulb. "Oh, the registry. I burned it."

"You what!?" Mion shrieked in horror. She looked into Keiichi's equally-surprised face.

"Yes, I did," she answered with a smile, "I don't think we need it anymore."

"B-but-t," the salad-haired girl stuttered, "we keep that registry for a reason!"

"And what's that?" Onibaba asked grumpily.

Mion explained rapidly, "So that the authorities would know that no one was missing in Hinamizawa on any particular time."

"That's their problem," was the old lady's reply. This caused them to panic and scamper around the room, muttering aloud, thinking of a solution to their problem at hand. This caused Oryo a great amount of amusement.

"Sorry, it's under my bed," Oryo finally replied, making Shion and Keiichi stop and stumble onto each other.

"But why!" the two collectively shouted.

" I do love it when you're. Sometimes I think about having you flustered and shaken, just to see the expression on your faces!"

The two grinned uneasily. "Oh." Then they both stand up and approached the stands of her bed. "One... two... three!" They lifted up the lower stands of her bed, causing Oryo to snap angrily in protest.

"Quick, Keiichi, get the registry," Mion ordered. Keiichi swooped in under, and a few seconds later, swooped out, just in time for her to drop the bed with a thud.

This stirred a figure previously hidden under the blankets, who rose next to Oryo: Mamoru Akasaka with a bandage to his head.

Mion's eyes widened at seeing the plainclothes detective sleeping next to her grandmother. "What in God's name are you doing in the bed of my grandma?"

Mamoru groaned as his head ached. Then he answered, "I was coming home from the bar after I took a drink one too many. I don't know... it was a haze..." He scratched himself on the head to remember. "Ah, yes, I wandered into your house. Somehow I was hungry but I couldn't find the kitchen so I had to devise a cunning plan."

"And what's that?" Keiichi asked.

Then he gave a bleary-eye drunk smile. "I MacGuyver'd an apparatus that I wore on my head to hang a piece of cheese in front of my nose."

"What for?" Mion asked curiously.

"To catch mice, Mii-channn," he slurred. "I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in."

"Do they?"

"No. I ended up catching your grandma's foot. And she beat me up black and green." He smiled and canned laughter erupted from the background. "She didn't mind when I lay on her huge bonk."

They looked at Onibaba, then back at him incredulous. "Will there anything else?" Mion deadpanned.

Akasaka burped loudly, producing a foul stench that got everyone but himself waving their hands in front of their scrunched faces.

Mion commented dryly, "At least my grandma's virtue is intact - your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Akasaka, from all that drinking. How much did you drink and what did you drink for that matter?"

"I don't know..." he said. "Maybe the entire bar."

"Suits you right. And before I lose any of my marbles, I'm outta here." Mion gestured to K1. "Let's get going, Keiichi." She then left the room with the registry with Keiichi in tow.

The mansion...

Haruhi was knocking the gate's brass knocker vigorously, almost sounding like a bunch of Spanish inquisitors were coming to visit the home of a heretic for a burning fun time and games.

"Haruhi, do you know anything called subtlety or patience?" Sasaki asked after Haruhi finished her Gestapo knock.

"I'm not gonna seat down and let opportunity slip through my grasp," Haruhi haughtily replied.

"Actually, Haruhi," Sasaki employed her wit. "There's plenty of opportunity if you keep this up."

She smiled with closed eyes. "Exactly."

"If what you say is true, plenty of opportunity of getting killed and everything in between."

Haruhi frowned at that. "Very funny, Sasaki. Hope you're first."

The rest of the Brigade was standing behind the two goddesses waiting for the huge gate to open. Kunikida moaned, "Man, I was expecting a cat fight."

"Well, better luck next time, Kuni-boy," Taniguchi said. "The next flashpoint for them would hopefully include a wet t-shirt contest."

Yuki rolled her eyes. The playboy only thinks about sex. She then whispered, "Panda."

Taniguchi suddenly felt shudders on his body and his eyes darted to and fro at the surroundings. The terror from that one night with the drunk panda made his knees quiver and his skin cold and clammy.

Noticing the change in demeanor, Kunikida asked, "Hey, Tani. What's wrong?"

Stunned, he whipped around and faced his with a nervous smile. "Oh, nothing's wrong. Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard's your uncle." The smile became the sunniest he ever saw.

"I think you're off your rocker right there," the prop boy finally replied.

"Absolutely top-hole not, sir," he quickly refuted happily, "with a ying and a yang and a yippetty-doo."

Kunikda sighed, realizing he's not gonna get his pal to admit what made him tense earlier. "Alright, whatever floats you're boat."

"Tally-hoo!" Taniguchi quipped as though in agreement. Beside them was Itsuki and he was recalling his last moments with Gendo, Shepherd and Yutaka before he left the meeting on that fateful night.

Flashback...

"Remember, Koizumi," Gendo said to Itsuki. "Arakawa is a high-priority individual on equal importance as Haruhi Suzumiya. But you must do your best not to let anyone else, or even Haruhi, know your mission's existence. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Itsuki answered professionally.

Gendo knew that look on the face on an individual being handed a top-priority mission. "Relax, Koizumi. You can call for back up whenever you need it. Just be sure to confirm Arakawa's status once call for back-up."

Giving him back up if only he was sure the butler's dead or alive? the esper thought. Sound's like a death sentence. He gulped.

Yutaka added for Gendo. "Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Gendo and I are behind you."

"About one hundred miles behind you," Shepherd quipped sardonically.

Gendo glared at him and the general smiled back. He then said to Itsuki, "Also, should Arakawa be compromised, you must be able to administer..." he paused for effect.

"You mean... the final solution?" Itsuki asked hesitantly.

Gendo facepalmed. He groaned, "Uh... whatever. Basically, just kill him if he said too much or gone off his rocker, alright?"

"Alright." The esper then finished dinner and pivoted to the door.

End of flashback...

Itsuki really felt a chill as he recalled many moments of his life leading up to this time. He stared blankly at the huge, mocking gates of the Sonozaki mansion. He looked up the sign above the gates that said, "Abandon hope, all ye enter." What horrors await them behind threshold? What sort madness would Haruhi unleash once they take the first step? Will Arakawa be alive, or even up fighting after days of captivity? Will he still have his Willard intact? The questions bear heavily on poor old Koizumi as he waited for the gates to open.

Next to him was Kyon, bobbing his head to Hendrix's "All Along the Watchtower" on his Ipod. The cynic, ironically, seemed to have a better time than anyone else. Ever since Kyon's rampaging attempt to kill him at the schoolhouse, Itsuki was beginning to wonder what sort of human being is Kyon. Something was not right with him ever since then but there had been hints of that during their journey to the village. Kyon sometimes muttered about things like Khe Sanh, numbers, or Hue City and his taste in music was different. He noted that Kyon would at moments of inactivity sit down and stare into space. The look in his eyes suggested the look of a thousand yards. But he dismissed them as just Kyon being Kyon, now he realized how horribly wrong he was. The cynic was an enigma taco. His jargon and occasionally were slowly but increasingly different. Something in Kyon beginning to surface and he wondered if he will still be alive to see it unravel.

A screech broke his train of thought and put him on alert. It has opened!

The wooden gate open inward and they set foot on the estate. They saw what it was from afar but up close it was much better than they expected. It was so... green... so classic... in its appearance.

"Oh yeah!" Haruhi exulted. "It's open." She then turned to everyone else. "Alright, SOS Brigade! Move your asses!"

Taniguchi picked up Tsuruya's legs and dragged her behind him like a rickshaw. Then two lolis accosted him, bearing bouquets. Smiling in the most moe manner, they presented him their bouquets. "Welcome to the Sonazaki Mansion," said Satoko.

Rika went in first, looking very plastered. "Hhhhere you are, ssssir," Rika slurred, thrusting at him her "bouquet" in one hand like a whiskey bottle. "I got you these. Unfortunately, they've had their heads shot oooofffff." She burped loudly.

Embarrassed, Satoko ignored Rika and presented with a bow her bouquet to him. "Whereas some say it with stalks, I say it with flowers." She then hastily dragged Rika away by the arm, leaving the playboy puzzled.

While everyone else was mesmerized at the house as they walked in, Kyon took on the sights and sweated nervously. His pupils dilated and he was seeing another different place.

The whir of rotor blades and the chirping of an alarm were hauntingly clear as the imagery of being inside a helicopter spiraling out of control. The crash landing into the river. A voice echoed in his head, "Dragovich's lapdog Kravchenko was there. He knew we were coming." And then another one, "We're going under, Mason!"

Then came a woman's voice counting, "21, 10, 16, 23, 4, 22, 21, 4, 0, 14 - *static* SCREECH!"

He was breathing heavily again, wrists shaking. His heart was beating faster.

"Isn't this wonderful, Kyon?" Haruhi's shrill voice brought Kyon back to reality. "This is very appropriate. We are in a mansion. The heart of this murderous conspiracy."

Sasaki smiled. "Yes, it's true. The twist being that's there's no conspiracy and you being carted off to the funny farm."

Haruhi turned to Sasaki with a smirk. "I'd like to see the look on your face when expose the whole gang behind all of this."

"Haruhi, I don't see any reason why you get worked up over this," her counterpart said. "I mean why interfere in the affairs of others far, far away from North High?"

"Because, Sasaki," Haruhi wagged her finger, "we will succeed where the law and the media had failed to uncover: the mystery of Frank Cotton, the rescue of Mikuru and the Hinamizwa murders."

Sasaki sighed at this. Once the Ultra-Director sets her sights into a weird or unusual endeavor, there's nothing in the world to dissuade her. She did give another try thought, "What happens if the culprits, if any, decide to take action against us?"

A sly smile formed on Haruhi's lips. "Don't worry, Sasaki. I've got it all planned." She looked at the rest of the Brigade taking in the sights. Then Haruhi skipped happily on.

Sasaki had this bad feeling. She was surprised and disheartened at how Haruhi intended to use her Brigade and her(Sasaki) friends to bait and then put some distance between herself with the possible perpetrators and how callous and cavalier Haruhi's treatment of people was. Especially, Kyon...

Kyon, the boy who had to put up with Haruhi's behavior for the sake of the universe. Kyon, that figure of stability in the raging storm of Haruhi's melancholy. Kyon, the stoic young man who clung to his senses, seeing the world for what it was rather than what it should be. Kyon, that dreamy-looking figure, so alone, bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders, giving him a wounded dignity of a Byronic hero... Kyon...

If only I could give to be groped in a subway train by him for an hour, she thought, and slip in a message telling him I understand between the squeezes of his passionate fingers...

"Hey, Sasaki," Fujiwara said. "Let's go. Everyone's inside."

That got her out of her revelry. "Oh, right, Fujiwara. Gotta go," she hastily replied and got to huffing her feet.

As soon as Sasaki entered the mansion proper, the smiling bastard muttered to himself, "Geez. What does that dick have that I don't?" He was still smarting from Kyon's beatdown at the schoolyard.

Yuki entered his mind and interjected, You have with he doesn't: you being a total ASDIC. Fujiwara's eyes widened in alarm and look around at the source of the strange voice. Seeing no Yuki around, he hurried inside.

Luncheon at Sonozaki's...

The inside was richly furnished, yet masterfully arranged and decorated so as not to look cluttered and out of place. The trappings of opulence speak of power, wealth and taste. It could have been a combined studio set for a period drama or a modern one, which is to say is very classical, timelessly Japanese.

Kunikida was taken aback by this. "Whoa! Guys, this place look it cost a fortune."

"Am I seeing things?" Taniguchi asked. "It's a gold mine."

Haruhi groaned at these two. "What difference does it make? We hang around at Tsuruya's house often and you guys get floored by this?" She raised her arms at the hall of the mansion in all it's entirety.

"Haruhi," Yuki interjected in her lifeless voice, "Tsuruya's home was arranged to reflect a contemporary, Western-influenced view of a luxury home. The Sonozaki mansion reflects a very traditional sense of wealth."

Haruhi scoffed. "What are they? The Last Samurai?"

An ear-splitting shriek startled Haruhi into jumping onto Yuki's arms and rest of the gang looked out the window overlooking a huge field to see hundreds of samurai preparing for battle against a group of British soldiers in colonial garb(red tunic, pith helmet, black pants and boots) as well as the rolled wool blankets on their packs...

... Scratch that, they're Welsh due to the leeks stuck to the front of their helmets and those rolled wool blankets were labeled PORTA SHEEPIE.

"Banzai!" Tom Cruise shouted heroically, waving his sword like a Taliban loon.

"Welshmen never yield!" cried Hatsune Miku, dressed in officer's garb and speaking in Micheal Kane's voice. She waved her armor-piercing leek to rally her men. "Teribus ye teri odin!"

The Welshmen, who were strangely armed with longbows and halberds topped with leeks rather than the Martini-Henry breechloaders they ought to be armed with, charged screaming to meet the equally-screaming samurai.

"Pantsu! Chikan!" one samurai yelled as he closed in with a Welshman.

"Defend the sheep! Llanfairpwllgwyngyll!" his opponent screamed hysterically as he raised his sidearm, a sharpened mango.

Looking out, it quickly turned into a bloody, manly battle of pointless carnage, kinda like Deadliest Warrior on acid. A few arrows, Welsh and Japanese, landed on the window sill.

"What... the... sheep..." Kunikida muttered.

A servant came towards and said, "Excuse me." They all turned towards her. "Are you the visitors?" Haruhi, realizing that she was being carried by Yuki, jumped off quickly and tidied up her clothes.

"Yes," Itsuki said diplomatically. "We seek an audience the head of the Sonozaki family."

"Ah, I see. The mistress is expecting you. Would you please come this way?" She gracefully led with one hand. And they all followed her in. But it left two people behind.

Taniguchi looked around and said, "Hey, guys, what about Tsuruya?" He pointed down to LOL-Fangtan on the floor, still out cold.

Yuki replied, "Oh yeah. I almost forgot." The alien bent over and used her fingertip-syringe on the fanged girl. Then fanged girl rose slowly.

"Owww...," she groaned. "My head... brain... hurts..." She massaged her forehead, which seemed to be on the verge of jumping off and running away.

"Good noon," Yuki greeted, then pivoting forth to join the rest, leaving a stunned Taniguchi to help Tsuruya stagger upward.

Inside was a large lounge and it acted as the de facto throne room of the real power of Hinamizawa: seated on one end of the tea table was an old woman. Unbeknownst to them were Keiichi and Mion hiding behind some potted plants in the corner, watching them closely as they try to sneak into the dining room.

"Good morning," she greeted.

Itsuki put on his best smile he could muster without looking like a pedophile. "Good morning to you as well. I'm afraid we weren't properly introduced."

"Ah, yes," the old lady said graciously. "It must be awkward of us. I am the head of the Sonozaki family, Sonozaki Oryo."

"My name is Itsuki Koizumi," he replied with savoir-vivre . "And we are pleased to be welcomed to your village."

Oryo studied Itsuki and his friends for a while. "Ah, city-folk. We don't get to meet a lot of them besides politicians, bureaucrats, businessmen, criminal underworld figures and generals. And you are teenagers."

"That's correct. We are from high schools in Nishinomiya," Itsuki answered.

"I knew. You all look a lot different from young people of the nearby towns." Then got to business, "What brings you here on this fine day? Our festival is due within a few days."

"With sincerest regret, Madame Sonozaki, the purpose of our trip was to do research on the incidents surrounding your village," Itsuki said with a hint of sadness. "We do apologize with our deepest sympathies. Everything we encountered in your village up to this point is contrary to how the media portrays you."

Oryo's brow frowned. "I see. So you have not come here for the festival."

"Actually, the festival is also part of our research and we are keenly interested to know its origins as well as its relationship to the incidents."

"Ah, we should discuss this over a fine meal. You're just in time for lunch. You and your friends are welcome to stay here." She stood up. "Now, I must adjourn to the kitchen to make sure the cook didn't add too much oregano." With that she left.

From the plants Mion whispered to Keiichi as Onibaba went to the dining room. "Thank God she didn't flip out. Normally she wouldn't be this for twelve seconds without her meds. And her meds lasted only twice as long."

"I'm quite surprised about that myself, Mion," Keiichi whispered. "She'd go batshit on them in a second."

The greenh-haired girl turned to Keiichi. "Keiichi, did you spike her meds?" She still remembered the last time he did was when the BBC came over to interview with them over the Frank Cotton incident. Keiichi spiked Oryo's tea with cannabis.

"Well, only this time," Keiichi defended himself, "it was an expedient measure, not a prank the last time."

"My lord, what did you put this time?" she hissed in horror.

"Uh, it was Prozac, Centrum, Viagra, and Ecstasy." He grinned uneasily.

Mion glared at him. Then she said, "Good job. It's working." Then they sneaked to the kitchen, leaving the Brigade to discuss among themselves.

At the dinning room, everyone seated together to have lunch. Haruhi noticed Mion and Keiichi sitting down with them nearest to Oryo. It's rather suspicious of them to be there when they ought to be at school.

"Delicious," piped Itsuki as he forked his chicken. "My compliments to the chef."

"I do agree," Sasaki spoke up. "This salad is mouthwatering-ly succulent." Next to her was Taniguchi, trying to feed Tsuruya.

"Okay, Tsuruya," chimed the playboy to the seemingly-despondent girl. "Here comes the train, choo-choo." He was motioning a spoonful of food like train to get the fanged girl to eat. Tsuruya looked uninterested. "Come on, Tsuruya," he begged. "It's not that hard."

Tsuruya's appearance of a wide-awake Father Jack from Father Ted. "Hrrrgggh," she gurgled back. And landed a vicious uppercut squarely to his jaw.

Ignoring the moaning playboy, Oryo said, "I see that you're enjoying yourselves. The food was made with freshest ingredients of the village."

"It's actually wonderful," Sasaki chimed in. Then she noticed an old Western-style painting of a mustachioed soldier looking over at a nun, her head covered with a wimple. "That's an interesting picture."

"It is. I got it from an auction in London." She sipped her tea. "It's title is The Nun and The Hun."

"Really?"

"That because it's about a noble Tommy, standing with a look of horror and disgust over the body of a murdered nun, that's been brutally done over by a nasty old German. Some say that the none was actually a man."

Haruhi realized that she was being sidelined by the entire conversation by her rival Sasaki and Itsuki. If they keep this up, they'll never get this old hag to spill some juicy info. Fortunately, she was patient enough to allow everyone around to sip the wine served with their food. In fact, she gave her glass of wine to Tsuruya, which caused her to floor the playboy. She cleared her thought to get everyone's attention. "Excuse me, ma'am. What can you tell us Hinamizawa and the Watanagashi Festival?"

Mion turned to the Brigade chief. "I thought we told it to you already."

"I don't recall," Haruhi replied.

Oryo then proceeded. "I see that you're quite interested to getting to the topic. Very well then." She then proceeded to tell an awesome tale of horror and mystery on the history of the village, the origin of the festival, and timeline and brief overview of the incidents surrounding Hinamizawa. Everyone was at the edge of their seats. Haruhi's eyes sparkled with wonder; Itsuki looked mildly disturbed; Mion and Keiichi were stealing uneasy glances at each other, as though Oryo was telling her about her days in Manchuria with the Russians in great detail and color quality; Taniguchi was still soothing his jaw; Tsuruya's face was still slightly dazed and crazed; Fujiwara, asshole extraordinaire, was shivering on his knees, and lastly, Kyon seemed rather distant, his face etched in fear as he seemed to recall something horrible about himself; Yuki, behind a blank face, hanged on to every word so she can analyze and archive it later. It describe Hinamizawa like it was a time warp from the dark ages, topped off with graphically horrible renditions of Japanese folklore creatures like oni.

And then there's the terrible ritual that involves the miko ripping people's intestines and dancing all the way so their sins would be forgiven. Then she proceeded to the modern day incidents, which sounded something between an urban legend and a detective story, with Frank Cotton being the latest.

"So that was how the legends came to life," Oryo said with finality.

With that no one answered. Then finally, the Alpha-Goddess stood up and clapped her hands wildly. "Bravo! Bravo!" she cheered.

"Haruhi, what the hell's gotten into you?" Kyon called her out. "You're treating a serious tale like you just won the World Cup."

"Have you no shame, Suzumiya?" Sasaki joined in, outraged. "We just ate in the house of a powerful family and Sonozaki Oryo made an effort to set the record straight by telling us this awful tale of darkness and you cheapen like the hustler you are."

Mion, knowing that a heated argument was about to developed, quickly intervened. She piped in cheerily, "Anyone for archery?" All except Tsuruya and Oryo turned heads.

"What?" Kunikida asked.

Keiichi stood up and said, "Come on, guys, it'll be fun." Everyone else sans Mion gave him odd looks. "What? You kids get fat on Lays and Pepsi while playing Call of Duty on your Xbox's. Why don't we try something that doesn't require an Xbox and move those lazy bones."

"Well, that would sound like a good idea," Haruhi replied, stroking her chin as if seriously considering the proposal when in fact she was looking for a witty comeback. "But..."

"I'm in!" Kyon raised his hand. The esper looked at him in horror, seeing the cynic's happy face like the one at the schoolyard.

"What?" Haruhi asked incredulously.

"That's right," Kyon continued. "I've never had anything remotely exciting as kicking Itsuki off the cliff in the balls. Anyone wanting to putt some arrows, raise your hands." Almost everyone did, albeit awkwardly.

"Well, looks like archery it is," Mion chimed. "Let's go to the backyard and set up the equipment. Follow me." She gestured everyone to come with her with Taniguchi leading Tsuruya by the hand like a little child. That left Oryo and Koizumi on the dinner table. Both of them were there face to face from across opposite ends of the table.

Koizumi didn't know what to do at first. Right there, Oryo looked quite fierce and serious, apparently displeased with Haruhi's behavior. Then he thought of moving in first. He sipped his wine slowly, wiped his mouth daintily. He cleared his throat. "Forgive me, Oryo. But that was Haruhi Suzumiya. She's our brigade leader."

"Brigade leader," Oryo asked. "Don't tell me she's the colonel of a NKVD regiment."

Huh? he thought. "Um, I think she leads our club, the SOS Brigade."

"Ah!" She recoiled immediately. "Stalin's own!"

"No, that's not that," he said patiently. He then explained about what the SOS Brigade was. A school club that seeks to explore the world and spread happiness all around. He pointed that only half the guests were SOS Brigade members, with one missing. The others where just people Haruhi dragged in just for the heck of it.

"So your not, Gulag prisoners sent to fight?" Oryo asked.

What the hell? A while ago, they were talking to a supremely intelligent old woman of the likes of Gendo and now she's sounding like a member of the John Birch Society. The esper looked outside to see the gang setting up archery equipment, in that brief moment, a hand from under the table emerged and dropped some pills into Oryo's wine glass. It slipped back as soon as Oryo drank again.

"So, why are you not joining your friends outside?" she asked him.

Itsuki turned back. "Oh, well, I'm just bothered really. Can I see the tourist registry? I'm want to see if Frank Cotton was indeed around on the night of the festival."

"Certainly." On cue the hand slipped the registry on the table next to her glass. She picked it up and handed it to the esper. Itsuki accepted it and perused through the registry.

He found what he was looking for. Frank Cotton's name appeared on the list of tourists on the night of last year's festival. Right next to it was entry and departure time.

"You found what you're looking for?" she asked.

"Yes, indeed," he replied graciously. "He was here. About a second later, he left."

"Oh, so he was not really around when he went missing," she said calmly.

"Your lordship seems strangely unconcerned," he said.

"I'm confident your suspicions are wrong, Koizumi," was the reply. "We don't commit murder up here. We're a deeply religious people."

"Religious!" He got up like a jack in a box. It was his turn to lose it. "With rituals whose origins are as terrible as a Lovecraftian horror story. Sacrificing people to a god in such a horrible manner so their sins can be forgiven? What kind of monstrosity is this!?"

"You suspect... foul play?" she asked strongly.

"I suspect murder and conspiracy to murder."

"Are you Christian, Mr. Koizumi?"

"No."

"They're you have it. The men of the good book had their chance and, in modern parlance, blew it. Or rather the Portuguese missionaries that came here in the 17th century died heroes' deaths, giving their lives for their beliefs and that we might have something to go with our potatoes."

"Excuse me?" his eyes went wide with curiosity.

"Come with me." She stood up and Itsuki followed suit. They walked to her study, which gave them a vista to the village. She then said, "It's most important that each new generation born in Hinamizawa be made aware that here the old gods aren't dead."

"Really? There's more than one?"

"Shut it, pretty boy," she said crossly, "it's an expression." Then she calmed herself down. "In this day and age, tradition everywhere is besieged by the ravages of modernity and globalization. It is important we keep protect our old ways against the new conformity of the world outside our village. I was brought up the same way - to reverence the music and the drama and rituals of the old gods. To love nature and to fear it, and to rely on it and to appease it where necessary."

"So I see," Itsuki agreed. "You were brought up to be a pagan!" he cried in an outraged voice.

"A heathen, conceivably," she remarked, "but not, I hope, an unenlightened one. And shouldn't you be one yourself?"

"Oh yeah..." Itsuki agreed in an embarrassed tone. "I'm sorry."

Oryo sighed in frustration. "You crazy kids and your trends. That's the problem with the new generation, leaving us old folk high and dry while you go to the cities to seek out the world, thinking our old traditions are not so trendy~. And what can you do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing." Then her eyes dilate, her hearing started to echo and she saw Ivan the unwashed, drunken, horny, wild-eyed penal conscript from Gulag No. 69, East Siberia rather Itsuki Koizumi.

"Huh?"

Then she ranted some more, "You don't understand, our mentality, the old Japanese mentality. In Midway, we lose! In Tarawa, we lose! In Eurovision, we lose! But here, we don't lose! This piece of earth, we keep it! We will never lose it! Never!"

"Please calm down," Itsuki said, hiding his fear. "I think we should call for the servants right now since-"

"ARGGGHHH!" Oryo cried and brandished her rusty katana, knocking him over.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Itsuki shrieked as he went on all fours racing out for dear life. Darting out of the study, he got to the hall and Oryo burst out the door, looking so wild as she scanned the room for the esper...

(Metal Gear OST 3 - Alert plays...)

BEGIN BATTLE: ONE-SIDED BOSS BATTLE: ORYO VS ITSUKI!

Itsuki returned to the dining room and hid under the table, cringing like a whoopsie. Then the sliding door opened, revealing Oryo Sonozaki as she held her weapon menacingly in one hand. "Mr. Koizumi," she said amiably. "I trust that your enjoying our hospitality."

On the screen was their health bars, Oryo in red and broken in four pieces; Itsuki in green and in solid bar.

"No fair!" he cried indignantly. "She has partially regenerating health while I'm squishie as a bug!"

"I found you!" Oryo shouted happily, laughing manically. The esper screamed like a little girl and darted out from under the table.

Finally flushed out, Itsuki was now confronting the crazed old geezer, practically shaking as she slowly circled the table to salami him...

Oryo confronts Itsuki. She uses CRITICAL STRIKE. [Swordslash] Itsuki uses WHOOPSIE EVASION[Hops back with a slight, high pitched "ahh!"]. No damage.

Itsuki's turn...

With a scream, Itsuki lifted a platter of sashimi and threw it at Onibaba. She knocked it out of the way. Still screaming, he frantically picked and threw more stuff at her in a desperate effort to keep her away, but each object was deflected by Onibaba's rusty katana. Realizing this, Itsuki circled around again to the widthwise part of the table and tried to overturn the heavy wooden furniture but Oryo jumped over it and slashed at him. But he dodged in and out of the way, then got on his back, did a roll to a nearby wall.

With his back to the wall, Itsuki felt for the nearest thing he could grab as Oryo prepared to charge at him. He found it, just in time for her to rush with her sword. He threw a splotchy picture called My Family And Other Animals. It hit her face, knocking her over in a slide off the floor, making her scream until she ripped it off her face. It knocked a chunk out of her health but that was slowly going back. He scampered out of the dining room with Oryo on hot pursuit, wanting to give him a shave and a tetanus infection.

On his feet he must now try to not to get any shorter as the crazy old bitch chased him like he was the last bottle of Geritol at 7-11, swinging and slashing about the air. He kept running across the seemingly endless hallway, looking back a little to see Oryo look even more horrible, like she was on speed.

"AAAAHHHH!" he shrieked, prompting his legs to pour out more speed, enough for him to enter the kitchen. Itsuki frantically squeezed himself under a table as Oryo entered. She walked slowly, her feet scraping the floor as she she searched around the kitchen for Itsuki and his balls. Every step she took sent a renewed wave of fright on everyone's favorite esper. She also breathed heavily, which did NOT make it any easier on him. Seeing the shadows of her feet, he started to shake uncontrollably, his teeth clacking like a typewriter. The loudness of his teeth made the shadows. Alarmed, Itsuki grasped his mouth with his hands tightly, only to transfer the shaking to his bones. The feet stop... and turned on his direction.

The esper thought he really was screwed as Oryo approached his location. Then it stopped and turned away, heavy steps stalking out of the kitchen. It was silent for a few seconds afterwards. Realizing that the crazy old lady had left, Itsuki proceeded to crawl out.

(Metal Gear OST 3 - Alert fades...)

Grunting and groaning with exertion, Itsuki had a hard time emerging from the table. Wriggling his body from down under, he pulled himself out of the table. Sweeping the dust from his uniform. He cautiously checked his corners, namely the kitchen. "Oh, good. I'm still alive." Still aware that the psycho old bat was still present, he proceeded out. "I need to get to Haruhi and the others before she-"

The door opened and he was face-to-face with Oryo.

"OH SHIT!"

"There you are!" She laughed again, bearing her dentures. Itsuki spun for the back doorway but Oryo flashstepped to his front. He tried to go for the door he opened but Oryo was there. He tried the window but Oryo instantly blocked him.

(Monty Python and Holy Grail sword fight song starts...)

Itsuki fell on his ass and his hand fell on a baguette. Quickly, he brought it to bear and put himself into a fighting stance. "En garde!" he bellowed as he brought his "sword" to bear. Oryo did the same and they were locked in combat, looking like something out of Gladiator. For some reason, Itsuki's baguette was doing well against her rusty katana despite being a piece of bread. Metal clashed with bread, blow for blow, punctuated by manly screams and grunts.

Oryo and Itsuki wrestled their blades against each other, trying to force the opponent back away enough to get back to sword slashing. They stared at each other, killer gazes with teeth drawn, crust grinding against blade. Itsuki was pushing her blade away from his face, slowly but surely. Oryo, realizing that Itsuki was gaining the upper hand, put more effort to push him away. Itsuki responded by doing the same. On and on it went until...

To save her non-existent virtue, she put on a burst of energy that shoved him back, and gave him a kick to the balls. Itsuki shrieked, dropped his baguette and knelt in pain, then Oryo gave him a knee to the face, sending his ass on the floor.

"Kiss your commie asshole goodbye!" she declared.

Itsuki squealed and brought his arms up to shield, as if that would work. Oryo readied her blade for the killing blow when something totally unexpected happened...

(Version of Ode to Joy used on Kaworu's death plays...)

Itsuki and Oryo stared at each other. Oryo's eyes boring into the esper's soul while his where those of an antelope about ripped to shreds by a lion. For some reason awesome choral music played at the background, spelling out his fate. The whole became static, as if so the viewer can ponder on the artistic merits and philosophical symbolism of the scene...

Then Itsuki realized that his hand rested on a moldy, half-eaten sandwich.

(Music shrieks to abrupt halt...)

He threw the sandwich at her face, hitting her with a splat. "Ahhhh! I'm blind!" she shrieked.

She stumbled around as she tried to wipe off that disgusting foodstuff from her face. She then slipped on a conveniently-placed banana peel and flew up in the air, falling back down hard on the floor with a thud.

Having the advantage, he got up like Jason Bourne and put on a combat pose, waiting for her to put up a fight. When he noticed that the crazy old lady wasn't rising to the challenge. He decided to check on here...

Wait a minute...

Not wanting any jump scares, he grabbed his bread stick again and gave her a poke. Once. Then twice. And then many times, fast and slow. Since she didn't respond he got closer for a look. Her head was turned to the side, her face contorted with wide eyes and a tongue sticking out. He realized that she broke her neck in the fall.

"Whoa!" he cheered. "Ding-dong the bitch is dead!"

(Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead from Naked Gun plays...)

The kitchen erupted into a full-blown party as he danced with confetti, wearing a Cultural Revolution-era dunce cap for a party hat; blaring a party horn while spinning a ratchet in one hand, and waving a flag in the other. He danced some sort of weird stupid dance."Arriba! Arriba!"

But then a sound called out, "My lady are you alright?"

(Song stops...)

Instantly, Itsuki's triumph turned to horror as he agonized over what to do with Oryo's corpse. He panicked, looking around for kitchen for a way out his predicament. He heard footsteps getting closer as his mind frantically searched for a solution.

The servant entered to see the room in disarray. "Oh my, Mistress,"she exclaimed in dismay. "What have you done here?"

In the midst of the dismay caused by the Itsuki-Oryo sword fight: the pots and pans scattered about; shelves torn from the wall; on the floor were strewn with food, dishes and glasses, cutlery, glass and puddles of wine from the wine fridges; the kitchen stove was set ablaze like Atlanta after Sherman's visit, stood Oryo. "Uh... I can explain," she said in chirpy voice, her mouth moving rather artificially.

"Please excuse me, my lady, but are you alright?" the servant meekly asked, knowing the power Oryo held as head of the Sonozaki family. "It seems you're feeling like a propped up marionette. And you're voice is different. Are you out of your meds?"" Behind the body, Itsuki thinking of a response to this as he tried to keep the body upright and lively with a mop, bread sticks to to hold and move the arms, and a contraption using popsicle sticks to manipulate the mouth.

He cleared his throat and snapped in a scratchy, cantankerous voice, "What are you doing then?" shaking the corpse vigorously and flapping the gums as hard as he could to mimic anger. "You miserably, little peasant, come over here and help your mistress."

"At once, my lady," she replied obediently and proceeded forward. Realizing his mistake Itsuki backed away just as she got within arm's length. "On second thought," he said, "I'll go to my room on my own. You stay here and clean up the kitchen."

"Hai." The servant did as she was told as Itsuki, still holding up the corpse, stepped aside and carefully moved backward so as not show that it was Itsuki, not the old lady, she was speaking to. He slowly made his way to the doorway and was about to get away when his heel tripped on a cucumber.

The thud caused the servant to spin around to see Oryo lying on her back - with someone beneath her. "My lady, you fell," she said in a chirped.

Itsuki quickly got up, propping the corpse about to make it lifelike as possible. "I know I fell, dammit! Now get back to work." He made wild, jerky gesticulations to that effect although it looked like she was having some sort of seizure while dancing Geddan.

"Excuse me, my lady, but I believe there's a boy behind you."

Itsuki's was shocked by the response. "What boy?" he snapped in his fake voice.

Suspicious and undeterred, she tried to look around the sides Itsuki carefully moved Oryo's body to keep her from looking behind. She tried the other side but he moved the corpse up front there as well. Still, the servant was persistent and this forced Itsuki to a 360 several times over to keep her from looking behind. She's still at it, so she let her look behind - while simultaneously make a quick and careful way around the body to keep her from seeing him and his "stuff" which she used to keep Oryo upright.

Facing her rather dead mistress, she immediately apologized, "I'm sorry, my lady. I was wrong about you for having a boy behind. Please forgive me." She bowed her head. Oryo's head limped forward.

"How about you get back to work and no more stupid questions?" she "replied", still doing that Exorcist dance. He quickly fled, leaving a cloud of dust and a sweatdropping servant.

After ambling out of the way, Itsuki finally dropped the corpse on the floor and dragged it like a sack of rice. He initially pulled it by the legs but he was horrified by what he so down there so he hauled her by the armpits. He made a stop over at the kitchen to pick up the tourist registry.

"Got it!" he exclaimed and hefted Oryo up again.

Moving backward, he was trying to find which place was Oryo's room, trying from one room to another. One room had cakes, another had had turnips, a third held turnips, and when Itsuki opened the last room.

He saw a haggard-looking man chained to the stone wall. "Hey," he begged in an Australian accent. "Get me outta here!"

Itsuki was astounded to see this. He then asked, "Are you Frank Cotton?"

"No!" he shouted back.

"Okay." He proceeded to leave.

"Oh wait, just a moment! Don't leave me here-" But the esper slammed the door and moved on and rounded corner where he saw two little girls. They look like little girl versions of the Sonozaki twins.

"Hello, Itsuki," they chimed together. "Come play with us. Come play with us... Forever."

A scene flashed into Itsuki's mind of large buildings being burned, with Lucy, whose nakedness was partially covered by shadow and a silhouette of a boy, obscured completely by same shadow.

"And ever," the called out again. A flash of light showed lit the boy's face only briefly to see a horrifyingly-familiar face grinning with manic eyes. "Vorkuta..." he whispered eerily.

"And ever." On the ground were guards, mutilated and lying in a pool of their own blood, their faces etched with expressions of horror and pain.

"And ever."

The scene stopped flashing and smile lit up Itsuki's face. "Sure!" he said excitedly. "Why not? Just let me dispose of this corpse first." He opened the door to the nearest room and pulled the corpse inward in one swift motion, slamming the door.

Rika and Satoko looked on blinking their eyes. "Man, he didn't answer our question about he's doing with Oryo."

"Who cares," Rika deadpanned. "Let's just go home before someone found us stealing these vegetables from the garden. She's probably drunk off her ass anyway." They resumed casually with the bundles of vegetables on their heads.

Inside, he finally Oryo's room. He then proceeded on to make Oryo lifelike as possible so he can play with two cute lolies. Itsuki such a sick little bastard and two green-haired little girls were just too good an opportunity to pass up.

The door opened and in came an old servant, going to clean the room when he saw Itsuki putting Oryo on the bed face forward. He jumped up and was about turn over the corpse when the epser saw the old man staring.

"Oh crap," he muttered in surprise.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry, wrong room." He was about to leave when he said to Itsuki. "Remember, boy, use protection." Door closed. Itsuki went back to prepping the corpse.

Anyone for archery?...

Outside, everyone was trying their hand with archery the mansion's backyard. For Haruhi, archery was an exercise in frustration. She couldn't notch the arrow right in the bow, which resulted it in falling off. When she did, her aim was atrociously poor. It was no small grace to Minoru Shiraishi(the character, not the VA), who ended up holding the dartboard up, that Haruhi narrowly missed him several times.

"Phooewy!" she cried and handed the bow grumpily to Mion.

The green-haired girl smiled. "Okay, anyone else?" Everyone gave it a go and gave up after a few tries, causing the boy to quake with each miss.

"Next?" she called out and Kyon stepped forward. He took the bow from her hand load up some arrows. Minoru gulped as he noticed to his terror that Kyon was notching the arrow and pulling the bow like a pro.

Kyon put on aiming stance and steadied his shot. He fired. The arrow soared through the air hit the bulls-eye. Haruhi wondered, How the hell did he do that?

"Whoa!" Everyone else cheered.

"What? No fair!" Haruhi yelled jealously.

"Patience, Haruhi," Sasaki said. "Just 'cause Kyon can do what you can't doesn't give you the right to throw a fit."

"I'm his Brigade leader," Haruhi replied. "If I say 'lose', he should lose-"

"Here you go, Sasaki," Kyon cut in, handing the bow to the other goddess as he stalked away to join the others hanging around back. Haruhi grumbled as Sasaki took her place in the line and notched up an arrow naturally. She fired and her arrow made a bull's-eye next to Kyon's.

"Ah, very good shot, Miss Sasaki," Minoru chimed.

"Thank you," she greeted back, her politeness and flawless archery making Haruhi fume even more.

"How about me?" Fujiwara asked. He got the bow from Sasaki. "I'd like to see that bastard who pushed my face in the dirt make his way past me."

"Then you're pointing at the wrong direction," Sasaki observed, pointing Kyon standing next to Tsuruya and Taniguchi.

"I'll advise him to stay where he is," the bleached blond boasted. "I have a nasty temper."

"More jealousy like," Sasaki deadpanned. "Oh God, who is she this time?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Then Haruhi snatched a piece of paper sticking out of Fujiwara's pocket. He tried to get it back but ended up getting a light foot tap to the groin, causing him to bow a bit.

"Aah, and who is Belldandy?" Haruhi cooed and beckoning the curious to come over, which was Sasaki and Mion.

"I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know!" he replied angrily but Sasaki kicked his dingdong again to get him to spill it out. "Ouch..." he groaned, "Belldandy of the Goddess Help Line. We're very much in love, Sasaki."

"This is the Belldandy?" Sasaki asked skeptically.

"Yes," he replied desperately.

"Belldandy - every man's- fantasy- dreamgirl- Belldandy?"

At that reply, Fujiwara paused for a second, then replied, "I... I think there two Belldandies."

"No... Tall, blond, elegant?"

"No, she's a brunette," Fujiwara replied apologetically. "Sasaki, please forgive me if you're jealous."

"I'm not," Sasaki said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, thank the Goddesses," Fujiwara said, relieved.

"Come on, tiger, get on with your shot," she said to cheer him up. "You'll get over her." He then tried to aim. "I did, she's my ex."

Fujiwara shot her a surprised look in response. Disheartened at learning that he's ideal love was bisexual, he calmed down with a sigh and put that thought aside to aim again and pulled back the arrow.

"So did Kuyouh, actually," Sasaki added.

Fujiwara shot prematurely and hit the boy in the groin. "Owww!" Minoru wailed loudly.

"Damned," he said dejectedly, and horrified by the image of their own alien making out with Belldandy.

"You know, she has this thing about 'enjoying life to the fullest' but you already know that now." Sasaki smiled at informing him that.

"It's just so cruel," he whelped and moved off. Haruhi find the whole scene entertaining as she crumpled Fujiwara's letter and flicked it to the ground. That was when Itsuki slipped by Haruhi and whispered into her ear. Her eyes brightened and nodded enthusiastically.

She cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "I'm sorry, Mion but we gotta go."

"Gotta go?" Mion blinked her eyes. "The afternoon's still young."

"Sorry to cut the day short but we got a busy schedule keep. Coming along now, everyone." She moved off. The rest of the Brigade awkwardly followed, with Sasaki shrugging shoulders to Mion.

He then walked with Keiichi to the boy struggling to hold the dartboard. "Bad luck, Mr. M," Keiichi said. "It's better than having to end up trapped by Shion."

"Not at all," he chimed happily. "Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn't in fact enter my body."

"Oh good." It was Mion.

"No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way," he said sadly.

"Too bad," Keiichi sympathized. "How are you gonna enjoy life?"

"And I only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there forever."

"That so, Minoru? It can be your lucky willy," Mion observed.

"Yes, Mion. Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren."

"No, Minoru, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question." She instantly pulled the arrow out of his crotch.

"Ahhh!" he whelped sharply.

Author's note: Like I said earlier, everyone's probably tired of references. But I do have to tell you that Waking bad segment draw elements from Allo Allo Season 1's early episodes with a bit of Blackadder(the mousetrap/Satan's bottom thing). And for a happy reviewer who goes by the moniker of Joker-ZX, I'll reconsider about putting Black Ops 2 in any of my future chapters. As for the last part, I took the idea from Blackadder - Anyone For Archery? on Youtube and poking fun on Oh My Goddess's Belldandy.