Afternoon (Piss)Off
A/N: Hi, guys. This is the third chapter I've put out in a row for Kyon! Do Everything! I see that Halloween's approaching next month. In this chapter, I've brushed a few plot threads that have taken some dust and reinforced the new ones that were introduced in the last chapters. Character of prominence here is Yuki Nagato and Shion in their own special segments and Kuyou Suou, with more OOCness.
Brigade meeting...
After having left the Sonozaki estate and heading back to the bunker, the Brigade was conferring over the latest development in Frank Cotton's whereabouts. "This is awesome!" Haruhi exclaimed. "We have something to work with after all."
"Right on, Haruhi," Itsuki produced the registry. "On the tourist registry we will see, once and for all, a record of Frank Cotton's presence in the village on the night of last year's festival."
"Oh, goody-goody-goody." Haruhi clapped her hands excitedly. Sasaki just rolled her eyes. The former snatched the paper from Itsuki's hand, scanning the paper with her wide open eyes, which narrowed into slits with a skeptical frown on her lips. "Itsuki... Is this for real?"
"Huh? What do you mean, Haruhi?" the esper asked, puzzled.
"What the hell is that, then?" She stabbed an accusing finger on the Frank Cotton entry. "This is look's like a fifth grader's handwriting." Itsuki took a closer look at the paper and noticed that Frank Cotton's name and his entry and departure times where written in a grade-schooler's crude English handwriting.
"Well..., Madame Sonozaki gave it to me," he said sheepishly. "Are you saying she faked this entry?"
"This isn't her handwriting, mind you. I know Kyon's sister writes liked that," she retorted and glared at the paper, "so what she gave to us was probably a prank."
"But how could I know?" he protested. "I didn't have time to check the paper."
I spy with my little eye
"Are you really desperate enough to get on my good side that you took the bait?" the goddess asked pointedly.
"Honestly, Haruhi," Itsuki replied, "I didn't know. While you were out there for archery, I was being chased by that old lady with a rusty sword."
Haruhi's eyes sparkled with wonder. "You were?"
"Yes." Itsuki related a brief recounting of his horrendous experience with Oryo Sonozaki, careful not to include the parts of him acting like a whiney little whoopsie so as not have Haruhi doubt his confidence and where Oryo died from breaking her neck. No need to rile Haruhi up with more death.
"Whoa! That was awesome," Haruhi cheered.
"Really?" Sasaki asked skeptically.
"What's wrong? Itsuki risked his ass to get this important piece of information here."
"More like cover his ass," she pointed out sharply. "Itsuki knows a thing or two about sucking up to you. He's an accomplished political survivor of your merry little band of troublemakers."
"Oh really?" Haruhi crossed her arms with a pout, sensing Sasaki's implication. "What makes you say that?"
Sasaki tried not to roll her eyes. "Haruhi, if there's anything you need to know, it's that Itsuki is a slimy operator taking advantage of the situation for his own ends. Say, Kyon, for instance." It prompted the three boys, Fuji, Tani, and Kuni, to turn heads at Itsuki awkwardly. Itsuki blanched at the attention.
Haruhi was unperturbed. "What he and Kyon do is none of my business." Itsuki looked at Kyon, who seemed to in a mode for having his fingers around the esper's neck, making him shake.
"In any case, you need to be a better boss if you want things done," Sasaki said. "Try, for instance, set realistic goals and don't dump all the legwork on your guys."
"And how do you run your guys?" the goddess challenged her counterpart.
Sasaki sighed. "Haruhi, we just hang out. That's all. We don't organize ourselves in pretentious, self-proclaimed missions to understand the unknown. We take life as it is."
Haruhi rolled her eyes. "I can hardly believe that with your present company."
"Well, at least with them afternoon chats were pleasant and entertaining. Your idea of entertainment is putting your clubmates into humiliating situations in the pursuit of seeing if they go to the hospital or the morgue." Everyone else in the room could sense that bitch fight was in the making.
"Sitting on my ass all day is not my idea of fun," the Brigadefuhrer replied haughtily.
"And making people suffer is neither mine. See where you got Mikuru in?" she pointed out.
"Yeah, I know that," Haruhi snapped back, "and I'm gonna teach that ginger fruit nut a lesson about taking something from Haruhi Suzumiya."
Sasaki scoffed. "Mikuru would prefer staying in this village over being back in your so-called Brigade. You're more concerned with getting her back for yourself rather than her safety."
"She's one of a kind," she stoutly defended. "Where else can we get a redheaded moe?"
"And your Brigade members, what are they? Chopped liver?"
"My Brigade is my life's work so I'm not just gonna send them away until it's absolutely necessary."
"Like saving your ass?" Sasaki smiled in a subtle smugness against the Brigadefuhrer, who was increasingly pissed at her authority being challenged by her rival. She stared hard at Sasaki. The other goddess remained unmoved. They locked in a tense silence for a full thirty seconds.
"Uh... guys?" Itsuki asked hesitantly.
"What!?" the two goddess suddenly exclaimed at him.
He gave his question, "Shouldn't we more concerned about finishing this job?"
"Itsuki, at what sort of logic," quipped Sasaki sharply, "makes you think that we should pursue this cockamamie scheme of Haruhi's?"
"Hey," Haruhi blurted at that.
"Well," he explained, "while most of it is Haruhi's idea, we've taken the job from Julia Cotton, who asked us to learn of the fate of the missing Frank Cotton. She gave us a job, we gave her our word to finish it."
"Does that justify breaking into peoples' homes?" the other goddess asked wryly.
"Well, we can't change that anymore," the esper conceded. "We're in too deep now to back out except finishing this."
"Yeah, and thanks for letting your boss drag us in," Fujiwara bitched. "We're in to our necks deep thanks to you losers."
"And how about you run away away right now?" Haruhi spat back at the time-boy.
"Oh, no," he replied mockingly. "I can just walk, thank you very much." With that he stepped out of the bunker. At that moment a snap of rope was heard, followed by scream and a loud thud against a tree trunk.
Haruhi smirked. "Ha, dumbass walked right into one of our traps."
"Well, I don't have to feel sorry for him anyway," Sasaki said plainly. "So no turning back in now, huh?"
"Yes, whether we like it or not," Yuki interjected, "all of have us committed to this enterprise. We must see it resolved to the end."
"Yuki's right," Kyon said. "No turning back now. We might have to cooperate a bit."
"I agree," Kunikida piped. "It's only the right thing to finish something you started."
Sasaki sighed in agreement. No turning back now indeed. "Okay, we're in."
"Woohooo!" Haruhi leaped like a rabbit in joy. "Okay, now nothing's gonna stop the Brigade from completing it's mission."
"What..." Fujiwara groaned outside in shock upon hearing it. "Oooooh Gawd..."
"I think you're getting ahead of yourself," Sasaki said. "If you want to complete this, let's start everything we need to know about Cotton, the village, and the murders."
"Hey, wanna feel us in on what's going on?" a voice called out. Then Kyouko appeared through the bunker entrance. She turned back and called out, "Kuyou, bring Fuji-kun down."
Outside, Kuyouh Souh scanned Fujiwara from top to bottom to figure out how to bring him down. Fujiwara was hurt from the tree-slamming he had earlier and now he's hanging upside down like a leg of ham. He looked pissed as the alien looked at him. "Hey, you heard 'em. Bring me down."
Kuyouh just stared back. Fujiwara crossed his arms, looking pissed. "Are you gonna just stare at me or something? Put me down!" he blasted at the alien.
Still she looked on as though as she seemingly couldn't comprehend his order.
"You dumbass from outer space!" Fujiwara cried, shaking in rage, dangling vigorously. "Put me down this instant-"
Kuyouh's tentacle hair grabbed Fujiwara around the waist and yanked him from the rope.
A grateful Fujiwara cheered, "Hey, thanks Kuyouh-" Before he could finish his sentence, the alien threw him into the bunker entrance like a sack of potatoes.
A hint of madness...
Shion was working in the Angel Mort, clearing drinks and plates on the table of another satisfied costumer. Outwardly, she's a thoroughly professional and competent waitress, doing her job in the food industry. Deep inside, however, was a different story. One of dark, twisted thoughts subconsciously whirling around the chaotic recesses of her mind. Disturbing images and sinister whispers flit across the void, like wraiths through skies of an ancient horrible land.
Shion was taking drinks to another table when a coworker called, "Hey, Shion. A phone call for you."
"Oh, coming," she replied and hurried with her chore. Finished, she went to the back to take the phone.
"Hello?"
"Oh, hi Shion," a special voice said.
"Satoshi!" she screamed in delight. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine," was the cheery reply. "How's work?"
"Super! No one's trying to touch me today," Shion chimed happily. Anyone who did touch the murderous yandere ended up floating down river.
"That's good news. Listen, I have many things to attend such as the upcoming festival. I need you to look after Satoko for me."
"Oh, that's great, I think me and Satoko will have a happy good time."
"Oh, yes, don't forget about Mikuru. I know she's staying at Rena's but I can't on a good conscious let her carry the burden of taking care of her alone, especially with Haruhi Suzumiya around. Would you drop by and check?"
At the mention of Mikuru Shion's world changed abruptly. Everything around her turned dark and eerie howls, shrieks and moans filled her ears. The phone shook in her hand and her eyes dilated like raisins. She breathed hard.
Mikuru... Mikuru... The scarlet-haired whore of Babylon, trying to steal the heart of her love. Her body, her looks, her demeanor... ALL TAILOR MADE TO PLEASE THE PRIMAL MALE INSTINCTS OF SATOSHI!
"Die...," she whispered, "die... die... DIE!"
Blood sipped down the wall in torrents like cherry syrup. It grew into a torrent that rapidly filled the room. Demonic laughter echoed loudly as the walls burst to disgorge a river of red to the outside world.
"Uh... Shion?"
"Uh, yes," she quickly replied, brought back to reality.
"Please, take care, my love," Satoshi said.
"Okay, Satoshi, bye." She hung up. She was about to get back to work when the phone rang again. She grabbed it and said, "Hello, this is Angel Mort. How can I help you?"
"Uh, is this Shion?" a female voice asked.
Puzzled at her named being mentioned by an unknown caller, she asked her curiously, "How do you know my name?"
The voice went on, "I know your shift will end in a few minutes. I have something tell you later on."
Suspicious, she asked coolly, "How about you tell now?"
"Secret~," chimed the voice. "Meet me at the clearing in the woods after work." Then it hung up.
Kuyou's teatime...
Back inside the bunker, everyone started discussing what they learned today.
"Well, anything we need to know that could further this lead, please say now," Haruhi announced.
"Yeah," Kunikida raised his hands. "What if whoever's in charge of this mess is onto us?"
"Ah, that seems like good start," the goddess chimed. "But since they haven't made any serious moves on us yet so let's put that aside."
Sasaki thought, Haruhi, I thought you were gonna take this seriously. She was stunned by how Haruhi dismissed the threat of the perpetrators of this scary controversy, be it the villagers, the Yakuza, the Special Activities Division, or the Illuminati, even ISIS.
Haruhi went on with her spiel. "So, anything new we learned today? Anything we overlooked?"
Taniguchi spoke up, "Well, me and Kyon had set up a night watch and we might recorded a conversation between Mion and Keiichi then."
"Oh, really?" Haruhi asked eagerly.
"Yes, it's in our pile of gear over there." He pointed to their pile of stuff. Haruhi jumped over there and started digging like a child going over a pile of candy. She found the laser mike.
"Oh cool," she shouted, holding up the mike. "Let's see what secrets they've been discussing at night."
She put it on and raised the volume for all to her. All they got was a loud screechy noise that everyone covering their ears.
"What the hell is that?" the goddess screeched.
"I don't know," Taniguchi shouted back.
"You forgot to filter the noise," Kyon said as he crawled to the mike and set the noise filter on. The whole thing was set up again, this time with the conversation instead of nails scratching the chalkboard, much to the relief of everyone's ears.
The noise was enough to finally wake Tsuruya from her stupor. "Hey..." she asked groggily, "what did I miss?"
Transcript:
...
Mion: Well anyway(paper scraping). Here's something Shion asked me to bring you with.
Keiichi: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (paper rips) Oh boy Mion! This is the bomb! Thanks Mion!
Mion: Don't thank me, Keiichi,, just fap yourself off.
Keiichi: Mion, considering all the stuff with the SOS Brigade today, what are you gonna do with them?
Mion: Don't worry, my perverted friend. We'll take care of them.
Keiichi: Yeah, and I wish Oyashiro was real so he can smite all these snoopy outsiders.
The rest of the recording just fluff. Still, everyone was shaken as Haruhi finally found the strength to press the STOP button.
"Oh... crap," Sasaki muttered softly.
"Don't worry, Sasaki," Kyouko smiled and said in softly, if valiantly, "I'm by your side." It caused Sasaki to contort her face in discomfort.
"Damn straight...," Taniguchi finally said.
Itsuki cringed. "My goddess, why haven't they made a move on us yet?" He was chipping his fingernails with his chattering teeth.
"They're still planning," Kyon said plainly. "Or simply waiting for the right time. Most likely gonna be put into motion by now."
Kyon's statement earned everybody's looks as they thought of the villagers waiting to pounce on them, slaughter them and do hideous things to their bodies.
Except Fujiwara, who promptly scoffed, "Ha! I'd like to see them try."
Yuki gave him an odd look. "Why is that?"
"I've stepped on one of the bunker's traps, right?" the sneering bastard answered. "If they want to get to us they'll have to make it through the traps."
"We might have to leave the bunker once in a while," Yuki stated the obvious. "No point solving the case if we stay here."
"Oh no," Tsuruya worriedly muttered, "where am I gonna get my smoked cheese?" She cried, "Smoked cheese! I want my smoked cheese!"
Yuki gave her a hard slap, which echoed loudly across the room. "Pull yourself together," she said sternly at the cheese eater, her eyes looking straight into hers, like that of a lover. "We'll all make it out."
"We'll all make it out," she repeated, "we'll make it out."
"Good," she said, "just keep calm and carry on." With that Tsuruya sat back down. Everyone blinked their eyes in amazement. Tsuruya has been known to have violent mood swings whenever she's deprive of smoked cheese for a certain amount of time. And may Heaven have mercy on whatever poor soul happened to stray into her path during her swings but damn! Yuki actually bitchslapped her into cooling down and got away with it.
The alien then said softly to everyone, "Continue." With that they went back to brainstorming.
Sasaki addressed Haruhi, "Haruhi, now that possibility exists that the villagers may be planning something on us sooner or later, what should we do?"
"We can make more traps," Haruhi suggested proudly. "And we can take shifts to see whose coming out on patrol for clues and whose gonna stay here and man the fort."
Sasaki looked skeptical. "That doesn't sound very practical, Haruhi. This is village turf, you know. As such the locals have the advantage of knowing the terrain like the back of their hands."
Haruhi pouted at being shot down by Sasaki, nonetheless, she agreed grudgingly, "Oh yeah. Not a good idea."
"Speaking of which," Sasaki added. "Where are those four girls that we inducted in?"
"Who?" Haruhi asked innocently.
"You know, that blue-haired, short girl, the moe pink hair with glasses and the twins?" Sasaki asked with exasperation.
The alpha-goddess thought for while, then said, "Oh yeah, those four. Yuki, see if those four girls that we picked up are still alive."
Yuki stood up and replied, "Yes, Haruhi." And skipped out the bunker like it was playtime in the afternoon.
Sasaki blinked her eyes. "Well... At least you showed some concern about them," she commented. "So, we have either the camp, in which case will be like a wooden raft surrounded by sharks? Or we leave immediately, get back to the hotel and start our investigation their, but by the time we return everything we'll be harder to find Frank Cotton then."
"Well, I could use a good cup of tea right now," Haruhi answered. "It's hard to think without a hot cup to sip on."
At the mention of tea Sasaki felt her thirst as well. "Now that you mention it, have you any?"
Haruhi grinned. "Oh sure we do, let's just get Mikuru to brew some and-" She stopped short at that. "DAMN THAT GINGER!" It startled everyone inside.
"What the hell!?" Sasaki called out.
"With Mikuru gone with those kids," Haruhi went, seething with rage, "we won't have a decent cup of joe."
The other goddess was incredulous. "So with mean to say you just had a temper tantrum because no one here knows how to make tea?"
"What do you think?" Haruhi asked pointedly. "No Mikuru, no tea. No tea, no smooth meeting. Where am I gonna get a moe who knows how make tea? Or prepare snacks for the club."
Then the Microsoft Sam voice of Kuyouh wailed, "_I_have_a-"
"Speak normally!" Haruhi snapped, not wanting to hear anymore electronic buzzing.
Kuyouh coughed loudly in response for a few seconds, sounding like someone whose lungs were totally wrecked from constant use of tobacco and kitten huffing. "I have a cunning plan."
Haruhi looked at her oddly. "What plan?"
"Cooking," the alien replied.
Haruhi cheered at this. Finally, someone who knows how to prepare tea and snacks. "That's great, Kuyouh! How about you start now?"
"Yay," Kuyouh squeaked.
"Haruhi, it's a brilliant idea," Sasaki chimed.
"It is? Great!" the alpha goddess jumped with joy.
"There is however one slight flaw in the plan."
"Oh?" Haruhi gave Sasaki an odd look.
"She's a grotesque parody of the Yamato Nadeshiko. She may look pretty but she sounds like a broken record player; has about as much charm, wit, and grace of a malfunctioning robot maid after a head-swap with a German shepherd; and makes love... you don't want to know about but that's not the worst part."
"Then what is?" the Brigadefuhrer asked.
"She's the worst cook in the entire universe, so bad that she makes North Korean gulag food haute cousin."
Kuyouh mewed in agreement, "Oh yeah, that's right."
Sasaki regarded the alien. "There are amoeba on Saturn who can boil a better egg than you. Your onigiri tastes like partly-melted balls of Styrofoam with black duck tape on."
Kuyouh replied happily, "That's because they are."
"Your curry udon resembles plastic cables swimming in a used toilet full of vomit and whatnot."
Kuyouh's expression's a little embarrassed. "I thought you wouldn't notice."
"You make bentos out household trash, automobile repair shop waste, and crushed gravel for rice; your chocolate gateau's actually burnt tire rubber layered with asphalt and slathered in used motor oil; and last but not the least, your cream custard has the texture of cat vomit."
"Again it's..." she said innocently.
"If you were to serve your meals at the upcoming APEC summit, you will be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Silvio Berlusconi invited five thousand of his closest friends to a wine-and-anthrax bonga-bonga party - and the world will be a better place."
"..." was everyone's reaction to it. Never has it been in human, or even interface, memory that someone would be so BAD at cooking as to constitute a crime against the laws of physics itself. Some of the bunker occupants looked very disgusted at this new revelation of Kuyouh with the look of utter horror in their faces. Tsuruya had the feeling that she was gonna throw up.
In despair, Haruhi moaned, "Oh great, as if my luck wasn't holding up long enough. I'll have to think of something else."
Kuyouh offered calmly with hands clasped together, "Right, how about a nice meal, while you chew it over?"
The goddess looked at Kuoyh as though she was a serial killer. "What's on the menu?"
"Rat." She proudly held up a huge, struggling rat by the tail that almost made Haruhi puke. "Saute or fricassee?" Everyone else recoiled at this disgusting sight.
Still grossed out, she looked on at the offending creature, she wailed dishearteningly, "Oh, god, the agony of choice. Saute involves..."
"Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, and you marinade it in a puddle for a while." The rat shook frantically.
She backed away. "Uh-huh, for how long?"
"Till it's drowned. Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, then you get within dashing distance of the latrine, and then you scoff it right down." It squeaked loudly.
She replied nervously in a faux-excited tone, "So that's sauteing, and fricasseeing?"
"Exactly the same, just a slightly bigger rat."
"Well, call me Old Miss Un-adventurous but I think I'll give it a miss this once."
"Fair enough, Haruhi." She spun around and faced everyone else. With rat held like a carrot, she exalted, "More for the rest of us!" At this point, everyone held up their mouths with their hands and ran for their lives to the exit. Loud retching and coughing can be heard outside.
Sin tu amor...
The four girls have been sent out to search for any clues about the mysteries of Hinamizawa by Haruhi at the Irie Clinic. Not that it would work in any case as what was suppose to be a serious if discreet inquiry turned into conversation on horror and thriller conventions.
"That new Wickerman with Nick Cage sucks!" declared one frequent patient of the clinic. "I get as much thrills and chills as seeing a snail crawl under the hot sun."
"You're right about," Konata agreed. "It was awful."
"You call that awful?" he roared. "Burning yourself with a waffle iron's awful, stubbing yourself on the toe's awful, and listening to Rebecca Black's awful. Wickerman's way beyond awful, it's absolutely horrible!" He shoved his face close to Konata's for emphasis. The bluenette otaku wasn't fazed though.
"Man, and it's on circulation from every retail outlet out there. Does anyone watch the original?"
The man calmed down and backed away. He said nostalgically, "The originals are always better. Always were and always will be."
"Screw Hollywood," Konata added. Then they do a high-five and parted ways. She went back to a very displeased Kagami, who was tapping her feet in annoyance.
"Konata," she grumbled with crossed arms, "we're suppose to be looking for clues, not talking about horror movies."
"Oh, Kagamin~, I'm just trying to have fun here," the otaku chimed.
"Look's like your fun netted us jack shit. Why don't just get on with it?"
Konata smiled like a cat. "Oh~," she cooed. "Kagamin wants to go home? The adventure's just beginning."
"The adventure's getting old," she remarked sharply, "Tsukasa and Miyuki are waiting for us right now, and I'd rather get back to the hotel before this 'SOS Brigade' drags further out to the woods."
"Eager to see her beloved imouto? Such a responsible onee-chan you are, Kagami~."
The tsundere gritted her teeth. "Shut up and let's go."
They left off to meet Tsukasa and Miyuki on their way to meet the Brigade.
"So, Miyuki, how was your investigation?" Konata asked.
"Well, we manage to dig some stuff concerning Frank Cotton at the time of his disappearance," the pinkette moe replied.
"Oh really? Fill me in," Konata chimed.
Miyuki began, "Around the night of last year's festival, Frank Cotton was seen in the village together with Keiichi and Mion who gave him a tour of the village. He was at the cotton ripping at the time. No one has seen him left the ceremony."
"That's 'cause no one is interested to see tourist when the real fun starts," Kagami commented.
"Seems that way. However, one of the villagers claimed that someone fitting his description was seen near the Saiguden at the time with two other people. Since it was only dark he couldn't identify his company other it was a man and a woman."
"Really, huh?" Konata mused. "Then how did the guy say it was Frank Cotton then?"
"Who knows." Miyuki shrugged her shoulders. "They broke inside and then left after a few minutes. The man and woman left but door was slammed shut behind them. The woman tried to kick it down but the man pulled her away and they left."
It put a chill down the spines of the girls. Konata, however, was thrilled as well. "So, what happened then?"
"Apparently, the woman felt she was left out or something. I don't know since our witness ran off himself. Minutes later, he heard an unearthly sound, followed by a horrific scream. He looked back to see blue light from the shed stood."
They were all speechless. Konata looked happy. "My God, Miyuki. We've entered horror movie territory! Whose the name of your witness?" Her eyes gleaned with excitement.
"Unfortunately, no," Miyuki replied sadly. "He asked me to keep him anonymous to protect his identity."
"Aw, man." The otaku was disappointed.
"So how was your own search?" Miyuki asked sweetly.
"It would have been nice," Kagami replied sourly, "if Konata didn't start spouting horror movies here and there. We ended up turning the clinic lobby into a lively discussion of the merits of the genre."
"Oh, I see."
"We did turn up a few things though such as a dam war between the village and the government over the right to build a dam on the river where the festival's ceremony took place. It turned violent, which included a number of deaths and unexplained disappearances."
The otaku felt her body shook with dread and excitement. "Haruhi's right! We're in the battle of mysterious horror crime central."
Kagami rolled her eyes. "This isn't something that we should do. We should let the police handle this."
"That's right, Kona-chan," Miyuki agreed. "I don't think we should just leave it to the authorities."
Then the bluenette looked disappointed, and then beamed impishly. "What are you saying? You see something dangerous, I see an opportunity."
Kagami tried to not lose to Konata's mischief. "Don't be ridiculous, Konata," she said brusquely. "There's a fine line between fiction and reality. If you're suggesting we continue this adventure in spite of the consequences, you do so alone and with the Brigade."
Konata then tried to mollycoddle the tsundere's feelings with pleading, "But Kagami, how could you just leave me all by myself. I thought I could count you to be my best friend, who'll never leave my side. But must you back out now, Kagami?"
"I've been a big sister longer than I've been your friend," she replied harshly, "so I'll take Tsukasa home, and Miyuki too. So, you're staying or going?"
The otaku looked hurt. Her face had a pained expression and then hung her head low. Kagami remained unmoved, but Tsukasa was. The younger twin turned her big moe eyes to her sister and said softly, "Onee-chan, is it right to leave her? She just wants to make our vacation exciting." Kagami tried to turn away from her sister, but with such cute eyes look that, who can say no?
After deciding whether to just her hand and go or give in to her sister's request, Kagami, grudgingly acquiesced to her sister, "Oh... Alright."
"You never need to try so hard, onee-chan," Tsukasa embraced her big sis warmly.
"That's right, onee-chan," Konata did the same, feigning sadness all along, "we will always be together."
"SCREW YOU!" she snapped at the otaku.
The four girls went trudging to the woods. Konata looked visibly relaxed while Kagami felt low as ever, even worse than Squidward. The two moes hung back behind them. Tsukasa, like any typical airhead, admired the beauty of the woods in the countryside. It was like being in a Hayao Miyazaki film. She can hear the chirping of birds and cicadas; the sweet woodland smells that permeated the air. And she heard some music from the corner of her ear. She turned to the direction of the sound, a faint guitar song, and followed it, not being noticed by her companions.
The soft strumming of strings became more distinct the closer she got and finally she can hear some soft-singing. "Si quieres volver te esperare /por favor no te vallas de mi /de mi vida amor /yo se que notenia que haber /escusas por este dolor..."
She never heard such singing as subtle and beautiful as this before.
The voice went on, "...que te deje en el corazon /pero si quieres estoy dispuesto /para que regreses hoy /para que regreses hoy..."
She finally came to a clearing to see a lavender-haired girl strumming the guitar in quite passion.
"...Y esque no puedo mas /estar solo sin tu amor /nadie me comprende como tu /y esque no puedo mas /estar solo sin tu amor /nadie me comprende como tu..."
The soft clapping brought Yuki out her trance. She saw it was Tsukasa who clapped to her music. Yuki had not expected to see the girl of her dreams come here. Sent out by Haruhi to look for them, Yuki seized the chance to pur out her heart's desire into song. She sought the tranquility of the woods for this purpose but she never expected the moe to appear and applaud her.
Conversely, Tsukasa realized that it was Yuki, the skinny girl who "confessed" her love since this morning. The moe felt a cringe when she thought of the alien earlier but here it was strange, she wasn't afraid at all and she was approachable. Still, she slowly made her way to the alien. She stood by the tree stump Yuki used for a seat. "I never heard anyone play a guitar and sing that well before. It was like being in a dream, Miss... Miss..." And Tsukasa was trying hard to think of the name.
"My name is Yuki Nagato," the alien replied gracefully. "I am grateful for the complement."
Tsukasa blushed. "Oh... You're welcome." She twiddled her fingers.
"I'm sorry," Yuki blabbed. "I think I was hasty towards you."
"Hasty?"
"'YUKI X TSUKASA FOREVER AND EVER'," Yuki recited.
It took her a full minute to realize that. "Oh, I see." She felt a little creeped out again.
Before she could leave, however, Yuki got down on her knees and look like a knight. "Please forgive for being so forward, Tsukasa. Let me explain."
Tsukasa didn't know whether to run for her life screaming for her onee-chan or listen to Yuki, and possibly get molested.
"When I saw you, I thought I saw Akari Kamagishi. I was mistaken if not for the fact that you have a gentle soul."
"Really?" her eyes widened.
"You've set my heart on fire, Tsukasa. I cannot get you out of my mind. You rekindled my passions and excite my devotion. Please don't be afraid of me. I would go away and leave if you alone, even if it means if I would pine away with loneliness."
Yuki and Tsukasa's eyes locked together. Tsukasa can see the passion in the eyes of the girl confessing her feelings. Those eyes, soft yet passionate; like moons above the night sea. They were mesmerizing.
"Uh..." Tsukasa twiddled her fingers "You're so nice and all but my sister will be mad if someone..."
Yuki held the moe twin's hands in hers. "Your sister will not need to worry over your safety. I will protect you both."
Tsukasa felt very warm and funny with her hand being held by another girl other than her sister's. It was beginning to feel wonderful with the sun shining brightly, the birds chirping happily, and flowers suddenly blooming in full color. Tsukasa realized that Yuki wasn't as bad as she thought she was, in fact, she might be misunderstood. Their faces inched closer-
"Tsukasa!" Kagami called out. "Where are you?"
Her sister's voice brought her back from the trance. She excused herself, "I'm sorry. I must go." She let go of her hands. "Coming, onee-chan!" This left the lesbo alien all alone in the clearing, still kneeling down on the grass.
"Tsukasa," she sighed. "My heart's always for you." A bird landed next to her and tweeted.
Runaway funeral...
There are times for revenge and times for mourning. At the moment it was latter for Old Man Kimiyoshi as he dragged the coffin of the gayfish named Lance Bass across the village to the graveyard in a little red wagon, dressed in black mourning drag. He never felt so low in his life, not since the flying salad incident with Oryo that nearly sent the village on fire.
He finally reached the graveyard, the final resting place of generations of Hinamizawans who were not chucked downriver with their guts spilling out or disposed in a myriad ways possible around the woods during a millennium of its existence.
He selected an empty plot and started digging, eventually getting into the required depth of six feet. He did it without staining his black funeral drag, which was puzzling. Even more so since he was wearing high heels.
While he was doing that strenuous chore, the hamsters were dragging a load of their own: the wet, dangerous explosives extracted from the tunnels. Already, they were griping about having to perform such an odious and dangerous task.
"Dammit! Why do we have to drag all this dynamite out here?" Maxwell complained as he pulled the sack.
"Boss said we need to get rid of this secretly," Stan replied, crapping poop. "No loose ends."
"Yeah, hopefully we get share the sunflower seeds when we comeback." They both laughed. They finally reached the gate of the graveyard. They both looked around for a suitable place to dump the explosives.
"Hey, looky-looky," Maxwell said, pointing his finger.
"Where?" Stan looked around. He followed where his cohort's finger pointed, next to the grave being dug was a coffin on a red wagon.
"That's where we gonna dump the explosives," Maxwell said proudly.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Stan asked uneasily.
"Come on, you wanna dump this shit or not?" the other hamster whined.
"Alright, alright," replied Stan, "jeez."
They both drudged yet again to the coffin. Maxwell climbed it up and opened the lid, impressive strength for a little critter like him. "Oh, God, it's got a body."
"I told that it's not a good idea," Stan scolded.
"Well, not a idea," Maxwell replied. "It's got the head of a fish and lots of fish sticks."
"Fish sticks. Oh man, someone must be really gay. How about we take the sticks home?"
"Good idea." They promptly emptied the coffin of fish sticks and tossed the wet explosives, which miraculously didn't blow up, and dragged with them their new found booty. They got clear of the graveyard by the time Kimiyoshi finished.
"Phew!" he muttered. "Nothing like a good hole for my love."
He then set up the funeral arrangements. The flowers were there, a stand bore a big picture of Lance, and the candles were lit. There were no one else to see the passing of the gayfish into the next world, save Kimiyoshi. There wasn't even a priest. Kimiyoshi tried to find Rika to officiate the ceremony but she wasn't at home. He'll have to do it himself.
He opened the upper lid so he can so Lance's head one last time. He couldn't bear to look anymore as he recalled the fun times he had with him in Onigafuchi Swamp, and his untimely demise. He curled his hands into fists and let loose a few shaky tears from his eyes. "Lance... Oh Lance...," he whispered. "I'll always remember you... And I'll avenge you my love... forever." Then his voice boomed epically with a hot-blooded raised fist, I'LL AVENGE YOU! NO POWER IN THE WORLD WILL STOP US FROM BEING TOGETHER!" The river swooshed loudly and dramatically in response to his emotional cry.
Then he calmed himself down. At the moment, his fishy lover needed his compassion and not his anger for his last moments on earth. He sang mournfully, "Swing low... Sweet chariot-"
SNAP!
The brakes of the squeaky stroller gave up from the weight of wet explosives stuffed inside by the hamsters along with the fish head. It started moving away from in downhill. "LANCE!" he cried in horror and shot off to catch up with the speeding pine box containing his beloved's remains.
Heavily-laden trolley with the open coffin squeaked like a runaway shopping cart, flying past a few other village people, who were equally surprised to see one of the village elders dressed in drag. It rolled faster and faster through the village.
He frantically followed the trolley down mainstreet.
I spy...
It had been a minute or so for them to throw up after Kuyouh's offer of rat. Still reeling from those nausea-inducing moments with the alien, everyone felt very listless. Haruhi didn't feel like pursuing their investigation at all. That stupid alien ruined! she thought. Right all she felt right now was do something to pass the time.
They discussed among themselves about what they should do to that effect. They thumb down a few proposals such as this:
"I can make a Charlie Chaplain impression," Kuyou suggested.
Haruhi shot a look of annoyance and resignation at the alien. "How do you intend to that?"
"I've a dead slug as a brilliant false moustache," Kuyou explained, holding up a matchbox.
"Yes, it's only quite brilliant, I fear," the goddess replied with lukewarm enthusiasm, "how, for instance, are you to attach it to your face?"
"Well, I was hoping to persuade the slug to cling on, Haruhi," was Kuyou's answer.
The goddess was getting a headache from this. "Kuyou, the slug is dead. If it failed to cling on to life, I see no reason that it should cling on to your upper lip."
Yeah, they shot down Kuyou's already dumb idea. They've decided on I Spy. Most of them anyway. Kyon and Itsuki were playing Othello while Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Sasaki tried their hands at bridge and Kyouko was sitting at a corner, reading her nasty yaoi doujins. It was rather unusual to see the cheese eater had finally gotten over her craving for smoked cheese but it wasn't commented upon by anyone.
"I spy with my little eye," Kunikida said, looking behind Fujiwara, "something beginning with 'F'."
"Faggot," Fujiwara replied sarcastically.
"Well, not correct but close enough," the background boy piper. "Try again."
Fujiwara fumed as he tried to come up with an answer to this annoying game. "Uh, fungus," he replied.
"Wrong. It's firewood. Better luck next time." Fujiwara kept his mouth shut at that, feeling pissed. Kunikida shouted, "Hey, guys, anyone wanna give a try?"
"Oh, how about me?" Taniguchi raised his hand eagerly.
"Okay, your turn, Tani." Haruhi simply rolled her eyes.
The playboy turned to Kuyou and began, "I spy with my little eye... something that begins with 'M'."
Kuyou then begin to think aloud. "Errrmm..."
Taniguchi joined in humming, coaxing her to guess her answer, "MMM..."
"Erm..."
Taniguchi bobbed his head at the direction of Haruhi's Best Brigade Leader mug in effort to get Kuyouh to answer.
"Mmmm..."
Haruhi was annoyed by Kuyou and Tani's humming, which kept her from concentrating on her card game. "MUG!" she cried angrily.
The playboy cheered, "Oh, I say, well done, Haruhi. Your turn."
Haruhi sighed in annoyance, realizing she can't concentrate on backgammon any longer. She joined in with as much eagerness as a Gulag inmate, "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with `T'."
"Breakfast," replied the alien excitedly.
Haruhi was nonplussed. "What?"
Kuyou, explained, "My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage, and a egg with some little soldiers."
The goddess stifled a groan over this. "Kuyou, when I said it begins with `T', I was talking about a letter."
"Nah, it never begins with a letter; the postman don't come 'til 10.30."
Haruhi was furious at her mind being chipped away by the useless logic of Sasaki's alien. "Gah! I can't go on with this." She stood up. "Tsuruya, take over."
Sasaki was also getting headaches from this. She deadpanned, "Haruhi, the more you ignore her the better."
"Whatever, just get her to shut up."
Tsuruya replied happily, "All right, sir. Erm, I spy with my little eye something beginning with `R'."
"Air." Kuyou yet again.
Again, it irked Haruhi for nth time ."For God's sake, Kuyou! `Air' starts with an `A'. He's looking for something that starts with an `R'. RRRrrrrr!"
"Yamaha Motorbike."
The tsundere's eyes went wide open. "What!?"
"A motorbike starts with a-" she imitated starting a bike- "`RRRRRrrrrrrrrrm! RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr–'"
"All right, right, right, right," she cried. She sat down grumpily. "My turn again. What begins with `Come here' and ends with `Ow'?"
"I don't know," the alien said innocently.
"Come here," she said threateningly. Kuyou got closer and Haruhi punched her in the face, knocking her back.
"Ow..." she moaned on the dirt floor.
"Well done." Haruhi smirked with satisfaction. Sasaki and Kyouko laughed at the dumb interface.
Outside, the running of the coffin was reaching its climax. Kimiyoshi frantically tried to keep up his beloved, struggling to keep his veil on, his high heels clacking down the dirt path as the trolley squeak faster and faster-
It finally rammed a large root of a tree, catapulting the coffin into the air.
"LANCE!" he cried hysterically. "NOOOOOOOO...!"
Back inside...
Tsuruya laughed a hearty laugh on the poor aliens predicament. "I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, to be honest, sir. I tell you what, let's try another one. Erm, I hear with my little ear, er, something beginning with`C'."
"What?"
"Coffin," Fang-tan quipped.
"A coffin?" Haruhi blinked her eyes twice at that nonsense of an answer.
"Of course. Listen carefully," she said matte-of-factly. Everyone became silent as they perked their ears up. They heard a strange whistling sound.
"Ah, yes," Haruhi agreed in a deadpan tone. The coffin crashed through the camo netting-
KAAABOOOMMMM!
A huge mushroom cloud erupted from the clearing, sending debris flying all around. Kimiyoshi stood there and gawked at the devastation wrought by his beloved's casket and the fact it hit a camp site. "Oh shit..."
The bunker was now a smoking crater, pieces of wood and equipment scattered all about. The inhabitants of the bunker emerged from the smoking with singed and torn clothes under a rain of smoking pieces. They hacked and wheezed as they struggled to get up.
"What the- eh-eh-eh-fuck," Sasaki hacked as she frantically looked around.
"Sasaki? Sasaki!" Kyouko rushed to her goddess's side. "Are you alright, my lady?"
"I'm fine," she snapped back as she got up. "What about the others?"
She got her answer from the loud coughing and bitching from the crater.
"SMOKED CHEESE!" Tsuruya ranted. "SMOKED CHEESE!"
"I'm okay," Taniguchi said like a drunk and raised a shaky hand from the ground.
"I'm fucked up but I'm up," Kunikida joined.
Back in the crater, Kyon was curled up like a ball, his pupils reduced to the size of raisins as voices echoed deep inside his mind amidst the whirring of the rotors, thunder of gunfire, and the chirping of the alarms: "This is Hotel-Nine-One! We are going down in Sector Bravo Tango-Seven Niner, mayday mayday!"
"You still with me Davis? Davis! talk to me!"
"Shit, they're comin'!"
"We're going under."
Kyon laid there with gritted teeth, breathing and sweating heavily, his arms around his head as though to shut off the sounds he was hearing. Itsuki was next to him and after seeing Kyon, crawled away from as fast as he could. He got to the edge of the crater and was greeted with a fish skull crashing into his head.
Haruhi finally got up herself and coughed loudly. Sasaki turned to her, "Haruhi, what was this all about?"
Haruhi finally found her voice to speak after coughing. "I think they were trying to kill us." She saw Kimiyoshi in the distance, who promptly backed away into the woods.
-Allo Allo theme plays-
A/N: I must acknowledge the use of the Spanish love song Sin Tu Amor by Alacranes Musical. With other projects around, I may not know if I can cook up one in time for Halloween. By the way, did you like Kuyou's cunning plan? Oh, don't forget to leave reviews.
At the Sonozaki mansion...
A loud scream broke out from the bedroom of Onibaba. Keiichi rushed to the distraught form of Mion.
"Keiichi! Quick, quick!" she screamed, grabbing him. "Onibaba's dying! We must do something!"
He replied with a smile, "Well yes, of course. Some sort of celebration!" He then softened his tone, "But let's wait until she's actually snuffed it, shall we?"
But the salad-haired girl said sadly, "Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working."
At the bed the nurse was doing her best to revive Onibaba, but from the way she was doing it and at the angle Keiichi's looking, it might have look she was humping Oryo's corpse, giving the appearance of "life". "Come on, little tummy," she pleaded.