We're All Ugly Inside Anyway Chapter 16: Schizophrenic Conversations, a Wizards of Waverly Place + Camp Rock Crossover fanfic

A/N: I'm just gonna leave this here. I use several songs in this chapter. The songs that are used for Demi's journal entries are called "Snuff" by Slipknot and "Landing In London" by 3 Doors Down. Selena's letter contains lines from "The Way I Loved You" by Selena Gomez. Last but not least I also used the song called " Walking And Thinking" by Ra. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's pretty heavy and hopefully it shows you where this story is headed. Follow me on twitter! AViolentEmotion

I needed closure. I needed you to walk through that door an tell me why you couldn't just stay sober. I need you to tell me why you keep leaving me. Why do I have to be the one that's always wondering? Why? As I sit here trying to find the courage to write you a letter you may never read, I still find myself feeling guilty. Why does my heart still long for you? I know that I want to be with Taylor. She has stayed with me while you have dissappeared. She has always been a constant in my life. You have been in and out as you please, leaving me damaged and alone. She loves me and I love her. I really do.

My hands shake as I touch the pen to the blank sheet of paper. I take a deep breath and start writing.

Demi,

As I write this, I have no idea where you are. You have vanished without a single word. I have no choice but to let you go. Its hard Demi. Letting you go is making me feel so cold. I've been trying to make believe it doesn't hurt. That only seems to make it worse though. Since you left, I've been a wreck. I'm tangled up inside and my heart is on my sleeve. It doesn't feel good at all. If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me. You were supposed to take care of me. I want you to know that I have found someone else. I am in love with her and she asked me to marry her last night. I said yes. It too late for us. I'm sorry. I will always love you. You were my first love. I always hoped you would be my last love. I can't do this anymore. I can't live half a life. I'm sorry.

Selena

I folded the single sheet of paper and stuffed it into an envelope. I had to remind myself to breathe. I inhaled deeply and let out a long shaky breath. There was one last thing for me to do. Deliver the letter. As I drove to Demi's house, I hoped that maybe she would be there. I knew that the odds of that actually happening were slim to none. I just desperately needed closure. Maybe I just needed to see her one last time before I said goodbye.

I walked up to her front door and knocked. I had called her assistant ahead of time so she knew to be expecting me. Once she answered the door, she allowed me inside. I went into Demi's recording studio and placed the letter on the surface of that damn piano. Seeing it caused my throat to constrict. That damn thing was like kryptonite. I really needed to stay away from it. I wiped the tears from my eyes and turned to leave. As I walked by her assistants office I could hear a voice that I recognized singing. I peeked in the office looking for the owner of the voice, but she wasn't there. Her assistant was listening to something on her computer.

"What are you listening to?" I asked startling the woman.

"It's a rough cut of a song that Demi emailed. She's been having me store them for her until she gets back." She answered.

"Would it be ok if I listened to it?" I asked.

"I don't see why not." She replied. "You're bound to hear it eventually." She stopped the track and started it over. I listened to the guitar and closed my eyes as soon as her voice filled my ears.

From the air I see your loneliness
You carry on despite your fear
Inside a box you keep your sanity
And it will never seem clear to me

Over the hills the light it flows it shows the angels laughing
Where is the love that we're supposed to find
Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind

A simple spell cast is broken through
The force of life decides to bend
You lay below the sacred stormy skys
And you will write the end for me

Door close and I will be denied
A dagger thrust into my chest
You claim yourself to the victory
But it is I who will rest in peace

When the song was finished, I couldn't move. I didn't even realize I was crying until Demi's assistant, gave me some tissue. She smiled sadly and went back to working. I left her house feeling even more confused. How am I going to do this? Every time I'm near her or anything that belongs to her, I go right back to missing her. We have a child together. How am I going to marry someone and not be constantly torn between the two of them? Is it even possible to love two people at the same time? How do I know which one I love more?

When I got back home, another package from Demi had arrived. I frowned. I was kind of feeling like I couldn't get away from her. She always had horrible timing. Apparently she didn't even have to actually be around for this fabulous trend to continue. I grabbed the package, tore it open and started to read the pages.

All this time I spend away, I'll make up for this I swear. I need your love to hold me up, when its all too much to bare. When the night falls in around me, and I don't think I'll make it through, I'll use your light to guide the way. All I think about is you. If this keeps me away much longer, I don't know what I will do. You've got to understand its hard life that I'm going through. I hope I'm hope I'm not too late...

I continued to flip through the journal. It was difficult to figure out what entries were song lyrics and what her actual thoughts were. She seemed to be blending the the two.

If you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. You can't destroy what it isn't there. I don't deserve to have you. My smile was taken long ago. If you still care don't ever let me know.

I stopped at that entry. It upset me. Why couldn't I just make up my mind? I want so desperately to move on. In some ways I already have. It's like there's this little part of me that wants her so bad. I have moments where I feel like I'm completely over her and then there's moments like these. Moments when the only thing I want are her arms around me. I want to bury my face in her chest and breathe her in. I want to hear her voice telling me she loves me. It's times like this, I feel so weak. I feel so alone. It's almost like I'm addicted to her. I know she's bad for me, but when she's good I am so happy. She's so up and down. Sometimes I wish I could just cut out the part of my heart that cares for her. The part that loves her. Maybe I'm just foolish. I'm pretty sure the whole damn thing is attached to her.

The longer I think about her, the angrier I become. She did this. She did all of it. She's been doing since we were 16. There's a darkness in her that I have never been able to completely illuminate. She's been unfaithful to me, she's lied, she's been drinking and using drugs, she even physically hurt me. It was only once, but that single incident left me afraid of her. That was something new. I was mostly afraid for her. Afraid her destructive behavior would leave her dead. I had never been afraid of her. That was something else entirely different. I always knew I was safe with her. Now I have no idea, and it breaks my heart. Why was it so easy for her to break my heart? One would would think that the shards were beyond repair by now.

Taylor. She's picking up the pieces, not you. She is here with me every night. She stays no matter what. You run. The bottle. Cocaine. Another woman. It doesn't matter what it is, you run to it. Sometimes all three at once. I never see you running to me. I know now that I am not enough. I never have been and never will be. I gave you my whole heart, and you broke it. I'm taking it back and I'm giving to someone that will take care of it. I'm giving it to person that has been picking up all the pieces. She has slowly and carefully pulled me out of the wreckage that you left. With her I am safe.

I hear the front door open and hear Stella's little feet running on the hardwood floors.

"We're home!" I hear her call out.

I head downstairs to greet her. Taylor smiles when she sees me.

"Hey babe." She smiles and I give her a kiss.

"You guys are gross." I hear Stella groan. Taylor and I both laugh.

"Did you guys have fun?" I asked my daughter.

"Yes. It was awesome. I can't wait until we go back." She squeeled.

"You look tired." I said to Taylor.

"You know how much I hate flying. It's exhausting." She yawned.

After putting Stella to bed, Taylor and I sat and caught up. She had spent the weekend in New York with Stella. She told me about their trip and everything that they did. Once she finished telling me about their adventures, she told me she wanted to work on a couple songs. I went to the kitchen and got her some coffee. I entered the music room and watched as she sat on the floor with her guitar. She leaned over to the side and started scribbling notes into a notebook. She looked like she was concentrating hard. I sat the steaming mug down next to her and she smiled her thanks. As I walked away I took one last glance being me. Instead of Taylor, I saw you, you had your hair in a messy bun and you were chewing on the end of a pen. You take your glasses off and let out a deep sigh. You start to write and hum as a smile spreads across your face. I close my eyes and will the memory away. I've made my choice.