The Emancipation of A Moe

A/N: Hi, guys. This is Anime Borat. This was originally the largest chapter in terms of words that I created, publish due to the pressure of the 2014 Christmas Season, my last work of that year and my Christmas gift. However, I realized that most readers lack the time to read that mouthful of a chapter as it originally was. So now, I not only chop it in half but also revise some segments that felt lacking. How long is this chapter? It's freakin' 14,868 words long, my friends! I must have two or three readers that way and I heartily apologize for that.

Without further ado, I present to you, my readers, illicit alcohol, revenge, and an aesop about intimidating mentally-unbalanced anime girls.

Sacred moonshine…

(The Wicker Man[1973] OST - Corn Riggs by Hobby Horse & Tarring plays, sung and performed by ENOZ...)

In the pleasant early afternoon the summer sun shone down on the village. The birds chirped from the branches or flew through the summer breeze, the higurashi sang their strangely calming melodies, the mosquitoes sucking blood and spreading their malaria and West Nile, and flowers blossoming brightly adding color to the already fluorescent carpet of green that swayed gently. Just as the Brigade hurriedly left the Sonozaki estate Mikuru and Rena were walking up the Furude shrine, the latter bearing a basket of apples. The moe asked her friend, "Rena, what's with the apples?"

Rena turned around to face Mikuru. "These are for Oyashiro-sama."

"Uh, okay," Mikuru chirped.

Dramatic pause and atmosphere change.

(Corn Riggs stop, Higurashi OST - Kazashi plays)

Then Rena thrust her face close to Mikuru's in violation of personal space, eyes locked in contact in point-black range. "These are the offerings Rena gave ever since he demanded it." She referred herself in her usual third person mode.

The moe asked curiously, "Why is that?"

She then explained in a calm voice, "Rena hears him walk behind me each and every day. One night while Rena was bringing back groceries, he whispered to her, 'Feed me apples'. So she did. Ever since then, she brings him apples whenever she could." Through it all, the whole scene was creepy – and hot – as the two girls continued to smile despite the nearness of their faces or how their locked eyes widened in a disturbing manner. Okay, fanboys, time for wet dreams/nightmares of two hot anime redheads.

(Kazashi stops, Misao OST -3 Bright Outside plays)

"Wow, that's nice," Mikuru commented, brightening back the atmosphere. "How about we get some blessings while where at it?"

"Oh, great idea, Mikuru," Rena chimed cutely. They stood in front of the altar and the short-haired ginger laid her basket on top. Then they made their prayers.

Rena prayed reverently, "Oh Oyashiro-sama. I wish me and Mikuru would stick together forever and ever with Kenta-kun. And Keiichi to stop touching himself when he's all alone." Rena imagined the fun they'll have together, walking together around the village; play games with the Games Club; making Keiichi and Satoshi wear girly outfits if they lose; kidnapping Rika, and maybe even Satoko when they act or do cute things; watching Tokyo Mew Mew and Visions of Escaflowne.

Mikuru prayed as well, "I wish that me and Rena remain inseparate from each other. I want Kyon to get rid of Haruhi Suzumiya for good so we can make her a love slave." Mikuru wished revenge for all the mistreatment she had suffered in the hands of that goddess bitch. She had been humiliated, costume raped, groped lecherously, posed around like a camslut, made to act in her crappy amateur "productions", more costume rape, made to get drunk, and finally more cos-rape. There was that one time that Haruhi attempted to drug her with some aspirin. Really, Haruhi? Aspirin? Can't you find yourself a good dealer? Well, enough of that and let's go on.

As soon as they departed, Rika popped out from behind the altar like a forest critter.

(Bright Outside stops)

"Yay. More apples for me." She took the basket from the altar and retreated back into the shrine. She stopped and laid the basket on the floor. Then Hanyuu appeared beside her.

"Hauu~," she wailed. "Rika, we don't have time for this. We need to go out there and try to find out about what Frank Cotton was doing here with the Lament Configuration."

"Keep your knickers on, Hanyuu," Rika bit back with her other voice, one that's deep and mature. "Start the machinery, will you?"

"Hauu~." The girl faded away to nowhere.

Rika lifted up a trapdoor to reveal a set of stairs. She then took the apple basket with her and opened a cupboard that revealed a dumb waiter. She placed the basket inside and closed the door. She turned the set of stairs and descended down the darkness. Rika then clapped her hands twice to light it up, revealing some apparatus underneath the shrine, which included large barrels made of imported Spanish oak and a copper still.

The dumb waiter automatically activated, dumping the basket's apples into a stainless steel trough, the fruits tumbling down into a strainer where running water washed the apples clean. The water stopped and the strainer tilted to its side to dump the fruits into a basin. Rika picked up the basin and started sorting the fruits on the table. "Hmmm… Let's see," the miko muttered. She picked up one apple and examined it. "Apple butter." She tossed the fruit to another basin. She took another. "Apple cider…" Then a third fruit. "Apple brandy." And the cycle went on until all the fruits were sorted. "All done."

"Hauu~," Hanyuu wailed as she appeared. She then said sternly in her rather cute voice, "Shame on you, Rika, for your moral irresponsibility. Making me scare villagers into giving you apples and other produce so you can run an illegal moonshine operation. And you don't give a damn about what's happening around us."

"Don't forget the apple butter and cider vinegar," Rika added.

"Oh yeah, that's right." Then she realized that she was waylaid, "Hey, wait a second! You're trying to sideline me." She put on her most angry pout. "Rika, I'm appalled by your petty profiteering and your callous disregard of the danger threatening the village."

Rika retorted pointedly, "And you think I make a lot from being a maiden of the Furude Shrine. How do you think I was able to afford all that wine in the fridge?" The donations made to her shrine were small fish compared to what she made from her under-the-table business. "Besides, practically everyone in this village is engaged in illegal activities. The Sonozaki family's illegal card games; Kimiyoshi's fish sticks; Satoko's traps and IEDs; Keiichi's Murder-for-Hire; and Mion's lolicon doujins. I mean we account for the country's entire domestic production of marijuana and magic mushrooms, for your sake. And the only legal business here that's profitable is Crazy Shion's Hardware House and it's just a front for laundering cash."

"Oh right~," Hanyuu said embarrassedly, an awkward smile on her face. Then she looked concerned. "But that still doesn't mean we should just ignore the recent incidents. I mean we got ourselves a demonic Rubik's cube and you have half a dozen nosy teens searching about the murders and Frank Cotton. To top it all we have an entire town from middle America here on a goodwill tour. The stakes have risen dramatically, Rika. Hauu~."

"I know that," Rika replied obstinately, "but do you think an illicit racket runs by itself?"

"I guess not," Hanyuu mused.

"Besides, we have time to kill," the manipulative miko continued, "pun thoroughly intended."

"So, if we finish making the apple moonshine we could go on investigating?" the ghost-thing girl asked excitedly.

"Yes, my dearie," Rika answered amiably.

"Yay! That's my-"

"So we can have the Lament Configuration appraised for its value and sell it on Ebay for thrice that."

"... Rika," Hanyuu moaned in disbelief. Her eyes went blank at that point. She stared at Rika like a lifeless dummy.

"What?" She frowned. "Don't give me that look. With the proceeds I can buy expensive wine from those 17th to 18th century Baltic shipwrecks." All that alcoholic goodness made Rika shiver in sensuous delight.

"Instead of investing your money here on Hinamizawa?" the goddess asked sadly.

"No. I've been here for over a millennia. You think I want spend two more here?"

"Well, no," the goddess replied sheepishly. "But are you gonna invest in?"

"Hmm, how about upgrading my moonshine racket into a legitimate business?" Rika mused to herself. "First, I need to squash the competition on my way."

"Okay, speaking of which, I learned that the people of South Park are coming here again," the cute goddess.

"Oh, that's nice but we haven't had made proper preparations yet for Watanagashi," Rika protested. "It's still a few days away."

"Well, some of them want to see how it's getting along."

"What are they expecting?" she snapped patronizingly. "It's a festival. It's supposed to a surprise. It's not like we have anything to hide." She slumped on her chair in her deviously-hidden underground distillery and food processing plant.

"But what if they learned of the murders?" Hanyuu asked.

"Oh, bugger," Rika muttered. "It'll be Tony Blair all over again, coupled with American moral outrage, this is gonna heat up faster than a solar flare."

"That's why we need to act now," Hanyuu said urgently. "If one of them turns up dead on the festival, it'll make the Cuban Missile Crisis look like Springtime for Hitler."

"What the hell are we supposed to do?" the miko asked pointedly. "Announce to them like 'Hey, everybody! Welcome to Hinamizawa! The murder capital of Japan! Bring your kids! Where gonna have a bloody good time!'" She snorted. "I doubt it."

"Then we should try to do it a little more subtlety," Hanyuu suggested. "We should pass a warning to one of the American tourists and help them watch out for suspicious activity."

"Subtlety?" Rika brightened, stroking her chin in thought. "That could work." And frowned. "Unfortunately, subtlety and Americans don't mix. They wouldn't know it, even if it hits them in the face with a spiked mace, sprayed tabasco sauce on it, and covered it with ants."

"We should pick one of them, I guess." Hanyuu's eyes brightened cutely, at last having Rika move forward. Then the computer on her desk warbled. On screen her Facebook chimed, "You have a message." Rika then clicked on the message counter. The message was chainmail calling for support of President Obama's war on ISIS and support for regime change for the sake of displaced Syrian refugees.

"Like that's gonna happen," Rika muttered sardonically, knowing how US foreign policy constantly screws people. Then she clicked on the person who sent it. She then read the profile and a smile lit her face. "Perfect."

The Asskicking of Haruhi Suzumiya by the Moe Mikuru Asahina...

The dazed bunker occupants got their wits together to survey the damage and ask questions about what the hell happened.

"Man, that was the biggest boom I heard since Taniguchi tell me vividly about his lurid fake conquests," Kunikida spoke up after dusting his shredded uniform.

"Gee, ya think!" Fujiwara snarked back, stretching his limbs.

"A-ah-ah, man," Taniguchi croaked after coughing. "Whoever thought that coffin was loaded." Innuendo as usual.

"Helluva lot louder than Tsuruya snoring," Kyouko quipped.

"What did you say!?" Tsuruya blurted angrily.

"You sing like an angel," a smiling Kyouko flattered sweetly without guilt.

"Why, thank you~," the green-haired girl chimed, showing how short her memory span was with insults.

"You schnooze like a rusty buzzsaw," she added tactlessly. Tsuruya threw a punch but Kyouko jumped out of the way and got Kuyou's jaw instead.

"It's the villagers, I knew it!" Haruhi cried back, recovering her genki persona. "I saw that old man from the lake in the treeline. Bastard was dressed in drag."

"Yeah, I think I saw him too," Sasaki replied.

"What are you saying?" Kyouko said worriedly. "Drag queens are out to get us?"

A loud dry moan sounded startled them and they saw a man with a fish skull for a head sprawled on its stomach.

"AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!" they all screamed collectively, huddling together to keep away from the fish-skull face from reaching out to them.

"Get away from me!" Haruhi shrieked, sending her foot flying upward into the monster's chin. It knocked the figure off the ground and back into the crater.

"Get him!" Fujiwara hollered hysterically and everyone jumped the creature with a yell, beating its ass on the ground.

"Go away, you creep!" Sasaki cried, kicking it.

"Yeah, like she said!" Taniguchi stomped creature in the stomach.

"Don't you dare touch my Sasaki!" Kyouko yelled, trying her best to rip its arm off its socket.

"Take that! And that!" Haruhi shouted between punches. Then Taniguchi kicked its face in the jaw, Kunikida was wrestling the figure down. Fujiwara had it in a headlock and Kyon… he's still grappling with his PTSD in the crater floor, recalling all those fun times he had in Russia, Latin America, and South East Asia.

"Hey! – *Ah*! – It's me- *Off*!" Itsuki frantically shouted, trying to break free to shield himself. "Stop it-! *Argh!* Cut it out-"

"Tsuruya kick!" LOL Fang-tan's foot gave him a proper uppercut, sending the fish skull out of his face. Everyone abruptly stopped beating his ass soon as they realized who they were curbstomping, much to their confusion.

"Itsuki?" they all exclaimed. The esper only moaned in response.

Minutes later, Itsuki was patched up with some first-aid by the other members. By this time Kyon had recovered from whatever trauma he was experiencing and Yuki returned with the other girls and after a brief and frantic explanation of their predicament, the lavender-haired alien used her powers to restore the bunker occupants' wardrobe back to normal. Kuyou offered to use her powers but they all rejected that vehemently, not wanting to know the effects.

"Something happened at the Saiguden?" Haruhi replied astounded as they debriefed the Ryoo Gakuen girls.

"Yes, that's what the witness told me," Miyuki replied.

"Awesome!" the goddess gave her a thumbs-up with a whistle shriek, kinda like Konata. "Good job!"

"Hey, what's the Saiguden?" Itsuki asked.

"It's some sort of shed near the Furude house," Miyuki explained. "Apparently, it used to be the shrine before they changed it."

"Shrine?" Haruhi perked her ears up. Finally, a juicy tidbit that could get their investigation going. "That means we know where they keep their dirty secrets! Awesome, Konata!"

"Okay," the otaku chimed. "When do we start?"

"We can start tonight. I'll personally handle it myself." She smiled broadly, proudly putting her hands on her lips.

"You, personally handling it yourself?" Sasaki asked with skeptical eyes. "That's a first since you put all your dirty work onto Kyon's back."

Haruhi glared at her counterpart. "Really? If you're so better than me how about you tag along then?"

Sasaki rolled her eyes. "You want me to be an accomplice in your long list of misdeeds? Breaking and entering seems to be your specialty, alongside blackmail, extortion, public indecency, theft of school property, embezzlement of school funds, libel, and the lists goes on and on. The Brigade would be popular with law enforcement as a result."

Haruhi let out a laugh. "Since when did you get so high and mighty? You're surrounded by a bunch of psychopathic freaks." On cue Fujiwara and Kyouko waved their hands with a smile. Then Haruhi noted, "Except for Kuyou. She probable hit her head on a satellite on her way to earth." The long-haired alien looked visibly confused.

"Like I said before," Sasaki retorted, "I don't control their actions or their lives."

She looked at her with a stink eye. "You're committed to the Brigade, and you're being insubordinate again."

The other goddess refused to be intimidated. "We could always back away."

Konata's awesome senses tingled. "Oh my gosh, a cat fight for real. Let's make bets." To Konata, nothing was more entertaining than a fight loaded lots of potential sexual content.

Kagami groaned, palming her face. "For the love of Howl's Moving Castle, Konata, stop with all this inane nonsense."

Itsuki then intervened again, "Ah, both of you. I don't think fighting each other is gonna get us anywhere." The two goddess stared each other down, then Haruhi calmed down.

She sighed. "Alright. If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself."

"That's the spirit, Haruhi," Itsuki flattered like the asskisser he is. "You're being a good leader."

She smiled eyes closed at that. "Great, I want to come with me tonight."

"What!?" the esper cried, his hair turned white. This caused everyone else to snicker at his misfortune.

"That's right, Koizumi," Haruhi added excitedly. "I need someone I can trust to handle this situation."

"Okay, Haruhi," he moaned sadly. He felt his life was about to cut short any moment.

"That's it for now," Haruhi said with finality. "Well assemble at the hotel at fifteen-hundred hours..." She heard some laughter coming to their direction. It was faint at first but it slightly louder. Someone's coming and Haruhi's eyes narrowed into slits at the recognizing the voices.

"It's them...," she breathed to herself, her hands twitching as her anger slowly rise. "Graah!" She then zoomed off in a cloud of dust towards the source of the noise.

"Hey, Haruhi!" Itsuki cried. "Wait up!" They ran down to catch up to her.

Mikuru and Rena were walking down the road, giggling loudly. They were discussing about the Desperate Housewives episode they saw last night. They were talking how Edie Britt died, which they think was funny. Then they noticed a faint rumbling and looked up to see a tsundere rushing like a linebacker.

"Mikuru!" Haruhi cried, charging towards them like a bull, then skidding to a stop. "There you are. I need to tell you about what just happened."

"About what?" Mikuru asked in a cold yet chirpy voice, her eyes narrowed.

Haruhi sensed that Mikuru sounded different, like she had some backbone. She put that aside and continued, "The bunker. They tried to blow us up while we're inside!"

"Oh, shame," she replied casually. "Sorry to hear that Haruhistan's gone. I'm even more sorry that you're still alive."

"What?" Haruhi blinked her eyes twice, trying hard to believe what Mikuru just said. The village just made an attempt on her life and the redhead just shrugged it off? "Mikuru, are you listening to yourself?"

She replied haughtily, "I can hear just fine, Haruhi. And I think that nothing can change you, even near death experience."

The goddess felt irked by the redhead's answer. "Dammit, Mikuru! These psychos tried to blow us, I repeat, blow us up!"

"Why should it matter to me?" What was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon walk turned into a confrontation between a moe ex-slave and her former master.

Haruhi sensed something different with Mikuru's voice but was otherwise unperturbed. "This village isn't what it seems. Oh sure, they look nice, simple country folk but these damned Satan-worshipping hicks have been murdering people since time immemorial and we just happened to be among the latest on their hit lists."

Mikuru scoffed. She heard that rubbish before in a million different forms, none terribly from each other. "That's what you advertised the whole way from North High to here, just like when you flashed my ass across the internet. If you want mystery and adventure to spice up your life, I suggest you go to Poland and prove to the world that the Holocaust and Katyn Massacre were hoaxes and conspiracies." The thought of Haruhi being brutally killed by Holocaust survivors and relatives of the Katyn victims brought a smile to the moe's face.

"I will if I have time," Haruhi flippantly replied. "But that's beside the point. You are an SOS Brigadier and as your Brigade leader, I order you to comeback."

"So what? Back to being be molested everyday by you again and serve tea? So you could have me slut around in your borderline porn site?"

"Oh, about that," Haruhi said, chuckling embarrassed. It was her own "private" venture. "I was just garnering international support for our club. It's not actually porn. It's fanservice."

"That's so sweet," the moe said mockingly. "You'll do anything for your club. Which is an extension of your ego."

Haruhi could feel her temper rise. "Watch your tongue when addressing your Brigade chief, Mikuru."

"I don't have to," Mikuru spat back. "I quit." The rest of the gang groaned mockingly.

The tsundere's eyes popped open at that. "What!? you can't quit now! We're in the middle of the biggest case of the millennium and it's all-hands on deck. I need everyone, and I mean everyone, to bust this racket wide open."

The moe clasped her arms and snorted. "All the more reason to quit the Brigade with my senses and whatever is left of my dignity."

"Why?" she retorted pointedly. "Why would you want to desert us for this place?"

"Why not, Haruhi? It's the only sane thing for anyone for my position to do, especially when someone here is nice to me." Mikuru gestured widely with her arms. "There's more to life than boredom and the edge. There's more to this village than its sordid past or shady dealings, if there's any." At this point Rena gushed fifty shades of rose pink with a smile. "But you just don't see it, do you. You're so full of yourself when dealing with other people-"

"That's true," Sasaki piped in.

"Hey!" Haruhi snapped at her smirking counterpart.

"-that you see nothing else. It's all about you. How about Kyon? How about Yuki? How about Itsuki, oh wait, forget about him."

Itsuki thought to himself as tears "waterfall-ed" down his eyes. No fair, Mikuru.

"You manage to drag everybody's lives down with you, probably ruining a good portion of them for your selfish schemes. Name one thing that you're done that's even remotely good? And for someone else."

"Your titties, for one," Taniguchi saucily suggested to Mikuru.

She ignored it and went on, "And everything we do is never good enough for you. And does it even matter? After that, it's on to the next pointless adventure, without even a word of thanks. And for everyone else, you immediately accused Rena of being a vicious killer. I think she's the best friend anyone can ask for and you want to destroy that by slandering her home? Haruhi, you've done enough. You don't know true friendship is about, what it means to have someone who cares about you. Because without it life is truly a meaningless existence, especially for you." Here you go. Let's have a round of applause for Mikuru Asahina's award winning speech.

Haruhi's mouth slackened at this. "Oh my... I can't believe it... You're taking the perps over us, the good guys?"

"'Good guys', huh?" Mikuru cocked an eye at that. "You're delusional."

The goddess went on, "You think Rena wants to be your friend? She's just molly-cuddling you so she can use you for a virgin sacrifice on the upcoming festival."

"Ha, ha and ha," Mikuru spoke coolly. "Really, if there's anything I learned about staying here, the SOS Brigade sucks ass, and this village is probably the most wonderful place in the world, compared to the clubroom."

That statement pressed Haruhi's berserk button. "The Brigade doesn't suck, you ungrateful, disloyal strumpet!"

Mikuru then made a mocking imitation of her former master, "I AM Haruhi Suzumiya. I have no interest in ordinary humans 'cause they're so boring. I made a club that does insanely stupid stuff called the SOS Brigade, which stands for Screwing the world by Overloading its brains with Haruhi's Stupidity, filling the globe with happy tidings of terror and corruption so I can rule it as a queen." She let out the sweetest smile she could muster with the same freaky wide, catlike eyes as Rena's. This made her, in a creepy, uncanny way, look like she was the shorter-haired ginger's elder sister. Koizumi crapped ponies at that.

Haruhi was stiff with anger. "Y-y-you dare mock me?" she was shaking in rage now, everyone can see it.

Mikuru was inwardly satisfied at seeing the unflappable and capricious Brigadefuhrer close to boiling point. The moe made yet another mocking gesture, this in awe of apology, cooing, "Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Suzumiya. You're so easily hurt from the mean, nasty criticism from others. Did the big-boobed redhead bimbo hurt your feelings? Ohhh~, that's okay. Mommy's gonna fix you a nice glass of milk spiked with all the prescription medications that you like such as Prozac and heroin-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, MIKURU!" Haruhi snapped angrily. "I'm gonna teach you a lesson in respect that you won't forget. You'll be wishing you wear maid outfits when I'm done with you." She launched into a tirade about what she'll do to her that put will Fifty Shades of Grey and all the TMOHS doujins to shame.

"Wow," Rena exclaimed. "You're right about Miss Suzumiya. She's a depraved bisexual genki jerkass."

Haruhi's eyes exploded in anger at that. "Did you say that about me behind my BACK!?"

"I can say anything what I want," Mikuru spat back. "It's a free country. And I mean, come on. Someone seriously has to be completely braindead to think it's completely okay to let you off with your countless schemes, misdemeanors, felonies, and, legal violations."

The goddess looked very dangerous. "You're so gonna get it." She was about to roll up her sleeves when the esper dropped by her side.

"Suzumiya," Itsuki quickly whispered into her ear. "I think you should just calm down and give her another chance. She's one of ours after all." She held her arm for good measure. "She's supposed to be the damsel in distress, remember?"

The tsundere goddess seemed to simmer down. Itsuki reminding about that Mikuru was supposed to be in her murder mystery solving tour appeared to be the trick. She composed herself and cleared her throat. "Okay, Mikuru. We're friends. I want you to come back to me, uh, I mean us and you'll be a lot safer."

"You know, Suzumiya?" Mikuru replied crisply. "I elect not to."

Haruhi was taken aback this defiant remark. No one defies Haruhi Suzumiya a second time and gets away with it, especially not her moeblob! "Mikuru," she threatened, "you're coming back with me whether you like or not!"

"Really, huh? I'll leave on my own accord, Haruhi."

"Ha!" Haruhi scoffed. "Really. The only reason why you can talk back to me is that you have Rena with y-" Mikuru jabbed the goddess's mouth with her fist, sending her back to the ground, much to the horror of the SOS Brigade.

"Oww…" she moaned and staggered back up. "Why you-" Mikuru grabbed her and gave her a knee to the stomach, earning more horrified gasps from her former comrades as well, surprisingly, Sasaki while Yuki's sounded like air slowly leaking out of an inflatable boat and was about as expressive as a mannequin. Not surprisingly, Kyon didn't gasp like the rest of the Anti-Brigade.

"Oh yeah, fight, fight, fight!" Kyouko cheered, hopping up and down.

Haruhi attempted to straighten herself up. "That's it, Mikuru! I'm through screwing around!" Screaming like a cute psycho Haruhi charged at the moe with all her worth, her arms extended like pincers to pounce upon the moeblob. She yelled to the top of her lungs as Mikuru stood still, seemingly stoic in the face of the rushing tsundere. Everyone tensed up as they watched in horror the resulting bloodbath that was about ensue. Haruhi's face turned to manic joy as she got closer to the moe.

"Mikuru!" Itsuki cried. "Get outta-"

The moe flashstepped to the side. In a split second, Mikuru extended her foot on Haruhi's path, causing the Brigade chief to trip, the tsundere's face going from joy to shock in an instant, her big eyes locked on a tree trunk getting closer-

THUD!

Everyone's jaws fell down in amazement. Here in front of them the singularity occurred: the tsundere goddess Haruhi, who ruled with an iron fist and lots of genki, was defeated by the someone they saw as a sweet yet spineless bimbo. The entire scene almost short-circuited their minds. It does not compute! Yuki Nagato made a copy of the whole scene so she can send it to the Data Overmind for further analysis.

"Ow...," Haruhi moaned and clutched her head. Getting up she struggled to stand but she walked listlessly trying to keep her balance. She almost fell had it not been for Kunikida and Taniguchi catching her. The boys took the dazed goddess away as Rena clapped happily.

"That was wonderful, Mikuru," she cheered. "You slayed the dragon." The Anti-SOS Brigade openly chuckled at that, seeing that Haruhi was too dazed to respond. However, Tsuruya skipped towards the redheaded duo and stood in front of them.

"Mikurus," Tsuruya drawled, "we really gotta, gotta get outta heres."

"Why?" Mikuru asked, wondering what the greenette wants. "What for?"

"This place has no smoked cheese and these hicks wants to kills us," she cried desperately. "The sooners you comeback the sooners we can go home alive and have a fondue."

Mikuru mused a while at and then gave her answer, "I'm not interested. You clearly can go on without me."

Tsuruya looked visibly appalled. "You really think you wants to stay here in Mogadishu?" She pointed to a sincerely-smiling Rena waving her hand.

"Yes, I do." Mikuru crossed her arms with finality.

The green-haired girl became angry. "I thought you were my megas best friend, nyoro."

"Heh, some friend you turned out to be," Mikuru quipped acidly. "You practically pimped me to Haruhi. I don't know anyone else who do such a thing besides you."

Offended, Tsuruya snapped, "Me? All I did for you was to get you to join a stupid club so I cans get more smochi." The truth was revealed finally. So Mikuru was turned over to Haruhi by her so-called "best friend" just for a basketload of diary products? It was the final straw for Mikuru. For so long she had been oppressed by Haruhi and now she felt all the anger that nestled cutely inside her system ready to erupt. As for the cheese eater, her comment about the Brigade being stupid fell on the dazed Haruhi's deaf ears as the LS girls struggled to dragged her away.

She lashed in a way that showed the full force of her anger. It started subtly though. "Oh... I see. You're beyond selfish and greedy. In fact... YOU ARE THE MOST MORONIC HUMAN BEING IN THE FACE OF THE EARTH! YOU'D SELL YOUR MOM TO A PACK OF SEX-STARVED HYENAS JUST FOR A WEDGE OF EXTRA SALTY DONKEY CHEESE!"

The insult produced the obvious reaction and to say Tsuruya went mad with rage is an understatement: Tsuruya went Super Saiyan ballistic on Mikuru! She exploded into a bright, fiery ball of energy, her ki the color of green. Dirt clods fly as the earth trembled and Tsuruya screamed like a banshee on hemorrhoids. The rest of the Brigade backed off as Tsuruya was building up power to obliterate the moe three million times over.

"Wohoo!" a sunglasses-sporting Konata cheered for seeing a real-life, anime-style energy flare-up for the first time. Everyone else wore goggles found in nuclear weapons tests to shield their eyes.

Now Tsuruya was primed and ready, her screaming becoming more epic and her ki spiked up in a way that made DBZ characters proud.

And Mikuru seized the chance to throw a lowfat yogurt and a celery into her open mouth.

At that moment, Tsuruya choked as the health food shot into her throat. She started choking violently and became unstable, her ki an erratic, fluctuating lightshow, kinda like a disco ball. And with a violent, nail-grating cry, she erupted into a deafening flash of light, prompting everyone to shield their eyes. She then floated for a while, then dropped to the ground and started to wretch violently to get rid of the offending objects until the spittle-covered yogurt and celery shot out of her mouth.

After that was seeing the fanged girl on the ground, curled up in a fetal position. She looked like Itsuki after being stun-gunned, wide, fixed eyes with an open mouth.

"Tsuruya," Taniguchi asked hesitantly, "a-are you... alright?"

Her response was a loud burp and her eyes twitched. No one knew what to do.

"Is she dead?" Sasaki finally asked.

Miyuki bent over and checked her pulse. "No she's not. She's still breathing."

"I think we should beat a hasty retreat," Yuki suggested tonelessly. "I don't think any of us are in any position or inclination to convince Mikuru to come back to us at the moment."

"Yeah, we should just bug out," Itsuki agreed. Haruhi can be heard moaning at the background.

"Let's go then," Kunikida piped in, still helping Haruhi up. The gang called it a day and left the field to Rena and Mikuru, who then skipped happily back to the former's house. This left Taniguchi alone as he turned right and left to see that everyone was departing rather quickly.

He then sighed sullenly in resignation. "Oh, man. I've got to drag her ass again." He rolled his sleeves and proceeded to pick up Tsuruya. She then dragged the rich girl with a huge forehead down the dirt path, face forward and bouncing on the rocks.

Don't feed the yanderes...

Shion entered the lonely clearing in the woods. She clocked out of work early after a second phone call, which instructed her to go to a phone booth to pick up a map, which led her to where she was right now. The wind rustled against the branches of the surrounding trees, leaves gently flying about, cicadas cried and birds chirped. Shion tensed herself like a predator on alien ground. There was something un-kosher about picking up shady phone calls in the middle of work and being led to this lonely place. What bothered her more was that she's in the receiving end of this unwanted invitation. If there's anybody who springs surprises, it's me! she cried mentally. She had to be careful especially if this was just an innocent prank – so she can later kidnap the pranksters in their sleep and take them back to her Happy Fun Fun Underground Torture Chamber. That devilishly delightful thought was awesome but she still had business at hand.

"Okay," she called out. "I'm here. Show yourself." Nothing. She looked around. Then her nose caught a scent. It wasn't anything like a woodland smell. "I know you're here so get out!" She was starting to think who the culprit is. That auburn slut-

"Hello, Shion," a girlish voice called out. She spun around to see a bunch of girls coming over from the shadow of a large tree. The one up front was a brunette whose hair was tied in a pony tail. She strutted like a peacock among its harem of peahens, or better yet, peabitches. She was clearly the leader. She was with three other girls who followed her out then flank her.

Without even a hint of cordiality Shion spoke brusquely. "What's this all about? Who the hell are you?"

The leader or alpha-bitch smiled. "Shion," she cooed. "You looked upset. Anything wrong?"

"Yeah, why you pulled me away from work?" she asked sharply.

"How about some introductions first," the first girl said. "My name is Otome Katou. And the one to my right is Minamo Obuchi."

"Hi, Shion," Obuchi said with a smile and tone that meant nothing friendly.

"And here to my left is Natsumi Koizumi." She gestured to the girl on her left, giving the same poisonous smile.

"And Kuni Mori." On cue, Mori emerged from behind Otome.

"Oh, really," Shion said contemptuously. A bunch of teen girls who obviously came from the city right here at this neck of the woods. "Are you lost or something? The camping grounds is over by the next town."

"Oh no, Shion," Otome went on, "we've come to the right spot. And now you're here, we shall begin our hobby."

Shion looked at her warily. She kept in control. "What hobby?"

"Crushing other girls and stealing their boys," Otome replied haughtily.

In reply, an incredulous Shion let out a loud, hearty laugh, which caused her bust to bounce a bit. "Wha-hahahaha," she chortled, wiping away a few tears from her eyes. "W-what kind of a pastime is that? Aren't you a little too far from school for that?" The green-haired girl was brimming with confidence.

"Well, we have been practicing internet bullying for quite some time," Otome continued, not dropping her smile. "Now, we decided to spice things in our summer vacation."

"Ha?" Shion mused contemptuously.

"There's a handsome blond boy in this locality," the queen bee replied. This time, Shion frowned warily.

"Really?" she asked skeptically.

"That's right," she piped. "His name's Satoshi and I really want to meet him. He's such a cutey~." She took out a picture of the blond boy and passed it around to her friends, who promptly cooed as they looked at him.

Shion's eyes dilated into slits. "That's my boyfriend." She snatched the pic cand rumpled it.

"Oh, congratulations," she continued in her mocking coyness, eliciting giggles from her posse. "Let's shake hands to that-"

Shion slapped the hand away and said in a low, threatening tone, "No thanks, you little tramp. I want you to leave this instant."

"But we just got here," she pouted. "Besides, we just want to meet him."

"SATOSHI IS MY BOYFRIEND!" she snapped hysterically. "He's mine and mine alone! You tramps can't have him!"

Otome and the girls looked taken aback, then the queen bee smiled. "I see. But does he want you?"

She was puzzled instantly. "What do you mean?"

"Silly Shion, you're very popular in the 'Net." Otome then took out a stack of photos, which Shion snatched. Checking the pictures, her expression turned to shocked disbelief. She couldn't say a word, merely uttering choked stammers as she flipped through pic after pic after pic of lewd content. Especially of her doing things that clearly screamed of Rule 34.

Right Behind You(Team Fortress 2 OST) plays...

She finally said haltingly, "T-t-t-this i-is l-l-last year's A-Angel Morts employees Christmas party- But it was a mainly girls' party-"

"Nice, right?" She casually took back the photos. "We did a little tweaking with Photoshop and Danbooru."

"We had so much fun doing it," Natsumi added.

"Wow, I didn't you were that flexible," Obuchi joined in.

Otome Katou looked down at Shion like a bitch from a shoujo manga. "Look's like Satoshi's gonna have a broken heart when he sees this. Fortunately, we can mend it back again~."

"WHORES!" Shion snapped back, her eyes dilating freakishly. "Satoshi will never believe you! He'll never be yours."

"Well, you can send your porno collection to everyone else in your little shit village." Otome's eyes glinted. She went on with her saccharine voice, "What will your friends think of you? Your family, your neighbors? Man, who knows what they do on this backwater villages these days. Gotta love conservative rural culture in a already patriarchal society. Ruining lives is never so satisfying." The other girls giggled in agreement.

At this point, Shion breathing heavily. Her arms shook subtly as the switch turned unbelievably for the worst. The girls were trying to blackmail her to get to her beloved. Then an evil thought hit her. "Who... Who put you up to this? Mikuru!?"

(Right Behind You stops...)

Otome was puzzled. "Huh~? Who's Mikuru?" Then she remembered it. "Oh yeah. She's the wannabee harlot who starred in The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina. A crappy, cut-rate production if you ask me. Made by this wannabe Spielberg named Haruhi Suzu-something. Who cares, she's a slut." The girls' laughter was even more raucous.

Suddenly, this all made sense. She's really after him! she thought angrily. Mikuru was indeed after Satoshi. Not only that, she brought in her skanky friends to partake in her conquest just to rub it on her face. Her face contorted as she thought back with increasing clarity. Now it was clear.

"Wow, I can see the despair leaking out of that tough front of yours," Otome said with her smarmy smile. "So what's it gonna be? Your pictures or your boyfriend?" Either way, I'll still screw you, Shion! 'Cause I'm a bitch!

The demon inside her awoke. She smiled - creepily - with her bangs darkening her eyes. "How about a magic trick?"

A/N:, And Mikuru finally rebels against Haruhi. Yes, there is really shipwreck wine, coming from sunken wooden ships in Europe. Apparently, the extreme cold temperatures and high water pressure keeps them remarkably well-preserved for more than a century. Consequently, they fetch astronomical auction prices. Mikuru's segment is named after the movie The Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Also mentioned there is a thing called donkey cheese. In Serbia it's called Pule Cheese and is the most expensive fromage in the world because its source is a rare breed of donkey called the Balkan donkey, a herd of a hundred are found in the Zasavica Reserve, Sremska Mitrovica, Serbia, and is coincidentally smoked, just like how Tsuruya would have wanted it. Otome Katou and gang did not get a proper comeuppance in School Days, both the game and anime, so I had them meet probably one of the most violent yanderes in anime history, Shion Sonozaki. Her last quote was the Joker's from The Dark Knight.

Up next would be South Park sequence, which be released shortly after undergoing some revision.