Chapter 3: Escape from the Shadow Hog
"Bengaaaali…Bengaaaaali….Bengaaaaaali…Benga_"
"What?! What, WilyKat? I'm right here! What?" The irritated white tiger snapped at the cub.
WilyKat smiled innocently. "We're over the River of Despair, Bengali."
"Rrrraow! That isn't funny Kat. This is my first time piloting the hover-cat, so I need to concentrate."
"Aw, lighten up, Bengali. I'll walk you through it. It'll be a breeze." The cub assured him, leaning back casually. "We'll practice landing in the meadow of fertility. Turn left eight degrees."
Bengali gave him a thumbs up. "You got it."
"Mayday! Mayday! We need assistance! Somebody, please come in!" Ro-Bear Bill's voice crackled over the communicator.
"This is Thundercat Bengali-"
"And WilyKat."
"Here. We read you, Ro-Bear Bill. What's the trouble?"
"Vultureman has been sited in our Berbil fruit fields." The Ro-Bear Berbil informed them.
"Vultureman." WilyKat spat his name coldly. "He didn't set fire to your crops testing out a new war weapon, did he?"
"No. He's just…" Ro-Bear Bill paused. He wasn't sure how to word this without sounding ridiculous. He figured it would be best just to spit it out. "Eating."
"Hu?" Bengali and WilyKat exchanged peculiar glances. "Hold tight, Ro-Bear Bill." Bengali instructed. "We're on our way."
Bengali landed the hover-cat just outside Ro-Bear Bill's hut (fairly smoothly for his first attempt, but he had no time to pat himself on the back).
Ro-Bear Bill and Belle ran up to the young Thundercats. "Oh, thank goodness you're here!" Ro-Bear Belle hummed a sigh of relief.
"Where's Vultureman?" asked WilyKat.
"Still near the bread fruit last we checked."
"Don't worry. We'll chase the old buzzard out." Bengali assured them, twirling his hammer over his fingers before placing it back in its holster. "Lead the way."
Ro-Bear Bill lead them along a path of discarded half eaten Berbil fruit. WilyKat kicked a core aside. "What's Vultureman doing to your Berbil fruit, Ro-Bear Bill?"
"I'm not sure. He's been here since early this morning, eating. Well, he never actually swallows any of the fruit he picks. He just takes a bite, coughs it back up and picks another fruit…and every so often he keels over and vomits. Poor bird."
"Poor bird?" Bengali raised a brow at the mechanized bear creature.
"He looks really sick." Ro-Bear Bill explained. "We tried chasing him off with our stun darts, but he just squawks profanities at us and keeps eating."
"There he is!" WilyKat pointed towards the field of candy fruit bushes.
They ran up to him, ready for a confrontation. "Get out of here, mutant!" Bengali ordered, grabbing Vultureman by the shoulder.
"CAW! Piss off!" Vultureman hissed venomously, elbowing Bengali back a step in the chest. He plucked another candy fruit off a branch. "Must keep eating…Must find something that doesn't taste like bird intestines…"
WilyKat cocked his head. "How do you know what bird intestines taste like?"
Without answering, Vultureman tossed the candy fruit in his beak. He shuddered as the chicken aftertaste offended his tongue. He lurched forward and hacked it up.
Bengali and WilyKat backed away a step, holding their noses shut, unable to stand the powerful stink of his vomit.
"Awwwwwk! DANM IT!" Vultureman cried, slamming his fist on the ground. He crawled over to a meat fruit bush and plucked the plumpest one to taste. "Caw! This doesn't taste so bad…" He glanced over at a wooden sign hammered into the ground. It read "Meat Fruit; Poultry Strain" Vultureman exhaled a half sobbing "CAAAW!" to the sky. "So this is it? Awk? I'm cursed to eat nothing but chicken and meat fruit? I can't live this way!"
"Rroaw- Enough!" Bengali grabbed a fist full of feathers and ripped them off his back.
"AWK! OW!"
"We're not kidding, Vultureman! Get lost!" WilyKat ordered.
"Don't make me slam this upside your head." Bengali warned, tapping the head of his hammer in his palm.
"NO!" Vultureman refused.
The Thundercats grabbed his arms and began to drag him away. Vulturman managed to jerk one arm free and with it elbowed WilyKat in the temple as hard as he could. WilyKat fell to his knees, barely conscious.
"Hey!" Bengali retaliated by punching the bird in the back of the head. "Pick on someone your own size, scavenger!"
"Caw! With pleasure!" Vultureman landed a lucky, but solid sucker punch to the white tiger's face.
WilyKat stood on his hands and knees, shaking his head to clear it. He looked up to find Bengali and Vultureman in a shoving match. "Oh the hell with this!" The cub sneered as he climbed to his feet. He reached into his belt for a pepper spray pellet. "Oh come on! I know you're in here…Ah ha!"
The cub held up the pellet triumphantly, but before he had the chance to chuck it at Vultureman, a black warthog with glowing red eyes came charging at him from out of nowhere. "Whoa!" he cried as he dove out of the way of the stampeding warthog.
It rammed right into Bengali and Vultureman, knocking them off their feet. Snorting, the warthog circled them. WilyKat stared in horror as Bengali and Vultureman was engulfed in a thick black cloud. He ran to Bengali's aid, only to find both his fellow Thundercat and Vultureman had disappeared into thin air and the warthog with them.
"Bengali?" WilyKat called to him, looking about in all directions. "Bengali…? Bengali?!…"
Seconds later, Bengali and Vultureman rematerialized in a strange barren desert. They watched, puzzled as the warthog snorted at them, then ran off into the blood red horizon, leaving a trail of black smog behind it.
"Caw! What did you do, Thundercat?" Vultureman grabbed at Bengali's throat.
"What did I do?" Bengali cried, shoving the buzzard off him. "What did YOU do?"
"I didn't do anything! H-how did we get here? Caw! What's going on?" Vultureman looked around at the dry, cracked earth covered in jagged rocks that seemed to impale the stormy clouds above. "Are we somewhere in- awk- dark side, maybe?"
Bengali sniffed the air and gagged. "It looks a little like dark side, but I don't remember dark side smelling like old bacon and pig farts." He turned around, squinting towards the horizon. "Look!"
Vultureman's eyes followed the white tiger's finger. Below a hill stood a tall, menacing domed stadium of some sort. It looked as if it was made out of half-rotted pork chops, bacon and ribs. The entrance way was carved to resemble a misshapen hog's jowls. Four pink marble pig statues holding spears were displayed in front.
"What do you make of it? A Tabbut temple?"
Bengali shrugged. "Maybe." He started to walk towards the piggy structure.
Vultureman followed. "Where are you going?"
"To ask whoever's in there where we are and you're not allowed to come with me!" He added, pointing.
"Awk! You can't tell me where I can and can't go, Thundercat!"
"How do you plan to stop me?"
"Caw! Like this!" Vultureman marched towards the structure with his head held high.
Bengali growled an expletive under his breath. He didn't have the energy or patience to argue with the mutant. They came within three feet or so of the marble pig statues when a giant pig-humanoid creature drifted out from the entrance. It's long, tattered robes seemed to dance behind it, fading upward into the air like black flames. It was followed out by ten other, bulkier pig-like beings in full battle armor.
"Halt!" The pig creature boomed, holding up a hoofed hand.
Bengali and Vultureman stopped. "We come in peace- or at least I do." He flashed Vultureman a nasty look before continuing. "We're lost. We were hoping you could tell us where we are and how we may get back to the Berbil village."
"The Berbil village does not concern us, kitty man-thing. I am the Shadow Hog, guardian swine-demon of the realm of the Shadow Hog!" The pig creature introduced himself. The holes drilled in his spiked steel helmet/ shoulder plate flashed a hot red glow as he spoke. "I am the one who transported you here and I will not allow you to leave until we have retribution."
"Awk- Retribution for what?"
"You, buzzard…" The Shadow Hog spat, pointing an accusing hoofed finger at him. "You have disgraced the blessing of the Shadow Hog with your vile tongue of poultry! Did you really think we would allow such an insult to go unpunished?"
Vultureman shook his head, confused. "I never insulted you! Awk- I've never even seen you people before. Okay, I've robbed a tabbut or two, but-"
"Ah, the Tabbuts." Had the Shadow Hog's jowls been visible, they would have formed a smile. "Now they are a race of beings who appreciate the blessing of the Shadow Hog. The infinite taste of pork went unappreciated in the days first earth and the magic was lost in the dark, lifeless days of second earth, but on third earth, The tabbuts worship me as a GOD and revere the holy flavor of swine!"
"Wait…? Are you referring to my inability to taste nothing but chicken?"
Bengali raised a brow at the buzzard. "You can only taste chicken?"
"An experiment that would turn you and the other Thundercats into mindless cannibals sort of backfired." Vultureman held his beak shut, kicking himself inwardly.
Bengali balled his fists, enraged. "WHAT?"
"Silence!" The Shadow Hog clapped his hoofs together.
Before they had any chance to react, the pig guards encircled Bengali and Vultureman and restrained them. They squirmed in protest, struggling to break free, but the giant pig were too strong and outnumbered them four to one.
The Shadow Hog approached them, face contorted in a scowl. "For mocking the blessing of the Shadow Hog, you will be slaughtered on the sacred stinking altar of stinking piggydom to appease the flavor deity of pork!"
Bengali exhaled a loud, obnoxious "HA HA!" at Vultureman's expense.
"And you." The Shadow Hog turned to Bengali. "You will scrub my filthy piggy toilet of filthy piggy filth and moisten the sloppy mud pits of piggy slops for all eternity."
"HA HA!"
"But I never insulted the taste of pork!" Bengali argued.
"We heard that crack you made about the shadow hog realm smelling like farts."
"Rraaaw…"
"To the altar!"
The Shadow Hog turned for the entrance. His guards followed him, forcing Vultureman and Bengali along with them. "WAIT!" Vultureman begged just before they reached the pig-jowl archway.
The Shadow Hog stopped. "What is it, blasphemous bird creature?"
"Is there no other way I can repent? No way to earn my freedom?"
The Shadow Hog shrugged. "I dunno. You have one in mind?"
Vultureman smirked. "Awk. Yes. I bet I taste much better than you. One lick can prove it. If I do taste better, you have to send me back to Third Erath and lift the curse of poultry tongue from me. If I'm wrong, sacrifice me."
The pig demon nodded, considering. "Very well, but what of your cat friend?"
"Oh, he's not my friend. You can do whatever you want with him."
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
"Very well. To the filthy pig filth toilets with him!"
A pig guard slapped a crown of toilet bowl brushes on Bengali's head and dragged him inside.
"RRAOW! I'll get you for this, Vultureman! I'll-" The door slammed shut behind the white tiger, silencing his vow of revenge.
"Caw caw! Whatever!" Vultureman waved the Thundercat goodbye.
"Let the taste trail begin!" The shadow hog motioned for one of his guards to approach him. The guard knelt before him in homage, presenting a silver fork. The Shadow Hog took the fork, sniffed it then dug it deep into his arm.
Vultureman cringed as the pig demon dug out a chunk of his own flesh and popped it into his mouth. The Shadow Hog chewed loudly, snorting with pleasure. "Exquisite!" He stated proudly after swallowing. "You are a fool to think your flesh can compare to the delicacy that is pork." He held the fork to Vultureman's chest.
"AWK! I said a lick!" The buzzard reminded him.
"Right." The Hog Tossed his fork over his shoulder. His guards held Vultureman up to him. He leaned forward and gave the buzzard's cheek a big slobbery lick. Vultureman cringed a little, but kept still.
The swine-demon paused, smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Everyone stared in anticipation. Vultureman crossed his fingers inwardly.
A single tear rolled down the Shadow Hog's cheek. "It's not possible…You are the most delicious thing I've ever tasted!" The pig demon dropped to his knees and bowed at Vultureman's feet.
The pig guards mimicked their leader. A chorus of snort-like chanting filled the air. Vultureman grinned smugly at his own genius. He suspected the pig demon would find him delicious, especially after eons of only tasting nothing but pork. No one can taste only one flavor and not get tired of it eventually.
"We had a deal, Shadow Hog. Send me home."
The Shadow Hog bowed again. "Thank you for blessing us with your poultry deliciousness. Future generations of pig demons will sing praises of you and build idols in your likeness."
"Yes, lovely. Now get on with it!" Vultureman urged.
"As you wish."
The black warthog reappeared out of nowhere and circled Vultureman, engulfing him in black smog once again.
Seconds later he found himself outside the Berbil Village just feet away from his sky cutter. After squawking a cheer of victory. Vultureman hopped on the sky craft and took off for castle Plun-Darr.
Meanwhile, at the Tower of Omens, Panthro and Lynx-O were in the middle of demonstrating the workings of the new brail board to Lion-O and WilyKit.
Suddenly, WilyKat rushed into the room, nearly in tears. "Lion-O- somebody, you have to help me! Bengali's disappeared! I can't find him anywhere!"
"What?" The others gasped in unison.
Panthro placed a hand on WilyKat's shoulder. "Now calm down, Kat. Tell us what happened."
WilyKat took a deep breath to calm himself. "Ro-Bear Bill sent us an sos saying Vultureman was causing trouble in their fruit crops and when Bengali and I tried to shoo him away this black ghost warthog rammed them and they disappeared in a cloud of pig gas!"
WilyKit groaned. Embarrassed, she held the bridge of her nose, resisting the urge to slap her twin.
"Kat, I appreciate the creativity, but this isn't funny."
"I'm being serious! Bengali and Vultureman disappeared into thin pig fart air! He won't answer his communicator! I don't know what happened to him or even if he's still alive!"
"Take a look through the Sword of Omens, Lion-O." L:ynx-O suggested. "It can't hurt."
"I'm telling the truth!"
"All right, all right." Lion-O agreed. "But this better not be a joke, Kat." He held the sword to his face and peered through the hilt. "Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight…Oh dear Jaga!"
"What? What's wrong?" asked WilyKit.
"It's Bengali…He's being held captive in some kind of pig ruled netherworld cleaning out toilets with his head."
Panthro sighed. "It wasn't funny when Kat started the joke and its not funny now that you're adding to it."
Lion-O lowered his sword. "This is no joke. We have to get him out of there. I hope this works…Thunder…" The sword of omens growled and grew as Lion-O waved it dramatically. "Thunder…Thundercats HOOOO!"
He held the sword to the sky, unleashing the Thundercats insignia. The cathead glowed, roaring for a moment or two, then out of the red light a silhouette of Bengali appeared.
The other Thundercats gasped, shocked as Bengali dropped to the floor from out of thin air, still wearing the toilet brush crown and covered in pig shit.
"Great Jaga!" WilyKit's voice became nasally as she pinched her nostrils shut.
Lion-O and Panthro helped Bengali to his feet. "Are you okay?" Panthro asked, patting him on the back.
"What happened? Say something." Lion-O begged.
Bengali coughed up a lung full of sewage. "I…I need a shower…and butcher knife…" He added with a vengeful growl.
Vultureman peeked around the doorway to the mess chamber. Slithe was nowhere in sight, so he entered. He spotted the dirty dishes still left on the table. He smiled. Vultureman could always count on his fellow mutants to not clean up after themselves.
He snatched the one remaining bagel off the tray and popped it into his mouth. He almost shed a tear of joy. It tasted nothing like chicken!
Then a horrible realization came to him. He spit the bagel out on the floor. "Caaw! Pork?! PORK?!" It was true. The bagel tasted like pork. "NOOOOOOO!"
Chapter End Notes:
a/n: Final chapter yay! Okay, in a way this is sort of an Invader Zim/ Thundercats crossover, but not really. Last chapter. Probably the stupidest Thundercat fic ever was written, but I had fun typing it. XDI never realized I failed to upload this last chapter. This is an old story, but worth the post. Hope everyone enjoyed.