A Powder Keg in The Woods

Author's note: This was the second part of the originally long Chapter 17. Here we have the people of South Park getting along with Mion and Keiichi until Haruhi spills the beans. Then we have a chosen one among the multitude, chosen by a manipulative little girl. Kudos to Joker-ZX for some corrections.

Fujiwara's a pundit...

The SOS Brigade observed from the edge of a crowd the whole scene. Hundreds of people assembled outside the village, people from half a world away fathering to take pictures and video footage of their mass vacation as they awaited for yet another tour to begin.

"That's a lot of Americans," Kunikida commented.

Fujiwara replied acidly, "I know that, Captain Obvious. Didn't you see them yesterday?"

"Well, we headed back to the hotel yesterday after that but I never bothered to look around."

"Still, that's a big turnout," Sasaki observed. Haruhi wanted to comment but couldn't as her jaw and ego were still hurt from her confrontation with Mikuru. She just crossed her arms grumpily, having finally recovered physically.

"In addition to our own hotel," Yuki cut in, "the people of South Park are lodged in several hotels, inns, and rented apartment buildings for the purpose of this trip to build relations between a podunk town in the beautiful state of Colorado and an equally backwater village in lovely Gifu."

"They must have some major funding for that," Kunikida noted. "Did they empty the municipal treasury or something?"

"Whatever it is, it's like tourist season on 'roids here," Kagami said. "I mean, sure, we got tour groups but a whole town? This not something you see everyday."

"Isn't that sweet?" Konata chimed beside her. "People from other countries basking in our culture."

The lilac-haired tsundere rolled her eyes. "Konata, Akihabara isn't the center of Japanese culture. There's more to it than that and there's a lot of serious people who want to visit places like this."

"Americans, pssh. Those fat gringos should go piss back home," the sneering bastard interjected.

"Fujiwara," Yuki said, glaring at the timeboy, "keep your disgusting right-wing views to yourself. You're what happens when we spliced Kyon's genes with that of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Nick Griffin, and Micheal Crichton. That makes you the most loathesome human being ever." Everyone else looked curiously at to Kyon, then to Fujiwara. They noticed some similarities.

"Now that you mentioned it, he's just Kyon with with bleach hair and a nastier bite," Taniguchi remarked cleverly.

"He looks like he came out of a SS recruitment poster," Kunikida added.

"My politics, my opinions, my choice," he replied with his smarmy prick face to the alien. "What are you gonna do about that?"

The alien glared at the smug right-wing psycho. Then she spoke, "I remember in two high-school essays of yours, first one stating Korea should be wiped off the map and made Japan's bitch; the other being that Japan adhered to the Geneva Convention from '31 to '45. It was well-received in your school but created an Internet backlash across the world, you were especially threatened with death from from the United States, Australia, and Great Britain but you received a prefectural award from the governor of Kyoto."

The timeboy just smiled on. "Is that it?"

"There's more. You also posted on a blog that Nanking never happened and global warming doesn't exist, you hold party memberships to the British National Party and the Golden Dawn in Greece despite being Japanese. You said that the West should enslave Africa again and you hold controlling interests in Haliburton, Chiquita Brands, and Japanese nuclear utilities."

This time his smile was nervous and he sweated. Everyone else took a closer look at him out of interest. "So what?"

"You were also involved in murdering activists throughout Latin America with the help of right-wing death squads, and you have close relations with the heads of the drug cartels, the Russian mob, the yakuza, and American oil magnates. You planned on bombing the Occupy Wall Street protests with the NYPD, NSA, and CIA. And last but not the least..."

Everyone gathered closer around the alien in suspense to what she revealed 'bout the already embarrassed timeboy.

"You were Silverio Berlusconi's former FaceBook lover. You met him in a lonely chatroom in one dark night over your mutual love for shota."

Everyone gasped in shock from that and turned to a stunned Fujiwara in disbelief. No one said anything until Sasaki blinked rapidly to get rid of her aneurysm and spoke up slowly, "I can't believe it... I let you into my house and you ate my cake and tea... We talked about the paradoxes of free will... You are a disgusting lowlife. Go kill yourself."

"Wow, you're an even bigger prick than I thought you were," Kunikida voiced his opinion, his face contorted in disgust. Everyone then left him to go further into the crowd.

Kyouko however placed a friendly arm around his shoulders and said, "Hey, cheer up, McFly. At least there's Kuyou. You're both a match made in purgatory." The long-haired alien looked totally dumbstruck as her name was mentioned. Suddenly, the timeboy felt the the urge to run to the woods and cry.

High noon(actually mid-afternoon) at Hinamizawa...

In the crowd itself, the boys jostled into the front by everyone. "Dammit, why the hell are we being pulled back here?" Cartman complained as usual. "I don't wanna see Slenderman again."

"It was your fault, Cartman," Kyle bit back. "You got us into this."

"My fault?" the fatboy bristled. "You were the one who manipulated me, you dirty Jew?"

"Damn it, Cartman," the Jewish boy cried, "would you at least take some responsibility for once."

The fat boy taunted, "Hah! That's what you said when you Jews set up Obamacare."

"And your mom's a whore."

Cartman's face turned red with rage. "Mah mom's not a whore!"

"Hey, guys, we shouldn't be fighitng each other," Stan intervened. "The last thing we want is Slenderman getting the drop on us."

Kenny mumbled, "(Slenderman's not gonna stop until he takes us back to his dungeon of terror. Last thing I heard, he took, he took Gary Coleman with him.)"

"That's right," Tweak shivered. "Who knows, he could be watching us, or even among us."

The boys shivered at that and got closer together. "Fuck this, man," Jimmy Valmer quipped. "We'd meet him for sure."

"Don't worry," Cartman said hopefully. "Someone online said that he's vision's based on movement. As long as we don't move he can't see us."

"That's a line from Jurassic Park, Cartman," Stan snapped. "That's not gonna work."

"Then we could always tell them where the Jews are."

"Enough of that Jew crap, already!" Kyle shouted at him.

"(Didn't somebody say that Slenderman's Zalgo?)" the hooded boy asked.

Again, a cold front of fear froze the boys in their tracks. Now their situation had gotten worse than before. In the shrine wasn't just the Slenderman. It was Zalgo! The idea that the villagers were worshiping a pedophilic cosmic evil haunted their minds. Then Cartman muttered, "Ah, shit! Fuck this trip. Screw you, guys, I'm going home." But as soon as the fat boy turned, the crowd pushed him and the other boys forward. After much screaming and jostling they found themselves at the front.

At the clearing came a green-haired girl and a brunette boy. "Welcome again, people of South Park," he greeted. "And it's a beautiful afternoon. It's a pleasant 21.5°C and we are about give yet another day of the Hinamizawa experience." Everyone clapped their hands. A magician of words indeed.

Mion then began her opening, "The Watanagashi Festival was an ancient ritual that dated back to Hinamizawa's distant past. It's draws it's name from the practice of cotton drifting on the creek which our festival will conclude. You see drifting cotton was used a means to for us villagers to cleanse our sins away and to appease our deity, Oyashiro-sama."

Everyone murmured at that new fact, especially the reactionary conservatives among the crowd. Others just took pictures and videos, some focusing on Mion and her large assets while others focused on Keiichi - and his crotch.

"Boy's got nice junk," Mr. Garrison mused. As Mr Hat, he quipped, "He sure does~. I wanna gobble 'em."

The greennette continued, "I would also like to add that it's not all fun and games in the festival. Centuries ago it was serious business. And when I mean serious, I mean Aztec human-sacrifice serious."

The villagers gasped in awe at Mion's hint. Haruhi just rolled her eyes. "Boring~."

"Your delivery could use some subtlety," Keiichi whispered to his partner's ear.

Annoyed, she ignored both of them and added, "In our language Watanagashi means cotton drifting. The Wata- prefix also means intestines."

Now everyone began murmuring seriously. Shiela said to herself, "Oh my, children shouldn't be hearing this."

"You see it's performed..." Rika got up on stage on Satoko's shoulders so she can match Mion's height. She then whispered something into Mion's ears. Listening, she cleared her throat. "Ah, I'm afraid that we'll have to skip the details on the procedure. All I can tell you it's not Grey's Anatomy and House."

"After that the ah..." she was struggled to come up with a term in lieu of internal organs, then it lightbulb her head. "The sloppy berries would be taken to river to be allowed to drift away with our sins and please Oyashiro-sama."

Flashback to the ancient past downriver, Hanyuu was seen picking guts from the river with a garbage collection stick and a black trash bag. "This is disgusting, hauuu~," she whined. "Doesn't anyone here know that medical wastes needs to be incinerated?"

Back to the present, the tsundere goddess crossed her arms. "Pffft! Just tell the truth already."

"Haruhi," Sasaki scolded. "We have old people here." She pointed to an old man nearby.

"It's a good day to die," Grandpa Marsh exclaimed aloud. "Any opening for euthanasia, Miss Greenhair with tits?"

Sasaki smiled embarrassed in the face of Haruhi's leer. The greenette ignored diehard grandpa and continued, "So, we went with the family-friendly option, ah, I mean alternative to that: instead of old people and dumb strangers everyone in the village would contribute old coats and furniture to the village to be gutted for their leftover cotton. Said cotton would then be sewn into a large effigy in place of a person, usually someone we didn't like at the moment. Last year, we did one with an effigy of Ron Paul."

Mr. Garrison thought, Now there's an idea."Could we have one of Barack Obama?"

"Well, we will have to ask the village council about that. Our preparations are already underway." At the moment one of the members of the village council had just changed from his funeral drag and began to mourning Lance once again like he was a recently deceased star.

"So? Any more questions?" Mion asked the crowd when some ear-piercing screaming startled them into facing the nearby treeline.

Popping out of the bushes were some screeching girls. It was followed by some terrifying giggling, which emerged the pursuer, a green-haired girl covered in red with a wicked smile in her smile, holding a weapon that seemed to made out of a sharpened human bone. She let out a blood curdling screech.

"Somebody help us!" one of them bellowed, pumping her legs for all their worth.

"Shion?" Mion said in disbelief.

"Oh no…" Keiichi muttered, sharing the feeling, "not again."

"Oh boy!" Haruhi grinned excitedly. "We just witnessed a violent chase involving hot girls to be butchered." At this point Tsukasa cringed and held Kagami tightly. Miyuki and Sasaki felt uneasy.

Itsuki looked apprehensively at his surroundings. Nothing ever seems right with this place the minute he got hear and it only it's giving away its secrets bit by bit, some of which he preferred not to know but he must rescue Arakawa. So far, all he had was bupkis.

"Oh man..." Kyon spoke in a low cryptic voice. "It's '68 all over again..." He recalled with frightening clarity the sheer terror and tension of his tour in the suck. Charlie in the bush waiting with his AK. The tunnels searching for him... Reznov... Khe Sanh with woods... Hue City... The defector! Dragovich, Kravchenko, and Steiner! All must die.

Everyone watched the girls shrieking their lungs out and flaying their hands(except for one missing an arm, with a stump sprouting red all over) in the air trying to get away from their demonic pursuer, rushing into the next treeline. Their hysterical cries can still be heard from over there until it faded.

"What the hell was that?" Mr. Garrison asked no one in particular. As Mr. Hat, he replied to himself, "I sure don't know, Mr. Garrison. Maybe some sort snuff film those perverted Japs bastards seem to enjoy."

Kenny's dad said to Shion, "Hey, Miss Sonozaki. That girl chasin' 'em looks just like you. Huge knockers and green ponytail."

Mion spun her head at that. Then she beamed nervously. "Uh…It's a coincidence. That's right! A coincidence." She let out her most sincere smile. "I don't think there's something wrong with that." Haruhi can only roll her eyes again at that.

"What's all that commotion about then?" Jimbo called out.

"Uh… Well, I think they're filming a horror film," Keiichi answered, hopeful grin on his face.

"Where's the film crew? Or the catering staff?" Ned asked in his electronic voice, hoping to snatch a few morsels of a snack.

"Uh… I don't know," Keiichi answered awkwardly, scratching his head in an effort to come up with an alibi. "Perhaps they're trying out a revolutionary film-making technique."

"What is?" Richard Tweak, the owner of Tweak's Coffee which tasted like rancid sewer water, asked.

"Uh, the trees and bushes are rigged high-definition WI-FI cameras watching every move. Now we can have a horror movie done gonzo-style." The boy smiled with some satisfaction.

Ned gave it a thought. "Makes sense."

"Was that real blood?" Tweak's dad asked, cringing.

"Of course, it's fake," Mion answered eagerly. "It's corn syrup with flour and red food coloring. That's how you get realistic fake blood."

"If they're making a movie, then how come we don't know about it?" Kyle's dad asked.

That question was a little tricky for the duo to answer as they didn't expect that. "Keiichi, what should we tell him?" she whispered.

"Tell what?" he answered silently. "That Shion is going yet another one of her psychotic mood swings? Like that'll fly." Then her cellphone buzzed with a text from Rika. It told what they should say.

Facing the crowd once again, the two teens beamed. Mion then spoke, "I don't but I think we just got an exclusive glimpse to a horror movie in the making. The cast and crew right now are in a secret location in the village."

"What? Where are they?" they clamored.

"Exactly, 'cause it's a secret." Keiichi smiled. "You know, back in the day George Lucas made Star Wars a resounding success due by tightening security throughout production. That took care of any spoilers."

"But he didn't have any internet to worry about," another South Parker pointed out.

"Well, times have changed and security in the movie industry is much better than security of secrets in the US intelligence community. Look what happened with Edward Snowden. He shared to world all you need to know about the NSA snooping on your private E-life." On and on they talked.

Haruhi evidently had enough of their bullshit. She was watching an opportunity slip away. Keiichi was working the crowd, bringing them away from sensing that something was wrong. She cried to the top of her lungs, "What the hell are all of you blabbing about!? Hinamizawa is not Aspen! It's not even the French Riviera. And there's no horror movie set either. HINAMIZAWA IS THE MURDER CAPITAL OF JAPAN!"

OF JAPAN!

Of Japan!

Of Japan...

"Of Japan, of Japan, of Japan, of Japan," Kuyou repeated, "of Japan, of Japan, of Ja-"

Kyouko, annoyed, smacked the alien with her pimp hand. "Shut up, dumbass!"

"What, what, what!?" Shiela cried in outrage. The townspeople reacted with surprised gasps and murmurs.

"That's right!" Haruhi cried. She then took a number of empty soap crates from nowhere and made an impromptu stand for her to perch up on. "The truth is revealed! Nowhere is this more insidious than in Hinamizawa itself! Every night on the Watanagashi Festival, someone dies or disappears. And you know why? The people here make gruesome sacrifices to their god Oyashiro-sama. They continue to do so today to appease his thirst for human flesh and blood. He might actually be an alien that have to sustain in order to have a bountiful harvest of apples every year. That and their criminal activity."

The South Parkers gasped in shock at this revelation. Mion's and Keiichi's face paled and contorted with horror at that revelation.

"Is this true!?" Shiela demanded of the tsundere. "Do you have proof?"

"Yes! It's traditional murderous cult central here. Each night on the festival, someone is murdered to appease their murderous god, Oyashiro-sama. You think it's just a thing in the past? Think again! And proof? Just ask them, they know all about it." The shocked looks in the Americans' faces told Haruhi that she achieved the desired effect of provoking a response. Then they proceeded to bombard a bewildered Mion and Keiichi with rapid questions.

"Is it true!?"

"What murders?"

"How could you do this sort of thing?"

"Is there a way I can get rid of my wife?"

Keiichi and Mion were at a loss on how to reply to this deluge of questions, becoming louder and more angry. Haruhi smiled smugly like she exposed a dirty secret about the school's homecoming queen. Sasaki snapped at her, "Did you have to say that out loud!?"

"Of course I have to," Haruhi replied matter-of-factly. "No better way of ratting them out like shouting the truth in the middle of the crowd."

"Don't you think about the consequences of your actions? You don't even take responsibility for them, do you?"

"Why should I?" Haruhi whined. "I have a brigade for that." She cocked her thumb to the rest of the guys, which included a weirded-out Itsuki, a twitchy-eyed Kyon, Taniguchi and Kunikida still helping a dazed Tsuruya up, Tsukusa looking blankly, Konata giving a thumbs-up, Kuyou and Kyouko scheming together, and Miyuki being cute.

Kagami joined in outrage, "What? Does that mean you us to clean up your mess!"

Yuki then pointed out, "Haruhi, you managed to provoke a hostile and confusing situation between two peoples. It could escalate to something more so we must make ourselves scarce."

Haruhi's eyes brightened. "And what? And miss the opportunity of the century? We can make headlines!"

"Yeah!" Kagami snapped. "With our mangled bodies on display on the front page." Everyone gasped in terror, except Konata, who winked with a V-sign.

"Oh no, I'm scared," Tsukasa mumbled, cutely bringing her hands to her face.

"Don't worry, Tsukasa," Yuki said comfortingly, bringing the moe's waist around her arm. "I'll be your side. And your onee-chan too."

"Piss off, dyke!" Kagami snapped at Yuki, pulling her sister away from her. Yuki frowned sadly

"Wow, Haruhi," Kunikida noted, "you're like a trashy tabloid reporter."

"I'm no tabloid reporter!" the Brigadefuhrer snapped proudly. "I aim higher!"

"Like Pulitzer?" the playboy asked.

"More than a Pulitzer! I, Haruhi Suzumiya, and the SOS Brigade intend to expose the longest-running murder spree that dates back to two thousand years! We're gonna blow this case wide open." She made a flamboyant pose with her hand pointed upward.

"Haruhi," Kyon butted in, "this place is gonna be hotter than the Ia Drang Valley napalm barbecue of '66. We might have to unass outta here before this turns into World War 3."

Haruhi looked at Kyon with wide eyes. "What? We're in the middle of something big here, Kyon. I can't stay here and watch by the sidelines. We need to get a scope of this-"

"Hey look, Haruhi," Yuki called, "I think I saw a Night Elf in the woods."

"What? Where!?" she asked excitedly, looking around like a hyperactive five year-old.

"Over there," the alien replied, pointing her finger to the tree line. The tsundere raced to the tree line, clearly wanting to meet the mysterious fantasy creature from World of Warcraft. The others followed suit. Kyon gave Yuki an approving wink. The alien responded with a blank face and a thumbs-up before they hopped in.

"I knew! I knew!" Father Maxi cried triumphantly. "I knew there was something unholy about this place, just like the rest of the country."

"And we didn't know it until now." Kyle's mom glared with a fiery temper at Mayor McDaniels. "Mayor, are you in cahoots with them?"

"No, that's not what I mean," McDaniels protested.

"Then why did you take us to this place?" That demand was joined with more jeering from the crowd.

"I thought it would be good for us to go to a place which is generally similar to ours," she explained. "Insular and generally conservative to start our cultural exchange. Very traditional and all."

"Tradition as in butchering people to appease their gods like the Aztecs!? In the 21st century!?"

"Well, I didn't even asked when they mentioned it," she explained. "I thought it was a thing in the past."

"Is that so? Then why did we just saw a spectacle of barbaric sadism a while ago!?"

The mayor was silent on that. And then tried to provide an explanation, "Ah... Game show prank?"

Unsatisfied, Shiela Broflovski stood up on a conveniently-located tree stump and shouted to the top of her lungs. "We cannot support a village that practices ritualistic murder today with our tourist dollars! How could anyone here feel safe if these villagers kidnap and murder people!? We have to protect our children!"

"YEAH!" the crowd hysterically, waving their fists angrily. Then Mayor McDaniels was alarmed by this turn of events and swiftly got in front of the crowd with her aides.

"Everybody!" McDaniels shouted to the top of her lungs to get her attention. "This isn't what we should be doing. We are here to open new horizons and relationships, not show ourselves as ugly Americans."

"P-Please, please, everyone," Keiichi hurriedly pleaded, still sweating with a smile. "There's no need to be violent. We've got enough of that from the last thousand arcs." He gestured with both arms at his partner in crime. "Hey, let's have Mion do a burlesque dance."

Mion's eyes shot fiery red. "WHAT!? Keiichi, you panty-sniffer! Don't you dare sell me out to save your own ass."

"Come on, Mion," he whined. "If we don't do something now, we're all gonna be living the streets after the whole town is destroyed."

"Yeah, provided they didn't kill gut us to death," she answered wryly.

"Oh yeah, good point," the perverted teen boy noted, "a rip-snotting bad to die but then again, we've been through worse."

"Mion and Keiichi!" Sheila Broflovski cried angrily. "You're not gonna weasel your way out of this one. Nothing on earth can keep you away from your punishment."

Before either of them could answer, the mayor intervened, "Ah, Mrs. Broflovski. We shouldn't jump to conclusions. Besides, it's rude to demand answers from our hosts like that, right?"

"Yes, that's right," Mion piped quickly. "But fortunately-"

"What? Just 'cause you're Japanese!? That doesn't excuse you of harming our children. Just like Chinpokomon."

"Oh, I like Chinpokomon," Keiichi replied with a delirious smile. "Especially with that section with Danbooru featuring them and hot chicks-"

"Shut up, Keiichi!" Mion snapped at him "We're not here to talk about your tasteless, perverted fantasies. We're trying to prevent them from destroying the village."

"No they can't but the government at Tokyo will," the boy pointed out. "They'll turn our village into Waterworld for sure. Hope Kevin Costner drops by." At the moment Kevin Costner, son of Cthulhu, heard this and immediately set course for Hinamizawa.

Before Mion could sigh in disgust or even have an aneurysm , Father Maxi went on, "This is what happens when we consort with the unbaptised masses. They lead you astray, they deceive us in a dance that leads you to Satan's black hole of hellfire. They worship Moloch, Baal, and Edward Cullen. You are not safe as long as we are on unholy ground!" The crowd began to roar like a thousand dragons, causing Mion and Keiichi to look around for a way out. Realizing that they may never get from the powder keg that was about to erupt, they huddled together in fear.

"This is it, Keiichi," Mion shivered, hugging him tightly. "We'll have to kiss our asses good-bye."

"Oh, Mion, you're so romantic when you're scared," Keiichi crooned with a lecherous gleam as his arms and hands felt her body. "Let's have sex right now."

"What!?" Mion's response to his suggestive tirade was to grappled him and lock his neck in anger, choking the boy; and he's flapping his arms in panick. Not that it mattered as the South Parkers drew closer to rip them apart.

"Let's hang 'em from a tree!" one cried out loudly.

Then a cry came out from amongst, voice clear as day, "STOP! Stop it all of you!" They stopped, including host duo, all turned to the crier, who was none other than Randy Marsh. "This isn't what we should be doing! We're here to have a good time and expand our horizons. Rioting against our hosts isn't gonna help us."

"It is when they present a menace to our children!" Sheila shouted threateningly. The South Parkers agreed boisterously.

"I know that, but we can't just jump in and point fingers at people whether it's China over its human rights record or Putin starting the invasion of Ukraine. What I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump into conclusions. We don't have the right to accuse anyone of something heinous as ritualistic murders and forced disappearances. It's how wars started. And we don't want our children to remember us for starting the next one."

After Randy's stirring speech, the crowd began to murmur among themselves, realizing that they were acting out control. Except Sheila.

"And what are we gonna do!? Let them off the hook? If we do not do something now, we only encourage them to continue on their brazen murderous behavior."

"But we will cast the first stone, just like Jesus said." This prompted the crowd to finally shut up. It hit them that they were acting like jackasses. Sheila was furious as she could not get the South Parkers to act in protection of their children against the barbaric villagers.

"Randy, it's one thing to have ultra-violent slasher flicks with titties in the cinemas but it's another to act them out in the real world. These people have been doing so since time immemorial! And that means they threaten our children."

"Look, we could just talk this over. Dialogue is always better over mindless mob violence in solving issues."

"But I want my mob violence," one of the South Parkers growled. It was followed by a chorus of "Yeah"s from everyone.

"Well, I need to do a little exercise with me," he suggested. " Inhale. Count to four. Exhale. Count to four. Now follow me." Everyone reluctantly agreed. "Now... Inhale..." The South Parkers sucked their breaths. "Exhale..." They sighed. "Inhale..." Repeat action. "Exhale..." And when it appeared that everyone appeared to sober up Randy announced. "Perfect, now let's get out issues in order."

"Thank you, Randy," Mayor McDaniels piped in. "I'll take over." He shoved him aside to take credit for his pacifying his fellow Americans. What a bitch.

"But Mayor, we need to talk this over-" he protested.

"Thanks, Randy, now get off." She knocked him over and her two aides grabbed and took him to the edge of the crowd.

The chosen one...

Randy Marsh was pushed at the edge of the crowd after he worked them over to keep them from rioting over the village's checkered past, with the mayor forcibly picking up the slack. She and her two aides were taking over the damage control. As he looked around he saw some blue at the corner of his eye. Turning his eyes to it, he noticed fluttering it lightly in the wind. Curiosity aroused, he approached it but as soon as he closed in with it, whatever it was flitted to another direction.

"Huh?" he muttered. He looked around and saw it again. It was a white fox face framed with long blue hair. "Uh, hey there," he greeted politely. "Are you lost?" The thing remained silent. Then it turned away into the woods.

"Hey, hold on a sec," Randy Marsh called out, not sure about that thing doing here. Following it into some bushes he appeared into a clearing. He looked around to see if he can find it. It wasn't around but that's not the only thing he noticed. Randy's eyes widened as he looked around at the change of scenery: what was supposed to be a mid-afternoon in the summer turned into a dim, gray overcast morning. What's more was that it felt deathly still, no sounds of life like the chirping of birds or the humming of cicadas. It was just static, like a theater set. Chill crawling down his back, Stan's dad gulped and backpedaled slowly to the bushes.

(Ib OST 6 - Inquiry plays)

From there he retraced his steps as best as he could. He reappeared at the village, only to see it as the same static monochrome as that clearing. Even worse than that was the whole environment was transformed into a 2D pixelated RPG Maker graphics (picture that). No one's around! Randy looked around frantically for any one face, anyone at all. He couldn't see his wife and kids. He couldn't see any of his neighbors. He couldn't see even the villagers. It's like everyone disappeared in a flash. Distraught, he tried calling out for them, "Hey! Where's everybody!? Anyone, can you hear me? Stan! Sharon! Shelly! Dad!" Whipping his head back and forth in worry, his legs began to move on their own accord, taking him wherever his troubled mind set course, as much as 2D graphics permitted.

He frantically went to the village, searching for them. He started to go to the nearest house when he heard an odd biting noise. He spun his head to see a blue splat on the tree. The head of the Marsh family examined the blue splotch on the bark. And in violation of common sense found in all horror movies, he was about to touch it when the splotch moved on its own, making him pull his hand away in fright. Randy backed away in horror as the splotch started forming words. After some hesitation Randy read the resulting message.

GO TO THE FURUDE RESIDENCE

"Huh? How do I get there?" Randy asked. The blue words then transformed to map of the village that resembled those mall maps. It gave him a guide the Furude house, alongside various other landmarks to stop by.

"Aw, thanks, haunted tree... ghost thing."

DON'T MENTION IT, MAN. GET YOU CASE OF BEER FOR THAT

Following the tree's instructions he went from the edge of the 2D map.. to another 2D map, this time he found the Furude house. He entered it and everything returned to normal graphics. In the living room he found it well-kept, if empty. Just then, the TV turned on by itself. He swung his head to it, all he could see was static.

"Oh my, I think I should get out of here," Randy muttered to himself, regretting following the tree's instructions.

TINK!

Something dropped on the floor. He looked down to see a shiny object.

"Oh~, a quarter," he chimed, completely forgetting the weird horror situation he was in. Before he knew it something booted his ass and sent him forward to the tube. With a yelp he was propelled into the television but instead of crashing it into many pieces, he was sucked through the screen.

BRZZZZZT!

(Ib OST 6 - Inquiry stops)

"WHOOOOAAAAAAH!" Randy screamed as he entered a multicolored spiral of light. The void seemed to be endless, spiraling in white light. Flailing his arms wildly, he regretted ever bending down to take that quarter until... He was still screaming when he hit the floor loudly. He moaned as he reoriented himself to his new surroundings. Blinking, he saw himself inside a dark interior. He could see night-blue scenery speeding out the window. Most of all, he was inside a car with an interior too wide to one, enough to accommodate a large table between two huge couches. Seated opposite of him was a blue-haired fox.

"Hello, sir," the mysterious masked figure greeted cordially.

"Uh, H-hello," came his polite if timid reply.

"Forgive my manners," it replied. The figure removed the fox mask. She was a little girl. "So for introductions I am Rika Furude and I am pleased to make your acquaintance." She sat down on the back seat across from Randy.

"U-uh, my name's Randy Marsh," he replied awkwardly.

"Why hello, Mr Marsh."

Randy looked around at his odd surroundings. "Where am I?"

Rika swayed her arms open as if to embrace the entire room. "Welcome…" she said theatrically. "To the Velvet Room."

"This is actually a limo," he pointed out, looking around.

"Aw, please, don't let get your panties in a bunch," Rika quipped, standing up. "It's for drama." She then sat back down, taking her glass of Chianti from the high-top coffee table. "Now do sit down before you fall down. Shocks are better absorbed with the knees bent."Randy awkwardly obeyed.

With both of them seated, the girl sipped wine, much to Randy's eye-blowing surprise. He could not believe a prepubescent female just downed it like it was iced tea.

Rika poured on a wine glass some Chianti. She held it out to him. "Drink?"

Randy could only stare incredulously the girl. "Gee, I don't know, Miss Furude. Don't you think you're little too young for alcoholic beverages? Not to mention being alone with a middle-aged man."

"Please, I'm not trying to take advantage of you. This is just to calm your nerves. What I have I will only say this once."

He looked uneasy. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "Don't let a good vintage go to waste. You liberals have good tastes." Randy blinked twice at Rika before reluctantly accepting the logic and his glass of Chianti. He sipped it.

"Don't worry, take your time," she added, her hands clasped in front of her face like Gendo's conspiracy pyramid. She watched Marsh sip his Chianti like it was wine-tasting, just as the stereotypical, liberal yuppie does.

She began as soon as Marsh finished half of it. "I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?"

Randy took a second sip of his wine, wondering what the hell did he got himself into. "You could say that."

She stared at him with impassive eyes. "I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Mr. Marsh?"

"Uh, no," he offered.

"Why not?" she asked with interest.

"Uh, I don't know. Maybe 'cause it's like I'm not this captain-of-my-fate sort of thing."

She smiled. " I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

The miko and the small-town liberal looked at each other cross the table. He finally answered, "Uh, no."

Rika faceplamed. "Gah! Okay, to cut to the chase, I want you to go on a cliched, contact-an-outsider adventure where you must help a small Japanese village overcome the home-grown evil lurking around in the woods. It's your chance to play the great white American savior for the villagers and a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, with every chance of dying for a good cause."

"Uh, that sounds nice and all," he answered uneasily, "but I have my wife, kids and grandpa up there waiting for me. And there's also the thing about your town being Murder Inc."

Rika smiled. "I understand and that alone raises the stakes. Hell, your entire town is here in Japan. Would someone like you do in all your power to stop them?"

Randy thought about it. On one hand there's something ominous about the village and its mysterious deaths that screamed red alert about trusting Rika. On the other hand there's a chance for him to make a difference, like what his liberal instincts are telling him.

Seeing that he was indecisive, Rika took out her trump card. "Unfortunately, no one can be told who the enemy or evil is. You'll have to see it for yourself." She took out a few things from her pocket. She held out her hands. "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back."

Her right hand opened. "You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe." He looked at capsule on her palm curiously.

"You take the red pill," she opened her left hand, "you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

"Whoa, it's like choosing between LSD or Ecstasy," Randy noted.

"Indeed it is. Now pick your poison and be on with it," Rika said impassively. Randy then tried to pick up the blue pill.

"Remember," the miko remarked suddenly, halting the geologist, "all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more." Just thinking it over for a few seconds, he decided to take the red pill instead. It looked like Cinnamon Tic Tac to him anyway, about the size of a jelly bean though. He took to his mouth and swallowed it, washing it down with a conveniently-placed glass of water. Rika smiled tightly.

He stood up from the chair. "So, what happens next?"

Rika followed suit. "Come." She lead him to a full-sized mirror at the corner. "The pill you took was just a giant Tic Tac."

He looked at her with horror. "Say what-"

"It contains nanites which allow me to track you," she continued. "Please face the mirror." He did and the first thing he noticed that was the sharp differences between their heights.

"What's gonna happen to me next?"

"Please touch the mirror, Mr. Marsh," Rika said plainly. Obeying the little girl as if in a trance, Randy touched the mirror and the glass started melting around his hand like some sentient hair-gel.

"Whoa, this is pretty neat," he shouted, his eyes sparkling as the clear silver goo covered his hands.

"I'm sorry to cut this visit short," Rika apologized as he got around him.

"Huh?" He looked behind.

"Good bye, Mr. Marsh." She kicked his ass into the mirror, which swallowed him whole.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" He screamed again as he flailed his arms, heading down to earth at the speed of mach 1. Flashing before him was Hinamizawa from height over eight miles up... and getting closer and closer so fast until-

-CRASH!

-his soul slammed back into his body and sending him flying into two fellow South Parkers, tumbling into a ditch.

"Randy!" his wife exclaimed worriedly. "Are you alright?" Randy groaned painfully, trying to stand up, which made him look like a drunk coming out of a bar brawl. Then he fell back in the ditch.

Country boys and girls...

The Americans were ready to leave after Mayor McDaniels, Keiichi, and Mion have successfully defused the situation, and were now initiating damage control over to keep the tour going, at least until the Watanagashi Festival, which was already being equated with Black Sabbath, or as Cartman said earlier, Passover.

"Hey, Kyle," Cartman called out, "your mom's useful for once. We'll be out of this hole in no time."

"Thanks, Cartman," Kyle grudgingly replied. "But it'll better if you don't mention my mom again."

"(But we didn't get to sample any Japanese girls)," Kenny muttered.

"Oh yeah, Kenny." Stand turned to the hooded boy. "You kept telling us you like Jap girls."

"Why do you like some rice paddy slopes anyway?" Cartman asked mockingly. "Can't get a real girl at home?" He chuckled at his own joke.

"(Hahaha)," the hoody mumbled. "(Asian girls are cute and aggressive. I'd like to be taken for some hotpot at home!)"

"Dream on, Kenny," Cartman mocked again. "There's no way a Jap girl will like a poor boy like you. They'll smoke your mojo if you gotta thick wad of cash."

Kenny angrily smacked Cartman at the side, causing him to whelp. "Ah!"

"Hey, cheer up, Kenny," Kyle said. "Maybe we can get some duty-free Asian porn for from the airport."

"That's right, Kenny," Stan added. "You and your dad can watch some high-class porn."

"(Hope there's tentacles)."

"Of course they'll be," Stan replied, having no idea what he meant by that as they lingered around for a while.

Rena and Mikuru walked were walking back home after laughing their butts off from their victory over Haruhi Suzumiya. "What do you wanna do, Mikuru?" the former asked.

"I don't know, Rena," the moe responded. "Why don't we play board games with Kenta-kun?"

"Oh, that'll be so fun," Rena agreed, her eyes wide and happy. "I have a huge collection. Which one would prefer? Over-The-Top Shounen Anime Boss Fight? Magical Girl Manager? Case Closed: Shotacon Kidnap? Elfen Lied: Lucy Tearassing Boko Haram? Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis? Genocide Denial? Workplace Sexual Harassment? Narcotics Tycoon? CIA Regime Change? Republican Party Hunting Lodge with Dick Cheney?"

"Wow, I didn't know you own so many games," the moe chimed. "But seems so many." They finally caught up with Mion and Keiichi, who looked very much spent.

"Hello, Mion-chan and Keiichi-kun," Rena greeted happily. "How was the reception?"

Both of them look at the pair groggily. "Bloody awful," the boy replied tiredly. "We thought we were gonna die."

"What?" Rena asked, surprised.

"That's right," Mion joined in. "Everything was so smooth and dandy until Shion showed up killing people."

"What? Shion killing people?" Mikuru felt a chill down her spine as she recalled Haruhi's rants about the village's reputation.

"Yeah, that's right. As if things couldn't get any worse, we had Haruhi Suzumiya jump in and throw fat into the fire."

"What?" the moe exclaimed. "But why?"

The two gave the gingers a summary about what transpired during that afternoon, which gave a description of their confrontation with the tyrant in turn.

"That Miss Suzumiya is such a jerk," Rena said angrily. "Just cause she didn't find us killing random noobs she goes Chris Hansen on all of us."

"Yeah, what a bitch," Mion agreed, actually addressing the Ultra-Director in such strong term for the first time.

"Well, things have taken a turn for the worse," Keiichi said, "Oryo Sonozaki is dead and the you need to call an emergency meeting."

"Oh yeah, that's right," the greenette moaned. "I'll have to get Shion in as well but that's gonna have to wait, seeing that she's busy with her catch of the day." She referred to those poor girls her twin sister was trying to kill.

"Oh that can't be helped, that can't be helped. Let us go home and refresh ourselves for the reading of Oryo's will." That was then they noticed the boys of South Park hanging back from the receding crowd. "Hey, look. There's a few kids lingering behind. I wonder what are they waiting for."

They walked to them and noticed they consisted of four boys. One was fat, one was wearing a toque cap, another a hood, and the third a green deer hunter cap. "Hello, boys," he greeted. "What are you still doing here?"

The boys turned to him. "Hey, your the guys from yesterday's tour," said the deer hunter.

"Yes, yes, I am." Keiichi put on his most handsome smile, trying to get the Clark Gable effect.

"So... you wouldn't happen to worship a perverted, homicidal maniac, would you?" the toque cap asked.

Keiichi paused for a while. "No, I don't." He wondered, Except for the worship part are they referring to me?

Mion called out to him, "Hey, Keiichi, what are you doing back there?"

He spun around. "Oh, nothing, Mion. Just asking a group of boys what they think of our beloved town~. We need the PR mileage."

"You guys are hippes," Cartman called out. "You worshiped a child-raping psychopath who spends his ass in a shed watching Japanese game shows and smoking crack."

"Wow, that's one nasty little boy," Mion observed in dismay. "Is that what teach them in their public schools?"

"Yeah, you're right," Rena noted. "He may look adorably chubby and soft but deep down he's probably nothing but a insensitive, self-centered bigoted lump of fat."

"Yeah, I wonder who raised him," Mikuru said.

"(That's easy)," Kenny said, his words muffled. "(His mom's a whore)."

"My mom's not a whore!" Cartman snapped. "You better shut up or you'll get your welfare suspended."

"You're such a mean boy!" Rena shouted indignantly. "Any little boy who speaks with a mouth of a sailor and is mean to others don't deserve to be in Hinamizawa." The girls pushed him aside and ignored his cursing as they turned to Kenny.

The girls noticed the orange-hooded and looked at him intently. He was short as eight-year old boys could be. His plain appearance and muffled voice could only inspire one thing...

"Oh, look!" Rena cried shrilly, her eyes sparkling with wonder. "The little boy in the orange hoodie is so cute! OMOCHIKAERI!"

"Oh my gosh!" Mikuru gushed giddily. "He is!"

Not even Mion was immune to the kawaii-ness that afflicted all Japanese teen girls despite of years of putting up with Rena's sudden and overwhelming bouts of saccharine addiction. "Oh g-g-gawd… I-I- I want to touch him," she said quivering like jelly, ambling towards the orange-hooded boy.

"(ASIAN BABES WITH BIG FAT TITTIES!)" Kenny mumbled, hopping up and down like a kid on crack as Rena, Mikuru, and Mion took him into their arms. The poorest boy of the gang was red as a Russian beet as the three girls took turns cuddling him like a teddy bear. He felt their firm, supple bosoms against his face, steam rushing out of his ears and trying hard to suppress the boner in his pants, at least until he was taken to their lair.

"Wait!" Keiichi shrieked in despair. "You're ignoring me. Why~!?"

"Cause this boy is so much adorable than you," Mion chimed back.

"How horrible." He ran home like Little Red Riding Hood, sulking all the way.

"Oh my God, they got Kenny!" Stand shrieked.

"You b..." Kyle was supposed to utter his standard response but was puzzled. "Wait a minute, what am I gonna say? Those girls look awfully nice."

"Lucky bastard," Cartman grumbled as the boys watched the squeeing girls took him away. A group of teens then emerged from the woods and alighted in front of the boys.

"Okay, kids," a girl with black haired adorned by a yellow headband and ribbons announced, "how was your visit to this village?"

-Balla Da Li by Boom Box plays as end credits roll-

A/N: I've up the ante by mixing South Park, Higurashi, and yours truly together in a slowly brewing stew. Sheila's being a big fat bitch, Kenny gets taken home by Rena and Shion's demons are finally awake! Things get better from there. In Chiquita Brands is the new name of the historically notorious United Fruit Company, very well-known in involving the CIA in its business deals during the Cold War and the practice continues today in what would become the banana republics of Central and South America. What dicks. In Randy's segment the breathing exercise he gave to the South Parkers was from Wolfenstein: The New Order, an old-school shooter that pits the player against Alternative History Nazis. The part where he enters an empty alternate world was supposed to be based on the RPG-maker horror game Ib; the game's the best, I'd recommend it to you guys. The next part where he entered the TV was based on Persona 4's TV world and Nightmare Before Christmas where Jack Skellington entered the world of Christmas. The conversation between him and Rika was based P4's Velvet Room and the iconic first conversation with Neo and Morpheus in The Matrix. The ending was based on when Neo enters the real world controlled by machines and the astral projection scenes in Beverly Hills Ninjas. I promise to make chapters much shorter from now on, adhering to my policy of no less than 9,000 to 10,000. If you made it this far I thank you for your patience.

And last but not the least, this story is dedicated to superstarultra and his works, the spiritual influence of Kyon! Do Everything! Have a Merry Christmass, SSU.