Loggerheads!
A/N: Hello, everyone. Anime Borat here. This is my latest chapter in Kyon! Do Everything! The theme of this chapter is RACISM! Specifically the interactions with Ultra-Director Haruhi Suzumiya and the Archie Bunker of South Park, Eric Cartman. I tried to imagine and portray a clash between these two obstinate personalities and portray it as best as I can, as well as when Satoko confronts the Stotches, sans Butters. I thank the famous superstarultra for giving me ideas for how they'll go about it. I also went back Itsuki's musings about his mission now things have taken a wider scope. Lately, I've been learning about the Remove Kebab meme, which led me to the webcomic Polandball, which I have been reading lately. Polandball stronk! Is Master Race! Seriously, this sort of thing is better than Hetalia: Axis Powers. It's truly its South Park equivalent. Try to spot the references here. And yes, I've added another subtle Welsh joke here.
Disclaimer(sparing used by the way): Haruhi Suzumiya is the property of Nagaru Tanigawa and KyoAni; Higurashi of 07th Expansion and Studio Deen; South Park of Trey Parker and Matt Stone and Comedy Central, and Blackadder of Richard Curtis, Rowan Atkinson (series 1), Ben Elton (series 2-4) and BBC 1. This are just the major ones in this chapter. Secondary, plot-relevant ones are Apocalypse Now, written by John Millius and directed by Francis Coppola and Hellraiser by Clive Barker, less we forget.
Random drabble involving Sasaki...
During the entire time the Brigade hid in the woods at the edge of the clearing where the South Parkers and the two Hinamizawans met. Haruhi, who was distracted by Yuki's ruse of elves in woods, was chafing as she watched the commotion which she wished was in the thick of. Now it was starting to slip away.
"Damn it," Haruhi snapped angrily. "Why did you guys pull me away from what would be the greatest international incident since the start of Arab Spring?"
"Really?" Sasaki asked puzzled. "I didn't know that you watched the news? But for me, I think it was when ISIS was posting their execution snuff films across the world, warning people what would happen if you cross them."
"ISIS, shmeisis," she dismissively replied, "this thing would blow them out of the water. I'd really like to see hicks five thousand miles apart hacking each other to bits, record it, then upload it to Fox News."
"Fox News? Really?" Sasaki was incredulous. "That network is the poster boy for biased broadcasting."
"You could do more damage by putting it on YouTube," Kunikida interjected. "Kids from one to ninety-two can watch our coverage in unedited by so-called censors."
"And don't you think featuring it raw is gonna have those moral guardians up on Google's asses as soon as they see it?" Taniguchi sleazed like the slimeball he was.
"How about we send them to the panda house?" Yuki suggested. Taniguchi started to cringe and cold sweat broke as he recalled his near encounter with the drunk ghost panda which nearly killed on that night he stood watch in Haruhistan. That drunken animal popping out of the darkness and assaulting him like a drunk Conservative on a Soho tramp. He fought back hard and tried to bury its body with a little help from Haruhi, only to disappear.
"How about we interview some of the Yanks?" Sasaki suggested.
"'Yanks'?" Haruhi asked, cocking an eyebrow at the term.
"A British nickname for American," she explained. "Short for Yankee. I spent some time in Britain. My mom's from Cardiff."
"You're half-Brit?" the alpha goddess asked in wonderment.
"Well, yes," Sasaki answered like it wasn't a big deal. That took some seconds for the others to take in.
"No wonder why her tea and snacks were so good," Kyouko said excitedly "That's so cool." It was more than that, the fact made her panties wet. She's got a nice ass too.
"That's why she has brown hair," Kunikida noted.
Konata gave Sasaki her trademark smile. "Does mean she has a title and mansion back home?"
Kagami facepalmed at the otaku's naivety. "Honestly, Konata, are you seven? Just because she's half-Brit doesn't automatically mean she's an aristocrat or some other big shot."
"You'll never know," Konata said whimsically and Kagami did her best not to get an aneurysm. "By the way, Sasaki, I hear British food has such a poor reputation internationally."
"A bunch of hogwash," the other goddess remarked. "That's a misconception. There's a whole lot to British food besides the reviews made by French and Italian food critics."
"She's right," Miyuki joined in. "British food only gained that reputation after the Second World War when rationing was enforced due to scarcity of food imported from aboard. It made traditional ingredients hard to obtain for meals and it lingered a few years after."
"That's true. There's a lot of good wholesome food found in the family table than in the restaurants immediately after that time. And regional specialties are abound."
"Does that include spotted dick?" Haruhi asked slyly.
"Awesome, Miyuki," Konata cheered loudly, drowning out Haruhi's remark. "That's why you are Miwiki Firefox-su!" She held out a thumbs-up and winked. The two smart girls blinked at that.
Nagato flicked up a pair of glasses and pushed them above her nose, light glinting off it. "Ah, the British stiff upper lip. That would explain for her generally unflappable demeanor in regards to her friends and the Brigade."
"Aren't we Japanese stoic as well?" Itsuki asked curiously.
"Indeed we are," Nagato replied conversationally. "But we come off as cold, brooding, and anal-retentive with undertones of Freudian neurosis."
"But that describes Brits to a tee," the esper protested.
"It does. But Brits do all that in style."
Tsukasa approached Sasaki demurely and asked her,"Um, Miss Sasaki, I hear that people in Britain like tea so much. They have tea time and snacks. How do they do it?"
"Well, that usually occurs at around late in the afternoon," Sasaki chimed. "Most people deride it for being effete but it's actually no different from a coffee break-"
"Okay, guys," Haruhi interrupted brusquely, seeing them goofing off, not to mention heaping attention on her rival. "We can have tea time and talk about Oscar Wilde later, right now we gotta asked a bunch of Yanks about where a missing British tourist is." It was met with groans. "Don't give me that, let's move, chop, chop."
The other goddess sighed. "Fine." She said to Tsukasa, "Sorry, Tsukasa. Maybe some other time. Apparently, Haruhi's not an a mode for it."
Yuki frowned softly as they walked off. Damn, and I was going to ask Sasaki how arrange teatime with Tsukasa.
"Alright, people," the goddess barked, "let's get this show on the road. Frank Cotton is not gonna rescue himself, you know?" Everyone groaned started off. But she crooked a finger at Konata. "You and your gang are dismissed."
"Huh? What for?" Konata said sadly, fearing her summer adventure would be over.
"I need you over here tonight to investigate the Saiguden."
'Okay, dokey," she chimed, seeing what Haruhi's plan was. She then took her friends skipped down the road back to the hotel.
As they watched the four girls depart Kunikida turned to Kyon. "Hey, Kyon, I was just thinking."
"What?" Kyon asked.
"Sasaki said her mom's from Cardiff. That's mean she's half sheep-shagger?"
The cynic gave the side character an odd glance. "Sheep-shagger?"
He went on innocently, "I hear that there's a sheep recreational center there but I don't know what means."
"Welshmen like their sheep," Kyon noted.
"Sweet does that mean she-"
"Flush that outta your head, Kuni," Kyon said firmly. "We've got work to do."
"Okay," he chimed back and skipped with the rest of the bunch.
EsperLeaks...
The office of the Deputy Director of Intelligence was a mess closely resembling a theatre set for the Sack of Rome. Inside were totalled furniture and office equipment; pieces of ceiling hanging by wire; smashed pot plants; and destroyed portions of the wall. In this epic setting were two titanic warriors, currently trying to destroy each other, General Shepherd and Gendo Ikari. What kept them from doing so were their subordinates.
"Aaarrrrgh! Arrrggh!" Gendo hollered hysterically, writhing against the restraining arms of his aide. General Shepherd, in turn, was held at bay by Yutaka Tamaru.
"Easy, sir! Easy, sir!" Keiichi Darling said frantically, struggling to pull him back. Then the bastard finally calmed down. The general followed suit as well. "Okay, Director," he said to the bastard soothingly. "Breath in slowly. Breath in... Breath out... Breath in..." Gendo obeyed his aide, following his breathing exercise to the letter until he calmed down.
With a final sigh, Darling, ever the faithful aide, asked him softly, "There, there, there. Feel any better?"
"You're damn right I am," he said, relaxed.
"Ah, good," he said comfortingly. "I'll recommend chamomile tea and some soft classical music-"
"Enough!" he snapped suddenly, jumping to his feet and scaring the crap out of Darling. He glared at the macho due with the iciest stare he could muster. "You two are in deeper doo-doo than you ever have been."
"Doo-doo?" Shepherd questioned with a cocked eye and an amused grin.
"Whoa, that's a rush," Yutaka exclaimed, pulling his shirt to let in some air. He looked around. "Man, this place needs a major overhaul."
"Overhaul!?" Darling snapped, standing up like he had rod up his ass. "What you need is a pink slip!"
Yutaka looked puzzled for a few seconds. Then he spoke, "What? Are you having hots for me, Darling!? Did you just jump out of the closet?" The two laughed even harder. Darling can only twitch his eyebrows violently at that in the most butt-retentive manner as he could not comprehend the infantile humor of Yutaka.
Gendo waited for the laughter to die down, then he cleared his throat. "Tell me, gentleman... Why did the general screwed Rei behind my back?" His voice seethed with anger.
"That's not really Rei," Yutaka replied casually. "That's just a clone we picked from the basement."
"Oh? Really?" Gendo asked warily. "Then how the hell was that thing... playacting?"
"Oh, we used a Soul Gem on a spare clone we found downstairs, stuffed with a hooker named Aome Higurashi in it."
Gendo he blinked his thrice. "So that's why that Rei was a bit slutty," he replied astounded. "A skanky Sue was in it."
"That's right," Yutaka added with a smile broad as banana. "All the skankiness in one sinfully hot package."
"Best lay I've ever got," the general added with satisfaction.
Gendo sat back and sighed. "Thank goodness it's a hooker."
"Indeed it is," Darling agreed servilely.
Gendo put his gloved hands on his face and wiped them in relief. "Thank goodness. Instrumentality is still a go."
"While you're plotting to upgrade the human race," Yutaka interjected, "we still have to a security problem to deal with."
"Oh yeah, that's right." Gendo composed himself. "We'll then, let's get to it."
"For starters, we do know that we have a mole running around at headquarters leaking information back to Kyouko's agency. I have originally suspected you, General..."
"You got our sex vid instead." Shepherd grinned with satisfaction.
"... Yes... that. That puts us back to square one." He sat down and booted the laptop, which surprisingly escape the fighting unscathed. "Oh, God, it's bad," he exclaimed. "Our entire counterintelligence staff is incapacitated by food poisoning, the chief of CI had died of an oyster allergy. Not only do we have to deal a mole but we have to deal with it blind and deaf. We are without an effective apparatus to root him out."
"That makes it square negative one, sir," Yutaka added wryly.
"Yes, indeed." He typed some more on the keyboard and searched the files he had accessed. "According to our latest memos a number of operations are in shambles. Kyouko's agency seems to anticipate our every move. We send up a drone, there's a whole squadron of interceptors parked behind the nearest cloud. We move agents to Mogadishu, they have bought the whole town's supply of lavatory paper. In short the mole is giving away our strategies."
Yutaka looked incredulous. Gendo noticed. "You look surprised, Yutaka."
He replied deadpan, "I certainly am, Big G. I didn't realize we had any strategy."
"Well, of course we have!" he exclaimed in astonishment. "How else do you think the operations are directed?"
Shepherd's right-hand raised a skeptical eye. "Our operations are directed, sir?"
"Well, of course they are, Yutaka - directed according to the Grand Strategy."
He asked in a skeptical voice, "Would that be the plan to continue fighting Shinjins until everyone's dead except you, the real Rei Ayanami and your tortoise, Alan?"
"How can you possibly know that, Yutaka," Keiichi Darling exclaimed suddenly, "It's classified information."
He deadpanned, "It's the same plan that we used last time, and what we've used since the beginning of this agency."
"Great Scott!" Gendo shot up. "Even you know it!" He barked like a megalomaniac, "Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!"
Darling then cleared his throat and spoke to the two gentlemen, "So you see, gentlemen, the Director is most anxious to eliminate this mole."
"The lowest form of human being, a traitor mining our databanks and selling out his fellow agents," Gendo muttered darkly.
Yutaka continued haughtily, " And, fortunately, one of our spies..."
"Intrepid individuals, models of integrity and dedication in a dark business," the cold bastard added favorably.
" ...has discovered that the leak is coming from the infirmary."
The general, who listened intently in peace, finally spoke up, "So that's where the mole is operating?"
"The files say so. Will look into more. Your job, Shepherd is to root this spy out. How long do you think you'll need?"
The general held up his hand and awkwardly looked up his watch. "Ooh, er..."
"Come on, general. We have some massive housecleaning before us. We need to reestablish our counterintelligence section, root out the spy, operations to disband and bring back to full working order, funds to skim off, bodies to bury, and asses to cover."
Then Yutaka suggested cheekily, "Six months?"
"You've got three weeks, you too," Keiichi Darling said seriously.
"Yes," Gendo agreed, "three weeks to smoke the bugger out! Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get hold of a salamence, tie your suspect down on a chair, with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two pork buns and and shout, 'Dingdong! Dingdong! Dinner's ready!' However, if you are successful, I shall need you back here permanently, I shall appoint your frontman Yutaka as our new chief of counterintelligence."
Keiichi suddenly looked alarmed at the thought like he was told his mother-in-law was coming to visit. "I do protest the idea," he spoke up quickly.
"Why not?" Gendo challenged.
Darling stated his case, "It would have been funny appointing him as counterintelligence chief, seeing that he lacks any sort of intelligence and that puts him in a position to make war with the collective intelligence of the organization." It was met with silence. Then everyone but him exploded into a chorus of laughter.
HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE!
Gendo was pounding the table uncontrollably. "T-THAT'S A GOOD ONE!"
"But sir!" he screamed desperately. "He's-"
"You're a comedian, Darling!" the general hollered between bouts of laughter.
"Come on-"
"You're a regular Dane Cook," Yutaka shouted to the top of his lungs. And they laughed some more, leaving Darling smoking.
The Brazilian-style laughter died down later and they went on. "Okay, okay," Gendo said. "So, three weeks it is."
Shepherd agreed, "Right, well, we'll be back in three weeks."
" Excellent. And if you come back with the information, Keiichi will pump you both thoroughly in the debriefing room." They turned to Darling and thought of him "pumping them thoroughly" upon debriefing, especially being bent over with their asses ready. They blanched in disgust at the thought.
"Not while we're kicking like studs, he won't," Yutaka said defiantly.
"Let's go, Yutaka," the general ordered and they both departed the wrecked room. It was only when they're truly gone that Darling turned to Gendo.
"Feel like crying?" Gendo asked coolly.
Keiichi felt so close to sulking. "Why did you laugh at me, sir?"
"Whatever their faults, they're damned good at what they do," he replied. "Not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking, blotter-jotter like you."
"That hurts sir," he sulked.
"Which is why I need you at my side," he said finally. "I can't have those two meat monkeys going it around on their own. The problem remains, how do we keep tabs on those two."
"Damnation, sir!" he ranted angrily, his rage coming to a head. "Their insolence makes my blood boil! Once more, I don't trust them, sir. I think it would be best if I went to the hospital myself, to keep an eye on them."
"What, spy on our own spies as they search for their spy?" Gendo looked delighted. "Yes, why not? - This could work to our advantage. You'll have to go under cover..."
Gendo's sudden smile caught him offguard. He awkwardly said, "Oh, definitely, sir."
He clutched his beard in thought. "You'll need some sort of wound, a convincing wound..."
"Naturally, sir." Darling smiled, wanting to get on with Gendo's idea.
"Yes." He pulled out his service pistol and shot Keiichi on the foot.
"ARRRGGH!" the aide howled and fell down, his hand weakly poking up from behind the side of the desk.
The bastard put away his piece. "Yes, that looks quite convincing," he said cunningly with his evil pyramid clasp. With a deep moan Darling's hand finally fell behind the desk, completing his despair.
In Gendo's keller...
Deep inside the a dark warehouse a maze of machinery surround an ominous huge vat of red. This place was where Gendo kept his spare Rei clones. In one vat right next to an old poster advertising Dr. Osterreich's Butthurt Ointment was an angry Rei clone, the one Shepherd had done a sex video with. It bore the soul of a very pissed-off Aome Higurashi, an abomination of an OC.
What is she, you ask?
Created for a Naruto fic, she was the fusion(bastard lesbo lovechild from a one-night stand)! of Kagome Higurashi and Sakura. This very woman hits all the Mary Sue checklist criteria... and is teammates with SasUKE Uchiha! Yes, you heard it, the black-haired guy with a closet fetish for Naruto. This... insult to nature was caught and trapped by General Shepherd and his intrepid right-hand Yutaka, saving the author's sanity of having to further research her. BrokenWingsOfLight can explain better than me on that in his Aome Higurashi RANT.
They trick her into getting into a Rei clone so they can perform a HAWT porn flick for an easy fifteen million dollars. That and getting back in her body.
Well, they lied.
The sex may have been good, but they unceremoniously stuffed her in Tang and not pay her fee. Not to mention not give back her body. What a dumb whore.
"How dare you!" she shrieked as she frantically tapped the glass. "When Sasuku hears of this, you're so in trouble. I'M IMPORTANT! Is anyone listening to ME!?" She then banged her fists and feet against the space Shuttle-grade Plexiglas to no avail.
No, no one is. Not when your in Gendo's cellar.
Cholesterol vs. Estrogen...
It was a certainly small encounter for the casual viewer, it was chance encounter between a group of Japanese teens and a group of elementary-age boys from Colorado. It was something more. It was meeting of the cosmos, a clash between two fundamentally opposed forces of nature were about to clash.
"How was your visit to this village?" Haruhi asked the three boys from the state of Colorado.
"Say what?" the fat boy asked.
"Yeah, you heard me," Haruhi said cockily. "Tell me how was Hinamizawa?"
"What?" Cartman whined. "Why?"
"Because you are speaking to the one and only Haruhi Suzumiya!" she flamboyantly announced with a V for victory sign. And she gestured to her minions. "And we are the SOS Brigade!" She had a wide, closed-eye grin. Then she noticed the silence and saw her Brigade being indifferent.
"Make a pose, dammit!" she shrieked angrily.
"Uh, y-yes, Haruhi, that's right," the scared shitless members muttered as they quickly do the pose. Kyon went down on all fours and Haruhi stepped on his back and pointed up skyward like Napoleon. Sasaki and Fujiwara knelt on one side while Itsuki and Kunikida on the other with arms wide open as Yuki and Kyouko knelt in front of the first two with outstretched hands. Just beside them Taniguchi propped up a dazed Tsuruya like a scarecrow, who moaned slowly.
"Wow, that was pretty cool," Stan acclaimed.
"Dude, that was awesome," Kyle concurred.
"Yeah, sure, and my left nut can go to Venus," Cartman said sourly, crossing his arms and looking away.
She exalted proudly. "And I am the president of the SOS Brigade, Haruhi Suzumiya." "So tell my what you think about Hinamizawa?" she repeated the question, hands on her hips while Kyon was quaking with her weight on his back.
"Uh, yeah," Stan began. "The village was a swell show and all. But..." He hesitated, whether he should tell her about their near encounter with Slenderman/Zalgo last night.
"But~?" Haruhi asked, eagerly waiting the answer. Kyon was trying hard not to give in to the divine yoke that imposed on top of his back.
"Uh yeah, this village is nice and all," Stan began, "but I am starting to think this tour is a bad idea."
"Awesome," Haruhi cheered and jumped off, relieving her long-suffering(and PTSD-ridden) peon of her holy weight. Kyon collapse on the dirt instantly, face down.
"Kyon!" Sasaki said worriedly as she rushed to his side. She rolled him over and held up his face. "Are you hurt?"
"Hey, Lay off the merchandise!" Haruhi blurted angrily.
"You can just exploit Kyon and everyone else like that like your slaves!"
"I'm the Brigade boss, Sasaki," she retorted imperiously. "You all do as I say." She then went back to her genki tone. "Tell me more about your story, little boy." Sasaki picked up Kyon, propped him on her shoulders and gave him a drink from Fujiwara's whiskey flask.
Stan thought about then, realized what could possibly go wrong with telling her the truth. "Well, we sorta slipped out of the hotel last night and decided to play a little Vietnam?"
"'Vietnam?'" Haruhi questioned.
"Yeah, we decided play a game we made up. We pretend to be short-timers surviving a one-year tour looking for Charlie."
Haruhi cocked an eye at the idea of a Vienam-themed LARP. "Wow, clearly you Americans haven't learned anything," she commented. "ISIS and Afghanistan happened."
"Heh, we didn't blow those ragheads hard enough," Cartman commented in surly voice.
"Calm down, Cartman," Kyle scolded. "We've just met them."
"Yeah, don't listen to Cartman," Stan added. "It ain't worth it."
The fat boy shouted at Stan in anger, "Whose side are you on? The slopes?"
Sasaki noted the slur. Jesus, what do they teach those kids?
"Come on, Cartman, don't be a dumbass," Kyle scolded again. "Just cause you don't like it here in Japan doesn't mean you can diss the locals all the time."
"Why not? They took Kenny! He's gonna be Slenderman's dinner in the festival."
Haruhi's ears had picked up a tidbit. Not much as they barely made sense yet she could feel their weight. Oh boy! I got us a lead! "Kenny? Slenderman?" she asked curiously, amazing that she did not hop around like a rabbit on speed.
Stan answered that. "Yeah, about that. Last night, we were playing short-timers on a tour. We heard a violent ruckus from where the shrine was."
"What? Really!?" Haruhi's pitch went up a note and her eyes gleamed with excitement. The shrine? That confirms it!
"Yeah, that was when we encountered him." Stan's eyes went hollow as he remembered in fear of that night. He then spoke up rapidly. "He came out out of it like Freddy Mercury. He was tall, thin, and grotesque; he had the most inhuman voice ever heard and he had a flock of crows with him; he was dancing in the stars some evil dance like Miley Cyrus. He's... Slenderman!"
-Higurashi OST - Oshin, towards the end plays briefly -
Haruhi was felt like she got hit the rolling freight train of revelation. "So... you met Slenderman?" she spoke softly.
"Met? Dude, we were lucky he didn't see us!" Stan shouted in horror. "His crows were covering every inch of his body and he didn't chase us back to the hotel but he might just be waiting to pick us off."
"And he came out of the shrine?"
"Not exactly but he came out of this shed behind some woods some distance from it." He pointed it the place for Haruhi's benefit.
Egad, that's where the Saiguden is, Haruhi thought. The shrine near the Furude house.
"He might also be Zalgo," Kyle added his opinion.
"Oh that's true! It's way worst. If he and Obama-CheeriOsama are the same guy, we're fucked!"
Haruhi felt a thousand things, she felt vindicated, she felt honored, she felt she discovered the mother lode of the Klondike. She was shaking in her shoes. "Oh... my... self! Yes!" She pivoted around to her band of "adventurers". Ladies and gentlemen! We have a lead!"
They all cheered wildly like drunk Albanian-hating Serb soccer fans. At last they have something definitive, which means one step closer of solving the mystery and going home. The cheers were:
"Yay."
"Wohoo!"
"Oh yeah!"
"Finally..."
"Fuck that!"
"Oh shit..."
"Screw you!"
Haruhi was having the time of her life. Here was a chance to propel the SOS Brigade to everlasting fame and glory. The name Haruhi Suzumiya will stand in the history books for a long line of achievements, with the Frank Cotton case as the starting point. Of course, she'll make sure all the fame goes to her with minor tokens to the rest of the Brigade and none to her erstwhile partners, especially to Sasaki and her posse of dimwits.
She announced loudly, "SOS Brigade, we have made progress. Now Frank Cotton is one step closer to the liberation."
"More like one less in a thousand along the way," Sasaki commented wryly.
"That, my dear unbelieving Sasaki, is a matter of perspective," Haruhi replied dismissively, still in her egotistical high "And the horrors of Hinamizawa and their heathen Watanagashi festival will be brought to light."
"Does that mean you'll help us get Kenny back?" Kyle asked hopefully.
"Why yes," the Brigadefuhrer replied haughtily, "but that's secondary to our primary object of rescuing Frank Cotton and blowing open this murderous conspiracy."
Cartman told Kyle wryly, "See, I told ya no slope will help us."
"Don't be a fatass, Cartman," Kyle bit back angrily. "This is might be our chance to save him."
"I'd like to see you get through two ginger bitches without mah help, you ginger Jew."
"You're a ginger yourself!"
"Don't tell me that!" The two boys growled, ready to jump each other in anger.
Haruhi caught those words. "Wait, did you say gingers?"
The boys stopped fighting at Haruhi's question. "Yeah, we did."
Haruhi pressed on, "Would those gingers be a short-haired girl who likes to sound cute and loves cute things and the other has long hair with large boobs?"
"Yeah, exactly," Cartman answered. "How'd ya know?"
Haruhi's eyes narrowed into angry slits. "Lucky guess," she said in a low threatening voice. "Rena Ryuugu."
"Wait a minute, whose Rena Ragu?" Cartman butted in as usual.
She explained, "The two gingers you met are Rena and my moe Mikuru. Rena brainwashed Mikuru into joining her side. That short-haired nut will pay for defying Haruhi Suzumiya!" she growled. "She might be in cahoots with this Oyashiro-sama, who might be the Slenderman/Zalgo freak you were talking about."
Stan and Kyle gasped in horror. Cartman's eyes widened in delight. "Kick-ass!"
She composed herself. "That means we have a mutual enemy in the form of Rena Ryuugu. How'd you like to join forces with me, uh..."
"Oh, my name is Stan Marsh," Stan said to Haruhi. "And this here's Kyle Broflovski."
"Nice to meet you," Kyle said cordially.
"And that's Eric Cartman," Stan pointed to the fat kid.
"Damned straight, I am," the fat boy said grumpily.
"Well, I'll introduce you to my minions," she exalted and waved her hand to the SS Sturmbrigade Harühi Süzümiya, uh, I mean, the SOS Brigade. "This guy here is Itsuki, my right-hand man."
"It's a pleasure to meet you boys." Itsuki said cordially, trying hard not to look like a child rapist.
"And this is Kyon, my peon. He slaves all day for me." She was proud of the fact she degraded another human, being mostly as replacement for Mikuru.
He bent low facing the boys. "You better get out of the suck while you still can," he said in a low whisper.
"That's enough, Kyon," Haruhi ordered quietly. She then greeted, "Next, we have Yuki Nagato."
"..." Yuki said.
"And..." Then Haruhi sighed in frustration. "With Mikuru still with Rena, we're basically short with one member." She then added plainly. "That's it for the main members. We have our auxiliaries Tsuruya, Taniguchi, and Kunikida."
"Hi."
"Hello."
"..." Seriously, Tsuruya can't talk since she's still in a daze.
"And finally our temporary members. Autistic Traudl, Boxmuncher, Sadako Baldrick, and Douchebag." The mentioned were not happy about that.
"What the hell, Haruhi?" Sasaki snapped, stung by introduction. "You've never given up on your habit of insulting people." She doesn't understand why she was compared to Hitler's last secretary. The other three she totally knew, especially the first one.
"Ah, come one, you deserved it," Haruhi said, being a bitch. She spun to face the boys. "So you guys, wanna join me in quest of busting this racket wide open?" Her eyes gleamed, waiting for their acceptance.
"Gee..." Kyle said, undecided. "That sounds like a good idea..."
"Nuh-uh," Cartman butted in. "Hell no. I ain't taking orders from some gook bitch."
The Brigade gasped in shock. Haruhi Suzumiya was flabbergasted. She noticed the boy and his offensive verbage but now it was thrown right on her face! "Wha-wha-what was that all about!?"
"I'm not gonna take orders from some gook bitch so she can go tearassing some village like Charlie," Cartman replied in all the bigotry in his voice. "Back in America, we do things differently and that means no Chinese is gonna tell me what to do."
"You're in Japan, you fat moron," Haruhi flung back in rage, "and I'm Japanese! You don't get to shit about us here." The rest of the Brigade were looking at each other in fear and confusion now that Haruhi has stumbled into something she never encountered before: a fat racist douchebag from the land of the brave.
"Jesus, Cartman," Kyle stormed in. "What the hell's wrong with you?"
"Yeah," Stan added, "working with these guys are the only way of saving Kenny."
"Come on you guys," Cartman whined. "What good can working with this bitch get us?"
"Like you're one to talk." Kyle became indignant. "You fleeced the donations for Hurricane Sandy so you can get Call of Duty: Black Ops II with all DLCs."
"Hah, why do yah care?" Cartman challenged, angry why it's such a bad thing. "It'll end up in Jersey anyway. No one likes Jersey no how."
"That's donations for helping people, asshole! You can't just do that."
"The Republican Party does it all the time."
Seeing the argument has shifted, Haruhi rejoined the fight," Hey, hey, shut it!" The two boys shut up and stared at her. "As you were saying, Cartman... Why won't you take orders from me?"
Cartman regarded her curiously. "Cause you're a Jap bitch?" he said innocently.
Haruhi closed her eyes and growled quietly. The other females in the group where offended. "What the... hell? You have the audacity to call me that racist slur, boy!"
"So what? So I'll have to take orders from you? See, here's the problem with you slopes. Ever since 1945 you've been all uppity and now it's time you learned your place. Also, you're chink, and everyone knows all chinks are planning something nasty like taking over the world. You tried to lure us with Chinpokomon and bomb Pearl Harbor."
"Dude," Stan spoke up, "are you even listening to yourself? That was in the past."
He ignored Stan and carried on his rant, "Now we got all that cute shit coming out of your country like a Mexican with diarrhea. 'Let's have tea parties and cake, hahaha' 'Why don't we go to the mall?'. Fuck that! I can't stand it! The only explanation for that is that they let loose all their numbah-wan fuckees everywhere and letting 'em run the place."
Haruhi could not believe her ears. "Jesus Christ... you're calling me a slut?"
"So it's best you go back to watching Chinpokomon and Sailor in the kitchen where you belong. That way, we won't have to put up with any of your crap."
"I think you should go back the trailer park where you belong!" Haruhi retorted in anger. "Stupid fat Americans! Thinking about how awesome you are and that you are the center of the world." She snorted derisively. "NOT! The biggest superpower of the world is also the world's largest douchebag and caused most of the problems in the first place."
Two can play that game. "Well, you're just sore that you lost World War 2. That we ain't speaking your pingpong language and wearing that bathrobes like Jews with that Vietcong hat and eating fish raw with rice straight out of a paddy today. I'll take my Cheesy Poos over that crap. And who wants to write chicken scratches anyway, don't you people learn the alphabet?"
"Damn it, Cartman!" Kyle did not like the reference to his people there.
Haruhi was fuming even more. "What? It's better than drinking beer watching football like a fat slob or eating out at McDonalds or fuckign reality TV. That's how you get fat in the first place! And with the state of your education system no wonder you get dumb. Anime has greater market back there as you only make Hollywood-type shit! It appeals to whatever shred of intellect its fan there posses."
Sasaki tried hard not roll her eyes at that. Anime and intellect...? That seldom mixes. I watched better stuff anyway.
The goddess went on, "Your knowledge in geography is laughable and you don't even know how to say or write place names correctly, even in English. And to add your already abysmal intellect is your tendency to lump people into stereotypes."
"Ching-chang-chong chitty-chitty-chong," Cartman replied sarcastically in a mock Asian accent. "And I'm sick about you Japs going all know-it-all on everything. Yeah, we all know Beethoven plays a goddamn piano. Sure, we all know Jews killed Christ and the Holocaust didn't happen-"
"CARTMAN!" Kyle would have floored the fat boy if Stan hadn't held him back.
"-or that dolphins live in igloos. But nooo, you gotta tell it all out like you know better."
It was heating up. "So what? You got the attention span of tuna and have about as much intellectual achievement as squirrel who hid its walnuts in a badger hole. We deserved it, in proportion to our population and relevance in world affairs, I say we are better than you. We deserved it."
He turned up the heat. "What? You didn't event electricity, we did. Your goddamn robots won't operate without Microsoft."
"We don't need your shitty operating systems!" Haruhi cried out, eyes red. "You suck money from around the world-"
"LALALALALALALA!" Cartman sang mockingly, cover his ears. "I can't believe they let a girl led a Brigade. Why the hell would anyone want a school girl for boss?"
"'Cause I can run things better than some retarded Texan cowboy, that's why!" Haruhi blurted out angrily throwing up her hands. "Gaaarrgh! Goddamnit, I hate this."
Itsuki got by her side and cleared his throat loudly. "Uh, Haruhi, I think we should just calm down and call it a-"
Haruhi swung her angry face at her suckup. "'Calm down?' Are deaf, Itsuki? These hicks have the balls to insult me, the Brigade, and Japan."
"But you should back off," he advised. "You and Cartman fighting isn't gonna help the Brigade achieve its objectives."
"Yeah, listen to your man, bitch," Cartman added. "'Cause no sane guy is gonna team up with a stupid club with a school girl for a leader."
"And then kiss your friend good-bye, you stupid hicks." Haruhi was furious. "And by the way, I'm a teen, your just a bunch of grade school kids. I know more about the world than a bunch of ignorant trailer trash. Your lame little South Park is just a mote in the face of the earth. Colorado is another lame cowboyland. And the Denver Broncos suck!"
It stung Stan and Kyle with her insulting their town, their state, and the Broncos. "Hey," the former said. "That wasn't very nice."
"Make me." She stuck her tongue at them.
"You damned gook bitch," Cartman cried. "Your shitty Brigade can suck balls."
"Try me, asshole." It created a commotion where Haruhi was pulled back in a tug of war by her Brigade and Cartman had to be restrained by Stan and Kyle. With both forces of nature ranting about how much one was inferior to the other.
"You Japs ain't gonna spring any surprise with me around," Cartman called out as Stan and Kyle pulled him away.
"Shut up, Cartman!" Stan shouted at him. "You've done enough."
"I'm not done with you, Yankee trailer trash," Haruhi shouted back as Itsuki and Sasaki removed her from the field. "When this is over, you'll regret the day with crossed swords with Haruhi Suzumiya..."
Meet the Parents...
Satoko looked around the departing crowd. She waited anxiously since yesterday afternoon for her prince Butters. But he wasn't here.
She started interviewing different people. "Have you seen Butters?" she asked Jimmy Valmer.
"Sorry, I don't know where Butters is," Jimmy replied as he hobbled away with his crutches.
"Oh man," she moaned sadly. "Where could Butters be?"
"I think you need to ask his parents," Token Black said, having hear Satoko.
"What? Where are they?" she asked.
"They're right over there," he answered, pointing behind Satoko. She turned around to them. Then she remembered how they called her an underaged Asian whore. Man, Butters has rude parents.
"Gee, thanks," she said gratefully and ran off.
"Man, that was an eye-opener," Stephen Stotch said.
"Yeah, it's true," replied his wife Linda. "Whoever thought savages would be living in this day and age?"
"And allowed to do their barbaric rituals," he added. "This country isn't safe for our boy."
"Stephen, we should go back. This isn't safe for our kids."
"Don't worry, Linda. Butters will be grounded for the entire trip. I'll suggest to Shiela we should do the same for the rest of the kids."
"Butters was such a bad boy," she agreed. "Going on to his own with an unknown women."
"Hey!" That call stopped them in their tracks.
"Huh? Who said that?" Mr. Stotch called out.
"Right here," the voice replied, which prompted them to turn around to see Satoko. Then blinked their eyes twice. She then asked. "Are you Butters' parents?"
"Yes, why, little girl?" Linda asked, unsure of the little one's intentions.
"Where's Butters?" she asked urgently.
"Oh, Butters," his dad answered. "He's at the hotel. He's grounded for going out with local underages sex workers just like you."
Again with calling me that, her mind growled at that.
Suddenly realizing who they're talking to, Linda gasped. "Hey, she's the girl Butters went out with," she gasped.
"Oh, geez, you're right," called an astounded Stephen. "It is her!"
Satoko was offended even more by their comments. She decided to set the record straight. "I am not a hooker. My name is Satoko Hojo. I live here in Hinamizawa. I wasn't trying to put some moves on your son. I was just showing him around the village."
"Oh my God!" cried Linda. "This is just as worst."
"She has a professional name," Stephen excalimed.
Satoko was stupefied with with blank eyes. "What!? That's my real name. Why do you take me for some child prostitute?"
The couple took a cursory look at her. "Well, you're surprisingly curvaceous for a prepubescent girl," Mr. Stotch noted.
"And you're clad in a pink, sleeveless collared shirt, blue shorts, a belt and pink sneakers," Linda added ruefully."You dressed provocatively for such a young age. Shame on you."
The short-haired blond was even more incredulous at that statement. "Hey! This is my casual wear and it's summer here. You expect me to wear a something impractical like a long flowing dress or a kimono?"
"Well, it's Japan," Mr. Stotch pointed out. "You have a topsy-turvy biological clock, which would explain why in some cases you reach adult hold and still look like kids, and morals incompatible with ours, which is why your we believe you're an underaged hooker."
Okay, this was officially the worst she ever heard. "Y-y-you people are bloody racists! How dare you take me down like that. Just because I'm Japanese does not mean I make a fortune lying on my back!"
To say the fanged blond was upset is an understatement, Satoko was furious! "Oh dear," Linda said worriedly. "She's still pressing us."
"Now, now, Linda," he assured. "I'll handle this." He approached Satoko and bent over. "Okay, okay, I think we understand. Sorry for having interrupted whatever business you did with our wayward son. How much do we owe you?"
Now this has come to a point that the little girl could only only stutter in complete and utter disbelief at the course this conversation has taken her. No matter how much she tried to explain otherwise, they still think she was selling sex!
"Uh-uh-uh," she stuttered, trying to refute what she just said.
"Now, now, just tell how much," he said gently, "and we'll settle with Butters' debt." He then whispered close to her ear, "How much is your rate? When are you available?"
She could not reply. This was just staggering.
"Stephen, what are you doing?" his wife demanded loudly.
"Honey," he replied calmly. "We should solve the problem quietly and as early as possible. If not, we will fall prey to small-time blackmail." In fact, he's doing exactly the opposite, that is victims paying up their blackmailers. Satoko's eye was practically twitching.
Rika came down the path and saw Satoko with the Stotches. "Hey, Satoko," she called out. "We gotta meet Mion at the Sonozaki-."
Mr. Stotch stood up and turned to Rika. "Oh, hello there, little girl," he greeted. "Are you her madame?"
The question stop Rika in her tracks. "Huh?"
Satoko already had enough. "Honestly, you two are among the most racist people I ever met! Even if I explained to you, you still think I'm a child sex worker because I'm Japanese!" She bared her fang in her gritted teeth.
This nearly frightened Linda out of her knickers. "Oh my God! She's going ballistic!"
"Not only that, you're terrible parents!" Satoko went on. "If I ever get my hands on you, I'll [bleep!] you up with my bare hands. "[bleep!]-ing gringo [bleep!]-holes! How dare you set foot and call us barbarians in our own home! You should all be deported! Pearl Harbor, best day in my life! Racist mother[bleep!]ers!"
Rika's face was red with embarrassment, so she smiled shamefaced. "Uh, would you excuse us," she demurely. She then pulled away a cursing Satoko away from South Park.
"She's making a scene," Linda said worriedly.
"Let's just ignore her," replied Stephen. "That way, we don't have make a fuss." They walked away surreptitiously, while Satoko swore on loudly for them to her.
"Remove hamburger!" her last words within earshot.
Mystery Time...
"Damn that fat kid," Haruhi raged angrily. She and her peeps were out of sight and at a clearing.
"Haruhi, you shouldn't have been so patronizing to those kids," Sasaki said quietly.
"So what?" she replied dismissively. "They should know that when in Rome, do what Romans do."
"Haruhi," Itsuki intervened. "At this rate, our enemies multiply and our chances of fining Cotton are getting less and less."
"The Brigade had accomplished more on less," she announced defiantly. "Besides, it's not my fault that that fat kid trashed talk me. He was some dumb hick after all."
"Haruhi, it is not wise to antagonize everyone you meet." Yuki said quietly. "You're way of doing things is bringing is diminishing returns."
On and on they argued, meandering into myriad topics such as history, geography, and blah blah blah. Itsuki was starting to think of his mission once again. He look into the orange light of the setting sun. He cleared his throat.
"What is it, Itsuki?" she demanded grumpily as they were in the middle of talking about foreign policy.
"It's been a long tiring day," he answered. "Can I take a walk?"
Haruhi stared at Itsuki as though what was asking was akin to mutiny. He could feel Haruhi's piercing glaze and he waited with a lump on his throat for an answer.
"Okay," she simply said. She's got enough on his hands.
"Thanks, Haruhi," he said gratefully. "I'll meet you guys back at the hotel." He walked off.
"Okay, watch your back, Itsuki. I need you in one piece."
So with Haruhi's blessing, Itsuki wandered off from the rest of the group to meditate in his mission.
-Apolcalypse Now OST - Letters from Home plays-
Itsuki was walking along the road as he pondered on the events that have swept. He said to the rest of the guys that he needed some time off for a while before getting back to the hotel, seeing that they have no place to camp up in the woods. This day was even stranger than the rest. Shit just got real, he thought. We get a shot of his eyes, wide with fear and uncertainty. Everything was starting to unravel... and we may have but tugged at a small thread at the fabric of this scheme. I was starting to doubt that Arakawa... may be relevant as the objective... and something was out there... waiting to unleash itself on the world.
He looked around as the rural countryside with its woods and rice paddies were graced by the setting sun. Something's out there, breathing... sleeping... waiting... like a beast in the heart of darkest Africa... after a torpid night-out with Joe Kony and his homeboy Fred Phelps. The cicadas were chirping even louder now.
"Vietnam...," he muttered. That was the latest time he heard of it. Then he thought of Kyon, him calling him Charlie and his choice of music, tracks from the 60's and 70's. Every time Vietnam comes up, Kyon turns up in my mind... What does that country... or more specifically, a conflict from the 60's, have anything to do with him? He took a snack cake from his pocket, a Twinkie and munched on it.
He munched on the yellow snack as another thought intruded. I wonder how does Frank Cotton figure in this? I've started considering writing off Arakawa... yet I cannot but help think about Frank Cotton. Sure there was the reward money yet that description of the last time he was seen was already strange... Eerie.
-Letters from Home stops, record scratch-
Then Doctor Irie, the backdoor physician flashed in his mind. He was just in his briefs, lying provocatively in a love bed of shocking pink bordered with black frills.
"Silly buns," he teased naughtily.
Leave me the hell alone, you freak! he screamed back, eyes dilated his he tried to purge the disgusting thought out of his mind. He started running around, screaming for the doctor to leave, "Leave me alone, you assrape specialist!" He ran and ran as his voice voice echoed across the lonely country expanse he was in.
"AAAH! AAAH!" He started rolling around in the dirt, trying to rid of himself of the explicit imagery of the Teabag Doctor. It took a full minute when he concluded kicking up a cloud of dust. He panted loudly, eyes dilated, covered in dust, mind raped before he picked himself up. He then stood idly like a statue as he stared blankly into the the dusk.
A white van emerged and drove around a curve. Its goons spotted Itsuki. The driver, eyes obscured by his baseball cap, smiled. Target sighted.
"Hey, let's get some Ben and Jerry's ice cream," one guy demanded in a screechy voice.
"Yeah, yeah, well get there, see" said another with Al Capone's.
"Step on it!" cried a third as he stepped on the gas.
"Hey, watch it asshole-" snapped the driver but the van shot forward towards Itsuki.
"Whooa!" the shouted as they hurtled towards.
Itsuki put away from his staring contest with the horizon when he saw the-
SCREEECH!
"Gyah!"
Itsuki dove for the rice paddy, narrowly dodging the speeding van intending to roadkill him. It zoomed through a distance before it screeched to a halt and swerved around. Itsuki, bone white from being nearly squashed, remained on his stomach, fearing the worst. But it vroomed past him, leaving a wake of smog and dust. He cautiously raised his head above to see the van sail away into the distance.
-Higurashi OST Matsuri plays-
Holy shit! His eyes dilated and he panted heavily in fear. This was the fifth time he almost got killed in the most backwater little town of Japan, after Kyon going PTSD on his ass; after that close shave with Oryo; after surviving the bunker bombing, and getting beaten up by his comrades after being mistaken for a dead fish monster. Itsuki felt that something fishy was going on here, and it's not about the contents of Kuyou's apple crumble.
-Matsuri stops-
Then he realized an odd smell. "What?" He dug into his pocket and got an apple crumble.
"JEEZUS!" he screamed as he looked at the culinary abomination. It was moldy, full of maggots crawling out of the white meat, and was that a fish eye staring at him?
To save himself he quickly threw the offending foodstuff to a bunch of crows, who promptly ate it and flew off, only to drop in mid-air like flies. He silently thanked Haruhi that he didn't eat that revolting foodstuff.
The goons in the van were laughing their asses off about almost knocking the pretty-faced nancy boy when they pass by a woman in a chic pink dress and a white sun hat. Just as they realized that hot piece of ass was in sight, they slowly reversed course back to her.
"Hey there, sexy lady," one of the goons called out and wolf-whistled. "Are you lost?"
"Oh, not really," the woman replied, her sunglasses glinting. "I'm looking for the village of Hinamizawa."
"Sweet!" a second goon rang. "That's where we're going."
"Oh, thank you," the woman said. "I was just going to see the sights of the village. It seems so far away though."
"How 'bout a ride?" the first one offered with his lecherous smirk.
"Oh, thank you so much," she replied gratefully. "You don't know how much this means to me."
"Well, if a hot broad wants a ride, who could say no?" a third goon replied, salivating like a wolf. "We won't do it for free though."
Excellent, she thought. Julia then put on her most seductive smile. "Oh sure. Anything at all."
"Oh swell!" the first one hooted. "Hop in." The door slid open and Julia climbed aboard. Door closed shut and the van zoomed off to the shrine.
A/N: There you have it. The nineteenth chapter of Kyon! Do Everything! I've stuck as much as I can to the spirit of South Park in the Haruhi vs Cartman fight. Sasaki's statement in the first segment has a ring of truth concerning British food, not to mention anime perception of British people, if I'm not mistaken. I also thought about Halloween fast approaching so early Happy Halloween to you guys Might want to consider Higurashi on your list, it's a classic. EsperLeaks obviously points to WikiLeaks and is largely based on Blackadder Goes Forth, Ep 5: General Hospital.
The memetic Brazilian Huehuehue laugh came League of Legends players from that country. Then we have Aome Higurashi... Let's live it at that. If you haven't noticed the references to Polandball, it should be in Gendo's Keller with the Dr. Osterreich's ointment poster, not to mention Austria's(aka Dr. Osterreich)obsession with basements/cellars(Keller in German), and in the last parts of Meet the Parents with Satoko saying Pearl Harbor, best day of my life. Due to having watched its parodies in the internet lately we also have a Der Untergang(Downfall) reference in when Haruhi compared Sasaki to Traudl Junge, Hitler's last secretary. Satoko's segment was based on an idea watching Nyodude's Higurashi Parody fandub, especially in Episode 11 about the child prosti thing as well as the swearing in an episode I couldn't remember. As it is long since absent on YouTube, you can go to his blog. Thank you, guys for reading and don't forget to review.
The Brigade began their long walk back to the hotel. Everyone was spent from the events of the day except for one individual.
"_Hey_, _Sa...saki_," Kuyouh said, reverting back to her default mode of speaking, walking along her "master."
Annoyed, Sasaki turned to the interface. "I see you have reverted to your primitive state of speech of Microsoft Sam." She sighed exasperated. "What is it this time?"
"_Me and_Kyouko have_spotted a_secret_para-military_base in_the quarry. _It has_armed_guards_and_helo gunship_ We must_be_careful, Sas..aki. _ It_is_located in_near an_abandoned_village_ in the woods..."
Sasaki blinked thrice in incredulity. "Wait, is that true? A chopper pad with armed guards?"
"_Yes_," she hissed proudly.
"Like in Metal Gear Sold?"
"_ Of course_."
Eyes narrowed, she mused coolly at Kuyou, "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he?"
"_Uh_, y... eah_?" the alien replied sheepishly.