Boots, Breakdowns, and Some Frank.
A/N: Hello friends, Anime Borat here. It's amazing I managed to publish this chapter in less than a month, approximately two weeks to be exact. I've had a hard time focusing on my other works so I'll have to write this to get it off my mind. I haven't had a lot of people to ask around lately so it feels kinda lonely here. Still, I thank you all the some for taking the time to read. Special guest appearance are Regular Show, Phoenix Wright in an inheritance case, and a Russian meme, as well as dash of Polandball and a subset of the Remove Kebab meme, an over-the-top racist screed with hilariously poor grammar, but I certainly do not support racism, this is just for fun. Kudos to Peacekeeper 37 for getting me get off my ass and write this one.
Slash(er) f(l)ic(k)...
-Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses plays-
The sun was now mostly under the horizon, giving way to the night. In this twilight a horrendous scene was afoot. Panting hard in the forest Otome Katou was running for her dear life. Behind her she heard an hellish scream echoing from the woods. Shit! she cursed in her mind. That psycho's got Kuni Mori, her only remaining friend left. Her adrenaline pumped more juice into her tired legs giving her more speed than Usain Bolt, which have caused her limbs to break apart that rate. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" she chanted in terror as her mind went back to the terror they have unleashed.
The evil within Shion.
What began as a nasty prank they all enjoyed went tits up when Shion suddenly and violently grabbed Natsum Koizumi's arm while they're giggling in delight and ripped it apart before their very eyes! They shrieked in terror as she got the bone and calmly fashioned it into a weapon while being drenched in blood spurting out of the stump that used to be her victim's left arm. Only Kuni had the sense to shake them out of their terror and they all raced away as much as possible. By then Shion got up and gave chase.
They dared not look back for fear the horrible harpy was closing the distance at an unearthly rate. They can actually hear the rustling of undergrowth, swooshing of air, rapid footfalls which seemed inhuman and the mad cackling behind them. Shion the hellbitch was right there tail!
The first to fall was Natsumi. She tripped on a rock and the satanic greenette fell on her like a tiger, destroying her in the most primal way possible.
"Arrgggh!" They could hear her death knells as Shion shredded her like doner kebab as sharpened bone tore into her flesh loudly, reducing her in a bloody mess that would have done a slasher flick fan and snuff film aficionado proud.
"Well, at least we don't have spewing a blood trail," Kuni Mori suggested, still trying to catch with her gang. But she spoke to soon and Minami Obuchi was caught in the ankle by a lasso of vine. She was then lifted up into the air as Shion dropped down tugging the length of it. HOW DID SHE GET THERE SO FAST? Otome's mind screamed as her eyes bulged, her ass on the grass.
"Come on, Otome! Minami cried as she pulled her away from their pursuer. They only know too well what Kuni's fate will be - and leave her at that as they scampered off. Such is life, best friends abandoning you to save their skins. Behind them came the gruesome reprise of Natsumi's demise falling upon Minami, her screams renting the air.
-Welcome to The Jungle stops-
And after so much running they finally made it to the crook of a tree and huddled themselves as much as they can. "Shit!" Kuni cried. "What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know, I don't know," Otome snapped back in terror. Their eyes darted around everywhere as they looked out for Shion, ready to kill them at a moment's notice. After several seconds they calmed down. Silence had finally returned, which their surrounding more ominous. They kept still for a while as they watched - or waited - for Shion. Every sway of the leaves, every rustle might be her closing in.
"Oh my God," Kuni whispered. "Natsumi... Minami... She turned them into hamburger meat."
"I know that," the alpha bitch quietly snapped back.
"This has turned into the worst trip ever," Minami went on in panic. She cringed audibly. "I mean we went out on a trip to ruin some poor little bitch's love life... And now we're stuck here with a psycho playing the Hunger Games with us."
"Well then," Otome replied sardonically. "Let's not wait for Shion to find us and get the hell out of here."
"How do we do that?" she asked worriedly, still looking around the woods.
An evil thought entered her mind. "First, we need a distraction..."
She spoke too soon. The demonic Shion lunged out of the grass trapdoor-spider-style and snatched Kuni with remarkable speed.
"HELP!" The girl was dragged back like a spider's prey, vainly clutching the ground as she was sucked into the underbrush.
"OH SHIT!" Otome screamed as she scampered away. Even as she ran, she can hear the faint horrible screams of her friend Kuni.
And here she was now, trapped in the forest with a yandere who was determined to make leather pants out of their skins. She had to get out of here quickly while she's busy hacking Kuni to death. She took the chance to run off, scampering as fast as she could until...
Light, coming from a clearing. That's her ticket! She raced forward, panting harder and harder, jumping over thick roots. She's almost there, almost there...
She lunged out of the woods and dove into a clearing, which leads to the main road out of the village. She hugged and kissed the ground. "Muah! I never thought I'll miss you, open ground!" She kept on kissing when she looked up and saw her friend Minami in front of her.
"Minami! Thank God you're alive!" she practically shrieked with joy and glomped. "I thought you were a goner."
"It was close," Minami replied, her tone quaking and her eyes glazed. "So horrible..."
"It's amazing that you're still in piece," her boss added. "How did you get away?"
"Well, S-Shion didn't kill me right away," she replied in a frightened tone. "She dragged me to this cave... It was horrible! It's full of corpses!"
Otome was mortified. "Jesus, that bitch is nuts!"
"I know, it's like a horror movie in there." She spread her bloodied arms for emphasis. "And kidnapped victims too. She was gonna kill them for later."
"Well, let's get outta here," Otome ordered frantically.
"But what about Natsumi... and Kuni?" she asked worriedly.
"Screw them," she bit back. "I ain't risking my ass for those two."
"How could you say such a thing?" she retorted indignantly at the abandonment of two of their number.
"I don't care!" Otome snarled in her bitch voice. "I'm going back to the hotel. You're staying for that freak or going?" She started to go off.
"Hey, wait, She could be still out there. We'll hide over there." She pointed to another treeline. "There's a trail that leads back to the main town outside."
"Good, I want to get out of this psycho town before anything happens to me." She then rushed off. Her friend followed suit. The two girls scampered in the woods, heading deeper.
"Stop," Minami said. "Let's wait here."
"What? Why?" Otome demanded, wanting to escape with her life.
"We must have gave Shion the slip," she replied. "She's probably tired from chasing us."
If Otome was acutely aware of the fact that Shion hunted them with superhuman stamina and dexterity, she should have pressed on with their flight, instead she said, "Good idea. I think I'm bushed myself." She sighed heavily and dropped her ass on the crock of a tree. "Hey, Minami. How about you lookout for a while, I cool off."
"Alright, Otome, I will," Minami complied. As soon as the alpha bitch snuggled herself and stated at the stars, she took post next to the tree trunk. In the lee of the darkness she grinned. She removed her face... then the wig she wore to reveal herself...
Shion! She wore the face and scalp of Minami in order to trick the last bitch into her lair. Eyes covered by her bangs, her blood-smeared face lit up in sadistic glee, she peered around to see her foolish prey resting on the crook, brandishing the knife fashioned out of Natsumi's arm bone, which now thirsted for more. Then she looked suddenly, her eyes revealing the madness as she giggled disturbingly.
Itsuki Get's a Call...
"Hotel, sweet hotel," Kunikida quipped as the hotel loomed in sight.
"Man, what a sight for sore eyes," Kyon agreed. "At least I don't have to sleep with no bugs in the boondocks no more." The two boys were leading the gaggle of adventurers that is the SOS Brigade. The tired line of brigadiers, beaten by the day's events, seldom spoke to each other. They were just glad to come home, well, temporary that is.
They entered the lobby, seeing a ferment of activity as the guests, who were mainly South Parkers, huddled together to discuss the events of the day. Heated inquiries and answers were being flung back and forth with a central theme:
What the fuck is going on?!
The incident at the village, which began with Shion chasing three girls with a weapon made out of human bone, followed by Haruhi's revelation of Hinamizawa's sordid past, topped off with Shiela Broflovski's social justice freak out, has left the South Parkers in an atmosphere of tension, uncertainty, and fear. A lot of those questions where directed against the mayor.
"How the hell did we book a trip to Amityville?" one citizen demanded.
"Are they telling the truth?" another questioned.
"Calm down, people, it's not like we're any different," Randy said, trying to ease some sense into their heads.
"Well, it's not like we made murder cottage industry," Jimbo pointed out. "Those bums making crystal meth? They have a thriving business..."
"That's an idiotic comparison..."
Amidst all of this, they have lost all appetite to join the noisy deliberations at the ground floor. They proceeded up to their rooms.
Itsuki made it back to his hotel room after his arduous journey from the village, where his latest nick with death was being close to roadkill by some mysterious white van. After quick trot through the wilds and fields that actually put him half an hour ahead of the gang, he fell in his bed. Christ, he was bushed. Not to mention confused and threatened. Everything was one big mosaic with all the pieces missing. That's an understatement. All he had was a handful and that mosaic he was facing covered the entire wall of the Notre Dame cathedral. Where to begin, where to begin? He was thinking about calling his superiors but what? Kyouko and Kuyouh control the airwaves now! They can listen in or jam his comms whenever they like.
BOOM!
"EEEEP!" he squealed and jumped off the bed, hiding under the covers.
"Itsuki, there you are," Haruhi exclaimed as she went through the door she just busted open.
"U-uh, h-hello, Haruhi." He peered from under the bed.
She cocked an eye in annoyance. "What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost?"
"U-uh, I'm fine, Haruhi," he refuted, still trembling. "Just tired... and wired."
"Well, we all are," she conceded wearily. She sighed heavily. "Jesus, that kid really pisses me off!"
"You mean that Cartman boy?" he asked
"Yes!" she snapped, making Itsuki shirk back under. "Seriously, that boy is a walking signpost of everything wrong with that country."
"Well, Haruhi, you should've back off when you have a chance," Itsuki suggested.
"The Brigade chief never backs off!" she declared haughtily. "The redneck trailer trash can snort on coke for all I care."
"God, Haruhi, that's quite harsh," he commented, "even for you."
"So what? One day that boy's gonna get his."
"Haruhi," he began hesitantly, fearing her wrath, which was totally justified. "I think we should just cool it and let it go." He gulped. "Working this job is already hard as it is without making anymore enemies."
The goddess glared at him. "I'm not about to have some kid fattened on Frito Lays, Snickers, and Mountain Dew tell me off like that. I mean we live in the twenty-first century, no one stays in the kitchen anymore except for some neckbeard's imaginary waifu."
"He's just a kid," Itsuki answered. "Sort of..."
"Hmmph," Haruhi snorted. "With kids like that, the land of the free really has gone down the drain." Haruhi then proceeded to leave but before she did, she added. "Itsuki, I need you in tiptop shape. We're going out tonight."
Alarmed, he crawled out of bed. "What!? Why?"
"'Cause yesterday was Kyon and Tani's shift, and also I realized that you're just laying your ass around," she said bluntly. "Especially now, I wanna make you useful." She then left Itsuki to his own devices.
"What now?" he wailed as he sunk inwardly. He could use a Twinkie right now.
Meanwhile, back in the Agency, Gendo strode into the operations theater. With General Shepherd by his side. "How's Winkle?" he inquired neutrally.
"Nothing on yet," the general replied. "Nothing roasting." Their aids did not accompany them as they were engaged in Winkle, the counter-intel op made to rid of the mole operating within the Agency.
"Well, now, it's about time we called Koizumi," he suggested.
"That's a roge." Shepherd then ordered. "I want Koizumi online."
"Yes, sir," said one of the technicians as he typed rapidly, bringing up the esper's location on screen and activating his codec.
The beeping of his codec brought him back. Alarmed, he pressed CALL. "Come in, Itsuki, come in, confirm, over."
"Yes, it's me," the esper said sheepishly.
"Thank, God," Shepherd said, happy to be in contact. "We got some news for you."
"Really~?" Itsuki chimed with a leer.
Shepherd stared at the radio. The tone of Itsuki's voice bothered him. He never received such a strange response save for that moment Yutaka freaked out from some balloon animal of Mikuru's. He then made his response. "Itsuki, Itsuki, are you alright?"
At this he his finger to his chin and tapped it daintily. "I don't know... feel's a little strange here~."
"Listen, Koizumi," he explained, "we want to understand that we have some funny business going on here. I'll get to the point: currently we have a mole here in Eagle's Nest, feeding info to Kyouko's agency. We suspect the mole is operating from the infirmary but we can't be sure. Any communications between us and you will be restricted and monitored. We'll tell you when we've cleaned up, but until then, I suggest you maintain radio silence, call us up when absolutely necessary, keep the convos short, nothing important on the net."
"Will do, sir," Itsuki complied.
Gendo turned to Shepherd. "We can confuse the mole that way. Anything between us and Koizumi is just too much to resist."
"Sir?" the digitally-toned response came.
"Yeah, boy?" Shepherd replied.
Then Itsuki smiled widely than ever. "Am I speaking to you?"
"Yes, you-"
"Or am I speaking to Kyouko?" the voice sounded angry.
"Huh?"
"Don't fool me, Shepherd-kun~," he said in a sickeningly-sweet girly voice. "We can spill our secrets together just between the two of us." The general's mouth slackened and all the support staff stared at the screen.
"Hang on, just what-"
At the hotel, Itsuki jumped up and howled. "Don't fool me, bitch! I know it's you! You're just being cute with me~, but you can't fool me! I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!"
They could not believe what they're hearing. Shepherd spoke up, "Koizumi-"
"Let's knock off the bullshit, shall we?" Itsuki interrupted, sounding tight-assed and angry. "You think you can just jam my transmitter and tell me straight to my face that you're General Shepherd? Naughty, naughty Kyouko, and your stupid alien too. She gave away the game and now I'm on too to you~."
Both deputy directors looked at each other urgently. "Kyouko?" Shepherd whispered.
"Penetration's worse than we thought..." Gendo spoke ominously.
"And now will you excuse me," he said softly, "I'll start my own radio show..." Then he hammed up flamboyantly, THE ITSUKI KOIZUMI PRIMETIME VARIETY HOUR! STARRING MOI! AND THE FREAKS ON THE OTHER END! LESBO PARAMOUR AND RETARD FROG!"
"What the fuck...?" Shepherd whispered, couldn't bring himself to go on.
"Let me handle this." Gendo grabbed the 'phone and snapped, "Koizumi, this is Gendo! I repeat, this is Gendo. Stand down at once!"
Itsuki was now in a Turkish dervish outfit and went round and round like a top. "Must spin! Must spin for religion!"
"Itsuki!" Gendo shouted angrily. "Stop this-"
"MUST SPIN! SPIN FOR RELIGION, MUST SPIN!" he ranted back, echoing digitally. "YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND, BABY/ RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD, BABY/ RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND!"
Shepherd facepalmed in frustration. "Jesus..."
Gendo was fuming in anger. One of their subordinates had the balls to insult tried to lay down the law on him once more. "For the last time! I-"
"Hey, Kuyouh, you sound like Gendo over there~," he teased. "Hey, how about we do a little cooking show? It's called Alien Cookery, starring you, Kuyouh. We'll show you how to cook cat vomit and pigeon shit to make Bavarian cream."
"ITSUKI-!"
"Kyouko, Kuyouh, do you rike it?" Itsuki teased.
"AAARRRGGGH!" Gendo screamed angrily. "YOU BETTER-!"
"REMOVE ET remove ET you are worst alien," he began. "you are the alien idiot you are the alien smell. return to uranus. to our uranus cousins you may come our planet. you may live in the zoo….ahahahaha ,xenu we will never forgeve you..."
Everyone was silent as they listened to Itsuki rant on his crude speech over the radio. "Gendo, what the hell do we do now?"
"... end of evangelion best day of my life. take a bath of LCL Orange Tang...ahahahahahANCIENT ALIENS WE WILL GET YOU! do not forget mass effect2 .legion we kill the king , reaper return to your precious dead space…."
It took Gendo all the self-control he could muster not calm himself down and think objectively of everything - including about Koizumi when this mission's over. "We play this through."
"You sure?"
He seethed. "Yes, Shepherd. We do. Let the mole, if he ever is, listen in. His bosses will have a field day." So they departed from the operations theater, letting Itsuki vent his angrish all over the radio, to the incredulous disblief of the staff, who has to sit down there and listen.
The Will of the Onibaba...
The news of Oryou's death had sent shock waves around the village and beyond. Although it's not apparent to the Americans or the Brigade, her passing has made the afternoon incident take a back seat. Arrangement where being made and the appropriate letters were being sent. This includes hundreds of letters being sent to Siberia, inviting Russian war veterans to the estate.
Everyone assembled at the Sonozaki estate. Oryou's twin granddaughters, their parents, Keiichi, Rika, and Satoko, followed by dozens of still-living veterans of the Red Army's Far Eastern Command, one of them might potentially be the twins' grandfather, and/or their families representing them. Old Man Kimiyoshi was not present as he was still mourning his own loss.
"Hey, Rika, why am I invited?" Satoko asked.
"We have a Cased Closed scenario right here," was the answer. "Deceased read to those invited."
"That, we don't need," Satoko replied. "Everything's crazy as it is." Then she noticed someone absent. "Hey, where's Rena?"
"Oh, Rena's been busy with Mikuru and that new Kenny boy."
Meanwhile, Shion was dressed in a kimino - and carrying a hogtied Russian who was struggling over and over again, his eyes wide in terror as he mumbled vainly for help. Shion took him to a shed and roughed him up some. A faint mumble, "Do your job or I kill you, okay?" She then left.
"Hey, Mion," she said sweetly. "Got you the Russian interpreter. He's one of the little green in the Crimea."
Her twin was not satisfied. "Shion, how do you have to explain for yourself for chasing those girls?"
Shion's smile was replaced with an annoyed frown. "Those girls are whores. They were trying to take Satoshi away from me."
"And you have to do that while we were entertaining guests? Besides, you sound rather possessive."
"I'm sorry if I rained on your parade," she apologized. "I really do. But those sluts were trying to blackmail into giving him up."
"How about keeping your murder sprees out of sight?" Mion said dryly.
"I will," she said drly. Then she shoved her face close to Mion. "Don't stick your nose into my affairs," she whispered softly.
She chuckled nervously. Even Mion knows that she has to handle her twin sister carefully. She might just turn on her. "Ah, of course... Where's Satoshi by the way?"
Shion retracted herself away. "His in the shed with a knife to our kidnapped Russians throat," she replied conversationally." She then handed her a headphone that connects to a cellphone. "Listen in and he'll translate all that gibberish for you."
"Thanks, Shion. Where would I be without you?"
"I wonder which of those geezers is you're grandpappy, Mion?" Keiichi asked as they looked at the old men seated on benches in front of the yard, many of them proudly wearing their uniforms or displaying their gleaming medals on their chests, taking tea and vodka handed to them by Sonozaki servants.
"How the hell should I know?" Mion said back. "We need a thorough DNA testing."
Then Keiichi's mind had a light bulb. "I have a better idea. Why don't we dress you two up in low-cut kimonos and parade you around. The veteran who jumps both of you, or attempts to anyway, is your grandfather." He smiled.
Mion gave him a glare of disgust. "Keiichi, that has to be one of the most perverted, not to mention downright stupid, ideas you ever had."
"I know, right?" he admitted. "They may not make it off the bench in time."
Again, another sigh at his idiocy. "Why did Onibaba have to die on a day like this?"
"Why should we, ehem, I mean it's just tragic!" Keiichi exclaimed. "We have to put with the tribulation of launch our festival with an American soccer mom going social justice on us due to Haruhi blurting out loud our village's nasty history."
"Yeah, and not to mention looking for Frank Cotton," Mion added with a snort. "Especially with you, blurting it out loud for them."
"Oh, really," Keiich answered in a dry voice, "the cherry on the top of today was Shion going slasher on a bunch of girls. It's perfectly normal, right?"
Mion could only smile in embarrassment at Keiichi's rebuke. "In any case, I just hope we don't have another incident at our hands, especially with this many Russians."
"Well, we should make this quick. We need to settle the question about who's in charge of the family."
"Isn't mommy in charge now?" Just on cue, a car arrived and out stepped... Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney!
"Phoenix Wright!" The astonished duo exclaimed in unison.
"Whose Phoenix Wright?" Satoko asked curiously.
Keiichi turned to her eye to eye. "Don't you know? He's one of the finest minds in contemporary law."
"He's utterly brilliant," Mion added.
He continued, "I remember Wright's most famous case, the case of the bloody knife. A man was found next to a murdered body, he had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses that seen him stab the victim, when the police arrived he said, 'I'm glad I killed the bastard,' in front of Conan Egadawa no less. Wright not only got him off, but he got him knighted in the New Year's Honors list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket."
"That's heavy artillery right, there," Rika observed.
"He's our heavy artillery during the disappearance of Frank Cotton." Mion turned to the lawyer. "And now Onibaba has entrusted to him her will." She then announced to everyone present. "Everyone, thank you for coming. It's been a tragic day for me, for most of us. And this has happened on a very trying time."
"Your babushka was best lay ever," one of the vets said lecherously in his native tongue.
"He says 'Your grandmother was the best he ever had,'" the translator said for her convenience, his voice nervous.
"Gee, thanks," she whispered dryly. Then continued. "Now today, the question of my family's future will be settled accordingly. I introduce to you Mr. Phoenix Wright."
"Good evening, everyone, I am the lawyer of the late Oryou Sonozaki, Phoenix Wright." There were cheers all around. He began. "As Mr. Kimiyoshi has difficulties of his own, his part of the will not be read." He turned to the will in his hands. "'As the executor of Mrs. Sonozaki's estate I have been empowered to read Mrs. Sonozaki's last will and testament.'" The Russian in the shed repeated in, well, Russian, for the visitors.
"Well, get on it with it," Keiichi said. "The Russians are getting queasy." At the benches the old Russian veterans were getting excited as the alcohol flowed steadily. They were making passes, even trying to grope the female servants, who were hurrying up with their rounds now in fear. The only thing keeping them from potentially trashing the place was their kin keeping them in line.
"Oh, poor, dear mother! Waaah!" Akane, the twins' mother wailed loudly.
"Oh, there, there, Akane", her husband comforted.
"If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading."
"This is gonna be fun, Satoko," Rika said.
"'I, Oryou Sonozaki, being of sound mind and body...'"
"That's a laugh!" Keiichi quipped sarcastically, chuckling.
"'...do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my daughter, Akane...'"
"Waaaa!" Akane cried emotionally again.
"Akane, darling, he's talking about us." Poor hubby. Obedient as ever.
"Oh." She calmed down instantly.
"'...who went against my will grubbed with her husband, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy...'"
"Huh?" Akane was dumbfounded this.
"'...To Akane, I leave a boot to the head to be thrown by the Russians.'"
She sat up, "A what?"
"V ataku!" cried a Russian, flinging a boot.
Akane duck in time, dodging the damn thing. "Hah!" She popped out. "I saw that coming."
"Another one, please?" Wright requested, annoyed.
SWOOP! BOINK!
"Ow!" She whelped after getting hit. The Russians cheered.
"Akane, are you okay?" He said with concern.
"'...and another boot to her wimpy husband,'" he added.
Another Russian threw his boot and smacked hard in his face. "Ow!" he cried painfully. Keiichi snickered at that.
"This is an outrage!" Akane cried.
"'...ah, but still, you are my daughter, you have bore me two fine daughters, one of them didn't turn out quite so right; you both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it...'"
"Oh, dear mother, he's too kind!" She quickly swallowed her anger and smiled for everyone.
"'...I bequeath another boot to the head.'"
Her joy turned to shock. "'What!?" SMACK! "Ow!"
"Hehehe," Keiichi chuckled.
"That's not nice," Mion scolded. Wrong or not, that's still her mom.
"'And one more for the wimp.'"
Hubby took one to the side."Ow!" With every boot hit came cheering from the Russians.
"'Next, to one of my granddaughters, Mion.'"
"Oh dear..." Mion said terrified, trembling legs. Keiichi tried, em, console her by stroking her arm but ended up having his fingers bent by Mion, causing him to squeal.
""...who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea, has effectively took over most of my responsibilities in the last few years..."
"Oh, I didn't mind," Mion said humbly, letting go of a distressed and pained Keiichi's.
"'To Mion, I hereby appoint her the new head of the Sonozaki family with all assets.'" This caused a glare of anger from her mother. "'And bequeath to her a boot to the head.'"
"What, not fair!" She was met with flying leather to the top of her head, knocking her ass back. Her mother laughed at her daughter's misfortune.
"'And one for Akane and the wimp.'"
That laugh was caught short when more Soviet leather flew into their faces, followed by them singing quiet folk songs.
"'And to my Shion...'"
"Oh no," Shion exclaimed, alarmed.
"'The most violent of my grand offspring, who kills randomly and commits acts wanton acts of evil at a whim, embarrassing our village, bringing police attention...'"
"Let's see if you can get a bullseye," she mocked.
"'A boot to the head.'" Shion attempted to jump away but a Lend-Lease GI boot caught her in the mid-section, knocking her in the air and onto the ground with a thud. "Hmm, close enough." Wright continued, "'This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Keiichi Maebara...'"
"Hey, no boot to the head for me!" he protested.
"'... to dear Keiichi, who mocked me in my twilight years, calling me 'old bat' and telling a buzzard that roosted on my window to come back at the funeral.'"
Keiichi produced a brody helmet and wore it. "Let's see if you can hit me now?" he taunted mockingly.
"'... I leave my collection of old vintage porn, which somehow ended in my mansion back in the '60's.'"
The perverted little boy blinked his eyes. "Really?"
"'And a boot to the head.'"
A jackboot caught him square in the face. "OH!"
He cleared his throat. "'And to Rika Furude, who is in charge of the Shrine of our deity and proctector, Oyashiro-sama. Who kept the faith in this changing times, protecting tradition and keeping our identity alive..."
"Screw this," Rika exclaimed. "I'm outta here." She pivoted to walk away.
"'...I leave my wine cellar, three crates of my finest Irish whiskey, nine boxes of premium sake, six crates of the best Normandy Calvados, five cases of the best Żubrówka vodka from Poland.'"
Rika made an about face in surprise. "Unbelievable!" she cheered enthusiastically. "Drinks all around!" The Russians cheered manfully with a round of applause.
"'And a boot to the head.'"
"Fuck!" She held up her arms to shield herself from the leather storm - nothing happened. "Huh?"
"It seems no one is willing to hit a little girl," Wright commented. "Size, maybe?"
"I can do that," Shion volunteered girl and grabbed a boot, flinging it at Rika, scoring a direct hit at the loli's face.
"Score!" Shion exclaimed proudly with more Slavic cheering.
"'And another for Akane and the wimp.'" A volley of boots flew into the faces of the daughter and son-in-law, causing a chorus of pained expression from them. "'And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head!'"
The Russians cheered and started throwing their boots at the cat standing on the bird house, knocking it over. "MEOW!" it hissed sharply in pain.
"'And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head...but a badger on 'roids and Red Bull-'" his voice quavered in surprised and disbelief - "'to be placed in his trousers?!'"
ROAR! RIP! TEAR!
"Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and! '...and I leave my hidden offshore bank accounts worth 130 million in Euros to the Maldives so they can afford build more islands!' Ah! Ah!" His ass was shaking as the badger rocked it.
"Is that it?" Satoko asked.
"That's disgraceful!" Akane Sonozaki raged.
Satoko had to pull the badger out of Wright's ass and violently putting it down with a NR-40 knife from a vet for him to continue. He finally said, "There's one last thing for everyone."
"Quick, take cover!" Keiichi called out. Everyone dove to the ground.
"'I leave everyone a lifetime supply of candy.'"
Everyone got up dumbfounded. "Candy," said Mion.
"Candy?' asked Keiichi.
"Candy... that's all?" Akane asked incredulously.
"Yup." Wright affirmed.
"What kind of candy?"
"Salmiakki," he replied. "Oh wait, there's more." He read the will again. "'On the matter of paternity, I will have every Russian invited to submit to DNA testing as to confirm which of the hundreds of Russian vets who kidnap and impregnated me up hard is Akane's father for the next three months. As for monetary benefits, sorry. Not a kopek for you, Bolshevik bastards!'"
The Russians were stunned, then they were outraged. The started to grumble loudly and they jeered at them, "Blyad! Chyort! Mudak! Cyka! Cyka!"
"Oh, crap," Keiichi exclaimed. "Look's like we've started an incident after all."
"What possible threat can a throng of old men pose?" Mion questioned. It was answered when they grabbed hold of a gardener. The man screamed for help he was torn be the Russian geriatrics who once strode into Berlin to rip Hitler's balls off. Her mouth was agape from seeing them do such a feat for their advanced age and less-than-spectacular physical condition.
"Quick, let's save myself and all the woman first," the boy suggested hyserically. "No one is having sex with them but me! And maybe each other."
"Uh, I'll think I'll pass," Mion said.
"I think I can help with that," Rika said, her face imprinted with a bootmark.
"Rika, no!" her friends cried in horror. But she ignored them as approached the agitated war veterans. She stopped in front of them, causing the old men to desist and look at her curiously.
"Hey, everybody!" Rika announced. "Drinks on me!"
It was met with thunderous cheering. "YPA! Na zdrowie!"
Then they hear the volley of rockets screaming from the sky, arching the veterans and their families below, exploding in pink clouds of smoke. The smoke was knock-out gas, and with the rockets, courtesy of Satoko and advanced chemistry lessons.
"Quick," Rika ordered. "Let's put them away before they wake up."
The Scarlet Gospels...
Inside the Saiguden, things were stirring as screams can be heard from inside. Julia was having the time of her life as she played whack-a-goon using a steel pipe with the gray jumpsuit-clad boys who gave her a ride to it. It was easy. She slipped mickies in their Grasshopper cocktails.
One man tried to scream, but it came out a groan as she repeatedly bashed him to death. He was last man, dropping to the floor as his blood pooled together with that of his colleagues'. Out of the shadows of the ancient and arcane junk stored inside came a skeletal Frank Cotton, making his way and bending over, placing his hands on the blood and bodies.
-Hellraiser(1987) Ost 2 - Resurrection plays-
The red fluid began cursing through his arms growing from red pulsing flesh to full healthy limbs. The rest of his body followed as he was surrounded by a slight mystical light, Julia watching in awe, while below the corpses of their victims where drying out likes husks. Her lover was going back to life.
"My nerves ... are beginning to work again," he exclaimed in amazement as sensation returned to his body.
"Oh Frank...", she said dreamily.
Frank was now relishing the return of his humanity, tingle by tingle. "Yes, I can feel it..." His arms slurped the blood like some monstrous leech, his body regaining the flesh lost from his fun with the Cenobites. And his torso, legs, and face were being embraced with the crawling new, living flesh. His face was finally returning. He got up slowly, howling in triumph of his reconstitution, his voice now completely human. And everything was front and center for her to see, rugged human perfection.
"Better. Much better." He turned his his love. "I'd like some clothes. And maybe a cigarette." Julia, still quivering from witnessing such miracle, obliged with Frank clothes which she collected, a gold-plated lighter and a pack of exquisite French cigarettes. He took them and put the clothes on.
-Resurrection stops-
He lit up the French fag and drew a drag from the expensive blend of tobacco. "I can taste that... It's a long time since I tasted anything."
"You promised me an explanation," Julia demanded.
-Hellraiser OST 3 - The Lament Configuration plays-
"Yes, I did." He took another drag and began his tale of woe. "Ever since I went off the grid, I have drifted across the globe to experience the pleasures it offered. Yet I began to tire the pleasures offered by this world." He paused. "Then revelation had came of me."
Julia hunched forward. "What happened?"
"The box." Thunder cracked outside.
The room felt chilly all of a sudden. "It opens doors."
"What doors?"
"Doors to the pleasures of heaven or hell." He paused as he recalled his horrendous experience. "I don't care which." He remembered having solved the box alone in that dark night of the Watanagashi festival.
He sighed and continued, "I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits... pain and pleasure, indivisible." More peals of thunder and lightning.
"The Cenobites?"
"That is what they called themselves. Explorers of the furthest regions of experience. Horrific to look, sagely and arcane."
Julia was appalled. "Why did you invite them?"
"I had to try. It cost me a fortune. There was no turning back. I came here to this village, inside this dank little hovel to solve it, open it to unleash a wave of sensual delight." Then they came.
"So they cheated you?"
Frank looked up at her. "Oh no. They kept to their bargain. They gave me experiences I'd never forget ..." His eyes dilated. He then thought back of his Pinhead and Pals in remarkable graphic quality. He recalled their tortures, which included their usual Saturday morning exercises on his body, needleworking with hooks, golden spray, pepper spray, whipped cream, and so much more.
"But their pleasure was my pain." He recalled his terrible screams, his moans, his choking groans. "Terrible pain. Appalling ..." He let out a long sigh. "My body was forfeit. But my spirit ... they left that here. In the boards. In the walls. Watching the world, but never able to touch it ..."
"And the blood let you out ?" she asked.
"It is. And now I have returned." He smiled for the first time, a very genuine after having spent a goodly amount of time in Hell's S&M club. He brought Julia towards him and stared into her eyes. "They won't get me back. I'm going to live, and you're going to help me. Yes ?"
Julia's eyes sparkled with hope and passion. "Yes?"
- Lament Configuration stops -
Then he released her, much to her chagrin. "Then we can be away from here, before they come looking."
"Who?" she asked worriedly
"The Cenobites. It's only a matter of time before they find I've slipped them. I have to get away from here."
"Of course," he said wearily. "It would have been so easy if only I had it."
"Had what?"
Frank was stunned. "Are you, daft, woman? The box. The gateway to hell. Were you listening?"
"How could I when I was staring at your ass?" Julia reputed defensively.
"Well, that can't be helped," he conceded with a leer, finding his woman has inspected his goods.
"Naughty little Frankie," she teased, touching his bear chest, "We can do some love now."
Frank made a forlorn smile. Then became sad. "I won't let them take me back, Julia."
"But how, Frank?"
"Here." He held up a thick, glossy magazine.
Julia gave an offended look. "Frank, are you offering me porn?"
Frank took a looked the magazine and realized he was handing her Farmer John's Animal Love Journal. "Uh." With a shame-reddened face, he quickly disposed of the offending literature. He then through the tomes in the boxes and produced a book in his hand, with very ancient leather binding, which may or may not come from the skin of a Gypsy skewered by Vlad the Kebab Remover for stealing his monies and fer one too many times. "The Scarlet Gospels."
He opened the book to reveal the parchment page of his choice: an old diagram of a puzzle box surrounded by scribbles in a mix of medieval Latin, Romanian Cyrillic, ancient Hebrew and Arabic script. "Here it is. Our target. The Lament Configuration."
"That's the box?" She tapped her figure on the diagram.
"It is indeed, Julia." He slowly put away the book. "We have a long night ahead of us. Of research."
"Frank, anything for you," she said seductively. "Especially research." And within the confines of the Saiguden, among its ancient contents, vigorous research was conducted by the lovers, which includes reaching into dark recesses and stripping - of contents.
All Roads Lead To Omsk...
Earlier in the afternoon, inside the hotel a couple were engaging in some vigorous private activity in the confines of their room. It was hot, steamy, and naughty.
"Oh Mordechai...," moaned a cloudy woman.
"Oh CJ~," moaned a Blue Jay.
SNAP! CLICK!
"What!?" they both cried.
"Merde," moaned Tomitake in his French accent. "I have accidentally turned-off my silent mod." And he tumbled out of the closet with his equipment, in front of a surprised and very angry couple of lovers.
"What the fuck, man!?" Mordechai bellowed.
"EEP!" CJ screamed, hugging the blanket close to her chest. "A pervert!"
"Sorry," he apologized shame-faced, gathering his stuff. " I must get going."
"No you're not!" the blue jay threatened, grabbing a random golf club. Tomitake, the muscular photographer, quickly dodge out of his blow. Jirou commando-rolled to dodge another and crashed through the door. "I'll get you, you bastard!" Mordechai, still hung like a donkey, screamed as he chased after the Playbird photographer. Hotel guests and staff, not realizing what the commotion's about dodged out of the way from the two.
Takano appeared looking for Jirou. "Hello, mes ami. You told to meet here-" Then she heard yelping and so a bird and man tumble down stairs. Then they have fight on the floor as the bird tried to snatch back the camera.
"Let go of moi!" the photographer cried.
"Like hell!" Mordechai spat back as he wrestled him to the ground.
"Get your hands of my test subject!" Takano snapped, "I mean boyfriend." She kicked him in the face.
"Oof!" cried Mordechai.
"Quick, you fool," Takano snapped as she scooped him out here.
"What the fuck?" exclaimed Mordechai as he got back up.
"Hey, what's up, Mordechai," Rigby asked as he strode in.
"Dude, some sick fuck videotaped me and my girlfriend having sex," was answer.
Rigby's eyes went wide with glee. "Wow, awesome!"
"Rigby, some guy was recording me and CJ getting it on!" the blue jay snapped angrily.
"It's not that bad," the raccoon said happily. "You'll be famous on the internet. Oh yeah~!"
The two argued loudly, prompting security to take them apart. Their girlfriends were gonna have a long night and Benson's gonna be pissed.
Early evening...
Tomitake had every reason to feel happy as he walked jauntily down road leading out of the village. His recent collection of seeing Moredechai and CJ having sex accepted by his editor from Playbird, which meant he will earn a big fat commission. As he whistled Happy by Pharell, who may or not be a vampire or immortal Ancient Egyptian prince who transcended reality, something happened.
-Higurashi OST - Urugawa plays-
He was surrounded by red mist that seemed to be sipping out of the underbrush. The atmosphere got colder, prompting him stop whistling.
"Ah... Bonjour?" he asked uneasily in his French accent. Then he noticed a glowing crimson light spilling from the horizon. He was stiff, not an inch of his body moved as the mysterious and mesmerizing light kept its hold on him. A gasped escape his mouth as the swirling glowing light coalesced into something more corporal.
With a hum the swirling mass of light and fog brightened up until it erupted in a bright red flash, making him shield his eyes. When the hum died, he opened his eyes to see a figure standing before him. It was a bird, or what passes for one anyway. He looked like the blue jay from the hotel, but it seems like his skin or feathers were worn around him like a robe like an unholy monk and has a knapsack on his back. The most notable features were his eyes, they glow red and they seem to state into his soul.
"Good evening...?" he asked again, with even more dread.
"Greetings, Tomitake," it said in a raspy voice seeming a choir of subtle murmurs of lost souls in despair or crying for release in full Dolby Surround with Russian accent. Tomato Cake almost lost his bladder control.
He dared make an inquiry, "Uh... are you the... relative of that blue jay at the hotel?"
The bird looked puzzled at the question. "What blue jay?"
"Oh, that is good," he said relieved, with a closed-eye smile. "I thought that you're helping him sue me for taking pictures of him having sex." When he opened his eyes again the birdman was still in front of him. He let out a nervous chuckle. "Uh... I think I must get going..."
"Are you sad?" it asked, not letting go his soul stare.
The question suddenly filled him with depression. "Yes...?"
The bird smiled. "Kill your sorrow." Then the bird spread his left wing to reveal a holder of syringes.
"A-are y-you s-s-sure t-that's a g-g-good i-idea?"
He said ominously with his hand/wing raised. Then his voice raised. "IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO I AM... THE MATTER IS WHO CAN YOU BECOME" Then his voice returned to normal. He picked one and offered it to him.
One look at 'ringe and his eyes went wide, seemingly absorbed in awe at it. The plastic cylinder seemed to glimmer seductively, wanting him to touch it. His breath has slowed to a crawl as he could hear his own heartbeat. Vague, tantalizing forms move over the surface, like ghosts.
"So... pretty," he said with glee.
On the surface oiled bodies moved. It's difficult to be sure what the forms signify. Is this torture, or some elaborate pleasure?
"Make your choice," it whispered.
The images in the plastic were becoming clearer, and they were APPALLING. A mouth opened in a soundless scream; then the image blacked out.
-Urugawa stops-
"Okay, I vill take all," he said happily, entirely ignorant of what he saw.
"Khorosho," chimed the bird. "Now we get to business. I have a flight back to Omsk tomorrow."
A/N: Now if you finished, you might notice some of stuff referenced but if not, I'll tell you: Itsuki saying he must spin for religion is derived from a minor Polandball character, Dervish Stateball, predecessor to modern-day Somalia and his dance is based on the traditional dance of the Dervishes and he sang Dead or Alive's You Spin Round, reinforcing the connotation. He also recites the over-the-top, poorly-grammared racist rant I told you about. You can read it in Know Your Meme's Serbia Strong/Remove Kebab page, or better yet, listen to it in Tupac Serbia: A Dramatic Reading on YouTube, Itsuki's version has him makes fun of Kuyouh for her inhumanly poor cooking as well as her being an Interface, citing Mass Effect, Ancient Aliens, Dead Space and Scientology(Xenu) for effect, while insulting Gendo, making references to End of Evangelion.
As for the Wil of the Onibaba, it's based on Last Will and Temperament comedy skit performed by the Canadian comedy troupe The Frantics on their CBC radio series "Frantic Times". I indirectly come across it while reading Gregg Landsman's masterpiece Nobody Dies. I made Phoenix Wright the lawyer reading the will after watching Phoenix Wright - Boot to the Head, which I based my skit on. Some minor Blackadder is added when the Higurashi gang mentioned about how Phoenix got a man off from a murder charge inspite of him killing his victim on full view of the witnesses. I got the idea of Shion kidnapping a Russian to translate what the Russian vets were saying from MGSV:TPP where you have side quest to kidnap an English-speaking Russian soldier while "little green men" refers to Russian soldiers fighting in the Crimea crisis, a colloquial expression referring to masked unmarked soldiers in green army uniforms in Ukraine, believed by many to be Russian soldiers sent to assist the rebels. Salmiakki is a real candy from Finland, literally meaning salt licorice, and Zubrowka vodka is lemongrass-flavored vodka from Poland.
Frank's segment is derived from the novel The Scarlet Gospels, which officially ends the Hellraiser saga in the Clive Barker novel-verse. Much of the conversation between Frank and Julia is loosely derived from the Hellraiser movie itself or from the two script written for it. And again the Vlad the Kebab Remover is taken from Polandball and history as well as the terms monies(money) and fer(iron/metal). And the last but not the least, Omsk Bird. He is a meme originating from Russia, based on a central character of "Winged Doom", a drawing by Heiko Muller. The character is often associated with the city of Omsk, and everything psychedelic, surreal and drug-induced. He is an honorary Polandball character, seen as the definition of fear and pure evil. He looks like a red jay, which was why I added Mordechai, a blue jay, to the skit. Kudos to Nyodude inspiring me with his Higurashi Parody Fandub, especially the bird pornography bit and for giving me an idea how to end the Onibaba segment.
Note: Cyka is Cyrillic for suka, which means bitch. Ypa for Ura, a traditional Russian battlecry.