A/N: This fucking chapter... Anyway, thank you guys so much for the reviews. I apologize for constantly making you cry and say bad words. Lol. I love reading what you guys think. Enjoy.
As I sat in my studio furiously scrawling words into a notebook, it occurred to me that I haven't gone to sleep. I look at the clock and groan. "Shit." I mutter out loud. It's 6 am, and I've been up all night. I throw the pen across the room and sigh heavily. I picked up my guitar and started to softly sing. "You left me I'm drowning. You left me don't know which way to go. You left me I cannot take this pain away from my chest." I got up off the floor and walked across the room to retrieve the pen. I walked back over to my notebook and wrote the words on the white pages. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to write anymore songs about you. I didn't want to miss you. I didn't want to need you. I didn't want to love you. I wanted you out of my head. I knew that if I couldn't find a way to get over you, I would end up going insane.
I felt like I was in the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I felt angry with you. You promised me that you would stay no matter what. As I sit here thinking about that promise, I realize that you have left me twice. Twice. I know that I pushed you out, but couldn't you have fought harder? I feel as if you've systematically collected and categorized each an every mistake I've ever made, and thrown them right back in my face. You always knew what you were getting yourself into when it came to me. My teenage years were rough, and left me with baggage that I have been dragging around for what feels like an eternity. You knew how emotionally fucked I am. Taylor was right though, I kept the darkest parts of me to myself. Despite all of that, you still tried. I know that. I know that I'm hurt and angry right now. I need to stop trying to blame you. I understand, I really do. It still hurts. It hurts that you have to leave me to protect yourself, to protect your heart. I know that giving it to me was easy, taking it back, not so much. I stare at the words I had written in the notebook, they don't even begin to describe or explain the way I feel. I feel a disconnect to them. I flip through the pages looking for something worth singing. Nothing. I can't feel any of it. I know you've had enough. Despite that, I can't help it. I want more. I can't stop.
I try to keep the tears from falling but I can't. I watch as they fall onto the pages, smudging the ink. This isn't a tragedy, it's reality. I look at the tattoos on my wrists. "Stay Strong" they say. I dont really feel strong right now. I'm not supposed to feel this way. You are not supposed to go. As I sit there, I can feel the darkness creeping into my thoughts. It's always there, but it's louder now. I close my eyes and feel it wash over me. It's so familiar. At first, it feels a little bit cold and suffocating, but as it settles over me, I feel comfort. Old scars itch. Whispered voices in my head encourage me. I look at the faded horizontal lines that grace the soft skin on my wrists. As I stare, my eyes focus on the tattoos again. I see the words and I see the lips. Those are yours. I close my eyes and push the voices out. I can't do this. Not again. I don't want it, and I won't live like that.
I pick up the pen and turn the page in the notebook. I place the pen against the paper and I start to write. I know that I need to keep my hands and my mind busy. I know that I am only as strong as the weakest parts of me. I can win and I will. I've done it before and I will do it again. Every mistake I have ever made cost me the one thing that I cherished above everything else. I won't let them destroy me. I won't let them take me. They can't have me. I close my eyes and I see you. To me you will always be that 16 year old girl, nnocent and full of life. I see you barefoot in my backyard, the moonlight reflecting off your skin as you dance. I see you on our wedding day. You look perfect. As you walk down the aisle, I can barely breathe. I see you seconds after giving birth to our daughter. You had never looked so beautiful. I kiss your forehead as I look at the miracle you are holding in your arms. I see you, and I realize that I will always have you with me. You are sewn into the very fabric of my life. No amount of time can ever take those moments from me. They are mine, just as you once were. You will always be the best part of my life, I'm sure of that. Losing you won't be the end. It can't be. I know you don't want that.
The tears continue to fall as I sit there. I'm letting you go. It's scary and it hurts, but I'm doing it because it's what you need. I drop the pen and bury my face in my hands. I can feel the sobs as they shake my body to its very core. I will always be thankful for our time together. My biggest regret will always be losing you. Slowly but surely, I feel my body start to settle. The tears stop and I feel exhausted. The knot is still in my chest, but I suppose that sort of thing takes time to heal. I know that I will be ok, eventually. I know that someday, I'll be able to hear your name and smile. Until then, I will have to carefully navigate the wreckage of my broken heart. I lay down on my side and stare in the direction of the piano. I prop my head an my arm and close my eyes. I was exhausted.
Startled I shot up. I could hear a light tapping on my door. I slowly pick myself up off the floor and make my way towards the knocking.
"Who is it?" I call out. My voice hoarse and raspy from sleep.
"It's me." I hear her small voice reply.
I froze. Why is she here? I reach up and slide the deadbolt. I turned the lock on the door and opened it slowly. She looked like shit. She wassn't wearing any makeup, her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she's wearing sweatpants and one of my old hoodies. "Can I come in?" She quietly asked. I step aside and allow her to enter the house. She followed me into the den and sat on one of the couches. She pulled her legs underneath her body and wrapped her arms around herself. She looked so small and lost. I sat next to her and as soon as I did, the tears she had been holding in spilled over. I hesitantly reached for her and brushed them away. She let me.
"I don't wanna fight with you." She whispered as the tears continued to fall.
"Sel, what's wrong?" I asked her as I made eye contact.
"Everything." She answered looking down at her hands.
"You wanna talk about it?" I asked her, my voice soft.
"I got in my car because I needed to get out of my house. I needed air. Somehow I ended up here." She stated wiping away the tears that fell. "I keep coming back to you. I don't know why." She added quietly.
"Maybe we still haven't moved on." I say.
"I try so hard to hate you Demi. I tell myself over and over that you're no good for me. It doesn't work. I keep wanting you to hold me. I keep wanting you to fix my heart." She chokes out. "I just don't know if I can do this. Love shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't hurt so much. I don't know what to do." She cried.
"Selena, I know that I have hurt you. I know that I have been nothing but heartbreak for you. I wish you could hate me too. I already hate myself enough..."
"I saw it in your eyes. I saw it the night you had your hand around my neck. It broke my heart." she interrupted. "There were so many things about you that I loved. Things that I still love to this day." She said her voice cracking. "You're the love of my life." She said her brown eyes looking into mine.
"Tell me it's not too late Sel. Tell me." I whispered as the tears fell from eyes.
"I don't know right now." She answered truthfully.
I watched her as she tried to wipe the tears away. It was pointless, they just kept falling. I pulled her into my chest and held her tightly. She started to cry into my chest. I could hear her strangled sobs as she tried to hold back. "I gave you everything." I heard her sob. "I don't know if there's anything left." She said as she wrapped her arms around me and cried harder. We stayed silent for quite some time before she removed herself from my arms and sat next to me, our shoulders touching as we stared in front of us.
"I'm not going to be able to live without you Demi." She said. "I just don't think I can live with you either." She stated sadly. "Why did this have to happen?" She asked no one.
"Selena. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I know that apologies cannot change anything. I know that the damage that I have done, is done and can't be taken back. I also realize that there is a very real possibility that some of that damage is permanent and cannot be fixed. Before you got here I was sitting on the floor in my studio and I realized that I had to let you go. It wasn't because I didn't love you, it was because I loved you too much to keep doing this. I don't want you to constantly feel guilty. I'm tired of seeing you cry. I'm tired of turning your life upside down. It physically causes me pain, to think about everything I've put you through." I said as I wiped my tears away.
"I love you the way you love me Demi. I don't know how to let you go. It's not all your fault." She replied taking my hand.
"I thought that If I kept the darkest parts of me from you, I could protect you from them. I was so wrong. I let them destroy us. I let them destroy you. You had no idea how to help me because I wouldn't tell you. I made you walk away. That was my fault. Both times." I choked out.
"Shhh." She whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing our foreheads together. "I would have followed you anywhere Demi. I just couldn't find you."
"I'm right here Sel." I said, placing the palm of my hand over her heart. I felt her press her face into my neck and take a deep breath. "You are the love of my life. You're my touchstone, my complete. You're the only thing that makes any sense in this fucked up world. You're my constant. Give me one more chance to be near you again Sel." I said to her as the tears continued to fall. She pulled away, holding my face in her hands. I felt her eyes as they found mine.
"Make me want to stay." She whispered, her bottom lip quivering.
I took a few moments and just stared into her eyes. There were so many things resting in their depths. Fear, love, sadness, hope.
"I can't promise you that I will perfect, cause I'm not and it's not possible. I can promise to love you until I am no longer walking this earth. I promise to give you all of me, even the parts that hurt. You are the only chance I'll take. You're the best part of me Sel. I swear to you, I will love you without fear. I surrender. I'm yours." I say to her.
She continues to stare into my eyes. I watch as more tears start to fall down her cheeks. She bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes. I watch as her hands fall into her lap, my cheeks suddenly missing their warmth. I open my mouth to speak but stop when I realize that I need to give her a moment. I need to let her find her way. I need to let her find me on her own terms. I sit and wait. I hope she wants to stay.